Personal reflection and revelation.

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog. School has kept me insanely busy!

This semester is already halfway over! I had four classes, with one being only a seven-week course, so I am so glad that that class is over! I have a bit more time to work on the homework for my two digital content creation classes, which both include all of the editing and recording you can imagine for a video production course and an audio production course. After this semester, if I have done my math correctly, I have ONE semester left! I will not be taking classes in the spring/summer, but if all goes according to plan I will be finishing out my time at Ensign College in the fall semester!

I would like to thank my cute husband, my scholarship benefactors, and my Father in Heaven for all of the blessings, miracles, and support that I have been able to receive during my time at Ensign. While it has been stressful and exhausting at times, I have always been able to get my work done (mostly) on time.

I didn't have a long or thoughtful post planned for today. I just really wanted to get on and post a little update. I am really grateul for so many things, but I just wanted to give a shoutout to something that I have been participating in since August now and I wanted to share how it has blessed my life.

First shoutout goes to Sister Emily Belle Freeman, Young Women General President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She has a program called Inklings that is a worldwide institute class. Second shoutout goes to my sweet friend Tara, who posted about it on Facebook inviting anyone who wanted to join to do so. I jumped at the opportunity because I need Jesus in my life and I need an accountability buddy.

This experience has been such a blessing for me. Each week we read a chosen talk from the October 2024 General Conference, meet with our study group (mine meets on Tuesdays), and then every Thursday morning, Emily goes live on Instagram to discuss the talk. Afterwards, the Live story becomes available on her Inklings podcast. I haven't always been able to be on the live, but I really love and enjoy the fact that she has put each one on a podcast. Those are so much easier for me to listen to during my week. As life is crazy busy, sometimes I miss a talk. But I am getting better at being more proactive and listening to the talks in the week. I am trying to be better about listening to the podcast as well. I haven't always been a podcast kind of person, but I am slowly learning to love them–at least, the ones I've found that discuss the Gospel. :)

I am so grateful for the sweet messages and connections that I have been able to hear and receive due to this group of women I've joined with to discuss the Gospel with. We have had so many sweet, beautiful, powerful, and emotional experiences and interactions together. It has been so great to discuss the Gospel with them every week. It is the highlight of my work/school-week and I am so blessed to have been able to be a part of it for the last couple of months. :)

I hope you all have a great week! I hope that I will be able to post more frequently now that my classwork load is significantly lighter since one of my classes has ended now.

I am looking forward to the additional discussions about the Gospel that are coming this year. I am so grateful for a loving Savior and God who knows that we are imperfect, but He still wants us to turn to Him so we can live with Him again.

Xoxo

Mattie

God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

Personal revelation leads to personal improvement.

Hello friends!! This weekend was General Conference!! I was so excited and so grateful for all of the messages that were shared by our Prophet and other leaders of the Church.

I felt so much peace and love this weekend as I listened. There are many things that I can work on to improve, but I am going to take my time in order to not stress myself out more than normal. 

I am going to start with improving my personal scripture study and daily prayers. I have also recently begun to start working out. I think that these two things–improving my spiritual study and physical health–will help me foster other areas that I can work on, as well. 

Sorry this post is so late and so short–after Conference, I took a nap and Ricky and I went for a little walk before dinner. It was much needed. 

I am so grateful for personal revelation, and for the wonderful talks and messages that God wanted us to hear through His servants. I am grateful for the improvements that I am going to be working on. I am grateful for the upcoming holiday seasons (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and look forward to celebrating gratitude, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and remembering all of the blessings that we are and will be receiving because of His birth and, subsequently, His life, death, and resurrection.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week! God loves you, and I do too!

Xoxo

Mattie

Every day, I just have to remember.

It is good to be home! New York was really fun but I am grateful to be home.

I learned a lot about myself while I was in New York, and today in church I learned a lot about God, personal revelation, and trials.

I saw this post on Facebook the other week that I absolutely loved.

In Psalm 23:5 it says, "thou anointest my head with oil". The post on Facebook said

“Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply! His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always! There is peace in the valley! May our good, good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings! God is good and He is faithful!!” ~Author Unknown

I loved this post! How this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'anointing'. It is a protection against things that can harm us. We use oil to anoint the heads of those that are sick in order to bless them, but it is still a protection. It is used to give a blessing, and is used for protection against further illness, injury, etc.

I really love the idea that we are the Lord's sheep. He is our Shepherd–which means He anoints us to protect us. If we are lost, He will leave those who are not lost to find us. He wants us to be safe, and knows that we are safe in numbers. Which is why He has given us families. Neighborhoods. Wards. Stakes. He has given us places and groups of people where we can be loved, cared for, and safe. We are His flock, and He has made sure that we are surrounded with people who love and care for us.

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Today in Sunday School we were reading in Acts 10, and in verse 15, it says, "What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." I loved this!! Because I have been cleansed. I am not common. I am a child of God. He has blessed me and forgiven me and given me what I need to do to bless His children. It is not my job to judge others–or even myself. That is His job. If He says I am clean, then I am clean.

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I was talking with a friend about life things, and she shared with me a story that I loved and I wanted to share it with you:

'There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. 

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO 

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."'

I really loved this story. The Lord has asked me to push–He has asked me to be obedient. He has asked me to keep my covenants. He has asked me to sacrifice and serve. He has asked me to trust in Him. That is what I am to do. He will move the rock. 

My friend also said something else that I loved. She reminded me that not only did I make a covenant with the Lord, but HE MADE A COVENANT WITH ME. He covenanted that He will be with me, no matter what. Even when I cannot perceive Him–for whatever reason–He is still there. He is still with me. He is still right beside me. 

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Right now, I cannot see what's ahead of me. A lot of the time, this really frustrates me. Especially when I am trying to ask God for help, and I cannot seem to hear His reply. But my task is to push. My task is to trust. My task is to have faith. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems as if I am not getting an answer. Even when I cannot seem to see or hear Him. Because His task is to make it move. He made a covenant with me that He will be there. I made a covenant that I will be there for other people, and that I will remember Him. He made a covenant that He will be there. 

All of this is easier said than done sometimes.

I feel like I know all this...but applying it is difficult.

My anxiety doesn't help. My depression doesn't help. Not receiving an answer makes me feel lost and alone. Even when it's a close friend. Logically I know that there is a reason for their lack of–or late–response. Logically I know that God is there but He might have something for me to learn. But my depression whispers, "You aren't worthy of their love. You aren't worth their time. They don't really want to be there for you." My anxiety whispers, "Are you sure they are your friend? Is this how friends act?"

It is a constant battle. My faith is trying to remind me that God keeps His promises, but my anxiety and depression are trying to tell me that He keeps His promises to everyone else. But that is not true. He keeps His promises to me. 

This is my trial. I have anxiety and depression, and this can lead to trust issues. This can lead to me not hearing God. This can lead to me questioning the direction I am going. This can lead to me questioning if I am really loved. This can lead to me wanting to just stop existing, and to just end all of the turmoil and pain. This can lead to me believing and thinking that I am alone. 

But this is my blessing. I have been led to people who love me–despite my issues (that are, in all honesty, not as terrible as my brain leads me to believe). I have been led to people who listen to my problems when I am struggling. I have been led to people who know that sometimes all I need is reassurance that I am loved, and that I am doing okay. I have been led to people who were exactly what I needed when I met them–and who are exactly what I need when I turn to them. 

Life is hard. Especially when a lot of your problems stem from your own brain. Every day I am trying to remind myself that I am loved, that God is there, and that I am doing okay. Some days, I'm ecstatic to go to work, to see all the kids, and to teach them and learn from them! Some days, it is all I can do to get out of bed. 

Every day is a new adventure...and sometimes it's not a good adventure. But every day...I am pushing. Sometimes I am pushing with all my might, and sometimes my might isn't as much as it was the other day. That is okay. Pushing gets tiring. As long as I am doing my best, it's good enough. Because all God asks of me is to push. Push ahead. Push through. Push past. Push with all my might. He never asked me to move the rock. Because that is His job. He wants me to obey. So even when I don't understand, I push. Even when I don't understand, I do His will. Because someday it will all make sense. At least, that is what He tells me. And–despite my brain's insistence that I can't trust Him–I do. I trust Him with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. Every day, I just have to remember.

Xoxo

Mattie