Blessings unseen.

In Sunday School, we talked about Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac when God tells Abraham he needs to sacrifice his son, Isaac. We read in Genesis 22: 1-19:

1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

3 ¶ And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

4 Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7 And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

8 And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15 ¶ And the angel of the Lord called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,

16 And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

17 That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.  

We were able to discuss the similarities between Abraham and Heavenly Father, Isaac and Jesus Christ, and the symbolism of a father sacrificing his son in love and obedience. 

• Abraham and Sarah wanted and prayed for Isaac, and they loved him so much.
• Heavenly Father loved His Son so much.
• Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac.
• Heavenly Father knew we needed a Savior, and planned for His Son (and His Son also offered) to be the Savior who would be sacrificed for all of us, His children.
• Isaac helped carry the wood for the sacrifice.
• Jesus Christ carried His cross to the hill.
• The angel of the Lord tells Abraham, "thou hast not withheld thy son, thine ONLY son, from me" (capitalized by me). 
• Jesus is God's Only Begotten Son.
• Abraham told Isaac that, "God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering."
• Jesus is the Lamb of God. 

Something someone said their testimony during sacrament meeting today really caught my attention. He said Jesus suffered for and in behalf of us. That got me thinking about the temple, and doing temple work for the dead. When we do work for the dead, we do work “for and in behalf of” them. When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He, too, suffered and was crucified “for and in behalf of” each one of us. 

Jesus did the hardest thing for us so that we don't have to. We help those on the other side of the veil with their temple work because they didn't have the opportunity to. I'm grateful for the blessings that come from doing temple work and finding the "lost and forgotten" in our family tree(s). 

Sometimes it's hard to see the blessings in our lives, but I know that as we pray, read our scriptures, and serve our neighbors (those here and beyond the veil), even if we can't see the blessings, they're real, and you'll be able to see them eventually. I think that most of the blessings that we receive in life are unseen, so that gives me hope that there are so many blessings, I'm just unable to see them all. 

I hope you've had a beautiful Sabbath Day and that you have a wonderful week.

Xoxo

Mattie

We’re His children, too.

“Our experience at church is meant to provide vital connections with the Lord and with each other that are so needed for our spiritual and emotional well-being. Inherent in the covenants we make with God, beginning with baptism, is our responsibility to love and care for each other as members of the family of God, members of the body of Christ, and not just to check off a box on a list of things we’re expected to do.

Christlike love and care are higher and holier. The pure love of Christ is charity. As President Nelson taught, “Charity propels us ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ [⁠Mosiah 18:8⁠] rather than heap burdens upon each other.”

The Savior said, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” And President Nelson added: “Charity is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ.” “The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire. … How we speak to and about others … really matters.”” (Cheering Each Other On, Sister J. Anette Dennis, Oct. 2025)

We talked about Sister Dennis’ talk in Relief Society today, and this was one of my favorite sections from the talk. I love the emphasis she places on emulating charity like Jesus Christ, and loving and supporting the other members of our wards, neighborhoods, and communities.

One question that was posed during our discussion was, “How can we cheer ourselves on?” It’s very easy to cheer on our friends and neighbors, but self-love and self-cheering can be really difficult for many of us. We often feel like we don’t deserve His love, or that His charity is for others, and not ourselves. His charity is for us, too. We’re His children, too. 

One thing I’ve been doing recently with some friends is we talk about what we’ve accomplished that day. It’s helpful for me to talk about what I did get done, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to get done that day, or if it wasn’t as much as I wanted to get done.

As someone who lives with anxiety, depression, and PCOS, one major thing that I struggle with daily is energy, or a lack thereof. Some days I don’t have a ton of energy and I feel guilty for not getting a lot done. But I’m learning to be grateful and notice the things I do get done, and I’m grateful for the opportunity I have to learn more about self-love and care.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’m having more good days, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for amazing friends who help support and cheer me on with love and respect. 💜

I hope you have a wonderful Sabbath Day and a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

The light keeps shining through.

It has been quite a busy few months. I finished up my last semester at Ensign in December, so I was extremely busy working on my schoolwork for the months prior to that.

In addition to that, Ricky and I have had an emotionally difficult couple of months, and though I am not sure I want to be sharing everything in detail quite so soon, I do think it is an important topic of conversation and I want to prevent others from experiencing the long, drawn out experience we had.

Content Warning: Miscarriage, Pregnancy loss, Grief

To make a long story short ("Too late!" ~ Clue), we did an IVF transfer at the beginning of October and received a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. We went in for an ultrasound at the clinic on the 24th and the doctor was a little concerned because it was measuring a little bit behind. He said I might experience a miscarriage if I encounter any bleeding in the next two weeks before the follow-up ultrasound. I did experience a tiny bit of bleeding the week of the appointment, but it wasn't as much as I thought it should have been for a miscarriage, so I was hopeful.

When we went back on the 7th, we were told that the embryo wasn't growing and was no longer viable. We were devastated, and I was given the option to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage, or I could take medicine to help the process along. I wanted to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage. The doctor recommended waiting two weeks and scheduling another ultrasound to make sure everything was clearing up safely. 

So I scheduled another ultrasound with a place closer to us and after a week, I was concerned because a) I hadn't experienced any additional bleeding whatsoever, and b) in my mind, the embryo had stopped growing even before our first ultrasound, which means it had already been about two weeks, so I should have started bleeding.

I messaged the clinic and asked if I should keep waiting til the ultrasound, and they said I should, but I didn't feel right about that. I was able to get my next ultrasound appointment moved up and be seen earlier. 

I thought I would be able to get the medicine prescribed at that appointment, but the doctor was concerned because it appeared I had a blighted ovum and she was worried about me hemorrhaging. So she recommended an OBGYN and I was able to see them on Friday–the day I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound anyway. She was able to prescribe me the medicine, and I took it the next day (November 22), and everything happened so quickly after that, I was grateful I didn't have to carry around the stress and weight of waiting for it to clear up any more. 

If I could go back and do it over again, I would ask for the medication upfront. If I couldn't take the medication first, I would make sure that I scheduled an ultrasound with an OBGYN. I didn't realize that the ultrasound place I had contacted wasn't an actual OBGYN office, nor that they wouldn't have an OBGYN in the office. 

I tried to fight for my health because from the first ultrasound to when I passed everything was just shy of 30 days. That is TOO LONG for my body to have my empty gestational sac inside when there was no yolk sac or anything else to be seen in it. I felt like I couldn't move forward with grieving and accepting I wasn't pregnant anymore until I was sure that everything was gone. 

I wanted to share my experience because I had no idea what to expect from this experience, and going back and forth from the clinic, to the ultrasound place, to the OBGYN office, made it really difficult for anyone to know exactly what was going on in the first place, but it also made it really difficult for me to be able to get any real answers. Next time, I will take the medication and go ahead and be seen by the OBGYN right from the start. 

So for anyone who experiences a miscarriage in the future (myself included), I want you to know several things:

1. I am here for you, always.

2. You can take the medication–it's okay.

3. Make sure that, if you need to schedule an ultrasound, you schedule it with an OBGYN office.

4. It's okay to take a day–or two, or three. However long you need. 

5. It wasn't your fault.

6. YOU ARE LOVED. 💜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On December 30, 2025, I posted this to my Facebook page, but I also wanted to share it here:

One of my favorite movies about grief and loss that I think is a great depiction of grief and loss is The Starling, which can be found on Netflix. It stars Melissa McCarthy and has comedic elements but isn’t a comedy. 

My favorite quote from the movie reflects exactly how I’ve been feeling: “‘Cause everybody’s rolling along, living their lives like nothing happened, you know? And I’m saying, “Stop.” ‘Cause I wanna get off for a little bit.” 

My miscarriages were early, and we didn’t get a chance to know our babies, but our loss is still real, and I loved the way this movie shows the ups and downs of grief. 

Moments of productivity and determination. Moments of pain and despair. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps backwards. Trying to find connections. Trying to keep moving forward with the world when all I want to do is sit and cry and stay in the moments when I didn’t know it was over. The moments when I could plan for our baby’s future. 

I have more to say but am still thinking about how I want to say it. I just wanted to be honest about how HARD the last two months have been for me and how I’ve been in a fog but I’m starting to see some light. The fog keeps coming back but so does the light. I’m trying and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and loving. I don’t really want to end (or start) the year sad, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m doing a lot better than I was, but I’m still healing. Thank you for being so kind.  #grief #loss #love

This past holiday season was more difficult than I anticipated. At first, the season was perfect. We read about the different names of Jesus each day of the month, watched fun Christmas movies, and shopped for each other. Christmas Day was lovely–we spent the morning opening presents from each other and then we went to spend the rest of the day at my parents'.

When we got home, Ricky went out walking, and I stayed home and crocheted and watched more Christmas movies–I was having such a great time. 

But at some point...I just got so sad and mad. I was looking forward to announcing our pregnancy. I had such a cute idea planned. I was also upset because I should have had a toddler, too. It would have been their first "real" Christmas. I watched my nephews have such a fun day and my heart ached because my baby should have been there, too. I should have been watching MY baby play with their cousins. 

So, to help me heal and finally make something FOR my babies, I decided I wanted to make them stockings that we can hang every year to remember them. So I made one stocking at the end of the year and started the second, which I finished this weekend. I want to put their names on them, but was having trouble figuring that out the way I originally wanted to do the names, so I have to do some more thinking about that first, but their stockings are done. 💜

Stockings I made for our babies.
Pattern: Bead Stitch Christmas Stocking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are two poems I wrote today–one takes pieces from my Facebook post, and the other is kind of a chiasmus poem that I'm really proud of. 💜

Moments

Life is full of moments–

moments of pleasure and delight,

moments of productivity and determination,

moments of pain and despair. 

Every day is different. 

Every moment is different. 

Every day that passes

shapes us into who

and what we are meant to become.

But some days feel like

one step forward, 

three steps backward. 

Trying to find connection.

Trying to move forward with the world

when all I want

is to sit and cry–

to stay suspended in the moments

before everything changed.

The moments when I didn't know

it was over.

The moments when the future felt certain,

when I could plan your life

before I ever held you.

Those moments still live in me–

tender, unforgotten,

etched into my heart

through grief.

These moments have passed–

as moments always will–

but live forever in my heart,

never far gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning Moments

We wanted you

from the moment

you implanted,

before we discovered

you were lost. 

Every moment after

that positive test,

we wanted you.

You were not

long in this world,

but you live on

in loud hopes,

dashed dreams,

aching memories,

and yearning moments.

We never heard

your little heartbeat,

and we never saw

your little form,

but we still loved you.

Grief captured us

the way you

were supposed to–

quickly and loudly,

panicked and unexpected–

but it stayed 

longer than you. 

We wanted you

every moment after

that positive test.

You were lost

before we discovered

you implanted–

from the moment

we wanted you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My plans and wishes for this year involve family history, temple work, and scripture study. I want to understand my covenants with God more, and I love that we are studying the Old Testament this year because the Old Testament is all about the covenants God makes with His children.

My word this year is "STRIVE/STRIVING". I'm striving to trust God, even when I fall short. I keep trying, even though it's been difficult. I'm striving to see the light, though the fog keeps rolling in. But I'm grateful that the light keeps shining through. 

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and that you have a wonderful year with your families.

I know that God is real, and that He loves us. Even when we feel lost and alone, He is always with us. I love you, too, and am so thankful for your presence in my life. I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

Exceedingly great joy.

I needed to share this thought that I had while I was studying for my Teachings and Doctrines of the Book of Mormon class this semester. 

We have two lessons each week, and this week's first lesson is all about Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life. There was a section where we were asked to ponder about the words that Lehi used to describe the tree and its fruit, and answer how these words teach me about God's love as shown through the gift of His Son Jesus Christ. I will now share the thoughts that I had:

Lehi's words:

* "I did go forth and partake of the fruit; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white..."

* "It filled my soul with exceedingly great joy."

    "Most sweet", "white", "exceedingly great joy". All of these terms give me the idea of the purest, sweetest, joyous things. The gospel, for one, but also what crossed my mind is newborn babies. They are so sweet, pure ("white"), and bring the greatest joy to all who see them. And how did God give us the gift of His Son? Through a sweet, pure, precious newborn babe, who brought exceedingly great joy to all.

I just wanted to share my sweet thought and new connection between the Tree of Life and Jesus Christ. Have a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

A Piece of Hope.

I wrote this on April 23, 2023. I never shared this poem because I wanted to do a few things with it, but I needed the comfort it offered, and I thought that I would share it for others who might also need the comfort and peace it brings.

Moments.

Despite the challenges we have been facing as we try to start our family, we continue to experience moments of hope, along with moments of heartache. Some news we received this past week was not what we had hoped it would be. As a result, I have had an emotionally and spiritually draining week as I tried to deal with my emotions, connect with Heavenly Father, and figure out what is next for not only me, but our little family. My thoughts have kept turning to a few things Ricky and I are discussing for the future, and I am just so grateful for his love and support during this difficult trial.

Establish a house of grace.

May was an absolutely beautiful and fun month! We had so much fun celebrating our 5th anniversary and visiting the Church sites in New York. I loved being able to learn about Joseph Smith's family life before, during, and after his experiences with translating The Book of Mormon. It was really humbling to see the small home that his family of 11 lived in, as well as to see the gravestone of his elder brother, Alvin. It is assumed that he suffered and died from appendicitis, and I am ever so grateful for modern medicine. We also had an amazing time visiting Ricky's parents and the beach! Florida was very warm and I loved being able to relax by the pool!

Now it’s June. Back to work for Ricky. Back to prepping for school for me. Originally, I intended to take a couple of courses this summer after our vacation. However, due to a misreading on my part, the scholarship I thought would cover the cost of my courses wouldn't cover them unless I was taking more credits, which wasn't possible. Due to this, my last semester will be the upcoming fall semester (only three classes plus my internship) and I’m so excited to be finishing up! Since I will no longer be taking classes in the summer, I will be able to focus on finding an internship (hopefully one that pays)--and possibly one that will lead to a job post-internship and school! I’m also trying to finish reorganizing and decluttering our house before I go back to school so that there’s less stress for us when we are doing our homework together!

The beauty of this small mistake will give me time for things I have been stressed about, including time for rest. I know, I know--I just had a vacation. However, due to the numerous things around the house that I would like to finish, I will need time to rest in between decluttering and reorganizing sessions. We want our house to be a home where we can feel the Spirit, and I know that there are several changes to be made to help us increase the feeling of the Spirit. I am looking forward to being able to do the work to help increase the Spirit in our home.

In a talk given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin in April 1993 entitled Spiritually Strong Homes and Families, Elder Wirthlin talks about how homes can provide security, as long as we create and build our homes to be secure and safe places for ourselves and our children.

"The place to cure most of the ills of society is in the homes of the people. Building our homes as fortresses of righteousness for protection from the world takes constant labor and diligence."

Just like building our testimonies on the rock that is our Redeemer and Savior, Jesus Christ, we need to remember to ensure the safety of our homes by building upon the correct principles of the Gospel, and ensuring that not only ourselves but our children know that, just like the way the temples are the house of God, our homes can be a place where God can reside, as long as we remember the way to build up our spiritual strength.

"The Lord’s standards for building a temple apply also to building spiritual strength in our homes: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” (D&C 88:119). Do we heed this counsel from the Lord? Do we do what He asks? We would do well to build our homes according to this plan or they are destined to fail."

I really love this scripture--I have for years since my family memorized it together as part of a family home evening one year. I hope that I can learn how to apply it better in my life this summer as I try to help create and establish our home.

Families do better when there is a set way to do things. When there is a place for everything to go. When there is a schedule for the day. I know that when I don't necessarily have anything on my calendar, I can sleep in too late, and the rest of my day feels less productive, even if I get a lot done. My goal for the summer is to figure out a schedule for me that helps me be productive, but also FEEL productive. Sometimes I am productive during the day, but at the end of the day, I feel like I got nothing done. I want to change that and create a better atmosphere where I can feel productive after working around the house.

I love Elder Wirthlin's promise at the end of his talk. He says, "My brothers and sisters, if you will make your home a house of prayer and fasting, faith, learning and glory, and order, it can become a house of God. If you build your homes on the foundation rock of our Redeemer and the gospel, they can be sanctuaries where your families can be sheltered from the raging storms of life."

I hope you have had a beautiful Sabbath Day and that this week is one full of adventure, love, and especially full of GRACE. Because I know I will fall short this week and will need His grace. I hope and pray that, as I try and follow the Lord's advice of establishing a house of prayer, fasting, faith, learning, glory, order, and of God this summer, that we will be able to see and feel a tangible change within not only our home, but our lives. And I hope that I can remember to also establish a house of GRACE.

Xoxo

Mattie