The next right thing.

Not only have I had “The Next Right Thing” from Frozen 2 stuck in my head today, but I have been thinking about how grateful I am for the opportunity to partake of the sacrament each week so that I can renew my covenants with God and have the chance to start anew each week as I try to remember each and every day to keep doing the next right thing.

“I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing.”

All we can do—all that God asks us to do—is keep trying to do the right thing. Every day, we have choices to make. There are bad choices, okay choices, good choices, better choices, best choices. Sometimes, we don't always make the right choices. 

In his talk entitled "Good, Better, Best", then-Elder Dallin H. Oaks discusses the differences between good, better, and best choices for individuals and families. We need to consider the best ways to spend our time, alone and with our families. We might often feel the need to go above and beyond, but there are days and moments when it is the quiet little things that are the best options. 

While I don't always make the best choices sometimes, I am still learning, growing, and trying. I am grateful for a loving, gracious God who lets me make my own choices, learn from my mistakes, and try again. I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents who want what is best for me, and who want me to be able to return to live with Them again someday. I am grateful for a loving Savior, who suffered and died for me so that I might repent time and time again as I am learning and growing and trying to become a better person.

I am grateful for the love of my friends and family, as well as of my husband, who is so sweet and thoughtful. I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents, and for Their examples, encouragement, guidance, and support as I try to do the next right thing each and every day.

I hope you all have had a wonderful Sunday! It was very relaxed and peaceful for us today. I hope you all have a wonderful week! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Progress isn't perfect, it's progress.

Happy New Year! I hope you all celebrated safely with your friends and family. :)

This year, I am wanting to work more on my scripture study, working on Family History, exercising/stretching several times a week, and on taking a step back before I engage in any conversations that might cause me to be extra emotional (for various reasons, many of which are "because I am too overcome with the fulness of my emotions and can't properly voice my feelings without crying").

So far, I am doing pretty okay at these things. There is always room for improvement, and I am excited to see where I go from here! In addition to these things, I am also trying to be more okay with the times that things don't go as I had planned. Sometimes it's hard. I am trying harder every day to rise above my emotions and take control. Because my emotions don't control me; I control my emotions. It's okay to feel sad, and angry, but only for a little while. Taking hold of the reins is hard, but I am learning. 

I am trying very hard to remember to look ahead in comfort and peace, and not to look back in dismay and regret–I am not going that direction. You can't move backwards, and you can't change the past. So keep moving forward and change your future. 

I am also trying to remember that I don't need to be perfect at all these things all at the same time. It's okay for my progress to go up and down in some areas. Progress isn't perfect, it's progress. Life is up and down, and so is our progress at times. 

Luke 2 verses 40 and 52 says:

40 And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit, filled with wisdom: and the grace of God was upon him.

52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

Just like Jesus, we, too, grow and learn bit by bit, line upon line, precept on precept. He didn't know everything all at once, and He didn't grow all at once.

I love that God knows me, and that He knows what I need. I love that He knows where I am, and where I am going. I love that He is guiding me, and trusting me, and working with me. I am grateful for a husband who loves me and lets me take my time. I am grateful for a Savior who knows how to help me, and who loves me where I am.

Happy Sunday! I hope you all had a wonderful day. My younger brother Lander was ordained to the office of Deacon in our Church today and I am so proud of him! He is a smart, helpful, and sweet little guy who will do much good in the world!

I hope this week is full of tender mercies and blessings for you! God loves you, and I do too! May this year be one of growth for us all!

Xoxo

Mattie

Life is a Garden.

The days go by so quickly! It's already October 25th, 2020! Here's a few fun facts:

Somehow, Ricky and I:

-Have known each other for 1 year, 2 months, and 15 days

-Were officially dating for 3 months and 24 days before we were engaged (but we had known each other for 4 months and 4 days by that time)

-Were engaged for 5 months and 6 days

-Have now been married for 5 months and 5 days

-Have been on two family road trips (just us) to Southern Utah

-Have lived in two different apartments together

-Have been on a countless number of dates

-Have been to the temple together (including just walking around outside) about 10 times (that's almost once a month! Woo! Go us!)

-Have had 442 days (i.e. 1 year, 2 months, 15 days) of endless adventures and conversations

-Have both given and received countless hugs and kisses

Sometimes it doesn't seem real! It's so crazy to me that a year ago we were just dating! I loved being with Ricky and I didn't want it to ever end! I was so, so happy when he proposed to me! It was the best day of my life up to that point! I am so grateful that our wedding day (which is now the best day of my life) was absolutely perfect and went smoothly! 

We have learned a lot in our time being married. We've learned it's important to communicate. It's important to work together. It's important to love and support each other through all of the ups and downs. It's important to support each other's hobbies. We've learned it's important to put our relationship and the Lord first, before anything else. If we do that, everything else will start falling into place. 

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

—F. Burton Howard (“Eternal Marriage,” Ensign, May 2003, 94.)

“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

—Gordon B. Hinckley

(“This I Believe,” address at Brigham Young University, March 1, 1992.)

I love these two quotes about marriage! I believe them with my whole heart! What Ricky and I have is special, and is something to be treasured. Our marriage is a budding seed. We have to tend to it–we have to water it, make sure it gets enough words of LOVE, and that it gets enough sunlight! (It's true! Plants grow better with words of love and encouragement)

God is the Gardener of our souls. Sometimes, He cuts us down so we can regrow in new and better ways.

“God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”” ("As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten", D. Todd Christofferson)

I love this story. It's beautiful, poignant, and can apply to each and every one of us at many different stages in our lives. I think that we can apply this to our marriage. It is going to stretch us in many, many different ways, and we are going to have to be cut down sometimes in order for us to change and grow. I am so grateful to be married to Ricky, and to get to walk through this life with him. I hope that we will be able to say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting us down, and for loving us enough to make sure that we have the opportunities to grow."

I love God, I love my husband, I love this beautiful world we live in. I am grateful for the temples, for eternal marriage, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, through which we have the opportunity to be resurrected and be able to live with our families forever. 

I hope everyone has a great week! It's Halloween this week, so have fun and be safe if you're going to be trick or treating!

Xoxo

Mattie

Christlike in marriage.

 Happy four months to my sweet husband!

As of today, we have officially been married for four months, and I can honestly say life is better with Ricky than without. There are lots of ups and downs, and there are moments when we do not agree on things, but we are learning. We are learning how to compromise, how to love each other, how to bless each other, and how to be more Christlike. 

We were watching Beauty and the Beast (2017) yesterday, and–during the scene where the Wardrobe was helping Belle with her dress–as I was mentally admiring Belle's beautiful dress, I said, "I wish I was a princess," and Ricky said, "Why do you think I make you dinner every other night?" And that is my husband, ladies and gentleman. He is such a blessing to me, and I am so grateful for him.  🥰💜

We are both still learning things about each other, and while it can be hard some days, at the end of the day, he is my best friend, my person, my love, and my HOME. With him, I am comfortable. I'm not afraid to speak my mind–but I do need to work on attitude and tone. With him, I am honest. I tell him every day how I feel about him–I say, "I love you" probably about 20,000 times a day. With him, I am true. Sometimes he gets my jokes, and sometimes he doesn't–but I make the jokes anyway because it fits the moment. With him, I am myself. There are days when I just need to cry, and he holds me and lets me cry. And in those moments, life is perfect. Because I am with my husband, being vulnerable, and he is with me, being loving and supportive. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, I posted on my Facebook page something that I wanted to share here. The link to the post is here. But I also wanted to post the picture and words here, just because I am proud of them:

I’m grateful for beauty, grace, mercy, love, and kindness. I watched the 2015 version of Cinderella tonight and was reminded of the beauty that is Lily James’ version of Cinderella. The movie is beautiful, cinematographically, as well as story-wise. It is absolutely one of my favorites and I will never get tired of watching it. 

The quote said by Ella’s mother towards the beginning of the movie is one of my favorites, and I LOVE how Ella exemplifies it throughout the movie. She is full of grace and beauty, as well as kindness. I believe she is so Christlike and loving in this rendition. 

We must have courage and be kind, even when others are not being kind. We must have courage and be loving, even when others are not. 

Love is the answer to all of the problems in this world, I know it. Love and kindness. 💜

Happy Sabbath Day, friends and family! God loves you, and I do too! I hope you all have a blessed week. I am looking forward to this week, as I should be able to start working on other projects besides "cleaning and organizing my house". I'm excited to start decorating, and to finish my curtains projects, and to start my refinishing furniture projects. It's going to take me a few weeks, I'm sure, but I am excited to move into this next chapter of projects!

Xoxo

Mattie

Tiny green sprouts.

This week has been a busy week!

First, my brother was set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was dropped off at the MTC this week. That was an exciting moment but also an emotional one. I am so proud of him and can't wait to hear all about his adventures.

Next, not only did I have my 23rd birthday, but I also went to see the Midway Ice Castles, went wedding dress shopping twice, and found my dress! I found THE ONE! I feel so beautiful in it and I am so happy!!

The wedding planning is coming along nicely. I'm less stressed now that I have my wedding dress! That was probably the most stressful part, and now all I have left to do is alterations!

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love and mercy. I am grateful for all the second chances He gives me over and over again. I am grateful for His Son, Jesus Christ, and for the sacrifice that He made for me so that I can live with my Father in Heaven again someday.

I am so thankful for my sweetheart, Ricky. He is like our Heavenly Father in that he gives me so much love, mercy, and second chances. He is so respectful, honors his priesthood, and he loves me wholly. I am so grateful for his sacrifices for me, and for all that he does for me. I am so excited for our wedding in May and can't wait to begin our life together! (P.S. If you would like an announcement, please fill out this link here)

I am looking forward to this week. I am sad because I will be leaving the daycare, but I am excited to be moving forward in my life. I have a few potential jobs right now and I am hoping to be able to have more time to do wedding stuff. I know that God is blessing my life right now, and I know that this is what He wants for me at this time. I am moving forward with faith and hope that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.

I love my Heavenly Father and am so grateful for His hand in my life. Sometimes it seems like things are going to work out, and then they crash and burn, but amidst the rubble, there is a tiny green sprout that ends up working out instead.

I've had many moments in my life where I thought things were going to work out, but then they crashed and burned. But I've been able to recognize the tiny green sprouts in my life. I've been able to recognize the blessings, and I am so thankful for those tiny green sprouts. They have grown into the most beautiful garden.

I thank God every day that I have so many blessings. I am grateful for my family, my friends–all of my loved ones who have blessed my life in many ways. Some of them have been my tiny green sprouts–the tender mercies in my life. They have helped me grow and learn, and I am so thankful for them. 

I hope you have a wonderful week! I hope that your Sunday has been very relaxing and peaceful. God loves you so much, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Improving my relationship with Heavenly Father.

Today in Sacrament Meeting, I was reading the conference talk "Unwavering Commitment to Jesus Christ" by Elder Dale G. Renlund. I really loved this talk! I wrote down a few things that I was thinking about while I read the talk, and afterwards when I was pondering on what I had read. I hope that some of them will be helpful for others.

One question that I was pondering was, "What symbolic action can I do to show my commitment to Jesus Christ?" And while I was thinking about this, I realized that there are a LOT of things that I can do to show my commitment to Jesus Christ that I am not doing. I think that one thing I struggle with is that sometimes I try to do all of the things at the same time. And I can't actually handle that. So I need to stop trying to do everything all at once. And I need to start with ONE thing at a time. God understands where I am, and He understands what I can do. And as long as I am giving Him my all, that is enough. 

Elder Renlund said that, "Being 'converted unto the Lord' means leaving one course of action, directed by an old belief system, and adopting a new one based on faith in Heavenly Father's plan and in Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  

This change is more than an intellectual acceptance of gospel teachings. It shapes our identity, transforms our understanding of life’s meaning, and leads to unchanging fidelity to God. Personal desires that are contrary to being anchored to the Savior and to following the covenant path fade away and are replaced by a determination to submit to the will of Heavenly Father. 

Being converted unto the Lord starts with an unwavering commitment to God, followed by making that commitment part of who we are. Internalizing such a commitment is a lifelong process that requires patience and ongoing repentance. Eventually, this commitment becomes part of who we are, embedded in our sense of self, and ever present in our lives. Just as we never forget our own name no matter what else we are thinking about, we never forget a commitment that is etched in our hearts."

Every emphasis in the previous quote was added by me. Those are the most important parts to me right now. Conversion to the Lord is MORE than knowledge. Conversion to the Lord is a CHANGE. I think it's not a coincidence that we call it "being converted to the Lord" when "conversion" means, "the process of changing or causing something to change from one form to another". When we are converted–or working on it–we are working on becoming like Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. We are working to change from our current form into a better one. One that is more like God. And this is something that we need to be continuously doing.

So, after pondering "being converted unto the Lord", I began to ponder a new question. "How can I improve my relationship with Heavenly Father?" And I came up with a lot of personal ways that I can improve my relationship with Heavenly Father. It's different for everyone. Some of the ways that I have been thinking about involve more personal study and prayer. They involve writing in my journal, updating my blog...things that mean a lot to me, and are ways that help me think and ponder about my life, and about the Lord.

I think that as I am doing all of these things to begin to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father, all of the things that I have been struggling with, and that have stressed me out recently, my problems won't go away, but I will have the Lord with me, and I will be able to overcome them. As I serve those around me, I will be blessed with the capacity to love more and be more patient. My attitude, personality, and temper will improve, and I will have better mental health.

Xoxo
Mattie

A year of changes, learning, and growth.

So, the last couple of months/weeks, the main thing in my life that I have been focusing on is my finances. I have been working on trying to budget and save money so that I can stop living from paycheck to paycheck every few weeks when I have random expenses come up. I also want to build up a significant savings account for future unexpected incidents/expenses. I keep getting interrupted by life, and I keep discovering other ways to track my money and budget, so I haven't entirely gotten very far yet. 😂

However, this has yet to deter me, as I keep trying to make notes of my finances. I think that I have been underestimating the amount of expenses that I actually have to pay every month, and so I keep getting low on funds because I think I have more money to work with than I do. 

I know that, as I have been watching my money usage, I have been blessed. I know that as I have paid my tithing first and foremost, I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life. Because somehow...even when I have thought that I didn't have enough...I figured out a way to make it work. 

I'm grateful for the little lessons in life, and for the little tender mercies. God has really been so good to me this year, I honestly can't even comprehend it. This year has probably been one of the craziest years in that I've had probably the greatest number of changes occurring in my life this year than in previous years, which has resulted in the greatest number of changes and the greatest amount of growth to myself. 

Xoxo

Mattie

That's the point!

This week, I was on a spiritual high from last weekend. General Conference is my favorite time of the year, and I'm so glad we have two conferences every year! I am very excited that the talks are now on the Gospel Library App so I can study them in preparation for next conference!

I was teaching my kiddos how to play "Pin the tail on the (Puppy)" (this week our theme was 'pets'; hence, the 'puppy' instead of 'donkey'), and as I was blindfolding one of my kids, he says to me, "I can't see!" I said, "That's the point." Later, when it was my turn, I said something similar to "I can't see" and he says, "That's the point!" And all the rest of my kiddos chime in with, "That's the point!" And I about died laughing! These kids are so funny and make me laugh every day!

As I was thinking about that experience this weekend, I had a thought. I was thinking about the Gospel, and how trials are really hard, and learning and growing as a person are really hard, and that thought came to my mind again, "That's the point!" The point of this life is to experience trials, and to learn and grow. The point of this life is to love God, and love your neighbors. The point of this life is to make the world a better place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm full of gratitude for this last week. General Conference was amazing, and I've had a fairly amazing week at work. I'm trying to figure out what I'm wanting with my life, and how I can improve myself. I've recently started re-reading the Book of Mormon, and I want to be done by Christmas. It has helped me every day that I've read a chapter or two. I've been calmer, happier, and more at peace as I've read my scriptures each day this week. I'm grateful for the messages of General Conference last week, and I'm grateful for the chance that I have to re-read, listen to, or watch the sessions again for the next six months. I am really hoping that I can become a better person as I keep reading my scriptures every day, and as I study the talks from this last conference. 

I am trying to remember every day to be better. To be more patient, loving, and kind. To let go of the little things that are inconsequential and don't matter. It's hard when I don't understand the why behind things, and I think that doesn't help me be more patient and kind. 

I'm grateful for a God who gives me love and peace when I need it, and even when I don't know that I need it. I'm grateful for a God who reminds me that there is more to this life than meets the eye, and of that wonderful plan that He has in store for me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

He has the most perfect plan for me.

Okay, so this week was super interesting! It started off normal, but on Tuesday I got the news that I will be taking over the preschool classroom at work! I am very nervous but also very excited! I also received my college diploma in the mail on Tuesday! It is now official–I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!

Tuesday was honestly such a blessing, because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose. These last couple of weeks/months have been really hard for me in many ways, but receiving my diploma and getting to teach the three-year-olds at work is a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.

In Relief Society today, we discussed the General Conference talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund.

We talked about how we don't earn blessings, but we do have to qualify for them. We also don't get to  pick and choose the blessings we get. God gives us the blessings that we need–and also when we need them. Elder Renlund said, "Blessings are never earned, but faith-inspired actions on our part, both initial and ongoing, are essential."

Blessings come on God's timetable–even if we are qualified. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn by waiting. We have to have faith, and patience. It's hard. Really it is. There are things that I want more than anything in the world but am unable to have right now and it's HARD to have faith. It's HARD to have patience. It's HARD to trust that God knows best and that everything will work out in the end.

But I was talking with some friends this week, and they gave me some really good advice. One of my friends said, "We can have lives tailor-made for us by the One who sees it all...God is still looking out for you, regardless of how content you are with your life." I really loved that. I need to trust Him because it's not up to me. It's in His hands. He has the most perfect plan for me, and He is looking out for me–even when I'm upset and confused about what is going on in my life.

I've been seeing His hand a lot in my life this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can make a difference. I feel like I can actually do some good. I'm terrified beyond explanation to teach, but I am grateful for not only an amazing boss who is willing to help me as I'm trying to get ready to start to teach these kiddos next week, but I'm grateful for an amazing God who is blessing me with opportunities to grow. Even when I doubt Him sometimes. Even when I doubt myself. Even when I don't really understand why I am going through what I am going through. He is giving me opportunities to work on myself, and to work on trusting Him. I'm learning to live in the moment and live for myself.

I'm really grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that He still loves and blesses me even when I do not always entirely trust Him. I am trying to be better about trusting Him, and seeing that there are good things about my life each and every day. I am not perfect, and every day I struggle with lots of different things–sometimes the same things each day. But I am trying to be better. And I know that even if my trust in God is growing by baby steps, it is still growing. And I know that that is all He asks of me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! July is almost over, and August is almost here! It's so weird to think that I won't be going back to school as a student! I'm really excited for this next chapter in my life–terrified, yes, but excited.

Xoxo
Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

There is life after.

It's been quite a week! A lot of things have happened and it's been very stressful but I am just so grateful that it's finally over and that I get a chance to start over.

One thing I've tried to focus on this week is that everyone makes mistakes. Life is full of choices that lead to growth or recognition that you need to grow. And it's important to remember that Heavenly Father loves you no matter what. He is always willing to give us opportunities to fix our mistakes and try again. It's such a blessing because I don't always make the right decisions––I make a lot of mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes weight down on me. But my friend reminded me that He loves us and is willing to give us so many chances to fix our mistakes...and that was a blessing this week.

Sometimes I feel like this comic is me.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father is disappointed in me, and in the mistakes that I make again, and again, and again. But really...He is just patiently waiting for me to remember who I am and what I'm actually working for. Sometimes I feel like He and I are just caught in this whirlpool––where I am constantly getting back into the ocean because I haven't learned my lesson about that whirlpool yet, but He STILL comes to rescue me. Because He loves me.

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One good thing that happened this week was I started writing a book! I'm very excited about it. I don't have too much written down yet haha but I've got a good little start. It's going to be about my spiritual journey, and I'm going to try to take some stuff from my blog and expound on it. I've got a lot of ideas for the book but I'm excited to see where it takes me.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go and see a performance of the Lamb of God by Rob Gardner. It was such an amazing experience! The music was beautiful, the message of the music was inspiring, and the spirit of the night was testimony-building and deeply touching. It was a great way to end last week, and start this week.

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You know, each week, I make plans. I make goals. My planner gets COVERED in ink and graphite as I set aside specific times for all of the homework and projects that I have going on in the week. I try to be SO careful and make sure I have a little leeway in case things happen. And sometimes things just happen. Sometimes your dress rehearsal just changes from the time that you thought it was to a new time so you have to miss a class. Again. Sometimes things come up and you have to rearrange your time. You have to rearrange your priorities.

The last couple of weeks...I've been a little more excited about life after graduation. Don't get me wrong––I still have NO idea exactly what I'm doing afterwards haha but I am not quite so stressed anymore. I'm still stressed haha but I've been looking at a lot of different opportunities and I'm feeling good about life. I feel like there is something out there for me. There is something I have to give to this world. I don't know what it is, and sometimes I don't really feel like I have anything different to give to the world than everybody else, but there's a reason I am who I am. There's a reason I was drawn to the Family Life major. There's a reason that––despite a lot of the uncertainties of the future––I am getting ready to GRADUATE. I made it! I never thought that I would make it to graduation day, guys. I never thought I would make it. It seemed never-ending and just too far away...but here we are...about a month out from walking...and three months from being done with school.

God really has blessed the broken road. It didn't lead me to where I thought it would lead me...but it led me here. It led me to graduating in a few months. It led me to searching for a full-time job where I will be doing something I love. It led me to going through the temple. It led me to decide to start writing a book. It led me to wanting to find myself. And I am grateful to be here. I am right where I need to be. I am right where He needs me to be. And luckily this is where I want to be (most of the time 😉 ).

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For the last few years, I have had a scripture written on a sticky note and attached to the front of my Book of Mormon. The scripture is 2nd Nephi 22:2, and it says, "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation." I LOVE this scripture because God is my strength. And He is my salvation. I would not be where I am today without Him, and I will not be able to become the best me that I can be without Him.

I am very excited to see where this next turn in the road will take me! Because there is life after...everything. There is life after mistakes...life after success...life after choices...life after sorrow...life after accidents...life after plans...life after graduation. With God at my side, I am sure that this road will take me to the next level of becoming the best Mattie.

Xoxo
Mattie

Hard is good.

I think I'm just going to stop saying, "It's been a crazy week" and let you guys assume it's been a crazy week. 🤣 Despite the craziness of the last couple weeks, however, I am feeling really blessed this weekend. This week, I've been able to be comforted and feel peace. Currently I have really mainly stressed about life after graduation, but I've realized I don't have to be. I've learned that sometimes I overthink things and I just need to make a decision. God wants me to do what I want to do. I've been asking Him for guidance, and I've been so focused on what He wants me to do, but I think that He wants me to know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether I stay in Provo or Lehi, or even if I leave Utah. As long as I follow my heart.

In the April 2017 General Conference, Sister Linda K. Burton gave a talk entitled, "Certain Women" that I really loved. Certain, in this case, means, "positive", "convinced", "definite", "firm", and "dependable". She said that "certain women are disciples centered in the Savior Jesus Christ and have hope through the promise of His atoning sacrifice." I loved that! Certain women have so much faith in our Savior and sacrifice so much to serve and bless the lives of those around them. I love this talk so much because it shows so many examples of righteous women who never gave up on their Savior. And I'd love to be just like them someday. I am trying every day to center my life on Christ and have faith and hope in His atoning sacrifice.

Sometimes my life doesn't always go the way that I want it to. But every week I try again. Every day, actually. And I am not always perfect at it. But I am trying. And that's all that God asks. He asks that I do my best. And some days...some days my best is not as much as it was the day before...but it is still my best. And that is all that matters.

Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do, and why we all have different personal struggles. But it's important to remember that not only do we all learn in different ways, but hard is good. We learn more when we are being challenged, and all of the trials and struggles in our life lead us to improvement. You can't know happiness if you don't know sorrow. You can't know love if you don't know hate. You can't know peace if you don't know turmoil. 

Elder Stanley G. Ellis said, "In the world of nature, hard is part of the circle of life. It is hard for a baby chick to hatch out of that tough eggshell. But when someone tries to make it easier, the chick does not develop the strength necessary to live. In a similar way, the struggle of a butterfly to escape the cocoon strengthens it for the life it will live." 

Why should we be any different? We all have challenges. The only difference is how we react to those challenges. If we embrace the challenges, and use them to better ourselves, we can grow, and become stronger, and then the Lord will be able to use us to help others around us. 

I find that in the midst of my challenges and trials, when I take the time to visit the temple, read my scriptures, ponder, and pray, life makes a lot more sense. I am able to see beyond the trials and trust in my Father in Heaven. Sometimes it doesn't always work, I won't lie to you. There are some things that I can't see beyond–and trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me in that moment is slightly difficult–but because things have worked out in the past and I have been able to see connections and find answers, I am able to just hope and have faith. I hope that things will work out and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, and that I am on the right path. 

I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us, and I know that He only wants what is best for us. He wants us to be the best that we can be, and He wants us to turn to Him for help and guidance on our journey back to Him. 

Xoxo

Mattie

It is the motivation that is important.

So I decided to take a seven-day fast from social media last week and it was probably one of the best decisions I could have made last week! Especially because I had the privilege of working on two papers, studying for one midterm, and dealing with my first-ever migraine during about 3/5ths of the week. I also bought my graduation announcements, as well as my cap and gown! Graduation is coming up so fast, and yet, not fast enough!

What a weekend! Porter turned 8 and was baptized yesterday! And Tyler had his Eagle Court of Honor tonight. I am so proud of both of them! I am so thankful for my family and for the blessing that I have of being sealed to them for time and all eternity.

Porter and I after his confirmation on Saturday.

I am grateful for my Savior, who lived, preached, blessed, and served His whole life to be an example to us. I am grateful that He loved us so much, He was willing to atone and die for us. I do not believe that He could have even imagined the suffering that He would endure for us, but I am grateful that when He felt inadequate, and didn't want to do it anymore, He said to His Father, "Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" and He held on. He wasn't alone, either; He had help from an angel on high, giving Him strength.

I think that we can learn a lot from the experience of the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane and at Calvary.

When we were first told of the Plan of Salvation, I am sure that we rejoiced beyond belief at the thought of one day becoming like our Father and being able to live with Him forever. But I am also sure that we did not know exactly what we would go through in this life. I am sure we knew we would have trials in our life, but I don't think we would have been able to understand the depths of our trials and experiences.

Much like Jesus, sometimes I no longer want to do my part, but also like Him, I know that God has a plan for not only me, but all of us, and sometimes His plan for others involves me, so I have to ready, and there, to do His will. And even when we feel alone sometimes, we have angels on Earth and in Heaven who are standing beside us and helping us stand.

One thing that we discussed in Sunday School today was that sometimes God tells us to do things that contradict each other, but upon further thought and discussion in my mind, I decided that it's not necessarily that they contradict each other...it's just that we are not thinking about it in the right mindset. Jesus tells us to do things in secret...Tanner said that he thought it meant individually, and one-on-one. Jesus also tells us to let our light shine...I thought that it meant that we aren't supposed to hide or publicize our works. We are just supposed to live our life, and go about doing what we do, and not focus on our appearance to others.

The Lord has shown us that we are to be a person like Him, and we should seek the Spirit and act accordingly. We can learn from those around in how they act and live. We can learn from how they learn from their personal promptings, and we can learn from how they seek God, and His Spirit.

We talked about how we can know the Savior. There's lots of things that we can do, like going to church, reading our scriptures, and saying our prayers, but if we don't believe in what we're doing, and if we don't learn and grow from the experiences, we can't know of Him. If we really want to know Him, we have to be like Him. We have to change our thoughts and hearts to be like His.

God knows us so deeply and intimately that He knows what we need. He is always waiting for us to try to get to know Him! It is up to us to keep that relationship strong.

I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father and am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of their Holiness and Divinity. I am grateful that I have taken the steps needed to change and become more in tune with the Spirit and to become more inline with what They have in store for me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I know this week will be better than last week for me and I hope that you all know how much I love you! I hope you also know that I have a testimony of the graciousness of my Father in Heaven, and of the love that He has for all of us. I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ, and that He suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary to save each and every one of us. God is great, and I am so blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

There is a work to do that only you can do.

This week, I've learned a lot about the difference between what I want for me, and what God wants for me. But I've also learned a lot about how sometimes, it's entirely up to me.

I've been thinking a lot about my future plans after graduation, and how it's very up in the air. There's nothing set in stone for future job opportunities, and it's very frustrating for me haha. I feel like I'm going to pick the wrong job, the wrong city, the wrong place to live...which is poppycock. If I feel good about it, it will be fine. I guess the thing that scares me the most is there are so many options, and I don't want to make the wrong choice.

ANYWAY.

The main thing I've learned this week...is to keep praying, and trust that God will provide. Have faith that things will work out. All of this is easier said than done...but I know that things will unfold in miraculous and beautiful ways, and all of the things that God has promised me will happen in time.

I also learned something about personal revelation this week. I learned that I might be placing all of the ways that God normally speaks to me in a box...and not looking outside that box for answers. I learned that I need to open my eyes a little more.

Last week, Sister Jean B. Bingham of the General Relief Society presidency came to speak to my stake and a few others, and it was AMAZING! I am so grateful I went! She talked about so many things that I really loved. She talked about how we are often the hardest on ourselves...But Heavenly Father knows absolutely everything about us, and He loves us! He absolutely adores us and has such an amazing plan for us. He has such confidence and trust in us. He is completely and perfectly loving.

She talked about how we need to take time to enjoy the beauties of each day. There is something beautiful in every day...Even if it is just one thing. Even if it is something small.

She talked about Proverbs 3:5-6 in depth and I loved what she expounded upon.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
Trust means to rely on the integrity, strength, and ability of someone (also known as 'faith')
We have to open our heart for spiritual guidance. We don't know everything.
In all thy ways means everything. Physical, spiritual, emotional, etc.
Acknowledge Him in everything. Look for His hand, and recognize that anything we accomplish, we accomplish with His help.
He shall direct thy paths–This one really stood out to me. He allows us to learn from our decisions, and He gives us little nudges and hints that help us grow and learn, and develop. Sometimes He doesn't give us the answer outright because He trusts us to make our own decisions.

There are many roads...but only one path. The covenant path. We are stronger because of the covenants we make. I loved this point that she made and am so grateful for my decision to go through the temple last month. Every week, I am more and more grateful, and more and more sure, that that was the right decision. She said that joy is a result of keeping our covenants, and I know that this is true.

My favorite quote that she said was, "Married or not, there is a work for you to do that only you can do." There are things that only you can contribute...The Lord can use you for incredible good. The Lord uses us in many ways to bless those around us. Is there something you can do to change the life of just one? Yes, there is. And you don't have to travel thousands of miles to make a difference.

The last thing that I loved that she talked about were 4 keys to progress.

1. Trust in the Lord
2. Remember who you are
3. Act in faith
-the mistake that we often make is doing nothing. Make a choice, and then find out what you can learn from the experience.
4. Keep your covenants
-It is up to us to figure out how to use the gifts we have been given...It is up to us to figure out how to embrace and learn from our covenants.

Jesus Christ is always the answer. He is the Rock, and if we build on Him, we will not fall.

I am learning each and every day about how imperfect I am, and about how much God really wants me to return to Him. Remembering to trust Him...and actually trusting Him...is sometimes harder than it sounds. I'm not perfect at it–far from it–but the Lord knows that, and understands that, and He makes it so that I can have help. He has placed some amazing people and examples in my life. I can turn to them anytime and they will always help me when they are able. They always say exactly what I need to hear and I know that God works miracles for me through them. I hope that I can be like them in time, and be able to bless those around me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Remember whose you are, and that He has a plan for you! He loves you very much, and so do I.

Xoxo
Mattie

Kindness begins with me.

I can't believe I'm starting school this week!! This is my last year of college!!! I'm so excited and so NERVOUS!! But I think it'll be a fantastic year!! :)

I thank God every day for the fact that I have made it as far as I have. In school, in life...I am so, so thankful for the happiness that I feel, and the love, and the peace. I have been a little stressed about this school year, but also I have just been able to accept it. I'm so thankful for the last couple of weeks I've had before school and after working at Bear Lake to rest and relax and get ready for the school year. It's been a blessing to have this time for myself with hardly any responsibilities (don't get me wrong–I had plenty of things to do).

I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned not only in all my time at college, but especially in the past year. I have learned and grown a LOT! And I can't wait to see where this next school year takes me!! I have high hopes that this year will be the best one by far!!

Today I subbed for Porter's class in Primary. I was super nervous, considering the fact that I don't think I've ever taught in Primary–actually, I don't think I've even ever taught a lesson period. Wait...maybe one time. But it was a long time ago and I was 12. It's been awhile.

Anyway.

The lesson that I taught today was on loving one another. In John 13: 34-35, it says, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." We talked about how commandments are laws that Heavenly Father gives us to bless us and help us return to Him. I am so thankful for the example of our Savior, Jesus Christ, on how to love one another. We talked about when Jesus healed the 10 Lepers, when He fed the 5000, and when He stayed with the Nephites, and blessed and healed them. Jesus did all of these things because He loved the people. Just as Jesus did, we, too, can serve, bless, and love those around us. We need to bless and serve those around us and let them know we love them because everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to know that they are loved. We need to do the best we can to be like Jesus and obey Him and our Heavenly Father. We are here to learn and grow, and by obeying the commandments, we can learn and grow.

I've learned a lot this summer, and this past year, and one thing that stands out to me as I look back over the year is this: everyone deserves to be treated with respect and loved. Even if you don't agree, even if you have had issues in the past...everyone deserves to be treated with respect and loved. There are a lot of things that have happened this past year that have been hard for me to deal with. Sometimes they were my fault, and sometimes they weren't. Sometimes I dealt with them, and sometimes I didn't. But I have learned how to deal with things. I have learned how to choose to be happy, and I have learned how to accept and let go of people and experiences.

Life is hard. You can't make people do anything. You have to deal with their choices and they have to deal with yours. But you can always be the bigger person. You can always show them love and kindness, no matter what they do. Even if they don't show you the same courtesy. You will never regret being kind or loving.

I wrote a poem this summer that I wanted to share with you. :)

I Can Fly, by Mattie Radke

I can fly over the garden wall, past the sea, beyond the wind, and far away from the depths of depression in my mind. 

I can fly over the parts of me that yearn to change for you. 

I can fly past the parts of me that want to be exactly like you. 

I can fly beyond the visions of me, wishing I was as funny as you. 

I can fly far away from the depths of depression that lead me to believe I'm not as amazing as you. 

The lesson I've learned throughout my summer is be yourself–not because everyone else is taken, but because the world has need of you!

I wrote this poem when I was kind of feeling a little bit down. I was trying hard to try to fly, like I was talking about in the poem, but as I'm reading it now, I realize that when I wrote it, I was only hoping and wishing that I could fly. I wasn't really flying. But now, I think I have been able to fly. I've been working on my relationship with my Savior, and that has really helped. I'm not perfect at it [flying], and sometimes I still struggle, but not only since I wrote the poem have I changed, but the past couple weeks have been amazing, and I've realized that I don't need to change for anyone–I am who I am, and that's fantastic! I am amazing and funny and beautiful and I give a lot to this world. And if I have the right people in my life, they will (and do) love me for who I am.

You give so much to this world! You are special, and unique, and amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful, inside and out. And I love you. And God loves you. There is no one on Earth who can do what you do, or give to this world what you give. I am thankful for you!! I am thankful that you are here. I am thankful that you are you. I am so happy that you have a passion–whatever it is–and that you follow it. I hope you know how much you are loved and how much you are admired by those around you. And I hope that you will tell those around you how much you love and admire them. Everyone needs to be told that they are appreciated and loved.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!! Happy September!! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

He knows what you need to grow.

This is another little thought that I had last night (sometimes my late night thoughts are really profound):

"I'm dreaming and dreaming. Nothing's come true yet. I still have a ways to go, and a ways to dream. I've come so far, and yet it's not been far at all. It feels like one step forward is sometimes two steps backwards. Why is this so hard? How will this ever work out? I don't even know what I want anymore.
And then it hit me: I.
Yes, yes, I can still have dreams.
But Heavenly Father has a plan for me. A plan that includes dreaming, waiting, and not knowing.
Someday I'll know. And most days I wish that "someday" was today or tomorrow. But until my "someday", I just have to trust Him, and follow Him.
Occasionally there are the days that I forget–I forget my dreams, I forget my wants–and I just am.
Those days, while they may appear dreadfully dull on the outside (or even sometimes to me), are actually quite peaceful.
Just being is oftentimes a blessing in disguise."

Sometimes we get so caught up in what we want to happen that we forget that our Father in Heaven has a plan for us, and we forget to live.
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During the sacrament today, I was thinking about the sacrament hymn, "As Now We Take The Sacrament", and one line in particular stood out to me: "And silently we pray, For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey". We pray for courage–courage to accept the Lord's will, and courage to listen and obey. We do not always know what's going to happen in our lives, or what the Lord is going to ask of us. But we need to pray for courage to accept His will. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes we want one thing, but the Lord has planned something else for us. Sometimes we may not understand why things happen, but we just need to trust Him. He knows what He's doing and He won't let us down. So we just need to have courage and trust Him.

One of my friends bore their testimony today and she said that (it's a little bit paraphrased), "Sometimes the way the Savior helps us is by letting us struggle. Struggle means there's growth. There's no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone."

I love that. Leaving your comfort zone is hard (I know), but it means you're growing and changing. Trust your Heavenly Father–He knows what you need to grow.

Learning and opportunities.

Letter H: I'm grateful for school. I am. I don't like the homework part, or the grading part, but I like the learning and participating and socializing parts. I like learning new things. Like Thursday in orchestra, I learned that you only break bow hairs when you apply lots of pressure and your bow isn't straight. Anywho. I like participating and making new friends or strengthening already there relationships. So I'm grateful for the opportunity I've been given to attend school, to learn and grow, and to make friendships.