In my brokenness, I am His.

It's been a pretty odd week. No, wait, that's not what I meant. I meant "off". It's been a pretty off week. Well, I guess technically it's been both. Let me explain. (But first let me say that this is a vulnerable post that might seem scary to you, but really, I'm okay. :) )

Sometimes life seems like it's going pretty well but you just can't. feel. anything. Or you just feel so. dang. empty. And you can't really understand why. Everything seems to be fine. Classes are going well. Work is going well. But you just can't find the energy to do anything, or you just don't want to be productive.

Or you're sitting in a room full of people and you're not really part of any one conversation because you don't really have any desire to be, and you just pipe in to everyone else's conversations randomly when you hear something that interests you, but nobody seems to notice.

Or you just sit there, not saying anything, listening to everyone talk, and you're just there, and nobody seems to notice.

Or you're in the back room for awhile and when you come back out, you hear, "Oh, you're still here! I thought you'd left." And you know that you should be amused, or hurt, but you just feel empty. And yet, somehow you're all of the above.

This–all of what I have just explained–is my depression. But this is just a part of it. Some weeks it hits me really, really hard. Some weeks, my depression and anxiety are both extremely prevalent, and it's a really bad week. Sometimes, the week is fairly okay, but there is just one day that my depression hits, and I just can't do anything. I can't feel anything. I just exist. The scary part is that sometimes, I don't want to exist. I often wonder what life would be like if I hadn't existed. If I just *poof* vanished from the world, and from everyone's minds and lives.

In these moments–in all of the moments like this–it's hard to rise above it. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of water, and I've been struggling for so long–my arms and legs are so exhausted, and I just don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to relax, but I'm still in the pool. When I'm not struggling to stay afloat, I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Nobody's around to see me drown. It feels like nobody cares. And I go back to wondering what life would be like if I didn't exist anymore...

But suddenly there's this shadow above me in the water. There's a hand reaching down to me, down through the water. I grab the hand greedily, as if I'm thirsty and this hand is a glass of water, and steadily I'm pulled upward. I gasp as I break the surface and take deep breaths. I'm pulled over the edge of the water to the ground, and I look to my rescuer. And I start to cry because I know that face. He's kneeling down next to me, wiping away my tears, and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". For my rescuer is my Savior. I keep repeating, "I'm sorry" while I'm crying, and He just holds me. I don't know why He picks particular moments to lift me up, but I do know that He is always close by, and that He will never let me drown.

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In moments of vulnerability, and brokenness, it's hard to see how anyone could love me, or want to save me. I don't often feel like I'm worth it. I'm just a regular, average girl. But in my moments of vulnerability and brokenness I forget the most important thing: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. He loves me so much. I love this video because it shows that we are ALL children of God.

There is beauty in my vulnerability and brokenness. When I am broken and vulnerable enough to turn to God, I am allowing Him into the deepest parts of me, and I am letting Him see all of me, and I am letting Him in so that He can heal me.

"I am a broken soul, this is true.
But in my brokenness, I am freed.
In my brokenness, I am healed.
In my brokenness, I am found.
In my brokenness, I am His."
~In My Brokenness, by Mattie Radke

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I hope you all have a very wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! I'm grateful for the holiday seasons that are approaching! It's a wonderful time to remember to look outwards, and to help those in need.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life. My ward is AMAZING, and I am so thankful for all of the kindness that I have felt in the ward, and all of the love.

I am grateful for the ward that I was in the last two years. I grew so much there, and I really felt the love of my Father in Heaven there. I really felt like I had a place, like I belonged.

I am so grateful for all of the women in my life who have shown me how to love, and serve, and how to rise above the challenges that I will inevitably face.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family, and that I know I can always count on them.

I am grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven, and for His support. I am grateful that He sent His Son to save us. I am grateful that my Savior is always there for me, and that He is always waiting to lend a hand when I need it.

Xoxo
Mattie

Don't worry about it.

So I was listening to/singing the hymn "Lead Kindly Light" today and I came to the realization that the song is about Jesus Christ, seeing as He is the Light of the World. I don't know why I never realized it before. But I thought that was an awesome thing to notice today. :)
I've been thinking lately about a lot of things, and one of those is that I'm not doing enough. Sure, I'm doing a lot, and it's fine, but I'm not doing enough. And I can do better. I can be better. I might be struggling or in a hard spot right not, but I can do more. I can pray for guidance and assistance, and I can focus better, and try harder. Honestly sometimes I don't want to try or do anything, but I can. I have, and I will again. Sometimes life is hard and goes unplanned, or against your plans and wishes, but if you trust in God, and have faith, everything will be all right, and you will be blessed. 

I got a new calling today! I am the assistant ward choir director and I am super grateful and excited! I'm also grateful for my Bishop, who was inspired to bless me with what I needed to hear when he was setting me apart.

Church was SO amazing today. :)

Here's some of my favorite things from Sunday School today:
-Even though things can be hard here (on Earth), coming here (Earth) can make things better for us in the end.
-Knowing where we come from gives us purpose.
-It's God's plan for us to act, and to do what He wants/needs us to do.
-The Lord still has a plan for us that works around Satan's! Heavenly Father works with you as things change.

Relief Society was so amazing today! I'm going to miss Candace but am so excited for her to move forward with life!
-Strive to go to the temple. Do what you need to be able to go, and even if you can't, you will be blessed.
-Holiness is in striving and the struggle to keep the commandments.
-Anything worth having is hard to get.
-Holiness is making the choices that will keep the Holy Ghost in our life.
-You can make things holy by the attitude you have as you go about doing them.
-Jesus Christ is the center of holiness, of happiness. He sees us as His daughters and He loves us.
-Through His atonement, I can be redeemed, born again, changed, and righteous.

We went to the temple today to just walk around and ponder, and it was so peaceful! All my anxieties about my struggles melted away. I had all these questions, about why I've been struggling, why am I struggling, how could I fix it, and I couldn't find an answer in the scriptures, so I just sat there, and listened and felt the breeze brush past me, and listened to the birds singing. And I had this thought. "Don't worry." I was like, "What? But I have so many things that I am struggling with and need help to work on." Again, "Don't worry about it." So then I got up, headed down the path down to the front and there was this point where I just stopped, and I turned to look at the temple. It was so pretty. And I closed my eyes for a second, and this thought passed through my mind, "Thine adversity shall be but a small moment." And then I smiled and opened my eyes and walked down to where we were meeting to close. That was such a comforting thought and I needed it.

So grateful for the messages today! I'm so grateful for the Spirit that I've felt and for the promptings that I received. I'm also grateful for the little tender mercy that happened as we were walking to the car back from the temple. This guy pulled up in his car, kind of blasting his music, but not really. Anyway, the song was "See You Again". Which was my graduation song two years ago today. And I don't know why but I needed that, and thinking about it now, that moment helped me remember who I am. Where I've come from. How far I've come. Where I've been. Where I am now. How I'm changing. How I'm wanting to change. How I'm trying. And that reminds me of my blessing today. How God sees me. He sees my efforts. He sees my struggles, and He is so proud of me. He is proud of who I am. How far I've come. How hard I try. How much I love and care. And how much He loves me.

Kiera played "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" in the car on the way home. I love that song so much and am so grateful for its message! Especially today. It's so amazing–I have a Savior, who loves me. Cares for me. Died for me. And every day He is there for me. He is my Savior. My Redeemer. I wouldn't be who I am today without Him. What a blessing it is for me to have Him with me always. And what a blessing He is to me.  ❤️❤️

Xoxo
Mattie