Blessings unseen.

In Sunday School, we talked about Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac when God tells Abraham he needs to sacrifice his son, Isaac. We read in Genesis 22: 1-19:

1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

3 ¶ And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

4 Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7 And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

8 And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15 ¶ And the angel of the Lord called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,

16 And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

17 That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.  

We were able to discuss the similarities between Abraham and Heavenly Father, Isaac and Jesus Christ, and the symbolism of a father sacrificing his son in love and obedience. 

• Abraham and Sarah wanted and prayed for Isaac, and they loved him so much.
• Heavenly Father loved His Son so much.
• Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac.
• Heavenly Father knew we needed a Savior, and planned for His Son (and His Son also offered) to be the Savior who would be sacrificed for all of us, His children.
• Isaac helped carry the wood for the sacrifice.
• Jesus Christ carried His cross to the hill.
• The angel of the Lord tells Abraham, "thou hast not withheld thy son, thine ONLY son, from me" (capitalized by me). 
• Jesus is God's Only Begotten Son.
• Abraham told Isaac that, "God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering."
• Jesus is the Lamb of God. 

Something someone said their testimony during sacrament meeting today really caught my attention. He said Jesus suffered for and in behalf of us. That got me thinking about the temple, and doing temple work for the dead. When we do work for the dead, we do work “for and in behalf of” them. When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He, too, suffered and was crucified “for and in behalf of” each one of us. 

Jesus did the hardest thing for us so that we don't have to. We help those on the other side of the veil with their temple work because they didn't have the opportunity to. I'm grateful for the blessings that come from doing temple work and finding the "lost and forgotten" in our family tree(s). 

Sometimes it's hard to see the blessings in our lives, but I know that as we pray, read our scriptures, and serve our neighbors (those here and beyond the veil), even if we can't see the blessings, they're real, and you'll be able to see them eventually. I think that most of the blessings that we receive in life are unseen, so that gives me hope that there are so many blessings, I'm just unable to see them all. 

I hope you've had a beautiful Sabbath Day and that you have a wonderful week.

Xoxo

Mattie

We’re His children, too.

“Our experience at church is meant to provide vital connections with the Lord and with each other that are so needed for our spiritual and emotional well-being. Inherent in the covenants we make with God, beginning with baptism, is our responsibility to love and care for each other as members of the family of God, members of the body of Christ, and not just to check off a box on a list of things we’re expected to do.

Christlike love and care are higher and holier. The pure love of Christ is charity. As President Nelson taught, “Charity propels us ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ [⁠Mosiah 18:8⁠] rather than heap burdens upon each other.”

The Savior said, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” And President Nelson added: “Charity is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ.” “The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire. … How we speak to and about others … really matters.”” (Cheering Each Other On, Sister J. Anette Dennis, Oct. 2025)

We talked about Sister Dennis’ talk in Relief Society today, and this was one of my favorite sections from the talk. I love the emphasis she places on emulating charity like Jesus Christ, and loving and supporting the other members of our wards, neighborhoods, and communities.

One question that was posed during our discussion was, “How can we cheer ourselves on?” It’s very easy to cheer on our friends and neighbors, but self-love and self-cheering can be really difficult for many of us. We often feel like we don’t deserve His love, or that His charity is for others, and not ourselves. His charity is for us, too. We’re His children, too. 

One thing I’ve been doing recently with some friends is we talk about what we’ve accomplished that day. It’s helpful for me to talk about what I did get done, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to get done that day, or if it wasn’t as much as I wanted to get done.

As someone who lives with anxiety, depression, and PCOS, one major thing that I struggle with daily is energy, or a lack thereof. Some days I don’t have a ton of energy and I feel guilty for not getting a lot done. But I’m learning to be grateful and notice the things I do get done, and I’m grateful for the opportunity I have to learn more about self-love and care.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’m having more good days, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for amazing friends who help support and cheer me on with love and respect. 💜

I hope you have a wonderful Sabbath Day and a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

The light keeps shining through.

It has been quite a busy few months. I finished up my last semester at Ensign in December, so I was extremely busy working on my schoolwork for the months prior to that.

In addition to that, Ricky and I have had an emotionally difficult couple of months, and though I am not sure I want to be sharing everything in detail quite so soon, I do think it is an important topic of conversation and I want to prevent others from experiencing the long, drawn out experience we had.

Content Warning: Miscarriage, Pregnancy loss, Grief

To make a long story short ("Too late!" ~ Clue), we did an IVF transfer at the beginning of October and received a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. We went in for an ultrasound at the clinic on the 24th and the doctor was a little concerned because it was measuring a little bit behind. He said I might experience a miscarriage if I encounter any bleeding in the next two weeks before the follow-up ultrasound. I did experience a tiny bit of bleeding the week of the appointment, but it wasn't as much as I thought it should have been for a miscarriage, so I was hopeful.

When we went back on the 7th, we were told that the embryo wasn't growing and was no longer viable. We were devastated, and I was given the option to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage, or I could take medicine to help the process along. I wanted to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage. The doctor recommended waiting two weeks and scheduling another ultrasound to make sure everything was clearing up safely. 

So I scheduled another ultrasound with a place closer to us and after a week, I was concerned because a) I hadn't experienced any additional bleeding whatsoever, and b) in my mind, the embryo had stopped growing even before our first ultrasound, which means it had already been about two weeks, so I should have started bleeding.

I messaged the clinic and asked if I should keep waiting til the ultrasound, and they said I should, but I didn't feel right about that. I was able to get my next ultrasound appointment moved up and be seen earlier. 

I thought I would be able to get the medicine prescribed at that appointment, but the doctor was concerned because it appeared I had a blighted ovum and she was worried about me hemorrhaging. So she recommended an OBGYN and I was able to see them on Friday–the day I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound anyway. She was able to prescribe me the medicine, and I took it the next day (November 22), and everything happened so quickly after that, I was grateful I didn't have to carry around the stress and weight of waiting for it to clear up any more. 

If I could go back and do it over again, I would ask for the medication upfront. If I couldn't take the medication first, I would make sure that I scheduled an ultrasound with an OBGYN. I didn't realize that the ultrasound place I had contacted wasn't an actual OBGYN office, nor that they wouldn't have an OBGYN in the office. 

I tried to fight for my health because from the first ultrasound to when I passed everything was just shy of 30 days. That is TOO LONG for my body to have my empty gestational sac inside when there was no yolk sac or anything else to be seen in it. I felt like I couldn't move forward with grieving and accepting I wasn't pregnant anymore until I was sure that everything was gone. 

I wanted to share my experience because I had no idea what to expect from this experience, and going back and forth from the clinic, to the ultrasound place, to the OBGYN office, made it really difficult for anyone to know exactly what was going on in the first place, but it also made it really difficult for me to be able to get any real answers. Next time, I will take the medication and go ahead and be seen by the OBGYN right from the start. 

So for anyone who experiences a miscarriage in the future (myself included), I want you to know several things:

1. I am here for you, always.

2. You can take the medication–it's okay.

3. Make sure that, if you need to schedule an ultrasound, you schedule it with an OBGYN office.

4. It's okay to take a day–or two, or three. However long you need. 

5. It wasn't your fault.

6. YOU ARE LOVED. 💜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On December 30, 2025, I posted this to my Facebook page, but I also wanted to share it here:

One of my favorite movies about grief and loss that I think is a great depiction of grief and loss is The Starling, which can be found on Netflix. It stars Melissa McCarthy and has comedic elements but isn’t a comedy. 

My favorite quote from the movie reflects exactly how I’ve been feeling: “‘Cause everybody’s rolling along, living their lives like nothing happened, you know? And I’m saying, “Stop.” ‘Cause I wanna get off for a little bit.” 

My miscarriages were early, and we didn’t get a chance to know our babies, but our loss is still real, and I loved the way this movie shows the ups and downs of grief. 

Moments of productivity and determination. Moments of pain and despair. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps backwards. Trying to find connections. Trying to keep moving forward with the world when all I want to do is sit and cry and stay in the moments when I didn’t know it was over. The moments when I could plan for our baby’s future. 

I have more to say but am still thinking about how I want to say it. I just wanted to be honest about how HARD the last two months have been for me and how I’ve been in a fog but I’m starting to see some light. The fog keeps coming back but so does the light. I’m trying and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and loving. I don’t really want to end (or start) the year sad, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m doing a lot better than I was, but I’m still healing. Thank you for being so kind.  #grief #loss #love

This past holiday season was more difficult than I anticipated. At first, the season was perfect. We read about the different names of Jesus each day of the month, watched fun Christmas movies, and shopped for each other. Christmas Day was lovely–we spent the morning opening presents from each other and then we went to spend the rest of the day at my parents'.

When we got home, Ricky went out walking, and I stayed home and crocheted and watched more Christmas movies–I was having such a great time. 

But at some point...I just got so sad and mad. I was looking forward to announcing our pregnancy. I had such a cute idea planned. I was also upset because I should have had a toddler, too. It would have been their first "real" Christmas. I watched my nephews have such a fun day and my heart ached because my baby should have been there, too. I should have been watching MY baby play with their cousins. 

So, to help me heal and finally make something FOR my babies, I decided I wanted to make them stockings that we can hang every year to remember them. So I made one stocking at the end of the year and started the second, which I finished this weekend. I want to put their names on them, but was having trouble figuring that out the way I originally wanted to do the names, so I have to do some more thinking about that first, but their stockings are done. 💜

Stockings I made for our babies.
Pattern: Bead Stitch Christmas Stocking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are two poems I wrote today–one takes pieces from my Facebook post, and the other is kind of a chiasmus poem that I'm really proud of. 💜

Moments

Life is full of moments–

moments of pleasure and delight,

moments of productivity and determination,

moments of pain and despair. 

Every day is different. 

Every moment is different. 

Every day that passes

shapes us into who

and what we are meant to become.

But some days feel like

one step forward, 

three steps backward. 

Trying to find connection.

Trying to move forward with the world

when all I want

is to sit and cry–

to stay suspended in the moments

before everything changed.

The moments when I didn't know

it was over.

The moments when the future felt certain,

when I could plan your life

before I ever held you.

Those moments still live in me–

tender, unforgotten,

etched into my heart

through grief.

These moments have passed–

as moments always will–

but live forever in my heart,

never far gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning Moments

We wanted you

from the moment

you implanted,

before we discovered

you were lost. 

Every moment after

that positive test,

we wanted you.

You were not

long in this world,

but you live on

in loud hopes,

dashed dreams,

aching memories,

and yearning moments.

We never heard

your little heartbeat,

and we never saw

your little form,

but we still loved you.

Grief captured us

the way you

were supposed to–

quickly and loudly,

panicked and unexpected–

but it stayed 

longer than you. 

We wanted you

every moment after

that positive test.

You were lost

before we discovered

you implanted–

from the moment

we wanted you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My plans and wishes for this year involve family history, temple work, and scripture study. I want to understand my covenants with God more, and I love that we are studying the Old Testament this year because the Old Testament is all about the covenants God makes with His children.

My word this year is "STRIVE/STRIVING". I'm striving to trust God, even when I fall short. I keep trying, even though it's been difficult. I'm striving to see the light, though the fog keeps rolling in. But I'm grateful that the light keeps shining through. 

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and that you have a wonderful year with your families.

I know that God is real, and that He loves us. Even when we feel lost and alone, He is always with us. I love you, too, and am so thankful for your presence in my life. I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

A Piece of Hope.

I wrote this on April 23, 2023. I never shared this poem because I wanted to do a few things with it, but I needed the comfort it offered, and I thought that I would share it for others who might also need the comfort and peace it brings.

Sometimes it's hard to hear.

We've been learning about effective and ineffective listening skills in my communications class for the last two weeks, and my teacher shared this quote by Richard Branson with us: "Effective listening is a skill that underpins all positive human relationships. Spend some time thinking about and developing your listening skills. They are the building blocks of success."

This quote really resonated with me, especially the part where he said listening skills "are the building blocks of success." It is almost impossible for anyone to go anywhere in this world if they don't have effective listening skills. Why? People want to be heard and understood. If you aren't hearing or understanding, they will stop communicating with you.

This last week, we have discussed seven ineffective ways of listening (though I am sure there are more). We have also discussed that listening is an active skill and needs to be consistently worked on. Here's a few of the ineffective listening skills we've discussed that I think are probably the most common:

Ineffective Listening Skill #1: Evaluative Listening

Evaluative listeners spend the whole time you are talking evaluating and judging what you are saying. They will either agree or disagree with your statement, and could even agree AND disagree using the phrase, "Yes, but..."

Ineffective Listening Skill #2: Defensive Listening

Defensive listeners feel the need to defend themselves and justify everything they say by also using the phrase "Yes, but...". They find anything different than their point of view a threat. They only want to defend their opinions and perspective.

Ineffective Listening Skill #3: Authoritative Listening

Authoritative listeners listen to respond or give advice. They often use phrases like, "You should..." or "You need..." and don't really care about what you have said; only that they have an answer to your problem.

__________________________________________________________________________

In contrast to these ineffective listening skills, I found three effective listening skills that you can use to increase your listening skills.

Effective Listening Skill #1: Empathetic Listening

Empathetic listeners put themselves in your shoes and listen to give you emotional support and show that they understand where you are coming from. People feel In my personal opinion, if you can only work on one listening skill, I would pick this one.

Effective Listening Skill #2: Insightful Listening

It's important to insure that any questions you ask the speaker are intended to help clarify understanding of what the speaker is talking about. You should be asking questions to make sure you and the speaker are on the same page. 

Effective Listening Skill #3: Responsive Listening

Try to show that you understand where the speaker is coming from. Paraphrase what you think they've been saying, or just nod and encourage them to keep talking (as long as you are still paying attention). Be as engaging as you can without taking over the conversation.

__________________________________________________________________________

Listening is a really hard skill to learn and practice. You have to be an active listener in all aspects of your life, and sometimes it's really hard to listen to others and pay attention to what they are talking about, especially in this day and age. The world is full of noise, and it's hard to find quiet.

God is always speaking to us. We need to learn how to listen and distinguish His voice from the voices of the world, but He is always trying to communicate with us. He speaks to each of us differently, but He is always trying to let us know He cares. My teacher invited us to look at 3 Nephi 11:3–7:

3 And it came to pass that while they were thus conversing one with another, they heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; and they cast their eyes round about, for they understood not the voice which they heard; and it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it being a small voice it did pierce them that did hear to the center, insomuch that there was no part of their frame that it did not cause to quake; yea, it did pierce them to the very soul, and did cause their hearts to burn.

4 And it came to pass that again they heard the voice, and they understood it not.

5 And again the third time they did hear the voice, and did open their ears to hear it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.

6 And behold, the third time they did understand the voice which they heard; and it said unto them:

7 Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name—hear ye him.

God is always speaking to us. We need to learn how to listen and distinguish His voice from the voices of the world, but He is always trying to communicate with us. Like the Nephites in this passage, we might not understand at first, but if we continue to listen, open our ears, and open our hearts, we will be able to better understand and hear Him.

Xoxo

Mattie

He is already here.

"He is Already Here"
--Mattie Velasquez, March 30th, 2024

 I had this beautiful idea in my head Friday night after my orchestra concert of a meaningful image of the sacrifice and love of our Savior. I spent many hours working on it, wanting to get it right because this idea was too precious not to share. 

One of my favorite talks about Easter is from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from General Conference in October 2006. In his talk, he states:

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. 

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth. Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. 

On that day they stood triumphant. On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain. Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross. 

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies. 

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled. It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. 

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest."

Not only was that day the darkest day in the history of the world, but that day was the darkest in the life of Jesus Christ. For the Son of God--who exuded so much light, life, hope, and love--that Friday was His darkest moment. And He endured it for us. For those who love Him and try every day to be better people. For those who know of Him but do not know Him. For those who do not know of Him. For those who do not care. For all of us, regardless of our relationship with Him or lack thereof, He suffered the most--He endured the darkest day--for us. 

Elder Wirthlin continues, however:

"But the doom of that day did not endure. 

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind. 

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence. 

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. 

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. 

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Grief is oftentimes the most overwhelming feeling to ever exist or feel. I think that is why there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes, it feels like our grief is neverending. The depth of our sorrow is incomprehensible to anyone but ourselves. Except for Him. He understands in ways that no one else does. He understands in ways that we can't even describe or fathom. For He endured it all. He has walked through it with us already. He has been there and will continue to be there for us.

Even though the darkness seems overwhelming at times...the light will come. No matter how overpowering the darkness...how endless it seems...the light is there. The Son will come. Because He is already here. 

He endured the darkest day in the history of the world so that we wouldn't have to. 

If that isn't love, I don't know what is. 

Happy Easter, my friends and loved ones. I cherish you all and wish you all the best. I hope you know how much your Savior loves you and how much I love you. I think of you often and pray for your health and happiness. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Faith means moving forward anyway.

We have been studying The Book of Mormon this year, and I am amazed at the answers and revelations found in The Book of Mormon. Nephi tells us several times that even though he struggled to believe in the words of his father at one time, he chose to ask God, and prayed to understand the words of his father.

1 love that we can see that even Nephi had questions, but he chose to turn to God and ask for clarification and answers. In 1 Nephi 15:11, Nephi asks Laman and Lemuel, "Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?--If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you."

There is a reason that faith is the first principle and ordinance of the gospel. We must ask God in faith, trusting that the Lord will provide answers, peace, guidance, and direction.

I just had the most powerful thought about The Book of Mormon based on the principles and ordinances of the gospel. Remember, they are faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism by immersion for the remission of sins, and laying on of hands by the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Throughout The Book of Mormon, we see these principles and ordinances.

First, faith. Nephi shows so much faith in the Lord Jesus Christ throughout his life.

Second, repentance. We see repentance throughout The Book of Mormon a lot, but especially in the book of Alma.

Third, baptism. We see baptism not only in the book of Alma but also in Helaman.

Fourth, laying on of hands by the gift of the Holy Ghost. We see this in Alma and in 4th Nephi.

I love that we see the principles and ordinances of the gospel cycle within not only each book within The Book of Mormon, but also throughout The Book of Mormon as a whole.

There are many answers to be discovered through the books within The Book of Mormon, and I know that those answers will change according to the season of life I am in.

I am grateful for the love of God that is shown throughout The Book of Mormon, and for the love that I see within my life. Though I do not have all the answers, I know God loves me. I don't know why we sometimes have to wait years for answers, but I know that by waiting, we can come to know the love of God more. In waiting, we find ways to move forward in faith anyway. I know that sometimes, the answers aren't what we sought. Instead, the answers we receive are the answers that we need to grow. There is pain and heartache in waiting for the answers we want, but there is also peace and growth in accepting the answers we receive.

I hope you have a wonderful week, full of peace and love.

Xoxo
Mattie

God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie