The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.

It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

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That's the point!

This week, I was on a spiritual high from last weekend. General Conference is my favorite time of the year, and I'm so glad we have two conferences every year! I am very excited that the talks are now on the Gospel Library App so I can study them in preparation for next conference!

I was teaching my kiddos how to play "Pin the tail on the (Puppy)" (this week our theme was 'pets'; hence, the 'puppy' instead of 'donkey'), and as I was blindfolding one of my kids, he says to me, "I can't see!" I said, "That's the point." Later, when it was my turn, I said something similar to "I can't see" and he says, "That's the point!" And all the rest of my kiddos chime in with, "That's the point!" And I about died laughing! These kids are so funny and make me laugh every day!

As I was thinking about that experience this weekend, I had a thought. I was thinking about the Gospel, and how trials are really hard, and learning and growing as a person are really hard, and that thought came to my mind again, "That's the point!" The point of this life is to experience trials, and to learn and grow. The point of this life is to love God, and love your neighbors. The point of this life is to make the world a better place.

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I'm full of gratitude for this last week. General Conference was amazing, and I've had a fairly amazing week at work. I'm trying to figure out what I'm wanting with my life, and how I can improve myself. I've recently started re-reading the Book of Mormon, and I want to be done by Christmas. It has helped me every day that I've read a chapter or two. I've been calmer, happier, and more at peace as I've read my scriptures each day this week. I'm grateful for the messages of General Conference last week, and I'm grateful for the chance that I have to re-read, listen to, or watch the sessions again for the next six months. I am really hoping that I can become a better person as I keep reading my scriptures every day, and as I study the talks from this last conference. 

I am trying to remember every day to be better. To be more patient, loving, and kind. To let go of the little things that are inconsequential and don't matter. It's hard when I don't understand the why behind things, and I think that doesn't help me be more patient and kind. 

I'm grateful for a God who gives me love and peace when I need it, and even when I don't know that I need it. I'm grateful for a God who reminds me that there is more to this life than meets the eye, and of that wonderful plan that He has in store for me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

"Live by faith, not by fear."

"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

One by one.

I was reading a few articles in the Ensign during the sacrament today, and there were a few things that really stood out to me, and I'd like to share a couple of them.

The first article I read was the First Presidency Message in the July 2017 Ensign. It was given by President Henry B. Eyring, and the title of his message was, "The Reward of Enduring Well", and I loved what he talked about! He said two things that really spoke to me.

The first thing was that, "We all have trials to face–at time, very difficult trials. We know that the Lord allows us to go through trials in order for us to be polished and perfected so we can be with Him forever." I loved this! I know that sometimes it's hard to remember in the midst of trials that we're going through them in order to change us, and help us grow, but I know that as we do, we'll be able to remember to turn to the Lord, and He'll be able to help us through our trials.

President Eyring then shared the scripture that the Lord gave to Joseph Smith while he was in Liberty Jail: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" (D&C 121: 7-8). I love this scripture–it's hard to remember, sometimes,  to have faith and be at peace, but I know that when I have remembered, my trials didn't go right away, but they were easier to deal with.

The second thing was that, "a loving God has not set such tests before us simply to see if we can endure difficulty but rather to see if we can endure them well and so become polished." We're here to be tested, and tried, and to see if we can endure our tests and trials well. To see if we turn to Him for help. To see if we take these trials and use them to become who the Lord knows we can become. President Eyring says, "Our trials and our difficulties give us the opportunity to learn and grow, and they may even change our very nature. If we can to turn the Savior in our extremity, our souls can be polished as we endure." (Which is basically what I said prior to that quote. We're on the same page, President Eyring and I)

The second article that I read was the Visiting Teaching Message for this month, but I really liked this one quote from Elder Christofferson, who reminds us that "as we endeavor day by day and week by week to follow the path of Christ, our spirit asserts its preeminence, the battle within subsides, and temptations cease to trouble." Sister Neill F. Marriott also shared a quote I loved from The Living Christ: "His way is the path that leads to happiness in the life and eternal life in the world to come." I loved these quotes. As we follow Christ, our goodness increases, as does our determination to do right, and our temptations decrease/cease to cause trouble. His way is the best path to happiness.

The messages that I received from reading these articles today were ones that I really needed to hear. I'm grateful that I felt impressed to read the Ensign during the sacrament today.

I am really looking forward to tonight. There is a fireside that our choir is singing at, and we are singing "One by One" which is an amazing song and I am so excited! It sounds so beautiful! (Also I am one of the soloists and that's exciting. I'm actually the last one, which is extremely exciting but also tremendously terrifying. I will live, however, and those two instances of alliteration will help) I can't wait to share the message of the song with those in attendance! I hope that we are able to share the message with at least one person who really needs it. After choir practice today, we were talking about the messages of the song, and one of my friends said something that I really loved. She said that, even though this church is an all-encompassing one, full of people, the gospel really is a personal gospel. It is different for each of us. I loved that. Jesus Christ suffered for us all, but He also suffered for us personally. He administers to us one by one. Each of our needs and circumstances are different, but He still helps, blesses, loves, and heals us one by one.

I am so grateful for the message of the song "One by One", and for the promptings I received during the sacrament today. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for all that He has done, and all that He does, for me.

Xoxo
Mattie