It's okay to not be okay.

I learned a lot this week about how to know the Lord's will for me, and how to understand His plan for me. I read a talk by Sister Ann C. Pingree that I really liked.

She starts out by saying that becoming an instrument in the hands of God is a privilege and sacred responsibility. We have to take the time to become an instrument in His hands. It isn't something that just happens. We have to work towards it. But we can know what Heavenly Father wants us to do! I really love and know this. There have been times where I have been able to be an instrument in His hands, and I knew that I was being an instrument, and it is such a sweet and special experience. 

She goes on to talk about how the only possession that is truly ours to give to the Lord is our will. Anything else we 'give' has been given or loaned to us by Him. But our will is the only thing that we can truly give to Him. I think this is so interesting and sweet. Of all the things on this earth that we give to Him...the only thing we can truly give to Him...is ourselves. Our will to do His will. That's what we can give to Him. And because of our agency...it truly is ours to give.

No one can make our relationship with God grow except us. I am the only one who can make my relationship with Him grow. Sure, other people can influence me, and bless me, and help my testimony grow...but only I can increase the intimate nature of my relationship with God. Only I can decide to have faith in Him. Only I can decide that I want to take time to go to the temple to find an answer, or to receive peace, or to feel His love. Only I can decide to study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, any notes I have from spiritual experiences...only I can decide to try to interpret them, and to use them to better myself, and to bless the lives of those around me. 

As I focus on my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes it's hard to not worry about other parts of my life–I have a lot of things going on in my life right now–but in the past couple of weeks, when I have focused on my relationship with Him, everything else has fallen into place, and everything else has run smoothly.

In the midst of learning about the Lord's will for me, I also had a few exhausting moments...a few trials that took a little bit out of me. But I was really listening to the testimonies that were given today...and to the lesson in Sunday School...and I didn't exactly get an explicit answer...but I got a direction. I got reassurance. I got a reminder.

I am a daughter of a King. A daughter of the Most Divine Being. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. My Heavenly Parents have a plan for me, and I am loved so deeply by Them. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can't ever do anything to not deserve it. I am loved just because I am His.

I am here to do a work. I am not always entirely sure what that work is...but it's okay to not know, and it's okay to have doubts and worries. This life isn't meant to be perfect, but it's meant to help me come closer to Him, and to become more like Him.

This week...there have been times that I was not okay. There were times that I felt forgotten. But as I was sitting in Sunday School, I wrote, "I know that I am not forgotten. I know that I am important, and loved, and I know that I don't need to be around people in order to feel happy or loved. So why do I feel like this sometimes??" I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I feel unloved, forgotten, and sad. I don't know. I don't know how else to tackle this problem. I'm doing what I can, you know? I am taking medication, I am talking with a therapist, I am praying, I am trying to eat better, sleep better...I am doing what I can...but sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's okay. You know, that's okay. Because it's okay not to be okay.

What I do know is this: I am broken, but I am also beautiful. God is helping me grow. He is taking my broken pieces and putting them back together. He is helping me become someone better than I am. He is taking me and rebuilding me. Sometimes...sometimes He has to break me in order to rebuild me. Sometimes I have to go through really difficult things in order to get back to where I need to be. Sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. Sometimes I need a reminder of whose I am.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father,

who loves me, and I love Him.

I will "stand as [a witness] of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places"

as I strive to live the 

Young Women values, which are:

• Faith • Divine Nature 

• Individual Worth • Knowledge 

• Choice and Accountability

• Good Works • Integrity 

• Virtue

I believe as I come to accept and act 

upon these values, I will be prepared to 

strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants, 

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. In those moments...I turn to my Father in Heaven. Because He is always there for me. Even if I might not be able to feel Him in that moment...I know that He is comforting me. I know that He is blessing me. I know He is proud of me for going through the temple, and for continuing to go back to bless the lives of my ancestors. I know He is proud of me for going to college, and for having and making plans to do something that I love. I know that He is proud of me for using my talents to bless the lives of those around me...even if I don't always see it or feel like I am doing anything extraordinary.

2 Nephi 4: 4: "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence."

This is my scripture this week. I love this one! It's so simple! As long as I keep the commandments...I will prosper. As long as I love God, and love my neighbor like myself...life will be good.

I love you! Heavenly Father loves you, too! I hope you have a wonderful week! Remember that you are a child of God and He has such amazing plans for you!

Xoxo
Mattie

I can give more because He gave all.

At the start of the New Year, my mind kind of resets my daily schedule and I long for a new daily routine. Trying to keep up with said daily routine becomes difficult because there are so many things that I want to do in my new routine. But I have to start somewhere, so I've been delving into my scriptures this past week. It's been a blessing because I have been stressed about school starting this month but in studying my scriptures, and talking to my Heavenly Father, I have been a little more at peace with the starting of the new semester. I am looking forward to the new semester and I am excited to see where it takes me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week I was able to start studying the new Come, Follow Me manual, and as I was studying, I learned that being a disciple means to give my whole heart and soul to my Heavenly Father and Savior. Progressing in discipleship comes as I identify what I lack, and what I need to change, and how I seek to more fully follow Them. I learned that there is more I can do to turn to my Father in Heaven, and there is more that I can give. I can sacrifice my time for Him because He sacrificed His Son–who sacrificed His life–for me.

Jackson shared a poem in his testimony during fast and testimony meeting that I loved and I wanted to share it.

GETHSEMANE

In golden youth, when seems the earth,
A Summer land for singing mirth,
When souls are glad, and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight.
We do not know it, but there lays
Somewhere, veiled under evening skies,
A garden all must sometimes see,
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Somewhere his own Gethsemane. 

With joyous steps we go our ways,
Love lends a halo to our days,
Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,
We laugh and say how strong we are.
We hurry on, and, hurrying, go
Close to the borderland of woe
That waits for you and waits for me;
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,
Bridged over by our broken dreams,
Behind the misty caps of years,
Close to the great salt fount of tears
The garden lies; strive as you may,

You cannot miss it on your way.
All paths that have been, or shall be
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey soon or late,
Must pass within the garden's gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say:
“Not mine, but thine;” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass;” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
God help us through Gethsemane.
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

 I thought this was a beautiful poem and really loved the imagery and the peace and Spirit that I felt as Jackson read it, and as I reread it again just a few moments ago. I am so thankful for my Savior, who prayed and prayed and wept with me in mind; He prayed and wept FOR me, and I am so thankful that He was able to give me many more chances to try again. I am so thankful that, in times of loneliness and sorrow, I am able to have a comforting hand, and someone who knows exactly what I am going through.

"God is love." Someone said that in their testimony today. I loved it, especially because 'charity is the pure love of Christ'. So as we are being charitable, we are giving God and His love to those around us. I am so thankful that I have many opportunities each day and each week to bless the lives of those around me, and to show them not only my love for them, but God's love for them as well.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Xoxo
Mattie