Moments.

Despite the challenges we have been facing as we try to start our family, we continue to experience moments of hope, along with moments of heartache. Some news we received this past week was not what we had hoped it would be. As a result, I have had an emotionally and spiritually draining week as I tried to deal with my emotions, connect with Heavenly Father, and figure out what is next for not only me, but our little family. My thoughts have kept turning to a few things Ricky and I are discussing for the future, and I am just so grateful for his love and support during this difficult trial.

Holy Week - Thursday

On the Thursday of Jesus' last week of His mortal ministry, He sits down with His disciples for Passover, in what we call the Last Supper. During this time, He institutes the sacrament, washes their feet, and tells them He loves them. He also tells them that they need to do as He did to them. We read this account in John 13:

12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?
13 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am.
14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.
15 For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.

After their dinner, they went to the Mount of Olives, the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus walked off by Himself and prayed to the Father. Throughout the events of the rest of the evening, Jesus gives us many examples of His love and of ways to serve and be His disciples. 

During His time in the Garden, He asked Heavenly Father to remove the cup, but if it be His will, Jesus would do it. I love this example of how to work through any trials or challenges in our lives. We don't have to like them, and they can be really difficult, but we can do it, as Jesus did, by turning to God.

Jesus' example of perseverance during the events of this day is something we can all follow in our everyday lives. He did not let the jeers and taunts get to Him. He did not let the difficulty of the events of the day stop Him from continuing. He knew that His sacrifice was needed for us to be able to return to live with the Father again. His love for us was greater than the discomfort and difficulty of His Atonement and Crucifixion. He pushed through for us. His love and devotion to follow the will of the Father give me comfort in my trials. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Humility in trials.

People go through many trials and challenges in life, each unique and personal. Some people lose their parents. Some people lose their children. Some people go through divorce. Some people experience natural disasters like earthquakes, fires, and hurricanes. Some people have health issues. 

I don't typically post too many details about it, but infertility has been a really challenging trial for me. While it is deeply personal and hard to talk about, especially in the Church, I appreciate the friends and family who've felt comfortable discussing their own infertility challenges with me while I'm going through my own; it's helped me not to feel alone.

Infertility treatments are expensive and not guaranteed. I hate that so much--recently, we spent a lot of money on the next procedure, not to mention all of the medications I needed to take, and it didn't work. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I can't do anything about it, but we were devastated when we found out it didn't work.

Moving forward is hard because I desperately want to try again, but the possibility that it won't work again looms over every thought. We're not made of money, and the procedures and medications are expensive and not covered by insurance. It's hard to make that decision, but we are trying to listen to the Holy Ghost to discern when it is time for us to make the next move forward.

I've been searching the Church's website for talks and scriptures to help me understand why trials occur and how to get through them when it feels like all hope is gone. In Mosiah 21: 5-14, the Nephites learn to humble themselves and turn to God:

5 And now the afflictions of the Nephites were great, and there was no way that they could deliver themselves out of their hands, for the Lamanites had surrounded them on every side.

6 And it came to pass that the people began to murmur with the king because of their afflictions; and they began to be desirous to go against them to battle. And they did afflict the king sorely with their complaints; therefore he granted unto them that they should do according to their desires.

7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

13 And they did humble themselves even to the dust, subjecting themselves to the yoke of bondage, submitting themselves to be smitten, and to be driven to and fro, and burdened, according to the desires of their enemies.

14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

The purpose of trials is to help us humble ourselves and turn to God. But what happens when we feel like we have already humbled ourselves and turned to Him, but we still have not received answers or are still feeling lost?

I asked my brother, who is serving his mission, this question, and he shared Ether 12:27 with me, and I was really drawn to Ether 12:28, as well.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

He shows us our weaknesses, but He also shows us that faith, hope, and charity bring us closer to Him, as well as to righteousness. 

In Elder Renlund's talk "The Powerful, Virtuous Cycle of the Doctrine of Christ" from the past April 2024 General Conference, he says the following:

"Spiritual momentum is created “over a lifetime as we repeatedly embrace the doctrine of Christ.” Doing so, President Russell M. Nelson taught, produces a “powerful virtuous cycle.” Indeed, the elements of the doctrine of Christ—such as faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, entering a covenant relationship with the Lord through baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end—are not intended to be experienced as one-time, check-the-box events. In particular, “enduring to the end” is not really a separate step in the doctrine of Christ—as though we complete the first four elements and then hunker down, grit our teeth, and wait to die. No, enduring to the end is repeatedly and iteratively applying the other elements of the doctrine of Christ, creating the “powerful virtuous cycle” that President Nelson described."

We are not meant to know all things in this life--the purpose of this life is to learn and grow and have faith in Jesus Christ. 

Life is HARD, and while I don't understand the purpose of this trial in my life, and I struggle with it daily, feeling very lost and alone at times, I know I can turn to my Savior for peace. 

Ricky and I went to the Payson Temple yesterday to do sealings, and even though I didn't receive a specific answer (and even left with more questions), I still felt peace. I spent a lot of time after our time in the temple thinking about how, right now, just sitting in the temple is often more precious to me than doing ordinances. While I love doing the ordinances, lately, it seems all I can hear is "and mother" in all of the ordinances, which is a little painful and hard for me to not think about. I often think about Jesse, how grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation, and for the blessings of eternal families. 

I am grateful for my sweetheart and the sweet opportunity we had last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Year five has started off great and I can't wait to see where it takes us.

I hope this Sunday has been a peaceful Sunday for you and yours. I know that God loves us always, and that He cares for us more than we will ever know.

Xoxo

Mattie

Path to personal peace.

In the April 2023 General Conference, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk entitled "Finding Personal Peace". We discussed this talk in Relief Society today. It was so enlightening to discuss and hear others' thoughts on President Eyring's talk.

President Eyring starts his talk by recounting the Savior's words about peace, and how He gives us peace, from the book of John in chapter 14:15-27. Here is the passage that he shares:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments.

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

“Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

“At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

“Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

“Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

“He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

“These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

President Eyring then goes on to discuss how he found five truths from this passage of the Savior's teachings. As we read and discussed the five truths that President Eyring found, I kept going back to my April 2023. During that time (March/April), I was having a difficult time. I kept thinking about Jesse, and how, if I hadn't experienced my miscarriage, I would have been having my baby around that time. It was an especially hard time because a few people close to me had announced pregnancies and it was emotionally challenging for me to watch them experience something I wasn't able to (because I lost my baby) during the time when I would have been getting ready to give birth.

For months previously, I had been asking Heavenly Father for peace, and felt and heard nothing at the time. I was frustrated, sad, heartbroken, lonely, and trying desperately to not ruin the pregnancies of the ones close to me. Fast forward to General Conference. One of the questions I was wanting to focus on getting an answer for during conference was  peace and comfort, and to finally start healing. I was tired of walking around on eggshells because every little thing would make me cry. 

As the first session of conference occurred, I was feeling good, because I had heard so many little things that I loved. But when President Eyring (the final speaker of the session) stood up and began to speak, I felt overwhelmed with the Spirit and knew I needed to listen. As I listened to President Eyring, I was watching and listening, glued to the screen, taking in this dear Apostle of the Lord's words. When he said, "Some of you, perhaps many, are not feeling the peace the Lord promised. You may have prayed for personal peace and spiritual comfort. Yet you may feel that the heavens are silent to your pleading for peace", I knew this talk was for me. I felt in my heart, "This is for you. You are not alone. I am with you."

As Relief Society closed today, I shared this special story. I got a little emotional during my comment, but it was healing to share my experience around this talk that was special to me for several reasons: 1) because it was an answer to my prayer, and 2) because when you share experiences, you remember more details, and you can find new insights.

My path to personal peace is not what I expected it to be, but it is exactly what I need it to be. I'm grateful for the healing that I have experienced in this past year. I know there is more to do, but I am grateful for how far I have come.

I hope this week is a good one for you! I have a few fun things planned for this week and I am looking forward to getting a lot of work done as well!

God loves you and I do too!

Xoxo Mattie

Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Shining bright with hope.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated my blog. I'm sorry about that. Life has been crazy and hectic. Things have been changing almost every day and it's been stressing me out, and I needed to take a breather.

Over the last few weeks, I have had a lot going on. I have had the opportunity to move into my new apartment, where Ricky will be joining me on May 20th when we are married. I have had the stress of a new job, which keeps changing things almost every day, and it's very hard to keep track of sometimes. And I have still been finalizing weddings plans. We were kind of counting on being able to use the church's cultural hall, but that is no longer an option. Instead, we will be getting married in my parents' front yard, and we are trying to figure out how to do a Facebook live or Zoom call or something like that so that Ricky's parents can participate, as well as any other extended family and friends of ours that would like to participate.

Today, the Church released that they are opening some temples in Utah for live sealings of previously endowed members. Ricky and I fall into this category. While I would much like to wait until we can invite so many more of our family and friends, as the future is unknown and we don't know when that would be, we are going to try to be sealed as soon as possible. While I am unsure yet how many guests we can have, I am sure it will be no more than 20, as that is the state's current number for "groups".

I am not going to lie, I am kind of super disappointed and sad. This whole experience has just been STRESSFUL for me. I haven't been able to really enjoy my time being engaged. My wedding plans have been changing on the daily, and I don't even know what's happening anymore. The minute that some temples were announced as being reopened for previously endowed members of the Church to be sealed as husband and wife, EVERYONE I know was sending me the link to the article, and asking if that changed things. I am not going to lie–I cried on my lunch break today because I was so overwhelmed and stressed. I was just about ready to relax because everything was pretty much done for the wedding–we just needed to buy Ricky's tie, probably some wedding decorations, and get/make food for the wedding brunch–and then the temples reopened and added a new element for me to think on.

I am really trying not to stress about this, but it is just so much more emotionally and mentally taxing for me than I thought it would be. I am grateful that I have Ricky to lean on. He has been so amazing through everything. I am so lucky to be the one that he chooses everyday, and I am so grateful that I get to choose him every day. It's the best and easiest choice I've ever made in my entire life. He is the brightest spot in my life when things are dark. He is always shining bright, and I love that about him.

Photo Credit: Beyond The Darkroom Photography

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In Elder L. Whitney Clayton's General Conference talk in April 2013 "Marriage: Watch and Learn", he gives some great marriage advice that I loved.

"First, I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth. They both leave their fathers and mothers and set out together to build a marriage that will prosper for eternity. They understand that they walk a divinely ordained path. They know that no other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement. Watch and learn: the best marriage partners regard their marriages as priceless.

Next, faith. Successful eternal marriages are built on the foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and adherence to His teachings. I have observed that couples who have made their marriages priceless practice the patterns of faith: they attend sacrament and other meetings every week, hold family home evening, pray and study the scriptures together and as individuals, and pay an honest tithing. Their mutual quest is to be obedient and good. They do not consider the commandments to be a buffet from which they can pick and choose only the most appealing offerings.

Faith is the foundation of every virtue that strengthens marriage. Strengthening faith strengthens marriage. Faith grows as we keep the commandments, and so do the harmony and joy in marriage. Thus, keeping the commandments is fundamental to establishing strong eternal marriages. Watch and learn: faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the foundation of happy eternal marriages.

Third, repentance. I have learned that happy marriages rely on the gift of repentance. It is an essential element in every good marital relationship. Spouses who regularly conduct honest self-examination and promptly take needed steps to repent and improve experience a healing balm in their marriages. Repentance helps restore and maintain harmony and peace.

Humility is the essence of repentance. Humility is selfless, not selfish. It doesn’t demand its own way or speak with moral superiority. Instead, humility answers softly and listens kindly for understanding, not vindication. Humility recognizes that no one can change someone else, but with faith, effort, and the help of God, we can undergo our own mighty change of heart. Experiencing the mighty change of heart causes us to treat others, especially our spouses, with meekness. Humility means that both husbands and wives seek to bless, help, and lift each other, putting the other first in every decision. Watch and learn: repentance and humility build happy marriages.

Fourth, respect. I have observed that in wonderful, happy marriages, husbands and wives treat each other as equal partners. Practices from any place or any time in which husbands have dominated wives or treated them in any way as second-class partners in marriage are not in keeping with divine law and should be replaced by correct principles and patterns of behavior."

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I am so excited to be Ricky's partner and equal in life. I am so excited to go shopping every other weekend with him. I am so excited to discuss dinner options for the week. I am so excited to wake up next to him every morning. I am so excited to be able to study our scriptures and pray together in our own home. I am so excited to be able to create our life and family together. I am so excited to be able to grow closer together and grow closer to God together. I am so excited to be able to move forward in life with him by my side. Together, I know that we will be able to make our way through this crazy adventure called life together. 

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed me in so many ways. I am so grateful for the examples that I have to look up to in my life of great marriages. I am grateful for the wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive and loving. Even though things keep changing on me, and it is stressful, I am learning to work through them. I am learning to take things one thing at a time. Some days, I don't always remember that. But each day is something new. Each day is different. Each day is a blessing. And I know that I am never alone.

Xoxo

Mattie

That's the point!

This week, I was on a spiritual high from last weekend. General Conference is my favorite time of the year, and I'm so glad we have two conferences every year! I am very excited that the talks are now on the Gospel Library App so I can study them in preparation for next conference!

I was teaching my kiddos how to play "Pin the tail on the (Puppy)" (this week our theme was 'pets'; hence, the 'puppy' instead of 'donkey'), and as I was blindfolding one of my kids, he says to me, "I can't see!" I said, "That's the point." Later, when it was my turn, I said something similar to "I can't see" and he says, "That's the point!" And all the rest of my kiddos chime in with, "That's the point!" And I about died laughing! These kids are so funny and make me laugh every day!

As I was thinking about that experience this weekend, I had a thought. I was thinking about the Gospel, and how trials are really hard, and learning and growing as a person are really hard, and that thought came to my mind again, "That's the point!" The point of this life is to experience trials, and to learn and grow. The point of this life is to love God, and love your neighbors. The point of this life is to make the world a better place.

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I'm full of gratitude for this last week. General Conference was amazing, and I've had a fairly amazing week at work. I'm trying to figure out what I'm wanting with my life, and how I can improve myself. I've recently started re-reading the Book of Mormon, and I want to be done by Christmas. It has helped me every day that I've read a chapter or two. I've been calmer, happier, and more at peace as I've read my scriptures each day this week. I'm grateful for the messages of General Conference last week, and I'm grateful for the chance that I have to re-read, listen to, or watch the sessions again for the next six months. I am really hoping that I can become a better person as I keep reading my scriptures every day, and as I study the talks from this last conference. 

I am trying to remember every day to be better. To be more patient, loving, and kind. To let go of the little things that are inconsequential and don't matter. It's hard when I don't understand the why behind things, and I think that doesn't help me be more patient and kind. 

I'm grateful for a God who gives me love and peace when I need it, and even when I don't know that I need it. I'm grateful for a God who reminds me that there is more to this life than meets the eye, and of that wonderful plan that He has in store for me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

One thing at a time.

I am happy to say that my cold is slowly disappearing!! Today I have felt the most amazing I have felt in the last three weeks!! I'm so blessed, too, because today I was singing in sacrament meeting, so I needed my voice at its utmost best today. And the musical number was absolutely beautiful!! We sang "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" and I am soo grateful for my friends who accompanied me on the piano and flute! It was a wonderful experience and it really brought the Spirit.

Yesterday, my aunt and uncle were able to be sealed to their newly adopted daughter, and I was lucky enough to be able to go. It was such a beautiful experience and I am so glad that I got to be there. It was a special experience.

During sacrament meeting, the speakers talked about challenges. One speaker said that God teaches us during small challenges to help us during bigger challenges. I really liked this. Because it is really true. He teaches us line upon line, precept on precept. And it only makes sense that He teaches us during small challenges how to deal with our bigger challenges.

For example, I recently FINALLY have almost finishing getting over biting my nails!! I've been working on this for YEARS! And only in the last few weeks have I super focused on my goal, and made it work! I don't know why it has taken me so long, and of course, I'm going to have to focus on it really hard if I want to make sure that I don't bite my nails again, but I'm sure that I can do it. For the first time in a long time, I actually have nails, and I am SO determined to keep them.

Anyway, looking back at my experience with biting my nails, I can learn lots of things. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you just have to keep. trying. I have tried so many things over the years, and they haven't always worked. So many times, I have wanted to give up. Sometimes, I did. I thought, "This is too hard. This is impossible. I can't do it." And I stopped for a time. And then I would want to try again. And it was a giant roller coaster of ups and downs. I kept going, kept trying.

As I have thought about this, I've decided that this can apply to many things in life, and I want to try to apply it in my life better. Right now, I am struggling at work. I think it's because I have had a lot of influx and outflow of children in my classroom, and so they dynamic of my room has been changing every week, so the kids are probably going a little nuts. Frankly, I understand where they're coming from. I also am going a little nuts. It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and I am not sure how the next couple of weeks are going to go, but I am certain that as I focus on one thing at a time, and as I focus on making sure that my kiddos understand that I love them, I think that the next few weeks will be better.

I know that I can't do this alone. I think one thing that has made it difficult these last few weeks is that I haven't exactly been asking for as much help as I've needed. I'm going to try better this week to improve at asking for help when I need it–and even before I need it.

One of the speakers in sacrament meeting today shared this quote, and I needed its reminder today. Honestly, these last few weeks, I have wanted to quit my job. It has been way hard and very taxing on my body & soul. I have thought that I can't do this and that I'm not cut out for it. But I have kept going because I don't have anything else to do right now. My friend this weekend told me that I can do this! She believes in me, and she thinks I am cut out for this. She said it gets easier with time, and I hope she's right (she is). I just need to remember to focus on one thing at a time. Which is really how I have been getting over biting my nails–one nail at a time. Who knew such a small trial would impact how I get through much bigger trials? God sure did. I'm glad that He is on my side because with Him, I will not become lost. 

Have a wonderful week! God loves you, and so do I! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Keeping an eternal perspective.

Today in sacrament meeting, the speakers talked about keeping an eternal perspective. I thought they had some really great messages.

One of the ways to help us keep an eternal perspective is that we have to remember who we are. We are children of God, and He loves us.

Another way is to keep the Holy Ghost with us. In a quote read by the first speaker, Sister Sheri Dew said, "Our challenge is not one of getting the Lord to speak to us. Our problem is hearing what He has to say. He has promised, “As often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit” (D&C 6:14)." We must be confident in our first promptings from the Holy Ghost.

God's plan for us is often fluid, and can be an adventure. Sometimes we can be confident that God wants us heading in one direction, and then later He can be directing us down a different path in a different direction. But He doesn't tell us all the answers every time.

The third way is to remember that it's a doubles match. God is in our court. We are supported by Him, and He will help us as we move forward.

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Asking "why" never takes away the hard things. Life gets crazy. Sometimes God calms the seas, and sometimes He calms the sailor.

In the talk "Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing", Elder Bednar said he asked Elder Neal A. Maxwell what lessons he learned through his illness (he had leukemia) and he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.” Just as Jesus shrank not to drink the bitter cup, we, too, can shrink not to drink the bitter cup. It's like taking medicine–it tastes terrible, but you need to take it in order to get better. We need to "drink the bitter cup" and stand tall. God is with us, and He will help us through it all.

"Trial" in the medical world has a positive connotation. As you go through trials, you are getting closer and closer to the answers. "Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people. Each study answers scientific questions and tries to find better ways to prevent, screen for, diagnose, or treat a disease." Trials that we go through in our lives are testing that helps us develop our faith and testimony. The variety of experiences and challenges that we go through is for our growth. Living the Gospel gives us the support and understanding we need to get through this life. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! God loves you! 

Xoxo

Mattie

Hard is good.

I think I'm just going to stop saying, "It's been a crazy week" and let you guys assume it's been a crazy week. 🤣 Despite the craziness of the last couple weeks, however, I am feeling really blessed this weekend. This week, I've been able to be comforted and feel peace. Currently I have really mainly stressed about life after graduation, but I've realized I don't have to be. I've learned that sometimes I overthink things and I just need to make a decision. God wants me to do what I want to do. I've been asking Him for guidance, and I've been so focused on what He wants me to do, but I think that He wants me to know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether I stay in Provo or Lehi, or even if I leave Utah. As long as I follow my heart.

In the April 2017 General Conference, Sister Linda K. Burton gave a talk entitled, "Certain Women" that I really loved. Certain, in this case, means, "positive", "convinced", "definite", "firm", and "dependable". She said that "certain women are disciples centered in the Savior Jesus Christ and have hope through the promise of His atoning sacrifice." I loved that! Certain women have so much faith in our Savior and sacrifice so much to serve and bless the lives of those around them. I love this talk so much because it shows so many examples of righteous women who never gave up on their Savior. And I'd love to be just like them someday. I am trying every day to center my life on Christ and have faith and hope in His atoning sacrifice.

Sometimes my life doesn't always go the way that I want it to. But every week I try again. Every day, actually. And I am not always perfect at it. But I am trying. And that's all that God asks. He asks that I do my best. And some days...some days my best is not as much as it was the day before...but it is still my best. And that is all that matters.

Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do, and why we all have different personal struggles. But it's important to remember that not only do we all learn in different ways, but hard is good. We learn more when we are being challenged, and all of the trials and struggles in our life lead us to improvement. You can't know happiness if you don't know sorrow. You can't know love if you don't know hate. You can't know peace if you don't know turmoil. 

Elder Stanley G. Ellis said, "In the world of nature, hard is part of the circle of life. It is hard for a baby chick to hatch out of that tough eggshell. But when someone tries to make it easier, the chick does not develop the strength necessary to live. In a similar way, the struggle of a butterfly to escape the cocoon strengthens it for the life it will live." 

Why should we be any different? We all have challenges. The only difference is how we react to those challenges. If we embrace the challenges, and use them to better ourselves, we can grow, and become stronger, and then the Lord will be able to use us to help others around us. 

I find that in the midst of my challenges and trials, when I take the time to visit the temple, read my scriptures, ponder, and pray, life makes a lot more sense. I am able to see beyond the trials and trust in my Father in Heaven. Sometimes it doesn't always work, I won't lie to you. There are some things that I can't see beyond–and trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me in that moment is slightly difficult–but because things have worked out in the past and I have been able to see connections and find answers, I am able to just hope and have faith. I hope that things will work out and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, and that I am on the right path. 

I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us, and I know that He only wants what is best for us. He wants us to be the best that we can be, and He wants us to turn to Him for help and guidance on our journey back to Him. 

Xoxo

Mattie

We need to minister love as He did.

I think that for the last two weeks, Life has just been like..."Mm, let's see...Mattie is almost on her last stretch...how much damage can we do before she gets there to make her not want to get there? 😈" Because goodness gracious, what a time it has been! From not only falling up the stairs and getting a gnarly bruise but waking up with a couple bizarre bruises this week to having the most awful migraine last week, I think the only thing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks is me breaking something–either a bone or part of my violin–which has often been a fear of mine. Wait, I lied. I haven't thrown up, either (though I've been nauseous a lot).

ANYWAY. Sorry for the extensive life update–I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. It's been a ROUGH couple of weeks for me–not only physically, but mentally, and I had to take a lot of time for myself because my mind and body needed time to heal. It has been a little stressful because I have had a lot of school things to work on that I haven't been able to work on as much as I wanted because I've been dealing with helping myself heal. But I am grateful that I have the faith and trust in my Heavenly Father to ask for priesthood blessings because I know that the faith to ask for priesthood blessings shows Him my humbleness, and willingness to listen to things He has to say to me. I know that as I do the things He asks me to, He will bless me, and He will bless my efforts.

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Once upon a time, there was a girl who envisioned the life that she wanted. And she started the path to that life. But she kept hitting dead ends. Some were quick dead ends; others were a little bit longer. She didn't understand. The map she had didn't show so many dead ends. So she went to the mapmaker to ask for guidance, direction, and insight. 

She asked the mapmaker, "Why are these dead ends not mapped out? I'd like to avoid them." She had had enough heartache and just wanted something to work out for once.

His response was short: "If you knew all the dead ends, you wouldn't learn from your mistakes." He knew she would learn better if she made her own decisions. 

Trying to understand, she asked the mapmaker, "How can I best navigate the course I desire?" 

He answered, "Take all the time you need to decide which paths to take, and which course to follow. If you have any questions, I am happy to answer them. But I won't be able to make any decisions for you. This life is all about what you want, and if I am making all the choices for you, it's not going to be what you want."

She thought about that for a minute and then said, "You are right. How can I know when to ask you for help?"

"Oftentimes," he said, "you will just know. You will feel it in your heart."

Thanking the mapmaker for his time, she walked back to the last point of the path where she had been. She looked at her map, and thought back to what the mapmaker had said about taking the time she needed. She knelt down and tried to figure out exactly what she wanted, what she needed, and which paths would give her what she desired. 

Standing up, she made a choice, and headed off in that direction. She wouldn't know for a long time if that was the correct choice or not, but for now, she knew that it felt right, and that it seemed to be what she needed right now.

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(In case you couldn't tell, the story above was an allegory for our life here on Earth. There are always going to be dead ends–paths that seem right at the time, but end up not going anywhere. God is our mapmaker, and He is always going to be there for us to guide us and help us, but He can't make any decisions for us; it is up to us what paths and choices we make. I hope that you remember that sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that if you fall, God will catch you.)

The message I got in church today was MINISTER LOVE. I loved the focus on ministering today. 

Alex asked a question in her talk that I loved: Are we the first person others think of when in need? I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that I at least try to be that person. 

Kyle asked a couple of questions that I loved, too: Who do I want to be? And what do I need to do to get there? I loved these because honestly, life is hard to navigate until you know who you want to be and what things you need to do to be that person. 

One thing that we discussed in Relief Society that I loved was that, after we go through/to the temple. we will received more temptations because we are more of a threat. And I know that that is true. This semester has been one of the hardest–not because of school, but because I have just had a lot of things going on that have been making it hard for me to focus on the right things. But I know that when I am able to focus on the right things, and do what I am supposed to do, that everything else falls into place. 

I went to the temple yesterday morning, and it was such a beautiful time. It was the first time that I went by myself since I've gone through, and it was a little scary at first but it was good. :) It was wonderful to just sit there and ponder on things that I have been worried about, and things that have been on my mind for awhile. One thing that I learned while I was sitting in the temple was that even though I make mistakes a lot, if I have the desire and will to change, as long as I have the Lord beside me, I can overcome whatever is thrown my way.

I am thankful for the blessings of the temple, of the priesthood, of the Spirit, of music, and for the blessing of being a woman. Life is certainly difficult, but I know that there are things that I can do because I am a woman, and I am thankful for the blessing of being ME because there are things that I can do that no one else can. And I hope that I bless the lives of those around me in the best ways.

God is a powerful being who made not only this world, but US. He made YOU. He made ME. And He created us to do a marvelous work that no one else can do. You are meant to do great things, and only you can do them. He will help you figure them out if you ask Him for help. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week! God loves you so much, and I do, too!

Xoxo
Mattie

Life can't always be smooth sailing.

Life ebbs and flows like the waves on the seas. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes it's rough. Sometimes it's so blue, and sometimes you are so depressed, but sometimes it's so blue and you are so grateful.

You have to ride the waves, and be okay with the bumpiness and inconsistencies of life. It's important to wear your life jacket—for me, that's the Gospel. It keeps me afloat, and gives me life. And I also look to my lifeguard—my Savior. I know that if I sink, He will lift me up, and He will be there. He walks on the water, and He will never let me drown. 

This week was not the greatest. We had around 182 scouts to feed and so we were preparing food for like 300 people including staff and it was hectic and insane. But we made it through the week!! I was feeling very stressed this week and Friday night was kind of the climax of my stress but I have been feeling better now that all the scouts are gone. 

This week I was able to go on the Wilderness Survival Overnighter and I'm so glad I did!! It was such a beautiful nice and such a peaceful experience. I was able to think about a lot of things and it was good. It was very relaxing, which I needed this week. 

I can't believe I'm almost done working up here!! I go home in 13 days!! It's been a great summer. 

Serah said something today during her lesson that I loved. She said, "If the Lord wants to prepare His people, He sends them to the wilderness." And I just couldn't help but think, "That's me." I have really learned a lot this summer and I think I'm more prepared for some things than I ever have been before. I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had, and for the people I've met. I have come to love all the staff with all of my heart. They're all helpful, kind, funny, and sweet–and most of them are guys. ;) But seriously–they have taught me a lot and I really am so, so grateful for them. 

These last two weeks of camp are gonna be hard because I'm looking forward to going home, but I'm also really sad to be leaving. It's been an amazing summer, and I'm gonna miss everyone so much. 

I'm grateful for this experience, and for the lessons I've learned. I'm hoping that I will leave camp a better person than when I came here. I feel like I've changed a lot, but I also kind of feel like I am the same person. I hope that I have blessed the lives of those around me this summer. I have tried to be a friend to everyone, and I hope that at least I have been kind. 

I know God loves me, and I know that He blesses me every day. I hope that I am able to bless those around me for Him. 

I hope you have a great week!! Take a moment for yourself this week. I know that it'll bless you. God loves you!! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

It's okay to be imperfect.

It's okay not to be perfect. In fact, it's okay to be IMperfect. Our Heavenly Father loves us as we are right now. Imperfections and all. But He also wants us to improve ourselves. We all have weaknesses. Some of them we can't fix by ourselves. We need His help. He has given us all the tools we need to be able to improve ourselves and work to be better people. One of the things that He has given us is His Son, Jesus Christ–our Savior. Our Savior knows what we are going through. He knows what we have gone through. He knows how to help us get through our trials. 

According to the Topical Guide, weakness is "the condition of being mortal and lacking ability, strength, or skill. Weakness is a state of being. All people are weak, and it is only by God's grace that they receive power to do righteous acts." In Ether 12:27, we are told that God gives us weakness to become humble, and if we humble ourselves and have faith, He will take our weaknesses and make them strengths. If we take our weaknesses to Him, and tell Him that we need help overcoming it, He will help us. He will help us make it into a strength. It might not always be what we were expecting, but it will be what we need, and sometimes it will be what others need from us. 

You might be asking, "How does this work? How does He use our weaknesses and turn them into strengths?" Well, I found an article that helps discuss just that! You can find it here, and I will share a few quotes and things from it for those of you who don't want to read it. ;)

"At first blush, it seems counterintuitive that the Lord would call upon the weak things of the earth to accomplish a mighty work. To appreciate why the Lord calls the weak, remember that the Lord says his work must be accomplished in His own way and by the power of His Spirit: His ways, in other words, not our ways. Those who perceive themselves to be “strong” do not turn wholeheartedly to the Lord for guidance. Instead, they rely on their own wisdom and their own understanding, “the arm of the flesh.” As a consequence, they are left to their own strength; and they will find in the end—to their dismay—that their strength is insufficient."

I love this! Sometimes I think the Lord uses our weaknesses, and other weak things, in order to prove that He is God–to prove that He can do all things. In Judges, God takes Gideon's army and downsizes it from 32,000 men to 300–and they won against an army of 135,000!! If that doesn't show the power and strength of obeying God, and the power and strength of something that appears weak but God has made strong, I don't know what does.

In the Book of Mormon, when the Nephites go to war against the Lamanites with the strength of the Lord, they always prevail. When they boast of their strengths, and forget the Lord, they fail.

There is a difference between humbly accepting your weaknesses...and just plain old tearing yourself down because you think you're not enough or you've just done things wrong. Stop tearing yourself down! I, too, am guilty of this, I am not going to lie. I have a problem with it. That is one of my weaknesses (and personally, I think it is one that everyone struggles with but I am not going to judge). When you get on your knees, and tell the Lord, honestly, and full of hope and faith, "I struggle with this. Will you help me?" He will help you. He loves when we turn to Him because that means that we are being humble! Knowing that we cannot do things on our own, and turning to Him for help is being humble! It's accepting that you can't do it by yourself, and you need the Lord's help.

God has a work for us to do...and He uses us in our weakness to strengthen those around us.

I have a new goal for myself. I am trying to focus on being worthy to go through the temple. I'm not sure when I will be ready to go through, but I am wanting to at least be worthy to go through for awhile before I actually go through. I have been thinking about it for awhile, but haven't really focused on it yet, and now I want to focus on it. I think that one thing that has been stressing me out about the future is that the only 'goal' I have so far to look forward to is one that I don't really have opportunities for right now. So, if I have this goal to work on, I have something to look forward to. I have something to work towards.

I'm going back to Bear Lake today! I'm so excited! I've had a great week spending time with my family. It's been good to relax, and I'm excited to go back to work! The rest of the summer is going to be so fun!!

I hope you have a wonderful week!! And I hope that you know that God loves you so much and He wants what's best for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

Love is putting someone else's needs before yours.

Just a quick little blog post today! It's been a busy weekend and week so I didn't have a lot of time to do a post today!

I am so ready for the semester to be over! I still have a lot to do but I'm hopeful I can get it done! I'm so thankful for my Savior...it's been a rough couple of weeks and I've been blessed with the people in my life that I need to get through them. I am grateful for the scriptures, and for the peace and comfort that they bring to me. They've been a blessing this past couple of weeks, but especially this past week. I am grateful for the fact that I have gotten through this semester. It's been soo rough, guys....But I've had my Savior to rely on, and the most amazing and wonderful roommates and friends. I've really been blessed. I have honestly felt so loved this semester and this school year, which I am so grateful for. I know that God loves me, and I am so grateful that He lets me start over again.

Daniela said something in her lesson today that was a quote from her grandmother, and I really, really loved it. She said, "You're gonna do a really hard thing, but you're gonna do it really, really well." I absolutely loved that!! Life is a really difficult thing, and sometimes we go through really difficult trials, and oftentimes we don't know why. But we are able to get through it, and we are able to use it to make us someone better than who we currently are.

In Relief Society today, I wrote down something that I really loved and wanted to share. These are just some of my thoughts based on what we talked about today.

"Love is sacrifice. I can sacrifice my temptations, and I can show Him that I love Him more than the desire to give in to my temptations." "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." ~Olaf (Frozen) And since I love the Lord....I am going to put Him above everything else.

Megan said something in her testimony that I loved. She said, "Not only is the gospel something we live, the gospel is something we can be." I love that!! She is such an amazing person!! I love her so much and am so grateful for her love, sacrifice, service, and friendship!!

I am so grateful for the lessons today!! I heard and learned what I needed to hear, and I made new commitments that I am optimistic I can keep!

I am so grateful for the progress that I've made in my final projects for school. I think that I will be able to finish them adequately well and in time.

I am grateful for the brief chance I had to chat with/FaceTime a few of my siblings tonight. Crazy though they are, I really do love them and am so grateful for them.

I am so grateful for all of the people in my life. I am grateful for blessings, and for miracles. I am grateful for honestly good, down-to-earth people who come into my life right when I need them, and who make my life so much happier.

I love the Lord. I love my Savior. I am grateful for His Atoning Sacrifice, and I am grateful for His love. I am grateful for the chances that I have been given to start again, and I am grateful for the love and support that I receive from my friends and family. I am looking forward to finishing out this school year and to starting my summer job (starting in June) at BEAR LAKE!! I am going to be working at a scout camp with my friend and I am so excited!! It's going to be amazing!! Going back to school in the fall will be super fun because I am so close to being done with my schooling! I only have two semesters left after this one!!

I have learned so much from going to school. Honestly, I've really kind of doubted me even needing to go to school, because I've been thinking, "I'm just going to go back to like, watching kids or whatever. I don't really think this education is necessary." But these past couple of weeks, I have been learning a lot that I didn't know before, and I have been looking into different internship possibilities, and I am actually interested in a couple of different things than I originally thought. And I have been thinking that, even if I don't end up using my education, it will be helpful for me in the long run because I will always have human interactions, and I will always need to know how people work. So I am grateful for my education, and for the time that I have spent here at BYU.

I am also grateful for the memories I have made. I have met so many people who have all blessed my life in one way or another. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't gone to college....and honestly, I don't think I want to find out. I love who I am. I am learning, and growing, and standing on my feet. I am making mistakes, and trying again, and finding people, and loving people, and accepting people, and showing people what they mean to me. I am taking other broken and mending people and I am helping mend them. And they, in turn, are helping mend me. That's what love is all about.

Xoxo
Mattie

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."

I'm not perfect.

Sometimes people get on my nerves and I get really annoyed. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I do. I try not to let it show, but sometimes my temper gets the best of me, and my words come out biting, short, clipped. I wonder how it makes them feel. Does it bother them? Can they ever tell? Is it all in my head, and I just think it's obvious and sounds that way? I think sometimes they can tell. It makes me feel bad, using my words in a not-so-nice way. I know how it feels. I know how it hurts. But tempers are a fickle thing, and I'm only human. So I'm bound to make a mistake, have a misstep. All that really matters is that I repent and try again. And again. And again. Thankfully, my Savior is there to give me a hand. I couldn't do it without Him. Someday, I'll be perfect. But, for now, I'll just apologize and try again.


Church today was amazing!!

The choir sang today and it was so good!! I got a lot of compliments on the beauty of the piece, and how it brought the Spirit, and that made me feel really happy, because that is the point of my calling, and the point of the choir's musical numbers: to bring the Spirit. So when I get people thanking me, and telling me the choir sounded beautiful, it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm making a difference. :)

The topic in sacrament meeting today was conversion. There were a few things that were said that really stood out to me. Conversion takes time; it's a process. Being converted and having a testimony aren't necessarily the same thing. The Lord expects us to have faith, and we must do all we can to fortify ourselves spiritually.

In Sunday School, we talked about the pioneers. Someone said that a major part of understanding our trials is by being humble enough to ask God why we have these trials. Trials force us to be less complacent in life, and make a decision. Nate shared a quote that I loved, "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company", and I feel like the beginning portion in italics can be applied to us. The price we pay to become acquainted with God is worth it, and is a privilege to pay. It's so amazing that He trusts us and loves us enough to let us become acquainted with Him!

Relief Society was awesome! My roommate shared a few questions that I loved and think can apply to life in a lot of different ways:
-Are you trying to do this by yourself?
-Do you need to?
-Will you let Him help you?
She said that we are yoked to Christ, and He goes one by one, step by step, and from grace to grace.

There is a mission for us. There's a mission for me. And a mission for you. We are all here for a purpose. God wants us to try and, He wants us to work hard. And He will be there for us, and He will bless us.

I'm so thankful that I have learned so much this past month, from General Conference, and stake conference, and ward conference. There has been a lot I've learned, and needed to hear, and needed reminders of. I'm needed here. I'm loved. I'm wanted. And I need to learn to love and accept myself. I'm working on it, and I think it's going really well.

I hope you have a wonderful Sabbath Day! I love you and wish you the best week!

Xoxo
Mattie

Turn to Him.

Why?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we procrastinate important things in our lives?
Why do we struggle with change?
Why do we struggle with decisions?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Or say?
Or do?
Why do we stress and worry about things we literally can't control?
Why do we worry about the future instead of focusing on the here and now?

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these feelings. I'm sure you probably have, to some degree. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. And I realized some of the answers a little bit. Because we're concerned with the world. Or we're concerned with the future (which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but sometimes we take it too far). Or we think we're not good enough, we're not as good as so and so. Or sometimes we just care about other people, and their opinions are important to us, and so we care about their opinions of us. As a society, we care a lot about appearances. We care a lot about making the right decisions for our future now. Or we have a lot of things due (or to do) on the same day and we can't figure out which ones to focus on and we struggle with focusing on them and getting them done. And that can be stressful. Life is stressful. Friendships, relationships, dating, school–it's all stressful. But I was thinking about something in sacrament meeting today that kind of helped me relax and calm down a little.

It's been a crazy busy week, but somehow I made it through. Grateful for my Savior, who has blessed me, I know. Grateful for the chances I've had to study my scriptures almost every day this week. Grateful for all of the homework I've been able to finish. I was really stressed this week and wanted to just not do anything because I had so much to do but I needed to do my homework. I also didn't think I had time to study my scriptures because I've had papers to write, and assignments to read. But I paused, and took the time to study, and ponder, and pray, and I am so glad I did. That is the reason I was able to get through this week. Because I took the time to speak to, and listen for my Heavenly Father. And because I did that, He blessed me. I've struggled trying to focus this week because I've had so many papers to work on, but the last couple of days I've been able to focus more, and get a little bit more done. It's hard to focus on one paper when you have multiple papers all due on the same day, but, a President Monson has said, and that I have found to be true this week, "Life is hard by the yard. By the inch, it's a cinch!" I know that as we slow down, and take things one project or paper at a time, we will be able to focus, and progress, and get things done in a timely manner. I also know that as we take time to study our scriptures, we will find time to do all the things we have to do.

Taking time for the spiritual things might seem like a waste of time sometimes, but once you do, you will realize that you will have the ability, focus, and time to do all of the things you want to and need to do. You will be blessed with strength and will be able to concentrate on your tasks at hand.

Sister Maughan said some awesome things in her talk in sacrament meeting today! I just wanted to share a couple of things that we can do to come to Christ:
-We need to be all in.
-We need to stand up on the inside.
-Pray daily. Develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven and His Son.
-Learn to love the scriptures and study them.
-Heavenly Father is watching over us. Sometimes we need to experience things for ourselves. We are more capable than we know.

Bishop had some amazing things to say, too! He talked about prayers and answers, and also about trials and how to deal with them. He said that we increase our faith by fasting for a purpose and having meaningful prayers. He also said that faith is an important ingredient in prayer. Sometimes we just need to move forward in life though. Every individual is responsible for their own happiness, he said. Cultivate a spirit of happiness, and don't belittle or blame yourself. Believe in yourself, and your capacity to do things. Sometimes we just don't receive answers to prayers, but we need to keep moving forward.

Megan said something great in her lesson today. She said something to the effect of, "God is always there for us. Just because we can't see him sometimes doesn't mean He's not there. It's up to us to find Him in our lives. Every time we take the time to look for Him, we'll find Him."

I've been trying to take some time for me lately. I have kind of been feeling...not lost, exactly...but like I'm wandering, floating in the vast space of 'being' (which, I mean, I guess is true, since we're all floating in space, but that's not the way that I meant it). I feel like I'm struggling to fit in. And I mean, I have friends, and it's great fun, but I just feel a little bit out of place, and like I'm just not socializing enough. Anyway, I've decided that I need to find myself (Again. I keep forgetting, and losing myself, apparently. Or I just need to be a different me every school year. Either that, or I just have not really found myself). And I need to focus. I have been struggling with focusing lately. I don't know why that is, but I do know that it has been better when I've been studying my scriptures, and praying, and getting sleep. When all of my papers were just kind of dropped on me like a bomb, it was bad. I was worrying, and worrying, and I was jumping from paper to paper because I couldn't focus on any of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, or how I wanted to talk about it (for being someone who loves writing and talking, sometimes I sure don't know what to say). But about midway through the week, something happened, and I just felt a whole lot better. I don't know what it was, but after Wednesday/Thursday morning, I've been able to focus just a little better. I'm grateful for the peace that I've had this weekend. It's been a little stressful, too, but mostly I've been feeling a lot better about my papers, and my schoolwork. Life is so hard, and can be so difficult and stressful, but I know that when we turn to God, and read His words, and listen to His Spirit, we're blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

Friends are blessings.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I have had such a fantastic weekend!! Which is perfect, since the past couple weeks have been kind of hard for me. On Friday night, I went bowling on a date, and it was super fun!! Saturday afternoon I babysat my friend's baby and it was so fun even though she didn't really do anything and I just held her the whole time (my arms, by the way, are dead/dying from the combination of bowling/baby-holding, but it was totally worth it because bowling was fun and she's super cute and I just love babies). 

Aaaaanyway. Church today was also pretty phenomenal. My thoughts during the sacrament today were mostly just grateful ones. I am just so thankful that my Heavenly Father blesses me with the greatest friends.

I am so grateful for amazing friends! There's nothing like them. They love me, care for me, think of me, and help carry me through hard and tough times. I am so blessed! They tell me things I need to hear, and it always comes from who I needed to hear it from. I'm so thankful that God knows me, and knows what I need. I'm grateful, too, for opportunities that I have to get together with friends that I don't get to see all that often. I'm thankful for a new week, and the chance to start over again. It's the last week before school starts for me, and I'm ready! Nervous, yes, but ready. 

Sacrament meeting was awesome! Jared said something today that I loved. He said something like, "God loves us, and understands, and knows that we can make it through." I think we remember this but forget it. By that, I mean that we subconsciously remember and know that He loves us and understands, and knows that we can make it through, but sometimes we consciously forget it until it's brought to our remembrance.
Our high councilman spoke to us today, too, and he said something that I loved and kind of needed to hear today. He said, "Life is not suspended when you're single." He said that all the things we're supposed to be doing now–reading our scriptures, praying, serving, etc.–are all things that we're supposed to be doing, regardless of your relationship or marriage status. I totally agreed with him and decided that I'm going to try and live that way. [As I was thinking about that sentence (Life is not suspended when you're single), I thought, "Life goes on," which reminded me of one of the songs we're practicing in choir, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" It's a really pretty song and I'm super excited!]


Gospel Doctrine was pretty amazing today, and Lauren shared this quote from Joseph Smith Jr. that I loved and wanted to share:  "Great blessings await us at this time, and will soon be poured out upon us, if we are faithful in all things, for we are even entitled to greater spiritual blessings than they [the faithful at the time of Christ] were, because they had Christ in person with them, to instruct them in the great plan of salvation. His personal presence we have not, therefore we have need of greater faith." I just really liked this quote. We have so many blessings that await us! As long as we are faithful, we'll be able to receive them in due time. God will bless us for our efforts, and He will guide us and be there as we go through hard times.

Relief Society was wonderful! Props to my roommate Kiera for her awesome lesson. :) 
The topic for today was, "Each of us can do hard things as we involve the Savior in our lives." We started off with a question:
Why do we go through trials? 
Some answers that we gave were:
-We appreciate things more if we have worked for them. So, by working hard to be who we are meant to be, we will appreciate who we become more than if we just were handed that portion of ourself.
-They encourage us to draw closer to our Savior. I know that, personally, when things get super hard, I tend to turn to my Savior more often.
-Trials help us see who we've always been. Trials put us through the refiner's fire, and it's just polishing us up, burning out the imperfections. We've always been a child of God.
-To help us empathize. I know that sometimes it's hard for other people to empathize with others, but if we've gone through similar experiences, it tends to bring us closer together.

And then added a second:
Why don't we involve the Savior in our trials?
-It's hard to ask for help. Sometimes, asking for help makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel like I'm not strong enough, or that I'll be seen as a weak person for asking for help.
-We think we don't deserve it. Sometimes I feel dumb for asking for help for things that I'm going through because I know that sometimes they were brought upon myself, and sometimes I don't think I'm worth it.
-My struggles aren't as bad as someone else's. This one is a big one for me. I sometimes don't ask for help because I know that there are other people who have challenges that are worse than mine, and I don't feel like I should ask for help; I should be able to deal with it on my own because it's not that bad.

"If it's important to you, it's important to me." If we struggle with it, and it's important to us, it's important to Him, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. We are all different people, and we all struggle with different things–sometimes we struggle with the same or similar things but in different ways, and that's okay, too.

We need to allow the Savior to help us. Sometimes it's hard, but it's also worth it. It's worth having His help. It's worth not going through it alone. Having someone who knows EXACTLY how I feel, and who knows how I've been struggling with certain parts of the situation, is SO HELPFUL. It makes me feel like I'm not alone–which I'm not–and it makes me feel like I'm valued, and important–which I am. This past month (August) has been really hard for me. I had my first breakup, and it was really hard, and I didn't really understand, and I just wasn't sure it was ever going to get better. But as I've talked with my friends, and turned to my Savior, I've been able to work through it. They've been so helpful and supportive. And yeah, my roommates and friends were right. It is getting better. Somedays it's still hard, but this weekend has been awesome. I think that baby-holding is therapeutic–for me, at least. :)

Heavenly Father blesses me every day. I am so thankful for Him. Nothing makes me feel better than to know and realize that my Heavenly Father loves me so much, He sends me awesome friends, and He sends me amazing messages of love through those friends. What a blessing my friends are. And what a blessing my Savior is to me. I am so thankful to call Him my friend. 

Xoxo
Mattie

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I loved church today!! There were lots of great messages today but I am going to focus on two sets of thoughts I had today. The first during the sacrament, and the second during Sunday School.

"Thy will, O Lord, be done." That was the last line of the sacrament hymn. I know we want things to happen in our own way and time. I know–there are so many things I want right now. But I'm learning to let go, and be patient, and take things one step at a time (like in this song). Things will happen when they're meant to happen. And actually, this topic reminds me of something I said on Facebook a year ago: "Dreams are crushed. Hopes are dashed. Life is shattered. But only when you put them on your 'this is going to happen this way' pedestal and wish for it to be that specific way only. When you give a little room for them to grow and develop, dreams are built. Hopes are known. Life is changed."  Life is honestly no fun if you're always stressed and worried about things you can't control. And I know it's hard to not, but I've learned that by taking things one day at a time, and focusing on the present, it's easier to not be stressed and worried. It's not like the stress and worries goes away–and I'm sure there will always be parts of me that are stressed and worried–but for now, I'm trying to tame them. It's been hard, but I've been able to depend on my Savior, who strengthens me, and my Heavenly Father, and They've sent me people to help my life not be so stressful, and to help make life more fun and enjoyable. Life certainly isn't perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

In Sunday School we talked about trials, and where God is when we're struggling, and it reminded me of this quote that Chris shared in his talk during the sacrament. It's by C.S. Lewis, and I'm sure you've heard it before: "Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." Someone in class said, 'trials make you bitter or better.' You get to decide. Clarissa asked what our hardest trial was, and what we learned or gained from it. I said that, in my hardest and greatest trial, I not only found God, but I found love. One of the reasons that the trial started was because I didn't feel like I was loved. I just didn't feel like I was loved or important. Through this trial, however, I came to realize who I was. Who I am. How valued and important I am. And I not only found the love of God and my Savior for me, but also the love of friends and family. Which are all important, but most importantly I found love for myself, and even though I still struggle sometimes, I am learning to love myself, and love who I am. It's not perfect, and some days I forget, but I am trying. And I do love myself. I love who I am. I love my quirks. I know people don't understand or follow me most of the time, but I'm learning to not focus on that, and to just be me. Because even if they don't understand, they still accept me, and they still love me. Which is the most important thing–having friends who accept me and love me for who I am.

I am blessed. I'm blessed to have been through all sorts of things that have helped me see what is important to me, and that have helped me see who I am. I'm grateful to have struggled, and learned how to be patient, and how to grow. I'm grateful to have been able to grow closer to my Savior. I'm grateful to have been able to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes I wonder if there was any other way I could have gained these lessons, because it has been the hardest trial of my life, and I am not sure if I will ever fully be free from it, but I do know that there were a couple things that I wouldn't have learned without it, and there are things I wouldn't be able to understand or stand for without it. So I wouldn't have it any other way, and I am grateful. For what I've learned, and for who I've become. I'm stronger, and I've grown closer to my Savior than I ever have been. I've learned to love people more–for and despite their faults and flaws, because I've been in such deep trenches that I couldn't see the light of day, and all I wanted most days was someone to love me, and show that they cared. And so I want to be that person for others. I don't want anyone to feel like I did. Like they weren't loved. Weren't important. Weren't valued. Weren't wanted. Because they're not. They ARE loved. Important. Valued. Wanted. Just like me.

Xoxo
Mattie