Healing my wounded soul.

Nothing heals a wounded soul more than nature and music.

Today on my lunch break, I realized that I was feeling very depressed and down. I did not know why, nor do I know now. Sometimes I just get very sad, and I have to figure out how to move past it.

We are no longer allowed to eat in the break room (thanks to COVID-19 🙄) so I've been grabbing my picnic blanket out of my car and eating on the grass under this beautiful green tree for the past week.

The time I go for lunch, the sun is usually just peeking out of those branches, and sometimes gets in my eyes. But I love it. I love to look at the blue sky, contrasting the green leaves of the tree.

Today, because I was feeling sad, I read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk Like a Broken Vessel. It was a reminder to me that it's okay to need to take time to rest and recoup. After that, I put on some of my "Sunday/Spiritual" music to listen to while I was eating lunch/laying on the blanket in the grass.

It didn't stop me from being sad right away–or even completely–but knowing that God hears me, and sees me, and knows how I'm feeling was a blessing. I was still a bit sad the rest of the day at work, but I did feel better after listening to my music, and after breathing in some fresh air and just taking a little time to relax.

Though my mind and soul might be bruised and sore, God is taking care of my wounds and I will feel better soon, I know it. It just takes time. Not our time, but His time.

I am not going to lie, when I realized that I was feeling depressed, my very first thought was that I just wanted to cry. Which is okay! It's okay to cry! And I did want to. And I almost did, but I then I had the thought that I should read to Elder Holland's talk, and it was exactly what I needed. And then I listened to my music because I just needed the Spirit that my Sunday music brings, and it was so beautiful. It was quiet, peaceful, and almost like my own personal Sacred Grove.

I am so very grateful for my husband, who is so compassionate and wonderful and loving towards me not just always, but especially when I am at my lowest points. I so appreciate his love, attitude, and the sacrifices that he makes for me to ensure that I feel comforted and loved! 

I hope everyone has a great Father's Day weekend! I am so sorry I haven't been posting as often. I am working on a blog post that is taking time because I want to get it right. In the meantime, I had this thought today and wanted to share.

I love you all! Married life is wonderful and I'll fill you all in on that later!

God is great, you are loved, let's be kind!!

Xoxo

Mattie Ruth Radke VELASQUEZ

Consistent and resilient trust in the Lord.

There is nothing like the holidays or the end of the year that have you thinking about where you are in life and where you want to be. 💜

I was pondering during the sacrament today about the sacrament prayers. I made a list of the promises and covenants that I made at baptism, and that God made, and there's not as many as I thought there were! I promised to:

1. Be willing to take the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, upon me.
2. Always remember Him.
3. Keep His commandments.

And if I do these, then God promises that:

1. I can always have the Spirit to be with me.

This is such a great promise. I love that as I do those three things, I have the ability to have the Spirit with me–always.

Today was my ward's fast and testimony meeting (since last week was our Stake Conference), and someone said something today that really rang true with me. They said that, just like type 2 diabetes (in which your body still produces insulin but is unable to use it effectively), sometimes when we don't receive or hear guidance from the Spirit, it's a receptor problem. The Spirit is still speaking to us, we are just unable to hear it. 

This really made me think, because I've been struggling within the last couple of years to consistently hear and feel the Spirit, and I always thought something was wrong with me. I've been doing everything right. I've gone to the temple, I've prayed, I've studied my scriptures, I've gone to church...everything you can do, I did. But a friend reminded me that I have depression and anxiety, and this can make it difficult for me to hear or feel the Spirit. This comment that was made in sacrament meeting reminded me of this, and reminded me that sometimes I don't have any control over it, but that there are things that I can do to help increase my reception of the Spirit.

In Relief Society, we talked about the talk "Consistent and Resilient Trust" by Elder L. Todd Budge from the October 2019 conference. We talked about how we can still be happy and find happiness, even when there is sorrow and life is rough. We also talked about how our sorrow and pain can change to joy/gladness because of our Savior. 

"Afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy IF we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us." Sorrow can help lead to growth, learning, and happiness if we trust in the Lord's plan for us. 

We can still have consistent trust in the Lord, no matter the circumstances. And we can still have moments of happiness, even when we are in times of sorrow. Because happiness is PEACE and JOY that comes from surrendering ourselves to God and putting our trust in Him in all things. So as we trust Him, we can be happy and have happiness. :)

I hope everyone has a great week! I have an orchestra concert tomorrow that I am super excited for! And it's just going to be a great week overall! I'm going to make it so that it is a phenomenal week! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Becoming okay with being me.

The best part of this week was when my kiddos at work hugged me goodbye as I was walking out the door on Thursday. 🥰🥰🥰 They'd never done that before and it made me feel really special, and like I've been making progress with getting them to feel comfortable with me. 💜

The next best part of this week was when I was talking with a friend and had the realization of how precious time is, and how much of a gift it is. 💜

The next best part of this week was when I had the opportunity to go to the temple and one of the temple workers said I looked like a little porcelain doll and thanked me for my service that day. She was such a sweet woman who made me feel like I was loved and seen, and I know she was a blessing from my Heavenly Father. 💜

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Life isn't easy. Sometimes life is very hard. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward even when I feel very stuck. It's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, and every day presents new challenges. But as I keep my covenants, and turn to the Lord, I know that in time, things will work out.

In time, things will make sense. In time, I won't feel so stuck. "In time" has been one of my least favorite sayings recently, but I have recently realized that it can be a blessing. Now, I say this, and know it, but during the week, when things pop up, it becomes harder for me to remember. This happens a lot, actually, with lots of different things, and I can't figure out why, nor how I can help myself fix it. I've tried everything that I can think of, and still nothing has worked yet.

I think that what I have planned for my personal scripture study this week will help, but if not...I will keep going. I'll try again. Because something is bound to work. God doesn't want me to be sad, or feel stuck, and neither do I. So I will just try again.

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You know, I spent some time at one of my old YSA wards today, and as I was sitting outside, looking at the pool, I had a flashback to a little more than two years ago, when I was really struggling to find my purpose and feel needed. There were more times than I can count where I wondered what it would be like if I just sank to the bottom of the pool. It scared me to have those thoughts, but it just didn't seem like I was making a difference, that I was important, or that I was needed.

{Now, I recognize that those feelings weren't normal, and that I was experiencing depression. But at the time, it didn't occur to me that those feelings weren't normal. I thought I was just sad, and it was a weird sad. Technically, I was right, in a way. Depression is a weird sad.}

As I stared at the pool, I realized that I've come a long way. I'm no longer the scared 20-year-old sophomore/junior at BYU who felt like she didn't fit into the world. Now I'm the scared 22-year-old college graduate who feels like she still doesn't fit into the world. 😉

In all seriousness, I am still scared, and sometimes I feel like I don't fit into the world, but I'm becoming okay with that. I've realized that I don't need to fit into the world. I need to stand out from the world. And I think I do a pretty decent job at that most of the time. So I just need to remind myself that sometimes I don't fit in, and that's okay. There are some things that I don't understand about myself. And I don't know if I'll come to understand them in the near future. But in the meantime, I'm trying to. And that's all I can do.

I thank God every day that I'm finally at a place where I feel more comfortable to be myself. I don't always feel comfortable to completely be myself, but most of the time, I feel comfortable to be most of myself. And for that, I'm grateful. Because there was a time where I hated myself, and I couldn't be myself because I thought that I was annoying, and obnoxious, and too much. Sometimes I still feel like that, I'm not going to lie, but I've realized that I don't need to let other people's opinions of me define who I am. I am perfectly fine the way I am, and God loves me for who I am. 🥰💜

I hope that this week is a good one for you! Find something new each day to be intrigued by, and find someone new to bless. I know that God lives, and that He loves you. I know that He has a wonderful plan for you! I know you will do amazing things. 

Xoxo
Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

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I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

In my brokenness, I am His.

It's been a pretty odd week. No, wait, that's not what I meant. I meant "off". It's been a pretty off week. Well, I guess technically it's been both. Let me explain. (But first let me say that this is a vulnerable post that might seem scary to you, but really, I'm okay. :) )

Sometimes life seems like it's going pretty well but you just can't. feel. anything. Or you just feel so. dang. empty. And you can't really understand why. Everything seems to be fine. Classes are going well. Work is going well. But you just can't find the energy to do anything, or you just don't want to be productive.

Or you're sitting in a room full of people and you're not really part of any one conversation because you don't really have any desire to be, and you just pipe in to everyone else's conversations randomly when you hear something that interests you, but nobody seems to notice.

Or you just sit there, not saying anything, listening to everyone talk, and you're just there, and nobody seems to notice.

Or you're in the back room for awhile and when you come back out, you hear, "Oh, you're still here! I thought you'd left." And you know that you should be amused, or hurt, but you just feel empty. And yet, somehow you're all of the above.

This–all of what I have just explained–is my depression. But this is just a part of it. Some weeks it hits me really, really hard. Some weeks, my depression and anxiety are both extremely prevalent, and it's a really bad week. Sometimes, the week is fairly okay, but there is just one day that my depression hits, and I just can't do anything. I can't feel anything. I just exist. The scary part is that sometimes, I don't want to exist. I often wonder what life would be like if I hadn't existed. If I just *poof* vanished from the world, and from everyone's minds and lives.

In these moments–in all of the moments like this–it's hard to rise above it. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of water, and I've been struggling for so long–my arms and legs are so exhausted, and I just don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to relax, but I'm still in the pool. When I'm not struggling to stay afloat, I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Nobody's around to see me drown. It feels like nobody cares. And I go back to wondering what life would be like if I didn't exist anymore...

But suddenly there's this shadow above me in the water. There's a hand reaching down to me, down through the water. I grab the hand greedily, as if I'm thirsty and this hand is a glass of water, and steadily I'm pulled upward. I gasp as I break the surface and take deep breaths. I'm pulled over the edge of the water to the ground, and I look to my rescuer. And I start to cry because I know that face. He's kneeling down next to me, wiping away my tears, and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". For my rescuer is my Savior. I keep repeating, "I'm sorry" while I'm crying, and He just holds me. I don't know why He picks particular moments to lift me up, but I do know that He is always close by, and that He will never let me drown.

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In moments of vulnerability, and brokenness, it's hard to see how anyone could love me, or want to save me. I don't often feel like I'm worth it. I'm just a regular, average girl. But in my moments of vulnerability and brokenness I forget the most important thing: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. He loves me so much. I love this video because it shows that we are ALL children of God.

There is beauty in my vulnerability and brokenness. When I am broken and vulnerable enough to turn to God, I am allowing Him into the deepest parts of me, and I am letting Him see all of me, and I am letting Him in so that He can heal me.

"I am a broken soul, this is true.
But in my brokenness, I am freed.
In my brokenness, I am healed.
In my brokenness, I am found.
In my brokenness, I am His."
~In My Brokenness, by Mattie Radke

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I hope you all have a very wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! I'm grateful for the holiday seasons that are approaching! It's a wonderful time to remember to look outwards, and to help those in need.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life. My ward is AMAZING, and I am so thankful for all of the kindness that I have felt in the ward, and all of the love.

I am grateful for the ward that I was in the last two years. I grew so much there, and I really felt the love of my Father in Heaven there. I really felt like I had a place, like I belonged.

I am so grateful for all of the women in my life who have shown me how to love, and serve, and how to rise above the challenges that I will inevitably face.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family, and that I know I can always count on them.

I am grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven, and for His support. I am grateful that He sent His Son to save us. I am grateful that my Savior is always there for me, and that He is always waiting to lend a hand when I need it.

Xoxo
Mattie

I do not know everything, but I know enough.

It has been a little bit of a crazy week but I'm glad it's over!! I have hope this next week will go a little more smoothly!

Today I was thinking during the sacrament about how grateful I am for my Savior!! I am so grateful that He patiently waits for me to be ready. Forgiving yourself can be really, really hard, but once you have, your life becomes so peaceful and happy! I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in my life,  but I hope to never again experience that long period of time where I felt so uncomfortable with who I was. I believe that my inability to forgive myself has been one of the main reasons I have been unable to fully hear my Father in Heaven. But now that I have come to forgive myself, and am taking medication for my anxiety and depression, and am trying to study my scriptures every day, I believe my ability to hear Him is no longer clouded by noise. And though I do not know what the future holds for me, I am so, so blessed to be able to say, "I am just trying to take things one step at a time." There are times where my anxiety/depression takes over, but I am more capable now to shut it down as quickly as I can. God has really blessed me in the last year, and I am full of gratitude for His love, assistance, and guidance. He has blessed me immensely in the last couple of months, too, and I am so, so grateful for that. His love and the peace that I have felt in my life recently is a blessing in my life.

Today was our ward conference, and one thing that I loved that was talked about was the fact that sometimes we might have our own '4-9' season, but we can make the changes we need (with the help of our Father in Heaven) to have a perfect–or close to perfect–season. 

There have been a lot of changes in the church recently, and one of the Stake Presidency said that it is because the leaders are trying to help us become a more righteous people. They are trying to help us minister as the Savior did and does. 

Alex talked in our Relief Society meeting today about anxiety and depression. She said that perfection is our ultimate goal, but we need to be realistic. It's not going to happen in this life. So we need to be kind to ourselves. And most of all, we need to never lose faith in Heavenly Father. We are vessels in the hands of a divine potter. He is molding and sculpting us to be the best person that we can be. She also said that broken minds and hearts can be healed just like broken bodies. I love that and KNOW it to be true!! 💜💜

Sister Card said that when we are in the darkness, we are more likely to lose hope. Darkness does not mean there is not light, though. Often it means that we are in the wrong place to receive the light. We can choose to walk in Christ's life. With His light comes HOPE and HEALING. 💜

We do not need to be perfect. But we do need to be good at getting better. 💜

The light of the Gospel of Christ will cut through the darkness, confusion, and discouragement. 💜

Learn to love you, right where you are. 💜💜💜

Be grateful for the small victories. 💜

Sometimes it takes time to forgive yourself. He's already forgiven you; He is just waiting for you to catch up. 💜💜💜

Revelation from God brings (and is) PEACE. 💜

I do not know everything, but I know enough. I know that my Savior loves me. I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and I know that He wants me to return to live with Him someday. I know that, as I minister to those around me, and as I love and serve my friends and family, that I will be blessing those around me, and that I will be blessed for blessing them. I know that I am a daughter of God, and I know that I am loved by the most Divine Being. I know that He is always there for me, and I know that He has blessed me with so many beautiful friendships that can help me and others to know that we are never alone. I know that nothing is impossible with God if it is His will, and I know that together, He and I can do marvelous things. 💜

I hope you have a lovely week! And I hope you have a peaceful Sabbath day. 💜

Xoxo
Mattie