Lord, do you remember me?

I love going to the temple. I love the peace that I feel in the temple, and I love being able to sit in reverence. But yesterday was hard. We did sealings, which is usually fine. But this week, we found out our last cycle didn't work. So every time the sealer said, "wife and mother", I had to close my eyes and take a breath because I just wanted to cry. Even when we weren't at the altar, I had to focus really hard and take a breath.

After our session of sealings, we went to sit in the celestial room, and I started reading the Book of Psalms--I didn't read every chapter, but when I got to chapter 13, I can't even begin to tell you my feelings upon reading the chapter. 

David trusts in the Lord’s mercy and rejoices in His salvation.
To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.

1 How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5 But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
6 I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

It's hard to feel like God is with you or for you when it feels like He has forgotten you. Lately, I have been feeling like that. As I started reading this chapter, I felt seen. I felt my heart whisper, "Lord, do you even remember me?" As I continued reading the verses, I felt like Heavenly Father was whispering, "I am still here, Mattie."

When I got home and looked up Psalm 13 on my Gospel Library app, I found that I had already bookmarked that chapter, which was interesting, as when I had previously read it in the temple, I hadn't recalled reading/loving it before. But I think it was a tender mercy and a reminder from God that He knows me, and He knows what I need. And by prompting me to begin reading in the Book of Psalms, He knew that I would find peace in this chapter again.

I read or heard somewhere recently something that went a little like this: By saying how you feel, it can release the power of those words and feelings. I know that sometimes it doesn't always work. Sometimes, saying how you feel makes it more real. I think that either way, opening up your feelings is a really powerful way to tell yourself, "Hey, I know that I am feeling like this. Sometimes it doesn't feel okay, but it is okay to feel like this."

Knowing that God always remembers me, even when it feels like He has forgotten me, is also really powerful. Remembering Him, even when it feels like He has forsaken me, gives me strength. And sharing my experiences with loved ones increases my faith. So today, I'd like to bear my testimony that even though sometimes we might feel lost, alone, or forgotten, we are never lost, alone, or forgotten. Because God always knows where we are, He is always with us, and He will never forget us. 

You are loved. I hope you have a peaceful and blessed Sabbath Day.

Xoxo

Mattie

Humility in trials.

People go through many trials and challenges in life, each unique and personal. Some people lose their parents. Some people lose their children. Some people go through divorce. Some people experience natural disasters like earthquakes, fires, and hurricanes. Some people have health issues. 

I don't typically post too many details about it, but infertility has been a really challenging trial for me. While it is deeply personal and hard to talk about, especially in the Church, I appreciate the friends and family who've felt comfortable discussing their own infertility challenges with me while I'm going through my own; it's helped me not to feel alone.

Infertility treatments are expensive and not guaranteed. I hate that so much--recently, we spent a lot of money on the next procedure, not to mention all of the medications I needed to take, and it didn't work. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I can't do anything about it, but we were devastated when we found out it didn't work.

Moving forward is hard because I desperately want to try again, but the possibility that it won't work again looms over every thought. We're not made of money, and the procedures and medications are expensive and not covered by insurance. It's hard to make that decision, but we are trying to listen to the Holy Ghost to discern when it is time for us to make the next move forward.

I've been searching the Church's website for talks and scriptures to help me understand why trials occur and how to get through them when it feels like all hope is gone. In Mosiah 21: 5-14, the Nephites learn to humble themselves and turn to God:

5 And now the afflictions of the Nephites were great, and there was no way that they could deliver themselves out of their hands, for the Lamanites had surrounded them on every side.

6 And it came to pass that the people began to murmur with the king because of their afflictions; and they began to be desirous to go against them to battle. And they did afflict the king sorely with their complaints; therefore he granted unto them that they should do according to their desires.

7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

13 And they did humble themselves even to the dust, subjecting themselves to the yoke of bondage, submitting themselves to be smitten, and to be driven to and fro, and burdened, according to the desires of their enemies.

14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

The purpose of trials is to help us humble ourselves and turn to God. But what happens when we feel like we have already humbled ourselves and turned to Him, but we still have not received answers or are still feeling lost?

I asked my brother, who is serving his mission, this question, and he shared Ether 12:27 with me, and I was really drawn to Ether 12:28, as well.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

He shows us our weaknesses, but He also shows us that faith, hope, and charity bring us closer to Him, as well as to righteousness. 

In Elder Renlund's talk "The Powerful, Virtuous Cycle of the Doctrine of Christ" from the past April 2024 General Conference, he says the following:

"Spiritual momentum is created “over a lifetime as we repeatedly embrace the doctrine of Christ.” Doing so, President Russell M. Nelson taught, produces a “powerful virtuous cycle.” Indeed, the elements of the doctrine of Christ—such as faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, entering a covenant relationship with the Lord through baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end—are not intended to be experienced as one-time, check-the-box events. In particular, “enduring to the end” is not really a separate step in the doctrine of Christ—as though we complete the first four elements and then hunker down, grit our teeth, and wait to die. No, enduring to the end is repeatedly and iteratively applying the other elements of the doctrine of Christ, creating the “powerful virtuous cycle” that President Nelson described."

We are not meant to know all things in this life--the purpose of this life is to learn and grow and have faith in Jesus Christ. 

Life is HARD, and while I don't understand the purpose of this trial in my life, and I struggle with it daily, feeling very lost and alone at times, I know I can turn to my Savior for peace. 

Ricky and I went to the Payson Temple yesterday to do sealings, and even though I didn't receive a specific answer (and even left with more questions), I still felt peace. I spent a lot of time after our time in the temple thinking about how, right now, just sitting in the temple is often more precious to me than doing ordinances. While I love doing the ordinances, lately, it seems all I can hear is "and mother" in all of the ordinances, which is a little painful and hard for me to not think about. I often think about Jesse, how grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation, and for the blessings of eternal families. 

I am grateful for my sweetheart and the sweet opportunity we had last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Year five has started off great and I can't wait to see where it takes us.

I hope this Sunday has been a peaceful Sunday for you and yours. I know that God loves us always, and that He cares for us more than we will ever know.

Xoxo

Mattie

Life is a Garden.

The days go by so quickly! It's already October 25th, 2020! Here's a few fun facts:

Somehow, Ricky and I:

-Have known each other for 1 year, 2 months, and 15 days

-Were officially dating for 3 months and 24 days before we were engaged (but we had known each other for 4 months and 4 days by that time)

-Were engaged for 5 months and 6 days

-Have now been married for 5 months and 5 days

-Have been on two family road trips (just us) to Southern Utah

-Have lived in two different apartments together

-Have been on a countless number of dates

-Have been to the temple together (including just walking around outside) about 10 times (that's almost once a month! Woo! Go us!)

-Have had 442 days (i.e. 1 year, 2 months, 15 days) of endless adventures and conversations

-Have both given and received countless hugs and kisses

Sometimes it doesn't seem real! It's so crazy to me that a year ago we were just dating! I loved being with Ricky and I didn't want it to ever end! I was so, so happy when he proposed to me! It was the best day of my life up to that point! I am so grateful that our wedding day (which is now the best day of my life) was absolutely perfect and went smoothly! 

We have learned a lot in our time being married. We've learned it's important to communicate. It's important to work together. It's important to love and support each other through all of the ups and downs. It's important to support each other's hobbies. We've learned it's important to put our relationship and the Lord first, before anything else. If we do that, everything else will start falling into place. 

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

—F. Burton Howard (“Eternal Marriage,” Ensign, May 2003, 94.)

“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

—Gordon B. Hinckley

(“This I Believe,” address at Brigham Young University, March 1, 1992.)

I love these two quotes about marriage! I believe them with my whole heart! What Ricky and I have is special, and is something to be treasured. Our marriage is a budding seed. We have to tend to it–we have to water it, make sure it gets enough words of LOVE, and that it gets enough sunlight! (It's true! Plants grow better with words of love and encouragement)

God is the Gardener of our souls. Sometimes, He cuts us down so we can regrow in new and better ways.

“God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”” ("As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten", D. Todd Christofferson)

I love this story. It's beautiful, poignant, and can apply to each and every one of us at many different stages in our lives. I think that we can apply this to our marriage. It is going to stretch us in many, many different ways, and we are going to have to be cut down sometimes in order for us to change and grow. I am so grateful to be married to Ricky, and to get to walk through this life with him. I hope that we will be able to say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting us down, and for loving us enough to make sure that we have the opportunities to grow."

I love God, I love my husband, I love this beautiful world we live in. I am grateful for the temples, for eternal marriage, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, through which we have the opportunity to be resurrected and be able to live with our families forever. 

I hope everyone has a great week! It's Halloween this week, so have fun and be safe if you're going to be trick or treating!

Xoxo

Mattie

Life amidst chaos and uncertainty.

Long time no see! It's been a couple weeks, I think, since I last posted. It's been crazy around the world. The virus known as COVID-19 (or Coronavirus) has the whole world in a tizzy.

There have been crazy shortages of items, such as toilet paper and bottled water, by people who panicked. I think that that is mostly slowing to a trickle.

There has been an OUTBURST of memes (as always!) and they never fail to make me laugh! My brothers have been making their own memes, and I am impressed at how funny these little guys are!

School has been online for the last couple weeks, and will continue to be so until May 1st (at least, for now, in Utah).

Social distancing is encouraged, as well as staying at home/away from crowds as much as possible.

In church-related news, we have been having church at home for about three weeks. A lot of the missionaries serving around the world (including my own brother, Elder Radke) were sent home to be self-quarantined/isolated for two weeks, and then at some point will either be reassigned to a mission in their home country, or released from their mission. It all depends on the missionary and their stake. Temples were closing all around the world one by one, but then on March 25th, the First Presidency announced that all temples were closed until further notice.

To be honest, I was devastated when I heard that news. I am getting married on May 20th, and I was really looking forward to be sealed to my sweetheart for time and all eternity. Planning my wedding right now is actually really stressful. Like, it was stressful before coronavirus was really a thing, but now–with things changing literally every day–I never know whether or not I should move forward with certain things because a lot can happen in one and a half(ish) months and things could be a lot better by then. Then again, things could also be a lot worse. Either way, I am grateful to know that regardless of whether or not the temples will be reopened by the time we will be getting married, we will still be getting married and we will still have the opportunity to be sealed together once the temples are reopened.

Anyway, General Conference is coming up! It is THIS WEEKEND and I could NOT be more excited!! This year is the 200th anniversary of when Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith in a vision. It is going to be a conference like no other, for probably more than one reason. I am so excited to be able to hear from our prophet and other Church leaders.

The last couple of weeks, for church in my home, we have been reading and discussing things from our Come, Follow Me manuals. It has really been a blessing for me to be able to discuss and ponder the scriptures with my family. It's been a blessing for us to spend time together. I think that we have grown closer together. I especially am enjoying it because this is my last couple of months living with my family at home before I am getting married and moving out of the house for good. I am enjoying this time with my family and am grateful to have the chance to be with them together forever because of the death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amidst the craziness that is the world right now, one thing that has kept me calm (even thought I will admit, I haven't always been "calm" about some things in my life right now) is the fact that President Nelson has shared many messages of hope and peace, and President Ballard shared a beautiful message of calm and relief during this period of time where so many things are uncertain. He has been encouraging us to study the First Vision, as it is 200 years since it occurred in the year 1820. He invited us all–everyone around the whole world, including people who aren't necessarily members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints–to fast and pray this past weekend for relief from the coronavirus, as well as a blessing on the medical personnel who are and have been working on treating patients and finding a vaccine. It was an amazing experience to fast with my family this past weekend. It was one of the most powerful experiences I have had with fasting in my life.

My fiancé and I had our engagement pictures taken on Monday night. It was so much fun! I loved taking pictures with him and spending time with him! I am so excited to see how they turn out! The wedding is getting closer and closer!! And while things are continuing to be unknown and it's hard to plan certain things, I am still so excited and grateful for the chance to be marrying my best friend in a little over a month and a half!!

While this virus has kind of put the world (and life) on hold, I am still trying to live through the chaos and uncertainty. Texting, video-calling, using social media–connecting with my family and friends has mostly been virtual since we've been quarantined/isolated. I'll admit, that there are days and moments where I am just so done with everything and want this all to be over. There are days where I feel so helpless and like nothing is ever going to be the same again. Will the sun ever shine again (figuratively)? Some days, it doesn't feel like it. But I hold on to my faith. I know that life will go back to normal at some point. It might not be as soon as we would like, but I know that it will all be okay in the end.

I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father! I am grateful that my fiancé and I will still be able to get married, even though (as of right now) we won't be able to be sealed until the temples are reopened. I am grateful that this weekend is General Conference.  I am grateful for the scriptures and for the love, peace, and answers that come from them as I study their words. I am excited for the chance to hear what the Lord has to say to us through the prophet and other church leaders. I am extremely grateful for President Nelson, and for his words of comfort and peace during this time of uncertainty around the world.

Xoxo
Mattie

Striving.

I am so grateful for this past year! 2019 was a year to remember!

Long story short:

• I went through the temple for the first time.
• I graduated from Brigham Young University with my Bachelor of Science degree in Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development in June.
• I started my first official full-time job after graduation.
• I went to New York for almost two weeks in July.
• I met (mid-August), started dating (later-August), and got engaged (December) to my now fiancé!

It was a wild year but it was full of blessings!

2020 will be a blast! I will spend the first half of the year planning my WEDDING!!! And the second half of the year married to my sweetheart. I am so excited!!!

I learned so much in 2019! Here are 19 things I learned in 2019:

1. I learned that God is always near. I went through the temple for the first time and that opened my eyes to many more revelations than ever before. I have gone back almost every month, I think, and sometimes more than once a week! I hope to keep that tradition alive this year as well!
2. I learned that things happen for a reason, and sometimes we will never know why. Sometimes we might look and look and search and search for answers, but nothing will come of it. That is okay.
3. I learned that the future can be intimidating, but you just need to jump right in! The water might be startling at first, but you will quickly grow accustomed to the change and ready to move ahead.
4. I learned that you can do all the research you want, but nothing can prepare you for any mishaps you were unable to foresee when planning a trip to New York with your friend. So sometimes you will have to make an adventure out of said mishap.
5. I learned that your happiness is only yours to give and take away. No one can make you happy or sad. It is your choice and yours alone. 
6. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, and sometimes when you go after what you think you want, you come to realize it isn’t actually what you want. 
7. I learned that no one is perfect, but that the right people will love you for who you are anyway. 
8. I learned that the people you can always count on are the ones you can always be real with. 
9. I learned that the blessings of the temple and the blessings of the scriptures go hand in hand. 
10. I learned that it’s more important to be loved than to be right. 
11. I learned that if you put in the work, you can do it all with the help of the Lord. 
12. I learned that life isn’t really a timeline. There aren’t really milestones or anything. Nothing happens for everyone in the exact same way. 
13. I learned that I can get really upset over stupid things because of my anxiety and depression. But I also learned that because of my anxiety and depression, I can get over said stupid things. It might take me longer than I’d like, or than other people can comprehend, and sometimes I might still be upset, but on the whole, I can heal from it in time. 
14. I learned that God and I had two different plans for the year 2019, but ultimately, His was better. 
15. I learned that nothing could prepare me for realizing that who I am now is only a small part of who I really am. 
16. I learned that I can do more. I am capable of being more. 
17. I learned that faith in God is more important than anything–even when I struggle with having faith in Him. And that Jesus Christ is always there for me. Even when I can’t see or feel Him. 
18. I learned that Satan will try to stop you when you are going in the right direction and making the right decisions. It will seem impossible, but God will bless you and help you through it. 
19. I learned that God has blessed my life in the last decade with more than I ever thought possible. I am especially grateful for this last year, and for the next chapter in my life. 

I have a few major goals I want to focus on this year, and I am so pumped!

1. I am going to strive to read and study my scriptures every day–I recently got a Book of Mormon Come Follow Me journal to take notes in, so I would like to fill it up this year!

2. I am going to strive to attend the temple every other week. 

3. I am going to strive to choose to be happy.

This year, I wanted to make my goals SMART goals. SMART goals are:

The last couple of weeks, as I've read the scriptures, and as I have listened in Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting, I've noticed the mention of "striving" in the scriptures. And I have decided that I want "strive/striving" to be my word for 2020.

I want to strive to make the most of what I have been given this year. I want to strive to be the Mattie that I used to be a long time ago. She was always so happy and joyful. She's still in there somewhere. I want to pull her back out. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year and a wonderful week this week!

Xoxo

Mattie

Purposeful change.

I can't believe this is the last week of August!! Where has the time gone?? There are 120 days left til Christmas–that's four months!! I still feel like we just finished January!

I'm starting to get really excited for this week at work! I'm hoping to make some Gak today that the kiddos will be able to make shapes out of. I want to color it different colors (because our theme is shapes and colors) but somehow we only have green food coloring, and I used that for a different activity last week, so I don't want them to have just green things hahaha–there are more colors than that! So we'll see! Maybe I'll make my own food coloring somehow! (Just kidding...I looked it up and it's waaaay more complicated than I thought it would be!). I am really grateful for my job! And I am grateful for my kiddos and for their willingness to give me a chance. One of my kiddos has never called me Miss Mattie before this week–he has only ever called me Teacher, and I almost cried when he called me Miss Mattie! I sure hope that I am changing these kids' lives, because they are definitely changing mine!

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I went to the temple yesterday and I had such a wonderful time. I often go in with a question or thought to ponder, but yesterday I didn't and I just felt so much peace. When I was sitting in the celestial room, I was trying to ponder some questions I thought of while sitting there but all I felt was peace, and that I didn't need to worry right now. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to live near so many temples and I am grateful for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father every time I am near.

Every day this week, I've been listening to conference talks, and I took note of some of my favorite things that were said. I'd like to share two quotes that I loved from Sister Michelle Craig's talk "Divine Discontent":

• "Being more does not equate with doing more." 
• "Divine discontent leads to humility."

I remember specifically loving these quotes when I first heard them in conference as well, and I thought about why these quotes specifically stick out to me. 

I think that that first quote really stands out to me because sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough–I feel like I am not good enough. So I try to do more things...but honestly, that does nothing, just like the quote says. I need to be content with the efforts that I am making and recognize that they are good enough! And they are helping me be enough. The efforts that I make to try and be more like Christ, and to help those around me, are perfect for me. They are perfect in helping me grow, and in helping those around me. Because when I am working with Christ, my efforts are perfected. 

As for the second quote, Sister Craig goes on to say that, "Discontent becomes divine when we humbly approach Jesus Christ with our want, rather than hold back in self-pity." 

Heavenly Father will multiply our efforts to be enough. There have been many times where I did something so small and simple and was even slightly embarrassed to have done it, but later was informed that it had meant so much to a friend and that they really appreciated it. 

As I turn to my Savior, humbly pleading for His help and guidance, I will be able to rise above and have divine discontent. I will be able to accept that I am not enough by myself, but that with Him, I am. 

I am grateful for the experiences that I have had this week! I had a conversation with a friend the other night that was very humbling, and made me realize a lot of things. I am trying to work very hard on owning my feelings, and realizing that I have a choice as to how I feel. It's hard work to change my feelings, especially when they feel so ingrained in me, but I know that with His help, I can do it. For were there not many people in the Book of Mormon who hardened their hearts, but later repented and turned to the Lord? (Not that my heart is hardened–just trying to show that it's not impossible to change your feelings). 

As I look back over the last few months, and my time at work, I can see how my feelings towards certain things have changed by accident–just through living life. How much more can my feelings towards things change if I turn to the Lord and purposefully try to change my feelings? I hope that it's a lot! Purposeful change, to me, is more personal and sweet because it shows that I am making the choices to change. They are not just happening to me, I am choosing them.

Grateful for a God who lets me see my flaws and know what things I need to change! I'm also grateful that He is very much aware and involved in how, when, and what I need to change! I'm so thankful that the Most Divine Being in the universe allows me to change and try to be like Him! 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

There is a time and a season for all things.

This past week has been really rough as I have been getting back into my schoolwork and my jobs while still trying to take things easy as I'm healing from my appendectomy. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. But not only have my friends, family, employers, and teachers been so loving and understanding, so has my Heavenly Father.

I went to the temple with a friend yesterday, and I had an amazing time, as always. I got to do some sealings for some of my ancestors, and it was the first time I have done sealings before. It was really amazing! I can't even imagine how happy they must be to be sealed to their parents! One of my favorite things that I kept hearing as he was doing all of the ordinances was the part where it said something like, "it is as if you were born in the covenant" and I thought that that was so beautiful. There is no difference between being born in the covenant and being sealed into the covenant. I loved that. 💜

Afterwards, we went to sit in the celestial room for a bit, and I was praying really hard for an answer to something that has been on my mind for many, many months. How to be happy where I am. And how to see and find my purpose. These are a few questions that I have been wrestling with for a long time. It has been difficult for me to find the answers to these.

After we left the celestial room and headed out to get changed, I sat for a second and wrote down some of my thoughts. In the past, when I have gone to do baptisms, I usually take a notebook and sit in the chapel and write some of my thoughts before I head home. Usually, I just put my pen to the paper and the words just flow. I have no real conscious thought of what I'm writing, and I know that what I am writing is what God wants me to know and remember. Anyway, I did that yesterday and wanted to share my thoughts because I think it's important. 

There is a time and a season for all things. It is my season of single-hood right now but that does not mean that I am anything less. I am a whole daughter of God looking for a whole partner. I'm not a half daughter of God looking for someone to complete me. I am already complete.

My favorite lines are 'there is a time and a season for all things' and 'I am already complete'. I feel like these two concepts are something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I think it is a little ironic that they are the answers to one of my prayers. I am grateful, however, that I was able to receive this inspiration. It's a good reminder to me that I am already whole. I am already complete. I am already good enough. I don't need someone to complete me.

It's also a good reminder that life is about change and growth. There is a time and a season for all things. Unless you live in Utah, typically there are 3-ish or so months per season. There is a time for spring. A time for summer. Fall. And winter. Sometimes I feel like school has been my season of winter 🤣 and I am so ready for spring! 🌺 But I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to go to school, and to get an education. I am grateful for the growth and learning that I have gained and received, and I am grateful for the chance that I have had to study at Brigham Young University. It has been an amazing blessing, and I have met so many amazing people that I am glad to call my friends!

While I was sitting in sacrament meeting today, I was just writing and writing in my notebook, and I wrote a few things that I wanted to share. One of them was, "Everything happens for a reason, and God knows why. So I have to trust Him. I have to trust that I am where I am for a reason. I have to trust that I am who I am for a reason. As I make time for the scriptures, and for my relationship with the Lord, I will be blessed, and I will feel peace." I know that this is true. I know that I can learn and grow in all of the challenges and trials in my life.

The last thing is this:

Find joy in the journey.
Find the positive.
Find my purpose. 

Give my all.
Give my heart.
Give my time.
REMEMBER HIM.

Life will always be hard. There will always be challenges. There will always be trials. God will always ask us to do things that we don't always want to do. But I know that they will help us grow. I probably won't always entirely know the reason why things do or don't happen in this life, but I know that God always knows why. And that is enough for me. Because even when I forget, and even when I am struggling, He always knows why things happen. And He sends me beautiful little reminders every day that things will all be okay. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sometimes our physical adventures can lead to spiritual adventures.

I am so blessed and grateful for modern-day medicine! Here's an update on what could be considered one of the craziest weeks–if not THE craziest week of my entire 22-year existence.

The moments that change our lives are random and unforeseen. However, it is up to us on how they change us. An experience like the one I am currently going through–having appendicitis and being confined to my house–could break me. If I let it. But it can also make me stronger. Which is what I am trying to get it to do. I am trying to learn and grow from it. And I am trying not to let it break me.

Tuesday night (May 21st, 2019) I went to bed around 11:30/11:45pm after doing my homework because my stomach had started bothering me, and I thought that a night of sleep would help me recuperate. I woke up at 2:10am with the pain about the same or worse. I woke up my parents, and after about 45 minutes of the pain being the same or worse, my dad took me to the emergency room at the hospital around 3:15am. They drew my blood for some tests, and took a CT scan, and when the doctor came in around 5:30am, he said it was a good thing I listened to my body because I had early appendicitis. They gave me some morphine to help with the pain, and eventually they gave me a little bit of oxygen because the morphine caused my body to slow down so much, the machine kept thinking that I had stopped breathing. 🤣

May 22nd, 2019 - Me with my best friend oxygen

They moved me to a pre-op room upstairs, where I waited for surgery. Surgery kept getting pushed back because they already had a bunch of scheduled surgeries and I was just going to be fit into whatever time they could fit me in (during this time, I met a super cute nurse who had recently gotten back from his mission early and he was hoping to be able to go back soon but wasn't sure if he would. I think I told him it will all work out, but I was so sleepy and drugged up that I can't remember 🤣). By the time I got taken up for surgery, it was probably 10:30/10:45am and I had been at the hospital for about 7 hours. I don't remember anything after they helped me get up on the operating table. When I woke up in post-op, I had a really hard time keeping my eyes opened. They wouldn't let me leave until I could keep down some water and I could walk around a bit. I finally got home around 2pm and just crashed. My doctor said that I couldn't go to work for about five days, so I made sure that I got my shifts covered for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and I let my professors know I wouldn't be in class Wednesday-Friday. 

Everyone has been SO kind, thoughtful, caring, and loving as I have been recovering! I really appreciate all the love and well-wishes! I am very grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven. He has sent me quite a few angels at this time in my life–and I am so grateful for their love and well-wishes. I appreciate those who have been praying for me, and for those who have sent me sweet messages and even get-well baskets. I am so thankful that I only had to miss three days of school and work, since Monday is Memorial Day and everything is closed/canceled that day anyway. I am so thankful for all of the time that I have had to rest and heal my body. I am feeling a lot better today than I have been the past few days, and even though I am going back to work and school on Tuesday, I am not going to be 100% yet for probably quite a few more days at the very least. 

I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone, and that my Savior is with me, and understands me. He understands the pain I have been going through, and the suffering. Jesus suffered SO MUCH. He bled from every pore. He was whipped, hit upon, spit upon, and had a crown of thorns placed upon His head. He carried His cross up the hill to Calvary upon His back that had open wounds from being whipped and beaten. He had nails pounded into His wrists, His palms, and His feet. He died of a broken heart. He suffered for all the pains, sorrows, sins, afflictions, and temptations of the world. He suffered for you. He suffered for me. I am so thankful that I have had my Savior to turn to and to depend on in my times of need. 

In the April 2016 General Conference, then-President Uchtdorf said, "If a man can take the ruins, rubble, and remains of a broken city and rebuild an awe-inspiring structure that rises toward the heavens, how much more capable is our Almighty Father to restore His children who have fallen, struggled, or become lost? It matters not now how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trusted, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt...there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored." 

I love this quote. It reminds me of 9 years ago, this December, when the Provo Tabernacle caught on fire, and ten months later in General Conference President Monson said that we would use the Tabernacle to make another holy temple for the Lord. That is what the Lord does with us. He takes us in our brokenness and helps us to lay a new foundation–one that can help us become more of a holy temple for the Lord.

In Luke 15, Jesus gives the parable of the lost sheep, the piece of silver, and the prodigal son. Now, if you know these stories, you might be questioning how they apply to my experience this week. I'll explain. 

Luke 15:4-5 says, "4 What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 5 And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." 

In this parable, we are the sheep. Jesus is our Shepherd, and when we lose our way, we become the lost sheep. Now, this week, I didn't necessarily become 'lost' in the typical way we think of. I didn't stray off the path. I didn't fall away. But I did 'lose myself'. I had appendicitis. I had to go to the hospital. I had to take medicine that didn't always help me think clearly. I've been sleeping off and on for five days. I've had previous engagements that I had to cancel because I've been sick and recuperating. I kind of 'fell away' from the world for a bit. I've been homebound. I've felt alone, and lost. But my Savior has known where I have been the whole time. He has sent me angels, friends, ministers, and my family to 'find me'. To pick me up. To lead me home.

Luke 15:8-9 says, "8 Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it? 9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost."

In this parable, we are the pieces of silver. Jesus is the woman, and when we are lost, He does not stop searching till He finds us. In my pain this week, and in my sleeping it off, I might have become a little lost. I might have forgotten who I am. Whose I am. I might have forgotten that I have a loving Father in Heaven who cares for me. But He never forgot about me.

Luke 15:11-32 is a lot longer, so a few of my favorite scriptures from this parable are: "18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in they sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring froth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet... 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."

In this parable, we are the lost son. The prodigal son. I have heard that this parable should be called the parable of the prodigal sonS plural because even the son who stayed at home was also technically a prodigal son. Anyway, that is not the point of this parable in regards to my week. In regards to my week, I approached my dad and asked for help, much like the prodigal son who left. And my dad took me to the hospital, and gave me a blessing, and helped me get through this experience. 

One thing that I love about all of the parables that Jesus shares is how applicable they are to EVERYTHING. Until I was writing this, I never would have thought that I could apply the parables of the lost sheep, piece of silver, and son to an experience with appendicitis. But I can. And I did. And there is a lot more in our lives that we can apply these parables to.

I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for His love and support. I am grateful for my father on earth, who not only gave me a wonderful blessing last week right before my surgery, but a few weeks ago when I was struggling with school and life in general. I am grateful that I know that I am not lost to Him. I am grateful that I know that I am always within His sights. And I am grateful that I know that He loves me always, and has the greatest of plans for me.

Xoxo
Mattie

We need to minister love as He did.

I think that for the last two weeks, Life has just been like..."Mm, let's see...Mattie is almost on her last stretch...how much damage can we do before she gets there to make her not want to get there? 😈" Because goodness gracious, what a time it has been! From not only falling up the stairs and getting a gnarly bruise but waking up with a couple bizarre bruises this week to having the most awful migraine last week, I think the only thing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks is me breaking something–either a bone or part of my violin–which has often been a fear of mine. Wait, I lied. I haven't thrown up, either (though I've been nauseous a lot).

ANYWAY. Sorry for the extensive life update–I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. It's been a ROUGH couple of weeks for me–not only physically, but mentally, and I had to take a lot of time for myself because my mind and body needed time to heal. It has been a little stressful because I have had a lot of school things to work on that I haven't been able to work on as much as I wanted because I've been dealing with helping myself heal. But I am grateful that I have the faith and trust in my Heavenly Father to ask for priesthood blessings because I know that the faith to ask for priesthood blessings shows Him my humbleness, and willingness to listen to things He has to say to me. I know that as I do the things He asks me to, He will bless me, and He will bless my efforts.

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Once upon a time, there was a girl who envisioned the life that she wanted. And she started the path to that life. But she kept hitting dead ends. Some were quick dead ends; others were a little bit longer. She didn't understand. The map she had didn't show so many dead ends. So she went to the mapmaker to ask for guidance, direction, and insight. 

She asked the mapmaker, "Why are these dead ends not mapped out? I'd like to avoid them." She had had enough heartache and just wanted something to work out for once.

His response was short: "If you knew all the dead ends, you wouldn't learn from your mistakes." He knew she would learn better if she made her own decisions. 

Trying to understand, she asked the mapmaker, "How can I best navigate the course I desire?" 

He answered, "Take all the time you need to decide which paths to take, and which course to follow. If you have any questions, I am happy to answer them. But I won't be able to make any decisions for you. This life is all about what you want, and if I am making all the choices for you, it's not going to be what you want."

She thought about that for a minute and then said, "You are right. How can I know when to ask you for help?"

"Oftentimes," he said, "you will just know. You will feel it in your heart."

Thanking the mapmaker for his time, she walked back to the last point of the path where she had been. She looked at her map, and thought back to what the mapmaker had said about taking the time she needed. She knelt down and tried to figure out exactly what she wanted, what she needed, and which paths would give her what she desired. 

Standing up, she made a choice, and headed off in that direction. She wouldn't know for a long time if that was the correct choice or not, but for now, she knew that it felt right, and that it seemed to be what she needed right now.

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(In case you couldn't tell, the story above was an allegory for our life here on Earth. There are always going to be dead ends–paths that seem right at the time, but end up not going anywhere. God is our mapmaker, and He is always going to be there for us to guide us and help us, but He can't make any decisions for us; it is up to us what paths and choices we make. I hope that you remember that sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that if you fall, God will catch you.)

The message I got in church today was MINISTER LOVE. I loved the focus on ministering today. 

Alex asked a question in her talk that I loved: Are we the first person others think of when in need? I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that I at least try to be that person. 

Kyle asked a couple of questions that I loved, too: Who do I want to be? And what do I need to do to get there? I loved these because honestly, life is hard to navigate until you know who you want to be and what things you need to do to be that person. 

One thing that we discussed in Relief Society that I loved was that, after we go through/to the temple. we will received more temptations because we are more of a threat. And I know that that is true. This semester has been one of the hardest–not because of school, but because I have just had a lot of things going on that have been making it hard for me to focus on the right things. But I know that when I am able to focus on the right things, and do what I am supposed to do, that everything else falls into place. 

I went to the temple yesterday morning, and it was such a beautiful time. It was the first time that I went by myself since I've gone through, and it was a little scary at first but it was good. :) It was wonderful to just sit there and ponder on things that I have been worried about, and things that have been on my mind for awhile. One thing that I learned while I was sitting in the temple was that even though I make mistakes a lot, if I have the desire and will to change, as long as I have the Lord beside me, I can overcome whatever is thrown my way.

I am thankful for the blessings of the temple, of the priesthood, of the Spirit, of music, and for the blessing of being a woman. Life is certainly difficult, but I know that there are things that I can do because I am a woman, and I am thankful for the blessing of being ME because there are things that I can do that no one else can. And I hope that I bless the lives of those around me in the best ways.

God is a powerful being who made not only this world, but US. He made YOU. He made ME. And He created us to do a marvelous work that no one else can do. You are meant to do great things, and only you can do them. He will help you figure them out if you ask Him for help. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week! God loves you so much, and I do, too!

Xoxo
Mattie

It's okay to not be okay.

I learned a lot this week about how to know the Lord's will for me, and how to understand His plan for me. I read a talk by Sister Ann C. Pingree that I really liked.

She starts out by saying that becoming an instrument in the hands of God is a privilege and sacred responsibility. We have to take the time to become an instrument in His hands. It isn't something that just happens. We have to work towards it. But we can know what Heavenly Father wants us to do! I really love and know this. There have been times where I have been able to be an instrument in His hands, and I knew that I was being an instrument, and it is such a sweet and special experience. 

She goes on to talk about how the only possession that is truly ours to give to the Lord is our will. Anything else we 'give' has been given or loaned to us by Him. But our will is the only thing that we can truly give to Him. I think this is so interesting and sweet. Of all the things on this earth that we give to Him...the only thing we can truly give to Him...is ourselves. Our will to do His will. That's what we can give to Him. And because of our agency...it truly is ours to give.

No one can make our relationship with God grow except us. I am the only one who can make my relationship with Him grow. Sure, other people can influence me, and bless me, and help my testimony grow...but only I can increase the intimate nature of my relationship with God. Only I can decide to have faith in Him. Only I can decide that I want to take time to go to the temple to find an answer, or to receive peace, or to feel His love. Only I can decide to study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, any notes I have from spiritual experiences...only I can decide to try to interpret them, and to use them to better myself, and to bless the lives of those around me. 

As I focus on my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes it's hard to not worry about other parts of my life–I have a lot of things going on in my life right now–but in the past couple of weeks, when I have focused on my relationship with Him, everything else has fallen into place, and everything else has run smoothly.

In the midst of learning about the Lord's will for me, I also had a few exhausting moments...a few trials that took a little bit out of me. But I was really listening to the testimonies that were given today...and to the lesson in Sunday School...and I didn't exactly get an explicit answer...but I got a direction. I got reassurance. I got a reminder.

I am a daughter of a King. A daughter of the Most Divine Being. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. My Heavenly Parents have a plan for me, and I am loved so deeply by Them. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can't ever do anything to not deserve it. I am loved just because I am His.

I am here to do a work. I am not always entirely sure what that work is...but it's okay to not know, and it's okay to have doubts and worries. This life isn't meant to be perfect, but it's meant to help me come closer to Him, and to become more like Him.

This week...there have been times that I was not okay. There were times that I felt forgotten. But as I was sitting in Sunday School, I wrote, "I know that I am not forgotten. I know that I am important, and loved, and I know that I don't need to be around people in order to feel happy or loved. So why do I feel like this sometimes??" I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I feel unloved, forgotten, and sad. I don't know. I don't know how else to tackle this problem. I'm doing what I can, you know? I am taking medication, I am talking with a therapist, I am praying, I am trying to eat better, sleep better...I am doing what I can...but sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's okay. You know, that's okay. Because it's okay not to be okay.

What I do know is this: I am broken, but I am also beautiful. God is helping me grow. He is taking my broken pieces and putting them back together. He is helping me become someone better than I am. He is taking me and rebuilding me. Sometimes...sometimes He has to break me in order to rebuild me. Sometimes I have to go through really difficult things in order to get back to where I need to be. Sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. Sometimes I need a reminder of whose I am.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father,

who loves me, and I love Him.

I will "stand as [a witness] of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places"

as I strive to live the 

Young Women values, which are:

• Faith • Divine Nature 

• Individual Worth • Knowledge 

• Choice and Accountability

• Good Works • Integrity 

• Virtue

I believe as I come to accept and act 

upon these values, I will be prepared to 

strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants, 

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. In those moments...I turn to my Father in Heaven. Because He is always there for me. Even if I might not be able to feel Him in that moment...I know that He is comforting me. I know that He is blessing me. I know He is proud of me for going through the temple, and for continuing to go back to bless the lives of my ancestors. I know He is proud of me for going to college, and for having and making plans to do something that I love. I know that He is proud of me for using my talents to bless the lives of those around me...even if I don't always see it or feel like I am doing anything extraordinary.

2 Nephi 4: 4: "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence."

This is my scripture this week. I love this one! It's so simple! As long as I keep the commandments...I will prosper. As long as I love God, and love my neighbor like myself...life will be good.

I love you! Heavenly Father loves you, too! I hope you have a wonderful week! Remember that you are a child of God and He has such amazing plans for you!

Xoxo
Mattie

I hope I make Him proud.

Yesterday I went to the temple with some friends and I was able to take some family names to do, and it was so special! One of the things that stood out to me as I was sitting there listening to the ordinance workers was how much God loves me and wants me to be the best that I can be. As I am honest, true, and faithful to my covenants, I will be blessed–in this life, and in the life to come. That fills me with such peace and comfort. Life might not always go how I want it to go, but I know that everything God has promised me will eventually be available to me.

One of the blessings of doing temple work for my own family names is that I am helping my own family to come closer to God, and to come closer to having the blessings of being sealed to our family forever. It is so inspiring to know that my family has waited a long time for the blessings of the temple–and I am the one who gets to help them receive those blessings! I know that they are grateful for the time I take to help them receive the blessings of the temple, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to do their work for them. 

This is an older picture that I took of the Provo City Center temple last year, but it's one of my favorites. I really love this temple, and I am so grateful that I live so close. I haven't always been the best at going to the temple as often as I could be going, but I am wanting to do better, and I am trying to do better. I know that God blesses me as I take time from my busy schedule to go to the temple, and to do the work for those who cannot do it for themselves.

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Sometimes I don't always know what I believe. Sometimes I struggle with different things...but one thing that I know and that has never been something that I have doubted is my faith in my Savior and my Father in Heaven. No matter what goes on in life...no matter what I struggle with...They have always been there. I have always had my Savior with me, and I have always been able to count on my Father in Heaven. The most important thing to me is my relationship with Them. People come and go...sometimes people come into and out of my life faster than you can say, "Hello"...but Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always there. Their love for me, and Their trust and belief in me, is constant and enduring. It is never more clear to me than when I am in the temple.

I have been able to receive many answers and blessings through the temple, and because of my time in the temple. My day and week are blessed after I go to the temple. Answers that would just not come before...come after. Motivation that just would not come...comes. Stress that has been overwhelming...disappears. I know that I am blessed when I visit the house of the Lord. 

I know that I am not perfect...but I hope that what I offer to Heavenly Father is enough. I try to make a difference in the lives of those around me by being kind, and I hope that I make Him proud every day. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I know that I will–my birthday is this week!! I don't have any specific plans but I know that it is going to be a great day! Remember that you are always loved by God, and that I love you too! Happy Sunday! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Blessings of the temple.

I am SO BLESSED!!! I was able to go through the Provo City Center temple yesterday and it was SO WONDERFUL!! I was able to have many friends and family there with me and it was such a special time!! The whole day was beautiful and I am so grateful that I was able to go through with my loved ones.

I am so blessed to have had some of the most amazing examples in my life, who have loved me in my weaknesses, and who have pushed me in my anxieties and worries, and who have helped me to go and be above and beyond who I currently am and helped me see who I can become. I am grateful for those in my life who have supported me in all my endeavors, and who have helped me see beyond this life–beyond the frustrations, beyond the unhappy moments. I am grateful for those who have helped me see and remember that my Savior is there for me. He is always there. So when I'm feeling lonesome or sad and no one is around...I can always turn to Him. I've been so blessed to be able to have not only friends and family to turn to, but my Savior, and my Father in Heaven.

Sometimes there are parts of life that don't always go as planned. Sometimes people aren't who you think they are. Sometimes this causes sadness or disappointment. That's okay. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel sad. But we need to stand up. Brush off the negativity. And walk tall. Because YOU are a child of God. YOU are loved beyond measure. YOU are full of potential. YOU are someone that God can count on. YOU are one of God's warriors and He has an amazing plan for you!

I am really excited for this school semester! I'm almost done with college! I have six months left and I can't believe it! I have really been blessed during this time in my life. I have learned so much and grown in so many ways and I am really excited to finish this chapter in my life and start the next one. I've been able to realize some things about myself, and about some goals I have, and it has been a little scary at times, but ultimately, I've been able to take these realizations and use them to better myself, and to focus more on where I want to go in life.

I know that God loves me. I know that He loves you. I know that as you trust in Him, He will bless you. I know that when we do His will, and when we follow the Holy Ghost, that we will be blessed with love, power, and understanding. I know that as we bless the lives of those around us, God will use us more and more to serve and bless His children on earth–our brothers and sisters.

God is great, you guys. The temple is special and I am so blessed to have been able to go through. I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for me, and I know that He is with me every day. I know that the more I go to the temple, the more I will understand, and the more peace that it will bring to me.

Last week was a little crazy, but I know that this week will be a lot better because I went to the temple yesterday!! My friend said, "The temple always makes life better" and she is 100% correct!! I am so blessed to have gone through the temple and am so grateful for the love and peace that I've felt in my life since yesterday. God is so wonderful, you guys. I love Him so much and am so grateful for Him!! 💜💜💜

Hope you have a wonderful week!! Take things one day at a time! Life's a lot easier that way!

Xoxo
Mattie

Having the faith to be patient.

In Luke 1: 38, Mary said, "Behold the handmaiden of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word." I love this scripture because it shows the amount of faith and love that Mary had for God, and for His plan for her. Even though there was a lot of things that she didn't know about what was going to happen, and even though the situation wasn't entirely ideal for her or Joseph, she still had faith in her Heavenly Father. I can learn from Mary's example of faith and love in and for the Lord and trust that He has an extraordinary plan for me, and that if I ask Him, He will help me know and understand His plan for me. 

In his talk entitled "Faith Is Not by Chance, but by Choice", Elder Andersen said that, "Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek and hold on to it." I love this quote because not only does it say that faith is a gift from heaven, but it says that it is our choice. Much like Mary, who chose to believe in her Father in Heaven's plan for her, I can choose to believe in my Father's plan for me. I can choose to have faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, and I can choose to continue to have faith, despite any uncertainties or questions that may come up in my life. There is much that I do not know and understand about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and there is much that I do not know and understand about life. But I choose to believe in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, and I choose to have faith that everything will work out in the end. I choose to have faith that as long as I am doing my part, and as long as I am trying to love and serve those around me, that everything will be okay.

In her song "The Waiting Place", Calee Reed shares the message that God is always with us. Sometimes, even when we've been faithful, God doesn't always show us what we should do. It feels like He has left us alone. We keep pleading, pleading, pleading for answers, direction, peace, and love. 

"As we beg for peace, and trust in His love,
We may not get the answers we want
But answers come pouring from heaven above
And He whispers, You will know what to do
Just keep listening for direction
The path is yours to choose
Turn your heart where I beckon
Every question will be answered
So don't lose your faith
God is here waiting with you in your waiting place
You are never alone in your waiting place."

The answers will come. The peace will come. They might not be what we are looking for, but they will come. We just need to have faith, and we just need to keep praying, and keep listening. God is there. I promise.

Story time: In the summer of 2017, I was feeling a little lost, and I felt like I needed something more in my life. I was feeling kind of...stagnant in my testimony. So I wanted to start preparing to go through the temple. I didn't entirely feel ready, though. I went through the temple prep classes, and I was reading my scriptures and praying, but I still wasn't feeling ready. So I put it on the back burner, but it was still something I wanted. In the summer of 2018, I went to work at a scout camp up at Bear Lake. I was able to spend a lot of time in nature, connecting with my Savior, and my Father in Heaven. By the end of the summer, I had learned a lot and grown closer to my Savior. I finally felt ready! After discussing things with Bishop, I went to the temple prep classes again. Afterwards, I felt like there was no need for me to wait anymore. And so we set up an appointment for my temple recommend interview for the following month...and it's almost here! On Tuesday, I am meeting with Bishop (and the stake president) for my interview! And on Saturday, January 19th, 2019, I will be going through the temple for the first time!! I cannot wait! I am so excited!! And I am so thankful that I decided to wait till I actually felt ready. Before, it was just something that I wanted and thought I needed, and that's good. That's a good start. But I could feel that I wasn't ready; I needed more time. And somehow...somehow I was able to be patient as I worked with myself in being ready. And I am so thankful that I was able to work on myself, and my testimony more. I know that God has blessed me in the past year and a half since I decided that I wanted to work towards this goal, and I am so grateful for His love and hand in my life!

This experience has been amazing. As I'm looking back, I'm realizing that I was not only patient, but I was ecstatic to be patient! I didn't want to go through if I didn't feel ready. I feel blessed that I was able to understand how special and sacred this experience is going to be, and how I have wanted to be as prepared as I can be. I am grateful that I had the faith to be patient, and wait till I felt ready. I am grateful that I have had such a loving support system, and I am grateful that I have had such a special desire to wait until I was ready to go through. I know that God will bless me for that.

I am grateful that I will have such a busy week at school this week! It will help the week go by faster as I am waiting for Saturday to come! I am looking forward to this semester, and to growing and learning. I am looking forward to graduating in June! I can't believe I am almost done with school! I am looking forward to getting out in the world and to making my mark! I can't wait to see what I do!

Have a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

I can #LightTheWorld by serving.

I am so grateful for the people in my life!! It's been a little bit of a crazy week but I have been able to get the support I've needed and it has been a blessing.

God is so good, you guys. I have been very much stressed about this upcoming week because I've got a lot of projects due but I was able to get a blessing at the start of last week and I have been feeling good about all my projects. Still stressed, but I have been feeling like I really can do this! I am still nervous but I know that as long as I set my mind to it, I can focus and finish in the time that I need to!
Finals are coming up and I am nervous about them but I have faith in myself and I know that as I take the time to study for them, I will be blessed for my efforts. I cannot wait to be able to go home and spend the holidays with my family! I am so excited!

I had a sacrament hymn stuck in my head the other day, and I figured out that it was "O God, the Eternal Father", and as I was reading the lyrics, I remembered how much God loves us. How much He desires for us to be able to return to live with Him. Heavenly Father sent His Son to Earth–to be born as mortals are born, and to live as we live. He lived a perfect life, and was the perfect example for us to follow, and emulate. He died for us on the cross, after having suffered for our sins, pains, temptations, afflictions, and anything else we have gone through–physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He has felt and experienced it all. You are not alone. God made sure that we are able to receive all the love and help that we need in our lives.

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This week for Light the World, the focus is Light Your Community. Service doesn't just happen on a grand, global scale. Your own community is full of opportunities to get involved, make a difference, and give as Jesus gave. How can you #LightTheWorld in your community? Get involved! Here are a few examples:

1. Last Monday, there was a terrible accident on BYU's campus in the Tanner building that involved a student, who passed away from their injuries. The following days, there was a place in the Tanner building where people could go and write little positive notes, and I think people could even take flowers to give to people. This was a devastating experience for our campus, but people were able to help spread the love, and that is what is most important. Our community was able to get together and help lift each other up. 

2. Last night, I needed a priesthood blessing, so I asked my friend if he could come over and give me a blessing. He was able to come and give me a short–but very sweet–blessing from my Father in Heaven. I am so thankful for the men in my ward who are always willing to give blessings!! And I am so thankful that I have the faith to ask them for blessings! Priesthood blessings are a two-way street–they are a blessing for me, and they are an opportunity for the men to access and use their priesthood to bless those around them. 

3. Last Tuesday was National Cookie Day, and my Relief Society president passed out cookies to each of our apartments! It was so sweet and thoughtful! I am so grateful for her love and service!!
4. Last Sunday, my roommates and I watched as several of the men from our ward cleared snow off of the cars in the parking lot. I was so amazed at their dedication and love! It was such a blessing for those who might not have had the tools necessary to clear the snow off their cars, or for those who were running late. 

5. My friend had her junior recital Friday night for her major and I was able to go! It was an amazing recital and I am so proud of her! I am so grateful that I was able to go support her! She has worked so hard and is such an amazing musician! I am so proud of her!

These are all just a bunch of examples that I have seen in this past week and I am sure that there will be more in this upcoming week! I am going to pray for more opportunities to serve this week, and also for the ability to recognize those opportunities and attend to the needs of those around me! It doesn't even have to be something big! It can be as small as asking someone how their day went, and then listening as they rant about the worst part of their day. 

I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have to serve in my life. I know that it blesses the lives of those around me as I make time to bless their lives and ease any burdens that they may have. I know that it blesses me, because as I listen to the Spirit, I am able to hear Him more often in my life, and I am able to bless and serve those around me more and more. I am looking forward to serving people throughout the rest of my life!

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I am so, so thankful! For everything! This year has been crazy...and this semester has been insane...but I wouldn't change it for the world!! I have learned so much, and grown so much, and I am so thankful for the love and support that I have felt from my Father in Heaven! I am grateful that I am in such a great place right now and I am grateful that I have so many amazing things going for me. I am so excited for next month! Not only is my birthday at the end of the month, but exactly 15 days before my birthday I am going to be interviewing with my Bishop and then a member of the Stake Presidency to get my temple recommend so that I can go through the temple for the first time!! I am hoping to be able to go through soon after that! I cannot wait! I am very excited to be able to covenant with my Father in Heaven and to be able to then have the opportunity to bless those on the other side of the veil!! I am grateful that I am able to prepare myself to go through the temple, and I am grateful that I have had the prompting to do so. I am grateful that I have been feeling so much love and support from my family and friends about it!! 

I know that God listens to our prayers. I know that He loves us very much, and that He wants what is best for us! I know that the people that He places in our lives are there for a reason, and that we have something to not only give to them, but that we have something to learn from them. I know that I have a Savior who lived and died for me, and who loves me so much. I know that I have a Father and Mother in Heaven who love me so much, and who want me to be the best that I can be, just like my earthly parents. I am so thankful for the love that I have felt from Them through the Spirit, and I am grateful that I can have that connection with Them through the Holy Ghost. 

Xoxo
Mattie