Even when we can't find the words.

These last few months have been full of growth and personal revelation. It's hard to believe it is already April! I can't believe Ricky and I will have been married for one year in just over a month!!! It still seems like only yesterday we were just married! Time is flying by, but each and every day seems to be its own eternity, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Last weekend, we were blessed to be able to hear from our prophet, apostles, and leaders of the Church. I am so grateful for the messages that were shared! 

I would like to share a few of the messages that rang with me last weekend. 

• "The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of repentance. Because of the Savior's Atonement, His gospel provides an invitation to keep changing, growing, and becoming more pure. It is a gospel of hope, of healing, and of progress. Thus, the gospel is a message of joy!" (Welcome Message, Pres. Russell M. Nelson)
• "Because of Jesus Christ, our failures do not have to define us. They can refine us. 
• Like a musician rehearsing scales, we can see our missteps, flaws, and sins as opportunities for greater self-awareness, deeper and more honest love for others, and refinement through repentance.
• If we repent, mistakes do not disqualify us. They are part of our progress. 
• We are all infants compared to the beings of glory and grandeur we are designed to become. No mortal being advances from crawling to walking to running without frequent stumbles, bumps, and bruises. That is how we learn. 
• If we earnestly keep practicing, always striving to keep God’s commandments, and committing our efforts to repenting, enduring, and applying what we learn, line upon line, we will gather light into our souls. (God among Us, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
• "To be truly life-changing, conversion to Jesus Christ must involve our whole soul and permeate every aspect of our lives. This is why it must be focused at the center of our lives—our families and homes." (Teaching in the Savior's Way, Brother Jan E. Newman)

These are just a few of the many messages that I loved from General Conference last weekend. If you have a chance, I would highly recommend reading and/or watching one conference talk each day. There are so many wonderful messages and lessons from all the leaders, and I am excited for the opportunity to study the messages in detail.

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Change is hard, but it's good to know that I am in good company, as we are all trying to grow and change for the better. Each day, I might fail, but each day is a new day full of new chances. And, as Elder Uchtdorf said in conference last weekend, "our failures do not have to define us. They can refine us." No one is perfect, but we can always try to be better.

Not only have changes been hard for me recently, but so has trying to follow God's plan for me. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I will say this: trying to follow a prompting but feeling like your efforts aren't enough is a real struggle–especially when you need to be patient. Patience is hard, but I've just got to take it one moment–one day–at a time. 

Though life is often challenging, I am grateful for my Heavenly Parents, who offer so much love and support, and who send me angels each and every day. I am grateful for my sweet and patient husband, who loves me so much and tries so very hard to make sure that our life is amazing. I am grateful for wonderful friends, who listen and empathize with me, and who love and support me–even when I don't know what to say other than, "I'm not in the best mood" or "This hurts and is hard".

I'm grateful for the words of the living prophet, through whom God speaks to us. I am grateful that He wants to speak to us! I am grateful that He wants us to talk to Him, and He wants to listen to us. I am grateful that He lets me talk to Him. I have had moments where all I could do was just cry...I poured out my heart to Him through tears...and He listened. He held me and comforted me–I could feel it, and He sent me angels when I needed them. I am so thankful that He hears me when I'm speaking to Him–even if my words are silent. Sometimes, our struggles are too personal to talk about. That is okay. We don't always need to talk about them with others. But God hears us. Even when we can't find the words. He knows. He understands. 

Happy Sunday! Hope you have a wonderful week!

Xoxo

Mattie

He answers privately.

Happy November! Can you believe it is November already?? How time flies! Ricky and I have been married now for just over five months and I can't even believe we are going to have been married for six months later this month! I was just thinking earlier today about how next month, it will be one year from the day that Ricky proposed! I can't even believe it. Time is flying by, and yet, it is going by so slowly at the same time.

I am grateful for the beautiful and wondrous world that we live in. I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord, and for His hand in my life. I am grateful for the blessings of the priesthood, and for the miracles that they can bring into our lives.

This week was one of the weirdest weeks, I think, for many personal reasons. But it was also one that reminded me of how blessed I am. I have had several headaches this week, and it hasn't been pleasant. But I am grateful for my husband, who has been my rock this week. He has given me a blessing, helped me with dinners, dressed up with me for Halloween, and has let me take my afternoons and evenings to work on my crafting projects as needed/wanted. He has let me rest when I needed it, and has cuddled with me when I needed it. I couldn't have asked for a better partner. He is always wanting to make sure that I am taken care of, and I am so grateful for his love and concern.

I have been watching The Chosen recently–a TV show based on the life of Jesus Christ. It is an amazing show and I highly recommend it. Today, I watched an episode that reminded me just how much our Savior loves and cares for each of us. One of Jesus' apostles, Simon, is married, and his wife's mother (his mother-in-law) has been sick, and came to stay with them. However, Simon is now a follower of Jesus, and has been traveling with Him. Simon is very worried about his wife and his mother-in-law, and how they will fare while he is out traveling with Jesus. Jesus takes time from their journey to visit Simon's wife, and address her concerns. He also takes time to heal her mother, so that Simon doesn't have to worry about them while he is out on the road. 

This episode made me emotional, as it was a reminder to me that Jesus knows our situation; He knows what we need. In life, we need to go through trials, and sometimes we might feel lost, alone, or afraid. Our Heavenly Father and Savior know what we are going through, and They know what we need. While we may not always have our trials and problems solved or erased, He blesses us and gives us peace and comfort in our trials. While our trials might not always be seen by others, they are very real to us, and I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows exactly how I feel, and who knows how to comfort me. I am so grateful that He answers ME. He can and does speak to ME. I am grateful for this knowledge and for the connection that I feel to Him. 

I am grateful for my sweet, loving, sensitive husband, who only wants me to be happy. I love his kind and caring heart, and I love that he is always willing to serve me, and to make sure that I am happy and comfortable.

I am grateful for a compassionate and empathetic Savior, who knows exactly how I am feeling, and who knows what I need. I am grateful that He listens to my prayers, and that He not only knows how to comfort me, but sends His Spirit, as well as any angels (on this side of the veil or the other) to help bring me solace. I love this beautiful version of two of my favorite hymns, Where Can I Turn for Peace? and Be Still, My Soul. Calee Reed is one of my favorite Christian artists, and her music always brings the Spirit in such beautiful ways. I hope that this song touches you and brings you any needed peace, comfort, and love.

I hope you have a wonderful week! God is so good.

Xoxo

Mattie

Making conscious decisions to change.

 Happy Sunday, my friends!

I am so grateful for the beautiful days that have been occurring this past week! It's a friendly reminder that it is FALL! 

This week, I have been learning about making more (and better) conscious decisions in my life. It's not always easy, because sometimes when we are living in the moment, things just happen. But I've been learning that when you take a step back, slow down, and remember those who you need to help, your capability to make those conscious decisions increases. 

I am reminded of the story of the woman who was found in adultery (odd segue, I know, but bear with me). The Pharisees bring the woman to Jesus, and tried to catch Him in His teachings. But Jesus stops and stoops down, and says nothing. After they continue to ask Him, He stands, and says, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." The Pharisees, "convicted by their own conscience", walk away. 

Let me tell you why I was reminded of this story. I have been working on my temper lately, and sometimes I remember in the moment of anger to take a step back, so I can calm down and come back when I am calm again. My anger can be represented by the Pharisees. I am like Jesus, and my conscious decision is when He chooses to stoop down. The feelings of anger are like the Pharisees, and they keep pestering me to explode. But, like Jesus, I can stand firm, and not be provoked. 

I know that that is an odd comparison, but I love that the stories and parables found in the scriptures can be applied to so many different situations and circumstances in our lives!

While I haven't been perfect at working on my temper, I know and treasure that I am doing better. I am recognizing when I am upset, and when I am unable to discuss why I am upset. I am getting better at saying, "I don't want to talk about that right now." I am grateful that I have a loving Father in Heaven and Savior who are working with me to become better, and I am grateful that I have a loving and patient husband who has been so understanding.

I'm grateful for the chance to start over each and every week. I am grateful for my Savior, who loves me, and who is by my side. I am grateful for His Atonement, and for His willingness to die for me so that I can repent and try again in order to be able to live with Heavenly Father again. I am grateful that I get to be with my husband for time and all eternity. 

Hope you all have a great week!! September is almost over, and October is almost here! Happy Fall!

Xoxo

Mattie

Healing my wounded soul.

Nothing heals a wounded soul more than nature and music.

Today on my lunch break, I realized that I was feeling very depressed and down. I did not know why, nor do I know now. Sometimes I just get very sad, and I have to figure out how to move past it.

We are no longer allowed to eat in the break room (thanks to COVID-19 🙄) so I've been grabbing my picnic blanket out of my car and eating on the grass under this beautiful green tree for the past week.

The time I go for lunch, the sun is usually just peeking out of those branches, and sometimes gets in my eyes. But I love it. I love to look at the blue sky, contrasting the green leaves of the tree.

Today, because I was feeling sad, I read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk Like a Broken Vessel. It was a reminder to me that it's okay to need to take time to rest and recoup. After that, I put on some of my "Sunday/Spiritual" music to listen to while I was eating lunch/laying on the blanket in the grass.

It didn't stop me from being sad right away–or even completely–but knowing that God hears me, and sees me, and knows how I'm feeling was a blessing. I was still a bit sad the rest of the day at work, but I did feel better after listening to my music, and after breathing in some fresh air and just taking a little time to relax.

Though my mind and soul might be bruised and sore, God is taking care of my wounds and I will feel better soon, I know it. It just takes time. Not our time, but His time.

I am not going to lie, when I realized that I was feeling depressed, my very first thought was that I just wanted to cry. Which is okay! It's okay to cry! And I did want to. And I almost did, but I then I had the thought that I should read to Elder Holland's talk, and it was exactly what I needed. And then I listened to my music because I just needed the Spirit that my Sunday music brings, and it was so beautiful. It was quiet, peaceful, and almost like my own personal Sacred Grove.

I am so very grateful for my husband, who is so compassionate and wonderful and loving towards me not just always, but especially when I am at my lowest points. I so appreciate his love, attitude, and the sacrifices that he makes for me to ensure that I feel comforted and loved! 

I hope everyone has a great Father's Day weekend! I am so sorry I haven't been posting as often. I am working on a blog post that is taking time because I want to get it right. In the meantime, I had this thought today and wanted to share.

I love you all! Married life is wonderful and I'll fill you all in on that later!

God is great, you are loved, let's be kind!!

Xoxo

Mattie Ruth Radke VELASQUEZ

God always gives us blessings–especially when we're sick.

What a week this has been! I have been sick with a cold, and it has made me extremely tired all week! But I have been able to see God's hand in my life every day this week. I was able to wake up early enough every morning to get to work on time, and I've been able to drink lots of water this week. I've been taking some medicine randomly, but this week I'm going to try to take it more routinely and help my body kick this sickness!

In other news, I've been learning and growing a lot this week at work. I had to be more patient than normal (because sick Mattie apparently canNOT deal with things that make her impatient), and I had to work all week through my cold and headaches that occurred nearly every day. The worst part is that every other day was good, and every other day was bad. So some days I felt like I was getting better, and then other days I was almost worse than I was before. It has been a tough week. I think that I was able to rein in my emotions this week, so my kids didn't really notice anything off about me, which is good.

I was thinking about the story of the Prodigal Son in the New Testament earlier this week, and it reminded me of something my New Testament professor this last year said. He said that it should really be called the story of the Prodigal Sons because the son that stayed home also was a little lost. When his brother came back, he was jealous of all the attention he was getting, and of the party that his father threw for him just because he came home. I made a post on my Facebook page for this blog about it, and you can find that link here.

I am really grateful that I was able to make it through this week. I'm grateful for the love and peace I've felt from my Father in Heaven, and from some of my friends. Despite my sickness, and the headaches and such, this week was pretty good, and full of happiness. As I listened to conference talks and read my scriptures, I felt like the Lord was proud of me, and that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I am hoping that I will be feeling better by the end of this week, because I don't want to spend the whole season sick!

I'm grateful for the power of the priesthood, and that my dad is always willing to give me a blessing. I am grateful for my family, and for the love and support that they give me, and for the fun times that we have together. I am grateful for my friends, and for their love and support, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love. I am grateful for my Savior, and for His love and sacrifice. I am grateful that He was willing to sacrifice His life so that we could return to live with our Father in Heaven someday.

Sorry this week's post is so short! I am just very tired and need to go rest some more! I hope that everyone has an amazing week this week!! I love you and am praying for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

He has the most perfect plan for me.

Okay, so this week was super interesting! It started off normal, but on Tuesday I got the news that I will be taking over the preschool classroom at work! I am very nervous but also very excited! I also received my college diploma in the mail on Tuesday! It is now official–I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!

Tuesday was honestly such a blessing, because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose. These last couple of weeks/months have been really hard for me in many ways, but receiving my diploma and getting to teach the three-year-olds at work is a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.

In Relief Society today, we discussed the General Conference talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund.

We talked about how we don't earn blessings, but we do have to qualify for them. We also don't get to  pick and choose the blessings we get. God gives us the blessings that we need–and also when we need them. Elder Renlund said, "Blessings are never earned, but faith-inspired actions on our part, both initial and ongoing, are essential."

Blessings come on God's timetable–even if we are qualified. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn by waiting. We have to have faith, and patience. It's hard. Really it is. There are things that I want more than anything in the world but am unable to have right now and it's HARD to have faith. It's HARD to have patience. It's HARD to trust that God knows best and that everything will work out in the end.

But I was talking with some friends this week, and they gave me some really good advice. One of my friends said, "We can have lives tailor-made for us by the One who sees it all...God is still looking out for you, regardless of how content you are with your life." I really loved that. I need to trust Him because it's not up to me. It's in His hands. He has the most perfect plan for me, and He is looking out for me–even when I'm upset and confused about what is going on in my life.

I've been seeing His hand a lot in my life this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can make a difference. I feel like I can actually do some good. I'm terrified beyond explanation to teach, but I am grateful for not only an amazing boss who is willing to help me as I'm trying to get ready to start to teach these kiddos next week, but I'm grateful for an amazing God who is blessing me with opportunities to grow. Even when I doubt Him sometimes. Even when I doubt myself. Even when I don't really understand why I am going through what I am going through. He is giving me opportunities to work on myself, and to work on trusting Him. I'm learning to live in the moment and live for myself.

I'm really grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that He still loves and blesses me even when I do not always entirely trust Him. I am trying to be better about trusting Him, and seeing that there are good things about my life each and every day. I am not perfect, and every day I struggle with lots of different things–sometimes the same things each day. But I am trying to be better. And I know that even if my trust in God is growing by baby steps, it is still growing. And I know that that is all He asks of me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! July is almost over, and August is almost here! It's so weird to think that I won't be going back to school as a student! I'm really excited for this next chapter in my life–terrified, yes, but excited.

Xoxo
Mattie

Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Christ can take our pain and make it into a blessing.

This week has been crazy–what with finishing my last finals, starting my job full-time, and technically kind of having an emotional breakdown as one chapter of my life was ending and a new one is beginning. I think that I've felt every emotion under the sun and then some this week.

Learning patience, tolerance, and other emotions like that sucks. I wish that I could just see where God wants me to be. Or what He wants me to do. Or learn. I wish I could trust Him more in different aspects of my life. It's rough, you know? I just want to be with someone who will make me happy who I can make happy, and who I can build a life with...but my life is more than just a path, more than just a journey, more than just a destination...my life is a CHANCE. A chance to be someone better. A chance at happiness. And it starts with me. Even if I already feel like I've been doing everything right, God knows when the TIMING is right.

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Brother Smith talked in sacrament meeting about a few scriptures in the 2nd Epistle of Peter, and there were a few things that he talked about that I wanted to mention. He asked a question: How do we get from faith to charity? And then he answered the question. My favorite thing that he talked about was the definition of virtue. He said that virtue means to do good, and to be good, and I loved that! It gave a new meaning to the scripture "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly". Virtue is goodness and if we let GOODNESS garnish our thoughts, life will be better.

In Relief Society, we talked about the General Conference talk by Tad R. Callister entitled "The Atonement of Jesus Christ" and I loved all of the comments and the direction that the discussion went in.

We talked about forgiveness, and how forgiveness comes from love. We talked about how God's forgiveness and forgiveness from others in our life are not entangled together. You can still be forgiven by God, even if those in our life do not forgive us. I thought that was a beautiful thought. No matter what happens, you can be forgiven by God.

We talked about how people can CHANGE and how we need to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. I think that this is such an important reminder–not only about others, but as ourselves, too. I know that I have struggled with this at times in my life, but I am not the same person as I was. Even if it doesn't seem like I have changed much sometimes, I know deep down that I have changed a lot. I need to let myself stay changed, and we need to let others stay changed.

Our Savior is always with us–and no matter what we go through, He will be there to strengthen us. He will be there to help us deal with the pain, and the struggles, and He will be there to help us learn and grow from it. He will be there to help us find the blessings in our trials.

I have two things to share now. One is a little thought I had during the last little bit of Relief Society.

TRUST. Trust is HARD. Trusting a Being that you can't see is hard, too. 

PATIENCE. Patience is HARD. Patiently waiting for blessings to come is hard, too. 

FAITH. Faith is HARD. Having faith that everything will turn out all right is hard, too. 

Faith is the pathway to happiness. As we trust the Lord, and are patient, those things that we want will come in time. 

The other thing is this: life is easier said than done. But as we take little steps in the direction that we want, God will bless us with the confirmation that it is right, or the knowledge that it is not right. I am still learning to accept this, and to accept that right now, God wants me to choose of the things that I have been pondering, and that any one of them is going to be right. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that I am going to make the wrong decision...but I need to trust that God will take the one I choose and use it to help me grow and change.

Xoxo
Mattie

New understandings.

Can't believe this week IS IT! This is my LAST WEEK OF COLLEGE!

This week, I have been struggling to focus on school. I'm just so ready to be done and I am very anxious for my finals. But I think that everything will be okay in the end.

I did a lot of pondering during church today. It was pretty therapeutic, and I am grateful for some of the thoughts that I had.

My life is my life, and God has a unique plan for me.

There was this quote that I saw on Facebook that I loved:

I had never thought about it in that way before. There are things I need to learn right now...and I need to learn them by myself. As I am waiting, I can learn to have more faith. I can have a stronger character. And I can keep hoping. It's so hard sometimes. It's really hard, actually. Sometimes I'm okay with life...and sometimes I get really sad about it. It's hard to remember that my worth is constant, and solely based on the fact that I am a child of God. It's hard to remember that I am a PERSON first. It's hard to see what kinds of things I might need to learn right now. It's hard to see what kinds of things I have to give to the world. 

It's also sometimes hard to remember I don't need to have anything specific to be happy. I get to CHOOSE whether or not I am happy every day. I need to remember to turn to my Savior and lean on Him. And sometimes it's difficult. My depression and anxiety don't always help. I think that I need to focus on my testimony right now. And my mental health. It is okay for me to feel sad. But I can't let it overwhelm me. I can't let my sadness get to me. I have to be patient. 

It's kinda funny...right as I was writing about having to be patient, the second speaker in sacrament meeting was starting his talk, which was about...PATIENCE. 

While he was talking, I kept thinking about a lot of different things that I need to work on. I think that I need to gain a new understanding of patience and work on it. I also need to figure out what "trusting the Lord" means to me. 

One important thing that I was thinking about was how I need to make time to go to the temple each week. I can't not go. It drives me crazy when I don't go. I receive more peace, understanding, and blessings when I go and I am able to realign my views on life. I know that this will bless me because when I was going every week earlier this year, my life was better. My life is better with the Gospel–it's better with the temple, and it's better with the Lord.

I'm very excited to be done with school this week! I am excited to begin working full-time at the daycare! I love the kiddos so much and am so grateful for all the things that they teach me! 

Happy Sunday! Have a great week! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

Having the faith to be patient.

In Luke 1: 38, Mary said, "Behold the handmaiden of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word." I love this scripture because it shows the amount of faith and love that Mary had for God, and for His plan for her. Even though there was a lot of things that she didn't know about what was going to happen, and even though the situation wasn't entirely ideal for her or Joseph, she still had faith in her Heavenly Father. I can learn from Mary's example of faith and love in and for the Lord and trust that He has an extraordinary plan for me, and that if I ask Him, He will help me know and understand His plan for me. 

In his talk entitled "Faith Is Not by Chance, but by Choice", Elder Andersen said that, "Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek and hold on to it." I love this quote because not only does it say that faith is a gift from heaven, but it says that it is our choice. Much like Mary, who chose to believe in her Father in Heaven's plan for her, I can choose to believe in my Father's plan for me. I can choose to have faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, and I can choose to continue to have faith, despite any uncertainties or questions that may come up in my life. There is much that I do not know and understand about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and there is much that I do not know and understand about life. But I choose to believe in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, and I choose to have faith that everything will work out in the end. I choose to have faith that as long as I am doing my part, and as long as I am trying to love and serve those around me, that everything will be okay.

In her song "The Waiting Place", Calee Reed shares the message that God is always with us. Sometimes, even when we've been faithful, God doesn't always show us what we should do. It feels like He has left us alone. We keep pleading, pleading, pleading for answers, direction, peace, and love. 

"As we beg for peace, and trust in His love,
We may not get the answers we want
But answers come pouring from heaven above
And He whispers, You will know what to do
Just keep listening for direction
The path is yours to choose
Turn your heart where I beckon
Every question will be answered
So don't lose your faith
God is here waiting with you in your waiting place
You are never alone in your waiting place."

The answers will come. The peace will come. They might not be what we are looking for, but they will come. We just need to have faith, and we just need to keep praying, and keep listening. God is there. I promise.

Story time: In the summer of 2017, I was feeling a little lost, and I felt like I needed something more in my life. I was feeling kind of...stagnant in my testimony. So I wanted to start preparing to go through the temple. I didn't entirely feel ready, though. I went through the temple prep classes, and I was reading my scriptures and praying, but I still wasn't feeling ready. So I put it on the back burner, but it was still something I wanted. In the summer of 2018, I went to work at a scout camp up at Bear Lake. I was able to spend a lot of time in nature, connecting with my Savior, and my Father in Heaven. By the end of the summer, I had learned a lot and grown closer to my Savior. I finally felt ready! After discussing things with Bishop, I went to the temple prep classes again. Afterwards, I felt like there was no need for me to wait anymore. And so we set up an appointment for my temple recommend interview for the following month...and it's almost here! On Tuesday, I am meeting with Bishop (and the stake president) for my interview! And on Saturday, January 19th, 2019, I will be going through the temple for the first time!! I cannot wait! I am so excited!! And I am so thankful that I decided to wait till I actually felt ready. Before, it was just something that I wanted and thought I needed, and that's good. That's a good start. But I could feel that I wasn't ready; I needed more time. And somehow...somehow I was able to be patient as I worked with myself in being ready. And I am so thankful that I was able to work on myself, and my testimony more. I know that God has blessed me in the past year and a half since I decided that I wanted to work towards this goal, and I am so grateful for His love and hand in my life!

This experience has been amazing. As I'm looking back, I'm realizing that I was not only patient, but I was ecstatic to be patient! I didn't want to go through if I didn't feel ready. I feel blessed that I was able to understand how special and sacred this experience is going to be, and how I have wanted to be as prepared as I can be. I am grateful that I had the faith to be patient, and wait till I felt ready. I am grateful that I have had such a loving support system, and I am grateful that I have had such a special desire to wait until I was ready to go through. I know that God will bless me for that.

I am grateful that I will have such a busy week at school this week! It will help the week go by faster as I am waiting for Saturday to come! I am looking forward to this semester, and to growing and learning. I am looking forward to graduating in June! I can't believe I am almost done with school! I am looking forward to getting out in the world and to making my mark! I can't wait to see what I do!

Have a great week!

Xoxo
Mattie

Learning life lessons.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed my life in many ways this year, and I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does it because He loves me!

I can't believe the end of the year is here! It's been quite a year! I've learned a lot! I think that one of the main things that I have learned this year–though I still am struggling to understand it at times–is that there is a reason for all things. Things happen for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to. It's hard to remember that, though, and it's hard to have patience sometimes. But I know that when you take a step back, and try not to focus on some of the things that you want, that 1) time will fly by as you're waiting; and 2) sometimes something better will come along and you'll realize that what you wanted was a good thing, but this new thing is better for you.

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is looking back on the year, and being amazed at all the things that have happened this year. I look back at things that happened in March and April, and I go, "Was that really this year?" And it amazes me how time seems to fly by when you least expect it. I could have sworn that I have been taking my medication for a long time, but I just started taking it this year; I could have sworn that the summer went on forEVER, but then it was over; I could have sworn Fall semester just started, but now it's over; and I could have sworn I just turned 21 and had the greatest surprise party of my life, but I'm now a month out from being 22 and I can't believe it!!

I've grown and learned so much this year!! I am so thankful for all of the new friends that I have made, and for all of the love and support that I have received this year. I am grateful for all the adventures that I have had this year! I have learned many, many things about God's plan for me, and about who I am. 

I learned that God is always watching out for me. I learned that, in spite of my mistakes, He still loves me. I learned that, despite the fact that I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time, He never gave up on me. He still believed in me, and He had still forgiven me. I learned that He sends the best people in my life to come at times when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. I learned that I have so many people who love me, and that God wants to make sure that I know that I am not alone, and that I am not unloved. I learned that it's important to have at least a few strong and sweet friendships with people that you can always count on–people besides the Savior. 

I learned this year that I am wonderful. I am funny. I am kind. I am loving. I am gracious. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am hard-working. I am talented. I am creative. I am determined. I learned that I am all of these things but I am NOT my anxiety. I am NOT my depression. I have anxiety, and I have depression. But they do not define me. They are not a part of who I am. They are just mental health illnesses that I have. It has taken me a while to figure that out, but I think I am finally beginning to understand the difference. 

I learned that I struggle with school, which was kind of a surprise, but I learned that I love the learning part of school. I learned that I really love being organized and making lists–it doesn't always happen haha but it makes my life much easier. I learned that my life is my life and that it's not anyone else's, and that I have things to learn and go through that others do not. I learned that I can do a lot more with my life if I set my mind to things. I learned that my worth is not defined by others. I learned that who I am is who I am, and that nobody can take that away from me. I learned that it is okay to say no. I learned that it is okay to ask for help–and it is okay to keep asking for help until you get it. I learned that it is okay to want something at one time, and end up not wanting it later. I learned that it is okay to change your mind. I learned that sometimes I accidentally hurt people, and that I want to do all that I can to take away the hurt, but sometimes I can't do that. I learned that sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and forgive, let go, and move on–even if it hurts. And I learned that other people can feel and do these things too! So I also learned that I am not alone.

These are just a few of the things that I have learned this past year. Wow! I can't believe I have learned so much! What have you learned this past year? What has been the biggest thing that shaped your life this year? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear what you guys learned this year!

I am excited for the New Year, and for all the lessons that I will be able to learn next year. I am excited for all of the adventures that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months as I am finishing up school! And I am excited for all the unexpected adventures that are coming my way in this new year! Life might not always go exactly as I want it to, but somehow whatever happens always works out in the best way! God is great, and I am so thankful for Him! 💜💕

Xoxo

Mattie

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes.

My first week of my senior year of college is done!! It looks like it's going to be a good semester! Busy, yes, but good! I've been feeling a little under the weather the last couple of days, so that hasn't been fun, but I've been able to rest a lot this weekend, so that has helped a lot.

I've learned a lot this week!! In a lot of different aspects, but especially in the spiritual aspect. I've learned that God blesses you when you are trying to do your best. I have been trying to read my scriptures every day this week, and that made it easier to get through this first week of school, especially with me being under the weather. I have also been able to depend on my friends this week. That has been such a blessing. My roommate was able to give me a ride home from the concert I went to on Friday, and I was able to get a ride to and from my friend's reception yesterday from my friends who went to it as well. I was able to have some bonding time with my roommate this weekend, and that was fun. I have some adventures to look forward to this semester, and that makes me really excited! :)

This week has made me excited for the rest of the semester, but also a little nervous! Haha but I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay ahead of the game and that I'll be able to do my best. I am hoping that I won't need to do any homework on Sundays this year since I don't have classes on Fridays, and I can just work on my homework while I'm at work (#blessthecomputerlab), and then I can finish anything I don't get done on Saturdays. I know that God is looking out for me because I just felt like I needed more hours for homework last winter and so I tried to make sure that I would get more hours for homework this semester and it has worked really well so far! I finished all of Monday's homework and half of Tuesday's homework yesterday! So I'm going to try really hard to keep up with homework  this semester. And I'm going to make time for studying my scriptures each day.

I got a blessing earlier this week and in the blessing, I was told that Heavenly Father loves me so much, and as I turn to Him, He will help me with any trials I have. And as I try to be healthy, I will feel better and be healthier. I have seen that a little bit already, and I am excited to see it throughout the rest of the semester.

I'm really, really grateful for the things I've been through this week. They've helped me realize that God is looking out for me. I am so excited to see what this semester (and year!) will bring me!!

Your worth is infinite, and so is God's love for you.

Sometimes it is so difficult to be patient. Sometimes it is so hard to wait for things you want. Sometimes it is so hard to be patient with people. Sometimes it's easier to be patient. But there's always room for improvement. Some days are more difficult than others, and some days are more easier than others. But even on those days, there is room for improvement. And if you remember how patient Christ is with us, and our shortcomings, I think you will be more likely to be more patient with those around you.

Something that someone said in their testimony today really stood out to me: "When someone wants to diminish the truth of something, they attack the character of the deliverer or main person in the event/story." I really loved this. Jospeh Smith faced a lot of criticism and attacks on his character, but he still stood strong. He still held his faith, and his testimony in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I really admire that about him, and I really look up to him for that. He never backed down, even in times of turmoil or struggle. He stayed strong.

I didn't really take notes in church today because we had some of our cousins with us this weekend and I ended up sitting with A at the end of primary, and also in his class.

But! My friend texted me and reminded me of the worldwide devotional for young adults tonight and so I just watched it and I am so thankful that she texted me about it because I absolutely loved it!!

The speakers were Brother and Sister Kearon–Brother Kearon is from the Presidency of the Seventy.

Sister Kearon's talk was probably my favorite. She spoke about the love of our Father in Heaven. My favorite thing that she said was, "Your Father in Heaven loves you. Whoever you are, whatever you are struggling with, you are enough. He loves you just the way you are right here, right now, in all your beautiful messiness. But He also loves you enough not to let you stay the way you are." I loved that. He loves us as we are, but He also loves us enough to help us grow and change, and become a better person; He loves us enough to help us become more like Him.

She also talked about how the infinite and gentle love of God will help invite us to make changes in our lives. She talked about how we need to experience things that require change and growth, and help us to depend on God. We can do it. Jesus Christ–the Firstborn of God the Father–first bore our trials, sorrows, afflictions, etc. He has promised us hope, and healing, and He will be there. We were created for a joyful, abundant existence, she says. "Your worth is infinite, and so is God's love for you." No matter what you do, your worth is still the same in His eyes. He will always love you.

I am not even going to lie, as soon as Sister Kearon started talking about how "Learning to find, feel, and understand our individual worth, regardless of what other people might think or say about is critical to our lifelong emotional and spiritual well-being", I started to feel the Spirit so strongly, and by the time she got to the part where she was talking about how we are of endless worth to Heavenly Father, I was bawling because it was exactly what I have needed to hear.

Brother Kearon's talk was really great, too, and I really enjoyed his focus on ministering. He talked about first asking God for help to know who we can help. He talked about how the heart of our purpose here on earth is learning to look outward and serve one another. He also talked about how this kind of ministry is a way of life.

He talked about three things that we can do:
1. The kind of service we're assigned or invited to perform as a responsibility at church
2. The kind of service that we choose to do of our own volition
3. Public service

This is how the Savior lived, and this is why He lived.

Take the New Year and make yourself into someone better than you've ever been.

Happy New Year's Eve! Can you believe it's the end of the year?! What a crazy year it has been! It's been a really stressful year that has stretched me in ways I couldn't even imagine being stretched in. But it's been a good year for me. I've grown and learned a lot. I've learned a lot about me and things that I want, and things that I need, and I have grown closer to my Savior in so many wonderful and beautiful ways. I am looking forward to continue to grow closer to Him, and to hopefully grow stronger and become more confident in several additional aspects of my life. I am hoping to change a lot of things this year, with the help of my Savior. I am not going to be able to do all the things I am planning to do without Him, so it is a good thing I can turn to Him. I am excited for this New Year and can't wait to see where it takes me!

This year has been really full of a lot of changes, and distressing times, and a lot of decisions that I needed to make, but I realized that:
1) I need to finish school. Whatever happens, I need to get a degree. Last semester was the worst one yet, and I really wanted to quit, but I need to finish. I am literally so close.
2) I am going to be okay by myself.
3) I am who I am, and that is okay. But sometimes I need to take a breather and slow down, and calm down.
4) Sometimes I will not know what I am doing. Sometimes I will not know where I am going. Sometimes I will just not know. And that is completely fine.

Because of the things I've learned this year, I have several ideas for my New Year's Resolutions:
-To be confident and patient/to have confidence and patience (in myself, in friendships, in dating, etc.)
-To be stronger (in my testimony, in my determination to do what's right)
-To be less me (focus more on others)
-To be more studious (in school, in scripture study. I also want to study The Living Christ this year)
-To be more grateful (I want to focus more on what I have)
-To go to the temple more (I want to make a goal to go to the temple for baptisms/confirmations at least once a month, but to go to the temple grounds at least two times a month)

When making New Year's Resolutions, here are some things to keep in mind:
-Start now
-Keep an eternal perspective
-Find what works for YOU
-Accept that you will fail (maybe not all the time, but you will fail)
-Remember that no matter how many times you fail, Heavenly Father is proud of you for trying and will always love you!

Last year, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to focus on my Savior every week. I am not going to lie, I don't think I 100% followed that resolution. But I think it was because I was looking at it the wrong way. I think that because of what I've learned in the last year, and the resolutions I have this year, that I will be able to focus more on my Savior this year.
I think what I should have done last year was what I did this year: make more mini-goals to add up to my big goal(s). Another thing that I should have done was keep a special journal to track my progress in my goals. I also just saw an idea that I loved that I want to adapt and try: the idea was to, at the end of the week, write something good that happened that week and put it in a mason jar. I want to try and write at the end of the day something good that happened that day. And if I can't think of something, I'll write something about the day that I'm grateful for. I think that this will help me be more positive, and be able to focus on things, and ground myself when I'm having tough or dark days. If I can just find one bright thing about my day, even when it's been horrible, I know that I will be able to get through it.

It's been a good year! Long, and full of many adventures, misadventures, and learning, but it was a good year. I hope that I can take this New Year and make not only it and my life into something good, but I hope that I can take it and make me into someone better than I've ever been before. I hope that you can work on your resolutions throughout the whole year. Don't be discouraged if you fail a time or two--if you never fail, you never succeed.

Xoxo
Mattie

I am learning.

First things first: I had the opportunity to go to the BYU Spectacular with some friends last night and it was AMAZING!!! Kristin Chenoweth is fantastic, and Gentri and Vocal Point were awesome! So thankful that I had the opportunity to see it with them, and I'm glad they had fun!!

Second: I missed posting last week because it was General Conference and I had a lot of stuff going on. But! I have a lot of things that I learned in this past week, and am still learning, that I wanted to share:

I am learning that I can do hard things.

I am learning that I am more capable than I realize.

I am learning that I am not alone.

I am learning that I am strong.

I am learning that I can be happy, even when I'm going through tough things.

I am learning that God loves me so much, He's saving me from a lot of pain.

I am learning that I am loved.

I am learning that patience is a virtue.

I am learning that emotions are sometimes REALLY HARD to deal with!

I am learning that I have the roommates that I need in my life right now.

I am learning that I can't always fix things.

I am learning that stress doesn't fix anything.

I am learning that you can't always see the other side.

I am learning that you can't let the past define you.

I am learning that you can't let the past get ahead of you and keep you from your future.

I am learning that God's plan for me isn't the same as mine, and that our timelines probably aren't even close to being similar, but I'm also learning that that's okay.

I am learning that peace comes from the Book of Mormon, especially when I'm stressed.

I am learning that life is hard, but I am so tough, and I have God on my side.

Some of these things I've already previously learned, but had forgotten. Some of them are new.  Either way, they're all still worth knowing and learning. It's been a crazy week, and I've had a lot going on, and I've been through a lot. I've had a lot of talks with my roommates, and I've learned way too many things about myself in one week than is probably healthy haha but it has been helpful. My roommate gave me a few goals to work on in the next couple of weeks, and I think that they will help me in one aspect specifically, but I've learned that generally they all blend together, so it will probably help me in more than one.

I am grateful for my roommates. They show so much strength in times of hardship and sorrow. I'm so grateful that they are all kind, loving, and have such wonderful testimonies. I am learning lots from them every single day, and I am so grateful for that.

Xoxo
Mattie

Life is messy.

Today was our multi-stake conference, and I'm really grateful for the things that I heard today. I definitely needed to hear a lot of the messages today! I'm going to share a few of my favorites. :)

Even though we missed the beginning of Elder Cook's talk, I loved what he said about the Book of Mormon. He said, "There is power in the Book of Mormon." I fully believe it. I am reading the Book of Mormon for my religion class, and it's been a source of peace and comfort, and has given me strength as I've read it.

Sister Franco talked about being of good cheer.
1. Understand that we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who loves us.
2. Understand that we have a Heavenly Father who gave us commandments to help us be happy.
3. Understand the importance of gratitude in our lives.
4. Understand that service brings joy to our lives.

Elder Uceda said that, "Mighty prayers overcome apathy." He said that mighty prayers are prayers from the heart. My favorite thing he said was, "As we search the scriptures, understanding comes to our mind, and doubts go away."

Elder Stevenson talked about humility, obedience, and virtue.
Humility:
Humility is willingness to submit to the Lord. The opposite of humility is pride, which gives honor to ourselves, it's competitive, and causes us to hold grudges or withhold forgiveness. He said that meekness, humility, and forgiveness are all cousins. I thought that was a great way of showing how closely related they are.

Obedience:
Obedience is the first law of heaven, and an act of faith. It's a safety and protection for us. It brings blessings, and those blessings bring happiness.

Virtue:
Virtue originates in our innermost thoughts. It is a prerequisite to receiving the Spirit's guidance. He said that reduced screen time and increased scripture study may increase virtue. I thought that was really interesting! But also true, I'm sure. I know I'm more focused and attentive when I'm spending a lot more time out doing things (though that's hard to do during the school year, especially when all of your math homework is online).

Diligent efforts can lead to Christlike attributes becoming or being second nature. Our journey to achieve Christlike attributes requires discipline.

He also shared this quote from Howard W. Hunter: "Mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again." 

I loved this quote so much! I think sometimes we often forget the beauty and grace that is around us. We forget how awesome it is to lift someone's spirits. We forget how beautiful the earth around us is. We forget who loves us. We forget how blessed we truly are, and we forget that those blessings will always come.

This week was the first week of school for me, and I honestly struggled a bit. The first day was fine, but after the second day, when I was looking to the homework I needed to do, I got overwhelmed at all of the homework I was going to have over the whole semester for all of my classes and I kind of had a panic attack. Friday was a little bit better, but Saturday was a giant mess, because I worked from 8-4 and then the football game was Saturday night and it was a struggle getting into the game. But my friends and I made it, and it was fun watching the game with them.

I realized some things about myself this week, and this weekend, and I really need to work on a couple of things. I'm kind of nervous, just because I hate adding to my pile of things to do, but I'm hoping that I can just work them into my life and not specifically have to worry about them or deal with it. It'll just kind of...be a part of my life, and exist. Except life is messy, so that might not happen.  But! I have God on my side, and He knows where I am going, and what I need to do to get there. So, even though things might not happen the way I plan or want them to, things will happen, and I will grow, and change, and become who I need to be.

I hope you have had a great Sunday and weekend! I hope you've learned some things, and made some goals to improve. There's always room for improvement. I am grateful for my Savior, who is always willing to help me improve and progress. I'm grateful for friends, and family, who are always willing to listen, and always willing to help. I'm grateful for new experiences, difficult times, and trials that help me stretch and grow, and get out of my comfort zone. I've never really said this before, but I'm grateful for emotions, and feelings, and the fact that I get to feel so deeply. Sometimes it's hard, and painful, and messy, and I just want to not feel so intensely, but the painful times are worth all the happy and joyous ones that I experience so often. God is good, and I am blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

Putting aside your needs and wants for the needs and wants of others.

I love my ward! I am so thankful for the beautiful souls that I get to see all the time. They've blessed my life and I learn so much from them. <3 <3

Today during the sacrament, I was thinking about patience, and this thought came to my mind:

Sometimes being patient and letting God take the reins is hard. When you want something to go one way, and it doesn't happen that way, or it happens down the road, can be frustrating. But honestly, God knows what's best. He knows what you need and when you need it. Trust Him. He loves you and wants what's best for you. Take your time and just know that it will all work out.

Here's some of my favorite things that were said in sacrament meeting:
Even when we're going through hard things, Christ is there. He is cheering us on. You can do hard things.
"Secure your own mask before you attempt to help others." You can't help someone if you can't breathe on your own. That won't help them or you. Be secure in your own testimony before you start to help someone else.
Forgiveness helps us.

In Gospel Doctrine, we talked about 3 Nephi 17-19:
We talked about how the Nephites might not have understood all that Christ said but they understood enough to know that what He was saying was important enough and they wanted Him to stay with them.
Even though He was probably exhausted, He stayed to heal their sick and afflicted, and He made time for the little children.
Christ put aside His own needs and wants for the needs and wants of the Nephite people. "If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat them as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming." ~~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Christ is the epitome of charity, which is why charity is called the "Pure Love of Christ".

Relief Society was great! We talked about charity. So it was kind of a continuation of Gospel Doctrine. :)

I loved this quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton that was shared: "Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself...Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other." 

I loved this. Charity is so much more than we often remember it is.  

The Savior taught us to love everyone, including those who may be difficult to love. "Excuses [not to do so] are easy to find; they spring up as readily and plentifully as weeds by the wayside." ~Elder James E. Talmage

I love talking about charity because I've had so many examples of charity and Christlike love in my life and it's something that I try to always do/be. Charity isn't something that I usually have trouble doing but sometimes I have trouble remembering all the things that encompass charity and so it's always a nice lesson to have because it helps me remember all the times I've had/done charity but also all the ways that I could be better at it. Charity is something that often is something we have to choose to do at first, but if you do it long enough it just becomes a part of you.

This week is Thanksgiving and I'm excited to be going home! I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have to spend time with my family and I'm grateful for the holiday season that is upon us. It's a time to remember to be thankful, and a time to spread love, and a time to be and do so much to help those in need. At this moment in my life, it (life) is changing, slowly and surely, and oftentimes it's so crazy and I have a lot going on, but I always try to make time for my friends when they need me. And then things [in my life] go better than I thought they would. I know that putting aside my to-do list when a friend or family member needs me is not only what I need to do but what I want to do. I want to be there. I want them to know that I love them and they are more important to me than my to-do list. Because they are.  I would choose them over my to-do list. And I would do anything to show them that I love them, and that God loves them, and that they are loved and needed here on earth.

I hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving! Travel safely and enjoy your time with your family! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

Trust Him.

This morning before church I was thinking a lot about life in general, just because it's been on my mind the past couple of weeks (*cough* months, really *cough*). I'm kind of an impatient person sometimes. I'm working on it, and usually I'm not so impatient, but there are a couple of things that I really want in life that I have to wait awhile for, and it's been difficult trying not to think about it so much.

Anyway, I was looking on LDS.org, and I found a talk by Elder Robert D. Hales from October 2011 entitled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done". He says, "As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of life is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences... What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end. To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it 'with great diligence, and... patience.'"

It's a really great talk, and I definitely recommend it. It applies to a lot of different things! It applies to such things as physical sufferings, trials, answers to prayers, etc. So it means a different thing to me than it will mean to you, and it means a different thing to us now than it will in a couple of years. Because you won't be going through the thing that you are currently going through in a couple of years, different things will stick out to you in the future than what will stick out to you today.

I am so grateful for the prophets and their messages. Though the things I want didn't really go away, reading that talk helped me a lot. I just have to be patient.

Speaking of being patient, I found another article, this time from the August 2015 Ensign. The link can be found here. It has a really great message, and it was definitely something that I needed to hear. She said something that I really loved. It was, "It’s discouraging when plans fall through or don’t pan out as expected. To our mortal minds, divine timing can be hard to understand. But what I can understand is that God is a loving Father who has a plan that guarantees eventual happiness if we are faithful, and I am learning to accept His timing with confidence—not with anxiousness."

If you know me, you know that I often get anxious and I worry about things a lot. So that part of her article was really helpful to me. I will be blessed if I am faithful, and He will bless me in His own time. I just need to accept that. His timing is perfect, and I just am not ready for those things that I want right now. I don't know when I will be ready, but I hope that I will be ready soon enough. But right now I just need to not worry about it. I need to not be anxious about it. It will happen when it happens. I need to trust Him and just. let. go.

A thought came to my mind during sacrament meeting today: Christ suffered for you. Do you really think that He will leave you to suffer in silence/by yourself? He won't let you suffer alone. He suffered alone so you don't have to.

I found this picture this morning on Facebook and thought it went perfectly with what I was thinking about this morning. Trust Him. Trust your Heavenly Father. Trust your Savior. His timing is perfect, and He knows what He is doing. He loves you. So trust Him.

Provo City Center Temple Dedication

So, today was the Provo City Center Temple Dedication!! It's such a beautiful temple, and I'm so excited that it is now dedicated! I hope to be able to do baptisms for the dead in it sometime soon!

I was able to watch the final dedicatory session in the Marriott Center with my friends. It was so special! I could really feel the spirit and I heard several things that I needed to hear. I'm going to share some of my favorite things that were said (some of them...actually, most of them are paraphrased).

-We are empowered when we come to the temple.
-The Savior will never give up on us.
-This temple is a reminder of the Atonement of Christ.
-There is always hope.
-Even when we fall, though the Atonement, the hands of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are extended towards us still.
-No matter the problem or difficulty we face, as we press forward, beautiful things will come through.
-We are His masterpieces. 
-He is so very patient with us.
-We do not overcome our weaknesses at once. Sometimes it takes years. 
-Faith and patience are keys to becoming and overcoming.
-From ashes to beauty.
-Every member is precious.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the dedication!! I was reminded that overcoming weaknesses takes time, and I have to have faith in the Lord (and in myself), and I have to be patient. That is sometimes a struggle for me, but I am working on it. I was also reminded that my Savior won't ever give up on me. Even if I give up on myself, He won't give up on me. I am so grateful for this new temple, and for the wonderful symbolism in its story–from ashes to beauty. This is so true for some of the trials that we have to go through. I know that it is definitely true for my biggest trial, and I am still being reworked into the person that God needs me to be. But I know that He knows what He is doing, and so I am putting my trust in Him.

Oh! I almost forgot that I wrote down some of my thoughts as we were waiting for the dedication to start:
"We're waiting for the dedication to start. I'm so excited!! Friday and Saturday were kinda rough days, for multiple reasons, but sitting here, in the Marriott Center, which is an extension of the temple [right now], and listening to the prelude music, I am feeling love, peace, and gratitude. I feel better than I have all weekend. I don't feel rushed or worried. Just peace and love."

It was so special. I'm so glad I got to go. <3

A New Year means a new Me.

Hi! I had a busy day today. I was watching my friend's little boy (he's SO adorable! ❤️) for several hours. He's sooo cute and I just LOVE watching him play and have fun!! :) [Side note that I could probably leave out and is on my "Mattie Don't Do That" list but I'm Me so I won't leave it out and I will do it: If I could somehow split myself into multiple Mattie's, thus enabling me to watch him whenever she needs (as well as allowing me do what I need to do) I totally would]
I can't wait till the day when I get to watch my own little babies play and have fun, but for now, I will have to live with watching other people's–which is fine by me. More exposure to lots of kids who are just so cute! :)

It's almost a new year! New year, new me, new experiences, and new goals. It's all so exciting!! Buuuuuuut also terrifying. I'm not going to lie–I'm kind of terrified. I have a different work schedule this upcoming semester–the lunch shift Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. SO my afternoons/evenings are cleared up because my last classes on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays end at 3! So I'm super grateful for that. But this job pays less than my custodial job that I had the first half of the semester. And I have slightly fewer hours, as well. So it's a giant cut in my pay and I'm a little worried about that. Also, I'm not sure if I'll be doing spring semester or not–I still have to talk to my parents about that.

ANYWAY, this new year brings on New Year's Resolutions! The fun to-do/work on list that practically everyone quits following after a month or two. ;) I'm going to try really, really, really hard this year, though. My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1. To have consistent and meaningful scripture study and prayer. I am really bad at this–I will either get one or the other. This year I want to try and get both. It will be easier this year, I think, for this semester I am not working early in the morning or till 10 at night. But we will see. 
2. To be patient–with myself and others. I usually am more patient with others than I am with myself, but sometimes I get a little frustrated with others (though I try not to let it show because it's not their fault, and they're not doing anything wrong, it's just me being me). So I'm going to try and be better about that this year. Especially with myself, too. I am still, uh, healing, I guess, from something that impacted me greatly a couple of years ago and I just need to be patient with myself and work on it one day at a time.
3. To have kind words, thoughts, and actions. This one has become a bigger part of my life in more recent years as I've grown up. I am trying so hard to be a good person but it's getting a little bit harder as I am becoming more exposed to the world. 
4. To keep up/be ahead with my homework. This will be a little difficult, but hopefully less difficult, since my work schedule is on my days off, and my evenings are going to be cleared up. 
5. To manage my time well. I am bad at this. I either guess how much time something will take me to do wrong, or I put it off more than I should have, or both, or something else equally as bad. Anyway, I am going to try to be better about this.
6. To not be afraid to do something fun and/or spontaneous. This one I have trouble with sometimes. I worry about how much time it will take, or if I should have done that (that being any number of things from "Should I have sent that text?" to "Oh my gosh, I should not have waited so long to do this *fun thing* or *this thing I have to do sometime*"). Anyway, I worry about the time, or if I should have done that, or whatever, when I should just relish and bask in the fun-ness and the spontaneity of whatever I am/will be doing. 
7. To be more friendly. Sometimes I'm super friendly, but sometimes I get really shy or intimidated because that's just who I am. I have been getting a lot better (especially since I started college) but I have also been thinking and worrying a lot more (also especially since I started college) which needs to stop! So, cue number 8.
8. To not think or worry so much. This one is going to be the most difficult, I think, because it is just in my nature. I can't help it. I overthink everything and I stress about a lot of things that I don't/can't always control. Sometimes it's good, but a lot of the time it just makes me more stressed and worried. So I am going to try to keep it down. I'm never going to stop thinking or worrying, but I can definitely try to do it less often/intensely.
9. To a) be more Christlike; and b) turn to my Savior more often. As in daily. I need to remember that He is there for me whenever I need Him and that He will help me through anything and everything that I need to do. He will always be there for me, and I do not have to do anything alone.

As you can see, I have quite a list, which is a little intimidating, but also exciting! Usually I only have one or two things. This year, I have NINE! (Ten if you count 9 as two things, but eh) That's a little scary but I know that I can do it! As I focus on turning to my Savior, and being more like Him, I know that everything else will fall into place. I'm super excited for this new year–it's going to be way different, but also kind of the same. Here's to a new year, new goals, new experiences, new classes, new friends, new relationships, and a new me. :)

P.S. This is entirely irrelevant but I still haven't been on a(n official) date yet since I started college, and you know what? I've decided that I am completely okay with that and I'm not going to worry about it. It'll happen when it'll happen. And besides, I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am–which is kind of being troublesome. Throw dating into that mix and I will be a completely chaotic and insanely mad mess. ;)