It's okay to not be okay.

I learned a lot this week about how to know the Lord's will for me, and how to understand His plan for me. I read a talk by Sister Ann C. Pingree that I really liked.

She starts out by saying that becoming an instrument in the hands of God is a privilege and sacred responsibility. We have to take the time to become an instrument in His hands. It isn't something that just happens. We have to work towards it. But we can know what Heavenly Father wants us to do! I really love and know this. There have been times where I have been able to be an instrument in His hands, and I knew that I was being an instrument, and it is such a sweet and special experience. 

She goes on to talk about how the only possession that is truly ours to give to the Lord is our will. Anything else we 'give' has been given or loaned to us by Him. But our will is the only thing that we can truly give to Him. I think this is so interesting and sweet. Of all the things on this earth that we give to Him...the only thing we can truly give to Him...is ourselves. Our will to do His will. That's what we can give to Him. And because of our agency...it truly is ours to give.

No one can make our relationship with God grow except us. I am the only one who can make my relationship with Him grow. Sure, other people can influence me, and bless me, and help my testimony grow...but only I can increase the intimate nature of my relationship with God. Only I can decide to have faith in Him. Only I can decide that I want to take time to go to the temple to find an answer, or to receive peace, or to feel His love. Only I can decide to study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, any notes I have from spiritual experiences...only I can decide to try to interpret them, and to use them to better myself, and to bless the lives of those around me. 

As I focus on my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes it's hard to not worry about other parts of my life–I have a lot of things going on in my life right now–but in the past couple of weeks, when I have focused on my relationship with Him, everything else has fallen into place, and everything else has run smoothly.

In the midst of learning about the Lord's will for me, I also had a few exhausting moments...a few trials that took a little bit out of me. But I was really listening to the testimonies that were given today...and to the lesson in Sunday School...and I didn't exactly get an explicit answer...but I got a direction. I got reassurance. I got a reminder.

I am a daughter of a King. A daughter of the Most Divine Being. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. My Heavenly Parents have a plan for me, and I am loved so deeply by Them. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can't ever do anything to not deserve it. I am loved just because I am His.

I am here to do a work. I am not always entirely sure what that work is...but it's okay to not know, and it's okay to have doubts and worries. This life isn't meant to be perfect, but it's meant to help me come closer to Him, and to become more like Him.

This week...there have been times that I was not okay. There were times that I felt forgotten. But as I was sitting in Sunday School, I wrote, "I know that I am not forgotten. I know that I am important, and loved, and I know that I don't need to be around people in order to feel happy or loved. So why do I feel like this sometimes??" I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I feel unloved, forgotten, and sad. I don't know. I don't know how else to tackle this problem. I'm doing what I can, you know? I am taking medication, I am talking with a therapist, I am praying, I am trying to eat better, sleep better...I am doing what I can...but sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's okay. You know, that's okay. Because it's okay not to be okay.

What I do know is this: I am broken, but I am also beautiful. God is helping me grow. He is taking my broken pieces and putting them back together. He is helping me become someone better than I am. He is taking me and rebuilding me. Sometimes...sometimes He has to break me in order to rebuild me. Sometimes I have to go through really difficult things in order to get back to where I need to be. Sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. Sometimes I need a reminder of whose I am.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father,

who loves me, and I love Him.

I will "stand as [a witness] of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places"

as I strive to live the 

Young Women values, which are:

• Faith • Divine Nature 

• Individual Worth • Knowledge 

• Choice and Accountability

• Good Works • Integrity 

• Virtue

I believe as I come to accept and act 

upon these values, I will be prepared to 

strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants, 

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. In those moments...I turn to my Father in Heaven. Because He is always there for me. Even if I might not be able to feel Him in that moment...I know that He is comforting me. I know that He is blessing me. I know He is proud of me for going through the temple, and for continuing to go back to bless the lives of my ancestors. I know He is proud of me for going to college, and for having and making plans to do something that I love. I know that He is proud of me for using my talents to bless the lives of those around me...even if I don't always see it or feel like I am doing anything extraordinary.

2 Nephi 4: 4: "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence."

This is my scripture this week. I love this one! It's so simple! As long as I keep the commandments...I will prosper. As long as I love God, and love my neighbor like myself...life will be good.

I love you! Heavenly Father loves you, too! I hope you have a wonderful week! Remember that you are a child of God and He has such amazing plans for you!

Xoxo
Mattie

God loves you enough to let you wait.

Feelings are fickle.
They change SO fast.
One day you can feel one thing, and the next you can feel another.
One minute you can feel one thing, and the next second you can feel another.
I personally just feel lots of things all the time and they take me on a roller-coaster of a ride. Sometimes I feel like I feel too much and I can't figure out how to turn it off. And I found this poem that I thought explained how I felt:

"Orchestrated Emotion" 

By Denise Tucker

My heart, 

Like an Orchestra, 

Is made of many parts, 

All trying to play 

At once. 

Lord, 

Direct the blend 

To end 

In Harmony— 

Not dissonance.

I love this. The Lord is the conductor of my life, and my heart, and I am trying very hard to listen and follow (and trust) His lead, but it is very difficult.

Life is hard. Emotions are hard. Motivation is hard. Everything is just hard. And sometimes it doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. But it will. God will help you. He puts the most amazing and selfless people in your life who you know without a shadow of a doubt with always bet there for you. They'll always be there to listen to you, love you, cry with you, and comfort you. They won't leave you. And He places people in your life to help heal you. And even though they can't always help you 100% of the time, Christ makes up the difference. He is always there for you. He will lift you up when you fall. He will carry you when you cannot walk. And He will love you. Broken, bruised, chipped, imperfect, unworthy, alone, lost, forgotten. However you feel, however you describe yourself, He will help heal you, and find you, and love you, and comfort you. For you are a Child of God and you have a divine nature and potential to fulfill. But we can't do it alone. So He will be there. Always. 

"Without the fundamentals, the details are useless. With the fundamentals, tiny gains can add up to something very significant." ~Vince Lombardi
          I loved this quote that Josh shared in sacrament meeting. It's so true! Foundations are important. Your foundation is made up of the fundamentals. Don't forget the fundamentals.

As we trust Him, our faith slowly increases. Faith either increases or decreases. It is always moving, but it all depends on us. We need to do the fundamentals–we need to do the important things. We need to study our scriptures, go to church, pray daily, and serve others. This helps us increase our faith.

Heavenly Father does keep His promises but we need to do our part. It's not enough to just say, 'You promised You would do this.' We need to do our part, too. We need to make an effort. We can't just expect Him to do everything for us. We have our agency. Sometimes Heavenly Father tells us exactly what to do, and the trial of our faith in that instance is full obedience, but sometimes He lets us choose, and the trial of our faith in that instance is to have faith in Him and choose for ourself.

Humility is one of the greatest keys of accessing the power of heaven and the Atonement. I loved this. It's hard sometimes to be humble but it's important to remember that we can't do everything by ourselves and we need help. We need His help in order to return to live with our Heavenly Father. He loves us so much and wants to give us the best chance to get back to Him.

In Relief Society we talked about the Sabbath Day, and someone said something that I really loved. She said, "Remember whose day it is. It is His day. He deserves the best from me. Even if it's just for one day." I loved that! The Sabbath Day is supposed to be a day of rest; a day separate from the rest of the week. And it's meant to help us show Heavenly Father how much we love and appreciate Him, and He deserves the best from us.

I had a thought the other day that I loved and wanted to share. I said, "Just because you aren't getting what you want when you want it doesn't mean that God doesn't love you. It just means that God loves you enough to give you what you want at the right time, and sometimes that means you have to wait." 

I hope that you have an amazing week! You can do hard things! Take things one day at a time and one task at a time!

Xoxo
Mattie

The Lord has a plan.

So I tried out for the talent show on Wednesday. Today I found that I didn't make it. And that's okay; there's always next year and I guess that there must be something else I need to do. Today I also tried out for choir for next year and I really hope I get in! The choir teacher said I sounded beautiful and she asked me when I have orchestra, so...*crosses fingers* I hope I got in!! If not, well...I'll be in dismay, and I may cry, but life goes on. I must be needed somewhere else if I don't get in. Also, just as a side note, I've had several friends say that they're sure that I'll get in because I have a good/great voice/talent, so I really hope they're right about me getting in! I tried out for two choirs; I'd be pleased with either. I know The Lord has a plan for me, and if the talent show (and choir) aren't in it, I can't wait to see what is!!!