Sunday, December 22, 2019

The first to see our Shepherd were the shepherds in the fields.

I can't believe that Christmas is this week! I am so very excited! It's going to be so much fun! I also can't believe that it has been a week since I got engaged! It has been such an exciting week already!

Today in sacrament meeting, we had a little testimony meeting and sang Christmas hymns. It was beautiful and touching, and I wanted to share a story that I found on Facebook and share the hymn that I would have liked to have the congregation sing before we ran out of time.

The song I would have liked to have sung is The First Noel. I love the thought that shepherds were among the first to see Him, and that He is our Shepherd. πŸ’œ
"Interesting fact: the shepherds in the nativity story were probably no ordinary shepherds. 
In the Mishnah (the written collection of Jewish oral tradition) it “expressly forbids the keeping of flocks throughout the land of Israel except in the wilderness. And only flocks otherwise kept would be those for the temple services.” 
These shepherds were raising lambs that would be sacrificed in the temple—no small task. In fact, a very important task. 
And yet, even as they tended their lambs, when an angel came to tell them of The Lamb, they went immediately to see. They saw that their task to raise animals that would be sacrificed was only important because it led to Christ and His ultimate sacrifice. 
So, they literally left their 99 sheep in search of The One. 
This holiday season, there are a lot of important things on our plate. But I think it is important that we, like the shepherds, realize what each of those events is for and who it is leading us to: Christ. 
And we must be ready at any time, like those shepherds, to leave our 99 to find The One." (Quote from “The Life and Times of Jesus the Messiah by Alfred Edershelm)


Art by Daniel Bonnell
I loved this thought and was so grateful to have found it on Facebook. I love the insights and the symbolism of the shepherds and lambs.

“When we see shepherds, may we remember to be humble. When we see wise men, may we remember to be generous. When we see the star, may we remember the Light of Christ, which gives life and light to all things. When we see a tiny baby, may we remember to love unconditionally, with tenderness and compassion.” ~Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, "Christmas is Christlike Love"

This week is Christmas, and while I am so excited to see my family's faces when they open my gifts to them, I am more excited that I get to be with my family forever because of the birth, life, death, and resurrection of our Savior. Because of His birth, and His life, we have the Perfect example to follow. Because of His death and resurrection, we know that the "grave hath no victory" for He has overcome the world. πŸ’œ

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Whatever your religion and holidays, I hope you have a blessed holiday season, and a happy New Year! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, December 15, 2019

"Love is the only word to describe what we've been through together."







This weekend was absolutely perfect!!


Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to Salt Lake City to do a session in the temple before it's closed at the end of the year for renovations (and to see the lights), and then we grabbed a bite to eat. We met up with my sisters (who were both randomly also in Salt Lake city to see the lights). After meeting up with them, he took me to a favorite park of his, where he then PROPOSED to me! I happily (and tearfully) said yes! I am so very excited and happy!! I am so excited for this next adventure in our lives and I can't wait to start planning for it! This has been the best Christmas ever, and it's not even Christmas yet!!!

My life has definitely not gone the way that I planned it or wanted it to...but somehow, looking back, it was just perfect. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have loving Heavenly Parents who want what is best for me and who know just what I need in my life and when. And I pray every day that I will not be such a Negative Nan as much as I have been in the past...but that is something that needs work. And I hope and pray every day that today will be better than yesterday, or that I can have at least one positive moment. So far, I am finding that one positive moment a day leads to more positive moments the next days. 

I am so thankful for my fiancΓ©, who is my best friend and who is absolutely perfect for me. He's smart, kind, sweet, sensitive, thoughtful, a great listener, a worthy priesthood holder, and an all-around amazing son of God. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He makes me want to be a better person every day.

I am thankful for my Heavenly Parents, who love me and have given me so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my earthly parents, who love me and have given me so much experience, knowledge, love, and happiness. I am thankful for my family, who not only tolerate my craziness, but love me in spite of it. 🀣 I am thankful for my friends, who have helped me have a wonderful time and have helped me to look on the bright side of things, and who have helped me to rise above and beyond my mental illnesses and to stand my ground against the adversary.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week! I've got a lot going on this week!! I have jury service tomorrow and really hope I get selected! I'd love a chance to participate as a member of the jury because court life fascinates me. I'm finishing up my Christmas gift shopping and probably sleeping more too! I'm also celebrating Christmas with my fiancΓ© before he leaves to spend time with his family and I am so very excited!!

Happy holidays!! May you have a safe and happy holiday season with your loved ones!! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, December 8, 2019

God’s love shines through the darkness

Grateful for the chances I have to share my love of music and the Savior! Next week I’m playing in sacrament meeting (my violin!) and I am so excited! We practiced today and it sounded so beautiful! I can’t wait for my ward to hear it.

I’m also grateful for the chances that I have to serve and bless those around me! Yesterday I had the opportunity to watch my friend’s kids while she and her husband went to the Salt Lake Temple. It was so much fun! Her kids are just so, so darling and I love them to pieces and I was so glad I got to watch them while she went out with her husband. I know how important it is for parents to have date night, and I am always down to play with the kids. We had such a wonderful time, it was so sweet. πŸ’œ

Today, my family watched the First Presidency’s Christmas Devotional, which was so good!! Afterwards, we watched the new Christmas movie, Christmas Jars, which was so cute! Right now, I’m watching the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert from a few years ago, featuring  Sutton Foster and Hugh Bonneville, with my parents. It’s such an amazing concert! I highly recommend it! It’s full of Christmas love and feelings. “God’s love does shine in the darkness.” πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

I’m so grateful and excited for Christmas. I’m grateful for my Savior, whose life led the way for us to be able to learn, grow, and be able to become like (and someday live with again) my Heavenly Parents. I’m grateful for His mother, Mary, and for her love for God, and her sacrifices.

For those who do not celebrate Christmas, I wish you the happiest of holidays! May you have peace, love, and happiness this holiday season.

May you have a wonderful week! This week, my family and I are going to see A Christmas Carol at the Hale Center Theater in Orem and I’m very excited! I love the story and am grateful for the messages it shares.

I’m grateful for the blessings in my life, and for the people in my life. I’m grateful for a loving Savior, a loving Father in Heaven, and a loving Mother in Heaven. I’m grateful for the power of love, and for the chances I have to love and serve those around me—whether or not I know them personally. It’s such an amazing experience to serve people who I’ve just barely met, and it’s even better to serve my loved ones. πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Again, have a blessed and wonderful week!! Love you!

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, December 1, 2019

God never promised life without heartache.

Happy December! Wow! Can you believe it is the last month of the year 2019 already?? I swear the year just started! This year has had a whole lot of ups and downs, and I have been through so much already! Here's just a small sample:

  • This year, I started my last semester of college! And then I also graduated college!
  • I went through the temple for the first time and then upped my temple attendance throughout the rest of the year! I've learned so much from the temple and my testimony of the power of the temple and of my Heavenly Father and my Savior has grown so much over the course of this year! πŸ’œ
  • I turned 22, bought my second car, entered two posters in BYU's Fulton Conference and had one of them win FIRST PLACE!
  • I had to get an appendectomy! That was a rough couple of days. 
  • My family and I went to Vernal, Utah for our family vacation! It was amAAAAzing!!
  • In July, I went on a trip to New York with my friend! 
  • I started my first full-time job post-college and have been living the dream ever since!
  • I saw Wicked TWO TIMES this year–once was in New York and it was absolutely phenomenal because we had front row seats!!
  • "Even when it has been dark for days, the Son always comes." (Me, 07.23.2019)
  • With my family and extended family on my mom's side, we went to the Dinosaur Park in Ogden, Utah for our family reunion! It was a blast!
  • In September, my coworkers picked me for teacher of the month! It was such a blessing!!
  • I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, who is the sweetest, kindest, most respectful and thoughtful guy ever! I am sure grateful for him in my life!
  • I celebrated the one year anniversary of getting my first car (#KingRupertMayHeRestInPeace).
  • I made a Facebook page for my blog! (Yes, this blog!)
  • Went to Salt Lake City for the October conference Saturday morning session.
  • Went to my first BYU Spectacular as an Alumni! Ben Rector and Hilary Weeks were AMAZING!!
  • I got to meet KRISTIN CHENOWETH AT A BOOK SIGNING!!! This was definitely one of the highlights of my year!
  • I got to go to the temple with my younger brother for our sister's wedding. It was a very special day. The First Three, all in the temple together for a sealing. 
  • I got to see Frozen II twice in November! I have always loved Frozen and Frozen II is BETTER! I loved it so much and can't wait to buy it when it comes out on DVD/Blu-Ray!
  • Thanksgiving was amazing! Yummy turkeys and pies!
  • I have been working on trying to figure out/remember MY JOB. The one that God gave ME. No one else. Me. He has given me everything I need to do it. I just need to get up and do it (once, of course, I know what it is. I have some ideas but nothing certain yet. Gotta keep praying).
  • I learned that LOVE is the answer to all things. Love was the common theme this year. And my self-love increased much this year.
  • This year, my mental health journey has had some cRaAaAZzyy times! I have had some pretty amazing breakthroughs and beautiful thoughts, though, and I am very proud of the progress that I have made!
  • I learned a lot about God's blessings for me, and about His plans, timing, and how everything has its time and season.
  • Now it is December! Time for #LightTheWorld, the Christmas story, Christ's birth, finding Christmas presents for my loved ones (without breaking the bank/going overboard), and remembering the reason for the season.
There is so much to be thankful for! I have had such an amazing year! There have been so many ups!!! But there have also been many downs. Because one cannot know joy without knowing sorrow. One cannot know up without knowing down. And God never promised us a life without heartache. There has been (and will always be) some heartache in my life this year. And that will never change. There will always be heartache. But that's okay. I just need to remember to pray for peace and love, and to hope for a better tomorrow. And to keep my chin up, because there are far more happy days than sad days. I just need to remember to focus on the happy days and not let the sad days ruin the rest of the days. 

I cannot wait to see where the rest of this year takes me, and to see what's in store for me in 2020! I have a feeling next year is going to be my best year yet! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Into the unknown.

This last week has been a little crazy! My sister had her wedding reception Thursday and then got married Friday, and so we spent all week finalizing preparations. The reception and wedding were both very beautiful. My sister made a beautiful bride and I am very happy for her and proud of her. 

This week is Thanksgiving, and I am very grateful for all of the blessings in my life. I am grateful for my Savior, and my Heavenly Parents. I am grateful for the love that I feel from Them, and for the blessings that They give me in my life. I am grateful for the opportunities that I had to attend college and increase my education. I am grateful for my job, and for the happiness that it brings me to work with my kiddos. I am grateful for my parents, and my siblings–new brother-in-law included. I am grateful for my friends, and for all of their love and support during my trials in the last several years. And I am grateful for my boyfriend, who is the sweetest and most thoughtful guy, and who is the best blessing in my life right now. πŸ’œ

My life hasn't always gone the way that I had hoped that it would, but I know that this is something that everyone struggles with. Life doesn't always go as planned. God has a bigger plan for us. And His timing is always perfect–even when it doesn't seem like it is. We don't always know why things happen when they do–or don't happen–but not knowing why can often help us increase our faith and trust in the Lord. As of right now, I don't know why God's timing is perfect for me right now.  Sometimes it's really hard to trust the Lord, especially when it doesn't feel like He is listening. But as we are praying in a way that means God can actually answer our prayers, we can come to better understand His plans for us. Sometimes His timing doesn't feel perfect, and sometimes it doesn't seem like I can hear Him answering me, but I know that eventually–whether in this life or the next–things will all make sense. 

As we step forward into the unknown (phrase courtesy of Frozen II and its soundtrack, which I conveniently saw yesterday evening and I HIGHLY recommend everyone sees! I recommend seeing it blindly but you can do what you want), we are facing our fears. We are trusting God and trusting ourselves, and standing tall and taking a step into the dark. The future is unknown, but as we strive to follow God's plan for us, we can come to take things one moment at a time and even though it might not always make sense, it will always be a lesson or a blessing–something to learn from, or something to grow from. 

A bit of a shorter post today, but if you're interested, on Friday I posted on my Facebook page about my sister's wedding and some tips on relationships from President and Sister Nelson. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful week preparing for Thanksgiving this week! Remember to count your blessings and be thankful. I know that I am going to be focusing on gratitude and my blessings this week, and for the rest of the holiday season this year. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

He'll provide a way.

This was quite the weekend. I woke up sick Saturday morning around 5am and ended up staying in bed all day resting my body. It was glorious. Even though I was still not feeling well by the end of the day, I was feeling 5-10% better that night. And yesterday I was feeling about 25-75% better.

Something I've learned this week while I was studying the scriptures was that humbleness can be trusting God even when you can't hear Him.

My family watched the Youth Face to Face event yesterday afternoon, which was explaining more about the changes to the youth programs, and David Archuleta introduced and sang the new song for next year's theme ("I Will Go and Do"), and one of my favorite lines was, "He'll provide a way." I loved this! This has been a major theme in the last couple of weeks as I have been reminded many times by close friends about God's timing, and His love and grace.

I first off want to say how grateful I am for artists like David Archuleta, Calee Reed, Hilary Weeks, Gentri, Cherie Call, and many, many others who share their faith through music and song. I am grateful for their messages of love, hope, and for their testimonies that shine through their music.

Second, I want to say how grateful I am for all of the blessings in my life, and for the blessings that I get because of the things that I am doing every day to improve and increase my testimony. I've been struggling with a lot of things these last couple of months, but in the last couple of weeks, I have been reminded of my blessings. I have been reminded of the Lord's plan for me, and of the opportunities I have to find joy in my life.

Sorry that this post is so late but yesterday was a little crazy, what with me still being sick and not entirely feeling up to doing a lot of things.

Hope everyone has a great week! My sister is getting married this week so our week is going to be crazy busy, but hopefully it will be a wonderful week with family! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Consistent and resilient trust in the Lord.

There is nothing like the holidays or the end of the year that have you thinking about where you are in life and where you want to be. πŸ’œ

I was pondering during the sacrament today about the sacrament prayers. I made a list of the promises and covenants that I made at baptism, and that God made, and there's not as many as I thought there were! I promised to:

  1. Be willing to take the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, upon me.
  2. Always remember Him.
  3. Keep His commandments.
And if I do these, then God promises that:
  1. I can always have the Spirit to be with me.
This is such a great promise. I love that as I do those three things, I have the ability to have the Spirit with me–always.

Today was my ward's fast and testimony meeting (since last week was our Stake Conference), and someone said something today that really rang true with me. They said that, just like type 2 diabetes (in which your body still produces insulin but is unable to use it effectively), sometimes when we don't receive or hear guidance from the Spirit, it's a receptor problem. The Spirit is still speaking to us, we are just unable to hear it. 

This really made me think, because I've been struggling within the last couple of years to consistently hear and feel the Spirit, and I always thought something was wrong with me. I've been doing everything right. I've gone to the temple, I've prayed, I've studied my scriptures, I've gone to church...everything you can do, I did. But a friend reminded me that I have depression and anxiety, and this can make it difficult for me to hear or feel the Spirit. This comment that was made in sacrament meeting reminded me of this, and reminded me that sometimes I don't have any control over it, but that there are things that I can do to help increase my reception of the Spirit.

In Relief Society, we talked about the talk "Consistent and Resilient Trust" by Elder L. Todd Budge from the October 2019 conference. We talked about how we can still be happy and find happiness, even when there is sorrow and life is rough. We also talked about how our sorrow and pain can change to joy/gladness because of our Savior. 

"Afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy IF we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us." Sorrow can help lead to growth, learning, and happiness if we trust in the Lord's plan for us. 

We can still have consistent trust in the Lord, no matter the circumstances. And we can still have moments of happiness, even when we are in times of sorrow. Because happiness is PEACE and JOY that comes from surrendering ourselves to God and putting our trust in Him in all things. So as we trust Him, we can be happy and have happiness. :)

I hope everyone has a great week! I have an orchestra concert tomorrow that I am super excited for! And it's just going to be a great week overall! I'm going to make it so that it is a phenomenal week! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Keep walking towards the Light–even when you can't see it.

I can't believe that it's November already! October just flew by! I am excited for the holidays! Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of my favorite holidays and they are next! And Frozen II comes out this month!!

This week, I've really been focusing on reading the Book of Mormon every day, and on working on my patience and my temper. Even though I wasn't perfect at it every day, I did make some progress, and I am grateful for the blessings that I saw in my life this week through my study of the Book of Mormon. I hope that I can be a bit better about my study this week, and that I can see some more improvement and blessings this week because of it.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to the temple, and I stayed longer than I normally do, but it was a blessing. I didn't really get a prompting or anything. Sitting there in the temple I just felt such peace. That wasn't the answer that I was looking for, really, but my friend said, "Maybe that is your answer", and I think she's right. I'll keep studying, pondering, and praying, but I will also move forward with faith. And if I need a little correction here and there, I know that God will direct me.

Today was Stake Conference for my stake. I really, really loved it!!

President Wilson talked about The Book of Mormon!! Which I thought was so cool since I've started rereading The Book of Mormon lately. He talked about how our testimony and relationship with Heavenly Father are tender. They are personal, and sweet, and between our Father in Heaven and us. He also talked about how we need to turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart and serve Him.

Sister Christofferson talked about how the Lord loves us so much! And she talked about how those who are called to minister (us) are part of the most important work. She talked about a meeting with some of the leaders of the Church, and she said that Sister Bonnie H. Cordon said that, "When you minister, don't try to impress them. Bless them." I loved that! Sometimes it's hard to just be there for someone, and to bless their lives. Sometimes you just want to give a big gesture to show how much you care for them. But you don't need to do it. You just need to bless them. Sister Christofferson said that sometimes it takes courage and love to minister others.

Bishop Shepherd talked about how we need to keep walking towards the Light–walking towards our Savior. Even when we can't see the Light. And even when we can't see our Savior.

Sister Freestone (the new matron of the Provo Temple) talked about how we need to make and keep sacred covenants. She asked a question: Do you know how much the Lord loves you? She just talked about His love for us, and how He loves us in such a personal and unique way.

President Freestone (the new president of the Provo Temple) talked about how we have divine origins, and how our Father in Heaven loves us. He talked about ways that we can come to know that our Father in Heaven really loves us:
  1. Focus on the Savior, and make Him the central part of your life.
  2. Take the Holy Spirit as your guide. Seek for things that invite the Spirit and avoid things that drive the Spirit away. We need to desire the Holy Ghost so much that we are acting in such a way that He can reside in and with us. 
  3. Come to the temple often. The ordinances of the temple provide the greatest blessings in life.
Sister Wright talked about how we all have something in our lives that is broken, and needs to be mended and healed. She also talked about how we can fix whatever it is with Him.

Sister Christensen talked about the question, "How can I have the Atonement in my life daily?" There are a few things that she said we can do to have the Atonement in our lives daily:

  1. We need to understand who the Savior is, and who we are.
  2. We need to seek the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.
  3. We need to understand that we need a Savior–for help in all things.
Elder Craig C. Christensen of the Seventy said that he goes through the temple questions each week. I think that this is a great idea and I am going to try it this week. That was just a small part of what he talked about. He talked about the difference between testimony and conversion. A testimony is knowing what is true. Conversion is living true to what you know to be true. Conversion is a process. 

Christ's life was never about Him. He was always focused on others. His outward service is a great example to us of how we can live our lives.

I am grateful for the messages of Stake Conference and for the chance that I had to attend the temple yesterday. I am grateful for the full-time senior missionaries in my stake who contacted me this last week and met with me today. They were so sweet and had such a great message for me.

I hope everyone has a fantastic week! It's the month of gratitude! Find something you're grateful for every day! God loves you and I love you too!

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Improving my relationship with Heavenly Father.

Today in Sacrament Meeting, I was reading the conference talk "Unwavering Commitment to Jesus Christ" by Elder Dale G. Renlund. I really loved this talk! I wrote down a few things that I was thinking about while I read the talk, and afterwards when I was pondering on what I had read. I hope that some of them will be helpful for others.

One question that I was pondering was, "What symbolic action can I do to show my commitment to Jesus Christ?" And while I was thinking about this, I realized that there are a LOT of things that I can do to show my commitment to Jesus Christ that I am not doing. I think that one thing I struggle with is that sometimes I try to do all of the things at the same time. And I can't actually handle that. So I need to stop trying to do everything all at once. And I need to start with ONE thing at a time. God understands where I am, and He understands what I can do. And as long as I am giving Him my all, that is enough. 

Elder Renlund said that, "Being 'converted unto the Lord' means leaving one course of action, directed by an old belief system, and adopting a new one based on faith in Heavenly Father's plan and in Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  
This change is more than an intellectual acceptance of gospel teachings. It shapes our identity, transforms our understanding of life’s meaning, and leads to unchanging fidelity to God. Personal desires that are contrary to being anchored to the Savior and to following the covenant path fade away and are replaced by a determination to submit to the will of Heavenly Father. 
Being converted unto the Lord starts with an unwavering commitment to God, followed by making that commitment part of who we are. Internalizing such a commitment is a lifelong process that requires patience and ongoing repentance. Eventually, this commitment becomes part of who we are, embedded in our sense of self, and ever present in our lives. Just as we never forget our own name no matter what else we are thinking about, we never forget a commitment that is etched in our hearts."
Every emphasis in the previous quote was added by me. Those are the most important parts to me right now. Conversion to the Lord is MORE than knowledge. Conversion to the Lord is a CHANGE. I think it's not a coincidence that we call it "being converted to the Lord" when "conversion" means, "the process of changing or causing something to change from one form to another". When we are converted–or working on it–we are working on becoming like Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. We are working to change from our current form into a better one. One that is more like God. And this is something that we need to be continuously doing.



So, after pondering "being converted unto the Lord", I began to ponder a new question. "How can I improve my relationship with Heavenly Father?" And I came up with a lot of personal ways that I can improve my relationship with Heavenly Father. It's different for everyone. Some of the ways that I have been thinking about involve more personal study and prayer. They involve writing in my journal, updating my blog...things that mean a lot to me, and are ways that help me think and ponder about my life, and about the Lord.

I think that as I am doing all of these things to begin to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father, all of the things that I have been struggling with, and that have stressed me out recently, my problems won't go away, but I will have the Lord with me, and I will be able to overcome them. As I serve those around me, I will be blessed with the capacity to love more and be more patient. My attitude, personality, and temper will improve, and I will have better mental health.

Xoxo
Mattie

Monday, October 21, 2019

A year of changes, learning, and growth.

So, the last couple of months/weeks, the main thing in my life that I have been focusing on is my finances. I have been working on trying to budget and save money so that I can stop living from paycheck to paycheck every few weeks when I have random expenses come up. I also want to build up a significant savings account for future unexpected incidents/expenses. I keep getting interrupted by life, and I keep discovering other ways to track my money and budget, so I haven't entirely gotten very far yet. πŸ˜‚

However, this has yet to deter me, as I keep trying to make notes of my finances. I think that I have been underestimating the amount of expenses that I actually have to pay every month, and so I keep getting low on funds because I think I have more money to work with than I do. 

I know that, as I have been watching my money usage, I have been blessed. I know that as I have paid my tithing first and foremost, I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life. Because somehow...even when I have thought that I didn't have enough...I figured out a way to make it work. 

I'm grateful for the little lessons in life, and for the little tender mercies. God has really been so good to me this year, I honestly can't even comprehend it. This year has probably been one of the craziest years in that I've had probably the greatest number of changes occurring in my life this year than in previous years, which has resulted in the greatest number of changes and the greatest amount of growth to myself. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, October 13, 2019

That's the point!

This week, I was on a spiritual high from last weekend. General Conference is my favorite time of the year, and I'm so glad we have two conferences every year! I am very excited that the talks are now on the Gospel Library App so I can study them in preparation for next conference!

I was teaching my kiddos how to play "Pin the tail on the (Puppy)" (this week our theme was 'pets'; hence, the 'puppy' instead of 'donkey'), and as I was blindfolding one of my kids, he says to me, "I can't see!" I said, "That's the point." Later, when it was my turn, I said something similar to "I can't see" and he says, "That's the point!" And all the rest of my kiddos chime in with, "That's the point!" And I about died laughing! These kids are so funny and make me laugh every day!

As I was thinking about that experience this weekend, I had a thought. I was thinking about the Gospel, and how trials are really hard, and learning and growing as a person are really hard, and that thought came to my mind again, "That's the point!" The point of this life is to experience trials, and to learn and grow. The point of this life is to love God, and love your neighbors. The point of this life is to make the world a better place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm full of gratitude for this last week. General Conference was amazing, and I've had a fairly amazing week at work. I'm trying to figure out what I'm wanting with my life, and how I can improve myself. I've recently started re-reading the Book of Mormon, and I want to be done by Christmas. It has helped me every day that I've read a chapter or two. I've been calmer, happier, and more at peace as I've read my scriptures each day this week. I'm grateful for the messages of General Conference last week, and I'm grateful for the chance that I have to re-read, listen to, or watch the sessions again for the next six months. I am really hoping that I can become a better person as I keep reading my scriptures every day, and as I study the talks from this last conference. 

I am trying to remember every day to be better. To be more patient, loving, and kind. To let go of the little things that are inconsequential and don't matter. It's hard when I don't understand the why behind things, and I think that doesn't help me be more patient and kind. 

I'm grateful for a God who gives me love and peace when I need it, and even when I don't know that I need it. I'm grateful for a God who reminds me that there is more to this life than meets the eye, and of that wonderful plan that He has in store for me. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, October 6, 2019

My best is enough.

General Conference weekend has come and gone, and it flew by! I can't believe that it's already over! I am so grateful for all of the messages that were shared this weekend and for the answers that I received this weekend. I am grateful for a God who knows me and loves me, and I am grateful for His living prophet, President Russell M. Nelson. He is an amazing man, with a good, kind heart, and he has a love for this gospel, and for the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that is inspiring.

I am so grateful for the chance that I had to go to Salt Lake City yesterday and watch conference in the Joseph Smith Memorial building with my boyfriend, and then walk around Temple Square for a bit before heading back down to Lehi. It was an amazing conference, and I am so grateful for the messages that were spoken, and for the answers that I didn't even know I was looking for! God works in mysterious ways, and I sure am grateful for that!

This weekend was amazing! It was the first time in all of my life that I didn't have any homework or anything to do in between sessions (that I can remember). I just got to focus on conference! It was sooo nice!

I'm grateful for the messages of love that I heard this weekend! And for the messages of support. Lately I feel like all I have been able to do is try my best, and this weekend, I got the answer that that is enough. As the days and weeks press on, I will try to improve each day, but I know that no matter what, it is enough that I will be trying.

I'm looking forward to this upcoming week at work! We're going to be making cookies in class on Thursday that are animal shaped and the kids don't even know it! It's going to be a blast! If anyone has any fun ideas for "In The Fall" (which is our next theme) I'd love some! I've got a few ideas but would love another perspective!

God is wonderful! I am grateful for the peace and love that I feel as I listen to conference, as I attend church meetings, as I go to the temple, and as I am surrounded by my friends and family. My life is not perfect in any way shape or form, but it's perfect for me.

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, September 29, 2019

One thing at a time.

I am happy to say that my cold is slowly disappearing!! Today I have felt the most amazing I have felt in the last three weeks!! I'm so blessed, too, because today I was singing in sacrament meeting, so I needed my voice at its utmost best today. And the musical number was absolutely beautiful!! We sang "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" and I am soo grateful for my friends who accompanied me on the piano and flute! It was a wonderful experience and it really brought the Spirit.

Yesterday, my aunt and uncle were able to be sealed to their newly adopted daughter, and I was lucky enough to be able to go. It was such a beautiful experience and I am so glad that I got to be there. It was a special experience.

During sacrament meeting, the speakers talked about challenges. One speaker said that God teaches us during small challenges to help us during bigger challenges. I really liked this. Because it is really true. He teaches us line upon line, precept on precept. And it only makes sense that He teaches us during small challenges how to deal with our bigger challenges.

For example, I recently FINALLY have almost finishing getting over biting my nails!! I've been working on this for YEARS! And only in the last few weeks have I super focused on my goal, and made it work! I don't know why it has taken me so long, and of course, I'm going to have to focus on it really hard if I want to make sure that I don't bite my nails again, but I'm sure that I can do it. For the first time in a long time, I actually have nails, and I am SO determined to keep them.

Anyway, looking back at my experience with biting my nails, I can learn lots of things. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you just have to keep. trying. I have tried so many things over the years, and they haven't always worked. So many times, I have wanted to give up. Sometimes, I did. I thought, "This is too hard. This is impossible. I can't do it." And I stopped for a time. And then I would want to try again. And it was a giant roller coaster of ups and downs. I kept going, kept trying.

As I have thought about this, I've decided that this can apply to many things in life, and I want to try to apply it in my life better. Right now, I am struggling at work. I think it's because I have had a lot of influx and outflow of children in my classroom, and so they dynamic of my room has been changing every week, so the kids are probably going a little nuts. Frankly, I understand where they're coming from. I also am going a little nuts. It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and I am not sure how the next couple of weeks are going to go, but I am certain that as I focus on one thing at a time, and as I focus on making sure that my kiddos understand that I love them, I think that the next few weeks will be better.

I know that I can't do this alone. I think one thing that has made it difficult these last few weeks is that I haven't exactly been asking for as much help as I've needed. I'm going to try better this week to improve at asking for help when I need it–and even before I need it.



One of the speakers in sacrament meeting today shared this quote, and I needed its reminder today. Honestly, these last few weeks, I have wanted to quit my job. It has been way hard and very taxing on my body & soul. I have thought that I can't do this and that I'm not cut out for it. But I have kept going because I don't have anything else to do right now. My friend this weekend told me that I can do this! She believes in me, and she thinks I am cut out for this. She said it gets easier with time, and I hope she's right (she is). I just need to remember to focus on one thing at a time. Which is really how I have been getting over biting my nails–one nail at a time. Who knew such a small trial would impact how I get through much bigger trials? God sure did. I'm glad that He is on my side because with Him, I will not become lost. 

Have a wonderful week! God loves you, and so do I! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, September 22, 2019

God always gives us blessings–especially when we're sick.

What a week this has been! I have been sick with a cold, and it has made me extremely tired all week! But I have been able to see God's hand in my life every day this week. I was able to wake up early enough every morning to get to work on time, and I've been able to drink lots of water this week. I've been taking some medicine randomly, but this week I'm going to try to take it more routinely and help my body kick this sickness!

In other news, I've been learning and growing a lot this week at work. I had to be more patient than normal (because sick Mattie apparently canNOT deal with things that make her impatient), and I had to work all week through my cold and headaches that occurred nearly every day. The worst part is that every other day was good, and every other day was bad. So some days I felt like I was getting better, and then other days I was almost worse than I was before. It has been a tough week. I think that I was able to rein in my emotions this week, so my kids didn't really notice anything off about me, which is good.

I was thinking about the story of the Prodigal Son in the New Testament earlier this week, and it reminded me of something my New Testament professor this last year said. He said that it should really be called the story of the Prodigal Sons because the son that stayed home also was a little lost. When his brother came back, he was jealous of all the attention he was getting, and of the party that his father threw for him just because he came home. I made a post on my Facebook page for this blog about it, and you can find that link here.

I am really grateful that I was able to make it through this week. I'm grateful for the love and peace I've felt from my Father in Heaven, and from some of my friends. Despite my sickness, and the headaches and such, this week was pretty good, and full of happiness. As I listened to conference talks and read my scriptures, I felt like the Lord was proud of me, and that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I am hoping that I will be feeling better by the end of this week, because I don't want to spend the whole season sick!

I'm grateful for the power of the priesthood, and that my dad is always willing to give me a blessing. I am grateful for my family, and for the love and support that they give me, and for the fun times that we have together. I am grateful for my friends, and for their love and support, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love. I am grateful for my Savior, and for His love and sacrifice. I am grateful that He was willing to sacrifice His life so that we could return to live with our Father in Heaven someday.

Sorry this week's post is so short! I am just very tired and need to go rest some more! I hope that everyone has an amazing week this week!! I love you and am praying for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Keeping an eternal perspective.

Today in sacrament meeting, the speakers talked about keeping an eternal perspective. I thought they had some really great messages.

One of the ways to help us keep an eternal perspective is that we have to remember who we are. We are children of God, and He loves us.

Another way is to keep the Holy Ghost with us. In a quote read by the first speaker, Sister Sheri Dew said, "Our challenge is not one of getting the Lord to speak to us. Our problem is hearing what He has to say. He has promised, “As often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit” (D&C 6:14)." We must be confident in our first promptings from the Holy Ghost.

God's plan for us is often fluid, and can be an adventure. Sometimes we can be confident that God wants us heading in one direction, and then later He can be directing us down a different path in a different direction. But He doesn't tell us all the answers every time.

The third way is to remember that it's a doubles match. God is in our court. We are supported by Him, and He will help us as we move forward.

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Asking "why" never takes away the hard things. Life gets crazy. Sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the sailor.

In the talk "Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing", Elder Bednar said he asked Elder Neal A. Maxwell what lessons he learned through his illness (he had leukemia) and he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.” Just as Jesus shrank not to drink the bitter cup, we, too, can shrink not to drink the bitter cup. It's like taking medicine–it tastes terrible, but you need to take it in order to get better. We need to "drink the bitter cup" and stand tall. God is with us, and He will help us through it all.

"Trial" in the medical world has a positive connotation. As you go through trials, you are getting closer and closer to the answers. "Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people. Each study answers scientific questions and tries to find better ways to prevent, screen for, diagnose, or treat a disease." Trials that we go through in our lives are testing that helps us develop our faith and testimony. The variety of experiences and challenges that we go through is for our growth. Living the Gospel gives us the support and understanding we need to get through this life. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! God loves you! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Thy will be done.

Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of the death of one of my dear friends. It never gets easier. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in high school, I was sad the whole day, and I have the greatest friends who just hugged me and let me cry. I had literally just gone to see her the previous Monday because it was Labor day and I just wanted to see her. I just spent 15 or 20 minutes with her, and I didn't really speak until the last few minutes as I told her a little about my life and then said "I love you" and "Goodbye" but oh, how I could feel her spirit, and the Spirit of the Lord!!

She was such an amazing example to me of Christlike love, and of a Christlike heart and spirit. Some days it doesn't seem real that she is gone, but she is. I am grateful for the time I had with her, and for the love she gave me, and for the happiness that she brought to the world, and to my life. She had the biggest heart and loved so much!! I still feel her every so often in life.

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This week is going to be a little crazy–I've got a lot going on–but I know that God blesses us as we put Him first, so this week I am going to do my best to put Him first, no matter what. It might be challenging, but challenges lead to growth, and that is what we are here for–to learn and grow. 

I am so blessed to be where I am right now. It might be a little stressful and overwhelming at times, but I know that God is with me and He knows who and what I need in my life. No one is perfect but they can be perfectly what I need. 

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"Thy will be done." This is a hard thing for me to accept sometimes, and I know that we all struggle with it at times. Today I was thinking during the sacrament about what kinds of things I can do to help me accept the Lord's will. One thing that I was thinking about was that as we recognize the Lord's hand in not only our life, but in the lives of those around us, we can come to see that He has a plan for each of us. He has a timeline for all of us that leads to our learning and growth. 

As we live our lives and move forward, making decisions and choices according to what we desire, and according to what the Lord would have us do, we can come to see that His will is greater than ours, and that we can come to know and understand some parts of His plan for us. This can help us to begin to try to accept those parts of His plan that we do not always understand. 

Sometimes I don't understand my path, or my weaknesses. I don't understand how they have helped me or will help me grow. And that's okay. It took me a long time to realize that. It's okay not to know why. As long as I know that my Savior is there for me, and that I am here on this Earth to help love His sheep–Heavenly Father's children–and that I am here to help increase the love in the world, I know that He will help me. As I study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, the talks of our Church leaders, and visit the temple, I know that the Lord will help me understand what He needs me to do. 

Life is challenging–sometimes it's more challenging than other times–but I know that God is always with me, and I know that He has a plan to help me learn and grow. 

I know that I am where I need to be right now, and I know that I am being stretched in many ways. I know that I am growing and I know that I am becoming someone who my Heavenly Father can be proud of. 

I hope you all have a great week! Know that I pray for you every day and you are always in my heart and in my thoughts! God loves you and I love you! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, September 1, 2019

There is no end to second chances.

Each and every day is different. So the person I am each and every day needs to be different. I need to be able to adapt to the changes and challenges of the day. I can do so with the help of my Savior. If I fail, I can get back up and try again because there is no end to second chances.

I am so thankful for the chance I have each week to repent and try again. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to become aware of the changes that I need to make in my life. I am grateful for a God who loves me enough to kindly let me know that I am not doing as much as I should or could be, and that I need to make a change. I am grateful that He gives me so many opportunities and chances to start again.

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I am grateful for the blessings of the temple. I was thinking this week about my experience in the temple last Saturday, and how much love and peace I felt. I didn't go with a specific question or thought to ponder, and the questions that I thought about briefly in the temple didn't seem so important. I think that it was just important for me to recognize that feeling of love and peace, and that God is proud of me no matter what.

Sometimes I feel distanced from Him, but when I look back on these moments when I felt the Spirit, and when I felt the Lord's love, I am reminded that He is far nearer than I ever imagined. He is in every flower, every creature, every moment of love and happiness, and in every second chance.

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I was reading in Moroni 7 earlier this week and I was thinking about how important faith, hope, and charity are to our lives. Faith and hope lead to charity, and without charity–which is the pure love of Christ–I think that life is almost meaningless. The first great commandment is to love God, and the second is to love thy neighbor as thyself. LOVE is the first great commandment. I am so grateful that I have a heart that is always willing and open to loving and caring for those around me because I have learned a lot about God and myself as I have loved and cared for those around me. More than I would if I didn't have a heart that is so open to loving and serving those around me.

Hope you have a wonderful week!! God loves you, and I love you!

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Purposeful change.

I can't believe this is the last week of August!! Where has the time gone?? There are 120 days left til Christmas–that's four months!! I still feel like we just finished January!

I'm starting to get really excited for this week at work! I'm hoping to make some Gak today that the kiddos will be able to make shapes out of. I want to color it different colors (because our theme is shapes and colors) but somehow we only have green food coloring, and I used that for a different activity last week, so I don't want them to have just green things hahaha–there are more colors than that! So we'll see! Maybe I'll make my own food coloring somehow! (Just kidding...I looked it up and it's waaaay more complicated than I thought it would be!). I am really grateful for my job! And I am grateful for my kiddos and for their willingness to give me a chance. One of my kiddos has never called me Miss Mattie before this week–he has only ever called me Teacher, and I almost cried when he called me Miss Mattie! I sure hope that I am changing these kids' lives, because they are definitely changing mine!

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I went to the temple yesterday and I had such a wonderful time. I often go in with a question or thought to ponder, but yesterday I didn't and I just felt so much peace. When I was sitting in the celestial room, I was trying to ponder some questions I thought of while sitting there but all I felt was peace, and that I didn't need to worry right now. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to live near so many temples and I am grateful for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father every time I am near.

Every day this week, I've been listening to conference talks, and I took note of some of my favorite things that were said. I'd like to share two quotes that I loved from Sister Michelle Craig's talk "Divine Discontent":

  • "Being more does not equate with doing more." 
  • "Divine discontent leads to humility."
I remember specifically loving these quotes when I first heard them in conference as well, and I thought about why these quotes specifically stick out to me. 

I think that that first quote really stands out to me because sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough–I feel like I am not good enough. So I try to do more things...but honestly, that does nothing, just like the quote says. I need to be content with the efforts that I am making and recognize that they are good enough! And they are helping me be enough. The efforts that I make to try and be more like Christ, and to help those around me, are perfect for me. They are perfect in helping me grow, and in helping those around me. Because when I am working with Christ, my efforts are perfected. 

As for the second quote, Sister Craig goes on to say that, "Discontent becomes divine when we humbly approach Jesus Christ with our want, rather than hold back in self-pity." 

Heavenly Father will multiply our efforts to be enough. There have been many times where I did something so small and simple and was even slightly embarrassed to have done it, but later was informed that it had meant so much to a friend and that they really appreciated it. 

As I turn to my Savior, humbly pleading for His help and guidance, I will be able to rise above and have divine discontent. I will be able to accept that I am not enough by myself, but that with Him, I am. 

I am grateful for the experiences that I have had this week! I had a conversation with a friend the other night that was very humbling, and made me realize a lot of things. I am trying to work very hard on owning my feelings, and realizing that I have a choice as to how I feel. It's hard work to change my feelings, especially when they feel so ingrained in me, but I know that with His help, I can do it. For were there not many people in the Book of Mormon who hardened their hearts, but later repented and turned to the Lord? (Not that my heart is hardened–just trying to show that it's not impossible to change your feelings). 

As I look back over the last few months, and my time at work, I can see how my feelings towards certain things have changed by accident–just through living life. How much more can my feelings towards things change if I turn to the Lord and purposefully try to change my feelings? I hope that it's a lot! Purposeful change, to me, is more personal and sweet because it shows that I am making the choices to change. They are not just happening to me, I am choosing them.

Grateful for a God who lets me see my flaws and know what things I need to change! I'm also grateful that He is very much aware and involved in how, when, and what I need to change! I'm so thankful that the Most Divine Being in the universe allows me to change and try to be like Him! πŸ’œ

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Answers to prayers.

Today I made a conscious effort to write down the things that I want to improve on this week. Most of them are personal, so I will not share them, but I will say that one improvement I want to make is to be able to be more patient with my kiddos at work. Sometimes it is exhausting trying to teach them and get them to listen, and I get frustrated a lot, but I want to be better at being patient and more loving towards them.

During the sacrament, I was thinking about how grateful I am for the Atonement, and for the chance to repent and start again. For the chance to press the reset button and try again. Every week I need to try again. So I am grateful for my Savior, who has given me the chance to do so.

In Sunday School, someone brought up the fact that God has a measuring stick for each of us, and I thought that that was really inspiring. We measure ourselves differently than He does, and there are a few moments where we measure things similarly to Him, but more often than not, His measures are different than ours. 

Despite the fact that I will not be starting school this week or in a few weeks like some people, I am still feeling very stressed about the fact that I am teaching! I'm grateful for the opportunity, I really am, but sometimes I don't feel very capable or even worthy to teach these kiddos. It amazes me each and every day how I even got here.

Friday was a different day at work–we had to do some makeshift stuff and move kids around. My kids all got moved, and one of my kids got moved to a different class and he had a really hard time. It broke my heart when I went in to give one of my coworkers a break because he was crying and also so happy to see me because he thought we were going back to class. When I left, he was still crying. Somehow this experience was all sorts of heartbreaking. One: he was so sad, and I couldn't help him feel less sad. 2) When I walked in, he was so happy to see me. It broke my heart because I was so sad to see him sad, but I was so happy that I was someone that he was starting to feel comfortable with. 

Lately I've been reading/listening to General Conference talks, and this week I read "Answers to Prayer" by Elder Brook P. Hales, and he said, "Brothers and sisters, sometimes our prayers are answered quickly with the outcome we hope for. Sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way we hope for, yet with time we learn that God had greater blessings prepared for us than we initially anticipated. And sometimes our righteous petitions to God will not be granted in this life." 

Right now, I feel like my prayers are not being answered in the way that I hoped they would be, and I am trying to learn to be okay with that but it's harder than I expected it would be. I'm looking into adding new hobbies to my repertoire and I have a few ideas but absolutely no idea how to do them yet. But first, I have to tackle my room. I've been working on it all summer but I've also been busy all summer so it is taking me longer than I planned, but I am hopeful that I will be able to get it done this week if I work on it every day after work.

Then, once my physical life (work, my room, etc.) is prepared and all cleaned up, I can work on adding new hobbies. Slowly, and one at a time. And who knows, maybe I won't be able to get into the hobbies I'm thinking about right now, but maybe they'll open my eyes to other hobbies.

I am grateful for friends who are the answers to my prayers, and I am grateful for a God who knows the people and answers that I need. I am lucky to have so many amazing and wonderful people in my life and I am grateful for the blessings that they are in my life, and for the blessings that they add to my life.

I know that God loves me, and I know that He is looking out for me. In His own special way, He is making sure that I have what I need in life. 

Hopefully this week goes well for us all! Good luck with those who are dealing with back to school stuff–you got this!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Becoming okay with being me.

The best part of this week was when my kiddos at work hugged me goodbye as I was walking out the door on Thursday. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯° They'd never done that before and it made me feel really special, and like I've been making progress with getting them to feel comfortable with me. πŸ’œ

The next best part of this week was when I was talking with a friend and had the realization of how precious time is, and how much of a gift it is. πŸ’œ

The next best part of this week was when I had the opportunity to go to the temple and one of the temple workers said I looked like a little porcelain doll and thanked me for my service that day. She was such a sweet woman who made me feel like I was loved and seen, and I know she was a blessing from my Heavenly Father. πŸ’œ

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Life isn't easy. Sometimes life is very hard. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward even when I feel very stuck. It's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, and every day presents new challenges. But as I keep my covenants, and turn to the Lord, I know that in time, things will work out.

In time, things will make sense. In time, I won't feel so stuck. "In time" has been one of my least favorite sayings recently, but I have recently realized that it can be a blessing. Now, I say this, and know it, but during the week, when things pop up, it becomes harder for me to remember. This happens a lot, actually, with lots of different things, and I can't figure out why, nor how I can help myself fix it. I've tried everything that I can think of, and still nothing has worked yet.

I think that what I have planned for my personal scripture study this week will help, but if not...I will keep going. I'll try again. Because something is bound to work. God doesn't want me to be sad, or feel stuck, and neither do I. So I will just try again.

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You know, I spent some time at one of my old YSA wards today, and as I was sitting outside, looking at the pool, I had a flashback to a little more than two years ago, when I was really struggling to find my purpose and feel needed. There were more times than I can count where I wondered what it would be like if I just sank to the bottom of the pool. It scared me to have those thoughts, but it just didn't seem like I was making a difference, that I was important, or that I was needed.

{Now, I recognize that those feelings weren't normal, and that I was experiencing depression. But at the time, it didn't occur to me that those feelings weren't normal. I thought I was just sad, and it was a weird sad. Technically, I was right, in a way. Depression is a weird sad.}

As I stared at the pool, I realized that I've come a long way. I'm no longer the scared 20-year-old sophomore/junior at BYU who felt like she didn't fit into the world. Now I'm the scared 22-year-old college graduate who feels like she still doesn't fit into the world. πŸ˜‰

In all seriousness, I am still scared, and sometimes I feel like I don't fit into the world, but I'm becoming okay with that. I've realized that I don't need to fit into the world. I need to stand out from the world. And I think I do a pretty decent job at that most of the time. So I just need to remind myself that sometimes I don't fit in, and that's okay. There are some things that I don't understand about myself. And I don't know if I'll come to understand them in the near future. But in the meantime, I'm trying to. And that's all I can do.

I thank God every day that I'm finally at a place where I feel more comfortable to be myself. I don't always feel comfortable to completely be myself, but most of the time, I feel comfortable to be most of myself. And for that, I'm grateful. Because there was a time where I hated myself, and I couldn't be myself because I thought that I was annoying, and obnoxious, and too much. Sometimes I still feel like that, I'm not going to lie, but I've realized that I don't need to let other people's opinions of me define who I am. I am perfectly fine the way I am, and God loves me for who I am. πŸ₯°πŸ’œ

I hope that this week is a good one for you! Find something new each day to be intrigued by, and find someone new to bless. I know that God lives, and that He loves you. I know that He has a wonderful plan for you! I know you will do amazing things. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, August 4, 2019

"Live by faith, not by fear."


"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, July 28, 2019

He has the most perfect plan for me.

Okay, so this week was super interesting! It started off normal, but on Tuesday I got the news that I will be taking over the preschool classroom at work! I am very nervous but also very excited! I also received my college diploma in the mail on Tuesday! It is now official–I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!

Tuesday was honestly such a blessing, because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose. These last couple of weeks/months have been really hard for me in many ways, but receiving my diploma and getting to teach the three-year-olds at work is a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.

In Relief Society today, we discussed the General Conference talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund.

We talked about how we don't earn blessings, but we do have to qualify for them. We also don't get to  pick and choose the blessings we get. God gives us the blessings that we need–and also when we need them. Elder Renlund said, "Blessings are never earned, but faith-inspired actions on our part, both initial and ongoing, are essential."

Blessings come on God's timetable–even if we are qualified. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn by waiting. We have to have faith, and patience. It's hard. Really it is. There are things that I want more than anything in the world but am unable to have right now and it's HARD to have faith. It's HARD to have patience. It's HARD to trust that God knows best and that everything will work out in the end.

But I was talking with some friends this week, and they gave me some really good advice. One of my friends said, "We can have lives tailor-made for us by the One who sees it all...God is still looking out for you, regardless of how content you are with your life." I really loved that. I need to trust Him because it's not up to me. It's in His hands. He has the most perfect plan for me, and He is looking out for me–even when I'm upset and confused about what is going on in my life.

I've been seeing His hand a lot in my life this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can make a difference. I feel like I can actually do some good. I'm terrified beyond explanation to teach, but I am grateful for not only an amazing boss who is willing to help me as I'm trying to get ready to start to teach these kiddos next week, but I'm grateful for an amazing God who is blessing me with opportunities to grow. Even when I doubt Him sometimes. Even when I doubt myself. Even when I don't really understand why I am going through what I am going through. He is giving me opportunities to work on myself, and to work on trusting Him. I'm learning to live in the moment and live for myself.

I'm really grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that He still loves and blesses me even when I do not always entirely trust Him. I am trying to be better about trusting Him, and seeing that there are good things about my life each and every day. I am not perfect, and every day I struggle with lots of different things–sometimes the same things each day. But I am trying to be better. And I know that even if my trust in God is growing by baby steps, it is still growing. And I know that that is all He asks of me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! July is almost over, and August is almost here! It's so weird to think that I won't be going back to school as a student! I'm really excited for this next chapter in my life–terrified, yes, but excited.

Xoxo
Mattie

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Every day, I just have to remember.

It is good to be home! New York was really fun but I am grateful to be home.

I learned a lot about myself while I was in New York, and today in church I learned a lot about God, personal revelation, and trials.

I saw this post on Facebook the other week that I absolutely loved.

In Psalm 23:5 it says, "thou anointest my head with oil". The post on Facebook said
“Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply! His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always! There is peace in the valley! May our good, good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings! God is good and He is faithful!!” ~Author Unknown
I loved this post! How this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'anointing'. It is a protection against things that can harm us. We use oil to anoint the heads of those that are sick in order to bless them, but it is still a protection. It is used to give a blessing, and is used for protection against further illness, injury, etc.

I really love the idea that we are the Lord's sheep. He is our Shepherd–which means He anoints us to protect us. If we are lost, He will leave those who are not lost to find us. He wants us to be safe, and knows that we are safe in numbers. Which is why He has given us families. Neighborhoods. Wards. Stakes. He has given us places and groups of people where we can be loved, cared for, and safe. We are His flock, and He has made sure that we are surrounded with people who love and care for us.

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Today in Sunday School we were reading in Acts 10, and in verse 15, it says, "What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." I loved this!! Because I have been cleansed. I am not common. I am a child of God. He has blessed me and forgiven me and given me what I need to do to bless His children. It is not my job to judge others–or even myself. That is His job. If He says I am clean, then I am clean.

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I was talking with a friend about life things, and she shared with me a story that I loved and I wanted to share it with you:

'There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. 
BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO 

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."'

I really loved this story. The Lord has asked me to push–He has asked me to be obedient. He has asked me to keep my covenants. He has asked me to sacrifice and serve. He has asked me to trust in Him. That is what I am to do. He will move the rock. 

My friend also said something else that I loved. She reminded me that not only did I make a covenant with the Lord, but HE MADE A COVENANT WITH ME. He covenanted that He will be with me, no matter what. Even when I cannot perceive Him–for whatever reason–He is still there. He is still with me. He is still right beside me. 

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Right now, I cannot see what's ahead of me. A lot of the time, this really frustrates me. Especially when I am trying to ask God for help, and I cannot seem to hear His reply. But my task is to push. My task is to trust. My task is to have faith. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems as if I am not getting an answer. Even when I cannot seem to see or hear Him. Because His task is to make it move. He made a covenant with me that He will be there. I made a covenant that I will be there for other people, and that I will remember Him. He made a covenant that He will be there. 

All of this is easier said than done sometimes.

I feel like I know all this...but applying it is difficult.

My anxiety doesn't help. My depression doesn't help. Not receiving an answer makes me feel lost and alone. Even when it's a close friend. Logically I know that there is a reason for their lack of–or late–response. Logically I know that God is there but He might have something for me to learn. But my depression whispers, "You aren't worthy of their love. You aren't worth their time. They don't really want to be there for you." My anxiety whispers, "Are you sure they are your friend? Is this how friends act?"

It is a constant battle. My faith is trying to remind me that God keeps His promises, but my anxiety and depression are trying to tell me that He keeps His promises to everyone else. But that is not true. He keeps His promises to me. 

This is my trial. I have anxiety and depression, and this can lead to trust issues. This can lead to me not hearing God. This can lead to me questioning the direction I am going. This can lead to me questioning if I am really loved. This can lead to me wanting to just stop existing, and to just end all of the turmoil and pain. This can lead to me believing and thinking that I am alone. 

But this is my blessing. I have been led to people who love me–despite my issues (that are, in all honesty, not as terrible as my brain leads me to believe). I have been led to people who listen to my problems when I am struggling. I have been led to people who know that sometimes all I need is reassurance that I am loved, and that I am doing okay. I have been led to people who were exactly what I needed when I met them–and who are exactly what I need when I turn to them. 

Life is hard. Especially when a lot of your problems stem from your own brain. Every day I am trying to remind myself that I am loved, that God is there, and that I am doing okay. Some days, I'm ecstatic to go to work, to see all the kids, and to teach them and learn from them! Some days, it is all I can do to get out of bed. 

Every day is a new adventure...and sometimes it's not a good adventure. But every day...I am pushing. Sometimes I am pushing with all my might, and sometimes my might isn't as much as it was the other day. That is okay. Pushing gets tiring. As long as I am doing my best, it's good enough. Because all God asks of me is to push. Push ahead. Push through. Push past. Push with all my might. He never asked me to move the rock. Because that is His job. He wants me to obey. So even when I don't understand, I push. Even when I don't understand, I do His will. Because someday it will all make sense. At least, that is what He tells me. And–despite my brain's insistence that I can't trust Him–I do. I trust Him with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. Every day, I just have to remember.

Xoxo
Mattie