This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie