Life is a Garden.

The days go by so quickly! It's already October 25th, 2020! Here's a few fun facts:

Somehow, Ricky and I:

-Have known each other for 1 year, 2 months, and 15 days

-Were officially dating for 3 months and 24 days before we were engaged (but we had known each other for 4 months and 4 days by that time)

-Were engaged for 5 months and 6 days

-Have now been married for 5 months and 5 days

-Have been on two family road trips (just us) to Southern Utah

-Have lived in two different apartments together

-Have been on a countless number of dates

-Have been to the temple together (including just walking around outside) about 10 times (that's almost once a month! Woo! Go us!)

-Have had 442 days (i.e. 1 year, 2 months, 15 days) of endless adventures and conversations

-Have both given and received countless hugs and kisses

Sometimes it doesn't seem real! It's so crazy to me that a year ago we were just dating! I loved being with Ricky and I didn't want it to ever end! I was so, so happy when he proposed to me! It was the best day of my life up to that point! I am so grateful that our wedding day (which is now the best day of my life) was absolutely perfect and went smoothly! 

We have learned a lot in our time being married. We've learned it's important to communicate. It's important to work together. It's important to love and support each other through all of the ups and downs. It's important to support each other's hobbies. We've learned it's important to put our relationship and the Lord first, before anything else. If we do that, everything else will start falling into place. 

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

—F. Burton Howard (“Eternal Marriage,” Ensign, May 2003, 94.)

“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

—Gordon B. Hinckley

(“This I Believe,” address at Brigham Young University, March 1, 1992.)

I love these two quotes about marriage! I believe them with my whole heart! What Ricky and I have is special, and is something to be treasured. Our marriage is a budding seed. We have to tend to it–we have to water it, make sure it gets enough words of LOVE, and that it gets enough sunlight! (It's true! Plants grow better with words of love and encouragement)

God is the Gardener of our souls. Sometimes, He cuts us down so we can regrow in new and better ways.

“God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”” ("As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten", D. Todd Christofferson)

I love this story. It's beautiful, poignant, and can apply to each and every one of us at many different stages in our lives. I think that we can apply this to our marriage. It is going to stretch us in many, many different ways, and we are going to have to be cut down sometimes in order for us to change and grow. I am so grateful to be married to Ricky, and to get to walk through this life with him. I hope that we will be able to say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting us down, and for loving us enough to make sure that we have the opportunities to grow."

I love God, I love my husband, I love this beautiful world we live in. I am grateful for the temples, for eternal marriage, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, through which we have the opportunity to be resurrected and be able to live with our families forever. 

I hope everyone has a great week! It's Halloween this week, so have fun and be safe if you're going to be trick or treating!

Xoxo

Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

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I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

Learning life lessons.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed my life in many ways this year, and I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does it because He loves me!

I can't believe the end of the year is here! It's been quite a year! I've learned a lot! I think that one of the main things that I have learned this year–though I still am struggling to understand it at times–is that there is a reason for all things. Things happen for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to. It's hard to remember that, though, and it's hard to have patience sometimes. But I know that when you take a step back, and try not to focus on some of the things that you want, that 1) time will fly by as you're waiting; and 2) sometimes something better will come along and you'll realize that what you wanted was a good thing, but this new thing is better for you.

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is looking back on the year, and being amazed at all the things that have happened this year. I look back at things that happened in March and April, and I go, "Was that really this year?" And it amazes me how time seems to fly by when you least expect it. I could have sworn that I have been taking my medication for a long time, but I just started taking it this year; I could have sworn that the summer went on forEVER, but then it was over; I could have sworn Fall semester just started, but now it's over; and I could have sworn I just turned 21 and had the greatest surprise party of my life, but I'm now a month out from being 22 and I can't believe it!!

I've grown and learned so much this year!! I am so thankful for all of the new friends that I have made, and for all of the love and support that I have received this year. I am grateful for all the adventures that I have had this year! I have learned many, many things about God's plan for me, and about who I am. 

I learned that God is always watching out for me. I learned that, in spite of my mistakes, He still loves me. I learned that, despite the fact that I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time, He never gave up on me. He still believed in me, and He had still forgiven me. I learned that He sends the best people in my life to come at times when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. I learned that I have so many people who love me, and that God wants to make sure that I know that I am not alone, and that I am not unloved. I learned that it's important to have at least a few strong and sweet friendships with people that you can always count on–people besides the Savior. 

I learned this year that I am wonderful. I am funny. I am kind. I am loving. I am gracious. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am hard-working. I am talented. I am creative. I am determined. I learned that I am all of these things but I am NOT my anxiety. I am NOT my depression. I have anxiety, and I have depression. But they do not define me. They are not a part of who I am. They are just mental health illnesses that I have. It has taken me a while to figure that out, but I think I am finally beginning to understand the difference. 

I learned that I struggle with school, which was kind of a surprise, but I learned that I love the learning part of school. I learned that I really love being organized and making lists–it doesn't always happen haha but it makes my life much easier. I learned that my life is my life and that it's not anyone else's, and that I have things to learn and go through that others do not. I learned that I can do a lot more with my life if I set my mind to things. I learned that my worth is not defined by others. I learned that who I am is who I am, and that nobody can take that away from me. I learned that it is okay to say no. I learned that it is okay to ask for help–and it is okay to keep asking for help until you get it. I learned that it is okay to want something at one time, and end up not wanting it later. I learned that it is okay to change your mind. I learned that sometimes I accidentally hurt people, and that I want to do all that I can to take away the hurt, but sometimes I can't do that. I learned that sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and forgive, let go, and move on–even if it hurts. And I learned that other people can feel and do these things too! So I also learned that I am not alone.

These are just a few of the things that I have learned this past year. Wow! I can't believe I have learned so much! What have you learned this past year? What has been the biggest thing that shaped your life this year? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear what you guys learned this year!

I am excited for the New Year, and for all the lessons that I will be able to learn next year. I am excited for all of the adventures that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months as I am finishing up school! And I am excited for all the unexpected adventures that are coming my way in this new year! Life might not always go exactly as I want it to, but somehow whatever happens always works out in the best way! God is great, and I am so thankful for Him! 💜💕

Xoxo

Mattie

I can #LightTheWorld by donating.

Not only is it now December, but it snowed last night!!!! I am so excited!!! I love Christmastime!! 🌨🌨🌨❄️❄️❄️

I can't believe that there are two weeks left of classes!! This semester has flown by! I only have 4 finals, and 3 of them are scheduled for the last two days, so I'm going to have a lot of time to study and get ready for the break!

I have a lot of projects due this week and next, so I hope that I can get them all done! I am so nervous! I have been struggling to focus because I know that I need to get them all done, but I just can't focus on one and so it's been really stressful. I am hoping to be able to make a list of the things I need to get done and their due dates so I can just work on them in order of the closest due dates.

I can't believe that 2018 is almost over!!!! What???!!! Where has the time gone?? It seems like just yesterday I was being surprised by my roommates and friends for my 21st birthday! Man, what a time that was!! I was so surprised and I felt so, so, so, so loved!!! And now, here I am, 11 months later, and I'm now in my last year of college, I've applied for graduation, I'm in a new apartment complex and ward, I've bought (and totaled...) my first car, I've been on many crazy and fun adventures, I've met so many new people, I started taking medication for my anxiety and depression, I've been able to see its impact in my life, and I'm preparing to go through the temple for the first time in a few months. I have come so far this year! I am honestly so proud of myself!! I've been through some tough things this year, but I have been able to get through it!! I am so excited to see where not only the rest of the semester will go, but where this next year will take me!!

Today was Fast Sunday, and I bore my testimony in sacrament meeting. I am so grateful for all that my Father in Heaven has done for me this year. It has been a difficult year at times, but I have learned and grown a lot, and I have been able to depend on Him.

He has blessed me with the best people in my life this year! I have felt SO MUCH LOVE this year!! And even when I have felt so depressed, lonely, stressed, anxious, upset, etc., I have been able to look back...I have been able to look back on my surprise party, and the notes that my friends wrote me...I have been able to look back on the times when I knew I could trust my friends...I have been able to look back on my adventures...I have been able to look back on the little moments...and I have been able to remember that I am loved!

Despite what my broken brain tells me, and despite what Satan tries to tell me, I am loved, and I am a daughter of the Most High God!! I have so many friends and family members who love me and are proud of me! Even when I don't feel like they love me or are proud of me, they keep loving me anyway.

The fact that they keep loving me anyway is a blessing. Because it means that they believe in me. They believe that I can overcome and rise above my mental disorders–but even when I can't, they are still there for me. That means so much to me!! I am so thankful that I have people in my life that I can count on to love me, have faith in me, are proud of me, and know that I can do it–because sometimes, I don't love myself...don't have faith in myself...am not proud of myself...don't think I can do it...and sometimes I don't think anyone else loves me, has faith in me, or is proud of me, either.

But I do! And they do! I do love myself, and I do have people who love me. I am grateful for the blessings that I have received this year, and this past semester. I am grateful that I am surrounded by so much goodness! I am grateful for the growth that I have seen in myself this year. I am grateful for the progress that I have ultimately made this year.

I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for His faith in me. He has given me so many chances to start over again...and I am so thankful that He loves me that much.

I am grateful for my Savior, and for His sacrifice for me. He bled and died for me, and He is always with me...I know that He loves me, and I know that He wants me to be able to live with my Father in Heaven again, and I am so thankful that He loves me enough to help me to be able to do so.

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This year, for Christmas, the Church is doing #LightTheWorld again, but they are doing a weekly setup instead of the daily opportunities. The theme is Give as He Gave. On the Church's Light the World website, the top of the page says, "Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, spent much of His ministry caring for individuals, one by one. Join us this Christmas as we follow His example and find ways to share our time, love, and resources with those in need." I love this! I am so excited to be able to Light the World this year!!

The first week is Light the World. Jesus Christ taught, “Ye are the light of the world.” We can share that light to all of God’s children when we give as He gave to people near and far. How do you want to #LightTheWorld? You can do so many things! Here are a few examples:

1. Yesterday, I was coming home from spending some time with my grandparents, and there was a group of people who were hanging out around the front of my apartment complex. These two guys asked if they could help me carry some stuff...I literally had my purse and my leftover sandwich...but I said, "Sure." I was really confused, obviously, until one of the guys said that they were going around doing service for #LightTheWorld. I thought it was super sweet and was thankful that they wanted to help–even if I didn't really need it! 

2. This week, my stake is doing a blood drive, and I was able to sign up!!! Every time I've ever tried to sign up when my last stake was doing blood drives, I was unable to make it. I am so excited!! I know that giving blood is important! I am also excited because I received my new driver's license this weekend, and I am now a donor! 

3. The BYU Design Department is holding a clothing drive on campus for homeless youth in Salt Lake City, and I think I might be able to drop some stuff off at one of the donation boxes on campus this week.

I know that these are little things that might not really matter right now, but they mean so much to me. I have recently been watching a lot of medical dramas haha which–I know they're not entirely accurate haha, but it has really burned into me the importance of donors. Especially at this time of the year, when it's really cold, and snowy, and icy–people get hurt a lot. I want to be able to help, if I can, and being a donor is important to me because if I have what somebody needs, then I should share it! 

I am grateful for the opportunities I have to serve those around me, and to bless them. I know that it is important for everyone to feel loved and to have what they need to survive, and to have love and support from those around them. And it is important for everyone to have people that they can count on. I want to be someone that my friends and family can count on.

I am so grateful for this Christmas season, and for the chance I have to think about my Savior, and about His birth, and His life, and the reason that He did all that He did. He did it all for us. He did it all for you, and He did it all for me. I am so blessed that He loves me enough to have atoned for me, and died for me. 

I love Him so much! He is my best friend and I can always count on Him! He and Heavenly Father are always there, and always listening. When I am having a bad day, and all I want to do is cry, I know that I can turn to Them. I can always ask God all of my questions...I can always tell Him all of my fears...all of my hopes and dreams...and I can always tell Him how I feel, no matter what. Sometimes I am upset because I don't understand why my life is going the way that it is going. He understands that. Sometimes I am frustrated because I can't figure out what He wants me to do. He understands that. Sometimes I am mad because I want something in my life that I can't have right now. He understands that. He understands it all. And He is there for me every step of the way. And if we need to stop climbing the mountain to let me breathe a little...we do.

Xoxo

Mattie

Happy Thanksgiving!

Two separate Facebook posts about today. I had a blast with my family today! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!! I'm grateful for so many things!! I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to go to school and get an education. I'm lucky and grateful to have been surrounded by so many great examples throughout my life. I'm so grateful that there are temples around. I'm so grateful for all of the opportunities that I have had (and will have) to grow as a person and to grow in the gospel. I'm so grateful for my family and friends (they love me in spite of my weirdness and craziness ;) ). I'm so grateful for the scriptures and the prophets. But most of all I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. His Atonement has helped me heal more times than I can count, but I know that I can always count on Him to be there for me.

It's been a really fun day. Filled with family, food, dessert (yes it's a separate category of food), funny videos, and laughing fits and outbursts. I love my family and I'm so grateful that I got to spend the day with them. I'm also grateful that I get to be myself. I know I'm crazier and weirder than most but I wouldn't trade who I am to be anyone else. I'm grateful that I get to be me because my world is better when I'm being myself–it's real. :)