Who am I?

So the Elder's Quorum in my single's ward threw a fancy dinner party for the Relief Society yesterday to show us how much they love and appreciate us (because of Valentine's Day). It was just the sweetest thing ever!! They did everything all by themselves, and they even made the pizza dough/pizzas from scratch!! They had tables set up and decorated, and we had waiters take us to our table and take our orders. There was also live music that was awesome. At the end, they gave a little speech about how much they admire us and are grateful for us and then they handed us each a ROSE! It was just so sweet and so cute and I can't help but be grateful for their sweet hearts and natures, and their devotion to the Lord, and to serving us, and for their Christlike love. They are great men who respect and honor their priesthood and the women in their life and I am so grateful to have such amazing men in my life. They are always willing to give me blessings, or pick me up from school when I had a long day, and they are just so thoughtful. They are wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful that my Savior sends them in His stead when I am struggling. 

There were some amazing lessons in church today but today I want to share something I wrote last night:

Who Am I?   

By Mattie Radke   

Who am I?
I am kind. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am valued. I am a friend. I have worth. I have integrity. I have love. I have compassion. I have sympathy. I have empathy. I have grace. I have beauty. I have patience. I have friends. I have family. I have a place to belong. I am loved. I am scared. I am broken. I am healing. I am scarred. I have a Savior. I have a Heavenly Father. I have a Heavenly Mother. I am one of a kind. I am unique. I bring something special to this world. I bring light and love to those in my life. I am passionate. I feel deeply and completely. I give completely. I have so much potential. I am blessed. I am a daughter of God. I am a daughter of a King. I have a divine nature. No one can do what I do. No one can give to the world what I give. No one can replace me. I am special. I am brave. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am crazy and random. But that is what makes me Mattie
Who am I?
I am ME. And that's who I'm meant to be. I'm done apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me, but this is me.

I've had a couple of crazy weeks. They've been good weeks on the whole, but I feel like I've just been trying to get back in the groove of being myself and so it's been really crazy trying to deal with that on top of school, and other things like dating (guh-ross! ;) ). I've been having a lot of talks with several of my friends, trying to figure out what it is about me that is...well, that is me. I have struggled with accepting myself. I have felt like I had to hide parts of me around some people and I hated it. And sometimes I would apologize for being myself. I didn't want to be a nuisance, or an inconvenience, or whatever.

But I finally...I finally came to the realization that I am not going to change. Generally, I mean. Who I am as a person is not really going to change. And I realized if I don't like myself...then who will? Who is going to like a person who doesn't like themself? The honest answer is really no one. No one will. People like people who are confident in who they are.

So I decided to write down who I think I am. What kinds of qualities I think I have or am. What I can give to the world. What is special and unique about ME. And I ended up writing a whole list of things and I just couldn't stop (hence the poem, of sorts). And after writing this list, and thinking about the people in my life, and then about the things that Dalan was saying last night at the dinner about us ladies, and then about my Father in Heaven, I realized something. I realized that I AM ME. No one else. And no one else can be me, and I can't be anyone else. I am amazing. I have gone through some really hard things but I have come out of them stronger and more determined to do right, and be kind, and I am grateful for who I have become. I am grateful for modern medicine, and for therapists, and for friends, and for happiness, and for love, and for peace, and for grace, and for confidence. I am grateful for positivity, and for gratitude, and for all of the wonderful and beautiful and amazing human beings in my life.

I went on a date yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be almost 100% myself. And I feel like I am being more like myself every day. I'm not perfect, and some days I still fall short...but failing is okay. Failure means you've tried. Sometimes trying is all that we can do.

So! Here's what I want YOU to remember:
First: You are BRILLIANT.
2) Be yourself! You will honestly be much more comfortable!
C) Remember that GOD LOVES YOU ALWAYS.
IV. I love you and am always here for you.

I hope you have a lovely week! Life is great! You are fantastic! You are loved! You are strong! You can do hard things!! Thank you for being you!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

I am learning.

First things first: I had the opportunity to go to the BYU Spectacular with some friends last night and it was AMAZING!!! Kristin Chenoweth is fantastic, and Gentri and Vocal Point were awesome! So thankful that I had the opportunity to see it with them, and I'm glad they had fun!!

Second: I missed posting last week because it was General Conference and I had a lot of stuff going on. But! I have a lot of things that I learned in this past week, and am still learning, that I wanted to share:

I am learning that I can do hard things.

I am learning that I am more capable than I realize.

I am learning that I am not alone.

I am learning that I am strong.

I am learning that I can be happy, even when I'm going through tough things.

I am learning that God loves me so much, He's saving me from a lot of pain.

I am learning that I am loved.

I am learning that patience is a virtue.

I am learning that emotions are sometimes REALLY HARD to deal with!

I am learning that I have the roommates that I need in my life right now.

I am learning that I can't always fix things.

I am learning that stress doesn't fix anything.

I am learning that you can't always see the other side.

I am learning that you can't let the past define you.

I am learning that you can't let the past get ahead of you and keep you from your future.

I am learning that God's plan for me isn't the same as mine, and that our timelines probably aren't even close to being similar, but I'm also learning that that's okay.

I am learning that peace comes from the Book of Mormon, especially when I'm stressed.

I am learning that life is hard, but I am so tough, and I have God on my side.

Some of these things I've already previously learned, but had forgotten. Some of them are new.  Either way, they're all still worth knowing and learning. It's been a crazy week, and I've had a lot going on, and I've been through a lot. I've had a lot of talks with my roommates, and I've learned way too many things about myself in one week than is probably healthy haha but it has been helpful. My roommate gave me a few goals to work on in the next couple of weeks, and I think that they will help me in one aspect specifically, but I've learned that generally they all blend together, so it will probably help me in more than one.

I am grateful for my roommates. They show so much strength in times of hardship and sorrow. I'm so grateful that they are all kind, loving, and have such wonderful testimonies. I am learning lots from them every single day, and I am so grateful for that.

Xoxo
Mattie

Something special.

I was thinking to myself this morning about some things, and I couldn't let it go. So I thought I'd write a little poem about it, and I did, and I think it says what I want it to.

Sometimes it's hard being me. 

I overthink all the things about my appearance.
I'm pretty sure 99% of the things that I worry about are only noticed by me.

Sometimes I think my friends are exaggerating when they tell me I'm beautiful.
But I know that can't be true because it's impossible for 100% of my friends to all be exaggerating my beauty. Someone's bound to tell the truth. 

So the only other plausible option is that I'm beautiful. 

Not just on the outside–on the inside too. 

Again, I overthink all the things and criticize all the parts of my personality.

But I'm reminded by my friends that they love me. 

And that I am beautiful. And capable. And strong.

And I remember that I'm a daughter of God. And He loves me. And He wants me to be who I am because that's who He made. He made me. And He loves me exactly the way I am. He made me something special because He knows I can be something special.

So who am I to question God? If He thinks I'm something special, I must indeed be something special.

~~"Something Special", a poem by Me