We’re His children, too.

“Our experience at church is meant to provide vital connections with the Lord and with each other that are so needed for our spiritual and emotional well-being. Inherent in the covenants we make with God, beginning with baptism, is our responsibility to love and care for each other as members of the family of God, members of the body of Christ, and not just to check off a box on a list of things we’re expected to do.

Christlike love and care are higher and holier. The pure love of Christ is charity. As President Nelson taught, “Charity propels us ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ [⁠Mosiah 18:8⁠] rather than heap burdens upon each other.”

The Savior said, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” And President Nelson added: “Charity is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ.” “The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire. … How we speak to and about others … really matters.”” (Cheering Each Other On, Sister J. Anette Dennis, Oct. 2025)

We talked about Sister Dennis’ talk in Relief Society today, and this was one of my favorite sections from the talk. I love the emphasis she places on emulating charity like Jesus Christ, and loving and supporting the other members of our wards, neighborhoods, and communities.

One question that was posed during our discussion was, “How can we cheer ourselves on?” It’s very easy to cheer on our friends and neighbors, but self-love and self-cheering can be really difficult for many of us. We often feel like we don’t deserve His love, or that His charity is for others, and not ourselves. His charity is for us, too. We’re His children, too. 

One thing I’ve been doing recently with some friends is we talk about what we’ve accomplished that day. It’s helpful for me to talk about what I did get done, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to get done that day, or if it wasn’t as much as I wanted to get done.

As someone who lives with anxiety, depression, and PCOS, one major thing that I struggle with daily is energy, or a lack thereof. Some days I don’t have a ton of energy and I feel guilty for not getting a lot done. But I’m learning to be grateful and notice the things I do get done, and I’m grateful for the opportunity I have to learn more about self-love and care.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’m having more good days, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for amazing friends who help support and cheer me on with love and respect. 💜

I hope you have a wonderful Sabbath Day and a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

Lord, do you remember me?

I love going to the temple. I love the peace that I feel in the temple, and I love being able to sit in reverence. But yesterday was hard. We did sealings, which is usually fine. But this week, we found out our last cycle didn't work. So every time the sealer said, "wife and mother", I had to close my eyes and take a breath because I just wanted to cry. Even when we weren't at the altar, I had to focus really hard and take a breath.

After our session of sealings, we went to sit in the celestial room, and I started reading the Book of Psalms--I didn't read every chapter, but when I got to chapter 13, I can't even begin to tell you my feelings upon reading the chapter. 

David trusts in the Lord’s mercy and rejoices in His salvation.
To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.

1 How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5 But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
6 I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

It's hard to feel like God is with you or for you when it feels like He has forgotten you. Lately, I have been feeling like that. As I started reading this chapter, I felt seen. I felt my heart whisper, "Lord, do you even remember me?" As I continued reading the verses, I felt like Heavenly Father was whispering, "I am still here, Mattie."

When I got home and looked up Psalm 13 on my Gospel Library app, I found that I had already bookmarked that chapter, which was interesting, as when I had previously read it in the temple, I hadn't recalled reading/loving it before. But I think it was a tender mercy and a reminder from God that He knows me, and He knows what I need. And by prompting me to begin reading in the Book of Psalms, He knew that I would find peace in this chapter again.

I read or heard somewhere recently something that went a little like this: By saying how you feel, it can release the power of those words and feelings. I know that sometimes it doesn't always work. Sometimes, saying how you feel makes it more real. I think that either way, opening up your feelings is a really powerful way to tell yourself, "Hey, I know that I am feeling like this. Sometimes it doesn't feel okay, but it is okay to feel like this."

Knowing that God always remembers me, even when it feels like He has forgotten me, is also really powerful. Remembering Him, even when it feels like He has forsaken me, gives me strength. And sharing my experiences with loved ones increases my faith. So today, I'd like to bear my testimony that even though sometimes we might feel lost, alone, or forgotten, we are never lost, alone, or forgotten. Because God always knows where we are, He is always with us, and He will never forget us. 

You are loved. I hope you have a peaceful and blessed Sabbath Day.

Xoxo

Mattie

God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

Blessed to love and be loved.

Today is Sunday May 17, 2020, and today is also my last Sunday as an unmarried woman, because I am marrying my best friend in 3 days!!!

This has been a long road, full of loneliness at times, as well as heartache. But I was blessed with amazing friends, mentors, leaders, and a loving Savior and Father in Heaven to guide me along my journey in life. Ricky came into my life unexpectedly, but he was a fresh drink of water. He was just what I needed at that moment in life, and then I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him. Luckily, he realized he didn't want to live his life without me, either. 💜

We are so excited to begin our life together!!! I am so excited to go on adventures with him and to create our life together! I fall more in love with him every day and I am so grateful to be able to keep falling in love with him every day!

Though our wedding planning experience hasn't been what we had expected, it has helped me remember to focus on Ricky and I, and the covenants and promises that we will be making with and to each other and Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for Ricky's tenderness, his kind heart, his compassionate nature, his respectful attitude, and his sweet love towards me. He is a wonderful example to me of being Christlike, and I am SO blessed to be able to love (and be loved by) him!

We are two different people, with two completely different life experiences, and we won't always see eye to eye about things, but I always want to share my life with him. 💜

I am so grateful for the amazing examples of loving and healthy relationships in my life that I have to look up to. My grandparents, my parents, my aunts and uncles, my friends, and all of the General Authorities. The love that they have for, and how they talk about, their wives, is SO sweet, and I hope that Ricky and I will talk about each other like that in the future. 

In a BYU Devotional given by Elder Richard G. Scott in 2010 entitled, To Have Peace and Happiness, he says:

"Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage. It is the primary cause of contented, well-developed children. Who can justly measure the righteous influence of a mother’s love? What enduring fruits will result from the seeds of truth that you as a mother can carefully plant and lovingly cultivate in the fertile soil of your own child’s trusting mind and heart? As a mother, you have been given divine instincts to help you sense your child’s special talents and unique capacities. With your husband, you can nurture, strengthen, and cause those traits to flower.
[...]
In closing I share an eternal principle that will assure you of a rich, purposeful life whether you are single or married. I have found that the best way to live life is to seek to know the will of the Lord as guided by the Holy Spirit. He knows what is best for you. As you are obedient and exercise faith in Him, He will help you realize His will for you in your life. May the Lord inspire, guide, and richly bless each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I am so grateful for the loving and sweet examples of the prophets and apostles on how to love your spouse. I am looking forward to growing spiritually with Ricky as we move forward in our lives together. He is such a blessing in my life, and I hope that I can be a blessing to him, too.

We will be having a virtual wedding via Zoom! If you would like to celebrate with us, please let me know and I will send the link to you.

I hope you all have an exciting week! I know I will! I'm getting married and then going to St. George with my HUSBAND!!! I am so blessed to love him and to be loved by him!

God loves you and has amazing plans in store for you! You are wonderful, amazing, and loved by so many!

Xoxo
Mattie

Gratitude changes everything.

I am so full of gratitude this week!

I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and for His sacrifice for me, which makes it so that I can be with my family forever, and with Ricky forever. It makes it so that I get to try again and again to be like Him in order for me to live with my Heavenly Father again.

I am so grateful for Ricky. He is so thoughtful and sweet. I am so excited to be marrying him! He is a blessing gin my life and he is my best friend. There is so much that we still have to do to plan our wedding our future together, but he is oh-so-willing to help me (in most things 🤣).

I am grateful for the angels in my life–on this earth, and on the other side. I am grateful for the love, peace, and guidance that they–and the Holy Ghost–give to me. I am so blessed to have angels on both sides of the veil in my life to bless, love, and support me.

I am grateful for the Book of Mormon. I am grateful for its testimony of Jesus Christ, and for the truths in its pages, and for the lessons that these truths teach me. I am grateful for the peace that it brings into my life, and for the answers that come as I search its pages.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I am grateful for Her divinity and strength. I am grateful for His mercy and grace. I am grateful for Their love and guidance. I am grateful for the blessings they give to me, and for the big part that They play in my life. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father is always willing to bless me and lift me up.

I am grateful for friends and family who are always willing to help me, especially with wedding plans as my wedding is coming up. Everyone has been offering help and advice, and I so appreciate it.

When we are grateful, and notice our blessings, we're happier. I've seen this in my life. As we recognize the Lord's hand in our lives, we are able to notice more and more all of the good things in our lives. The more grateful we are, the more dopamine that our brain makes, which means that we are happier! It's science! I learned that in college! But I've also experienced it in my life. I am grateful for the love and peace that being grateful has brought to me. What are you grateful for?

I hope that everyone has a great week! God loves you! I love you! Thanks for all of the love and support!!

Xoxo
Mattie

God always gives us blessings–especially when we're sick.

What a week this has been! I have been sick with a cold, and it has made me extremely tired all week! But I have been able to see God's hand in my life every day this week. I was able to wake up early enough every morning to get to work on time, and I've been able to drink lots of water this week. I've been taking some medicine randomly, but this week I'm going to try to take it more routinely and help my body kick this sickness!

In other news, I've been learning and growing a lot this week at work. I had to be more patient than normal (because sick Mattie apparently canNOT deal with things that make her impatient), and I had to work all week through my cold and headaches that occurred nearly every day. The worst part is that every other day was good, and every other day was bad. So some days I felt like I was getting better, and then other days I was almost worse than I was before. It has been a tough week. I think that I was able to rein in my emotions this week, so my kids didn't really notice anything off about me, which is good.

I was thinking about the story of the Prodigal Son in the New Testament earlier this week, and it reminded me of something my New Testament professor this last year said. He said that it should really be called the story of the Prodigal Sons because the son that stayed home also was a little lost. When his brother came back, he was jealous of all the attention he was getting, and of the party that his father threw for him just because he came home. I made a post on my Facebook page for this blog about it, and you can find that link here.

I am really grateful that I was able to make it through this week. I'm grateful for the love and peace I've felt from my Father in Heaven, and from some of my friends. Despite my sickness, and the headaches and such, this week was pretty good, and full of happiness. As I listened to conference talks and read my scriptures, I felt like the Lord was proud of me, and that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I am hoping that I will be feeling better by the end of this week, because I don't want to spend the whole season sick!

I'm grateful for the power of the priesthood, and that my dad is always willing to give me a blessing. I am grateful for my family, and for the love and support that they give me, and for the fun times that we have together. I am grateful for my friends, and for their love and support, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love. I am grateful for my Savior, and for His love and sacrifice. I am grateful that He was willing to sacrifice His life so that we could return to live with our Father in Heaven someday.

Sorry this week's post is so short! I am just very tired and need to go rest some more! I hope that everyone has an amazing week this week!! I love you and am praying for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

God blessed the broken road.

I am feeling so grateful and blessed! It has been quite a week! What with feeling pumped from conference, getting a bunch of calls from places that I applied to, getting 1st place at the BYU Fulton Conference in the college of Family Life, to getting A JOB FOR AFTER GRADUATION! I am so excited for it! I can't believe my dreams are coming true! I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father! I know that He has been blessing me lately, even when I couldn't always see it. I am thankful for the confirmation from Him that this is what He wants me to do.

Yesterday I went to the temple and I ran into two friends and it was so nice to see them! I also was able to really just feel the Spirit, and feel confirmation and peace about the things that I have planned for the future.

I absolutely LOVED the talks in sacrament meeting today! Sarah talked a lot about personal revelation, spiritual experiences, and gaining a testimony. My favorite thing that she talked about was how mental health, spirituality, and revelation go hand-in-hand. Sometimes your body can't receive revelation and you think that God isn't talking to you but that's not true. He is always there and He is always speaking to you. I really loved it because I've felt like God isn't speaking to me, and looking back, it's been in the past few years...which is when my mental health took a decline. So my body wasn't capable of receiving revelation...because my mind was sick. Once Sarah put that thought into words, things made a lot more sense.

In Relief Society today we talked about what we loved about conference. I loved what someone said she got from conference...She said, "Don't judge...just help each other and do your best." I love this because I got a similar message from conference. I got a message of love, service, and just trying your best.

Someone said, "Everything makes sense with the gospel because everything is because of the gospel." I loved that. Life is made easier with the gospel–with Christ–because everything is because of the gospel, and because of Christ. When my life is centered in Christ, and in the gospel, everything makes sense. I might not always understand what's going on, but I know that, no matter what, He is with me, and He loves me.

One of the last things we were talking about was how we should step forward and trust the Lord. Take His promptings for you and show Him that you trust Him. I really feel like I have been trying to do this lately. I have been trying to show Him that I trust Him. I realized that I needed to choose. I needed to make a decision about where I wanted to go. I had been asking and asking Heavenly Father to help guide me to making the decision...but I wasn't getting an answer. I felt like He was silent...but looking back, His silence was the answer. He left the decision up to me. So when I finally made a decision...I told Him if He didn't approve of my decision, He'd have to be very obvious in letting me know that He had a different idea for me. And He paved the way for me to get the job, so I knew that He approved of my choice.

I am very blessed and grateful for so many things that I have been blessed with...the blessing of music, the blessing of family, the blessing of love, the blessing of revelation, and the blessing of peace. I am so grateful for loving friends who are always willing to lend a helping hand and a listening ear.

I know that things happen for a reason, and I know that God has led me to today, and to this job. I am so grateful for the chance I have to be a part of something that I love and something that inspires me. I am so excited for the future and for the next adventures of my life! I am grateful that my Heavenly Father is so loving and kind. I am grateful that He is always there for me and that He supports me in all of my endeavors and dreams.

Xoxo
Mattie

We need to minister love as He did.

I think that for the last two weeks, Life has just been like..."Mm, let's see...Mattie is almost on her last stretch...how much damage can we do before she gets there to make her not want to get there? 😈" Because goodness gracious, what a time it has been! From not only falling up the stairs and getting a gnarly bruise but waking up with a couple bizarre bruises this week to having the most awful migraine last week, I think the only thing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks is me breaking something–either a bone or part of my violin–which has often been a fear of mine. Wait, I lied. I haven't thrown up, either (though I've been nauseous a lot).

ANYWAY. Sorry for the extensive life update–I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. It's been a ROUGH couple of weeks for me–not only physically, but mentally, and I had to take a lot of time for myself because my mind and body needed time to heal. It has been a little stressful because I have had a lot of school things to work on that I haven't been able to work on as much as I wanted because I've been dealing with helping myself heal. But I am grateful that I have the faith and trust in my Heavenly Father to ask for priesthood blessings because I know that the faith to ask for priesthood blessings shows Him my humbleness, and willingness to listen to things He has to say to me. I know that as I do the things He asks me to, He will bless me, and He will bless my efforts.

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Once upon a time, there was a girl who envisioned the life that she wanted. And she started the path to that life. But she kept hitting dead ends. Some were quick dead ends; others were a little bit longer. She didn't understand. The map she had didn't show so many dead ends. So she went to the mapmaker to ask for guidance, direction, and insight. 

She asked the mapmaker, "Why are these dead ends not mapped out? I'd like to avoid them." She had had enough heartache and just wanted something to work out for once.

His response was short: "If you knew all the dead ends, you wouldn't learn from your mistakes." He knew she would learn better if she made her own decisions. 

Trying to understand, she asked the mapmaker, "How can I best navigate the course I desire?" 

He answered, "Take all the time you need to decide which paths to take, and which course to follow. If you have any questions, I am happy to answer them. But I won't be able to make any decisions for you. This life is all about what you want, and if I am making all the choices for you, it's not going to be what you want."

She thought about that for a minute and then said, "You are right. How can I know when to ask you for help?"

"Oftentimes," he said, "you will just know. You will feel it in your heart."

Thanking the mapmaker for his time, she walked back to the last point of the path where she had been. She looked at her map, and thought back to what the mapmaker had said about taking the time she needed. She knelt down and tried to figure out exactly what she wanted, what she needed, and which paths would give her what she desired. 

Standing up, she made a choice, and headed off in that direction. She wouldn't know for a long time if that was the correct choice or not, but for now, she knew that it felt right, and that it seemed to be what she needed right now.

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(In case you couldn't tell, the story above was an allegory for our life here on Earth. There are always going to be dead ends–paths that seem right at the time, but end up not going anywhere. God is our mapmaker, and He is always going to be there for us to guide us and help us, but He can't make any decisions for us; it is up to us what paths and choices we make. I hope that you remember that sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that if you fall, God will catch you.)

The message I got in church today was MINISTER LOVE. I loved the focus on ministering today. 

Alex asked a question in her talk that I loved: Are we the first person others think of when in need? I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that I at least try to be that person. 

Kyle asked a couple of questions that I loved, too: Who do I want to be? And what do I need to do to get there? I loved these because honestly, life is hard to navigate until you know who you want to be and what things you need to do to be that person. 

One thing that we discussed in Relief Society that I loved was that, after we go through/to the temple. we will received more temptations because we are more of a threat. And I know that that is true. This semester has been one of the hardest–not because of school, but because I have just had a lot of things going on that have been making it hard for me to focus on the right things. But I know that when I am able to focus on the right things, and do what I am supposed to do, that everything else falls into place. 

I went to the temple yesterday morning, and it was such a beautiful time. It was the first time that I went by myself since I've gone through, and it was a little scary at first but it was good. :) It was wonderful to just sit there and ponder on things that I have been worried about, and things that have been on my mind for awhile. One thing that I learned while I was sitting in the temple was that even though I make mistakes a lot, if I have the desire and will to change, as long as I have the Lord beside me, I can overcome whatever is thrown my way.

I am thankful for the blessings of the temple, of the priesthood, of the Spirit, of music, and for the blessing of being a woman. Life is certainly difficult, but I know that there are things that I can do because I am a woman, and I am thankful for the blessing of being ME because there are things that I can do that no one else can. And I hope that I bless the lives of those around me in the best ways.

God is a powerful being who made not only this world, but US. He made YOU. He made ME. And He created us to do a marvelous work that no one else can do. You are meant to do great things, and only you can do them. He will help you figure them out if you ask Him for help. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week! God loves you so much, and I do, too!

Xoxo
Mattie

Blessings of the temple.

I am SO BLESSED!!! I was able to go through the Provo City Center temple yesterday and it was SO WONDERFUL!! I was able to have many friends and family there with me and it was such a special time!! The whole day was beautiful and I am so grateful that I was able to go through with my loved ones.

I am so blessed to have had some of the most amazing examples in my life, who have loved me in my weaknesses, and who have pushed me in my anxieties and worries, and who have helped me to go and be above and beyond who I currently am and helped me see who I can become. I am grateful for those in my life who have supported me in all my endeavors, and who have helped me see beyond this life–beyond the frustrations, beyond the unhappy moments. I am grateful for those who have helped me see and remember that my Savior is there for me. He is always there. So when I'm feeling lonesome or sad and no one is around...I can always turn to Him. I've been so blessed to be able to have not only friends and family to turn to, but my Savior, and my Father in Heaven.

Sometimes there are parts of life that don't always go as planned. Sometimes people aren't who you think they are. Sometimes this causes sadness or disappointment. That's okay. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel sad. But we need to stand up. Brush off the negativity. And walk tall. Because YOU are a child of God. YOU are loved beyond measure. YOU are full of potential. YOU are someone that God can count on. YOU are one of God's warriors and He has an amazing plan for you!

I am really excited for this school semester! I'm almost done with college! I have six months left and I can't believe it! I have really been blessed during this time in my life. I have learned so much and grown in so many ways and I am really excited to finish this chapter in my life and start the next one. I've been able to realize some things about myself, and about some goals I have, and it has been a little scary at times, but ultimately, I've been able to take these realizations and use them to better myself, and to focus more on where I want to go in life.

I know that God loves me. I know that He loves you. I know that as you trust in Him, He will bless you. I know that when we do His will, and when we follow the Holy Ghost, that we will be blessed with love, power, and understanding. I know that as we bless the lives of those around us, God will use us more and more to serve and bless His children on earth–our brothers and sisters.

God is great, you guys. The temple is special and I am so blessed to have been able to go through. I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for me, and I know that He is with me every day. I know that the more I go to the temple, the more I will understand, and the more peace that it will bring to me.

Last week was a little crazy, but I know that this week will be a lot better because I went to the temple yesterday!! My friend said, "The temple always makes life better" and she is 100% correct!! I am so blessed to have gone through the temple and am so grateful for the love and peace that I've felt in my life since yesterday. God is so wonderful, you guys. I love Him so much and am so grateful for Him!! 💜💜💜

Hope you have a wonderful week!! Take things one day at a time! Life's a lot easier that way!

Xoxo
Mattie

Learning life lessons.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed my life in many ways this year, and I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does it because He loves me!

I can't believe the end of the year is here! It's been quite a year! I've learned a lot! I think that one of the main things that I have learned this year–though I still am struggling to understand it at times–is that there is a reason for all things. Things happen for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to. It's hard to remember that, though, and it's hard to have patience sometimes. But I know that when you take a step back, and try not to focus on some of the things that you want, that 1) time will fly by as you're waiting; and 2) sometimes something better will come along and you'll realize that what you wanted was a good thing, but this new thing is better for you.

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is looking back on the year, and being amazed at all the things that have happened this year. I look back at things that happened in March and April, and I go, "Was that really this year?" And it amazes me how time seems to fly by when you least expect it. I could have sworn that I have been taking my medication for a long time, but I just started taking it this year; I could have sworn that the summer went on forEVER, but then it was over; I could have sworn Fall semester just started, but now it's over; and I could have sworn I just turned 21 and had the greatest surprise party of my life, but I'm now a month out from being 22 and I can't believe it!!

I've grown and learned so much this year!! I am so thankful for all of the new friends that I have made, and for all of the love and support that I have received this year. I am grateful for all the adventures that I have had this year! I have learned many, many things about God's plan for me, and about who I am. 

I learned that God is always watching out for me. I learned that, in spite of my mistakes, He still loves me. I learned that, despite the fact that I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time, He never gave up on me. He still believed in me, and He had still forgiven me. I learned that He sends the best people in my life to come at times when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. I learned that I have so many people who love me, and that God wants to make sure that I know that I am not alone, and that I am not unloved. I learned that it's important to have at least a few strong and sweet friendships with people that you can always count on–people besides the Savior. 

I learned this year that I am wonderful. I am funny. I am kind. I am loving. I am gracious. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am hard-working. I am talented. I am creative. I am determined. I learned that I am all of these things but I am NOT my anxiety. I am NOT my depression. I have anxiety, and I have depression. But they do not define me. They are not a part of who I am. They are just mental health illnesses that I have. It has taken me a while to figure that out, but I think I am finally beginning to understand the difference. 

I learned that I struggle with school, which was kind of a surprise, but I learned that I love the learning part of school. I learned that I really love being organized and making lists–it doesn't always happen haha but it makes my life much easier. I learned that my life is my life and that it's not anyone else's, and that I have things to learn and go through that others do not. I learned that I can do a lot more with my life if I set my mind to things. I learned that my worth is not defined by others. I learned that who I am is who I am, and that nobody can take that away from me. I learned that it is okay to say no. I learned that it is okay to ask for help–and it is okay to keep asking for help until you get it. I learned that it is okay to want something at one time, and end up not wanting it later. I learned that it is okay to change your mind. I learned that sometimes I accidentally hurt people, and that I want to do all that I can to take away the hurt, but sometimes I can't do that. I learned that sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and forgive, let go, and move on–even if it hurts. And I learned that other people can feel and do these things too! So I also learned that I am not alone.

These are just a few of the things that I have learned this past year. Wow! I can't believe I have learned so much! What have you learned this past year? What has been the biggest thing that shaped your life this year? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear what you guys learned this year!

I am excited for the New Year, and for all the lessons that I will be able to learn next year. I am excited for all of the adventures that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months as I am finishing up school! And I am excited for all the unexpected adventures that are coming my way in this new year! Life might not always go exactly as I want it to, but somehow whatever happens always works out in the best way! God is great, and I am so thankful for Him! 💜💕

Xoxo

Mattie

I can #LightTheWorld by serving.

I am so grateful for the people in my life!! It's been a little bit of a crazy week but I have been able to get the support I've needed and it has been a blessing.

God is so good, you guys. I have been very much stressed about this upcoming week because I've got a lot of projects due but I was able to get a blessing at the start of last week and I have been feeling good about all my projects. Still stressed, but I have been feeling like I really can do this! I am still nervous but I know that as long as I set my mind to it, I can focus and finish in the time that I need to!
Finals are coming up and I am nervous about them but I have faith in myself and I know that as I take the time to study for them, I will be blessed for my efforts. I cannot wait to be able to go home and spend the holidays with my family! I am so excited!

I had a sacrament hymn stuck in my head the other day, and I figured out that it was "O God, the Eternal Father", and as I was reading the lyrics, I remembered how much God loves us. How much He desires for us to be able to return to live with Him. Heavenly Father sent His Son to Earth–to be born as mortals are born, and to live as we live. He lived a perfect life, and was the perfect example for us to follow, and emulate. He died for us on the cross, after having suffered for our sins, pains, temptations, afflictions, and anything else we have gone through–physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He has felt and experienced it all. You are not alone. God made sure that we are able to receive all the love and help that we need in our lives.

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This week for Light the World, the focus is Light Your Community. Service doesn't just happen on a grand, global scale. Your own community is full of opportunities to get involved, make a difference, and give as Jesus gave. How can you #LightTheWorld in your community? Get involved! Here are a few examples:

1. Last Monday, there was a terrible accident on BYU's campus in the Tanner building that involved a student, who passed away from their injuries. The following days, there was a place in the Tanner building where people could go and write little positive notes, and I think people could even take flowers to give to people. This was a devastating experience for our campus, but people were able to help spread the love, and that is what is most important. Our community was able to get together and help lift each other up. 

2. Last night, I needed a priesthood blessing, so I asked my friend if he could come over and give me a blessing. He was able to come and give me a short–but very sweet–blessing from my Father in Heaven. I am so thankful for the men in my ward who are always willing to give blessings!! And I am so thankful that I have the faith to ask them for blessings! Priesthood blessings are a two-way street–they are a blessing for me, and they are an opportunity for the men to access and use their priesthood to bless those around them. 

3. Last Tuesday was National Cookie Day, and my Relief Society president passed out cookies to each of our apartments! It was so sweet and thoughtful! I am so grateful for her love and service!!
4. Last Sunday, my roommates and I watched as several of the men from our ward cleared snow off of the cars in the parking lot. I was so amazed at their dedication and love! It was such a blessing for those who might not have had the tools necessary to clear the snow off their cars, or for those who were running late. 

5. My friend had her junior recital Friday night for her major and I was able to go! It was an amazing recital and I am so proud of her! I am so grateful that I was able to go support her! She has worked so hard and is such an amazing musician! I am so proud of her!

These are all just a bunch of examples that I have seen in this past week and I am sure that there will be more in this upcoming week! I am going to pray for more opportunities to serve this week, and also for the ability to recognize those opportunities and attend to the needs of those around me! It doesn't even have to be something big! It can be as small as asking someone how their day went, and then listening as they rant about the worst part of their day. 

I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have to serve in my life. I know that it blesses the lives of those around me as I make time to bless their lives and ease any burdens that they may have. I know that it blesses me, because as I listen to the Spirit, I am able to hear Him more often in my life, and I am able to bless and serve those around me more and more. I am looking forward to serving people throughout the rest of my life!

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I am so, so thankful! For everything! This year has been crazy...and this semester has been insane...but I wouldn't change it for the world!! I have learned so much, and grown so much, and I am so thankful for the love and support that I have felt from my Father in Heaven! I am grateful that I am in such a great place right now and I am grateful that I have so many amazing things going for me. I am so excited for next month! Not only is my birthday at the end of the month, but exactly 15 days before my birthday I am going to be interviewing with my Bishop and then a member of the Stake Presidency to get my temple recommend so that I can go through the temple for the first time!! I am hoping to be able to go through soon after that! I cannot wait! I am very excited to be able to covenant with my Father in Heaven and to be able to then have the opportunity to bless those on the other side of the veil!! I am grateful that I am able to prepare myself to go through the temple, and I am grateful that I have had the prompting to do so. I am grateful that I have been feeling so much love and support from my family and friends about it!! 

I know that God listens to our prayers. I know that He loves us very much, and that He wants what is best for us! I know that the people that He places in our lives are there for a reason, and that we have something to not only give to them, but that we have something to learn from them. I know that I have a Savior who lived and died for me, and who loves me so much. I know that I have a Father and Mother in Heaven who love me so much, and who want me to be the best that I can be, just like my earthly parents. I am so thankful for the love that I have felt from Them through the Spirit, and I am grateful that I can have that connection with Them through the Holy Ghost. 

Xoxo
Mattie

In my brokenness, I am His.

It's been a pretty odd week. No, wait, that's not what I meant. I meant "off". It's been a pretty off week. Well, I guess technically it's been both. Let me explain. (But first let me say that this is a vulnerable post that might seem scary to you, but really, I'm okay. :) )

Sometimes life seems like it's going pretty well but you just can't. feel. anything. Or you just feel so. dang. empty. And you can't really understand why. Everything seems to be fine. Classes are going well. Work is going well. But you just can't find the energy to do anything, or you just don't want to be productive.

Or you're sitting in a room full of people and you're not really part of any one conversation because you don't really have any desire to be, and you just pipe in to everyone else's conversations randomly when you hear something that interests you, but nobody seems to notice.

Or you just sit there, not saying anything, listening to everyone talk, and you're just there, and nobody seems to notice.

Or you're in the back room for awhile and when you come back out, you hear, "Oh, you're still here! I thought you'd left." And you know that you should be amused, or hurt, but you just feel empty. And yet, somehow you're all of the above.

This–all of what I have just explained–is my depression. But this is just a part of it. Some weeks it hits me really, really hard. Some weeks, my depression and anxiety are both extremely prevalent, and it's a really bad week. Sometimes, the week is fairly okay, but there is just one day that my depression hits, and I just can't do anything. I can't feel anything. I just exist. The scary part is that sometimes, I don't want to exist. I often wonder what life would be like if I hadn't existed. If I just *poof* vanished from the world, and from everyone's minds and lives.

In these moments–in all of the moments like this–it's hard to rise above it. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of water, and I've been struggling for so long–my arms and legs are so exhausted, and I just don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to relax, but I'm still in the pool. When I'm not struggling to stay afloat, I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Nobody's around to see me drown. It feels like nobody cares. And I go back to wondering what life would be like if I didn't exist anymore...

But suddenly there's this shadow above me in the water. There's a hand reaching down to me, down through the water. I grab the hand greedily, as if I'm thirsty and this hand is a glass of water, and steadily I'm pulled upward. I gasp as I break the surface and take deep breaths. I'm pulled over the edge of the water to the ground, and I look to my rescuer. And I start to cry because I know that face. He's kneeling down next to me, wiping away my tears, and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". For my rescuer is my Savior. I keep repeating, "I'm sorry" while I'm crying, and He just holds me. I don't know why He picks particular moments to lift me up, but I do know that He is always close by, and that He will never let me drown.

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In moments of vulnerability, and brokenness, it's hard to see how anyone could love me, or want to save me. I don't often feel like I'm worth it. I'm just a regular, average girl. But in my moments of vulnerability and brokenness I forget the most important thing: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. He loves me so much. I love this video because it shows that we are ALL children of God.

There is beauty in my vulnerability and brokenness. When I am broken and vulnerable enough to turn to God, I am allowing Him into the deepest parts of me, and I am letting Him see all of me, and I am letting Him in so that He can heal me.

"I am a broken soul, this is true.
But in my brokenness, I am freed.
In my brokenness, I am healed.
In my brokenness, I am found.
In my brokenness, I am His."
~In My Brokenness, by Mattie Radke

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I hope you all have a very wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! I'm grateful for the holiday seasons that are approaching! It's a wonderful time to remember to look outwards, and to help those in need.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life. My ward is AMAZING, and I am so thankful for all of the kindness that I have felt in the ward, and all of the love.

I am grateful for the ward that I was in the last two years. I grew so much there, and I really felt the love of my Father in Heaven there. I really felt like I had a place, like I belonged.

I am so grateful for all of the women in my life who have shown me how to love, and serve, and how to rise above the challenges that I will inevitably face.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family, and that I know I can always count on them.

I am grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven, and for His support. I am grateful that He sent His Son to save us. I am grateful that my Savior is always there for me, and that He is always waiting to lend a hand when I need it.

Xoxo
Mattie

He gives us peace.

I am so grateful for the week that I've had. Even though I totally did not do super great on my midterms this week, I know that I tried my best, and that's all that matters. I have another midterm this week, and there's some meetings I've got this week for a few different projects, but I think that I will do better on my midterm this week.

I've been reading The Book of Mormon every day this week, and one of my favorite verses in the books of Nephi has always been 1st Nephi 9:6, which says, "But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words." This is one of my favorite scriptures because it's a reminder to me that Heavenly Father has a plan just for me, and He is helping me find it. He's helping me through it. All of the things that I am going through...all of the things that have happened in my life...are leading me to who I need to be, and where I need to be.

Recently, I have decided that it's time that I focus on my testimony, and spiritual self. I am really excited–I have been working on it a for a few weeks and have already seen some blessings in my life.  I have been more in tune with the Spirit lately, and I have been feeling more at peace. This semester has been really amazing–I haven't had a lot of crazy weeks, and I've been on top of my homework like nobody's business. I'm really excited to be graduating at the end of this school year, and I have a few fun ideas for after I graduate.

I have a challenge for you guys. For my Preparation for Marriage class, one of our assignments is to do a bunch of little experiential assignments, and one of the options we had was to write a love letter to ourselves. We could only write positive things, and I learned a lot about myself. I challenge you to write a love letter to yourself. I promise that it will be enlightening about who you are, and I know that you will come to love yourself a little more as you think about your personality traits, attributes, and all of the beautiful parts of who you are.

I am so thankful for my Father in Heaven, who blesses me and loves me. He has inspired me to confront my fears, learn to love my flaws, and bless those around me despite what's going on in my life.

Church was amazing today! I learned a lot of things I need to do to improve myself and my attitude about certain things in my life. I was able to meet my new ministering elders today and they were so sweet and willing to give me a blessing. I am so thankful for the blessing! It was really special and sweet and I know that my Father in Heaven is listening and watching out for me. I know that He cares for me and wants what is best for me. That blessing was an answer to my prayers and I am so blessed and so thankful for the sweet blessing from my Father in Heaven.

I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I love the path that I am on in life right now. I am not perfect, and my life is not perfect, but right now I am doing what I need to be doing, and I am where I need to be.  Even though I don't understand some of the things that I am going through, I am so blessed to have loving Heavenly Parents who are there for me, and who have given me wonderful friends and family to depend on.

Philippians 4:7: "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Xoxo
Mattie

God loves. So I love.

What a week! It's been really crazy, and yet, overall it's been really great, and so easy. This semester has–for the most part–not been super stressful, which I appreciate greatly. Especially considering next semester might be slightly more crazy, especially if I end up taking as many credits as I have sitting in my cart currently (which is 18, fun fact).

I had the opportunity to go to the temple yesterday with my friend and it was absolutely the best thing!! It was exactly what I needed! I love going to the temple, and I especially love hanging out with my friends! Yesterday was like the best day ever! I got a lot of stuff done and I just felt really, really great! I'm so pumped for this week even though I've got like two tests opening on Thursday.

I have been on a social media fast for the last seven days, and I still have three more to go, but honestly, it has been the BIGGEST BLESSING in my life!!! That kind of shocked me, actually! I am absolutely in love with social media, and in keeping up with my friends and family, but these past seven days have been so wonderful! I've been more focused and on top of things. I also never thought that I would be able to actually do a social media fast, I love it so much. But I did! I'm so proud of myself!!

In the midst of my social media fast, I have filled my time with:

• homework
• scripture study
• listening to the Spirit
• communicating with my friends and family via text or in person
• going to the temple
• focusing on myself
• figuring out some of my goals for the school year
• realizing my potential, my purpose, and what I have to offer the world

Now, I'm not saying that I don't do those things when I am not on a social media fast, but sometimes it is a bit harder to do. I am excited to see where not only the rest of the semester takes me, but the rest of the school year! I have a lot of exciting plans for the next several months and I can't wait to see what happens! After my social media fast is over, I have decided that I still want to implement some aspects of the social media fast. I want to only go on at certain times of the day for a certain amount of time, and only if I do not have any major projects or assignments to do. I honestly spend SO MUCH of my time on social media. It's honestly a problem, and I've always known that, but this social media fast has really opened my eyes to 1) how bad it is, and 2) how I can overcome it.

God knows my heart. He knows how much good I have in me. And He knows what I have needed to help me realize my worth and potential. 

I have been thinking for about a year and a half about going through the temple, but I have had some things in my life that have made it hard for me to feel worthy, even though I have repented. This summer, as most of you know, I had the amazing opportunity to go work at a scout camp up at Bear Lake! Up until this social media fast, it was the biggest blessing in my life (though it honestly still is one of the biggest blessings in my life) because I grew so much this summer!! I absolutely loved being up at Bear Lake, even though work was crazy, I was always tired, and I didn't always feel like I got enough people interaction. 

ANYWAY.

The point of that little segue was this: while at Bear Lake this summer, I tried to focus on myself, and my relationship with God, and forgiving myself. And it worked. By the end of the summer, I finally felt like I could forgive myself, and I felt like I was finally starting to hear God speak to me again! I was elated and couldn't be happier! I felt like it wasn't quite so dark in my life anymore.

I had about three weeks from the time I got home to the time I had to go back to school, and I was SO excited to go back to school! I couldn't wait to get learning and finish up my college career and GRADUATE! Ah! I couldn't stand it. Finally, the semester started! I was still feeling good and thinking about going through the temple, but it wasn't entirely the focus on my mind anymore. I had started seeing this guy and was really excited about getting to know him more. In addition to that, I had many projects to work on for school. 

There came a point in the middle of September when I was starting to question (as I often do) my purpose in this life, and what I am here for. I never understand it, I feel like, but sometimes I question if I even have a purpose.

In the week before General Conference, I had a prompting to send some inspiring messages to some of my friends, and as I pondered messages to send, I couldn't help but hope that I wasn't crazy and that what I sent them was actually what they needed. Turns out, God is all knowing! And somehow I sent them exactly what they needed.

Remember that guy I was seeing? Well, after about a month and a half, the relationship ended. I was devastated, but couldn't wait for conference to start the next morning so I could feel God's love. I was hoping for answers for some things that I was thinking about–including going through the temple. And in the first talk, I received some answers. Eagerly I awaited each talk, and somehow, I found something in every. single. talk. That answered one of my questions. Even questions I hadn't written down.

And as for the questions that I struggle with daily: Am I really needed here on earth? Is there something I can do even though I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life as a career? Is there something I can do to help me not feel useless, and to help me realize my potential? Do I have a purpose right now, and even after now? 

I did have a purpose!! God needs disciples, and I am one of His disciples!! God needs people to minister to His children, and love them, and I am one of His ministers! I am someone who loves His children deeply! 

I give something to this world that no one else does: I give undying, endless love and compassion. No one loves like I do.

By the end of conference, I was feeling so, so loved, and I was feeling so warm and happy, and grateful. I realized that I am worthy enough to start preparing to go through the temple, and I realized that not only do I have a purpose in this life, but I am loved, too. I am loved by so many people. I realized that right now, what I need is to focus on my testimony, and my spiritual preparation and journey to go through God's holy temple. I needed to focus on ministering to those around me, and making sure that they know that they are loved. 

In this last week, I have received many more answers about other questions and goals that I have, and I am feeling good about going forward. 

I have been deeply afraid of a lot of things recently...but one of the lessons I have really learned and come to understand lately is this: God gives peace and comfort. And God knows you. He knows what you need, and He is always trying to help you understand what you need, and what He needs you to do. 

Today in Relief Society we learned about not being troubled, and my roommate gave an extremely profound comment that I loved. She said, "Fear drives us to Christ." I loved that. As we were talking about things that dispel fear, we discovered that the things that help the most to dispel fear come from God. And that our love for Him and His Gospel dispels fear. I do not need to fear anything about life. For one, I have God on my side. And for two, if I fear God more than I fear man (be in awe of His strength and power), and anything about life, I will be blessed to be able to work with God, and use my fear of Him to press forward steadfastly with faith, and bless His children. When I turn to Him, my fears fade away.

I know that God blesses us. I know that He sends us answers not only when we ask for them, but when we need them–even if we didn't know that that was a question we were seeking an answer for. I know that He loves us all–we are His children, and He created us. 

It's so easy to love other people, but it's a lot harder to love yourself. I've been working really hard on that since the summer, and even though I'm not perfect at it, I am in a better place today than I was then. I really do love myself, and I am blessed to be able to see past my imperfections most of the time. I hope to someday just honestly love myself fully for who I am like I do with my friends and family. That is my goal. I know that God is helping me learn to love myself and see past my flaws. I know that I see past my loved ones' flaws, and I see past a few of my own, but I still have a ways to go. 

I hope and pray that you all know that God loves you, blesses you, and wants what is best for you. I hope you know that I love you and pray for you every day, and that I wish only the best for you in life.

Xoxo

Mattie

God is mindful of you and of your journey.

What a crazy week! My root canal went better than I expected, but I definitely am still in a little bit of pain. School has been fairly okay this week, and I was blessed to have had it be pretty simple after the root canal.

I am so excited for General Conference this weekend!! I'm so excited to be able to hear from our leaders and hear what they have to say to us!!

I am thankful for the love and support of my Father in Heaven this week. I am so thankful to be able to depend on Him in my life.

I had a lot of short and sweet thoughts during fast and testimony meeting today.

-Not only does our Savior stand by us, but we stand by Him! Because He loves and trusts us to do all that He needs us to do.
-Heavenly Father hears our prayers, and is so mindful of us.
-We really had to have so much faith and trust in Jesus Christ before we came here to earth. We knew we would make mistakes, but we trusted that He wouldn't make a mistake so that we could return to live with our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for the journey that I've been on in my life. It's taken me to places I never thought I'd be, and it's brought people to me that I never knew I needed, but somehow they were exactly what I needed.

I'm so thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows what I need and when. I'm grateful for miracles and blessings, and I'm grateful for peace and light.

Nobody knows me better than my Father in Heaven, and I'm grateful that He is guiding me to be who I need to be. I have grown a lot in the past couple of months, and I'm honestly so proud of who I am right now. I've still got some learning to do, as we all do, but I know that I am where I am meant to be, and I know that I am who I am meant to be. God is very aware of the growth that I've needed, and He is very aware of the journey that I need to take.

Life is crazy sometimes, and sometimes I don't know what's gonna happen in my life. But I know that  my Heavenly Father is always going to be there for me, and I know that He is never going to leave me alone. He is always going to be right beside me, and He is always going to want me to stand by Him, as long as I am doing my part to share His love with everyone around me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Xoxo
Mattie

I do not know everything, but I know enough.

It has been a little bit of a crazy week but I'm glad it's over!! I have hope this next week will go a little more smoothly!

Today I was thinking during the sacrament about how grateful I am for my Savior!! I am so grateful that He patiently waits for me to be ready. Forgiving yourself can be really, really hard, but once you have, your life becomes so peaceful and happy! I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in my life,  but I hope to never again experience that long period of time where I felt so uncomfortable with who I was. I believe that my inability to forgive myself has been one of the main reasons I have been unable to fully hear my Father in Heaven. But now that I have come to forgive myself, and am taking medication for my anxiety and depression, and am trying to study my scriptures every day, I believe my ability to hear Him is no longer clouded by noise. And though I do not know what the future holds for me, I am so, so blessed to be able to say, "I am just trying to take things one step at a time." There are times where my anxiety/depression takes over, but I am more capable now to shut it down as quickly as I can. God has really blessed me in the last year, and I am full of gratitude for His love, assistance, and guidance. He has blessed me immensely in the last couple of months, too, and I am so, so grateful for that. His love and the peace that I have felt in my life recently is a blessing in my life.

Today was our ward conference, and one thing that I loved that was talked about was the fact that sometimes we might have our own '4-9' season, but we can make the changes we need (with the help of our Father in Heaven) to have a perfect–or close to perfect–season. 

There have been a lot of changes in the church recently, and one of the Stake Presidency said that it is because the leaders are trying to help us become a more righteous people. They are trying to help us minister as the Savior did and does. 

Alex talked in our Relief Society meeting today about anxiety and depression. She said that perfection is our ultimate goal, but we need to be realistic. It's not going to happen in this life. So we need to be kind to ourselves. And most of all, we need to never lose faith in Heavenly Father. We are vessels in the hands of a divine potter. He is molding and sculpting us to be the best person that we can be. She also said that broken minds and hearts can be healed just like broken bodies. I love that and KNOW it to be true!! 💜💜

Sister Card said that when we are in the darkness, we are more likely to lose hope. Darkness does not mean there is not light, though. Often it means that we are in the wrong place to receive the light. We can choose to walk in Christ's life. With His light comes HOPE and HEALING. 💜

We do not need to be perfect. But we do need to be good at getting better. 💜

The light of the Gospel of Christ will cut through the darkness, confusion, and discouragement. 💜

Learn to love you, right where you are. 💜💜💜

Be grateful for the small victories. 💜

Sometimes it takes time to forgive yourself. He's already forgiven you; He is just waiting for you to catch up. 💜💜💜

Revelation from God brings (and is) PEACE. 💜

I do not know everything, but I know enough. I know that my Savior loves me. I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and I know that He wants me to return to live with Him someday. I know that, as I minister to those around me, and as I love and serve my friends and family, that I will be blessing those around me, and that I will be blessed for blessing them. I know that I am a daughter of God, and I know that I am loved by the most Divine Being. I know that He is always there for me, and I know that He has blessed me with so many beautiful friendships that can help me and others to know that we are never alone. I know that nothing is impossible with God if it is His will, and I know that together, He and I can do marvelous things. 💜

I hope you have a lovely week! And I hope you have a peaceful Sabbath day. 💜

Xoxo
Mattie

Daily scripture study changes lives.

Man, what a week!! We had our first group of scouts, and it was crazy! But we did it!! We had a lot of challenges, as is expected with teen boys, but we learned and grew as a staff. Next week will bring more challenges and lessons but it will be worth it!

I have really been blessed this week as I've studied my scriptures each night. I'm able to get more out of my experiences here at camp, and I am able to be more in tune with the Spirit, as well as be more determined and capable of working hard. This week I've been reading in First Nephi Chapters 1 and 2. There are a couple of things that stood out to me that I thought were profound and wanted to share. 

One thing I noticed was that in chapter one, Nephi makes a statement that he is first going to be making an abridgement of his father's record, and then he will make his record. How awesome is that? Nephi was doing family history before it was cool. I recently finished a book series by Richard Paul Evans, entitled The Walk. And there is a part in one of the books where the main character's father writes the history of his family at least three generations back. And I just thought, "how cool is that?" Family history is becoming a worldwide thing. And Nephi did it before it was cool. 

In chapter two, Nephi says that the Lord "did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father". Which means that Nephi, at one point, did not fully believe. However, unlike Laman and Lemuel, he did not harden his heart, so he was able to be converted, and believe his father's words.

I know that daily scripture study changes lives. I've seen the impact that it has on not only my life, but my friends' lives. I've seen the wonderful changes in them that it has had. I'm grateful to have so many wonderful examples of how important daily scripture study is. And I'm grateful to be blessed with so many amazing people to love and look up to. I know they love me, too, even when we're miles and miles apart.

I'm really grateful for the scriptures. I'm grateful for Joseph Smith's sacrifices to translate the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for Mormon, and his dedication to abridging the book and making sure everything we would need is in there. I'm grateful for the pieces of truth that they hold, and for the ones that I've learned this week as I've studied them. I'm grateful for the light that they bring to my life. I'm grateful for the beauty of Bear Lake, and for my wonderful co-workers. I'm blessed each and every day by their examples, humor, service, and love. It's been a hard week but we've gotten through it together, and we all build each other up as often as we can. It's been an amazing experience and I can't believe we're going to be on week three this week!!

I'm grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for the love that He shows me each and every day. I'm grateful for the beauty of the world around me, and for the chance I have this summer to be surrounded. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for His sacrifice and love. Since it's Father's Day, I can't forget my own dad. I love him so much! I'm grateful for all that he does for me. I'm grateful for all the father figures in my life—my uncles, grandpas, and the other men in my life that I look up to. You are all wonderful examples of what real men are supposed to be like. Thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to treat the women in his life. Thank you for being willing to serve. And thank you for being willing to be soft and emotional, even when the world tells you you need to be tough and stoic.

I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Don't forget to wear sunscreen and drink water!! And remember who you are, and whose you are. God loves you very much and has many blessings in store for you. Be patient and remember that everything will work out in the end. Love you!! 💜

Xoxo
Mattie