Even when we can't find the words.

These last few months have been full of growth and personal revelation. It's hard to believe it is already April! I can't believe Ricky and I will have been married for one year in just over a month!!! It still seems like only yesterday we were just married! Time is flying by, but each and every day seems to be its own eternity, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Last weekend, we were blessed to be able to hear from our prophet, apostles, and leaders of the Church. I am so grateful for the messages that were shared! 

I would like to share a few of the messages that rang with me last weekend. 

• "The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of repentance. Because of the Savior's Atonement, His gospel provides an invitation to keep changing, growing, and becoming more pure. It is a gospel of hope, of healing, and of progress. Thus, the gospel is a message of joy!" (Welcome Message, Pres. Russell M. Nelson)
• "Because of Jesus Christ, our failures do not have to define us. They can refine us. 
• Like a musician rehearsing scales, we can see our missteps, flaws, and sins as opportunities for greater self-awareness, deeper and more honest love for others, and refinement through repentance.
• If we repent, mistakes do not disqualify us. They are part of our progress. 
• We are all infants compared to the beings of glory and grandeur we are designed to become. No mortal being advances from crawling to walking to running without frequent stumbles, bumps, and bruises. That is how we learn. 
• If we earnestly keep practicing, always striving to keep God’s commandments, and committing our efforts to repenting, enduring, and applying what we learn, line upon line, we will gather light into our souls. (God among Us, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
• "To be truly life-changing, conversion to Jesus Christ must involve our whole soul and permeate every aspect of our lives. This is why it must be focused at the center of our lives—our families and homes." (Teaching in the Savior's Way, Brother Jan E. Newman)

These are just a few of the many messages that I loved from General Conference last weekend. If you have a chance, I would highly recommend reading and/or watching one conference talk each day. There are so many wonderful messages and lessons from all the leaders, and I am excited for the opportunity to study the messages in detail.

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Change is hard, but it's good to know that I am in good company, as we are all trying to grow and change for the better. Each day, I might fail, but each day is a new day full of new chances. And, as Elder Uchtdorf said in conference last weekend, "our failures do not have to define us. They can refine us." No one is perfect, but we can always try to be better.

Not only have changes been hard for me recently, but so has trying to follow God's plan for me. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I will say this: trying to follow a prompting but feeling like your efforts aren't enough is a real struggle–especially when you need to be patient. Patience is hard, but I've just got to take it one moment–one day–at a time. 

Though life is often challenging, I am grateful for my Heavenly Parents, who offer so much love and support, and who send me angels each and every day. I am grateful for my sweet and patient husband, who loves me so much and tries so very hard to make sure that our life is amazing. I am grateful for wonderful friends, who listen and empathize with me, and who love and support me–even when I don't know what to say other than, "I'm not in the best mood" or "This hurts and is hard".

I'm grateful for the words of the living prophet, through whom God speaks to us. I am grateful that He wants to speak to us! I am grateful that He wants us to talk to Him, and He wants to listen to us. I am grateful that He lets me talk to Him. I have had moments where all I could do was just cry...I poured out my heart to Him through tears...and He listened. He held me and comforted me–I could feel it, and He sent me angels when I needed them. I am so thankful that He hears me when I'm speaking to Him–even if my words are silent. Sometimes, our struggles are too personal to talk about. That is okay. We don't always need to talk about them with others. But God hears us. Even when we can't find the words. He knows. He understands. 

Happy Sunday! Hope you have a wonderful week!

Xoxo

Mattie

Who am I?

So the Elder's Quorum in my single's ward threw a fancy dinner party for the Relief Society yesterday to show us how much they love and appreciate us (because of Valentine's Day). It was just the sweetest thing ever!! They did everything all by themselves, and they even made the pizza dough/pizzas from scratch!! They had tables set up and decorated, and we had waiters take us to our table and take our orders. There was also live music that was awesome. At the end, they gave a little speech about how much they admire us and are grateful for us and then they handed us each a ROSE! It was just so sweet and so cute and I can't help but be grateful for their sweet hearts and natures, and their devotion to the Lord, and to serving us, and for their Christlike love. They are great men who respect and honor their priesthood and the women in their life and I am so grateful to have such amazing men in my life. They are always willing to give me blessings, or pick me up from school when I had a long day, and they are just so thoughtful. They are wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful that my Savior sends them in His stead when I am struggling. 

There were some amazing lessons in church today but today I want to share something I wrote last night:

Who Am I?   

By Mattie Radke   

Who am I?
I am kind. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am valued. I am a friend. I have worth. I have integrity. I have love. I have compassion. I have sympathy. I have empathy. I have grace. I have beauty. I have patience. I have friends. I have family. I have a place to belong. I am loved. I am scared. I am broken. I am healing. I am scarred. I have a Savior. I have a Heavenly Father. I have a Heavenly Mother. I am one of a kind. I am unique. I bring something special to this world. I bring light and love to those in my life. I am passionate. I feel deeply and completely. I give completely. I have so much potential. I am blessed. I am a daughter of God. I am a daughter of a King. I have a divine nature. No one can do what I do. No one can give to the world what I give. No one can replace me. I am special. I am brave. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am crazy and random. But that is what makes me Mattie
Who am I?
I am ME. And that's who I'm meant to be. I'm done apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me, but this is me.

I've had a couple of crazy weeks. They've been good weeks on the whole, but I feel like I've just been trying to get back in the groove of being myself and so it's been really crazy trying to deal with that on top of school, and other things like dating (guh-ross! ;) ). I've been having a lot of talks with several of my friends, trying to figure out what it is about me that is...well, that is me. I have struggled with accepting myself. I have felt like I had to hide parts of me around some people and I hated it. And sometimes I would apologize for being myself. I didn't want to be a nuisance, or an inconvenience, or whatever.

But I finally...I finally came to the realization that I am not going to change. Generally, I mean. Who I am as a person is not really going to change. And I realized if I don't like myself...then who will? Who is going to like a person who doesn't like themself? The honest answer is really no one. No one will. People like people who are confident in who they are.

So I decided to write down who I think I am. What kinds of qualities I think I have or am. What I can give to the world. What is special and unique about ME. And I ended up writing a whole list of things and I just couldn't stop (hence the poem, of sorts). And after writing this list, and thinking about the people in my life, and then about the things that Dalan was saying last night at the dinner about us ladies, and then about my Father in Heaven, I realized something. I realized that I AM ME. No one else. And no one else can be me, and I can't be anyone else. I am amazing. I have gone through some really hard things but I have come out of them stronger and more determined to do right, and be kind, and I am grateful for who I have become. I am grateful for modern medicine, and for therapists, and for friends, and for happiness, and for love, and for peace, and for grace, and for confidence. I am grateful for positivity, and for gratitude, and for all of the wonderful and beautiful and amazing human beings in my life.

I went on a date yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be almost 100% myself. And I feel like I am being more like myself every day. I'm not perfect, and some days I still fall short...but failing is okay. Failure means you've tried. Sometimes trying is all that we can do.

So! Here's what I want YOU to remember:
First: You are BRILLIANT.
2) Be yourself! You will honestly be much more comfortable!
C) Remember that GOD LOVES YOU ALWAYS.
IV. I love you and am always here for you.

I hope you have a lovely week! Life is great! You are fantastic! You are loved! You are strong! You can do hard things!! Thank you for being you!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Your value does not change when you fail.

Today I was thinking a lot. Mainly because I really had a horrible, horrible headache and couldn't really focus on the lessons today (I did listen and learned a little but mainly I tried to stop the pummeling in my head). But also because I have had a lot to think about. Let's start with what I was thinking about in sacrament meeting:

Patiently waiting is hard. Especially when you're waiting for blessings, answers, peace, or your birthday, and they're just not getting here fast enough. Finding ways to keep yourself busy in the meantime is hard. Because all you want is to know what to do, or to just feel like the decision you already made was the right one. But it feels like you can't hear anything. So you think, "Maybe I'm not doing enough." So you try to read your scriptures more deeply, and pray more fervently, and be there for your friends, and...nothing. The only place you feel it, and hear it, is the temple. But you can't always be at the temple. So you don't know what to do except doing what you're doing and hope that you'll hear it soon. You have faith that He is there, even when you can't hear Him, because you have felt it before. You're not sure why it even stopped, but you just keep hoping. And it's not like you haven't felt it; you have. Just not when you have wanted and deeded it desperately. But you keep going, and lean on the testimonies of your friends and family until you're back on your feet and can hear it and feel it again.

~I think it's because I can hardly hear anything over my depression. And even though I want to be and try to be, I'm not really happy. Luckily I am not alone in this time of my life: I have family, friends, my therapist, and my Savior. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I am hoping to be able to find an answer, or be closer to finding an answer.  

One theme of today that I noticed was God's love. It was kind of just all encompassing today, and I'm not going to lie–I really needed it.

One of my favorite things that was said in sacrament meeting today was that we can't forget to have charity towards ourself. I'd never thought of that before–having charity towards yourself. But when you think about it, it makes sense. We're told to love our neighbors and ourselves, and we're told to have charity towards our neighbors. So if we're supposed to love our neighbors and also have charity towards them, and also love ourselves, it stands to reason that we should have charity towards ourselves, too.

Gospel doctrine was just what I needed today. We talked about successfully failing. And how we need to learn to be...maybe not happy about failing...but positive about it. Note that we tried! And learn from it. Recognize the progress you've made. And–most importantly, in my opinion–understand that YOUR VALUE DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN YOU FAIL. 

We don't really learn a lot from succeeding the first time. We really learn the most when we fail. We learn to take a step back and look at things from a new angle. No matter how many times we fail, we are still the same value as we were before.

Another thing that we talked bout that I absolutely LOVED was that it's not very Christlike to not forgive yourself. I've never thought about that before but it is so true! Christ forgives EVERYONE, every time. So, if we want to be more Christlike, we need to forgive ourselves, too.

And nothing is embarrassing to Him. We can tell Him anything, and ask for forgiveness for the littlest and most dumbest things in our mind, but it's important to Him because it's important to us.

Heavenly Father's view of us doesn't change, even if our view of ourself does. 

He will always love us, and we will always be important to him. And we will always be valued.

Take the New Year and make yourself into someone better than you've ever been.

Happy New Year's Eve! Can you believe it's the end of the year?! What a crazy year it has been! It's been a really stressful year that has stretched me in ways I couldn't even imagine being stretched in. But it's been a good year for me. I've grown and learned a lot. I've learned a lot about me and things that I want, and things that I need, and I have grown closer to my Savior in so many wonderful and beautiful ways. I am looking forward to continue to grow closer to Him, and to hopefully grow stronger and become more confident in several additional aspects of my life. I am hoping to change a lot of things this year, with the help of my Savior. I am not going to be able to do all the things I am planning to do without Him, so it is a good thing I can turn to Him. I am excited for this New Year and can't wait to see where it takes me!

This year has been really full of a lot of changes, and distressing times, and a lot of decisions that I needed to make, but I realized that:
1) I need to finish school. Whatever happens, I need to get a degree. Last semester was the worst one yet, and I really wanted to quit, but I need to finish. I am literally so close.
2) I am going to be okay by myself.
3) I am who I am, and that is okay. But sometimes I need to take a breather and slow down, and calm down.
4) Sometimes I will not know what I am doing. Sometimes I will not know where I am going. Sometimes I will just not know. And that is completely fine.

Because of the things I've learned this year, I have several ideas for my New Year's Resolutions:
-To be confident and patient/to have confidence and patience (in myself, in friendships, in dating, etc.)
-To be stronger (in my testimony, in my determination to do what's right)
-To be less me (focus more on others)
-To be more studious (in school, in scripture study. I also want to study The Living Christ this year)
-To be more grateful (I want to focus more on what I have)
-To go to the temple more (I want to make a goal to go to the temple for baptisms/confirmations at least once a month, but to go to the temple grounds at least two times a month)

When making New Year's Resolutions, here are some things to keep in mind:
-Start now
-Keep an eternal perspective
-Find what works for YOU
-Accept that you will fail (maybe not all the time, but you will fail)
-Remember that no matter how many times you fail, Heavenly Father is proud of you for trying and will always love you!

Last year, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to focus on my Savior every week. I am not going to lie, I don't think I 100% followed that resolution. But I think it was because I was looking at it the wrong way. I think that because of what I've learned in the last year, and the resolutions I have this year, that I will be able to focus more on my Savior this year.
I think what I should have done last year was what I did this year: make more mini-goals to add up to my big goal(s). Another thing that I should have done was keep a special journal to track my progress in my goals. I also just saw an idea that I loved that I want to adapt and try: the idea was to, at the end of the week, write something good that happened that week and put it in a mason jar. I want to try and write at the end of the day something good that happened that day. And if I can't think of something, I'll write something about the day that I'm grateful for. I think that this will help me be more positive, and be able to focus on things, and ground myself when I'm having tough or dark days. If I can just find one bright thing about my day, even when it's been horrible, I know that I will be able to get through it.

It's been a good year! Long, and full of many adventures, misadventures, and learning, but it was a good year. I hope that I can take this New Year and make not only it and my life into something good, but I hope that I can take it and make me into someone better than I've ever been before. I hope that you can work on your resolutions throughout the whole year. Don't be discouraged if you fail a time or two--if you never fail, you never succeed.

Xoxo
Mattie