Shining bright with hope.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated my blog. I'm sorry about that. Life has been crazy and hectic. Things have been changing almost every day and it's been stressing me out, and I needed to take a breather.

Over the last few weeks, I have had a lot going on. I have had the opportunity to move into my new apartment, where Ricky will be joining me on May 20th when we are married. I have had the stress of a new job, which keeps changing things almost every day, and it's very hard to keep track of sometimes. And I have still been finalizing weddings plans. We were kind of counting on being able to use the church's cultural hall, but that is no longer an option. Instead, we will be getting married in my parents' front yard, and we are trying to figure out how to do a Facebook live or Zoom call or something like that so that Ricky's parents can participate, as well as any other extended family and friends of ours that would like to participate.

Today, the Church released that they are opening some temples in Utah for live sealings of previously endowed members. Ricky and I fall into this category. While I would much like to wait until we can invite so many more of our family and friends, as the future is unknown and we don't know when that would be, we are going to try to be sealed as soon as possible. While I am unsure yet how many guests we can have, I am sure it will be no more than 20, as that is the state's current number for "groups".

I am not going to lie, I am kind of super disappointed and sad. This whole experience has just been STRESSFUL for me. I haven't been able to really enjoy my time being engaged. My wedding plans have been changing on the daily, and I don't even know what's happening anymore. The minute that some temples were announced as being reopened for previously endowed members of the Church to be sealed as husband and wife, EVERYONE I know was sending me the link to the article, and asking if that changed things. I am not going to lie–I cried on my lunch break today because I was so overwhelmed and stressed. I was just about ready to relax because everything was pretty much done for the wedding–we just needed to buy Ricky's tie, probably some wedding decorations, and get/make food for the wedding brunch–and then the temples reopened and added a new element for me to think on.

I am really trying not to stress about this, but it is just so much more emotionally and mentally taxing for me than I thought it would be. I am grateful that I have Ricky to lean on. He has been so amazing through everything. I am so lucky to be the one that he chooses everyday, and I am so grateful that I get to choose him every day. It's the best and easiest choice I've ever made in my entire life. He is the brightest spot in my life when things are dark. He is always shining bright, and I love that about him.

Photo Credit: Beyond The Darkroom Photography

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In Elder L. Whitney Clayton's General Conference talk in April 2013 "Marriage: Watch and Learn", he gives some great marriage advice that I loved.

"First, I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth. They both leave their fathers and mothers and set out together to build a marriage that will prosper for eternity. They understand that they walk a divinely ordained path. They know that no other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement. Watch and learn: the best marriage partners regard their marriages as priceless.

Next, faith. Successful eternal marriages are built on the foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and adherence to His teachings. I have observed that couples who have made their marriages priceless practice the patterns of faith: they attend sacrament and other meetings every week, hold family home evening, pray and study the scriptures together and as individuals, and pay an honest tithing. Their mutual quest is to be obedient and good. They do not consider the commandments to be a buffet from which they can pick and choose only the most appealing offerings.

Faith is the foundation of every virtue that strengthens marriage. Strengthening faith strengthens marriage. Faith grows as we keep the commandments, and so do the harmony and joy in marriage. Thus, keeping the commandments is fundamental to establishing strong eternal marriages. Watch and learn: faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the foundation of happy eternal marriages.

Third, repentance. I have learned that happy marriages rely on the gift of repentance. It is an essential element in every good marital relationship. Spouses who regularly conduct honest self-examination and promptly take needed steps to repent and improve experience a healing balm in their marriages. Repentance helps restore and maintain harmony and peace.

Humility is the essence of repentance. Humility is selfless, not selfish. It doesn’t demand its own way or speak with moral superiority. Instead, humility answers softly and listens kindly for understanding, not vindication. Humility recognizes that no one can change someone else, but with faith, effort, and the help of God, we can undergo our own mighty change of heart. Experiencing the mighty change of heart causes us to treat others, especially our spouses, with meekness. Humility means that both husbands and wives seek to bless, help, and lift each other, putting the other first in every decision. Watch and learn: repentance and humility build happy marriages.

Fourth, respect. I have observed that in wonderful, happy marriages, husbands and wives treat each other as equal partners. Practices from any place or any time in which husbands have dominated wives or treated them in any way as second-class partners in marriage are not in keeping with divine law and should be replaced by correct principles and patterns of behavior."

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I am so excited to be Ricky's partner and equal in life. I am so excited to go shopping every other weekend with him. I am so excited to discuss dinner options for the week. I am so excited to wake up next to him every morning. I am so excited to be able to study our scriptures and pray together in our own home. I am so excited to be able to create our life and family together. I am so excited to be able to grow closer together and grow closer to God together. I am so excited to be able to move forward in life with him by my side. Together, I know that we will be able to make our way through this crazy adventure called life together. 

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed me in so many ways. I am so grateful for the examples that I have to look up to in my life of great marriages. I am grateful for the wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive and loving. Even though things keep changing on me, and it is stressful, I am learning to work through them. I am learning to take things one thing at a time. Some days, I don't always remember that. But each day is something new. Each day is different. Each day is a blessing. And I know that I am never alone.

Xoxo

Mattie

"Live by faith, not by fear."

"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

As we take time for Him, He makes time for us.

In thinking about all the things that I have had to do the last couple of weeks, and how low-key stressed it has made me, I am surprised I haven't had a meltdown yet. Haha I'm just kidding! But seriously, I am surprised that I have remained relatively as calm as I have. I have realized lately that I am often struggling to balance between all of the things on my to-do list. Trying to find the perfect balance is difficult, and takes a lot of time.

So what can we do? What can be done to help us balance between all of the good things in our lives?

Well, I am going to tell you some of the things that I do that help alleviate some of the stress, and help me balance my week.

First, I write everything down in my planner. I write down what, where, and when. If I need to take anything with me, I write that down, too. Any appointments, any meetings, all of my classes, all of my work shifts–all of it. Under my classes, I write down the homework due for that day, so I can know what I have to do. Sometimes there are specific times the homework is due, so I'll write that down, too.

Second, I determine what is most important. What can I absolutely not get away with skipping this week? What can I delay doing for a short time? Generally, I work on larger or more time-consuming school projects first, and then I work on the leftovers (which is usually just reading assignments). I make notes in my journal about what I am doing first–I actually haven't tried colors, but I just had an idea to try highlighting the most important things. That's a good idea. I'll have to try that.

Third, I have to put away all distractions. This is the hardest one, I feel like. Our world is full of distractions, and it's hard to put them away sometimes. But I have discovered a few cool tricks.

The first one is for my computer. I discovered that Safari has an extension that helps me. It's called "Waste No Time", and you can find more information here. You can either block specific websites forever, or you can block them for certain times of the day. I have done that. I have blocked social media sites from 8-12 and from 1-5 Monday thru Friday. Any time I forget and try to go on Facebook, or Instagram, it directs me back to the Google home page (because that is what I picked for it to go to. You can choose any other website). Honestly it has really blessed my life! I am able to focus more and get more done.

The second one is for my phone. I have an iPhone, and a new iOS update has this new feature, "Screen Time". You are able to choose many different options of monitoring your screen time, according to your needs. It resets every night at midnight. As far as I can tell, there is no actual option to completely block apps, but I have been able to get around that: I would set the specific apps that I wanted to block for the day, and I set the time for one minute. In addition to all of the apps that I really wanted to block for the day, I would pick a random one that I do not use all that often, and then I would mess around on that app for a minute, and afterwards, every other app that I wanted blocked–including the random one–would be blocked for the rest of the day. 

Fourth, I pick a few different fun things to do as part of my breaks/downtime that day. For example, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have classes from 10:30a to 3p, with a short 45 minute break between two of my classes. During that time, I eat lunch and I usually watch an episode of a TV show I am watching. If I am not quite finished with my readings for my last class, I will instead read for class. On Thursdays, I am busy all day, from 7:45a to 8p. Usually during my morning work shift, I am finishing up my homework for my classes that day, so that when 12p comes around, and I'm off work, I can watch something, or read something for fun, before class at 1:35p. Sometimes, I just want to listen to music, though, so some days I'll listen to music all day instead of watch something.

Last but not least, I have personal study time. At some point during the day, I take time to study my scriptures for me, and pray to Heavenly Father. I prefer reading my scriptures in the afternoon/evening, but sometimes in the morning when I am on top of things, I will study while waiting for the bus. Each night, I take time to speak with my Father in Heaven, and ask Him for help with things I have going on the next day or two.

These are just some of the things that I have found to help me. They are not for everyone, and they are adapted each and every day, it seems like. Every day is new, and different, and so each day demands different things of me. Some days, I have a ton of free time, and so I work on my homework for the next couple of days. Some days, I am a little behind, and I don't have as much free time as I'd like, and so I have to really buckle down and make sure that I am getting things done. Even then, as I stated at the beginning of this post, I am still struggling to find a balance between everything I have to do.

But I know that, as I take the time to study my scriptures, and pray to Heavenly Father, He will bless me. As I take time to serve my friends, He will bless me. As I take time that I need to do important things for school or work, and instead use it to strengthen my relationship with Him, and with others, He will bless me, and lengthen my time. Somehow, He makes it so I have enough time for all that I have to do.

Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk eight years ago in the October 2010 General Conference in which he discusses the things that matter most. I highly suggest you read it. Or watch him give it. That's actually a better suggestion.

I know we are all busy, and some days don't go as planned. Some days, we are only able to read one or two scriptures before our eyes droop so bad that we can't read it any more. Some days we plan to actually make food for dinner but end up either grabbing a burger or just making a Nutella and jam sandwich.

I also know that God is with us, and that He helps us through the bad days. I know that He sees us trying. I know that He blesses our efforts. I know that if we try our best, and ask God for help, nothing can get in our way.

I hope everyone has a good week and a safe Halloween!! Please keep track of your littles and be aware of children with allergies.

God loves you very much and has great plans for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Every new chapter of your life will demand a different version of you.

It's been a stressful, sad, long, exhausting week. I finished my finals (stressful, exhausting) and packed and cleaned to move out of my apartment (stressful, sad, exhausting, long). It's bittersweet to be home for the summer–I'm excited for the new adventures I will go on, but I'm going to miss my friends. I love my family and I love spending time with them, but after living and spending most of my time with other people for two years, I am really, really sad that things won't be the same. It was really hard saying goodbye yesterday even though I know I'm going to see them again. It's hard to say goodbye to the people who have really been an influence in your life for the past two years, and it's hard to say goodbye to the people who have loved you, served you, cared for you, and blessed you for two years. I love them so much, and I am going to have a hard time not seeing them every day. Even though I need change in my life every so often, it's still hard. It's way harder than I like it to be, but I'm grateful that goodbyes don't have to be forever. 

I loved the messages in church today! Today we focused a lot on ministering, and service, and one of the speakers in sacrament meeting gave a list of three things that encompass the idea of ministering:
1. Being aware (of their needs, of those who need help, etc.)
2. Invitation (invitations of healing, friendship, places of safety/love, etc.)
3. Reach out in sacrifice and service (sacrifices of your time, food, etc.)

I loved this! Ministering just involves loving, and being considerate and aware of the needs of those around us. Ministering is motivated by the pure love of Christ. If you see a need, fill it. Just find a way to bless and love those around you.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who have been amazing examples of ministering! I've been on the receiving end, the giving end, and I've watched my friends minister to others and I am so blessed! I learn so much from them!

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed me so much in the past year, and in the past two years that I have been at Cinnamon Tree. I am quite a different person now than I was not only two years ago when I first moved in, but also a year ago. And I know that that is for the best. I needed to be a different person at the start of last summer, but I also needed to change to be a different person now. Change is hard, but change is always something that needs to happen. I am always striving to be better today than I was yesterday. Sometimes I don't succeed quite as much as I'd like to, but I do know that I am trying, and that is all that God asks of me. He sends me people who will love me, listen to me, empathize with me, and help me to not only yearn to be better, but will help me try to be better. I couldn't ask for better friends to surround myself with. 

I am sad to have left Cinnamon Tree, but I am grateful for the life that I had there. I am grateful for the people that He placed in my life to bless me, and help me know that I am loved, and I am worth so much! I was so, so blessed to meet some amazing people, and I am so grateful to call them my friends! I love them so, so much! I can't even express how much I have loved being in this ward, and how much I am going to miss it. I'm going to miss my friends so, so much, and I already do. I'm beyond grateful for my friends and for their love and support. I can't imagine my life without them. And because of them, I know God loves me. Sometimes I might not feel it, but I KNOW that He does because He gave me friends and roommates that I needed. He gave me friends and roommates that love me. And He inspired them to serve me when I needed it. I am sometimes amazed when I think that He places people in my life just for me. He puts them in my life because He knows that I need them. And I am beyond grateful for that. I know that He really, really loves me, because I met some amazing people whom I absolutely love and adore, and they love me, too! I am grateful to have such a hard time saying goodbyes because it means that I love, and I am loved!

I hope you have a wonderful week! Life is so good! I am so grateful!

Xoxo
Mattie

P.S. A couple of weeks ago, my ward had a Spring Musical Fireside, and I am so, so grateful for everyone who performed their own musical numbers, and for those who helped in the choir! It was such an amazing experience and it was the perfect end to my calling as choir director. I was able to have it recorded for some friends who were unable to come, and it can be viewed here. The sound quality isn't the greatest (get ready to fiddle with the volume a lot... *facepalm* I'm sorry), and I apologize for that, but I think you can still feel the spirit of the meeting. Enjoy! :)

He does not give up on you.

You never realize just how much you have to work on changing and improving yourself until you're studying the scriptures. And spending time with people. No one on earth is perfect. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes. We all have times where we struggle. But with Him, we can overcome. With Him, we can start again. And again. And again. With Him, we can keep trying. Though we will never be perfect in this life, we can align ourselves on the path with which we can someday become perfect through Christ. He will be with us every step of the way, and He won't let us fall.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to perform in sacrament meeting today! I'm grateful for Carrie and Megan, who agreed to perform with me and accompany me. They really helped make the experience amazing. I wasn't really super nervous until right before we were performing but it went amazingly and surprisingly well! I'm grateful for the message of "A Child's Prayer" and for the love that is so evident in the song. I'm grateful for the Spirit, and for the love that He helps us feel, and for the answers He helps us receive, and for the comfort and assurances that He gives.

I have had a really great week and weekend. I have learned a lot from my scripture study, and from talking and experiencing life with my friends. I've learned that I need to start being grateful for things that I do, and have, and not stress so much about things that I don't, and don't have. I learned that I can do amazing things and that I am stronger than I think I am. I learned that I am doing good things, but I can be doing better. I learned that there is moderation in all things, including emotions, which is something that I'd never thought about before, but RD (my therapist) brought it up on Friday and I really loved that. I learned that I need to re-evaluate my priorities in life and that I need to look past the surface, and focus on the essence. I need to take the little pieces, and use them to make something bigger, and brighter, and more beautiful. I learned that I am beginning to see myself differently, and on the whole, it's a good different. I learned that there is more to me than what I think, and I learned that there is more to life than what I think.

Turn to Him.

Why?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we procrastinate important things in our lives?
Why do we struggle with change?
Why do we struggle with decisions?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Or say?
Or do?
Why do we stress and worry about things we literally can't control?
Why do we worry about the future instead of focusing on the here and now?

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these feelings. I'm sure you probably have, to some degree. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. And I realized some of the answers a little bit. Because we're concerned with the world. Or we're concerned with the future (which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but sometimes we take it too far). Or we think we're not good enough, we're not as good as so and so. Or sometimes we just care about other people, and their opinions are important to us, and so we care about their opinions of us. As a society, we care a lot about appearances. We care a lot about making the right decisions for our future now. Or we have a lot of things due (or to do) on the same day and we can't figure out which ones to focus on and we struggle with focusing on them and getting them done. And that can be stressful. Life is stressful. Friendships, relationships, dating, school–it's all stressful. But I was thinking about something in sacrament meeting today that kind of helped me relax and calm down a little.

It's been a crazy busy week, but somehow I made it through. Grateful for my Savior, who has blessed me, I know. Grateful for the chances I've had to study my scriptures almost every day this week. Grateful for all of the homework I've been able to finish. I was really stressed this week and wanted to just not do anything because I had so much to do but I needed to do my homework. I also didn't think I had time to study my scriptures because I've had papers to write, and assignments to read. But I paused, and took the time to study, and ponder, and pray, and I am so glad I did. That is the reason I was able to get through this week. Because I took the time to speak to, and listen for my Heavenly Father. And because I did that, He blessed me. I've struggled trying to focus this week because I've had so many papers to work on, but the last couple of days I've been able to focus more, and get a little bit more done. It's hard to focus on one paper when you have multiple papers all due on the same day, but, a President Monson has said, and that I have found to be true this week, "Life is hard by the yard. By the inch, it's a cinch!" I know that as we slow down, and take things one project or paper at a time, we will be able to focus, and progress, and get things done in a timely manner. I also know that as we take time to study our scriptures, we will find time to do all the things we have to do.

Taking time for the spiritual things might seem like a waste of time sometimes, but once you do, you will realize that you will have the ability, focus, and time to do all of the things you want to and need to do. You will be blessed with strength and will be able to concentrate on your tasks at hand.

Sister Maughan said some awesome things in her talk in sacrament meeting today! I just wanted to share a couple of things that we can do to come to Christ:
-We need to be all in.
-We need to stand up on the inside.
-Pray daily. Develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven and His Son.
-Learn to love the scriptures and study them.
-Heavenly Father is watching over us. Sometimes we need to experience things for ourselves. We are more capable than we know.

Bishop had some amazing things to say, too! He talked about prayers and answers, and also about trials and how to deal with them. He said that we increase our faith by fasting for a purpose and having meaningful prayers. He also said that faith is an important ingredient in prayer. Sometimes we just need to move forward in life though. Every individual is responsible for their own happiness, he said. Cultivate a spirit of happiness, and don't belittle or blame yourself. Believe in yourself, and your capacity to do things. Sometimes we just don't receive answers to prayers, but we need to keep moving forward.

Megan said something great in her lesson today. She said something to the effect of, "God is always there for us. Just because we can't see him sometimes doesn't mean He's not there. It's up to us to find Him in our lives. Every time we take the time to look for Him, we'll find Him."

I've been trying to take some time for me lately. I have kind of been feeling...not lost, exactly...but like I'm wandering, floating in the vast space of 'being' (which, I mean, I guess is true, since we're all floating in space, but that's not the way that I meant it). I feel like I'm struggling to fit in. And I mean, I have friends, and it's great fun, but I just feel a little bit out of place, and like I'm just not socializing enough. Anyway, I've decided that I need to find myself (Again. I keep forgetting, and losing myself, apparently. Or I just need to be a different me every school year. Either that, or I just have not really found myself). And I need to focus. I have been struggling with focusing lately. I don't know why that is, but I do know that it has been better when I've been studying my scriptures, and praying, and getting sleep. When all of my papers were just kind of dropped on me like a bomb, it was bad. I was worrying, and worrying, and I was jumping from paper to paper because I couldn't focus on any of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, or how I wanted to talk about it (for being someone who loves writing and talking, sometimes I sure don't know what to say). But about midway through the week, something happened, and I just felt a whole lot better. I don't know what it was, but after Wednesday/Thursday morning, I've been able to focus just a little better. I'm grateful for the peace that I've had this weekend. It's been a little stressful, too, but mostly I've been feeling a lot better about my papers, and my schoolwork. Life is so hard, and can be so difficult and stressful, but I know that when we turn to God, and read His words, and listen to His Spirit, we're blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I loved church today!! There were lots of great messages today but I am going to focus on two sets of thoughts I had today. The first during the sacrament, and the second during Sunday School.

"Thy will, O Lord, be done." That was the last line of the sacrament hymn. I know we want things to happen in our own way and time. I know–there are so many things I want right now. But I'm learning to let go, and be patient, and take things one step at a time (like in this song). Things will happen when they're meant to happen. And actually, this topic reminds me of something I said on Facebook a year ago: "Dreams are crushed. Hopes are dashed. Life is shattered. But only when you put them on your 'this is going to happen this way' pedestal and wish for it to be that specific way only. When you give a little room for them to grow and develop, dreams are built. Hopes are known. Life is changed."  Life is honestly no fun if you're always stressed and worried about things you can't control. And I know it's hard to not, but I've learned that by taking things one day at a time, and focusing on the present, it's easier to not be stressed and worried. It's not like the stress and worries goes away–and I'm sure there will always be parts of me that are stressed and worried–but for now, I'm trying to tame them. It's been hard, but I've been able to depend on my Savior, who strengthens me, and my Heavenly Father, and They've sent me people to help my life not be so stressful, and to help make life more fun and enjoyable. Life certainly isn't perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

In Sunday School we talked about trials, and where God is when we're struggling, and it reminded me of this quote that Chris shared in his talk during the sacrament. It's by C.S. Lewis, and I'm sure you've heard it before: "Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." Someone in class said, 'trials make you bitter or better.' You get to decide. Clarissa asked what our hardest trial was, and what we learned or gained from it. I said that, in my hardest and greatest trial, I not only found God, but I found love. One of the reasons that the trial started was because I didn't feel like I was loved. I just didn't feel like I was loved or important. Through this trial, however, I came to realize who I was. Who I am. How valued and important I am. And I not only found the love of God and my Savior for me, but also the love of friends and family. Which are all important, but most importantly I found love for myself, and even though I still struggle sometimes, I am learning to love myself, and love who I am. It's not perfect, and some days I forget, but I am trying. And I do love myself. I love who I am. I love my quirks. I know people don't understand or follow me most of the time, but I'm learning to not focus on that, and to just be me. Because even if they don't understand, they still accept me, and they still love me. Which is the most important thing–having friends who accept me and love me for who I am.

I am blessed. I'm blessed to have been through all sorts of things that have helped me see what is important to me, and that have helped me see who I am. I'm grateful to have struggled, and learned how to be patient, and how to grow. I'm grateful to have been able to grow closer to my Savior. I'm grateful to have been able to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes I wonder if there was any other way I could have gained these lessons, because it has been the hardest trial of my life, and I am not sure if I will ever fully be free from it, but I do know that there were a couple things that I wouldn't have learned without it, and there are things I wouldn't be able to understand or stand for without it. So I wouldn't have it any other way, and I am grateful. For what I've learned, and for who I've become. I'm stronger, and I've grown closer to my Savior than I ever have been. I've learned to love people more–for and despite their faults and flaws, because I've been in such deep trenches that I couldn't see the light of day, and all I wanted most days was someone to love me, and show that they cared. And so I want to be that person for others. I don't want anyone to feel like I did. Like they weren't loved. Weren't important. Weren't valued. Weren't wanted. Because they're not. They ARE loved. Important. Valued. Wanted. Just like me.

Xoxo
Mattie

Being an instrument in the Lord's hands.

I have a story. It's actually a very longish story, so bear with me. 

Tuesday night (so, yesterday, May 5th, 2015) for Young Women's, we made truffles for our mothers for Mother's Day. Me being the kind and sweet person I am, I decided to make an additional one for my orchestra teacher--this year is her first Mother's Day with her baby outside of her womb. So, I okayed it with Sister Johnson and I made another one.

Today I had an AP test this morning, which means that I missed first period (my TA period for my orchestra teacher) and second period (orchestra), as well as third (not important, but it was Foods). After my test, I got lunch and ate with my friends and then went to the orchestra room to relax and tell my teacher how it went. Anyway, we talked a lot and she told me how her weekend was and I told her how my test went. I could tell she was a little stressed, annoyed, and tired. She's got a lot going on--our concert is on Tuesday and we have an awards banquet on Monday, and school is coming to a close so she's got grades to do, and we are playing at graduation. So, I went to fourth period, and, after okaying it with my teacher, I left a little early to help my orchestra teacher [Because a), she had asked me to. 2) I wanted to. Three) I felt bad that I had missed my TA period even though she'd already told me before that it was no big deal]. I helped her check and make sure she typed some of the awards correctly, and then I had to go. I later contacted her about something my brothers had done, and then I sent her a music pun:

Realizing as I read it that it may have sounded like I was calling her an angry conductor, I quickly clarified that I didn't think that she was an angry orchestra conductor, I just thought that "tempo tantrum" was hilarious. And then she told me that she'd locked her keys in her car (When I get a car, I am sure I will do this several times) and I felt so bad for her because she'd been having a rough day, and so I sent her this picture: 

And then I just told her that I was sorry that she'd had a bad day. I let her know that I know that she works hard and that I know she's trying and I said that I really admire and look up to her and I know that she's amazing. And then she thanked me and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, like when you know you've done something good. And then I realized about an hour or so ago that I was giving her the chocolates on Friday! She loves chocolate. And I was like, "I've been an instrument in the Lord's hands! I'm going to be an instrument in His hands! I'm going to make her week awesome!"And I just know that the Lord helped me know what to say to her, and when to say it to her, and I know that He inspired me to make a box of chocolates for her so that she would feel loved, important, of worth, and that she was doing something right. 

In the October 2000 General Conference, in her talk "We Are Instruments in the Hands of God", Sister Mary Ellen Smoot said, "Service is a key to being an effective instrument." And today I served my orchestra teacher by letting her know that I saw her, and that I know that she is trying. I let her know that she is amazing, and I admire and look up to her. She may have felt like she wasn't doing a good job, but I let her know that she was, and I didn't even know that she felt like she wasn't doing a good job. 

God works in mysterious ways–I only knew part of the story, but I was able to address the whole story, and I know that that was because of Heavenly Father. I know that He watches out for us. I know that He loves and cares for us. I know that He sends us what we need when we need it through others. I know that we are instruments in the Lord's hands when we serve others and when we do anything Christlike. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.