God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

Tune my heart to sing thy grace.

It's been a pretty great weekend! Loved the messages in church, and I got to visit with my family yesterday, so that was fun! I was able to think about how grateful I am for my family today during the sacrament.

I am so grateful for my family. I went home Friday night so I could do some things in my room on Saturday and it was so great to spend time with my family! I'm grateful that we get to be together forever! I'm grateful that Jesus Christ died and was resurrected so that we can be resurrected someday, and live forever with our families. I am blessed to have an amazing family, and I love them and am so grateful for them. They make life better.

In Sunday School, we talked about building the kingdom of God. We talked about how the Saints were told to build a temple in Jackson, Missouri, but were unable to finish it because they were driven out. And we read in Doctrine and Covenants 124:49-53 that the Lord basically said because they were commanded, and tried to fulfill, even though they failed because of outside circumstances, the Lord accepts their offer (of what they completed before they were hindered). Which is so cool! Think about it–if God asks you to do something, and you try your best, but fail, God accepts what you've done! That is so amazing! The Lord is more worried about your effort and the direction you are heading, not about what you've completed. He's also more focused on the journey that you are taking, and the path that you are on. He judges us on our hearts, and our intentions. And He helps us become who He not only knows we can become, but needs us to be.

In Relief Society, we talked about covenants, and Margaret said something about what she thinks covenants are that I loved. She said, "Covenants are the path from where I am to where I want to be." I thought that was great. I think covenants are a promise of a better me; a guide to a path where I can be better, and become like God. Jane shared a quote from President Nelson that I loved: "We need women who are devoted to shepherding God's children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly." I loved this quote! We have so much potential, and the capacity to not only be great, but have a great influence on the world.

In choir today, we practiced for our number in the fireside tonight. We're singing 'Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing', and I am conducting it. We took a little time today to talk about what this song means to us, and we talked about how much the Atonement means to us, and how much Jesus Christ does for us. The line, "Bind my wandr'ing heart to thee" was talked about; even when we stray, Jesus Christ is right there for us when we return. He's our Savior, and He loves us. And He will always be there for us. I'm so grateful for Him, and so grateful for all of the help that He has given to me in my life, and for all that He does for me. He has helped me grow, and change for the better. I feel like I am closer to Him than I have ever been, and I am more in tune and at peace with how my life is going right now. I am grateful to live in and go to school in a place where I can speak of Him and no one bats an eye because they all love and believe in Him, too.

Xoxo
Mattie

Make it a lifestyle, not a checklist.

I had the opportunity to sit in church by myself this morning and I was thinking about this during the sacrament: This weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with my mom's side of the family at our family reunion. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that families can be together forever though the sealing power in the temple. I love my crazy, wonderful family and can't imagine life without them. I look forward to the day when I can be sealed to my future husband for time and all eternity. I am so thankful for the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, which makes correction, perfection, resurrection, and eternal families possible. <3

Here's some messages I heard throughout today (and some I came up with because of something I heard) that I loved and wanted to share:
-The Lord is there to save us when we walk towards Him. Even when we doubt, He still saves us. He will always save us.
-In striving to be better, we need to rise above challenges and trials. They are tailored uniquely to us. Even if someone has gone through something similar, they do not and cannot understand how you felt during that trial. Only Jesus Christ has, can, and does understand how you feel.
-Ask for opportunities to be better! God will hear you and help you grow.
-Mistaks are a part uv the jurney. ;)
-"We get credit for trying." (Elder Holland, "Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You"). Get back up and try again.
-One of the speakers shared some of the last words his father spoke, and one of the things he said that I loved was that, "Good things come to those who work hard for them."
-Alma 37:6. Take time for the small things that matter.
-Finding how the Lord communicates with you is so essential.
-An overall message of the Book of Mormon is to be spiritually born again and again and again (We are human, and the natural man is sometimes overpowering, and we have to strive to do right and be spiritually born again).
-Believing is so important. We need to have faith and believe.
-Just believing is okay. There is nothing wrong with believing and not having a knowledge of something.
-Strive to be worthy always so you may attend the temple.
-In following the commandments and trying to be worthy to attend the temple: Strive. Try. Make it a lifestyle, not a checklist. (I loved that last line. It applies to many aspects of the Gospel)
-The work we do in the temple is not just for us. It's for those who have gone before us.
-Don't take for granted the things you see every day.

In Relief Society, I shared a story of when I went to the temple this past year. One of my friends asked if I wanted to go with her and some others, and I said yes because I did. It was a great evening–I felt seen, loved, and wanted, and I received answers to my prayers. It was a very spiritual experience and I will never forget it. <3

I'm so thankful for inspired messages and comments. I heard many things today that I loved and that helped me in many ways. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father, who knows what I need to hear and how. I'm so thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and for His atoning sacrifice, because without Him I would not be who I am today. He has helped me heal and grow in a way that I would not have been able to do by myself. I am still growing and healing, but I know that I can do it with the help of my Savior. <3 I know that you can do it, too. He is there for you through everything, and if you ever want to talk, I am willing to listen, and I want you to know that your Heavenly Father will always listen to you. He hears you–every word.

Xoxo
Mattie

The Priesthood, motherhood, marriage, and family.

I've been thinking a lot today about what I want to post today. 

And I got my idea today during sacrament meeting. 

I was watching the young men in my ward pass the sacrament to the congregation, and I was thinking about how grateful I am that the young men in my ward are worthy priesthood holders, and how reverently they pass the sacrament each week. They have the power of God, and they use it reverently and respectfully.  I'm grateful that I have worthy priesthood holders in my life that I can turn to for blessings, and for help.

During this time, I was also thinking about the ordain women movement, and how I don't understand why those women want the priesthood because women have an important power from God, too: the power to create and bear life. The power of creation is a God-like power, and that sacred power was given to women–women are able to bear bodies for the spirit children of God. And then I was thinking of this scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 4:5-6: "And faith, hope, charity, and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence." And as I remembered this scripture, I was thinking of all of the wonderful mothers in my life that I look up to and love, and who display these attributes: my mom, my aunts, my grandmother, and several of my friends (like all of my past Young Women leaders, a few of the girls that I looked up to when I was a new Beehive, and others that I could name specifically but I won't because I don't want to be weird. Plus it would take too much time. Let's just say I have a lot of friends that are moms and I love them to death). Motherhood is a sacred calling and these women fulfill it in their own ways but they each do it beautifully. I'm grateful for their examples of charity, love, and how to be a good mother. 

Men and women both have different roles in Heavenly Father's plan, but that doesn't mean that they are not equal. Their roles are different, yes, but that does not mean that one is more or less important than the other. Men and women have to work together. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." Men and women both have different roles to fulfill, but they work together, and are equals in marriage.

I am so grateful for the wonderful examples in my life that show me what a marriage should be like, and I'm so grateful for the temple, in which families can be sealed together forever. I'm grateful that my parents were sealed together and that I get to be with my family forever, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can be sealed to my future husband and we can start our own family together.

Keeping the Sabbath day holy with our families.

Today in Relief Society we talked about how to keep the Sabbath day holy more fully. We talked about a lot of different things, like how we should prepare on Saturday so that Sunday is less stressful. We also talked about how the Sabbath day was made for man–it's a gift from God to us. We also talked about how oftentimes we talk about what we can't do on the Sabbath. We should start talking about the things we can do. We can spend more time with family, and we can spend more time studying our scriptures. Some of the ladies talked about how they play games with their families. Yes we can't do some things, but we choose not to do those things. Sunday is a day of rest from the world. I think that that means that we should spend time with our families...I'm trying to think of a way to say this, but I can't figure it out...I'm trying to say that spending time with our families is opposite of what the world wants us to do, especially on Sundays. Families are important to us. They're a central part of the Plan of Salvation. 

Sundays are important. It's important to go to church, to remember our covenants with the Lord. Sundays should be spent resting, remembering our Savior, and building our relationships with our family, and with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We get to be with our families forever. We should spend time learning to love them more. 

The Lord loves us so much that He gave us a day of rest from the rest of the week. I don't know about you, but my weeks are full of stuff–I'm always so busy doing things. It is so nice to be able to relax on Sunday, not having to worry about anything that I usually do during the week. I'm so grateful for the Sabbath day, and I'm so grateful that I get to spend time with my family on Sundays. (At least for now. I don't know what I'll do on Sundays when I'm off at college...Well, we'll see how that goes, I guess.) I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father gave us a day of rest. If I didn't have Sundays to rest, I think I'd be run a lot more ragged than I am. It's nice to have a day where I don't have to worry about what I did last week, or what I'll be doing this upcoming week. I'm so grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me and wants me not only to succeed, try, and try again, but also to rest, so He gave me a day to rest from six days of successes, trials, and errors. 

Life happens, and sometimes you have to pause it.

Life is hard sometimes, and sometimes we need to put it on pause or on hold for a little while, but with the help of our Savior, family, and friends, we can get through anything. Our Savior died and atoned for us so that we can live together as families in the eternities. I love that families are sealed together forever because when people die, it doesn't end. It doesn't have to end, because it doesn't. There is more to life than living. When we die, we return to being a spirit. When I was baptized, I promised to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort" and I promised to be "willing to bear one another's burdens that they may be light." Well, tonight I did all three of those, and I hope that I helped my friend and her family. Life is a happy thing, and death is a sad thing, but, in the end, it will all be worth it. The Lord loves you, He will always love you, and He NEVER forgets you. He blesses you, and things happen for a reason. We may not always know that reason, but there is a reason.