Lord, do you remember me?

I love going to the temple. I love the peace that I feel in the temple, and I love being able to sit in reverence. But yesterday was hard. We did sealings, which is usually fine. But this week, we found out our last cycle didn't work. So every time the sealer said, "wife and mother", I had to close my eyes and take a breath because I just wanted to cry. Even when we weren't at the altar, I had to focus really hard and take a breath.

After our session of sealings, we went to sit in the celestial room, and I started reading the Book of Psalms--I didn't read every chapter, but when I got to chapter 13, I can't even begin to tell you my feelings upon reading the chapter. 

David trusts in the Lord’s mercy and rejoices in His salvation.
To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.

1 How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5 But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
6 I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

It's hard to feel like God is with you or for you when it feels like He has forgotten you. Lately, I have been feeling like that. As I started reading this chapter, I felt seen. I felt my heart whisper, "Lord, do you even remember me?" As I continued reading the verses, I felt like Heavenly Father was whispering, "I am still here, Mattie."

When I got home and looked up Psalm 13 on my Gospel Library app, I found that I had already bookmarked that chapter, which was interesting, as when I had previously read it in the temple, I hadn't recalled reading/loving it before. But I think it was a tender mercy and a reminder from God that He knows me, and He knows what I need. And by prompting me to begin reading in the Book of Psalms, He knew that I would find peace in this chapter again.

I read or heard somewhere recently something that went a little like this: By saying how you feel, it can release the power of those words and feelings. I know that sometimes it doesn't always work. Sometimes, saying how you feel makes it more real. I think that either way, opening up your feelings is a really powerful way to tell yourself, "Hey, I know that I am feeling like this. Sometimes it doesn't feel okay, but it is okay to feel like this."

Knowing that God always remembers me, even when it feels like He has forgotten me, is also really powerful. Remembering Him, even when it feels like He has forsaken me, gives me strength. And sharing my experiences with loved ones increases my faith. So today, I'd like to bear my testimony that even though sometimes we might feel lost, alone, or forgotten, we are never lost, alone, or forgotten. Because God always knows where we are, He is always with us, and He will never forget us. 

You are loved. I hope you have a peaceful and blessed Sabbath Day.

Xoxo

Mattie

Purposeful change.

I can't believe this is the last week of August!! Where has the time gone?? There are 120 days left til Christmas–that's four months!! I still feel like we just finished January!

I'm starting to get really excited for this week at work! I'm hoping to make some Gak today that the kiddos will be able to make shapes out of. I want to color it different colors (because our theme is shapes and colors) but somehow we only have green food coloring, and I used that for a different activity last week, so I don't want them to have just green things hahaha–there are more colors than that! So we'll see! Maybe I'll make my own food coloring somehow! (Just kidding...I looked it up and it's waaaay more complicated than I thought it would be!). I am really grateful for my job! And I am grateful for my kiddos and for their willingness to give me a chance. One of my kiddos has never called me Miss Mattie before this week–he has only ever called me Teacher, and I almost cried when he called me Miss Mattie! I sure hope that I am changing these kids' lives, because they are definitely changing mine!

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I went to the temple yesterday and I had such a wonderful time. I often go in with a question or thought to ponder, but yesterday I didn't and I just felt so much peace. When I was sitting in the celestial room, I was trying to ponder some questions I thought of while sitting there but all I felt was peace, and that I didn't need to worry right now. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to live near so many temples and I am grateful for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father every time I am near.

Every day this week, I've been listening to conference talks, and I took note of some of my favorite things that were said. I'd like to share two quotes that I loved from Sister Michelle Craig's talk "Divine Discontent":

• "Being more does not equate with doing more." 
• "Divine discontent leads to humility."

I remember specifically loving these quotes when I first heard them in conference as well, and I thought about why these quotes specifically stick out to me. 

I think that that first quote really stands out to me because sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough–I feel like I am not good enough. So I try to do more things...but honestly, that does nothing, just like the quote says. I need to be content with the efforts that I am making and recognize that they are good enough! And they are helping me be enough. The efforts that I make to try and be more like Christ, and to help those around me, are perfect for me. They are perfect in helping me grow, and in helping those around me. Because when I am working with Christ, my efforts are perfected. 

As for the second quote, Sister Craig goes on to say that, "Discontent becomes divine when we humbly approach Jesus Christ with our want, rather than hold back in self-pity." 

Heavenly Father will multiply our efforts to be enough. There have been many times where I did something so small and simple and was even slightly embarrassed to have done it, but later was informed that it had meant so much to a friend and that they really appreciated it. 

As I turn to my Savior, humbly pleading for His help and guidance, I will be able to rise above and have divine discontent. I will be able to accept that I am not enough by myself, but that with Him, I am. 

I am grateful for the experiences that I have had this week! I had a conversation with a friend the other night that was very humbling, and made me realize a lot of things. I am trying to work very hard on owning my feelings, and realizing that I have a choice as to how I feel. It's hard work to change my feelings, especially when they feel so ingrained in me, but I know that with His help, I can do it. For were there not many people in the Book of Mormon who hardened their hearts, but later repented and turned to the Lord? (Not that my heart is hardened–just trying to show that it's not impossible to change your feelings). 

As I look back over the last few months, and my time at work, I can see how my feelings towards certain things have changed by accident–just through living life. How much more can my feelings towards things change if I turn to the Lord and purposefully try to change my feelings? I hope that it's a lot! Purposeful change, to me, is more personal and sweet because it shows that I am making the choices to change. They are not just happening to me, I am choosing them.

Grateful for a God who lets me see my flaws and know what things I need to change! I'm also grateful that He is very much aware and involved in how, when, and what I need to change! I'm so thankful that the Most Divine Being in the universe allows me to change and try to be like Him! 💜

Xoxo

Mattie