It's okay to not be okay.

I learned a lot this week about how to know the Lord's will for me, and how to understand His plan for me. I read a talk by Sister Ann C. Pingree that I really liked.

She starts out by saying that becoming an instrument in the hands of God is a privilege and sacred responsibility. We have to take the time to become an instrument in His hands. It isn't something that just happens. We have to work towards it. But we can know what Heavenly Father wants us to do! I really love and know this. There have been times where I have been able to be an instrument in His hands, and I knew that I was being an instrument, and it is such a sweet and special experience. 

She goes on to talk about how the only possession that is truly ours to give to the Lord is our will. Anything else we 'give' has been given or loaned to us by Him. But our will is the only thing that we can truly give to Him. I think this is so interesting and sweet. Of all the things on this earth that we give to Him...the only thing we can truly give to Him...is ourselves. Our will to do His will. That's what we can give to Him. And because of our agency...it truly is ours to give.

No one can make our relationship with God grow except us. I am the only one who can make my relationship with Him grow. Sure, other people can influence me, and bless me, and help my testimony grow...but only I can increase the intimate nature of my relationship with God. Only I can decide to have faith in Him. Only I can decide that I want to take time to go to the temple to find an answer, or to receive peace, or to feel His love. Only I can decide to study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, any notes I have from spiritual experiences...only I can decide to try to interpret them, and to use them to better myself, and to bless the lives of those around me. 

As I focus on my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes it's hard to not worry about other parts of my life–I have a lot of things going on in my life right now–but in the past couple of weeks, when I have focused on my relationship with Him, everything else has fallen into place, and everything else has run smoothly.

In the midst of learning about the Lord's will for me, I also had a few exhausting moments...a few trials that took a little bit out of me. But I was really listening to the testimonies that were given today...and to the lesson in Sunday School...and I didn't exactly get an explicit answer...but I got a direction. I got reassurance. I got a reminder.

I am a daughter of a King. A daughter of the Most Divine Being. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. My Heavenly Parents have a plan for me, and I am loved so deeply by Them. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can't ever do anything to not deserve it. I am loved just because I am His.

I am here to do a work. I am not always entirely sure what that work is...but it's okay to not know, and it's okay to have doubts and worries. This life isn't meant to be perfect, but it's meant to help me come closer to Him, and to become more like Him.

This week...there have been times that I was not okay. There were times that I felt forgotten. But as I was sitting in Sunday School, I wrote, "I know that I am not forgotten. I know that I am important, and loved, and I know that I don't need to be around people in order to feel happy or loved. So why do I feel like this sometimes??" I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I feel unloved, forgotten, and sad. I don't know. I don't know how else to tackle this problem. I'm doing what I can, you know? I am taking medication, I am talking with a therapist, I am praying, I am trying to eat better, sleep better...I am doing what I can...but sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's okay. You know, that's okay. Because it's okay not to be okay.

What I do know is this: I am broken, but I am also beautiful. God is helping me grow. He is taking my broken pieces and putting them back together. He is helping me become someone better than I am. He is taking me and rebuilding me. Sometimes...sometimes He has to break me in order to rebuild me. Sometimes I have to go through really difficult things in order to get back to where I need to be. Sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. Sometimes I need a reminder of whose I am.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father,

who loves me, and I love Him.

I will "stand as [a witness] of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places"

as I strive to live the 

Young Women values, which are:

• Faith • Divine Nature 

• Individual Worth • Knowledge 

• Choice and Accountability

• Good Works • Integrity 

• Virtue

I believe as I come to accept and act 

upon these values, I will be prepared to 

strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants, 

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. In those moments...I turn to my Father in Heaven. Because He is always there for me. Even if I might not be able to feel Him in that moment...I know that He is comforting me. I know that He is blessing me. I know He is proud of me for going through the temple, and for continuing to go back to bless the lives of my ancestors. I know He is proud of me for going to college, and for having and making plans to do something that I love. I know that He is proud of me for using my talents to bless the lives of those around me...even if I don't always see it or feel like I am doing anything extraordinary.

2 Nephi 4: 4: "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence."

This is my scripture this week. I love this one! It's so simple! As long as I keep the commandments...I will prosper. As long as I love God, and love my neighbor like myself...life will be good.

I love you! Heavenly Father loves you, too! I hope you have a wonderful week! Remember that you are a child of God and He has such amazing plans for you!

Xoxo
Mattie

Love is putting someone else's needs before yours.

Just a quick little blog post today! It's been a busy weekend and week so I didn't have a lot of time to do a post today!

I am so ready for the semester to be over! I still have a lot to do but I'm hopeful I can get it done! I'm so thankful for my Savior...it's been a rough couple of weeks and I've been blessed with the people in my life that I need to get through them. I am grateful for the scriptures, and for the peace and comfort that they bring to me. They've been a blessing this past couple of weeks, but especially this past week. I am grateful for the fact that I have gotten through this semester. It's been soo rough, guys....But I've had my Savior to rely on, and the most amazing and wonderful roommates and friends. I've really been blessed. I have honestly felt so loved this semester and this school year, which I am so grateful for. I know that God loves me, and I am so grateful that He lets me start over again.

Daniela said something in her lesson today that was a quote from her grandmother, and I really, really loved it. She said, "You're gonna do a really hard thing, but you're gonna do it really, really well." I absolutely loved that!! Life is a really difficult thing, and sometimes we go through really difficult trials, and oftentimes we don't know why. But we are able to get through it, and we are able to use it to make us someone better than who we currently are.

In Relief Society today, I wrote down something that I really loved and wanted to share. These are just some of my thoughts based on what we talked about today.

"Love is sacrifice. I can sacrifice my temptations, and I can show Him that I love Him more than the desire to give in to my temptations." "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." ~Olaf (Frozen) And since I love the Lord....I am going to put Him above everything else.

Megan said something in her testimony that I loved. She said, "Not only is the gospel something we live, the gospel is something we can be." I love that!! She is such an amazing person!! I love her so much and am so grateful for her love, sacrifice, service, and friendship!!

I am so grateful for the lessons today!! I heard and learned what I needed to hear, and I made new commitments that I am optimistic I can keep!

I am so grateful for the progress that I've made in my final projects for school. I think that I will be able to finish them adequately well and in time.

I am grateful for the brief chance I had to chat with/FaceTime a few of my siblings tonight. Crazy though they are, I really do love them and am so grateful for them.

I am so grateful for all of the people in my life. I am grateful for blessings, and for miracles. I am grateful for honestly good, down-to-earth people who come into my life right when I need them, and who make my life so much happier.

I love the Lord. I love my Savior. I am grateful for His Atoning Sacrifice, and I am grateful for His love. I am grateful for the chances that I have been given to start again, and I am grateful for the love and support that I receive from my friends and family. I am looking forward to finishing out this school year and to starting my summer job (starting in June) at BEAR LAKE!! I am going to be working at a scout camp with my friend and I am so excited!! It's going to be amazing!! Going back to school in the fall will be super fun because I am so close to being done with my schooling! I only have two semesters left after this one!!

I have learned so much from going to school. Honestly, I've really kind of doubted me even needing to go to school, because I've been thinking, "I'm just going to go back to like, watching kids or whatever. I don't really think this education is necessary." But these past couple of weeks, I have been learning a lot that I didn't know before, and I have been looking into different internship possibilities, and I am actually interested in a couple of different things than I originally thought. And I have been thinking that, even if I don't end up using my education, it will be helpful for me in the long run because I will always have human interactions, and I will always need to know how people work. So I am grateful for my education, and for the time that I have spent here at BYU.

I am also grateful for the memories I have made. I have met so many people who have all blessed my life in one way or another. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't gone to college....and honestly, I don't think I want to find out. I love who I am. I am learning, and growing, and standing on my feet. I am making mistakes, and trying again, and finding people, and loving people, and accepting people, and showing people what they mean to me. I am taking other broken and mending people and I am helping mend them. And they, in turn, are helping mend me. That's what love is all about.

Xoxo
Mattie

Trust Him, and trust His timing.

While I was sitting during the passing of the sacrament, I decided to read one of my favorite passages of scripture about the Atonement, and I had these thoughts:

Alma 7:11-13 is one of my favorite passages about the Atonement. It really emphasizes more of what Jesus felt and had to go through for us. I love that it emphasizes 'according to the flesh'. It gives me a better idea of what kinds of things He went through for me. He knows how difficult it is to overcome temptations, and He knows how hard heartbreak is. He knows how much I try to rise above my depression and anxiety, but He also knows how hard it is, and how disappointed in myself I am when I can't rise above it. He knows it all. And He knows how to help. Each person and each situation is completely unique, but He knows exactly what you need. <3

One of my favorite things that some people said in their testimonies today was that Heavenly Father loves us. And He wants what is best for us. And sometimes what is best for us is different than what is best for someone else, but that doesn't mean that what is best for you or them isn't what is best for you or them. Does that make sense? Just because someone else's best isn't your best doesn't meant that your best is any less.

Kelli said in her testimony something that I loved. "It's not the sin that makes Him cringe; it's when we don't repent that makes Him cringe." I loved that! It doesn't matter if it's the same sins over and over again...as long as we keep trying, and we repent, He is happy. He knows we are mortal and human, and we make mistakes. He doesn't expect us to be perfect right now, but He expects us to try to be better today than we were yesterday. And it is up to us to determine how close we are to God. God is right there waiting for us; we have to make an effort to draw close(r) to Him.

Kaitlin said, "Sometimes we don't know where we're going in our lives, but when we trust Him, and trust that He has a plan, He will guide us and bless us." I loved that. It's important to have a general plan, but honestly, most of the time we don't know where we are going in life. So we need to trust Him. He has a plan for each of us. He will guide us and bless us, and help us become who He knows we can become, and He can help us get to where we need to be.

Dallin said that, "Every time we follow the Spirit, we can be an instrument in people's lives." I loved this. It's so important for us to follow the Spirit and help those around us. We never know completely what's going on, but Heavenly Father does, and He sends us to help those who really need help and love.

Ingrid said, "He loves us and we are not forgotten." I loved that!! He KNOWS us! He LOVES us! We are HIS! How loved we are by the Creator and ruler of all! We are NEVER forgotten!! We are so important to Him, and we are SO LOVED!!

We are His priority.

So today was Stake Conference, and it was super amazing!!

Each speaker was so wonderful! I loved all their insights! :)

1. Hope comes because of, in, and through the Savior.
-Hope is centered on the Atonement.
2. Hope is a strong thing.
-Hope is always there, when no one else is. Hope turns us to the Savior.
3. The temple is a source of hope.
-It refocuses us.
-As we focus on the Savior, and what He wants us to become, we'll be filled with hope.
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Be true friends to those around us.
Conversion is not a one-time event.
1. We must be good examples.
-We are the personification of the Lord's church.
2. Ask God for His help.
3. Do your best.
-Be an instrument in His hands.
-Be a friend first.
-The Lord will perform miracles through us as we follow Him.
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-This life is the time to serve the Lord.
-In the house of the Lord, we have to be reverent.
-If we truly seek His help and guidance, we will receive what we need, and feel what we need to feel.
-The temple can bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and our ancestors.
-Have you ever thought about how much time Heavenly Father gives to us? Does He ever not listen? Not drop everything for us? He always listens, and we are His priority. So we need to make time for Him. Everything will fall into place.
-Make the temple your place of refuge from the storm.
-Take time to be holy.
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-You may not be who or what you think you are, but what you think, you are.
-Are you looking for the good in [your companion]? (this can be filled with any person...family member, friend, yourself)
-Are you becoming like Him?
-When I know who I really am, it is easier to become who I really am.
-Relationships are eternal.
-The key to planning is to do it.
-Become a creator of circumstances instead of a creature of circumstances.
-Only Christ can change us. He can change all of our yesterdays.
-We get to choose our steps. Will our steps be in His direction?
-The more specific our prayers, the more defined His answers become.
-Pride is trust in ourselves. Confidence and humility is trust in God.
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-The temple is truly the house of God.
-We can feel nearer to our Father in Heaven and His Son, and we can feel their love in the temple.
-There's a protection and power associated with the ordinances of the temple.
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-You underestimate how good you are.
-Left to themselves, things fall apart (2nd Law of Thermodynamics) in any closed system.
-When we sin, we fall apart from God. Because of Christ and His Atonement, we can return.
-Christ can fix ALL broken things.
-Remember how merciful God is, and focus on that.
-Christ came to make things all right.
-The Lord loves broken things because He can fix them.