It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

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One thing that I have been doing to help me move forward has been working on craft projects for my family and friends. I have said many times in my life (even before I met Ricky) that I have all this love to give...I have discovered that if I put my love into making something for someone I love, that it gives them happiness and the knowledge that I love them, and it brings me joy knowing that they have something that shows them how much I love them. It also helps me to focus on the more important things in life, and keeps me grounded. 

In addition to that, Ricky and I have both been thinking about going back to school for a little while, and even though thinking about how it will work out financially has been a little stressful, we are looking forward to the opportunities that will open up to us as a result of our choices to go back to school.

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I am grateful for the chance to look forward to the future with joy and anticipation for the opportunities to learn more about digital design, and the chance to focus on something tangible that I have the chance to work on, make changes to, and have control over while we wait for the Lord's timing to bless us with the chance to grow our family as He sees fit. 

His timing is not our timing, and the lack of control over that has been really difficult to move through. However, I do know that I have grown since my miscarriage last July, as well as since my temple trip in April. I do not know why we've had to wait, nor do I know when our prayers to be parents will be answered, but I do know that we have learned and grown together as we have traversed this trial together.

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The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.