He has the most perfect plan for me.

Okay, so this week was super interesting! It started off normal, but on Tuesday I got the news that I will be taking over the preschool classroom at work! I am very nervous but also very excited! I also received my college diploma in the mail on Tuesday! It is now official–I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!

Tuesday was honestly such a blessing, because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose. These last couple of weeks/months have been really hard for me in many ways, but receiving my diploma and getting to teach the three-year-olds at work is a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.

In Relief Society today, we discussed the General Conference talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund.

We talked about how we don't earn blessings, but we do have to qualify for them. We also don't get to  pick and choose the blessings we get. God gives us the blessings that we need–and also when we need them. Elder Renlund said, "Blessings are never earned, but faith-inspired actions on our part, both initial and ongoing, are essential."

Blessings come on God's timetable–even if we are qualified. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn by waiting. We have to have faith, and patience. It's hard. Really it is. There are things that I want more than anything in the world but am unable to have right now and it's HARD to have faith. It's HARD to have patience. It's HARD to trust that God knows best and that everything will work out in the end.

But I was talking with some friends this week, and they gave me some really good advice. One of my friends said, "We can have lives tailor-made for us by the One who sees it all...God is still looking out for you, regardless of how content you are with your life." I really loved that. I need to trust Him because it's not up to me. It's in His hands. He has the most perfect plan for me, and He is looking out for me–even when I'm upset and confused about what is going on in my life.

I've been seeing His hand a lot in my life this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can make a difference. I feel like I can actually do some good. I'm terrified beyond explanation to teach, but I am grateful for not only an amazing boss who is willing to help me as I'm trying to get ready to start to teach these kiddos next week, but I'm grateful for an amazing God who is blessing me with opportunities to grow. Even when I doubt Him sometimes. Even when I doubt myself. Even when I don't really understand why I am going through what I am going through. He is giving me opportunities to work on myself, and to work on trusting Him. I'm learning to live in the moment and live for myself.

I'm really grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that He still loves and blesses me even when I do not always entirely trust Him. I am trying to be better about trusting Him, and seeing that there are good things about my life each and every day. I am not perfect, and every day I struggle with lots of different things–sometimes the same things each day. But I am trying to be better. And I know that even if my trust in God is growing by baby steps, it is still growing. And I know that that is all He asks of me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! July is almost over, and August is almost here! It's so weird to think that I won't be going back to school as a student! I'm really excited for this next chapter in my life–terrified, yes, but excited.

Xoxo
Mattie

Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Christ can take our pain and make it into a blessing.

This week has been crazy–what with finishing my last finals, starting my job full-time, and technically kind of having an emotional breakdown as one chapter of my life was ending and a new one is beginning. I think that I've felt every emotion under the sun and then some this week.

Learning patience, tolerance, and other emotions like that sucks. I wish that I could just see where God wants me to be. Or what He wants me to do. Or learn. I wish I could trust Him more in different aspects of my life. It's rough, you know? I just want to be with someone who will make me happy who I can make happy, and who I can build a life with...but my life is more than just a path, more than just a journey, more than just a destination...my life is a CHANCE. A chance to be someone better. A chance at happiness. And it starts with me. Even if I already feel like I've been doing everything right, God knows when the TIMING is right.

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Brother Smith talked in sacrament meeting about a few scriptures in the 2nd Epistle of Peter, and there were a few things that he talked about that I wanted to mention. He asked a question: How do we get from faith to charity? And then he answered the question. My favorite thing that he talked about was the definition of virtue. He said that virtue means to do good, and to be good, and I loved that! It gave a new meaning to the scripture "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly". Virtue is goodness and if we let GOODNESS garnish our thoughts, life will be better.

In Relief Society, we talked about the General Conference talk by Tad R. Callister entitled "The Atonement of Jesus Christ" and I loved all of the comments and the direction that the discussion went in.

We talked about forgiveness, and how forgiveness comes from love. We talked about how God's forgiveness and forgiveness from others in our life are not entangled together. You can still be forgiven by God, even if those in our life do not forgive us. I thought that was a beautiful thought. No matter what happens, you can be forgiven by God.

We talked about how people can CHANGE and how we need to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. I think that this is such an important reminder–not only about others, but as ourselves, too. I know that I have struggled with this at times in my life, but I am not the same person as I was. Even if it doesn't seem like I have changed much sometimes, I know deep down that I have changed a lot. I need to let myself stay changed, and we need to let others stay changed.

Our Savior is always with us–and no matter what we go through, He will be there to strengthen us. He will be there to help us deal with the pain, and the struggles, and He will be there to help us learn and grow from it. He will be there to help us find the blessings in our trials.

I have two things to share now. One is a little thought I had during the last little bit of Relief Society.

TRUST. Trust is HARD. Trusting a Being that you can't see is hard, too. 

PATIENCE. Patience is HARD. Patiently waiting for blessings to come is hard, too. 

FAITH. Faith is HARD. Having faith that everything will turn out all right is hard, too. 

Faith is the pathway to happiness. As we trust the Lord, and are patient, those things that we want will come in time. 

The other thing is this: life is easier said than done. But as we take little steps in the direction that we want, God will bless us with the confirmation that it is right, or the knowledge that it is not right. I am still learning to accept this, and to accept that right now, God wants me to choose of the things that I have been pondering, and that any one of them is going to be right. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that I am going to make the wrong decision...but I need to trust that God will take the one I choose and use it to help me grow and change.

Xoxo
Mattie

Here in mortality, perfection is still pending.

I have been studying the scriptures with a friend for the past couple of days and it has been such a blessing! I am learning so much more than I usually do by myself as we talk and discuss the scriptures together. I am so thankful for her insights and love–we had a really awesome study session last night and I learned several new things that I am excited to incorporate into my life. One thing I am hoping to work on is not only being humble enough to trust Heavenly Father, but I also want to work on trusting Him enough to be humble.

We were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 67 last night, and in verse 3 it says, "there were fears in your hearts, and verily this is the reason that ye did not receive." I loved that because I thought it explained so much! Sometimes we don't trust Him enough, and we are more afraid...and that is why we don't get answers. Because fear comes from Satan, not God, and when we are afraid, we are essentially not trusting Him, so why would He give us an answer if we don't trust Him? Lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that I think I do not trust Him enough...which really makes me sad, but probably makes Him even more devastated. And even though I have been trying to work on it, I don't think that I have really been focused on it all that much. So that is one of my goals for this next week/the next couple of weeks. I know that with His help, I can do it. 

In sacrament meeting today, Aunica talked about four types of members, and specifically about the fourth type. She talked about how we need to give up our will, and be willing to do whatever God asks of us. We need to take the steps necessary to do His will. One thing that she briefly mentioned that I absolutely loved was the fact that it [meaning, for instance, our Sabbath day worship, our daily worship, etc.] only becomes for us when we let it be for Him. 

Brother Thompson talked about how we don't need to be perfect right now, we just need to strive to be perfect. He said, "Here in mortality, perfection is still pending." We have an opportunity to improve, and that's the goal–line upon line, precept on precept. 

I feel like a lot of the lessons I learned in church today complemented a lot of the messages that Haley and I studied last night, and I am so grateful for that. I am so thankful for the scriptures, and for the fact that she and I study the most amazing and perfect things for me when I need them, and I hope and pray that they help her when she needs them, too.

It's hard to accept the fact that sometimes, you don't know what is going on in your life. It's hard to accept that you don't know what is going to happen. It's hard to accept that sometimes, God trusts you to make decisions. My roommates and I were talking this morning about that, and Carrie said that sometimes, when you don't really feel prompted one way or another, that just means that the decision you're trying to make doesn't really make a difference one way or another. And it means that God trusts you. And I said, "Well, He trusts me more than I trust myself." And she said that maybe that means that I need to learn to trust myself more, and trust Him more. And she's right. I have been struggling recently with a lot of different things, and realized that I need to learn to accept His trust, and help, and I need to learn to be humble. I've been struggling to focus on lots of different things in my life right now so I am only going to focus on one thing right now, and that is my humility. I feel like, as I learn more about humility, and being humble, and as I become more humble, I will eventually also be able to trust Him more, so really it's like hitting two birds with one stone, just slowly. 

I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned this weekend. I am grateful for supportive and loving friends, and family. I am grateful for the resources that I have access to. I am grateful for the fact that I am here on Earth. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to learn and grow. I am grateful that I am able to go to school. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve those around me. I am grateful for the people in my life who help me remember who I am, and how strong I am, and how brave, and kind, and intelligent, and loved. I am grateful for those who do not let me degrade myself, and for those who lift me up when I am feeling down, and when I cannot lift myself up. I am grateful for those who remind me of Jesus Christ, and of what He would do. I am grateful for those who stand as witnesses of God, at all times, and for those who stand with me. I am grateful for those who not only love me, but let me love them. 

I can't believe that March is coming to a close soon! The semester is going by so fast! I hope that you have a wonderful week! Heavenly Father loves you!! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Trust Him, and trust His timing.

While I was sitting during the passing of the sacrament, I decided to read one of my favorite passages of scripture about the Atonement, and I had these thoughts:

Alma 7:11-13 is one of my favorite passages about the Atonement. It really emphasizes more of what Jesus felt and had to go through for us. I love that it emphasizes 'according to the flesh'. It gives me a better idea of what kinds of things He went through for me. He knows how difficult it is to overcome temptations, and He knows how hard heartbreak is. He knows how much I try to rise above my depression and anxiety, but He also knows how hard it is, and how disappointed in myself I am when I can't rise above it. He knows it all. And He knows how to help. Each person and each situation is completely unique, but He knows exactly what you need. <3

One of my favorite things that some people said in their testimonies today was that Heavenly Father loves us. And He wants what is best for us. And sometimes what is best for us is different than what is best for someone else, but that doesn't mean that what is best for you or them isn't what is best for you or them. Does that make sense? Just because someone else's best isn't your best doesn't meant that your best is any less.

Kelli said in her testimony something that I loved. "It's not the sin that makes Him cringe; it's when we don't repent that makes Him cringe." I loved that! It doesn't matter if it's the same sins over and over again...as long as we keep trying, and we repent, He is happy. He knows we are mortal and human, and we make mistakes. He doesn't expect us to be perfect right now, but He expects us to try to be better today than we were yesterday. And it is up to us to determine how close we are to God. God is right there waiting for us; we have to make an effort to draw close(r) to Him.

Kaitlin said, "Sometimes we don't know where we're going in our lives, but when we trust Him, and trust that He has a plan, He will guide us and bless us." I loved that. It's important to have a general plan, but honestly, most of the time we don't know where we are going in life. So we need to trust Him. He has a plan for each of us. He will guide us and bless us, and help us become who He knows we can become, and He can help us get to where we need to be.

Dallin said that, "Every time we follow the Spirit, we can be an instrument in people's lives." I loved this. It's so important for us to follow the Spirit and help those around us. We never know completely what's going on, but Heavenly Father does, and He sends us to help those who really need help and love.

Ingrid said, "He loves us and we are not forgotten." I loved that!! He KNOWS us! He LOVES us! We are HIS! How loved we are by the Creator and ruler of all! We are NEVER forgotten!! We are so important to Him, and we are SO LOVED!!

With Him, I can do it all.

Today was a great day at church. There were several messages that were received today but one of the main ones that I noticed was about trusting God. And my thoughts during the sacrament, I think, helped shape how I viewed the rest of the meetings.

My relationship with my Savior is wholly dependent upon me and my efforts. He will always be there for me, but I must do the work to create or keep our relationship up. Some days/weeks are better than others, but there is always room for improvement. It's been a crazy couple of weeks/months for me and one of my roommates said something the other day. She said maybe what I'm supposed to be learning from these experiences is to trust my Heavenly Father. Like, blindly trust. I trust Him, and I love Him, but these past few weeks have been really hard, and stressful, and maybe I just need to let go, and let Him. It's hard because I hate feeling helpless, and I hate not being able to do something, but that is the real question: do I trust Him enough to let go? I am trying to let go because I hope so. But there really isn't anything I can do about it right now, other than wait, so I'm hoping, and trying, and trusting in Him. 

Trusting someone is a lot harder than you'd think. Telling them things about yourself, thoughts you've had, that no one else knows...is hard.
Turning to God, and letting go of things you're struggling with–decisions you're still trying to understand, things you're trying to let go of–is hard.
Trusting is HARD. But it's worth it. It's worth not going through it alone. It's worth having an outside point of view. For so long, you've been doing it alone, and you've had only your view on it. Letting someone else in, and trusting someone else with a part of you, is worth it. It's hard, and can be stressful, and terrifying, but it's worth it.

Maybe another one of the things I'm supposed to be learning is that I need to get out of my head. I mean, I think I already knew that, but lately, since I've started seeing a therapist, and have been working on my anxiety and depression, I've noticed that I'm better only when I'm out of my head. Having the opportunity to be inside my head makes things worse. I think that these actually go hand-in-hand. I need to trust that the things I think people are thinking about me aren't actually happening. I need to trust that when people say they love me or like me as a person, they mean it. I need to trust that these people–who I'm 1000% sure were placed in my life because of my Heavenly Father–really do love me. They really do care about me. And they don't think about me in the way that I am worried that they do.

I know that Heavenly Father is guiding me. I know He is taking me to a place where I need to be, when I need to be there...but trying to get me to let go of these problems that I am going through is really hard. I am trying, and I'm making progress, but it's really hard. I'm grateful that He is merciful, and patient, and always willing to work with me, because I don't know what I'd do without Him. I can do hard things. I can work through these problems and experiences. I can trust Him. I can let go. It will take time, and it is taking time, but I can do it. I can do it with Him.

Xoxo
Mattie