Life is a Garden.

The days go by so quickly! It's already October 25th, 2020! Here's a few fun facts:

Somehow, Ricky and I:

-Have known each other for 1 year, 2 months, and 15 days

-Were officially dating for 3 months and 24 days before we were engaged (but we had known each other for 4 months and 4 days by that time)

-Were engaged for 5 months and 6 days

-Have now been married for 5 months and 5 days

-Have been on two family road trips (just us) to Southern Utah

-Have lived in two different apartments together

-Have been on a countless number of dates

-Have been to the temple together (including just walking around outside) about 10 times (that's almost once a month! Woo! Go us!)

-Have had 442 days (i.e. 1 year, 2 months, 15 days) of endless adventures and conversations

-Have both given and received countless hugs and kisses

Sometimes it doesn't seem real! It's so crazy to me that a year ago we were just dating! I loved being with Ricky and I didn't want it to ever end! I was so, so happy when he proposed to me! It was the best day of my life up to that point! I am so grateful that our wedding day (which is now the best day of my life) was absolutely perfect and went smoothly! 

We have learned a lot in our time being married. We've learned it's important to communicate. It's important to work together. It's important to love and support each other through all of the ups and downs. It's important to support each other's hobbies. We've learned it's important to put our relationship and the Lord first, before anything else. If we do that, everything else will start falling into place. 

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

—F. Burton Howard (“Eternal Marriage,” Ensign, May 2003, 94.)

“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

—Gordon B. Hinckley

(“This I Believe,” address at Brigham Young University, March 1, 1992.)

I love these two quotes about marriage! I believe them with my whole heart! What Ricky and I have is special, and is something to be treasured. Our marriage is a budding seed. We have to tend to it–we have to water it, make sure it gets enough words of LOVE, and that it gets enough sunlight! (It's true! Plants grow better with words of love and encouragement)

God is the Gardener of our souls. Sometimes, He cuts us down so we can regrow in new and better ways.

“God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”” ("As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten", D. Todd Christofferson)

I love this story. It's beautiful, poignant, and can apply to each and every one of us at many different stages in our lives. I think that we can apply this to our marriage. It is going to stretch us in many, many different ways, and we are going to have to be cut down sometimes in order for us to change and grow. I am so grateful to be married to Ricky, and to get to walk through this life with him. I hope that we will be able to say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting us down, and for loving us enough to make sure that we have the opportunities to grow."

I love God, I love my husband, I love this beautiful world we live in. I am grateful for the temples, for eternal marriage, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, through which we have the opportunity to be resurrected and be able to live with our families forever. 

I hope everyone has a great week! It's Halloween this week, so have fun and be safe if you're going to be trick or treating!

Xoxo

Mattie

Becoming okay with being me.

The best part of this week was when my kiddos at work hugged me goodbye as I was walking out the door on Thursday. 🥰🥰🥰 They'd never done that before and it made me feel really special, and like I've been making progress with getting them to feel comfortable with me. 💜

The next best part of this week was when I was talking with a friend and had the realization of how precious time is, and how much of a gift it is. 💜

The next best part of this week was when I had the opportunity to go to the temple and one of the temple workers said I looked like a little porcelain doll and thanked me for my service that day. She was such a sweet woman who made me feel like I was loved and seen, and I know she was a blessing from my Heavenly Father. 💜

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Life isn't easy. Sometimes life is very hard. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward even when I feel very stuck. It's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, and every day presents new challenges. But as I keep my covenants, and turn to the Lord, I know that in time, things will work out.

In time, things will make sense. In time, I won't feel so stuck. "In time" has been one of my least favorite sayings recently, but I have recently realized that it can be a blessing. Now, I say this, and know it, but during the week, when things pop up, it becomes harder for me to remember. This happens a lot, actually, with lots of different things, and I can't figure out why, nor how I can help myself fix it. I've tried everything that I can think of, and still nothing has worked yet.

I think that what I have planned for my personal scripture study this week will help, but if not...I will keep going. I'll try again. Because something is bound to work. God doesn't want me to be sad, or feel stuck, and neither do I. So I will just try again.

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You know, I spent some time at one of my old YSA wards today, and as I was sitting outside, looking at the pool, I had a flashback to a little more than two years ago, when I was really struggling to find my purpose and feel needed. There were more times than I can count where I wondered what it would be like if I just sank to the bottom of the pool. It scared me to have those thoughts, but it just didn't seem like I was making a difference, that I was important, or that I was needed.

{Now, I recognize that those feelings weren't normal, and that I was experiencing depression. But at the time, it didn't occur to me that those feelings weren't normal. I thought I was just sad, and it was a weird sad. Technically, I was right, in a way. Depression is a weird sad.}

As I stared at the pool, I realized that I've come a long way. I'm no longer the scared 20-year-old sophomore/junior at BYU who felt like she didn't fit into the world. Now I'm the scared 22-year-old college graduate who feels like she still doesn't fit into the world. 😉

In all seriousness, I am still scared, and sometimes I feel like I don't fit into the world, but I'm becoming okay with that. I've realized that I don't need to fit into the world. I need to stand out from the world. And I think I do a pretty decent job at that most of the time. So I just need to remind myself that sometimes I don't fit in, and that's okay. There are some things that I don't understand about myself. And I don't know if I'll come to understand them in the near future. But in the meantime, I'm trying to. And that's all I can do.

I thank God every day that I'm finally at a place where I feel more comfortable to be myself. I don't always feel comfortable to completely be myself, but most of the time, I feel comfortable to be most of myself. And for that, I'm grateful. Because there was a time where I hated myself, and I couldn't be myself because I thought that I was annoying, and obnoxious, and too much. Sometimes I still feel like that, I'm not going to lie, but I've realized that I don't need to let other people's opinions of me define who I am. I am perfectly fine the way I am, and God loves me for who I am. 🥰💜

I hope that this week is a good one for you! Find something new each day to be intrigued by, and find someone new to bless. I know that God lives, and that He loves you. I know that He has a wonderful plan for you! I know you will do amazing things. 

Xoxo
Mattie

"Live by faith, not by fear."

"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

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I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

Life can't always be smooth sailing.

Life ebbs and flows like the waves on the seas. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes it's rough. Sometimes it's so blue, and sometimes you are so depressed, but sometimes it's so blue and you are so grateful.

You have to ride the waves, and be okay with the bumpiness and inconsistencies of life. It's important to wear your life jacket—for me, that's the Gospel. It keeps me afloat, and gives me life. And I also look to my lifeguard—my Savior. I know that if I sink, He will lift me up, and He will be there. He walks on the water, and He will never let me drown. 

This week was not the greatest. We had around 182 scouts to feed and so we were preparing food for like 300 people including staff and it was hectic and insane. But we made it through the week!! I was feeling very stressed this week and Friday night was kind of the climax of my stress but I have been feeling better now that all the scouts are gone. 

This week I was able to go on the Wilderness Survival Overnighter and I'm so glad I did!! It was such a beautiful nice and such a peaceful experience. I was able to think about a lot of things and it was good. It was very relaxing, which I needed this week. 

I can't believe I'm almost done working up here!! I go home in 13 days!! It's been a great summer. 

Serah said something today during her lesson that I loved. She said, "If the Lord wants to prepare His people, He sends them to the wilderness." And I just couldn't help but think, "That's me." I have really learned a lot this summer and I think I'm more prepared for some things than I ever have been before. I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had, and for the people I've met. I have come to love all the staff with all of my heart. They're all helpful, kind, funny, and sweet–and most of them are guys. ;) But seriously–they have taught me a lot and I really am so, so grateful for them. 

These last two weeks of camp are gonna be hard because I'm looking forward to going home, but I'm also really sad to be leaving. It's been an amazing summer, and I'm gonna miss everyone so much. 

I'm grateful for this experience, and for the lessons I've learned. I'm hoping that I will leave camp a better person than when I came here. I feel like I've changed a lot, but I also kind of feel like I am the same person. I hope that I have blessed the lives of those around me this summer. I have tried to be a friend to everyone, and I hope that at least I have been kind. 

I know God loves me, and I know that He blesses me every day. I hope that I am able to bless those around me for Him. 

I hope you have a great week!! Take a moment for yourself this week. I know that it'll bless you. God loves you!! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

He does not give up on you.

You never realize just how much you have to work on changing and improving yourself until you're studying the scriptures. And spending time with people. No one on earth is perfect. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes. We all have times where we struggle. But with Him, we can overcome. With Him, we can start again. And again. And again. With Him, we can keep trying. Though we will never be perfect in this life, we can align ourselves on the path with which we can someday become perfect through Christ. He will be with us every step of the way, and He won't let us fall.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to perform in sacrament meeting today! I'm grateful for Carrie and Megan, who agreed to perform with me and accompany me. They really helped make the experience amazing. I wasn't really super nervous until right before we were performing but it went amazingly and surprisingly well! I'm grateful for the message of "A Child's Prayer" and for the love that is so evident in the song. I'm grateful for the Spirit, and for the love that He helps us feel, and for the answers He helps us receive, and for the comfort and assurances that He gives.

I have had a really great week and weekend. I have learned a lot from my scripture study, and from talking and experiencing life with my friends. I've learned that I need to start being grateful for things that I do, and have, and not stress so much about things that I don't, and don't have. I learned that I can do amazing things and that I am stronger than I think I am. I learned that I am doing good things, but I can be doing better. I learned that there is moderation in all things, including emotions, which is something that I'd never thought about before, but RD (my therapist) brought it up on Friday and I really loved that. I learned that I need to re-evaluate my priorities in life and that I need to look past the surface, and focus on the essence. I need to take the little pieces, and use them to make something bigger, and brighter, and more beautiful. I learned that I am beginning to see myself differently, and on the whole, it's a good different. I learned that there is more to me than what I think, and I learned that there is more to life than what I think.

Despite what happens to you, you are still loved.

Lots of things can happen in the blink of an eye. You never know where life is going to take you. Or who's going to cross paths with you. You never know what kinds of experiences you are going to go through. Some of them are going to be easy. Some of them will be a little harder, but you can still get through them. Some, however, will be unbearably difficult, and you will think that you won't have the strength or capacity to go through them. These experiences (all of them) can be mentally or physically challenging. Satan is going to try so hard to get you to feel like you can't do it. He's going to try to make you feel unworthy, unloved, forgotten by God, and alone. Sometimes, he might succeed. Fortunately, we have a Savior, who loves us, and will always be there for us. He died for us so that we didn't have to be alone. He will bless you, love you, lead you, and guide you, if you'll let Him. He will take the pain, the loneliness–all those dark feelings–and replace them with peace, love, light, and truth. And He will never leave you alone.

Remember:

You are never alone.
You are always loved.
You are so blessed.

Life is going to change. That's life–that's the way that it works. Sometimes you're not going to want it to change. Sometimes you're going to be afraid. That's okay. It's okay to be afraid. But at some point you're going to have to move on. At some point, you're going to have to take a stand. At some point, you're going to have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "(Name), you can do this! All of your worries and doubts and struggles and fears are all in your head! Life is so great and you can so do this! It's going to be just fine!" Sometimes you just have to pluck up the courage to do something about it. About feeling afraid. Feeling alone. Feeling lost. Sometimes it's all in your head, and sometimes you just have to get out of your head. I know, I know–easier said than done. But it's worth it.

Sometimes you are going to feel left out. Sometimes you are going to feel like you're interrupting, or annoying. Sometimes you are going to feel forgotten–by friends, family. I promise you that they're always thinking of you. You might forget that [they are thinking of you], but just know that they are. I know they love you. You have a Savior who loves you, too. And I know that He never forgets you. You are engraved upon His heart, and upon His palms, because He died for you. There is nothing you can do that will make Him forget you or stop loving you. You can always return to Him.

Life is...well, life is life. It can be crazy–and it is crazy. Things happen–circumstances and people change. But you are not alone. You don't have to go through it alone. There are people in your life who love you. I know that there are people in your life who love you SO much! I know this, because there are people in my life that I love SO MUCH I can't even...and I can't even imagine my life without them. They're a blessing to me, and I know that the Lord knew that I needed them...I hope, too, that they need me.

There are people in your life who need YOU. They need your influence, your love, your insight, your whole being. They need you. You might not know it now–or ever–but I promise that they need you. There is something that you have in your life/personality that they do not, and that they need from you.

You are worth so much. You are a son or daughter of God, and He loves you. He wants to bless you with what He knows you need and deserve. He knows your potential, and wants to help you see it.

You have a divine nature and are so loved. I promise you, you are loved by SO MANY. 

Xoxo
Mattie

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Something I have been thinking about lately is "alone time". Mainly because I feel like I've had a lot of it recently, but also because I'm never alone. Not really. I always have my Savior, and the Spirit, as my companion. Sometimes, even when I'm surrounded by friends, I feel alone or left out...it's not on purpose, it just happens. But these moments are great because I get to watch my friends talk and laugh and have fun and it makes me smile. I love watching them enjoy themselves. It gives me a chance to just live in the moment for awhile, and to just be. I'm glad when it happens because it's often when I needed to take a step back and gather myself together. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for His love and mercy in my life. He is always there and He knows what I need and when.

I LOVED sacrament meeting today! Brother and Sister Durfey spoke to us and I heard so much that I needed to hear. They're super great and so sweet and I love them. Here's a few of my favorite things that were said:
-Sin robs you of peace. It takes the Spirit away.
-God will put you where you need to be.
-The sooner you stop comparing your life to others', the sooner you will have peace in your life.
-It does not matter what you do, it matters who you are.
-Living the gospel makes it possible to live a life without regrets. (Sister Durfey said that even if it turns out that this gospel is wrong, she won't care, because living the gospel has made her a better person).
-If you can serve every day, it will make you happier (I already knew this one ;) )
~Our trials and challenges are made for us–to help us change, and become stronger, and test us.
~Satan uses doubt as a tool to distract us.
~Heavenly Father loves you and will never abandon you.

In Relief Society we talked about cultivating an attitude of happiness and a spirit of optimism, and here are a few things we talked about that can help:

1) Rather than dwell on our problems, we can let a spirit of thanksgiving guide and bless us.
• 2 Nephi 5:27: And it came to pass that we lived after a manner of happiness (emphasis added). They lived in such a way that happiness could come, even in times of trials or challenges.
• Let your problems be. Admit that they are, and they're hard, but let them be. Don't focus on them.
• If you're worrying, or have anxiety about things, you're not trusting the Lord. Put more trust in Him–things will work out.
• Recognize that God is there. 

2) The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us a reason for gladness.
• Try to look at things with an eternal perspective, and ask yourself if this is important or relevant to your eternal salvation. If the answer is no, let it go.
• Enjoy and endure life. President Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." But we do have to endure to the end, don't forget. Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for us that is going on, but it's not over yet.

3) With knowledge that we are all children of God, we can stand a little taller, rise a little higher, and be a little better.
• Have faith. We're all learning and growing.
• We have the capacity to be and do more than we are.
• Focus on who you are, regardless of where you are in life.

I'm not going to lie, being positive and optimistic all the time can be hard sometimes. Sometimes I'm not, and that's okay. But you have a choice to either be positive and optimistic most or all the time, or to be negative and pessimistic most or all of the time. It is your decision. But it will affect your life either way. In choosing to be positive/optimistic, you will see the better side of life, despite challenges and trials that may come your way. You will have the opportunity to see and recognize all the tender mercies. In choosing to be negative/pessimistic, you will have a hard time seeing all the good in your life. You will not be able to see or recognize the tender mercies in your life. That is not what life is all about! Life is supposed to include happy parts–fun outings with friends, family game nights, going on a date, having a relaxing night in. Life is supposed to encompass both ends of the spectrum, and it's not supposed to just be a ball of negative happenings.

I know that it's hard sometimes to look on the bright side of things. It's hard to be happy sometimes. That's okay. It's important to try, though sometimes you won't be able to look on the bright side or be happy, and that is okay. We're not perfect, and our lives aren't, either. But as you try to be optimistic, I know that you will be blessed. You can also ask your Heavenly Father for help to be optimistic. He loves you and wants you to be happy. Remember that you are loved and that things will get better in time–I promise. <3

Xoxo
Mattie

Keeping on the path; and Defending the Family Proclamation.

Yes, I did post yesterday. But it's Sunday–I can't forget my weekly Sunday posts. :)

Today, I learned a lot about a lot of different things in Sacrament meeting:

• It doesn't matter where you are, it matters where you are going.
• Go back to the basics–we need to have a strong foundation, which means we need to keep working on it.
• Look towards the end/your goal. Set your sights towards your goal, for then you can focus on how to get there.
• When we feel alone, we are not, for Christ is always with us.
• Look to God. As we focus on the Savior, He won't allow us to sink.

In Relief Society, we talked about Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson's talk entitled, "Defenders of the Family Proclamation". One thing I highlighted was "If it is the Lord's plan, it should also be our plan!"

She talked about three principles that "are especially in need of steadfast defenders":

1) Marriage between a man and a woman. In today's world, the very definition of family is being torn apart! Marriage is between a man and a woman, for that is the way that God intended and created us to be. No laws, public criticism, or anything will change what the Lord has declared to be right.

2) The divine roles of mothers and fathers. Sister Jones had someone read a quote that I thought was truly inspired: "There is no one way to be a good mother." I love that. You do what is best for your family. It is different for everyone. Being a mother or a father is a divine role, and it is such an important one. You are the ones who teach your children of our Heavenly Father's plan. It is important for them to be reared in love and righteousness.

One cannot remember mother and forget God.
~President Thomas S. Monson

3) The last principle is the sanctity of the home. "We should 'make our homes' places of order, refuge, holiness, and safety." She said, "Let us defend the home as a place which is second only to the temple in holiness." Our homes should be a place of love and righteousness. As the definition of family is being torn apart, so are homes. It is important for children to have a real home to go to–one that is full of love, righteousness, and happy family members.

Today was my last Sunday in the ward. What a great way to end this chapter in my life!! I'm super nervous for school but I'm really excited to be moving on!! So glad that I always have my Savior to turn to. <3

The Quest of a Lifetime.

Finally started packing for college the other day (Friday). I have two boxes fully packed; my school supplies box isn't all the way packed because I didn't know if I would need anything else, so for right now it is staying open.

Packing has been difficult. College still doesn't exactly seem real yet.

I had another mission farewell today, but I had to pay tithing so I went to my ward for sacrament meeting, and we sang "Families Can Be Together Forever" and I nearly started bawling. Next week is my last week at church before I move, and I won't see my family all the time. I'm grateful for this (Porter's terrible 4's and my brothers all being up in each others' faces will be nice to get away from), but also sad. I'm going to miss it when all my siblings get along, and when my brothers do cute things.

I have been very emotional this month, especially since I have started packing and since I have realized that my siblings start school this week and I am not going to be joining them. Also especially since I realized that my friends and I are all going to separate schools (or going on missions for a lot of my guy friends) and we won't see each other quite so often. And making new friends is difficult for me sometimes. I don't really deal with changes all that well sometimes, and this one is a big change, which is why I'm really nervous, but I'm really excited. It'll be good for me.

I really am really excited for college, but I just can't stop feeling nervous and worried!! I'm super worried that I won't make a lot of friends and super worried that even if I do make friends, I might scare some of them off because I am (sometimes) a whack-a-doodle crazy person (<<Example. Who says whack-a-doodle crazy person??).

I was told that the more I focus on being scared, the more scared I'll become, so I'm trying really hard to focus on being super excited!! I was also told that "It's okay to live" and I know that; I also know that college is my time!! It's just me! It'll be fun. :) I really am excited. :)

I think part of the reason that I'm nervous is because I'm worried that I'll forget something or that my roommate won't like me, or I won't make friends soon, or that I'll forget something important–like how to be a normal person.

ANYWAY.

The point of this post was to share this:

Though I am going to be by myself;
Though I am going to be/learn to be an adult;
Though I am going to be scared;
Though I am going to be worried;
There is no need for me to be quite so scared, quite so worried;
God is on my side.
He is with me.
He will be there.

I sometimes forget that: He's coming with me!!! He won't let me go alone. He'll be there every step of the way. :) :) :)

I just have to be brave. It's like when I go swimming: if I dip my toes in, it's super freezing! I just have to be brave and jump in, and then my body gets used to the water rather quickly and it's okay. Change is like that; you just have to be brave and jump in. Everything will be okay. :) Especially because my Savior is going with me and He won't let me do it all alone. As long as I remember to study my scriptures, pray, and manage my time wisely, everything will be okay. :) :)

Life is just a big adventure, and college is the next step on my road map. 

This'll be the quest of a lifetime, and it's my quest. :) :)

Oh! And P.S. I have been working on my scripture study, and every night this week I have studied my scriptures/written in my scripture journal and prayed. :) This week, I'm going to try and pray in the mornings, too. :) Wish me luck!! :)

Rain.

Life's like rain. Sometimes there's none, but then slowly, drip by drip and drop by drop, it becomes a downpour and you get soaked. Now, don't get me wrong: I love dancing in the rain and getting soaked. But when life gets super busy, sometimes I have a hard time with it. But no matter the weather, Jesus Christ is always there for me when I need Him. So if a downpour of life gets too busy for me, I can turn to Him and He will help me. If a sprinkling of life gets too much for me, He will help me. If no life is too much for me, He will help me. No matter the weather, He will help me through it. 

Life is an unexpected journey.

Life doesn't always exactly go according to plan. There are things thrown in the mixture that turns it sour. Often they're really hard things that take time to heal. Know this: it can be overcome. It can be dealt with. You can heal. Yes, you will have scars, and yes, it will usually take a lot of time, but you will heal and you will have learned. If you've read my blog from the beginning you'll know that a couple of years ago I had a sour mixture for a while. But I overcame it. Not alone; oh, no, not at all! I turned to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and He was able to help me overcome it. But I still have scars. I still remember. But I've learned. And I move on. Sometimes, it's not that simple. Sometimes, it's a sickness, or a death, or both: a sickness that will end up with death. And that's hard. I'm not going to say it's not, because that's a lie. Watching someone you love die is hard. But with our Savior, we know several things:

1) We know that they will live again and be fully healed.

2) We know that they did nothing wrong to deserve it--this is just their trial. 

3) We know that our Savior loves them and has a plan for them. 

4) We know that there is something to learn from this experience--whether it be to trust in God, or to turn to God, or whatever it is that we learn, we know there is something to learn. 

Life doesn't always go exactly the way we planned it--sometimes a sour bit is thrown in the mixture. However, there is also sometimes a sweet bit thrown in the mixture. These are called blessings. And sometimes what we think is a sour bit is actually on the path that leads us to sweet bits, and vice versa. Life is an unexpected journey, full of twists and turns. But if we rely on our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can, in our own time, overcome and be healed. 

Life happens, and sometimes you have to pause it.

Life is hard sometimes, and sometimes we need to put it on pause or on hold for a little while, but with the help of our Savior, family, and friends, we can get through anything. Our Savior died and atoned for us so that we can live together as families in the eternities. I love that families are sealed together forever because when people die, it doesn't end. It doesn't have to end, because it doesn't. There is more to life than living. When we die, we return to being a spirit. When I was baptized, I promised to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort" and I promised to be "willing to bear one another's burdens that they may be light." Well, tonight I did all three of those, and I hope that I helped my friend and her family. Life is a happy thing, and death is a sad thing, but, in the end, it will all be worth it. The Lord loves you, He will always love you, and He NEVER forgets you. He blesses you, and things happen for a reason. We may not always know that reason, but there is a reason.