Consistent and resilient trust in the Lord.

There is nothing like the holidays or the end of the year that have you thinking about where you are in life and where you want to be. 💜

I was pondering during the sacrament today about the sacrament prayers. I made a list of the promises and covenants that I made at baptism, and that God made, and there's not as many as I thought there were! I promised to:

1. Be willing to take the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, upon me.
2. Always remember Him.
3. Keep His commandments.

And if I do these, then God promises that:

1. I can always have the Spirit to be with me.

This is such a great promise. I love that as I do those three things, I have the ability to have the Spirit with me–always.

Today was my ward's fast and testimony meeting (since last week was our Stake Conference), and someone said something today that really rang true with me. They said that, just like type 2 diabetes (in which your body still produces insulin but is unable to use it effectively), sometimes when we don't receive or hear guidance from the Spirit, it's a receptor problem. The Spirit is still speaking to us, we are just unable to hear it. 

This really made me think, because I've been struggling within the last couple of years to consistently hear and feel the Spirit, and I always thought something was wrong with me. I've been doing everything right. I've gone to the temple, I've prayed, I've studied my scriptures, I've gone to church...everything you can do, I did. But a friend reminded me that I have depression and anxiety, and this can make it difficult for me to hear or feel the Spirit. This comment that was made in sacrament meeting reminded me of this, and reminded me that sometimes I don't have any control over it, but that there are things that I can do to help increase my reception of the Spirit.

In Relief Society, we talked about the talk "Consistent and Resilient Trust" by Elder L. Todd Budge from the October 2019 conference. We talked about how we can still be happy and find happiness, even when there is sorrow and life is rough. We also talked about how our sorrow and pain can change to joy/gladness because of our Savior. 

"Afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy IF we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us." Sorrow can help lead to growth, learning, and happiness if we trust in the Lord's plan for us. 

We can still have consistent trust in the Lord, no matter the circumstances. And we can still have moments of happiness, even when we are in times of sorrow. Because happiness is PEACE and JOY that comes from surrendering ourselves to God and putting our trust in Him in all things. So as we trust Him, we can be happy and have happiness. :)

I hope everyone has a great week! I have an orchestra concert tomorrow that I am super excited for! And it's just going to be a great week overall! I'm going to make it so that it is a phenomenal week! 

Xoxo

Mattie

"Live by faith, not by fear."

"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

I do not know everything, but I know enough.

It has been a little bit of a crazy week but I'm glad it's over!! I have hope this next week will go a little more smoothly!

Today I was thinking during the sacrament about how grateful I am for my Savior!! I am so grateful that He patiently waits for me to be ready. Forgiving yourself can be really, really hard, but once you have, your life becomes so peaceful and happy! I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in my life,  but I hope to never again experience that long period of time where I felt so uncomfortable with who I was. I believe that my inability to forgive myself has been one of the main reasons I have been unable to fully hear my Father in Heaven. But now that I have come to forgive myself, and am taking medication for my anxiety and depression, and am trying to study my scriptures every day, I believe my ability to hear Him is no longer clouded by noise. And though I do not know what the future holds for me, I am so, so blessed to be able to say, "I am just trying to take things one step at a time." There are times where my anxiety/depression takes over, but I am more capable now to shut it down as quickly as I can. God has really blessed me in the last year, and I am full of gratitude for His love, assistance, and guidance. He has blessed me immensely in the last couple of months, too, and I am so, so grateful for that. His love and the peace that I have felt in my life recently is a blessing in my life.

Today was our ward conference, and one thing that I loved that was talked about was the fact that sometimes we might have our own '4-9' season, but we can make the changes we need (with the help of our Father in Heaven) to have a perfect–or close to perfect–season. 

There have been a lot of changes in the church recently, and one of the Stake Presidency said that it is because the leaders are trying to help us become a more righteous people. They are trying to help us minister as the Savior did and does. 

Alex talked in our Relief Society meeting today about anxiety and depression. She said that perfection is our ultimate goal, but we need to be realistic. It's not going to happen in this life. So we need to be kind to ourselves. And most of all, we need to never lose faith in Heavenly Father. We are vessels in the hands of a divine potter. He is molding and sculpting us to be the best person that we can be. She also said that broken minds and hearts can be healed just like broken bodies. I love that and KNOW it to be true!! 💜💜

Sister Card said that when we are in the darkness, we are more likely to lose hope. Darkness does not mean there is not light, though. Often it means that we are in the wrong place to receive the light. We can choose to walk in Christ's life. With His light comes HOPE and HEALING. 💜

We do not need to be perfect. But we do need to be good at getting better. 💜

The light of the Gospel of Christ will cut through the darkness, confusion, and discouragement. 💜

Learn to love you, right where you are. 💜💜💜

Be grateful for the small victories. 💜

Sometimes it takes time to forgive yourself. He's already forgiven you; He is just waiting for you to catch up. 💜💜💜

Revelation from God brings (and is) PEACE. 💜

I do not know everything, but I know enough. I know that my Savior loves me. I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and I know that He wants me to return to live with Him someday. I know that, as I minister to those around me, and as I love and serve my friends and family, that I will be blessing those around me, and that I will be blessed for blessing them. I know that I am a daughter of God, and I know that I am loved by the most Divine Being. I know that He is always there for me, and I know that He has blessed me with so many beautiful friendships that can help me and others to know that we are never alone. I know that nothing is impossible with God if it is His will, and I know that together, He and I can do marvelous things. 💜

I hope you have a lovely week! And I hope you have a peaceful Sabbath day. 💜

Xoxo
Mattie

Turn to Him.

Why?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we procrastinate important things in our lives?
Why do we struggle with change?
Why do we struggle with decisions?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Or say?
Or do?
Why do we stress and worry about things we literally can't control?
Why do we worry about the future instead of focusing on the here and now?

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these feelings. I'm sure you probably have, to some degree. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. And I realized some of the answers a little bit. Because we're concerned with the world. Or we're concerned with the future (which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but sometimes we take it too far). Or we think we're not good enough, we're not as good as so and so. Or sometimes we just care about other people, and their opinions are important to us, and so we care about their opinions of us. As a society, we care a lot about appearances. We care a lot about making the right decisions for our future now. Or we have a lot of things due (or to do) on the same day and we can't figure out which ones to focus on and we struggle with focusing on them and getting them done. And that can be stressful. Life is stressful. Friendships, relationships, dating, school–it's all stressful. But I was thinking about something in sacrament meeting today that kind of helped me relax and calm down a little.

It's been a crazy busy week, but somehow I made it through. Grateful for my Savior, who has blessed me, I know. Grateful for the chances I've had to study my scriptures almost every day this week. Grateful for all of the homework I've been able to finish. I was really stressed this week and wanted to just not do anything because I had so much to do but I needed to do my homework. I also didn't think I had time to study my scriptures because I've had papers to write, and assignments to read. But I paused, and took the time to study, and ponder, and pray, and I am so glad I did. That is the reason I was able to get through this week. Because I took the time to speak to, and listen for my Heavenly Father. And because I did that, He blessed me. I've struggled trying to focus this week because I've had so many papers to work on, but the last couple of days I've been able to focus more, and get a little bit more done. It's hard to focus on one paper when you have multiple papers all due on the same day, but, a President Monson has said, and that I have found to be true this week, "Life is hard by the yard. By the inch, it's a cinch!" I know that as we slow down, and take things one project or paper at a time, we will be able to focus, and progress, and get things done in a timely manner. I also know that as we take time to study our scriptures, we will find time to do all the things we have to do.

Taking time for the spiritual things might seem like a waste of time sometimes, but once you do, you will realize that you will have the ability, focus, and time to do all of the things you want to and need to do. You will be blessed with strength and will be able to concentrate on your tasks at hand.

Sister Maughan said some awesome things in her talk in sacrament meeting today! I just wanted to share a couple of things that we can do to come to Christ:
-We need to be all in.
-We need to stand up on the inside.
-Pray daily. Develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven and His Son.
-Learn to love the scriptures and study them.
-Heavenly Father is watching over us. Sometimes we need to experience things for ourselves. We are more capable than we know.

Bishop had some amazing things to say, too! He talked about prayers and answers, and also about trials and how to deal with them. He said that we increase our faith by fasting for a purpose and having meaningful prayers. He also said that faith is an important ingredient in prayer. Sometimes we just need to move forward in life though. Every individual is responsible for their own happiness, he said. Cultivate a spirit of happiness, and don't belittle or blame yourself. Believe in yourself, and your capacity to do things. Sometimes we just don't receive answers to prayers, but we need to keep moving forward.

Megan said something great in her lesson today. She said something to the effect of, "God is always there for us. Just because we can't see him sometimes doesn't mean He's not there. It's up to us to find Him in our lives. Every time we take the time to look for Him, we'll find Him."

I've been trying to take some time for me lately. I have kind of been feeling...not lost, exactly...but like I'm wandering, floating in the vast space of 'being' (which, I mean, I guess is true, since we're all floating in space, but that's not the way that I meant it). I feel like I'm struggling to fit in. And I mean, I have friends, and it's great fun, but I just feel a little bit out of place, and like I'm just not socializing enough. Anyway, I've decided that I need to find myself (Again. I keep forgetting, and losing myself, apparently. Or I just need to be a different me every school year. Either that, or I just have not really found myself). And I need to focus. I have been struggling with focusing lately. I don't know why that is, but I do know that it has been better when I've been studying my scriptures, and praying, and getting sleep. When all of my papers were just kind of dropped on me like a bomb, it was bad. I was worrying, and worrying, and I was jumping from paper to paper because I couldn't focus on any of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, or how I wanted to talk about it (for being someone who loves writing and talking, sometimes I sure don't know what to say). But about midway through the week, something happened, and I just felt a whole lot better. I don't know what it was, but after Wednesday/Thursday morning, I've been able to focus just a little better. I'm grateful for the peace that I've had this weekend. It's been a little stressful, too, but mostly I've been feeling a lot better about my papers, and my schoolwork. Life is so hard, and can be so difficult and stressful, but I know that when we turn to God, and read His words, and listen to His Spirit, we're blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie