The light keeps shining through.

It has been quite a busy few months. I finished up my last semester at Ensign in December, so I was extremely busy working on my schoolwork for the months prior to that.

In addition to that, Ricky and I have had an emotionally difficult couple of months, and though I am not sure I want to be sharing everything in detail quite so soon, I do think it is an important topic of conversation and I want to prevent others from experiencing the long, drawn out experience we had.

Content Warning: Miscarriage, Pregnancy loss, Grief

To make a long story short ("Too late!" ~ Clue), we did an IVF transfer at the beginning of October and received a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. We went in for an ultrasound at the clinic on the 24th and the doctor was a little concerned because it was measuring a little bit behind. He said I might experience a miscarriage if I encounter any bleeding in the next two weeks before the follow-up ultrasound. I did experience a tiny bit of bleeding the week of the appointment, but it wasn't as much as I thought it should have been for a miscarriage, so I was hopeful.

When we went back on the 7th, we were told that the embryo wasn't growing and was no longer viable. We were devastated, and I was given the option to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage, or I could take medicine to help the process along. I wanted to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage. The doctor recommended waiting two weeks and scheduling another ultrasound to make sure everything was clearing up safely. 

So I scheduled another ultrasound with a place closer to us and after a week, I was concerned because a) I hadn't experienced any additional bleeding whatsoever, and b) in my mind, the embryo had stopped growing even before our first ultrasound, which means it had already been about two weeks, so I should have started bleeding.

I messaged the clinic and asked if I should keep waiting til the ultrasound, and they said I should, but I didn't feel right about that. I was able to get my next ultrasound appointment moved up and be seen earlier. 

I thought I would be able to get the medicine prescribed at that appointment, but the doctor was concerned because it appeared I had a blighted ovum and she was worried about me hemorrhaging. So she recommended an OBGYN and I was able to see them on Friday–the day I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound anyway. She was able to prescribe me the medicine, and I took it the next day (November 22), and everything happened so quickly after that, I was grateful I didn't have to carry around the stress and weight of waiting for it to clear up any more. 

If I could go back and do it over again, I would ask for the medication upfront. If I couldn't take the medication first, I would make sure that I scheduled an ultrasound with an OBGYN. I didn't realize that the ultrasound place I had contacted wasn't an actual OBGYN office, nor that they wouldn't have an OBGYN in the office. 

I tried to fight for my health because from the first ultrasound to when I passed everything was just shy of 30 days. That is TOO LONG for my body to have my empty gestational sac inside when there was no yolk sac or anything else to be seen in it. I felt like I couldn't move forward with grieving and accepting I wasn't pregnant anymore until I was sure that everything was gone. 

I wanted to share my experience because I had no idea what to expect from this experience, and going back and forth from the clinic, to the ultrasound place, to the OBGYN office, made it really difficult for anyone to know exactly what was going on in the first place, but it also made it really difficult for me to be able to get any real answers. Next time, I will take the medication and go ahead and be seen by the OBGYN right from the start. 

So for anyone who experiences a miscarriage in the future (myself included), I want you to know several things:

1. I am here for you, always.

2. You can take the medication–it's okay.

3. Make sure that, if you need to schedule an ultrasound, you schedule it with an OBGYN office.

4. It's okay to take a day–or two, or three. However long you need. 

5. It wasn't your fault.

6. YOU ARE LOVED. 💜

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On December 30, 2025, I posted this to my Facebook page, but I also wanted to share it here:

One of my favorite movies about grief and loss that I think is a great depiction of grief and loss is The Starling, which can be found on Netflix. It stars Melissa McCarthy and has comedic elements but isn’t a comedy. 

My favorite quote from the movie reflects exactly how I’ve been feeling: “‘Cause everybody’s rolling along, living their lives like nothing happened, you know? And I’m saying, “Stop.” ‘Cause I wanna get off for a little bit.” 

My miscarriages were early, and we didn’t get a chance to know our babies, but our loss is still real, and I loved the way this movie shows the ups and downs of grief. 

Moments of productivity and determination. Moments of pain and despair. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps backwards. Trying to find connections. Trying to keep moving forward with the world when all I want to do is sit and cry and stay in the moments when I didn’t know it was over. The moments when I could plan for our baby’s future. 

I have more to say but am still thinking about how I want to say it. I just wanted to be honest about how HARD the last two months have been for me and how I’ve been in a fog but I’m starting to see some light. The fog keeps coming back but so does the light. I’m trying and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and loving. I don’t really want to end (or start) the year sad, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m doing a lot better than I was, but I’m still healing. Thank you for being so kind.  #grief #loss #love

This past holiday season was more difficult than I anticipated. At first, the season was perfect. We read about the different names of Jesus each day of the month, watched fun Christmas movies, and shopped for each other. Christmas Day was lovely–we spent the morning opening presents from each other and then we went to spend the rest of the day at my parents'.

When we got home, Ricky went out walking, and I stayed home and crocheted and watched more Christmas movies–I was having such a great time. 

But at some point...I just got so sad and mad. I was looking forward to announcing our pregnancy. I had such a cute idea planned. I was also upset because I should have had a toddler, too. It would have been their first "real" Christmas. I watched my nephews have such a fun day and my heart ached because my baby should have been there, too. I should have been watching MY baby play with their cousins. 

So, to help me heal and finally make something FOR my babies, I decided I wanted to make them stockings that we can hang every year to remember them. So I made one stocking at the end of the year and started the second, which I finished this weekend. I want to put their names on them, but was having trouble figuring that out the way I originally wanted to do the names, so I have to do some more thinking about that first, but their stockings are done. 💜

Stockings I made for our babies.
Pattern: Bead Stitch Christmas Stocking

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Here are two poems I wrote today–one takes pieces from my Facebook post, and the other is kind of a chiasmus poem that I'm really proud of. 💜

Moments

Life is full of moments–

moments of pleasure and delight,

moments of productivity and determination,

moments of pain and despair. 

Every day is different. 

Every moment is different. 

Every day that passes

shapes us into who

and what we are meant to become.

But some days feel like

one step forward, 

three steps backward. 

Trying to find connection.

Trying to move forward with the world

when all I want

is to sit and cry–

to stay suspended in the moments

before everything changed.

The moments when I didn't know

it was over.

The moments when the future felt certain,

when I could plan your life

before I ever held you.

Those moments still live in me–

tender, unforgotten,

etched into my heart

through grief.

These moments have passed–

as moments always will–

but live forever in my heart,

never far gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning Moments

We wanted you

from the moment

you implanted,

before we discovered

you were lost. 

Every moment after

that positive test,

we wanted you.

You were not

long in this world,

but you live on

in loud hopes,

dashed dreams,

aching memories,

and yearning moments.

We never heard

your little heartbeat,

and we never saw

your little form,

but we still loved you.

Grief captured us

the way you

were supposed to–

quickly and loudly,

panicked and unexpected–

but it stayed 

longer than you. 

We wanted you

every moment after

that positive test.

You were lost

before we discovered

you implanted–

from the moment

we wanted you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My plans and wishes for this year involve family history, temple work, and scripture study. I want to understand my covenants with God more, and I love that we are studying the Old Testament this year because the Old Testament is all about the covenants God makes with His children.

My word this year is "STRIVE/STRIVING". I'm striving to trust God, even when I fall short. I keep trying, even though it's been difficult. I'm striving to see the light, though the fog keeps rolling in. But I'm grateful that the light keeps shining through. 

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and that you have a wonderful year with your families.

I know that God is real, and that He loves us. Even when we feel lost and alone, He is always with us. I love you, too, and am so thankful for your presence in my life. I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

"My [child], peace be unto thy soul."

Happy May! May is my favorite month for many reasons--one being it's springtime, and the other being it's our anniversary month! Ricky and I are looking forward to a fun summer, with at least one out-of-state trip (this month for our anniversary) and hopefully a few weekend day trips!

Over the last several months (and off and on over the last 5 years), I have had the opportunity to research Ricky's family history and gather together his family tree. It has been really enlightening and spiritual for me because I've never had to actually do research to find my family tree--it's always just been there. Being able to do the research and put together the pieces of Ricky's family tree puzzle has been really fun for me!

Being able to work on family history, even when I haven't been able to make it to the temple to do temple work, has been a really powerful experience for me over the last few years that I have been working on this project. 

As I think about my experience doing family history for Ricky's family, and the times we have been able to attend the temple together, I think back to the first chapter of the Book of Matthew in The New Testament, which lists the genealogy of Jesus Christ back to Abraham. 

1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;
3 And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram;
4 And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon;
5 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;
6 And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias;
7 And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa;
8 And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias;
9 And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias;
10 And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias;
11 And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon:
12 And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel;
13 And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor;
14 And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud;
15 And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob;
16 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.
17 So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

Even Jesus knew His heritage. Knowing who you are and where you come from is vital in understanding your story. Because Jesus knew who He was and what His mission was, He was able to achieve His mission as our Savior.

When we know WHOSE we are, there is NOTHING that can stand in our way of achieving all that the Lord has in store for us as long as we remember that we have the Lord on our side. With Him, He will give us peace and comfort in all our challenges and trials. Even when it seems unfair. Even when it seems like your world is falling apart. Even when it feels like everything is happening far slower than you would like, and all around you are reminders of your trials and challenges. Even when your trials seem never-ending.

John 14

27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Doctrine and Covenants 121

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Helaman 5
47 Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world. 

I am so grateful for all of the peace and comfort I have felt in my life throughout all of the trials and challenges I have been going through. Sometimes it's hard to feel in the moment, especially when feelings of anger, sorrow, upset, and anything else take over your brain. I have been working really hard on recognizing when my emotions are trying to take over and stepping back and taking control back. I am not perfect at it, but I am doing my best to be better every day.

Jesus Christ is known as the Prince of Peace and the Comforter. We are His children, and He wants us to be able to find peace, be comforted, and feel loved in the midst of our trials. I am so grateful for His promise of peace. Even if I can't feel it yet, I know that it is promised, and it will come.

Xoxo

Mattie

I hope I make Him proud.

Yesterday I went to the temple with some friends and I was able to take some family names to do, and it was so special! One of the things that stood out to me as I was sitting there listening to the ordinance workers was how much God loves me and wants me to be the best that I can be. As I am honest, true, and faithful to my covenants, I will be blessed–in this life, and in the life to come. That fills me with such peace and comfort. Life might not always go how I want it to go, but I know that everything God has promised me will eventually be available to me.

One of the blessings of doing temple work for my own family names is that I am helping my own family to come closer to God, and to come closer to having the blessings of being sealed to our family forever. It is so inspiring to know that my family has waited a long time for the blessings of the temple–and I am the one who gets to help them receive those blessings! I know that they are grateful for the time I take to help them receive the blessings of the temple, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to do their work for them. 

This is an older picture that I took of the Provo City Center temple last year, but it's one of my favorites. I really love this temple, and I am so grateful that I live so close. I haven't always been the best at going to the temple as often as I could be going, but I am wanting to do better, and I am trying to do better. I know that God blesses me as I take time from my busy schedule to go to the temple, and to do the work for those who cannot do it for themselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I don't always know what I believe. Sometimes I struggle with different things...but one thing that I know and that has never been something that I have doubted is my faith in my Savior and my Father in Heaven. No matter what goes on in life...no matter what I struggle with...They have always been there. I have always had my Savior with me, and I have always been able to count on my Father in Heaven. The most important thing to me is my relationship with Them. People come and go...sometimes people come into and out of my life faster than you can say, "Hello"...but Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always there. Their love for me, and Their trust and belief in me, is constant and enduring. It is never more clear to me than when I am in the temple.

I have been able to receive many answers and blessings through the temple, and because of my time in the temple. My day and week are blessed after I go to the temple. Answers that would just not come before...come after. Motivation that just would not come...comes. Stress that has been overwhelming...disappears. I know that I am blessed when I visit the house of the Lord. 

I know that I am not perfect...but I hope that what I offer to Heavenly Father is enough. I try to make a difference in the lives of those around me by being kind, and I hope that I make Him proud every day. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I know that I will–my birthday is this week!! I don't have any specific plans but I know that it is going to be a great day! Remember that you are always loved by God, and that I love you too! Happy Sunday! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Daily scripture study changes lives.

Man, what a week!! We had our first group of scouts, and it was crazy! But we did it!! We had a lot of challenges, as is expected with teen boys, but we learned and grew as a staff. Next week will bring more challenges and lessons but it will be worth it!

I have really been blessed this week as I've studied my scriptures each night. I'm able to get more out of my experiences here at camp, and I am able to be more in tune with the Spirit, as well as be more determined and capable of working hard. This week I've been reading in First Nephi Chapters 1 and 2. There are a couple of things that stood out to me that I thought were profound and wanted to share. 

One thing I noticed was that in chapter one, Nephi makes a statement that he is first going to be making an abridgement of his father's record, and then he will make his record. How awesome is that? Nephi was doing family history before it was cool. I recently finished a book series by Richard Paul Evans, entitled The Walk. And there is a part in one of the books where the main character's father writes the history of his family at least three generations back. And I just thought, "how cool is that?" Family history is becoming a worldwide thing. And Nephi did it before it was cool. 

In chapter two, Nephi says that the Lord "did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father". Which means that Nephi, at one point, did not fully believe. However, unlike Laman and Lemuel, he did not harden his heart, so he was able to be converted, and believe his father's words.

I know that daily scripture study changes lives. I've seen the impact that it has on not only my life, but my friends' lives. I've seen the wonderful changes in them that it has had. I'm grateful to have so many wonderful examples of how important daily scripture study is. And I'm grateful to be blessed with so many amazing people to love and look up to. I know they love me, too, even when we're miles and miles apart.

I'm really grateful for the scriptures. I'm grateful for Joseph Smith's sacrifices to translate the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for Mormon, and his dedication to abridging the book and making sure everything we would need is in there. I'm grateful for the pieces of truth that they hold, and for the ones that I've learned this week as I've studied them. I'm grateful for the light that they bring to my life. I'm grateful for the beauty of Bear Lake, and for my wonderful co-workers. I'm blessed each and every day by their examples, humor, service, and love. It's been a hard week but we've gotten through it together, and we all build each other up as often as we can. It's been an amazing experience and I can't believe we're going to be on week three this week!!

I'm grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for the love that He shows me each and every day. I'm grateful for the beauty of the world around me, and for the chance I have this summer to be surrounded. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for His sacrifice and love. Since it's Father's Day, I can't forget my own dad. I love him so much! I'm grateful for all that he does for me. I'm grateful for all the father figures in my life—my uncles, grandpas, and the other men in my life that I look up to. You are all wonderful examples of what real men are supposed to be like. Thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to treat the women in his life. Thank you for being willing to serve. And thank you for being willing to be soft and emotional, even when the world tells you you need to be tough and stoic.

I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Don't forget to wear sunscreen and drink water!! And remember who you are, and whose you are. God loves you very much and has many blessings in store for you. Be patient and remember that everything will work out in the end. Love you!! 💜

Xoxo
Mattie