Progress isn't perfect, it's progress.

Happy New Year! I hope you all celebrated safely with your friends and family. :)

This year, I am wanting to work more on my scripture study, working on Family History, exercising/stretching several times a week, and on taking a step back before I engage in any conversations that might cause me to be extra emotional (for various reasons, many of which are "because I am too overcome with the fulness of my emotions and can't properly voice my feelings without crying").

So far, I am doing pretty okay at these things. There is always room for improvement, and I am excited to see where I go from here! In addition to these things, I am also trying to be more okay with the times that things don't go as I had planned. Sometimes it's hard. I am trying harder every day to rise above my emotions and take control. Because my emotions don't control me; I control my emotions. It's okay to feel sad, and angry, but only for a little while. Taking hold of the reins is hard, but I am learning. 

I am trying very hard to remember to look ahead in comfort and peace, and not to look back in dismay and regret–I am not going that direction. You can't move backwards, and you can't change the past. So keep moving forward and change your future. 

I am also trying to remember that I don't need to be perfect at all these things all at the same time. It's okay for my progress to go up and down in some areas. Progress isn't perfect, it's progress. Life is up and down, and so is our progress at times. 

Luke 2 verses 40 and 52 says:

40 And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit, filled with wisdom: and the grace of God was upon him.

52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

Just like Jesus, we, too, grow and learn bit by bit, line upon line, precept on precept. He didn't know everything all at once, and He didn't grow all at once.

I love that God knows me, and that He knows what I need. I love that He knows where I am, and where I am going. I love that He is guiding me, and trusting me, and working with me. I am grateful for a husband who loves me and lets me take my time. I am grateful for a Savior who knows how to help me, and who loves me where I am.

Happy Sunday! I hope you all had a wonderful day. My younger brother Lander was ordained to the office of Deacon in our Church today and I am so proud of him! He is a smart, helpful, and sweet little guy who will do much good in the world!

I hope this week is full of tender mercies and blessings for you! God loves you, and I do too! May this year be one of growth for us all!

Xoxo

Mattie

Striving.

I am so grateful for this past year! 2019 was a year to remember!

Long story short:

• I went through the temple for the first time.
• I graduated from Brigham Young University with my Bachelor of Science degree in Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development in June.
• I started my first official full-time job after graduation.
• I went to New York for almost two weeks in July.
• I met (mid-August), started dating (later-August), and got engaged (December) to my now fiancé!

It was a wild year but it was full of blessings!

2020 will be a blast! I will spend the first half of the year planning my WEDDING!!! And the second half of the year married to my sweetheart. I am so excited!!!

I learned so much in 2019! Here are 19 things I learned in 2019:

1. I learned that God is always near. I went through the temple for the first time and that opened my eyes to many more revelations than ever before. I have gone back almost every month, I think, and sometimes more than once a week! I hope to keep that tradition alive this year as well!
2. I learned that things happen for a reason, and sometimes we will never know why. Sometimes we might look and look and search and search for answers, but nothing will come of it. That is okay.
3. I learned that the future can be intimidating, but you just need to jump right in! The water might be startling at first, but you will quickly grow accustomed to the change and ready to move ahead.
4. I learned that you can do all the research you want, but nothing can prepare you for any mishaps you were unable to foresee when planning a trip to New York with your friend. So sometimes you will have to make an adventure out of said mishap.
5. I learned that your happiness is only yours to give and take away. No one can make you happy or sad. It is your choice and yours alone. 
6. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, and sometimes when you go after what you think you want, you come to realize it isn’t actually what you want. 
7. I learned that no one is perfect, but that the right people will love you for who you are anyway. 
8. I learned that the people you can always count on are the ones you can always be real with. 
9. I learned that the blessings of the temple and the blessings of the scriptures go hand in hand. 
10. I learned that it’s more important to be loved than to be right. 
11. I learned that if you put in the work, you can do it all with the help of the Lord. 
12. I learned that life isn’t really a timeline. There aren’t really milestones or anything. Nothing happens for everyone in the exact same way. 
13. I learned that I can get really upset over stupid things because of my anxiety and depression. But I also learned that because of my anxiety and depression, I can get over said stupid things. It might take me longer than I’d like, or than other people can comprehend, and sometimes I might still be upset, but on the whole, I can heal from it in time. 
14. I learned that God and I had two different plans for the year 2019, but ultimately, His was better. 
15. I learned that nothing could prepare me for realizing that who I am now is only a small part of who I really am. 
16. I learned that I can do more. I am capable of being more. 
17. I learned that faith in God is more important than anything–even when I struggle with having faith in Him. And that Jesus Christ is always there for me. Even when I can’t see or feel Him. 
18. I learned that Satan will try to stop you when you are going in the right direction and making the right decisions. It will seem impossible, but God will bless you and help you through it. 
19. I learned that God has blessed my life in the last decade with more than I ever thought possible. I am especially grateful for this last year, and for the next chapter in my life. 

I have a few major goals I want to focus on this year, and I am so pumped!

1. I am going to strive to read and study my scriptures every day–I recently got a Book of Mormon Come Follow Me journal to take notes in, so I would like to fill it up this year!

2. I am going to strive to attend the temple every other week. 

3. I am going to strive to choose to be happy.

This year, I wanted to make my goals SMART goals. SMART goals are:

The last couple of weeks, as I've read the scriptures, and as I have listened in Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting, I've noticed the mention of "striving" in the scriptures. And I have decided that I want "strive/striving" to be my word for 2020.

I want to strive to make the most of what I have been given this year. I want to strive to be the Mattie that I used to be a long time ago. She was always so happy and joyful. She's still in there somewhere. I want to pull her back out. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year and a wonderful week this week!

Xoxo

Mattie

I can give more because He gave all.

At the start of the New Year, my mind kind of resets my daily schedule and I long for a new daily routine. Trying to keep up with said daily routine becomes difficult because there are so many things that I want to do in my new routine. But I have to start somewhere, so I've been delving into my scriptures this past week. It's been a blessing because I have been stressed about school starting this month but in studying my scriptures, and talking to my Heavenly Father, I have been a little more at peace with the starting of the new semester. I am looking forward to the new semester and I am excited to see where it takes me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week I was able to start studying the new Come, Follow Me manual, and as I was studying, I learned that being a disciple means to give my whole heart and soul to my Heavenly Father and Savior. Progressing in discipleship comes as I identify what I lack, and what I need to change, and how I seek to more fully follow Them. I learned that there is more I can do to turn to my Father in Heaven, and there is more that I can give. I can sacrifice my time for Him because He sacrificed His Son–who sacrificed His life–for me.

Jackson shared a poem in his testimony during fast and testimony meeting that I loved and I wanted to share it.

GETHSEMANE

In golden youth, when seems the earth,
A Summer land for singing mirth,
When souls are glad, and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight.
We do not know it, but there lays
Somewhere, veiled under evening skies,
A garden all must sometimes see,
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Somewhere his own Gethsemane. 

With joyous steps we go our ways,
Love lends a halo to our days,
Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,
We laugh and say how strong we are.
We hurry on, and, hurrying, go
Close to the borderland of woe
That waits for you and waits for me;
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,
Bridged over by our broken dreams,
Behind the misty caps of years,
Close to the great salt fount of tears
The garden lies; strive as you may,

You cannot miss it on your way.
All paths that have been, or shall be
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey soon or late,
Must pass within the garden's gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say:
“Not mine, but thine;” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass;” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
God help us through Gethsemane.
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

 I thought this was a beautiful poem and really loved the imagery and the peace and Spirit that I felt as Jackson read it, and as I reread it again just a few moments ago. I am so thankful for my Savior, who prayed and prayed and wept with me in mind; He prayed and wept FOR me, and I am so thankful that He was able to give me many more chances to try again. I am so thankful that, in times of loneliness and sorrow, I am able to have a comforting hand, and someone who knows exactly what I am going through.

"God is love." Someone said that in their testimony today. I loved it, especially because 'charity is the pure love of Christ'. So as we are being charitable, we are giving God and His love to those around us. I am so thankful that I have many opportunities each day and each week to bless the lives of those around me, and to show them not only my love for them, but God's love for them as well.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Xoxo
Mattie

Learning life lessons.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed my life in many ways this year, and I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does it because He loves me!

I can't believe the end of the year is here! It's been quite a year! I've learned a lot! I think that one of the main things that I have learned this year–though I still am struggling to understand it at times–is that there is a reason for all things. Things happen for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to. It's hard to remember that, though, and it's hard to have patience sometimes. But I know that when you take a step back, and try not to focus on some of the things that you want, that 1) time will fly by as you're waiting; and 2) sometimes something better will come along and you'll realize that what you wanted was a good thing, but this new thing is better for you.

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is looking back on the year, and being amazed at all the things that have happened this year. I look back at things that happened in March and April, and I go, "Was that really this year?" And it amazes me how time seems to fly by when you least expect it. I could have sworn that I have been taking my medication for a long time, but I just started taking it this year; I could have sworn that the summer went on forEVER, but then it was over; I could have sworn Fall semester just started, but now it's over; and I could have sworn I just turned 21 and had the greatest surprise party of my life, but I'm now a month out from being 22 and I can't believe it!!

I've grown and learned so much this year!! I am so thankful for all of the new friends that I have made, and for all of the love and support that I have received this year. I am grateful for all the adventures that I have had this year! I have learned many, many things about God's plan for me, and about who I am. 

I learned that God is always watching out for me. I learned that, in spite of my mistakes, He still loves me. I learned that, despite the fact that I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time, He never gave up on me. He still believed in me, and He had still forgiven me. I learned that He sends the best people in my life to come at times when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. I learned that I have so many people who love me, and that God wants to make sure that I know that I am not alone, and that I am not unloved. I learned that it's important to have at least a few strong and sweet friendships with people that you can always count on–people besides the Savior. 

I learned this year that I am wonderful. I am funny. I am kind. I am loving. I am gracious. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am hard-working. I am talented. I am creative. I am determined. I learned that I am all of these things but I am NOT my anxiety. I am NOT my depression. I have anxiety, and I have depression. But they do not define me. They are not a part of who I am. They are just mental health illnesses that I have. It has taken me a while to figure that out, but I think I am finally beginning to understand the difference. 

I learned that I struggle with school, which was kind of a surprise, but I learned that I love the learning part of school. I learned that I really love being organized and making lists–it doesn't always happen haha but it makes my life much easier. I learned that my life is my life and that it's not anyone else's, and that I have things to learn and go through that others do not. I learned that I can do a lot more with my life if I set my mind to things. I learned that my worth is not defined by others. I learned that who I am is who I am, and that nobody can take that away from me. I learned that it is okay to say no. I learned that it is okay to ask for help–and it is okay to keep asking for help until you get it. I learned that it is okay to want something at one time, and end up not wanting it later. I learned that it is okay to change your mind. I learned that sometimes I accidentally hurt people, and that I want to do all that I can to take away the hurt, but sometimes I can't do that. I learned that sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and forgive, let go, and move on–even if it hurts. And I learned that other people can feel and do these things too! So I also learned that I am not alone.

These are just a few of the things that I have learned this past year. Wow! I can't believe I have learned so much! What have you learned this past year? What has been the biggest thing that shaped your life this year? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear what you guys learned this year!

I am excited for the New Year, and for all the lessons that I will be able to learn next year. I am excited for all of the adventures that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months as I am finishing up school! And I am excited for all the unexpected adventures that are coming my way in this new year! Life might not always go exactly as I want it to, but somehow whatever happens always works out in the best way! God is great, and I am so thankful for Him! 💜💕

Xoxo

Mattie

A New Year means a new Me.

Hi! I had a busy day today. I was watching my friend's little boy (he's SO adorable! ❤️) for several hours. He's sooo cute and I just LOVE watching him play and have fun!! :) [Side note that I could probably leave out and is on my "Mattie Don't Do That" list but I'm Me so I won't leave it out and I will do it: If I could somehow split myself into multiple Mattie's, thus enabling me to watch him whenever she needs (as well as allowing me do what I need to do) I totally would]
I can't wait till the day when I get to watch my own little babies play and have fun, but for now, I will have to live with watching other people's–which is fine by me. More exposure to lots of kids who are just so cute! :)

It's almost a new year! New year, new me, new experiences, and new goals. It's all so exciting!! Buuuuuuut also terrifying. I'm not going to lie–I'm kind of terrified. I have a different work schedule this upcoming semester–the lunch shift Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. SO my afternoons/evenings are cleared up because my last classes on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays end at 3! So I'm super grateful for that. But this job pays less than my custodial job that I had the first half of the semester. And I have slightly fewer hours, as well. So it's a giant cut in my pay and I'm a little worried about that. Also, I'm not sure if I'll be doing spring semester or not–I still have to talk to my parents about that.

ANYWAY, this new year brings on New Year's Resolutions! The fun to-do/work on list that practically everyone quits following after a month or two. ;) I'm going to try really, really, really hard this year, though. My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1. To have consistent and meaningful scripture study and prayer. I am really bad at this–I will either get one or the other. This year I want to try and get both. It will be easier this year, I think, for this semester I am not working early in the morning or till 10 at night. But we will see. 
2. To be patient–with myself and others. I usually am more patient with others than I am with myself, but sometimes I get a little frustrated with others (though I try not to let it show because it's not their fault, and they're not doing anything wrong, it's just me being me). So I'm going to try and be better about that this year. Especially with myself, too. I am still, uh, healing, I guess, from something that impacted me greatly a couple of years ago and I just need to be patient with myself and work on it one day at a time.
3. To have kind words, thoughts, and actions. This one has become a bigger part of my life in more recent years as I've grown up. I am trying so hard to be a good person but it's getting a little bit harder as I am becoming more exposed to the world. 
4. To keep up/be ahead with my homework. This will be a little difficult, but hopefully less difficult, since my work schedule is on my days off, and my evenings are going to be cleared up. 
5. To manage my time well. I am bad at this. I either guess how much time something will take me to do wrong, or I put it off more than I should have, or both, or something else equally as bad. Anyway, I am going to try to be better about this.
6. To not be afraid to do something fun and/or spontaneous. This one I have trouble with sometimes. I worry about how much time it will take, or if I should have done that (that being any number of things from "Should I have sent that text?" to "Oh my gosh, I should not have waited so long to do this *fun thing* or *this thing I have to do sometime*"). Anyway, I worry about the time, or if I should have done that, or whatever, when I should just relish and bask in the fun-ness and the spontaneity of whatever I am/will be doing. 
7. To be more friendly. Sometimes I'm super friendly, but sometimes I get really shy or intimidated because that's just who I am. I have been getting a lot better (especially since I started college) but I have also been thinking and worrying a lot more (also especially since I started college) which needs to stop! So, cue number 8.
8. To not think or worry so much. This one is going to be the most difficult, I think, because it is just in my nature. I can't help it. I overthink everything and I stress about a lot of things that I don't/can't always control. Sometimes it's good, but a lot of the time it just makes me more stressed and worried. So I am going to try to keep it down. I'm never going to stop thinking or worrying, but I can definitely try to do it less often/intensely.
9. To a) be more Christlike; and b) turn to my Savior more often. As in daily. I need to remember that He is there for me whenever I need Him and that He will help me through anything and everything that I need to do. He will always be there for me, and I do not have to do anything alone.

As you can see, I have quite a list, which is a little intimidating, but also exciting! Usually I only have one or two things. This year, I have NINE! (Ten if you count 9 as two things, but eh) That's a little scary but I know that I can do it! As I focus on turning to my Savior, and being more like Him, I know that everything else will fall into place. I'm super excited for this new year–it's going to be way different, but also kind of the same. Here's to a new year, new goals, new experiences, new classes, new friends, new relationships, and a new me. :)

P.S. This is entirely irrelevant but I still haven't been on a(n official) date yet since I started college, and you know what? I've decided that I am completely okay with that and I'm not going to worry about it. It'll happen when it'll happen. And besides, I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am–which is kind of being troublesome. Throw dating into that mix and I will be a completely chaotic and insanely mad mess. ;) 

Happy New Year!! :)

Happy New Year!! Hope your 2013 was as entertaining as mine. I wish you the best this upcoming year. I hope it is filled with magic, wonder, love, and fun. But most of all, I hope it is filled with your love for our Savior, and His Gospel, and your recognition of His love for you. Keep calm and stay strong this new year. Love you all!!

Love and best wishes,

Mattie ❤