beauty is.

what is beauty?

I've heard it said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. while I believe this is true to an extent, I also believe that beauty can be found in everyone and everything.

"beauty is found in the quiet of a brisk winter night.
beauty is found in the flower-scented wind in spring.
beauty is found in the tenderness of children.
beauty is found in the wildness of children.
beauty is found in the love for a pet.
beauty is found in the love for art.
beauty is found in the way that someone tries to make a difference.
beauty is found in the way that someone decides to express emotion.
beauty is found in the way that someone's head tilts back when they laugh.
beauty is found in the way that someone looks at someone they love.
beauty is found in the way that someone finds their passion in life.
beauty is found in the way that someone finally understands who they are.
beauty is found in the way that we look at the world through God's eyes."
~"beauty is found" by Mattie Radke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you know, no one is perfect. yep, even people you believe are perfect are, in fact, not so.

actually, there is one thing that people can be perfect at (however, just because they can be doesn't mean that they will be).

that thing that people can be perfect at? trying.

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I try so. hard. to be good at something, or to do something right, or to focus on something. sometimes it doesn't work at all. but if I really tried, I can't honestly be mad at myself, can I? I did my best. that's all that anyone can ask, right? right.

except, sometimes–I don't know about you, but sometimes I beat myself up about stupid stuff. does that happen to anyone else? yeah? okay, good. well, you're not alone, and I'm not alone, and we don't have to beat ourselves up about stupid stuff.

in fact, we shouldn't beat ourselves up about stupid stuff. we should learn from our mistakes and just try again. I know that's easier said than done, and sometimes life is hard. I'm not going to lie to you. sometimes it is really, really difficult. and oftentimes what is difficult for someone else isn't as difficult for me, or vice versa. but that doesn't mean that it's not difficult for you.

our world is so wrapped up in a lot of things...which, I am not going to discuss at the present time...however! one thing that troubles me is the fact that no one can feel like their experiences are hard. or, even worse–no one wants to feel like their experiences are difficult.

a common phrase I've not only heard people say to others (or even to themselves), but I myself have also said before (I am trying to work on not saying it), is, "other people have it worse." or other variations of that phrase. how sad is that????? that we can't even feel our own experiences because "someone else has it worse" than we do? that is something that I think is absolutely NOT okay!!!

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS. WITHOUT QUESTION.

there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for someone to tell you that "you should be thankful that you don't have it worse." NONE. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE REAL, AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.

I'm sorry to shout, but I have strong feelings about this. no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but we also all have feelings, and each and every one of our feelings deserves to be heard, felt, expressed, and understood. just because you live a different life than someone else does not mean that your emotions don't matter. I will say that there are some times where the emotions are a little over-the-top, but even then, they deserve to at least be felt or expressed in some way.

one thing that I think is so amazing is that Jesus Christ knows exactly how we fell in all the situations that we find ourselves in.

He knows exactly how it felt to find out that your dad had cancer.
He knows exactly how it felt the first time someone broke your heart. and the second time, and the third time.
He knows exactly how it felt the first time you fell in love. or the first time you saw the stars from the countryside.
He knows exactly how it felt when you first touched a violin, and heard its sweet notes sing as you pulled the bow across the strings (actually, that experience wouldn't be that exact time...more like the first time you competently pulled the bow across the strings).
He knows exactly how you feel each time you see other people moving along in their lives in ways that you want to, but just haven't encountered yet.
He knows exactly how hard it is to watch your closest friend fall away from the church.
He knows exactly how hard it is to watch your loved ones in pain–even for a moment.
He knows exactly how it felt to realize that you were the last person to see someone before they died, and you didn't know it then.
He knows exactly how a new mom feels when she's tired, sore, exhausted, and her baby is struggling to sleep, or eat, or breathe.

He knows how all of these things feel, and more.

and each time you experience something, your feelings are valid. it is valid to feel vulnerable, lost, and sad. it is valid to feel excited, blessed, and loved. it is valid to feel sad, unmotivated, and distraught. I just want you to know that no matter what you are going through, it is okay to feel whatever you feel. sometimes you will be feeling sad or mad and that is okay. sometimes you will feel disappointed and upset and that is okay. as long as you don't let your feelings control you, it is okay to experience any type of emotion. no one should have to shut their feelings off because someone says they shouldn't feel bad, or be controlled by their feelings because they don't have any experience with them.

can I tell you something important? God loves you with every fiber of His being, and you are beautiful to Him. in all your imperfections, He loves you with a love that cannot end. in all of your emotions, He understands you in ways that no one else can. He wants you to remember that you are still learning. you are human, and you will make mistakes. but He still loves you. He wants you to keep trying, keep learning. He wants you to keep loving Him, and to keep serving Him, and to keep blessing those around you.

I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. I hope that you guys have a wonderful week, and that you remember whose you are.

xoxo
Mattie 

In my brokenness, I am His.

It's been a pretty odd week. No, wait, that's not what I meant. I meant "off". It's been a pretty off week. Well, I guess technically it's been both. Let me explain. (But first let me say that this is a vulnerable post that might seem scary to you, but really, I'm okay. :) )

Sometimes life seems like it's going pretty well but you just can't. feel. anything. Or you just feel so. dang. empty. And you can't really understand why. Everything seems to be fine. Classes are going well. Work is going well. But you just can't find the energy to do anything, or you just don't want to be productive.

Or you're sitting in a room full of people and you're not really part of any one conversation because you don't really have any desire to be, and you just pipe in to everyone else's conversations randomly when you hear something that interests you, but nobody seems to notice.

Or you just sit there, not saying anything, listening to everyone talk, and you're just there, and nobody seems to notice.

Or you're in the back room for awhile and when you come back out, you hear, "Oh, you're still here! I thought you'd left." And you know that you should be amused, or hurt, but you just feel empty. And yet, somehow you're all of the above.

This–all of what I have just explained–is my depression. But this is just a part of it. Some weeks it hits me really, really hard. Some weeks, my depression and anxiety are both extremely prevalent, and it's a really bad week. Sometimes, the week is fairly okay, but there is just one day that my depression hits, and I just can't do anything. I can't feel anything. I just exist. The scary part is that sometimes, I don't want to exist. I often wonder what life would be like if I hadn't existed. If I just *poof* vanished from the world, and from everyone's minds and lives.

In these moments–in all of the moments like this–it's hard to rise above it. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of water, and I've been struggling for so long–my arms and legs are so exhausted, and I just don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to relax, but I'm still in the pool. When I'm not struggling to stay afloat, I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Nobody's around to see me drown. It feels like nobody cares. And I go back to wondering what life would be like if I didn't exist anymore...

But suddenly there's this shadow above me in the water. There's a hand reaching down to me, down through the water. I grab the hand greedily, as if I'm thirsty and this hand is a glass of water, and steadily I'm pulled upward. I gasp as I break the surface and take deep breaths. I'm pulled over the edge of the water to the ground, and I look to my rescuer. And I start to cry because I know that face. He's kneeling down next to me, wiping away my tears, and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". For my rescuer is my Savior. I keep repeating, "I'm sorry" while I'm crying, and He just holds me. I don't know why He picks particular moments to lift me up, but I do know that He is always close by, and that He will never let me drown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In moments of vulnerability, and brokenness, it's hard to see how anyone could love me, or want to save me. I don't often feel like I'm worth it. I'm just a regular, average girl. But in my moments of vulnerability and brokenness I forget the most important thing: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. He loves me so much. I love this video because it shows that we are ALL children of God.

There is beauty in my vulnerability and brokenness. When I am broken and vulnerable enough to turn to God, I am allowing Him into the deepest parts of me, and I am letting Him see all of me, and I am letting Him in so that He can heal me.

"I am a broken soul, this is true.
But in my brokenness, I am freed.
In my brokenness, I am healed.
In my brokenness, I am found.
In my brokenness, I am His."
~In My Brokenness, by Mattie Radke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you all have a very wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! I'm grateful for the holiday seasons that are approaching! It's a wonderful time to remember to look outwards, and to help those in need.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life. My ward is AMAZING, and I am so thankful for all of the kindness that I have felt in the ward, and all of the love.

I am grateful for the ward that I was in the last two years. I grew so much there, and I really felt the love of my Father in Heaven there. I really felt like I had a place, like I belonged.

I am so grateful for all of the women in my life who have shown me how to love, and serve, and how to rise above the challenges that I will inevitably face.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family, and that I know I can always count on them.

I am grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven, and for His support. I am grateful that He sent His Son to save us. I am grateful that my Savior is always there for me, and that He is always waiting to lend a hand when I need it.

Xoxo
Mattie

Blessings come, even in the midst of awful accidents.

Wow! What a week it has been!! A lot has happened. 

My throat has been so sore this week I was unable to eat or drink anything. By Thursday/Friday, my throat was finally feeling better enough to be able to actually eat and drink, and now it is almost 100% back to normal. Yay for food!

Yesterday, I was driving my sister home, and we got into a car accident. Everyone is fine–no one was hurt. But my car did have to be towed. I hope he'll be all right. I am so thankful for so many things about this accident:

1. No one got hurt. That is an amazing blessing, considering the nature of the accident.
2. I was able to drive my car off the road. I think my radiator got hit and some antifreeze spilled onto it, so it was smoking really bad and looked awful, so I wasn't sure I'd be able to get it off the road but I did.
3. I'm grateful that there was a police officer so close by! They came so fast and were so kind and helpful. 
4. I'm grateful that my sister and I were both able to get rides home safely. Thank you to my Relief Society president for coming to get me! She is the absolute SWEETEST human being on the planet and I love her so much!!
5. I'm so grateful that it wasn't worse. This could have been much, much worse.

It has been an emotional time, I am not going to lie. It was my first accident as a driver, and it was my fault, and I am trying not to be so upset with myself, but it's hard. Every time I close my eyes, I relive the accident again and again–wondering how the accident could have been avoided if I'd maybe only just waited a little longer, wondering if it would have been worse if I had gone earlier, or waited just a  little longer–it's difficult to avoid that sort of thinking, you know? Sometimes our minds just have....well, a mind of their own. Lol. 

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for all of the blessings about this accident. I know that it could have been so. much. worse. but I am grateful that it wasn't. I am grateful that He was watching out for me, and the driver and passenger of the other car. I am so, so, so, so sad that this happened, and that I was at fault, but I am so, so grateful that it wasn't as bad as it could have been (there were only two cars involved in the accident, for starters). 

Sometimes we just need to take a step back, and remember what's most important. Yes, I am upset that my car is going to need a lot of work. Yes, I am upset that I even got into this accident. Yes, I am upset that it was my fault. But I am grateful that none of the people in the accident are going to need any work. I am grateful that it was just two cars involved in the accident. I am not happy that I was at fault, and I don't think I can ever be happy or grateful for that. But I am grateful that I know I was not distracted by anything in my car. I am grateful that my eyes were on the road, and that my focus was on the road. I just made a mistake in judgement, and it cost me a little. 

I am still sad that this accident happened, and I don't know how long it is going to take me to not be haunted by visions of it replaying in my head, but I am so, so, thankful to my Father in Heaven for all of His blessings surrounding this accident. 

Accidents happen. That's the truth. All we can do is move forward one moment at a time. 

I hope everyone has a restful Sabbath Day, and I hope you all remember to drive safely!! Please. Not all car accidents are this lucky. 

Xoxo

Mattie

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

One of my favorite quotes from President Gordon B. Hinckley is: “In all of living, have much joy and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” I was thinking…how can we enjoy life, and not just endure it? Especially in this day and age, where all around us, things seem to be constantly going wrong, or there just seems to be so much to do that you can't enjoy your life? I don’t entirely have an answer…but I do have a solution (which, yes, I believe that those are two different things).

Take things one day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time. Most of our life is just memories. There are but a few seconds/milliseconds of time where we are in the present. Most of our life is just memories. Enjoy your life where you are. Make plans that you look forward to. Make the most of your life. It's the only one you have. Sometimes you will have rough patches, but you just need to push on through. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and things will get better in time.

Honestly, this week has been pretty difficult for me. I had a dentist appointment on Monday, in which they sterilized my gums and prepped my tooth for a permanent crown. In the mean time, they gave me a temporary crown. By Wednesday, I was like, "This pain is far more than just my gums" so I went back in on Thursday, and they fixed my temporary crown, which had had a crack in it, which was the source of the pain because I think it kept catching on my cheek. After that, I was feeling better but my gums were still sore. Friday was a pretty good day, but by the end of the day, I was having a hard time eating anything because my mouth was just super sore, and my throat was starting to hurt. Yesterday I woke up in the most extreme pain–swallowing hurt and I couldn't eat anything. I was so hungry. I took some medicine around noon and ended up taking about an hour and a half nap, which honestly helped so much. I went to stake conference even though I still wasn't feeling super great, and by the end of stake conference I was basically dead. I don't remember hardly anything that was said and I don't remember any of the notes that I took. I was in so much pain and I could hardly even stand afterwards–I was so terrified that I would faint. 

After conference, I was able to receive a blessing. I am so thankful for that blessing!! It was the sweetest and most comforting blessing. Alex gave me 'homework'; she wanted me to stay on my bed or the couch for the rest of the night, and then she brought me some homemade ice cream. I was able to get to sleep easily (something that Kyle blessed me with in my blessing) and when I woke up this morning, all that hurt was my throat again. I'm back to just having a hard time swallowing and chewing. Which isn't the greatest, especially because I am just so hungry, but I am grateful that I can stand, and walk, and be awake. 

I am grateful that I can turn to the men in my ward for blessings any time, and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what I need to hear. I am grateful that my Savior understands my pain, and I am grateful that He can help me through it. 

Amidst this terrible week (in which I felt like I was just enduring it the whole time), however, there were moments of beauty and enjoyment. I was able to see Josh Groban and Idina Menzel in concert on Monday, and that was absolutely FANTASTIC!!! I loved it and was so happy the whole time!! I was able to go to institute on Tuesday and I learned so much and am excited for the rest of the semester. Halloween was exciting; I love seeing all the different costumes that people come up with. Thursday I was able to spend a little time with my mom and I'm grateful for that. I had a little dinner party with some friends Friday night that was fun; I had a great time. Each little moment of beauty this week was a blessing and snapshot of the love that my Father in Heaven has for me. 

I hope you all have a blessed Sabbath Day and a wonderful week! God is here for you, and I am here for you, too. There's always a moment of beauty to be enjoyed despite any troubling times you have in your life. You just have to find it. 

Xoxo

Mattie