The light keeps shining through.

It has been quite a busy few months. I finished up my last semester at Ensign in December, so I was extremely busy working on my schoolwork for the months prior to that.

In addition to that, Ricky and I have had an emotionally difficult couple of months, and though I am not sure I want to be sharing everything in detail quite so soon, I do think it is an important topic of conversation and I want to prevent others from experiencing the long, drawn out experience we had.

Content Warning: Miscarriage, Pregnancy loss, Grief

To make a long story short ("Too late!" ~ Clue), we did an IVF transfer at the beginning of October and received a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. We went in for an ultrasound at the clinic on the 24th and the doctor was a little concerned because it was measuring a little bit behind. He said I might experience a miscarriage if I encounter any bleeding in the next two weeks before the follow-up ultrasound. I did experience a tiny bit of bleeding the week of the appointment, but it wasn't as much as I thought it should have been for a miscarriage, so I was hopeful.

When we went back on the 7th, we were told that the embryo wasn't growing and was no longer viable. We were devastated, and I was given the option to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage, or I could take medicine to help the process along. I wanted to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage. The doctor recommended waiting two weeks and scheduling another ultrasound to make sure everything was clearing up safely. 

So I scheduled another ultrasound with a place closer to us and after a week, I was concerned because a) I hadn't experienced any additional bleeding whatsoever, and b) in my mind, the embryo had stopped growing even before our first ultrasound, which means it had already been about two weeks, so I should have started bleeding.

I messaged the clinic and asked if I should keep waiting til the ultrasound, and they said I should, but I didn't feel right about that. I was able to get my next ultrasound appointment moved up and be seen earlier. 

I thought I would be able to get the medicine prescribed at that appointment, but the doctor was concerned because it appeared I had a blighted ovum and she was worried about me hemorrhaging. So she recommended an OBGYN and I was able to see them on Friday–the day I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound anyway. She was able to prescribe me the medicine, and I took it the next day (November 22), and everything happened so quickly after that, I was grateful I didn't have to carry around the stress and weight of waiting for it to clear up any more. 

If I could go back and do it over again, I would ask for the medication upfront. If I couldn't take the medication first, I would make sure that I scheduled an ultrasound with an OBGYN. I didn't realize that the ultrasound place I had contacted wasn't an actual OBGYN office, nor that they wouldn't have an OBGYN in the office. 

I tried to fight for my health because from the first ultrasound to when I passed everything was just shy of 30 days. That is TOO LONG for my body to have my empty gestational sac inside when there was no yolk sac or anything else to be seen in it. I felt like I couldn't move forward with grieving and accepting I wasn't pregnant anymore until I was sure that everything was gone. 

I wanted to share my experience because I had no idea what to expect from this experience, and going back and forth from the clinic, to the ultrasound place, to the OBGYN office, made it really difficult for anyone to know exactly what was going on in the first place, but it also made it really difficult for me to be able to get any real answers. Next time, I will take the medication and go ahead and be seen by the OBGYN right from the start. 

So for anyone who experiences a miscarriage in the future (myself included), I want you to know several things:

1. I am here for you, always.

2. You can take the medication–it's okay.

3. Make sure that, if you need to schedule an ultrasound, you schedule it with an OBGYN office.

4. It's okay to take a day–or two, or three. However long you need. 

5. It wasn't your fault.

6. YOU ARE LOVED. 💜

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On December 30, 2025, I posted this to my Facebook page, but I also wanted to share it here:

One of my favorite movies about grief and loss that I think is a great depiction of grief and loss is The Starling, which can be found on Netflix. It stars Melissa McCarthy and has comedic elements but isn’t a comedy. 

My favorite quote from the movie reflects exactly how I’ve been feeling: “‘Cause everybody’s rolling along, living their lives like nothing happened, you know? And I’m saying, “Stop.” ‘Cause I wanna get off for a little bit.” 

My miscarriages were early, and we didn’t get a chance to know our babies, but our loss is still real, and I loved the way this movie shows the ups and downs of grief. 

Moments of productivity and determination. Moments of pain and despair. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps backwards. Trying to find connections. Trying to keep moving forward with the world when all I want to do is sit and cry and stay in the moments when I didn’t know it was over. The moments when I could plan for our baby’s future. 

I have more to say but am still thinking about how I want to say it. I just wanted to be honest about how HARD the last two months have been for me and how I’ve been in a fog but I’m starting to see some light. The fog keeps coming back but so does the light. I’m trying and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and loving. I don’t really want to end (or start) the year sad, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m doing a lot better than I was, but I’m still healing. Thank you for being so kind.  #grief #loss #love

This past holiday season was more difficult than I anticipated. At first, the season was perfect. We read about the different names of Jesus each day of the month, watched fun Christmas movies, and shopped for each other. Christmas Day was lovely–we spent the morning opening presents from each other and then we went to spend the rest of the day at my parents'.

When we got home, Ricky went out walking, and I stayed home and crocheted and watched more Christmas movies–I was having such a great time. 

But at some point...I just got so sad and mad. I was looking forward to announcing our pregnancy. I had such a cute idea planned. I was also upset because I should have had a toddler, too. It would have been their first "real" Christmas. I watched my nephews have such a fun day and my heart ached because my baby should have been there, too. I should have been watching MY baby play with their cousins. 

So, to help me heal and finally make something FOR my babies, I decided I wanted to make them stockings that we can hang every year to remember them. So I made one stocking at the end of the year and started the second, which I finished this weekend. I want to put their names on them, but was having trouble figuring that out the way I originally wanted to do the names, so I have to do some more thinking about that first, but their stockings are done. 💜

Stockings I made for our babies.
Pattern: Bead Stitch Christmas Stocking

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Here are two poems I wrote today–one takes pieces from my Facebook post, and the other is kind of a chiasmus poem that I'm really proud of. 💜

Moments

Life is full of moments–

moments of pleasure and delight,

moments of productivity and determination,

moments of pain and despair. 

Every day is different. 

Every moment is different. 

Every day that passes

shapes us into who

and what we are meant to become.

But some days feel like

one step forward, 

three steps backward. 

Trying to find connection.

Trying to move forward with the world

when all I want

is to sit and cry–

to stay suspended in the moments

before everything changed.

The moments when I didn't know

it was over.

The moments when the future felt certain,

when I could plan your life

before I ever held you.

Those moments still live in me–

tender, unforgotten,

etched into my heart

through grief.

These moments have passed–

as moments always will–

but live forever in my heart,

never far gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning Moments

We wanted you

from the moment

you implanted,

before we discovered

you were lost. 

Every moment after

that positive test,

we wanted you.

You were not

long in this world,

but you live on

in loud hopes,

dashed dreams,

aching memories,

and yearning moments.

We never heard

your little heartbeat,

and we never saw

your little form,

but we still loved you.

Grief captured us

the way you

were supposed to–

quickly and loudly,

panicked and unexpected–

but it stayed 

longer than you. 

We wanted you

every moment after

that positive test.

You were lost

before we discovered

you implanted–

from the moment

we wanted you.

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My plans and wishes for this year involve family history, temple work, and scripture study. I want to understand my covenants with God more, and I love that we are studying the Old Testament this year because the Old Testament is all about the covenants God makes with His children.

My word this year is "STRIVE/STRIVING". I'm striving to trust God, even when I fall short. I keep trying, even though it's been difficult. I'm striving to see the light, though the fog keeps rolling in. But I'm grateful that the light keeps shining through. 

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and that you have a wonderful year with your families.

I know that God is real, and that He loves us. Even when we feel lost and alone, He is always with us. I love you, too, and am so thankful for your presence in my life. I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

Moments.

Despite the challenges we have been facing as we try to start our family, we continue to experience moments of hope, along with moments of heartache. Some news we received this past week was not what we had hoped it would be. As a result, I have had an emotionally and spiritually draining week as I tried to deal with my emotions, connect with Heavenly Father, and figure out what is next for not only me, but our little family. My thoughts have kept turning to a few things Ricky and I are discussing for the future, and I am just so grateful for his love and support during this difficult trial.

My expectation is not always His execution.

Even though it is difficult to talk about at times, I am grateful to be able to share my experience with infertility. I have been able to connect with those of my friends who have experienced the same or similar situations, and it has been helpful for me to be able to discuss my feelings with someone who knows what I am going through. 

It has been hard, at times, to keep my chin up. Knowing that we are doing all we can, and just waiting on the Lord's timing, can be quite frustrating, especially when I look around and see so many people who are expecting–or have just had–a baby. It's just another reminder of what I desire, and what I am unable to have at this time. It is dispiriting to not know why it isn't happening for us right now. 

However, I have been able to find comfort in the scriptures, and in messages from prophets, apostles, and other general authorities of the Church. I am so grateful for the experiences of the Lord's people in the scriptures, for the comfort and peace that I can receive as I study and learn from their lives.

Knowing that I share the same challenges as Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, and Elkanah and Hannah, to name a few, is comforting. To know that God included these stories in the scriptures for me to learn from and understand, is heartening. To know that these faithful women were still faithful throughout their trials as they waited upon the Lord, is inspiring. To know that, as I continue to be faithful, and continue to find joy in my life, as these women did in theirs, that I will be at peace as I wait upon the Lord, is uplifting.

While there are moments, periods of time, days, even, that are more difficult than others, I remember the promise of the Lord. I remember that, as I am faithful, and continue to do as He has asked me, I will be blessed. Whether in this life or the next. As hard as it is to understand why it's not happening now, the assurance that He will provide me with the blessings He has promised keeps me going.

Last week, I was watching a video that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints produced in a video series they call "Hope Works". This video, entitled "Embrace the Hit: My Darkest Hour", really resonated with me. Something she said struck home with me: 

"This collision was beyond a forcible wave that crashes over you. It felt like I was paddling in the deepest ocean, and I was slowly drowning. And during those weeks, I felt the impact of how much hope can hurt. It can be exhausting to want something good and not know why it can't be what you know or what you thought it should be right now.  ...the more demanding the trial, the larger your capacity grows in the opposite direction for joy."

I had yet to find a description of how I have been feeling about our journey with infertility and how hard it is to hold out hope every month. Then, during this video, she said exactly what I have been feeling, and I couldn't help but be grateful for my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. This video message was just what I needed to remind me that I am not alone in my trials, and I am not forgotten.

Right now, this is my darkest hour. Each time where I have been hopeful, only for that test to be negative, has been excruciatingly painful. But the most painful one by far was when the test was positive, but the following test a few days later was negative. That was heart-wrenching; I felt like my body was failing me. It has taken time for me to understand that it is not failing me in the sense that I thought it was. 

What gives me hope is that I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He has communicated with me about the expansion of our family, and I am doing my best to follow Him. I am coming to understand that, while He has communicated with me about our family, my expectation is not always His execution. However, knowing that He is walking with me every step of the way, and guiding me through it, is reassuring. As I am following His light, and studying His words, I am healing–slowly but surely.

What gives me hope is that we are learning more about my personal journey and experience with PCOS, and that that is part of what God is wanting me to learn at this time. I am coming to understand that this is part of His plan for me. While much of life is uncertain, one thing I know is that I am not alone. Not only is God with me, I have a loving support system of family and friends who are there for me, too.

Xoxo

Mattie

Prayers to the Father

Jesus Christ shows us throughout His entire ministry, but especially throughout His last week in mortality, of the importance of communication with our Heavenly Father. I love His relationship with Heavenly Father. That is the kind of relationship I am trying to develop with my Heavenly Father. He is always ready and willing to listen, and I love that!

From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' website about Easter week today:

The last week of Jesus Christ’s mortal ministry is filled with prayer. There are the prayers He offers on behalf of His disciples, filled with timeless words of comfort and guidance. But there are also the prayers that He encourages them to offer on their own. He knows that soon His disciples will be without Him, and so He lets them know the importance of praying, encouraging them to ask their Father in Heaven for the things they’ll need to make it through the challenges ahead. Through His words and His example, they learn that when they make the effort to pray to the Father, no matter what happens, they will never be alone.

#BecauseOfHim, I’m never alone

Jesus told His disciples He would be with them always. He’s here for you too. As you draw near to the Father in prayer, you will draw near unto Christ as well.

Prayer is a powerful way to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. [It's like anything else–the more you practice, the better you get.] (My thoughts)

I am so grateful for the power of prayer, and for the love and peace that I feel as I communicate with my Father in Heaven through my Savior–His Son, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the example of Jesus on how to communicate with Heavenly Father.

I am also grateful that Heavenly Father is flexible and comes to us as we are. He knows our circumstances, which is super important because sometimes I communicate with Him in ways other than through prayer. There are times where praying the way I do at night or in the morning is just not practical. Sometimes, I am driving and can only shout out loud, "Heavenly Father, please keep me safe from the flying grill rack!" (Yes, this is a true story that did happen this week. On Monday, of all days. What a way to start the week!) But He knows me, and my surroundings, and understands that some situations call for different forms of communication with Him. And I love that He is so understanding. We are truly never alone because He is always with us.

As it is Easter time, it is supposed to be springtime, too, but that has seen a slight ice patch in the road 🤣. Spring is coming–slowly, but it is coming. I am really looking forward to the warmer weather that will most surely bring about more family walks around the neighborhoods and parks! I love walking with Ricky, but I also love seeing families out for strolls. It makes my heart happy to see. We live in such a beautiful world handcrafted by our Heavenly Father for us, I love to be out enjoying and exploring and seeing others get to experience it too!

I hope that this week has been going well for all of you. I hope and pray that all is well with you and your loved ones. 

Xoxo

Mattie

He'll provide a way.

This was quite the weekend. I woke up sick Saturday morning around 5am and ended up staying in bed all day resting my body. It was glorious. Even though I was still not feeling well by the end of the day, I was feeling 5-10% better that night. And yesterday I was feeling about 25-75% better.

Something I've learned this week while I was studying the scriptures was that humbleness can be trusting God even when you can't hear Him.

My family watched the Youth Face to Face event yesterday afternoon, which was explaining more about the changes to the youth programs, and David Archuleta introduced and sang the new song for next year's theme ("I Will Go and Do"), and one of my favorite lines was, "He'll provide a way." I loved this! This has been a major theme in the last couple of weeks as I have been reminded many times by close friends about God's timing, and His love and grace.

I first off want to say how grateful I am for artists like David Archuleta, Calee Reed, Hilary Weeks, Gentri, Cherie Call, and many, many others who share their faith through music and song. I am grateful for their messages of love, hope, and for their testimonies that shine through their music.

Second, I want to say how grateful I am for all of the blessings in my life, and for the blessings that I get because of the things that I am doing every day to improve and increase my testimony. I've been struggling with a lot of things these last couple of months, but in the last couple of weeks, I have been reminded of my blessings. I have been reminded of the Lord's plan for me, and of the opportunities I have to find joy in my life.

Sorry that this post is so late but yesterday was a little crazy, what with me still being sick and not entirely feeling up to doing a lot of things.

Hope everyone has a great week! My sister is getting married this week so our week is going to be crazy busy, but hopefully it will be a wonderful week with family! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

There is no end to second chances.

Each and every day is different. So the person I am each and every day needs to be different. I need to be able to adapt to the changes and challenges of the day. I can do so with the help of my Savior. If I fail, I can get back up and try again because there is no end to second chances.

I am so thankful for the chance I have each week to repent and try again. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to become aware of the changes that I need to make in my life. I am grateful for a God who loves me enough to kindly let me know that I am not doing as much as I should or could be, and that I need to make a change. I am grateful that He gives me so many opportunities and chances to start again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am grateful for the blessings of the temple. I was thinking this week about my experience in the temple last Saturday, and how much love and peace I felt. I didn't go with a specific question or thought to ponder, and the questions that I thought about briefly in the temple didn't seem so important. I think that it was just important for me to recognize that feeling of love and peace, and that God is proud of me no matter what.

Sometimes I feel distanced from Him, but when I look back on these moments when I felt the Spirit, and when I felt the Lord's love, I am reminded that He is far nearer than I ever imagined. He is in every flower, every creature, every moment of love and happiness, and in every second chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was reading in Moroni 7 earlier this week and I was thinking about how important faith, hope, and charity are to our lives. Faith and hope lead to charity, and without charity–which is the pure love of Christ–I think that life is almost meaningless. The first great commandment is to love God, and the second is to love thy neighbor as thyself. LOVE is the first great commandment. I am so grateful that I have a heart that is always willing and open to loving and caring for those around me because I have learned a lot about God and myself as I have loved and cared for those around me. More than I would if I didn't have a heart that is so open to loving and serving those around me.

Hope you have a wonderful week!! God loves you, and I love you!

Xoxo
Mattie

"Ask Him how He feels about you. And then listen."

It's General Conference weekend!! I love General Conference so much!

The main messages that I got this weekend was to love (God, your neighbor, your family), increase your faith, and do better to share your testimony.

I have been thinking a lot this week in preparation for General Conference, and one thing that I have really been thinking about is love for others no matter what. It's hard for me to understand why people can't love others. It frustrates me when people complain about things that they don't like about people because they think they hate a specific group of people, and then they in turn hate the people they are criticizing. It's hypocritical of them. We might not agree with everyone, but we need to love everyone. There is this quote that I love that I think speaks volumes:



I don't always agree with people. There are a lot of people in my life that I have different opinions than. But guess what? I still love them. It's not that hard. Just because I don't agree with someone's lifestyle, opinions, or choices doesn't mean that I fear or hate them. We can have differing lifestyles, opinions, and choices and still be kind and compassionate to each other. This is something that I think people forget or don't understand. It's not hard to love and support each other even though you don't have the same views.

I am so grateful for General Conference weekend! This weekend has been a blessing! I have received a confirmation to an answer that I received a few weeks ago and I am so excited to implement the lessons that I have learned this weekend! I am excited to draw closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I am grateful for the blessings of the temple and the opportunities I have to attend the temple and do the work for my ancestors and for those who have come before me.

I am far from perfect, but I can't wait to love more, have faith more, bless more, and share more.

Xoxo
Mattie

He believes in me.

Camp is over! I am now home! Yesterday was exhausting physically and emotionally. I am so sad to have left all my friends but am so excited to be moving forward with my life. It was a great experience and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I was pondering a question this week. Why do I believe in God? Honestly, I believe in God because He has blessed my life in so many ways. Through the people I have met, and the experiences I've had, I have seen His hand in my life. There have been times I wondered if He was really there, or even listening, but I had faith and hope that He is and was, and somehow that was enough.

I know He is there, and I know He listens. No one knows and loves you better than Him. I believe in God because He believes in me.

I had this thought the other day: Peace comes in many forms. Pain comes in many forms. Sometimes they are one and the same. But no matter what, God will always be there. He will be there to give you peace, and He will be there to help alleviate the pain. It might not always go away, but He will be there to support and lift you.

I honestly don't know how to describe how I know He is there. I just know.

Last week, I had the opportunity to go to the Star Party for the first time all summer, and it was AMAZING!! The sky was so beautiful and the stars were just gorgeous! I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to spend the whole summer at Bear Lake!! It was just such a wonderful experience! Each day was a beautiful adventure! Just look at this view!!

Bear Lake from Camp Hunt - August 11, 2018

I'm so, so, so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I know that He made this summer possible. I know that all of the people that I met this summer were people that I needed in my life. I know that I needed the clarity of mind that comes from being at peace in nature to try and make some goals to help make my life a little better. 

I know that I needed the experience of being accepted COMPLETELY for who I am to give me the confidence that I need to go out into the world and be myself. I know that I was needed by some of the people at camp. I know that everyone needed my (mostly) positive outlook on life, and I know that they all needed the love that I tried to give them. I know that God trusts me, and believes in me. He gave me quite the summer experience in which I did a lot of hard things. He put so many of His children into my life this summer, and He entrusted me with making sure they felt–and feel–loved. I hope I was able to fulfill His expectations of me this summer.

I know that somehow this summer was exactly what I expected, and yet, it was NOTHING like what I expected. And I know that's how God works. We have all these expectations from Him, or from life, and nothing ever goes exactly how we expect it to; except, somehow, having nothing go how we expected it to was exactly what we expected. 

I might not know what this whole next year has in store for me, but I do know this: it's going to be an adventure, and I'm going to have God on my side. 

I hope these last couple weeks before school starts are full of fun for you guys!! I know I'm going to have a lot of fun! 

God loves you, I love you, and YOU MATTER. Don't forget that. You are needed in this world. You give something to this world that no one else can give. 

Xoxo

Mattie

We are His priority.

So today was Stake Conference, and it was super amazing!!

Each speaker was so wonderful! I loved all their insights! :)

1. Hope comes because of, in, and through the Savior.
-Hope is centered on the Atonement.
2. Hope is a strong thing.
-Hope is always there, when no one else is. Hope turns us to the Savior.
3. The temple is a source of hope.
-It refocuses us.
-As we focus on the Savior, and what He wants us to become, we'll be filled with hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be true friends to those around us.
Conversion is not a one-time event.
1. We must be good examples.
-We are the personification of the Lord's church.
2. Ask God for His help.
3. Do your best.
-Be an instrument in His hands.
-Be a friend first.
-The Lord will perform miracles through us as we follow Him.
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-This life is the time to serve the Lord.
-In the house of the Lord, we have to be reverent.
-If we truly seek His help and guidance, we will receive what we need, and feel what we need to feel.
-The temple can bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and our ancestors.
-Have you ever thought about how much time Heavenly Father gives to us? Does He ever not listen? Not drop everything for us? He always listens, and we are His priority. So we need to make time for Him. Everything will fall into place.
-Make the temple your place of refuge from the storm.
-Take time to be holy.
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-You may not be who or what you think you are, but what you think, you are.
-Are you looking for the good in [your companion]? (this can be filled with any person...family member, friend, yourself)
-Are you becoming like Him?
-When I know who I really am, it is easier to become who I really am.
-Relationships are eternal.
-The key to planning is to do it.
-Become a creator of circumstances instead of a creature of circumstances.
-Only Christ can change us. He can change all of our yesterdays.
-We get to choose our steps. Will our steps be in His direction?
-The more specific our prayers, the more defined His answers become.
-Pride is trust in ourselves. Confidence and humility is trust in God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-The temple is truly the house of God.
-We can feel nearer to our Father in Heaven and His Son, and we can feel their love in the temple.
-There's a protection and power associated with the ordinances of the temple.
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-You underestimate how good you are.
-Left to themselves, things fall apart (2nd Law of Thermodynamics) in any closed system.
-When we sin, we fall apart from God. Because of Christ and His Atonement, we can return.
-Christ can fix ALL broken things.
-Remember how merciful God is, and focus on that.
-Christ came to make things all right.
-The Lord loves broken things because He can fix them.

Your value does not change when you fail.

Today I was thinking a lot. Mainly because I really had a horrible, horrible headache and couldn't really focus on the lessons today (I did listen and learned a little but mainly I tried to stop the pummeling in my head). But also because I have had a lot to think about. Let's start with what I was thinking about in sacrament meeting:

Patiently waiting is hard. Especially when you're waiting for blessings, answers, peace, or your birthday, and they're just not getting here fast enough. Finding ways to keep yourself busy in the meantime is hard. Because all you want is to know what to do, or to just feel like the decision you already made was the right one. But it feels like you can't hear anything. So you think, "Maybe I'm not doing enough." So you try to read your scriptures more deeply, and pray more fervently, and be there for your friends, and...nothing. The only place you feel it, and hear it, is the temple. But you can't always be at the temple. So you don't know what to do except doing what you're doing and hope that you'll hear it soon. You have faith that He is there, even when you can't hear Him, because you have felt it before. You're not sure why it even stopped, but you just keep hoping. And it's not like you haven't felt it; you have. Just not when you have wanted and deeded it desperately. But you keep going, and lean on the testimonies of your friends and family until you're back on your feet and can hear it and feel it again.

~I think it's because I can hardly hear anything over my depression. And even though I want to be and try to be, I'm not really happy. Luckily I am not alone in this time of my life: I have family, friends, my therapist, and my Savior. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I am hoping to be able to find an answer, or be closer to finding an answer.  

One theme of today that I noticed was God's love. It was kind of just all encompassing today, and I'm not going to lie–I really needed it.

One of my favorite things that was said in sacrament meeting today was that we can't forget to have charity towards ourself. I'd never thought of that before–having charity towards yourself. But when you think about it, it makes sense. We're told to love our neighbors and ourselves, and we're told to have charity towards our neighbors. So if we're supposed to love our neighbors and also have charity towards them, and also love ourselves, it stands to reason that we should have charity towards ourselves, too.

Gospel doctrine was just what I needed today. We talked about successfully failing. And how we need to learn to be...maybe not happy about failing...but positive about it. Note that we tried! And learn from it. Recognize the progress you've made. And–most importantly, in my opinion–understand that YOUR VALUE DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN YOU FAIL. 

We don't really learn a lot from succeeding the first time. We really learn the most when we fail. We learn to take a step back and look at things from a new angle. No matter how many times we fail, we are still the same value as we were before.

Another thing that we talked bout that I absolutely LOVED was that it's not very Christlike to not forgive yourself. I've never thought about that before but it is so true! Christ forgives EVERYONE, every time. So, if we want to be more Christlike, we need to forgive ourselves, too.

And nothing is embarrassing to Him. We can tell Him anything, and ask for forgiveness for the littlest and most dumbest things in our mind, but it's important to Him because it's important to us.

Heavenly Father's view of us doesn't change, even if our view of ourself does. 

He will always love us, and we will always be important to him. And we will always be valued.

Hope cometh of faith.

Something I was thinking about today during the sacrament was that, "Life has its ups and downs, but God is there to lift me during the downs, and cheer during the ups. I am blessed beyond measure in my life right now. I am blessed, loved, and here for a purpose."

Today was our ward conference, and I am so thankful for all that was taught today! Our theme was Ether 12:4. Two main topics were "Always abounding in good works" and "Hope (for a better world)".

Bishop said something in sacrament meeting today that I loved. He said that as we believe in God, we can find hope for a better future. He said hope cometh of faith, and gave a list of things that we can do to have hope:
-Increase your faith
-Pray often
-Read the scriptures
-Be obedient
-Magnify your calling
-Be humble
-Go to the temple
These things will increase our faith and will lead to having an increase in hope.

President Acerson said that the greater the distance you are from the light, the more difficult it will be to see God's plan for you. He said the rules are there to initiate us on our journey back to our Father in Heaven.

Sister Acerson talked in second hour about glorifying God, and I said that one way to glorify God was to be ourselves, and love who we are. God made us the way He did because He loves us, and by accepting who we are, we are telling Him that we love Him, and that we are going to do all we can to please Him, and glorify. Colvin said, going off of that, that by becoming our best self, we are glorifying God. Other things that were said were, Always give Him credit; service; keep the Sabbath Day holy; and being grateful.

President Radmall said that hope is critical to both faith and charity. He said our hope is in our Redeemer, and His hope is in us.
Faith, hope, and charity work together. You cannot have one without the other two.

President Moon talked about good works. We talked about the miracles of Jesus, and how they apply to us, and a lot of people made some amazing connections:
-We are His priority. Even when He is on His way to do something already, He will stop for us. (Mark 5:22-34)
-Simple things that are important to us are important to Him. (John 2:1-10)
One thing that I wanted to talk about but didn't get the chance to say was that I love the story of raising Lazarus from the dead because Jesus wept with Mary and Martha. He loved Lazarus, and lost a dear friend, and He felt their pain. Jesus knows how we feel, so He will be there for us.

President Acerson then asked us what things we had learned, and there were some great things said about what people learned:
-Have faith that if we stop in the middle of a test to help someone, we will still get our task done.
-It's good to let go of guilt.
-We are a priority to God, so we need to act like it.
-We're better than we we think we are because we're His. Cling to Him.
-God knows us a lot better than we do. He knows what we can do.
I learned that I love deeply, but forget to love myself. I am working on it. :)

I am so grateful for our stake leaders! I love them so much! They always know just what to say, and I know that they love us so much!

I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to serve as the ward choir director! It is helping me learn and grow in ways I didn't think I ever could. We are performing next week and I am nervous but excited for how our number is going to go. I think it will be wonderful! I am so excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas already! I am still working on picking songs for them but I have a few ideas. :)

God loves you. He knows you. As you serve Him, He will bless you.

Xoxo
Mattie

Faith in the future = hope for the future.

This past week school started again, and I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go. But I was feeling very grateful as the week went on. I had a lot a things that worked out really well and I'm glad they helped make the first week of school less stressful. I know that as long as I focus, and work hard, and remember to turn to my Savior when I need to, that everything will be okay. I've got high hopes for this semester and am so excited for this new year and semester.

Our stake Relief Society president was at church today, and she said a few remarks in sacrament meeting. One thing she said that I loved was that "Jesus Christ provides hope in an ever-darkening world."

In addition to that, Clarissa said something at the end of her lesson that I really liked: "We are a light in the world. We can be a light in the darkness, but also in the light" (Something like that).

I'm grateful for the light that Jesus Christ is in my life, and I'm grateful for the lights that my family and friends are in my life. I hope that I can be a light in someone else's life.

One last thought before I go–Haylie in sacrament meeting talked about faith, and how faith is always pointed towards the future. She shared this poem and I loved the last stanza, telling you to put your fears, dreams, doubts, etc. in Christ's hands because it depends whose hands it's in. Moroni 7:42 says, "Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope." If you have faith in the future, you have hope for the future.

Xoxo
Mattie

He brings peace.

First, I would just like to say that I made it through my first week of the new semester!! Friday and Saturday were just a tad busy (okay, a lot busy) but everything went smoothly, which is so great! I wasn't really that worried about it, but when it came time for those days, all of a sudden my brain went into "Oh my gosh, I'm going to be so busy today!" mode and then I was kind of worried, but everything went fine, and then as the day went by, I became a lot calmer. I know that that was because of Christ, which leads into what we talked about in Relief Society today.

Today in Relief Society we talked about the peace that comes from Christ. It was a lesson that I really needed, and so I'm grateful to Sheridan and Lexi for their time in preparing the lesson, and I'm grateful for all of the girls that commented today–I really needed to hear what a lot of them said. Sheridan said something at the beginning of the lesson that I loved: "The only way we can have peace is through God." I loved that. We read several scriptures about peace that I absolutely love and I thought I would just share them all! :)

John 14:27–"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
John 16:33–"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
John 14:6–"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by me."

That last one isn't directly about peace, but it gives me peace, knowing that I can come to [know] my Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ.

One of the questions that Sheridan and Lexi asked was this: "How can we receive the peace Christ offers?" I loved what some of the girls answered. Someone said that you have to be open to receive it. The way to do that is to study your scriptures. Another girl said that you can ask Him for peace. It might not come right away, but it will come. :)

Another thing we talked about was that loving others brings you peace. This is my favorite because it's so true. Loving and serving others does bring me peace. It takes me away from my troubles, even if for a brief moment, and, in that moment, not only do I get to share God's love with others, I get to feel His love for me from their gratitude, and from the peace and love that the Spirit gives to me, whispering to me, "You did right."

We also talked about how the Savior can help us find peace regardless of the turmoil around us. This is when I shared my story about this weekend that you already read up at the top but if you don't remember I will share it again (in slightly different words but not but yes): Friday and Saturday were really busy days for me. I wasn't really that worried about it when I thought about it Wednesday or Thursday evening, but when it came time for Friday and then Saturday, all of a sudden my brain went into "Oh my gosh, I'm going to be so busy today!" mode and then I was a bit worried, but everything went fine, and then as the day went by, I became a lot calmer. I know that that was because of Christ. I also know that even though I don't turn to Him as often as I should (I'm trying to be better about that), He will still be there, and He will still help me. I said something during this relaying of events that went like this: Even if we're traveling through a hurricane of turmoil and events, I know that if we stand, even just for a brief moment or two, we can feel the peace of Christ, and that moment of peace can carry us till the storm ends.

The last thing we talked about was that by fixing our eyes on Jesus, we can triumph over elements that would destroy peace. This is so true. By focusing on Jesus (which, coincidentally, is one of my New Year's Resolutions), everything else will fall into place, and He will bring peace to your heart and soul. In conjunction with this, Sheridan relayed the time when Jesus walked on water in the midst of a terrible storm, and after he realized it was Jesus, Peter jumped out of the boat to walk with Him, but as soon as his eyes fell upon the water, he started to sink, and said, "Lord, save me", and Jesus lifted His hand to Peter and said, "O thou of little faith, [why] didst thou doubt?" Your lifeguard walks on water. He will NEVER let you drown.

I know that He brings peace. I know that He is the Son of God. I know that He helps me carry my burdens when I'm overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. I know that when I can't continue on carrying it, that He will lift and carry most of it for me. I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father, and I am so grateful for their love, and their faith in me, and their patience, and their help. I'm so grateful for the Atonement, and for the peace that it gives me. Life is sometimes really hard, but I know that I am not alone, and that brings me peace.

Hope.

So, I totally love this gospel. Do you want to know why? Well, I'll tell you why. Because it gives me hope. All the time—no matter what I'm going through, it gives me hope. If I'm having a rough day, I can pray to my Heavenly Father and He will give me peace and comfort that tomorrow will be better. If I feel alone, I can pray to Him to help me find someone to talk with and He will guide me to where I need to be so that I can find them. If I am watching a friend die slowly, or if I've had deaths in my circle of family and friends, I can pray to Him to comfort me and I know that they will be or are at peace and that I will see them again someday. And I know that through my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can become clean and start over so that I can try to become a better person than I was yesterday so that I can live with my Heavenly Father again. And that? That gives me hope. 

Faith, hope, and charity.

Today in seminary we talked about Moroni 7. In the first verse it says "And now I, Moroni, write a few of the words of my father Mormon, which he spake concerning faith, hope, and charity" and I underlined faith, hope, and charity, because that is what the whole chapter is about. It is what the gospel is about: how we need to have faith in Jesus Christ, and hope that we can make the world a better place using charity, which is the pure love of Christ.