Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

One of my favorite quotes from President Gordon B. Hinckley is: “In all of living, have much joy and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” I was thinking…how can we enjoy life, and not just endure it? Especially in this day and age, where all around us, things seem to be constantly going wrong, or there just seems to be so much to do that you can't enjoy your life? I don’t entirely have an answer…but I do have a solution (which, yes, I believe that those are two different things).

Take things one day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time. Most of our life is just memories. There are but a few seconds/milliseconds of time where we are in the present. Most of our life is just memories. Enjoy your life where you are. Make plans that you look forward to. Make the most of your life. It's the only one you have. Sometimes you will have rough patches, but you just need to push on through. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and things will get better in time.

Honestly, this week has been pretty difficult for me. I had a dentist appointment on Monday, in which they sterilized my gums and prepped my tooth for a permanent crown. In the mean time, they gave me a temporary crown. By Wednesday, I was like, "This pain is far more than just my gums" so I went back in on Thursday, and they fixed my temporary crown, which had had a crack in it, which was the source of the pain because I think it kept catching on my cheek. After that, I was feeling better but my gums were still sore. Friday was a pretty good day, but by the end of the day, I was having a hard time eating anything because my mouth was just super sore, and my throat was starting to hurt. Yesterday I woke up in the most extreme pain–swallowing hurt and I couldn't eat anything. I was so hungry. I took some medicine around noon and ended up taking about an hour and a half nap, which honestly helped so much. I went to stake conference even though I still wasn't feeling super great, and by the end of stake conference I was basically dead. I don't remember hardly anything that was said and I don't remember any of the notes that I took. I was in so much pain and I could hardly even stand afterwards–I was so terrified that I would faint. 

After conference, I was able to receive a blessing. I am so thankful for that blessing!! It was the sweetest and most comforting blessing. Alex gave me 'homework'; she wanted me to stay on my bed or the couch for the rest of the night, and then she brought me some homemade ice cream. I was able to get to sleep easily (something that Kyle blessed me with in my blessing) and when I woke up this morning, all that hurt was my throat again. I'm back to just having a hard time swallowing and chewing. Which isn't the greatest, especially because I am just so hungry, but I am grateful that I can stand, and walk, and be awake. 

I am grateful that I can turn to the men in my ward for blessings any time, and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what I need to hear. I am grateful that my Savior understands my pain, and I am grateful that He can help me through it. 

Amidst this terrible week (in which I felt like I was just enduring it the whole time), however, there were moments of beauty and enjoyment. I was able to see Josh Groban and Idina Menzel in concert on Monday, and that was absolutely FANTASTIC!!! I loved it and was so happy the whole time!! I was able to go to institute on Tuesday and I learned so much and am excited for the rest of the semester. Halloween was exciting; I love seeing all the different costumes that people come up with. Thursday I was able to spend a little time with my mom and I'm grateful for that. I had a little dinner party with some friends Friday night that was fun; I had a great time. Each little moment of beauty this week was a blessing and snapshot of the love that my Father in Heaven has for me. 

I hope you all have a blessed Sabbath Day and a wonderful week! God is here for you, and I am here for you, too. There's always a moment of beauty to be enjoyed despite any troubling times you have in your life. You just have to find it. 

Xoxo

Mattie