New understandings.

Can't believe this week IS IT! This is my LAST WEEK OF COLLEGE!

This week, I have been struggling to focus on school. I'm just so ready to be done and I am very anxious for my finals. But I think that everything will be okay in the end.

I did a lot of pondering during church today. It was pretty therapeutic, and I am grateful for some of the thoughts that I had.

My life is my life, and God has a unique plan for me.

There was this quote that I saw on Facebook that I loved:

I had never thought about it in that way before. There are things I need to learn right now...and I need to learn them by myself. As I am waiting, I can learn to have more faith. I can have a stronger character. And I can keep hoping. It's so hard sometimes. It's really hard, actually. Sometimes I'm okay with life...and sometimes I get really sad about it. It's hard to remember that my worth is constant, and solely based on the fact that I am a child of God. It's hard to remember that I am a PERSON first. It's hard to see what kinds of things I might need to learn right now. It's hard to see what kinds of things I have to give to the world. 

It's also sometimes hard to remember I don't need to have anything specific to be happy. I get to CHOOSE whether or not I am happy every day. I need to remember to turn to my Savior and lean on Him. And sometimes it's difficult. My depression and anxiety don't always help. I think that I need to focus on my testimony right now. And my mental health. It is okay for me to feel sad. But I can't let it overwhelm me. I can't let my sadness get to me. I have to be patient. 

It's kinda funny...right as I was writing about having to be patient, the second speaker in sacrament meeting was starting his talk, which was about...PATIENCE. 

While he was talking, I kept thinking about a lot of different things that I need to work on. I think that I need to gain a new understanding of patience and work on it. I also need to figure out what "trusting the Lord" means to me. 

One important thing that I was thinking about was how I need to make time to go to the temple each week. I can't not go. It drives me crazy when I don't go. I receive more peace, understanding, and blessings when I go and I am able to realign my views on life. I know that this will bless me because when I was going every week earlier this year, my life was better. My life is better with the Gospel–it's better with the temple, and it's better with the Lord.

I'm very excited to be done with school this week! I am excited to begin working full-time at the daycare! I love the kiddos so much and am so grateful for all the things that they teach me! 

Happy Sunday! Have a great week! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

beauty is.

what is beauty?

I've heard it said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. while I believe this is true to an extent, I also believe that beauty can be found in everyone and everything.

"beauty is found in the quiet of a brisk winter night.
beauty is found in the flower-scented wind in spring.
beauty is found in the tenderness of children.
beauty is found in the wildness of children.
beauty is found in the love for a pet.
beauty is found in the love for art.
beauty is found in the way that someone tries to make a difference.
beauty is found in the way that someone decides to express emotion.
beauty is found in the way that someone's head tilts back when they laugh.
beauty is found in the way that someone looks at someone they love.
beauty is found in the way that someone finds their passion in life.
beauty is found in the way that someone finally understands who they are.
beauty is found in the way that we look at the world through God's eyes."
~"beauty is found" by Mattie Radke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you know, no one is perfect. yep, even people you believe are perfect are, in fact, not so.

actually, there is one thing that people can be perfect at (however, just because they can be doesn't mean that they will be).

that thing that people can be perfect at? trying.

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I try so. hard. to be good at something, or to do something right, or to focus on something. sometimes it doesn't work at all. but if I really tried, I can't honestly be mad at myself, can I? I did my best. that's all that anyone can ask, right? right.

except, sometimes–I don't know about you, but sometimes I beat myself up about stupid stuff. does that happen to anyone else? yeah? okay, good. well, you're not alone, and I'm not alone, and we don't have to beat ourselves up about stupid stuff.

in fact, we shouldn't beat ourselves up about stupid stuff. we should learn from our mistakes and just try again. I know that's easier said than done, and sometimes life is hard. I'm not going to lie to you. sometimes it is really, really difficult. and oftentimes what is difficult for someone else isn't as difficult for me, or vice versa. but that doesn't mean that it's not difficult for you.

our world is so wrapped up in a lot of things...which, I am not going to discuss at the present time...however! one thing that troubles me is the fact that no one can feel like their experiences are hard. or, even worse–no one wants to feel like their experiences are difficult.

a common phrase I've not only heard people say to others (or even to themselves), but I myself have also said before (I am trying to work on not saying it), is, "other people have it worse." or other variations of that phrase. how sad is that????? that we can't even feel our own experiences because "someone else has it worse" than we do? that is something that I think is absolutely NOT okay!!!

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS. WITHOUT QUESTION.

there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for someone to tell you that "you should be thankful that you don't have it worse." NONE. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE REAL, AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.

I'm sorry to shout, but I have strong feelings about this. no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but we also all have feelings, and each and every one of our feelings deserves to be heard, felt, expressed, and understood. just because you live a different life than someone else does not mean that your emotions don't matter. I will say that there are some times where the emotions are a little over-the-top, but even then, they deserve to at least be felt or expressed in some way.

one thing that I think is so amazing is that Jesus Christ knows exactly how we fell in all the situations that we find ourselves in.

He knows exactly how it felt to find out that your dad had cancer.
He knows exactly how it felt the first time someone broke your heart. and the second time, and the third time.
He knows exactly how it felt the first time you fell in love. or the first time you saw the stars from the countryside.
He knows exactly how it felt when you first touched a violin, and heard its sweet notes sing as you pulled the bow across the strings (actually, that experience wouldn't be that exact time...more like the first time you competently pulled the bow across the strings).
He knows exactly how you feel each time you see other people moving along in their lives in ways that you want to, but just haven't encountered yet.
He knows exactly how hard it is to watch your closest friend fall away from the church.
He knows exactly how hard it is to watch your loved ones in pain–even for a moment.
He knows exactly how it felt to realize that you were the last person to see someone before they died, and you didn't know it then.
He knows exactly how a new mom feels when she's tired, sore, exhausted, and her baby is struggling to sleep, or eat, or breathe.

He knows how all of these things feel, and more.

and each time you experience something, your feelings are valid. it is valid to feel vulnerable, lost, and sad. it is valid to feel excited, blessed, and loved. it is valid to feel sad, unmotivated, and distraught. I just want you to know that no matter what you are going through, it is okay to feel whatever you feel. sometimes you will be feeling sad or mad and that is okay. sometimes you will feel disappointed and upset and that is okay. as long as you don't let your feelings control you, it is okay to experience any type of emotion. no one should have to shut their feelings off because someone says they shouldn't feel bad, or be controlled by their feelings because they don't have any experience with them.

can I tell you something important? God loves you with every fiber of His being, and you are beautiful to Him. in all your imperfections, He loves you with a love that cannot end. in all of your emotions, He understands you in ways that no one else can. He wants you to remember that you are still learning. you are human, and you will make mistakes. but He still loves you. He wants you to keep trying, keep learning. He wants you to keep loving Him, and to keep serving Him, and to keep blessing those around you.

I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. I hope that you guys have a wonderful week, and that you remember whose you are.

xoxo
Mattie 

Who am I?

So the Elder's Quorum in my single's ward threw a fancy dinner party for the Relief Society yesterday to show us how much they love and appreciate us (because of Valentine's Day). It was just the sweetest thing ever!! They did everything all by themselves, and they even made the pizza dough/pizzas from scratch!! They had tables set up and decorated, and we had waiters take us to our table and take our orders. There was also live music that was awesome. At the end, they gave a little speech about how much they admire us and are grateful for us and then they handed us each a ROSE! It was just so sweet and so cute and I can't help but be grateful for their sweet hearts and natures, and their devotion to the Lord, and to serving us, and for their Christlike love. They are great men who respect and honor their priesthood and the women in their life and I am so grateful to have such amazing men in my life. They are always willing to give me blessings, or pick me up from school when I had a long day, and they are just so thoughtful. They are wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful that my Savior sends them in His stead when I am struggling. 

There were some amazing lessons in church today but today I want to share something I wrote last night:

Who Am I?   

By Mattie Radke   

Who am I?
I am kind. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am valued. I am a friend. I have worth. I have integrity. I have love. I have compassion. I have sympathy. I have empathy. I have grace. I have beauty. I have patience. I have friends. I have family. I have a place to belong. I am loved. I am scared. I am broken. I am healing. I am scarred. I have a Savior. I have a Heavenly Father. I have a Heavenly Mother. I am one of a kind. I am unique. I bring something special to this world. I bring light and love to those in my life. I am passionate. I feel deeply and completely. I give completely. I have so much potential. I am blessed. I am a daughter of God. I am a daughter of a King. I have a divine nature. No one can do what I do. No one can give to the world what I give. No one can replace me. I am special. I am brave. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am crazy and random. But that is what makes me Mattie
Who am I?
I am ME. And that's who I'm meant to be. I'm done apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me, but this is me.

I've had a couple of crazy weeks. They've been good weeks on the whole, but I feel like I've just been trying to get back in the groove of being myself and so it's been really crazy trying to deal with that on top of school, and other things like dating (guh-ross! ;) ). I've been having a lot of talks with several of my friends, trying to figure out what it is about me that is...well, that is me. I have struggled with accepting myself. I have felt like I had to hide parts of me around some people and I hated it. And sometimes I would apologize for being myself. I didn't want to be a nuisance, or an inconvenience, or whatever.

But I finally...I finally came to the realization that I am not going to change. Generally, I mean. Who I am as a person is not really going to change. And I realized if I don't like myself...then who will? Who is going to like a person who doesn't like themself? The honest answer is really no one. No one will. People like people who are confident in who they are.

So I decided to write down who I think I am. What kinds of qualities I think I have or am. What I can give to the world. What is special and unique about ME. And I ended up writing a whole list of things and I just couldn't stop (hence the poem, of sorts). And after writing this list, and thinking about the people in my life, and then about the things that Dalan was saying last night at the dinner about us ladies, and then about my Father in Heaven, I realized something. I realized that I AM ME. No one else. And no one else can be me, and I can't be anyone else. I am amazing. I have gone through some really hard things but I have come out of them stronger and more determined to do right, and be kind, and I am grateful for who I have become. I am grateful for modern medicine, and for therapists, and for friends, and for happiness, and for love, and for peace, and for grace, and for confidence. I am grateful for positivity, and for gratitude, and for all of the wonderful and beautiful and amazing human beings in my life.

I went on a date yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be almost 100% myself. And I feel like I am being more like myself every day. I'm not perfect, and some days I still fall short...but failing is okay. Failure means you've tried. Sometimes trying is all that we can do.

So! Here's what I want YOU to remember:
First: You are BRILLIANT.
2) Be yourself! You will honestly be much more comfortable!
C) Remember that GOD LOVES YOU ALWAYS.
IV. I love you and am always here for you.

I hope you have a lovely week! Life is great! You are fantastic! You are loved! You are strong! You can do hard things!! Thank you for being you!!!

Xoxo
Mattie