Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Prayers to the Father

Jesus Christ shows us throughout His entire ministry, but especially throughout His last week in mortality, of the importance of communication with our Heavenly Father. I love His relationship with Heavenly Father. That is the kind of relationship I am trying to develop with my Heavenly Father. He is always ready and willing to listen, and I love that!

From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' website about Easter week today:

The last week of Jesus Christ’s mortal ministry is filled with prayer. There are the prayers He offers on behalf of His disciples, filled with timeless words of comfort and guidance. But there are also the prayers that He encourages them to offer on their own. He knows that soon His disciples will be without Him, and so He lets them know the importance of praying, encouraging them to ask their Father in Heaven for the things they’ll need to make it through the challenges ahead. Through His words and His example, they learn that when they make the effort to pray to the Father, no matter what happens, they will never be alone.

#BecauseOfHim, I’m never alone

Jesus told His disciples He would be with them always. He’s here for you too. As you draw near to the Father in prayer, you will draw near unto Christ as well.

Prayer is a powerful way to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. [It's like anything else–the more you practice, the better you get.] (My thoughts)

I am so grateful for the power of prayer, and for the love and peace that I feel as I communicate with my Father in Heaven through my Savior–His Son, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the example of Jesus on how to communicate with Heavenly Father.

I am also grateful that Heavenly Father is flexible and comes to us as we are. He knows our circumstances, which is super important because sometimes I communicate with Him in ways other than through prayer. There are times where praying the way I do at night or in the morning is just not practical. Sometimes, I am driving and can only shout out loud, "Heavenly Father, please keep me safe from the flying grill rack!" (Yes, this is a true story that did happen this week. On Monday, of all days. What a way to start the week!) But He knows me, and my surroundings, and understands that some situations call for different forms of communication with Him. And I love that He is so understanding. We are truly never alone because He is always with us.

As it is Easter time, it is supposed to be springtime, too, but that has seen a slight ice patch in the road 🤣. Spring is coming–slowly, but it is coming. I am really looking forward to the warmer weather that will most surely bring about more family walks around the neighborhoods and parks! I love walking with Ricky, but I also love seeing families out for strolls. It makes my heart happy to see. We live in such a beautiful world handcrafted by our Heavenly Father for us, I love to be out enjoying and exploring and seeing others get to experience it too!

I hope that this week has been going well for all of you. I hope and pray that all is well with you and your loved ones. 

Xoxo

Mattie

I can #LightTheWorld by believing.

This week for Light The World, it's Light Your Faith. As we reach out to give as Jesus gave, we ultimately fan the flame of our own faith. This week, reflect on ways following Jesus Christ has brightened your life and discover a few more ways to light your faith. How can you #LightTheWorld by lighting your faith?

There are lots of different ways that we can light our faith! Here are a few ideas!

1. Attending church services! It's a great way to learn and build your faith. Every time I go to church, I always hear something that I needed to hear. It re-establishes my faith, and makes my testimony grow. It's good to hear other people's comments and testimonies, and that, again, re-establishes my faith, and gives me comfort. 

2. Reading the scriptures, magazines, and other Church-endorsed publications about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. I always learn something new every time I read the scriptures, or when I reread or listen to a conference talk. 

3. Pray! For what? Pray for opportunities to serve, opportunities to understand, opportunities to have faith, opportunities to grow...As we serve, understand, learn to have faith, and grow, our faith increases. I don't know how to explain it, exactly, but I will try:

As I am serving someone, and I realize that my service was something that they needed from me at that time, my faith grows. I realize that my Father in Heaven is using me to bless the lives of those around me because He believes in me, and He trusts me.

As I am beginning to understand more about my Savior's atoning sacrifice, my faith grows. I realize that my Savior died to save me, and He died to give me another chance to live with my Heavenly Father again.

As I am trying specifically to have and express my faith, my faith grows. I realize that sometimes, in order to light my faith, I have to use my faith.

As I am growing as a person, and learning more about how I can become a better person, my faith grows. I realize that God is leading me to be the best version of me I can be, and He is trusting me to bless the lives of His children with my love, service, and time.

4. Go to the temple! God blesses me when I go to the temple. I love to sit in the temple and ponder on different things in my life that I need guidance in. I often receive revelation that I wasn't expecting and I am able to use it to learn and grow. I am SO excited to be able to go through the temple in a couple of weeks! I know that God will bless me as I take this next step in following Him.

There are so many different ways to light your faith! I am grateful for the chances that I have to be able to test and strengthen my faith. I know that I am as stronger woman, and a stronger example to those around me, because of it.

I am grateful for the angels in my life. The thinness of the veil around the holidays is such a wonderful blessing. I know that I have people on both sides of the veil who are rooting for me, and who are blessing my life. This 5-minute fireside by Mercy River on the power of angels is beautiful! (I hope the link works!) Please enjoy!

Merry Christmas!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family! Remember the reason for the season.

I am so thankful for my Savior, and for His love and sacrifice. I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, who was willing to give His Son so that we could all return to live with Him someday. 

Xoxo

Mattie

He is there to help us at our most vulnerable points.

I find that even the craziest weeks go smoothly when I take the time to study my scriptures. I'm not perfect at always remembering to do so, but when I do remember, my days seem to go better. I'm less stressed, more alert, and more in tune with the Spirit. On days when I don't, I'm more stressed, more forgetful, and more anxious, which tends (at times) to drive the Spirit away. Not a lot, but enough that it throws my whole day off. I know I'm blessed when I take the time to study my scriptures. I'm blessed with more time–or, at least, time well-spent and managed–and with a more alert mind. I'm also blessed with the Spirit. So grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with the capacity to see and understand when I am blessed because I obey Him.

Sacrament meeting was wonderful today! We had two beautiful musical numbers and two awesome talks.

Misfortune happens to us all the time. It doesn't depend on your personal worthiness or unworthiness; life just happens to everyone.

Reasons why we obey the commandments:
1. Simple Obedience
2. Habit
3. Fear of Punishment
-Affliction is not necessarily evidence that one has sinned (Job)
-Neither prosperity nor suffering can easily be interpreted
4. Desire for Blessings
-Promises to groups don't mean consistent prosperity for all the people in the group all the time
5. Out of love for the Lord
-Our nature and purpose on this earth is to have joy
-The joy we feel has little to do with our circumstances and everything to do with the focus of our lives.

In Gospel Principles, we talked about prayer. It was a very enlightening lesson and I learned a lot.
-God cares about us, so what we care about is also important to Him.
-You can't get an answer by praying, "Should I...?" because you're asking Him to take away your agency. You need to first make a decision, and ask, "How can I go about this decision?" And God will guide you.
-Heavenly Father accepts what we bring to the table. He wants to help us.
-If you do your best, God will do the rest.
-Look for what God wants, not what you want.
-He is there to help us at our most vulnerable points.
-It's okay to be honest and tell God how you feel, as long as you are humble enough to listen to what He has to say in response.

In our 5th Sunday lesson, Sister Harline said something that I loved. She said, "Be prayerful in your dating and ask for guidance." I forget that that is a thing that I can ask for help with. God cares about all the things that I do, and dating is included in that. :)

So thankful for the lessons today! I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father's guidance and the lessons that He teaches me that I need to know. He is there for us always, and He listens to us in our most vulnerable states–our most emotional times. He will always listen, but we have to make sure that we listen to Him in return.

Xoxo
Mattie

Turn to Him.

Why?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we procrastinate important things in our lives?
Why do we struggle with change?
Why do we struggle with decisions?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Or say?
Or do?
Why do we stress and worry about things we literally can't control?
Why do we worry about the future instead of focusing on the here and now?

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these feelings. I'm sure you probably have, to some degree. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. And I realized some of the answers a little bit. Because we're concerned with the world. Or we're concerned with the future (which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but sometimes we take it too far). Or we think we're not good enough, we're not as good as so and so. Or sometimes we just care about other people, and their opinions are important to us, and so we care about their opinions of us. As a society, we care a lot about appearances. We care a lot about making the right decisions for our future now. Or we have a lot of things due (or to do) on the same day and we can't figure out which ones to focus on and we struggle with focusing on them and getting them done. And that can be stressful. Life is stressful. Friendships, relationships, dating, school–it's all stressful. But I was thinking about something in sacrament meeting today that kind of helped me relax and calm down a little.

It's been a crazy busy week, but somehow I made it through. Grateful for my Savior, who has blessed me, I know. Grateful for the chances I've had to study my scriptures almost every day this week. Grateful for all of the homework I've been able to finish. I was really stressed this week and wanted to just not do anything because I had so much to do but I needed to do my homework. I also didn't think I had time to study my scriptures because I've had papers to write, and assignments to read. But I paused, and took the time to study, and ponder, and pray, and I am so glad I did. That is the reason I was able to get through this week. Because I took the time to speak to, and listen for my Heavenly Father. And because I did that, He blessed me. I've struggled trying to focus this week because I've had so many papers to work on, but the last couple of days I've been able to focus more, and get a little bit more done. It's hard to focus on one paper when you have multiple papers all due on the same day, but, a President Monson has said, and that I have found to be true this week, "Life is hard by the yard. By the inch, it's a cinch!" I know that as we slow down, and take things one project or paper at a time, we will be able to focus, and progress, and get things done in a timely manner. I also know that as we take time to study our scriptures, we will find time to do all the things we have to do.

Taking time for the spiritual things might seem like a waste of time sometimes, but once you do, you will realize that you will have the ability, focus, and time to do all of the things you want to and need to do. You will be blessed with strength and will be able to concentrate on your tasks at hand.

Sister Maughan said some awesome things in her talk in sacrament meeting today! I just wanted to share a couple of things that we can do to come to Christ:
-We need to be all in.
-We need to stand up on the inside.
-Pray daily. Develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven and His Son.
-Learn to love the scriptures and study them.
-Heavenly Father is watching over us. Sometimes we need to experience things for ourselves. We are more capable than we know.

Bishop had some amazing things to say, too! He talked about prayers and answers, and also about trials and how to deal with them. He said that we increase our faith by fasting for a purpose and having meaningful prayers. He also said that faith is an important ingredient in prayer. Sometimes we just need to move forward in life though. Every individual is responsible for their own happiness, he said. Cultivate a spirit of happiness, and don't belittle or blame yourself. Believe in yourself, and your capacity to do things. Sometimes we just don't receive answers to prayers, but we need to keep moving forward.

Megan said something great in her lesson today. She said something to the effect of, "God is always there for us. Just because we can't see him sometimes doesn't mean He's not there. It's up to us to find Him in our lives. Every time we take the time to look for Him, we'll find Him."

I've been trying to take some time for me lately. I have kind of been feeling...not lost, exactly...but like I'm wandering, floating in the vast space of 'being' (which, I mean, I guess is true, since we're all floating in space, but that's not the way that I meant it). I feel like I'm struggling to fit in. And I mean, I have friends, and it's great fun, but I just feel a little bit out of place, and like I'm just not socializing enough. Anyway, I've decided that I need to find myself (Again. I keep forgetting, and losing myself, apparently. Or I just need to be a different me every school year. Either that, or I just have not really found myself). And I need to focus. I have been struggling with focusing lately. I don't know why that is, but I do know that it has been better when I've been studying my scriptures, and praying, and getting sleep. When all of my papers were just kind of dropped on me like a bomb, it was bad. I was worrying, and worrying, and I was jumping from paper to paper because I couldn't focus on any of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, or how I wanted to talk about it (for being someone who loves writing and talking, sometimes I sure don't know what to say). But about midway through the week, something happened, and I just felt a whole lot better. I don't know what it was, but after Wednesday/Thursday morning, I've been able to focus just a little better. I'm grateful for the peace that I've had this weekend. It's been a little stressful, too, but mostly I've been feeling a lot better about my papers, and my schoolwork. Life is so hard, and can be so difficult and stressful, but I know that when we turn to God, and read His words, and listen to His Spirit, we're blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

Just what I needed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days, and today during the sacrament this was something that I really thought I should share:

Sometimes letting go is hard. But I know that sometimes it is better than holding on. It's like that analogy of holding on or clinging to the rope. It is more painful than letting go. And I know the struggle–I know it is SO HARD to let go. But sometimes holding on is just too painful, and you have to let go, otherwise you're going to be miserable and unhappy forever. And eventually, you will find something better to replace what you've lost. I ask God every day to help me let go of things that are hurting me, and to guide me to something better. I have faith that He will, and that He is. 

I saw this picture on Facebook last night that I loved:

And I shared it with this thought (that, to be honest, was sort of the inspiration for my thoughts today during the sacrament): "Sometimes it's hard to have charity. Being patient is hard. Being kind can be hard. What's also hard is realizing that you can have charity towards those who have done you wrong, but that doesn't mean that you condone their actions or that you let them keep hurting you. Sometimes forgiving them and letting them go is the hardest part, but it will be better for you in the long run." 

The choir sang in sacrament today! It went pretty well, considering we were sorely lacking in women's voices. Hopefully as people move in, we will get a few more ladies.

The topic for sacrament meeting today was the power of prayer. There were a couple of things that were said that either I loved, or brought a cool new insight to prayer that I thought I'd share:
-Real intent means that you have to be willing to work for what you asked God for. 
-Power in our life comes from the relationship we have with God.
-We can overcome (anything) with the power of prayer.
-You can't have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father without prayer.

Sunday School was awesome today and just what I needed! Which will be odd once you know what the topic of the lesson was on: marriage. I know, I know–what a weird lesson for a single Mattie to have needed. But Clarissa used a lot of quotes from President Hinckley, and focused on the fact that we are just as needed, and important to our Heavenly Father. Being single is just a word. We're still people. We're not less because we're single. Everyone–everyone–is different. But! We're all striving to become someone. And we are all needed. There are so many people who need us. Don't think for a moment that you aren't needed, because that is not true at all. Your point of view is needed in this world.

Relief Society was also fabulous and just what I needed! We talked about learning and education! Which I have honestly been struggling with a little bit, but just hearing that we as women are told specifically that we, too, should get an education, was great. Someone also said today that, "We have more capacity [to learn] than we realize." I loved that. Sometimes we all falter and struggle because we think that we can only learn so much, or go so far, but that's not true! We can do SO MUCH more than we could possibly imagine!

I'm grateful for the lessons today. They were just what I needed to hear! I'm grateful to my Father in Heaven who hears my prayers and answers them. I'm grateful for friends who listen to the Spirit and prepare what God needs them to.

Xoxo
Mattie

Sweet is the peace.

First things first, I'm now officially the ward choir director! I'm nervous but excited! It should be really fun. :) I love music and am excited to challenge myself in directing our choir to sing and really feel the message of the songs we will be performing, and share their testimonies and the Spirit with our ward. I've never legitimately led anyone in anything, so this will be a fun experience.

It's been a tough week for me, starting with the fact that I picked up two shifts last week and this week, and so I worked a lot more than normal (and I will work more the week after, as well) so I'm really tired; and I've got some personal things going on in my life that threw me off emotionally and made me question several things. But! My friends and family are the greatest and have been super supportive, patient, and loving, which has been such a blessing. I thank God every day for them, and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. ❤️❤️

Life is weird. One minute, life's going great–you're coasting in coolness–and the next thing you know, SPLAT!! You've hit a wall, and are no longer coasting in coolness. In fact, you're no longer coasting at all–you're just existing, meandering aimlessly, trying to find yourself again, or trying to find a meaning to all that is going on in your life. And you're just sort of stuck.

I've been there–several times–and I know how hard it is, and how it feels, and it's not always the greatest feeling. Sometimes, I've just felt kind of "Blah" about it, but sometimes it's made me feel really sad, or stressed, and I haven't really known how to fix it, or what to do about it. Sometimes I've just avoided doing anything about it for awhile, and just tried to move on with my life. Sometimes that doesn't work. I try to listen to music, specifically to help calm me, and bring the Spirit, and that always helps. What helps the most, though, is prayer–turning to my Heavenly Father. Sometimes the answer or help doesn't come right away, but what does come always is peace. Peace that things will work out, peace that I will be fine, and peace that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and peace that I am where I am supposed to be. And oh how sweet is the peace!

I'm grateful for the peace that the Lord gives me in times of hardship, heartache, and sorrow, but also for the peace that He gives me when I'm doing the right things, and when I'm blessing other people's lives. There is no greater joy to me than sharing the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior with those around me, in whatever way, whether that be service, music, or just spending time with them and listening. I hope and pray every day that I am able to help someone feel the love of their Savior when they need it.

School is starting for many soon, and I just want to wish you all luck!! I know that everything will be all right, and that you will be blessed as you turn to your Father in Heaven for help and guidance.

Xoxo
Mattie

Be anxiously engaged in good causes, including your own development.

Well, it's back to school season! Tomorrow all of my siblings in gradeschool (except our little kindergartener) start school. Halie starts at MATC on Tuesday. And I start school next Monday. And this year is going to be way different for a myriad of reasons but one most specifically is that I will be rooming with five other girls and I will have a kitchen. I'm so excited but also nervous and I hope that this year will be a good one. I think that it will be good for me (it being different for a myriad of reasons) but we all know I'm an emotional person who sometimes can't deal–I just really hope that I'll be able to deal this year. Progress is progress, and I've been making a little progress this summer and I hope that it will continue over the course of the school year.

My thoughts during the sacrament this week:
This past week has kind of been stressful for me because I've mentally been so ready to move out for awhile. But it has worked out this week and I've got 99.99% of my things moved out. The last things to be moved out are me, my violin, and one or two other things, which will be happening tonight. I'm just grateful that this past week was full of fun times with a cutie pie that I was watching this week. :) I'm also grateful that this upcoming week will mostly be me finishing putting my stuff away, figuring out how long it will take me to get to campus, getting my books, and scoping out my classes. I know that most of my worries were just in my head but I'm grateful that my Savior was there to help calm me because sometimes it was extremely frustrating and difficult (as things usually are with me), but as I look back on my week, my worrying and frustrating moments were probably not even a total of an hour throughout the whole week. What a blessing that was. I can pinpoint specific moments of worry but they didn't last very long and soon after I was soothed by my Savior. I've had to rely on Him a lot these past couple of weeks and He has always been there. He's listened and He's helped me do things I wanted to but couldn't, or that I didn't want to but needed to. 

We had some high councilmen speak in sacrament meeting today.
Brother Jones talked about faith:
-Faith is a principle of action and of power. 
-Do we show faith in our Heavenly Father, even if we feel He has let us down?
-We sometimes need to experience a trial of faith before the blessings will come. And they will come.
-Choosing faith in our Heavenly Father's plan and in our priesthood leaders will bless us.
-All things are possible.
-We can do hard things if we exercise our faith by choice.  
I loved his message. Sometimes we have to choose faith. Heavenly Father will bless us because of our faith. 
Brother Scoresby talked about the difference between joy and happiness:
-There is a difference between joy and happiness. 
-Joy is when you help people. Happiness is apple pie. 
-We care about those that are lost and we need to find them and help them. 
-When we minister to others we need to:
-Be obedient. Because Heavenly Father will be able to trust you and will send His Spirit to help you. 
He talked about ministering, and how he had a formula, which is:
-Remember their names. 
-Love people without judging them. 
-Watch over them and strengthen them spiritually (one by one; personally). 
-Become friends with them and visit them often.
I loved how he described the difference between happiness and joy. 

In Relief Society we talked about marriage, an eternal partnership. 
Obviously I'm not married, nor am I dating anyone (seriously or at all), but I still listened and paid attention because someday it's going to apply to me, and in the meantime, it can help me know what to look for in a relationship. Here's a couple of my favorite things that were said:
-The Lord expects us to pray for guidance but also to act and go forward with faith. 
-God won't let us do something that isn't good for us. He'll let us know when we're not doing what's right for us. 
-We have to acknowledge how the Spirit speaks to us. We have to be so close to Him and realize how He speaks to us. 
-Sometimes we need to be still within ourselves and listen. 
-"Be anxiously engaged in good causes, including your own development."
-Our conscious effort, not instinct, determines the success. 
-Take it to Heavenly Father and listen to the Holy Ghost. 
-As we follow the Spirit, we will be led in our marriage and in our families. 

I know that this year is going to be different. I know that I'm ready, though, and I know that my Savior will be there for me. I know that sometimes I will have to exercise faith, and I hope that I will be able to make the right decisions. I know that I'm going to want to help others and make them happy, and that will give me joy, but I also know that this might mean that I will forget about myself. I hope to be able to remember to help myself, too. I hope that I will go on more dates this year, but if not, I at least hope to be able to make more guy friends and get more comfortable around guys. I know that I can turn to my Heavenly Father for help in all areas of my life, and I hope to be able to set a schedule this year and make more time for my personal scripture study.

I wish us all luck as this new school year begins. I love you all and hope that you will turn to your Heavenly Father. I also hope that you will know that I am always there for you whenever you need to talk–I will listen.

Have a wonderful year!

Xoxo
Mattie

Start from where you are.

First off, Porter was just singing bits and pieces of the Primary song "Holding Hands Around the World" awhile ago and it was so adorable!! Then, Lander asked me how work was, and then he was like, "Good?" and I was like, "Yeah, good" and he said, "Called it!" He sounded so proud of himself. He's so funny! :)

So, as you may have guessed, I had to work a bit today, which definitely wasn't ideal, but hopefully it won't be a regular thing. It's looking like my job may be prepping, making, and cutting the dough, in addition to just doing random jobs that need done, like sweeping and wiping counters/tables, amongst other things. I'm not entirely sure if that is the case, though–I still have two more training days–but we will see how the rest of the week goes.

Also! When I was driving home from work, it was POURING!!!! I was like, "I'm going to die!!" (I don't drive all that often, and the one time I drove somewhere in the rain it was only drizzling.) At one point, I felt like the brakes were going to give and I was going to go gliding, but I didn't. Anyway, I lived, obviously, and the car did, too. It was a blessing that I didn't come upon too many people on the road–maybe five or six total on the way home. :)

Anyway, I was able to make it for most of church today–I missed the first 35 minutes of sacrament meeting, but that's okay. I was able to make it in time to hear some things that I needed to hear, so it's all good. :)

In sacrament meeting, I got a couple of things from what Sister Andrews said:

• We need to keep the will of the Lord in our mind/ahead of our own. 
• This was basically what she said. I thought it was super inspired because sometimes I forget to do that. 
• Our focus should be on the essence of the Gospel.
• When she said this, I was like, "Ding!" Sometimes we get so caught up in some things that we forget the essence of the Gospel. 
• Going off of this, she started talking about charity and love, which are key aspects of the (essence of the) Gospel.
• Turn to God and He will show you what you need to work on.
• This was what I summarized from what she said. She read Ether 12:6, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble..." 

In Sunday School we brushed across the topic of prayer via Mosiah 26:14 and Brother Asay said, "When you have need, pray." I made some notes: don't give up on them (prayers), and pour out your whole soul. Speaking from experience, pouring out your whole soul to God is very helpful, even if it's only to make you feel better after getting a load or two off of your shoulders and giving them to God. (Though that's not the only thing that happens because of prayer :) )

In Relief Society we talked about family councils, which was super helpful for me because it gave me a lot of ideas for how to do them when I have my own family. :) Sister Nielson also brought up how it can be helpful in college! (I was like, that's me! I'm in college!) It can be helpful for roommates to have a family council because while we're living together, we basically are family (at least, hopefully we're basically family). One other thing that we talked about that I thought was very important was this: Involve Heavenly Father in all your family councils, and try to put technology away and focus on your family. Sister Nielson said, "We can start from where we are. The blessings will come."

Though she was talking about family councils, it applies to all parts of the gospel. Having trouble with prayer? Start from where you are. Start with praying once a day, if that's where you are. Scripture study? Start from where you are. Start with one verse, or five verses a day. That's what I love about the gospel: there are many parts of the gospel that work with other parts. So if you're stronger in one area, there is probably an area that it works with that you are struggling with, and it can help you become stronger in that area. Just start from where you are, and know that Heavenly Father will always help you. :)

It's always your choice.

This year we are focusing on The Book of Mormon. I'm so excited! I love that book!! I know that it is true. If you want to know if it is true, then you should read it and pray about it. Pray about it a lot. It might take a couple of days or even weeks (because God's timing is different than ours) but the Spirit will testify to you that it is true. Only you can learn for yourself if the things of God are true.

In Gospel Doctrine, we talked about how "faith precedes the miracle". Seeing is not believing, someone said, because Laman and Lemuel saw an angel at the same time as Nephi and Sam, and yet, in the end, Laman and Lemuel lost their faith. Nephi desired to see the vision that Lehi had seen, and because his heart and desire was righteous, he was able to see the vision that his father had seen, and he was able to come to understand it.

In Relief Society, Jillian gave the lesson on prayer, which was so great and definitely inspired because I needed the lesson today (I'm trying to get back into the groove of scripture study and prayer and I'm not going to lie–it's a little hard. All of my homework this semester is reading, and not just one chapter or half a chapter. For two of my classes, we have to read giant chunks of reading, one of them due every class period, and the other due ever other Friday, I think. Anyway, it's been difficult to find time for everything. Even if I read all of my assignments for my classes for two hours, that's EIGHT HOURS! That's insane!! I just need to divide my time better. I'm still working on that. Anyway, so finding time for scripture study is a little hard. I'm going to try something different this week and we'll see if it works). Megan commented something that I've heard before but this time it really stuck with me. "If it's important to you, then it's important to Him." Heavenly Father knows all, but He still wants us to pray to Him! Tell Him about your day–tell Him about your worries, and your struggles–because He wants to hear from you. He wants to bless you–ask Him for help, and for blessings. He wants to have that relationship with you, but He can't do that if you don't do your part.

In sacrament meeting today, Paige said that you have to put "time and effort" into the scriptures/Book of Mormon". Honestly, they are just sitting there, waiting for you to open them. This same principle applies to your relationship with God. He is waiting for you to come to Him. He invites us to "come unto Him". You have to do your part. Also in sacrament meeting, Jared quoted Elder Neil L. Andersen: "Your faith will grow not by chance but by choice." This applies to your relationship with God, as well. You have to consciously make the decision to get closer to Him.

Every part of the Gospel and the Church is your choice. No one can gain a testimony for you. No one can develop your relationship with God for you. Only you can gain (or lose) your testimony, and only you can develop (or repress) your relationship with your Heavenly Father and your Savior. It is always your choice, whatever way you decide to go.

When we went to the temple on Friday night, after we had done baptisms, we sat in the chapel and read the scriptures for a few minutes before we decided to head back. I was trying to find something–anything–that would help me with a question that I had. I randomly came upon Mosiah 16. This chapter in general stood out to me, but several verses in particular hit home, a few of which I will share:

7 And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or have broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection.
8 But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
9 He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.

I don't know why these ones stood out to me, but they did. Because of Christ, we can live forever. I guess I just needed the reminder that yes, people die, but because of Christ, we will be resurrected and we can live forever. So I need to try my hardest to be the best I can be. Yes, it will be hard, and yes, it has been hard, but I am not alone because Christ is always with me, and it will all be worth it in the end.

Just remember that it is your choice, not anyone else's. No one can force you to gain that testimony or relationship with God. If it comes to you, then it is because you realized for yourself that it is true.

A New Year means a new Me.

Hi! I had a busy day today. I was watching my friend's little boy (he's SO adorable! ❤️) for several hours. He's sooo cute and I just LOVE watching him play and have fun!! :) [Side note that I could probably leave out and is on my "Mattie Don't Do That" list but I'm Me so I won't leave it out and I will do it: If I could somehow split myself into multiple Mattie's, thus enabling me to watch him whenever she needs (as well as allowing me do what I need to do) I totally would]
I can't wait till the day when I get to watch my own little babies play and have fun, but for now, I will have to live with watching other people's–which is fine by me. More exposure to lots of kids who are just so cute! :)

It's almost a new year! New year, new me, new experiences, and new goals. It's all so exciting!! Buuuuuuut also terrifying. I'm not going to lie–I'm kind of terrified. I have a different work schedule this upcoming semester–the lunch shift Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. SO my afternoons/evenings are cleared up because my last classes on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays end at 3! So I'm super grateful for that. But this job pays less than my custodial job that I had the first half of the semester. And I have slightly fewer hours, as well. So it's a giant cut in my pay and I'm a little worried about that. Also, I'm not sure if I'll be doing spring semester or not–I still have to talk to my parents about that.

ANYWAY, this new year brings on New Year's Resolutions! The fun to-do/work on list that practically everyone quits following after a month or two. ;) I'm going to try really, really, really hard this year, though. My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1. To have consistent and meaningful scripture study and prayer. I am really bad at this–I will either get one or the other. This year I want to try and get both. It will be easier this year, I think, for this semester I am not working early in the morning or till 10 at night. But we will see. 
2. To be patient–with myself and others. I usually am more patient with others than I am with myself, but sometimes I get a little frustrated with others (though I try not to let it show because it's not their fault, and they're not doing anything wrong, it's just me being me). So I'm going to try and be better about that this year. Especially with myself, too. I am still, uh, healing, I guess, from something that impacted me greatly a couple of years ago and I just need to be patient with myself and work on it one day at a time.
3. To have kind words, thoughts, and actions. This one has become a bigger part of my life in more recent years as I've grown up. I am trying so hard to be a good person but it's getting a little bit harder as I am becoming more exposed to the world. 
4. To keep up/be ahead with my homework. This will be a little difficult, but hopefully less difficult, since my work schedule is on my days off, and my evenings are going to be cleared up. 
5. To manage my time well. I am bad at this. I either guess how much time something will take me to do wrong, or I put it off more than I should have, or both, or something else equally as bad. Anyway, I am going to try to be better about this.
6. To not be afraid to do something fun and/or spontaneous. This one I have trouble with sometimes. I worry about how much time it will take, or if I should have done that (that being any number of things from "Should I have sent that text?" to "Oh my gosh, I should not have waited so long to do this *fun thing* or *this thing I have to do sometime*"). Anyway, I worry about the time, or if I should have done that, or whatever, when I should just relish and bask in the fun-ness and the spontaneity of whatever I am/will be doing. 
7. To be more friendly. Sometimes I'm super friendly, but sometimes I get really shy or intimidated because that's just who I am. I have been getting a lot better (especially since I started college) but I have also been thinking and worrying a lot more (also especially since I started college) which needs to stop! So, cue number 8.
8. To not think or worry so much. This one is going to be the most difficult, I think, because it is just in my nature. I can't help it. I overthink everything and I stress about a lot of things that I don't/can't always control. Sometimes it's good, but a lot of the time it just makes me more stressed and worried. So I am going to try to keep it down. I'm never going to stop thinking or worrying, but I can definitely try to do it less often/intensely.
9. To a) be more Christlike; and b) turn to my Savior more often. As in daily. I need to remember that He is there for me whenever I need Him and that He will help me through anything and everything that I need to do. He will always be there for me, and I do not have to do anything alone.

As you can see, I have quite a list, which is a little intimidating, but also exciting! Usually I only have one or two things. This year, I have NINE! (Ten if you count 9 as two things, but eh) That's a little scary but I know that I can do it! As I focus on turning to my Savior, and being more like Him, I know that everything else will fall into place. I'm super excited for this new year–it's going to be way different, but also kind of the same. Here's to a new year, new goals, new experiences, new classes, new friends, new relationships, and a new me. :)

P.S. This is entirely irrelevant but I still haven't been on a(n official) date yet since I started college, and you know what? I've decided that I am completely okay with that and I'm not going to worry about it. It'll happen when it'll happen. And besides, I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am–which is kind of being troublesome. Throw dating into that mix and I will be a completely chaotic and insanely mad mess. ;) 

Tender mercies. God loves you. You are not alone.

For seminary, we have to have our bishop send something to the seminary so that they know that we are on track for seminary graduation. Well, I went in, and it came up that I was having some troubles.
And my bishop told me that God loves me. Doesn't matter what I do, my worth to Him will never change.
I am His daughter–I am a daughter of a King––the Almighty God––and He loves me––imperfect, and mistaken, and broken.
He wants me to turn to Him. He wants me to tell Him what is going on in my life. He wants me to turn to Him. He wants me to talk to Him, to pray to Him. That meeting was a tender mercy. I never knew until that moment that I had needed to hear that God loves me no matter what, and that I am His daughter, and that I am not alone. Such a tender mercy! I have always known those things, but I guess recently it hadn't really stuck with me, so hearing it from my bishop was a tender mercy. Because my bishop wants me to–and I really want to and I need to–I am going to try and be better about my prayers and scripture study. It's going to be a little difficult at first, but I know I can do it with Heavenly Father's help.

I give my love to all!

<3 Mattie

What does God want me to learn from this?

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend and I was saying how I wished I had a job and also how I was super worried about college because I haven't heard back from any of my colleges (and one college I applied to a couple of my friends also applied to and they have already heard back) and how no one wants me to be productive. I didn't tell my friend, but I was crying because the idea of the future–which is unknown–is frightening to me, and I'm so scared I'll never get a job or get into college (also because I'm just a crybaby haha), and also I'm still depressed that I didn't get into the talent show again. Well, my friend said, 'Listen Mattie, think of it like this, don't ask "why do I not have a job right now?" ask "what does God want me to learn from this?"' He also said that "pearls given are rocks, pearls earned are priceless", meaning that finding things out for ourselves is a much sweeter reward than just being given the answers.
He also gave me this poem:

"My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.
Not till the loom in silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned."
(Unknown)

And I thought, "Sure, these are great words, but I'm still so scared and I don't know what to do." And I follow this blog that I go on reading splurges–when I first found it, I read the blog posts for hours and then I didn't really read any more until yesterday when I went on another splurge–and I was reading it yesterday and she said some things that hit home. God will always send us what we need. He sends us who we need, and He sends them when we need it. Never before we're ready. He only sends us answers when we are ready for them. And I love that. Sometimes, the answers are not what we want or expect, and so if we receive them before we are ready, we won't understand. We need to be humbled before God can give us the answers that we need and will be able to understand. We may not always understand why He gave us the answers He did, but we will be humbler and more ready for the answers. We need to humble ourselves and look for the answer; only then will God reveal His answer and plan to us (in pieces). He doesn't just give us the answers; I saw this thing that said, "The teacher is quiet during the test", and it's true. God doesn't just hand out answers willy-nilly. We need to work hard for them. I know that He loves us, and I know that He will help us if we ask Him to. So, to answer my question, "What does God want me to learn from this?" Right now, I don't know what He wants me to learn. But I am definitely going to find out soon.

Hope.

So, I totally love this gospel. Do you want to know why? Well, I'll tell you why. Because it gives me hope. All the time—no matter what I'm going through, it gives me hope. If I'm having a rough day, I can pray to my Heavenly Father and He will give me peace and comfort that tomorrow will be better. If I feel alone, I can pray to Him to help me find someone to talk with and He will guide me to where I need to be so that I can find them. If I am watching a friend die slowly, or if I've had deaths in my circle of family and friends, I can pray to Him to comfort me and I know that they will be or are at peace and that I will see them again someday. And I know that through my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can become clean and start over so that I can try to become a better person than I was yesterday so that I can live with my Heavenly Father again. And that? That gives me hope. 

Stay.

I'm listening to a song called "Stay" by Jenny Phillips. Here are the lyrics:

I stand in wonder

At what thou hast done for me

Nothing could ever

Be as sweet

As Thy mercy

As Thy love

As Thy peace

[Chorus]

My soul breathes

I feel hope beat

I'm so alive

When thy spirit fills me

I want this feeling with me

Stay, stay

Help me live in a way

That Thy spirit can stay with me

Sure as the sunrise

As pure as the falling snow

Like leaves that are dancing

In the autumn breeze

Like blue skies

Like laughter

Like new life

[Chorus (x2)]

My soul breathes

I feel hope beat

I'm so alive

When thy spirit fills me

I want this feeling with me

Stay, stay

Help me live in a way

That Thy spirit can stay with me

I love this song, especially the chorus. It's saying that My soul breathes, I feel hope, and I'm so alive when I feel His spirit, and then asking Him to "Help me live in a way that Thy spirit can stay with me." In D&C 25:12 it says "For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me" and this song is a perfect example of this because in the song she's asking Him to help her live in a way that His spirit can stay with her because she loves the feeling she gets when she feels it. I, too, love the feeling that His spirit gives me, and I hope and pray every day that I can live in a way that His spirit can stay and influence me. Because He loves me, I feel His love constantly through His spirit and I feel His mercy through the spirit that acts of kindness or thoughtfulness of others gives me. He is constantly showing me how much He loves me, and I hope and I pray that every day I can feel His spirit so that I can help others feel His love and mercy. 

Music is a prayer.

"For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me" ~D&C 25:12.

This is one of my favorite scriptures because I love music. I am glad when I get to share my musical talents with others because if I can feel the Spirit when I perform them, how much more can those I share the music with feel the Spirit? Music is just how I speak, and I'm glad that it is a prayer to my Heavenly Father.