Fear leads to doubt, faith leads to trust.

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot this week is fear and faith. Faith and fear cannot exist at the same time. Fear is such an overpowering emotion that it leaves no room for any other emotions. Faith is such an uplifting and empowering emotion that it lifts you up beyond any other emotions you would feel.

Elder Uchtdorf has said about fear, "It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father."

In that same talk, Elder Uchtdorf also gives us insight into how God motivates us to follow Him. He said, "He sent His Son! God sent His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to show us the right way. God motivates through persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned. God is on our side. He loves us, and when we stumble, He wants us to rise up, try again, and become stronger. He is our mentor. He is our great and cherished hope. He desires to stimulate us with faith. He trusts us to learn from our missteps and make correct choices."

I love these quotes from Elder Uchtdorf because it's a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father LOVES US and wants us to be happy, and He wants us to learn and grow. As we have faith in Him, and follow Him, we can get up and try again each time we fall. We can change and improve as we take the time to focus on the things He wants for us.

Sometimes, we just need to take a leap of faith. We just need to do it.

One time I was struggling to focus and my roommate Sabrina showed me this video.
Even though I'd already seen it before it made me smile.
Now, every time I am struggling, I think of this video and Sabrina, and I know that
I CAN DO IT.

God will bless us as we take the time to pray, and make a decision. He will guide and direct us if we are not going in the direction that He knows we need to be going in. But we must choose. 

In a talk by Sister Virginia H. Pearce from 1992, she says, "Why is fear part of earth life? Perhaps our Heavenly Father's greatest hope is that through our fears we may choose to turn to Him. The uncertainties of earth life can help to remind each of us that we are dependent on Him. But that reminder is not automatic. It involves our agency. We must choose to take our fears to Him, choose to trust Him, and choose to allow Him to direct us. We must make these choices when what we feel most inclined to do is to rely more and more on our own frantic and often distorted thinking." 

Elder Gerrit W. Gong said last October, "Our Savior knows our circumstances. As we exercise God-given agency and engage all our faculties in humility and faith, our Savior, Jesus Christ, can help us meet life's challenges and joys. Faith includes a desire and choice to believe. Faith also comes from obeying God's commandments, given to bless us, as we follow His covenant path."

I love these two quotes! In order for us to learn and grow, we must make choices. As we choose to turn to our Father in Heaven and our Savior, we are learning and growing. As we make more and more decisions to trust Them, we become less afraid and more faithful.

I know that it is often really hard to trust God, especially when something you want seems to be out of the picture or His radar, but I promise that as you trust Him, the path that you are currently on seems clear, and the path that you are hoping to take in the future doesn't seem so impossible.

I love my Heavenly Father and I am so thankful for the example of my Savior. I know that They love me so much and are rooting for me, and I am so thankful for Their support in my life, as well as the people in my life that They help place in my path.

Life is hard, but you have to remember to reach up for your Lifeguard's hand because He walks on water and will not let you drown. 

Xoxo

Mattie

In my brokenness, I am His.

It's been a pretty odd week. No, wait, that's not what I meant. I meant "off". It's been a pretty off week. Well, I guess technically it's been both. Let me explain. (But first let me say that this is a vulnerable post that might seem scary to you, but really, I'm okay. :) )

Sometimes life seems like it's going pretty well but you just can't. feel. anything. Or you just feel so. dang. empty. And you can't really understand why. Everything seems to be fine. Classes are going well. Work is going well. But you just can't find the energy to do anything, or you just don't want to be productive.

Or you're sitting in a room full of people and you're not really part of any one conversation because you don't really have any desire to be, and you just pipe in to everyone else's conversations randomly when you hear something that interests you, but nobody seems to notice.

Or you just sit there, not saying anything, listening to everyone talk, and you're just there, and nobody seems to notice.

Or you're in the back room for awhile and when you come back out, you hear, "Oh, you're still here! I thought you'd left." And you know that you should be amused, or hurt, but you just feel empty. And yet, somehow you're all of the above.

This–all of what I have just explained–is my depression. But this is just a part of it. Some weeks it hits me really, really hard. Some weeks, my depression and anxiety are both extremely prevalent, and it's a really bad week. Sometimes, the week is fairly okay, but there is just one day that my depression hits, and I just can't do anything. I can't feel anything. I just exist. The scary part is that sometimes, I don't want to exist. I often wonder what life would be like if I hadn't existed. If I just *poof* vanished from the world, and from everyone's minds and lives.

In these moments–in all of the moments like this–it's hard to rise above it. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of water, and I've been struggling for so long–my arms and legs are so exhausted, and I just don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to relax, but I'm still in the pool. When I'm not struggling to stay afloat, I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Nobody's around to see me drown. It feels like nobody cares. And I go back to wondering what life would be like if I didn't exist anymore...

But suddenly there's this shadow above me in the water. There's a hand reaching down to me, down through the water. I grab the hand greedily, as if I'm thirsty and this hand is a glass of water, and steadily I'm pulled upward. I gasp as I break the surface and take deep breaths. I'm pulled over the edge of the water to the ground, and I look to my rescuer. And I start to cry because I know that face. He's kneeling down next to me, wiping away my tears, and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". For my rescuer is my Savior. I keep repeating, "I'm sorry" while I'm crying, and He just holds me. I don't know why He picks particular moments to lift me up, but I do know that He is always close by, and that He will never let me drown.

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In moments of vulnerability, and brokenness, it's hard to see how anyone could love me, or want to save me. I don't often feel like I'm worth it. I'm just a regular, average girl. But in my moments of vulnerability and brokenness I forget the most important thing: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. He loves me so much. I love this video because it shows that we are ALL children of God.

There is beauty in my vulnerability and brokenness. When I am broken and vulnerable enough to turn to God, I am allowing Him into the deepest parts of me, and I am letting Him see all of me, and I am letting Him in so that He can heal me.

"I am a broken soul, this is true.
But in my brokenness, I am freed.
In my brokenness, I am healed.
In my brokenness, I am found.
In my brokenness, I am His."
~In My Brokenness, by Mattie Radke

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I hope you all have a very wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! I'm grateful for the holiday seasons that are approaching! It's a wonderful time to remember to look outwards, and to help those in need.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life. My ward is AMAZING, and I am so thankful for all of the kindness that I have felt in the ward, and all of the love.

I am grateful for the ward that I was in the last two years. I grew so much there, and I really felt the love of my Father in Heaven there. I really felt like I had a place, like I belonged.

I am so grateful for all of the women in my life who have shown me how to love, and serve, and how to rise above the challenges that I will inevitably face.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family, and that I know I can always count on them.

I am grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven, and for His support. I am grateful that He sent His Son to save us. I am grateful that my Savior is always there for me, and that He is always waiting to lend a hand when I need it.

Xoxo
Mattie

Sometimes there are hard days.

I'm not gonna lie: sometimes there are hard days. Sometimes they are really, really, really hard. Sometimes weeks are really hard, too. But I know that God will be there. I know that as long as I do my part, I won't have to do it alone.

Sometimes, the hard days are just emotionally hard. I'm so glad that I can turn to my Heavenly Father for comfort and peace, and that He will assure me that it is going to be okay. I know that He loves me, and I know that He wants what is best for me. Right now, I don't really know what that is. And that is okay. I know that He knows what He is doing, and I know that it will all work out in the end.

I'm grateful for my Savior, and for all that He has done for me. This weekend was kind of emotionally taxing, as you probably know from my previous blog post, but after I turned to my Savior, I was able to feel comfort, and I was able to rest. And I know that He can help me rest when I need it, and I know that He will help me finish whatever I need to get done, and I know that He loves me, and I know that He loves you. And I hope you never forget that I love you, too.

These are just some uplifting pictures that I love and wanted to share with you. :)

Sometimes we just need to remember that we are
children of God and that He loves us no matter what!!

I'm so glad that He is always with me. :)

He is our Lifeguard, and He walks on water.

Life isn't always easy.

Well, this week was pretty eventful. Yesterday in PE, we had a couple of marine corps guys come and we did this really vigorous obstacle course; it was a competition, and my team lost, so we had to do it again. I hadn't even fully recovered from the first time around, and I had to do it again?! I was super frustrated, and I was having a hard time breathing. Part of the obstacle course was we had two little ammo boxes filled with sand, weighing thirty pounds each, and we had to carry them and run down the gym and back. I honestly could not breathe and I thought I was having a panic attack/hyperventilating. When I finally finished it the second time around, I was panting so hard, and taking deep breaths, and trying to calm my body down. I went to get a drink, and that sort of helped, but only while I was drinking. For the rest of the day, I had trouble breathing. All throughout flex and lunch I was coughing and coughing. It was so bad...I honestly thought I was going to get asthma. I know it's not something you 'get' but I really thought I was going to get it, my breathing was so bad.

Life isn't always easy. There are always going to be obstacles in our paths, and just when we've finished one, another one is right around the corner. There will always be times where we can't breathe, so to speak. But, unlike my experience, our Living Water, Jesus Christ, will always help us. Our Lifeguard walks on water. He controls the storms and the waters. He will help us breathe, and He will help us drink and eat. He is the Bread of Life, and He is the Living Water. This is why, when we take the sacrament, we use bread and water in remembrance of Him. Even though life is crazy, and we sometimes don't get breathers between obstacles on our path, we can always count on our Savior to be there to help us. He walks on water, and He sees the bigger picture. He can and will help us through our troubled times if we let Him.