Striving.

I am so grateful for this past year! 2019 was a year to remember!

Long story short:

• I went through the temple for the first time.
• I graduated from Brigham Young University with my Bachelor of Science degree in Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development in June.
• I started my first official full-time job after graduation.
• I went to New York for almost two weeks in July.
• I met (mid-August), started dating (later-August), and got engaged (December) to my now fiancé!

It was a wild year but it was full of blessings!

2020 will be a blast! I will spend the first half of the year planning my WEDDING!!! And the second half of the year married to my sweetheart. I am so excited!!!

I learned so much in 2019! Here are 19 things I learned in 2019:

1. I learned that God is always near. I went through the temple for the first time and that opened my eyes to many more revelations than ever before. I have gone back almost every month, I think, and sometimes more than once a week! I hope to keep that tradition alive this year as well!
2. I learned that things happen for a reason, and sometimes we will never know why. Sometimes we might look and look and search and search for answers, but nothing will come of it. That is okay.
3. I learned that the future can be intimidating, but you just need to jump right in! The water might be startling at first, but you will quickly grow accustomed to the change and ready to move ahead.
4. I learned that you can do all the research you want, but nothing can prepare you for any mishaps you were unable to foresee when planning a trip to New York with your friend. So sometimes you will have to make an adventure out of said mishap.
5. I learned that your happiness is only yours to give and take away. No one can make you happy or sad. It is your choice and yours alone. 
6. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, and sometimes when you go after what you think you want, you come to realize it isn’t actually what you want. 
7. I learned that no one is perfect, but that the right people will love you for who you are anyway. 
8. I learned that the people you can always count on are the ones you can always be real with. 
9. I learned that the blessings of the temple and the blessings of the scriptures go hand in hand. 
10. I learned that it’s more important to be loved than to be right. 
11. I learned that if you put in the work, you can do it all with the help of the Lord. 
12. I learned that life isn’t really a timeline. There aren’t really milestones or anything. Nothing happens for everyone in the exact same way. 
13. I learned that I can get really upset over stupid things because of my anxiety and depression. But I also learned that because of my anxiety and depression, I can get over said stupid things. It might take me longer than I’d like, or than other people can comprehend, and sometimes I might still be upset, but on the whole, I can heal from it in time. 
14. I learned that God and I had two different plans for the year 2019, but ultimately, His was better. 
15. I learned that nothing could prepare me for realizing that who I am now is only a small part of who I really am. 
16. I learned that I can do more. I am capable of being more. 
17. I learned that faith in God is more important than anything–even when I struggle with having faith in Him. And that Jesus Christ is always there for me. Even when I can’t see or feel Him. 
18. I learned that Satan will try to stop you when you are going in the right direction and making the right decisions. It will seem impossible, but God will bless you and help you through it. 
19. I learned that God has blessed my life in the last decade with more than I ever thought possible. I am especially grateful for this last year, and for the next chapter in my life. 

I have a few major goals I want to focus on this year, and I am so pumped!

1. I am going to strive to read and study my scriptures every day–I recently got a Book of Mormon Come Follow Me journal to take notes in, so I would like to fill it up this year!

2. I am going to strive to attend the temple every other week. 

3. I am going to strive to choose to be happy.

This year, I wanted to make my goals SMART goals. SMART goals are:

The last couple of weeks, as I've read the scriptures, and as I have listened in Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting, I've noticed the mention of "striving" in the scriptures. And I have decided that I want "strive/striving" to be my word for 2020.

I want to strive to make the most of what I have been given this year. I want to strive to be the Mattie that I used to be a long time ago. She was always so happy and joyful. She's still in there somewhere. I want to pull her back out. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year and a wonderful week this week!

Xoxo

Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

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I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

"Do whatever you have to do this week with your whole heart and soul."

I can't believe that I have only been home from Bear Lake for a week! And I still have two weeks left before I go back to school! What a wild month this has been!

I've had a crazy week, as most everyone has probably had, what with school starting this week and whatnot. But I've been kind of lacking in my daily routines this week. I'm going to try harder this week to set a routine, and to get my body used to waking up earlier, and to get my spiritual fill each morning and evening.

I am actually really excited for school to start! Yesterday I submitted my application for GRADUATION!!!! I can't believe that this is my fourth year of college, and I'm almost done with my Bachelor's Degree!!! It just blows my mind that I have come this far!!!! I thought I would never finish college, and I thought I would never be able to get into a major that I love after I didn't get into the Music program, or the Early Childhood Education program. And yet, here I am, a year and a half after I didn't get into ECE, and I'm going to be graduating with a Bachelor's in Family Life, with an emphasis in Human Development!! I absolutely LOVE my major and I am so ecstatic to be able to head out into the world after I graduate! I don't know what I'll be doing after I graduate, but I do know that I still have time to figure it out.

God has blessed me with strength and determination this summer, and I'm excited to use it. I'm excited to make time for the things that are important to me, and I'm excited to make time for the things that I need in my life. I'm excited to better myself, and I'm excited to take the time that I need to focus on making my life better. I'm also really excited to just focus on my life. My friend shared this quote yesterday and I just fell in love with it because it really resonated with me! It's from Sister Marjorie P. Hinckley, President Gordon B. Hinckley's wife. They were the sweetest couple, and the most amazing examples of how to live your life.

We all have 'assignments' in life. Each period of our life is a different assignment. I love how she says to give your assignments 'your full heart and energy'. Take what life has given you, and jump at it! Anything of worth in this life requires effort. So use your energy, face your challenges head on, and do it with a smile on your face. :)

I'm really, really grateful for the experiences I had this summer. I'm really grateful for the fact that I'm excited for school, and I'm excited to implement changes in my life. I'm grateful for fresh starts and new adventures.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me, and wants what is best for me. I'm grateful for friends who care, and for angels in heaven and on earth.

I'm grateful for a Savior who died for me, and who is always there for me. I'm grateful that He always forgives me, and that He always gives me another chance.

May those of you who are dealing with kids going back to school have a non-stressful week, and may everyone have a wonderful week! Love ya! <3

Xoxo
Mattie

Graduation!!

Guys, it's official: I'm graduated from high school!!!!!!!! I graduated last night!!!! It was a very emotional time, and I'm going to be very emotional all summer long. I'm so grateful for everyone I met in high school; I learned something from everyone that I met. Though I don't know everyone in my graduating class, I know/know of quite a lot of them, and I love them all and wish them the best! It's been one heck of a ride, and I'm so glad that I was able to meet so many people who made an impact on me. I'm a better person for it. I'm excited to start this next chapter of my life, even if I'm a little scared to. I know God will help me and be there for me.

Gratitude for leaders and seminary graduation.

Today all of the Laurels went to Relief Society for third hour, and Kelsie and Savanah and I all received a gift from our Young Women leaders–and also one from the Relief Society–because we're graduating. In the notebook from our Young Women leaders, there were notes from a bunch of the leaders that we've had, and I'm so grateful for their words of love and encouragement. They said many things that I needed to hear. I'm so grateful to have been able to get to know these women!! I love them all so much and I'm so grateful that I have been able to learn from them. I have grown so much in this gospel and I know that a lot of it was because of all of my leaders. I'd love to thank them for everything!! <3 <3


P.S. That ^^ was from earlier today--about noonish. Now, I'm officially graduated from seminary!!! Yay!! One graduation down, and one to go! I received so many things today: the notebook with a necklace from my YW's leaders, the pack of notepads from the Relief Society, my seminary diploma, and I also got another necklace with my diploma. It's so cute! It says my name, 2015, and "Doubt not fear not" and has a little key, a little book, and a little stone. I'm so grateful for everyone that has helped me get me to where I am today. I would not be here if it wasn't for my leaders, for my seminary teachers, and for my school teachers. I have learned so much about this gospel and about the world. I know that this next step might be a little challenging, getting used to it, but I know that it will be worth it, and I know that I can do it with the help of my Heavenly Father.