Path to personal peace.

In the April 2023 General Conference, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk entitled "Finding Personal Peace". We discussed this talk in Relief Society today. It was so enlightening to discuss and hear others' thoughts on President Eyring's talk.

President Eyring starts his talk by recounting the Savior's words about peace, and how He gives us peace, from the book of John in chapter 14:15-27. Here is the passage that he shares:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments.

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

“Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

“At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

“Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

“Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

“He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

“These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

President Eyring then goes on to discuss how he found five truths from this passage of the Savior's teachings. As we read and discussed the five truths that President Eyring found, I kept going back to my April 2023. During that time (March/April), I was having a difficult time. I kept thinking about Jesse, and how, if I hadn't experienced my miscarriage, I would have been having my baby around that time. It was an especially hard time because a few people close to me had announced pregnancies and it was emotionally challenging for me to watch them experience something I wasn't able to (because I lost my baby) during the time when I would have been getting ready to give birth.

For months previously, I had been asking Heavenly Father for peace, and felt and heard nothing at the time. I was frustrated, sad, heartbroken, lonely, and trying desperately to not ruin the pregnancies of the ones close to me. Fast forward to General Conference. One of the questions I was wanting to focus on getting an answer for during conference was  peace and comfort, and to finally start healing. I was tired of walking around on eggshells because every little thing would make me cry. 

As the first session of conference occurred, I was feeling good, because I had heard so many little things that I loved. But when President Eyring (the final speaker of the session) stood up and began to speak, I felt overwhelmed with the Spirit and knew I needed to listen. As I listened to President Eyring, I was watching and listening, glued to the screen, taking in this dear Apostle of the Lord's words. When he said, "Some of you, perhaps many, are not feeling the peace the Lord promised. You may have prayed for personal peace and spiritual comfort. Yet you may feel that the heavens are silent to your pleading for peace", I knew this talk was for me. I felt in my heart, "This is for you. You are not alone. I am with you."

As Relief Society closed today, I shared this special story. I got a little emotional during my comment, but it was healing to share my experience around this talk that was special to me for several reasons: 1) because it was an answer to my prayer, and 2) because when you share experiences, you remember more details, and you can find new insights.

My path to personal peace is not what I expected it to be, but it is exactly what I need it to be. I'm grateful for the healing that I have experienced in this past year. I know there is more to do, but I am grateful for how far I have come.

I hope this week is a good one for you! I have a few fun things planned for this week and I am looking forward to getting a lot of work done as well!

God loves you and I do too!

Xoxo Mattie

The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.

It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

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God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie