The light keeps shining through.

It has been quite a busy few months. I finished up my last semester at Ensign in December, so I was extremely busy working on my schoolwork for the months prior to that.

In addition to that, Ricky and I have had an emotionally difficult couple of months, and though I am not sure I want to be sharing everything in detail quite so soon, I do think it is an important topic of conversation and I want to prevent others from experiencing the long, drawn out experience we had.

Content Warning: Miscarriage, Pregnancy loss, Grief

To make a long story short ("Too late!" ~ Clue), we did an IVF transfer at the beginning of October and received a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. We went in for an ultrasound at the clinic on the 24th and the doctor was a little concerned because it was measuring a little bit behind. He said I might experience a miscarriage if I encounter any bleeding in the next two weeks before the follow-up ultrasound. I did experience a tiny bit of bleeding the week of the appointment, but it wasn't as much as I thought it should have been for a miscarriage, so I was hopeful.

When we went back on the 7th, we were told that the embryo wasn't growing and was no longer viable. We were devastated, and I was given the option to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage, or I could take medicine to help the process along. I wanted to wait for my body to handle the miscarriage. The doctor recommended waiting two weeks and scheduling another ultrasound to make sure everything was clearing up safely. 

So I scheduled another ultrasound with a place closer to us and after a week, I was concerned because a) I hadn't experienced any additional bleeding whatsoever, and b) in my mind, the embryo had stopped growing even before our first ultrasound, which means it had already been about two weeks, so I should have started bleeding.

I messaged the clinic and asked if I should keep waiting til the ultrasound, and they said I should, but I didn't feel right about that. I was able to get my next ultrasound appointment moved up and be seen earlier. 

I thought I would be able to get the medicine prescribed at that appointment, but the doctor was concerned because it appeared I had a blighted ovum and she was worried about me hemorrhaging. So she recommended an OBGYN and I was able to see them on Friday–the day I was originally supposed to have the ultrasound anyway. She was able to prescribe me the medicine, and I took it the next day (November 22), and everything happened so quickly after that, I was grateful I didn't have to carry around the stress and weight of waiting for it to clear up any more. 

If I could go back and do it over again, I would ask for the medication upfront. If I couldn't take the medication first, I would make sure that I scheduled an ultrasound with an OBGYN. I didn't realize that the ultrasound place I had contacted wasn't an actual OBGYN office, nor that they wouldn't have an OBGYN in the office. 

I tried to fight for my health because from the first ultrasound to when I passed everything was just shy of 30 days. That is TOO LONG for my body to have my empty gestational sac inside when there was no yolk sac or anything else to be seen in it. I felt like I couldn't move forward with grieving and accepting I wasn't pregnant anymore until I was sure that everything was gone. 

I wanted to share my experience because I had no idea what to expect from this experience, and going back and forth from the clinic, to the ultrasound place, to the OBGYN office, made it really difficult for anyone to know exactly what was going on in the first place, but it also made it really difficult for me to be able to get any real answers. Next time, I will take the medication and go ahead and be seen by the OBGYN right from the start. 

So for anyone who experiences a miscarriage in the future (myself included), I want you to know several things:

1. I am here for you, always.

2. You can take the medication–it's okay.

3. Make sure that, if you need to schedule an ultrasound, you schedule it with an OBGYN office.

4. It's okay to take a day–or two, or three. However long you need. 

5. It wasn't your fault.

6. YOU ARE LOVED. 💜

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On December 30, 2025, I posted this to my Facebook page, but I also wanted to share it here:

One of my favorite movies about grief and loss that I think is a great depiction of grief and loss is The Starling, which can be found on Netflix. It stars Melissa McCarthy and has comedic elements but isn’t a comedy. 

My favorite quote from the movie reflects exactly how I’ve been feeling: “‘Cause everybody’s rolling along, living their lives like nothing happened, you know? And I’m saying, “Stop.” ‘Cause I wanna get off for a little bit.” 

My miscarriages were early, and we didn’t get a chance to know our babies, but our loss is still real, and I loved the way this movie shows the ups and downs of grief. 

Moments of productivity and determination. Moments of pain and despair. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps backwards. Trying to find connections. Trying to keep moving forward with the world when all I want to do is sit and cry and stay in the moments when I didn’t know it was over. The moments when I could plan for our baby’s future. 

I have more to say but am still thinking about how I want to say it. I just wanted to be honest about how HARD the last two months have been for me and how I’ve been in a fog but I’m starting to see some light. The fog keeps coming back but so does the light. I’m trying and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and loving. I don’t really want to end (or start) the year sad, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m doing a lot better than I was, but I’m still healing. Thank you for being so kind.  #grief #loss #love

This past holiday season was more difficult than I anticipated. At first, the season was perfect. We read about the different names of Jesus each day of the month, watched fun Christmas movies, and shopped for each other. Christmas Day was lovely–we spent the morning opening presents from each other and then we went to spend the rest of the day at my parents'.

When we got home, Ricky went out walking, and I stayed home and crocheted and watched more Christmas movies–I was having such a great time. 

But at some point...I just got so sad and mad. I was looking forward to announcing our pregnancy. I had such a cute idea planned. I was also upset because I should have had a toddler, too. It would have been their first "real" Christmas. I watched my nephews have such a fun day and my heart ached because my baby should have been there, too. I should have been watching MY baby play with their cousins. 

So, to help me heal and finally make something FOR my babies, I decided I wanted to make them stockings that we can hang every year to remember them. So I made one stocking at the end of the year and started the second, which I finished this weekend. I want to put their names on them, but was having trouble figuring that out the way I originally wanted to do the names, so I have to do some more thinking about that first, but their stockings are done. 💜

Stockings I made for our babies.
Pattern: Bead Stitch Christmas Stocking

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Here are two poems I wrote today–one takes pieces from my Facebook post, and the other is kind of a chiasmus poem that I'm really proud of. 💜

Moments

Life is full of moments–

moments of pleasure and delight,

moments of productivity and determination,

moments of pain and despair. 

Every day is different. 

Every moment is different. 

Every day that passes

shapes us into who

and what we are meant to become.

But some days feel like

one step forward, 

three steps backward. 

Trying to find connection.

Trying to move forward with the world

when all I want

is to sit and cry–

to stay suspended in the moments

before everything changed.

The moments when I didn't know

it was over.

The moments when the future felt certain,

when I could plan your life

before I ever held you.

Those moments still live in me–

tender, unforgotten,

etched into my heart

through grief.

These moments have passed–

as moments always will–

but live forever in my heart,

never far gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yearning Moments

We wanted you

from the moment

you implanted,

before we discovered

you were lost. 

Every moment after

that positive test,

we wanted you.

You were not

long in this world,

but you live on

in loud hopes,

dashed dreams,

aching memories,

and yearning moments.

We never heard

your little heartbeat,

and we never saw

your little form,

but we still loved you.

Grief captured us

the way you

were supposed to–

quickly and loudly,

panicked and unexpected–

but it stayed 

longer than you. 

We wanted you

every moment after

that positive test.

You were lost

before we discovered

you implanted–

from the moment

we wanted you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My plans and wishes for this year involve family history, temple work, and scripture study. I want to understand my covenants with God more, and I love that we are studying the Old Testament this year because the Old Testament is all about the covenants God makes with His children.

My word this year is "STRIVE/STRIVING". I'm striving to trust God, even when I fall short. I keep trying, even though it's been difficult. I'm striving to see the light, though the fog keeps rolling in. But I'm grateful that the light keeps shining through. 

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and that you have a wonderful year with your families.

I know that God is real, and that He loves us. Even when we feel lost and alone, He is always with us. I love you, too, and am so thankful for your presence in my life. I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

Forge ahead in faith.

Happy Independence Day!

It has been quite a few weeks (almost two months! 😬🙈) since I last posted on the blog. It has been a very busy summer!

Our trip to Florida was AMAZING!! Super fun and the perfect first anniversary trip! We had an amazing time and it was so good to see Ricky's parents for a bit!

After we got back from our trip, I was able to begin working full-time at my job, which has been a blessing in many ways! We were able to buy a new car recently that was within our budget and had a few of our must-have features. Ricky's job downsized their HQ department, so he started a job search and found a new job relatively quickly that is closer to where we live and pays a little more. We are looking at several different housing options for this next year (come August) and have come across a few prospects of which we hope at least one will work out!

We have been very, very blessed this summer, and I am so grateful!

I have had many opportunities to work on some of my crafting/projects, which has been good for me creatively. I have had plenty of time to read, which has been sooo nice! I love getting into a new universe through books! And this last week especially I have taken time to do some indexing work, which has been really cool! I came upon someone with my same name spelling yesterday, which was totally awesome! 

I have been working on making time for my scripture study and personal prayers, and I am so grateful for the messages and answers that are found in the scriptures. I am grateful for the peace that my personal study time brings, and I am grateful for the blessings of the temple. We had the opportunity to go walk around the temple grounds a few weeks ago, and I can't wait for us to be able to go inside again! We just need to figure out the best day and time for us to go together (and I need to find my recommend...😬🙈).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a lot of time during church today to ponder, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts.

These things I know:

• God loves me.
• Jesus Christ died for me.
• The temple brings me peace.
• Reading the scriptures brings the Spirit into my life, and gives me clarity.
• The prophet speaks to us from God.
• The Atonement is real, and is for more than just what we have done wrong. It is for our pains and sorrows–both physical and spiritual. 
• The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. His teachings and ministry on Earth during His life are an outline, guideline, for how we should live our lives. 

There are things I do not know, especially pertaining to the life after this one. But this I do know: God loves us! And He has asked us to:

1) Love God; and

2) Love our neighbor like ourselves. 

I firmly believe that the answer to life's problems is love. As Elsa says in Frozen, "'Love will thaw'. Love! Of course." If people were more willing to love everyone, no matter their background, race, religion, etc.,  I believe that life would be better for everyone. We would feel more compassion towards each other, and 

I saw a quote today from then-Elder Russell M. Nelson that I loved. He said, "All that the Fall allowed to go awry, the Atonement allowed to go aright." 

During Sunday School, we were chatting about some things that the Lord asks us to do, and Kim said they don't always turn out the way we thought they would, but sometimes it's more about seeing if we were willing to do what God asked us. "Are you willing to put (fill in the blank) aside and serve and follow the Lord as He asks you?" Are we willing to make the sacrifices that He asks us to? Are we willing to forge ahead in faith when we do not know the outcome?

I was thinking today about how hard it is sometimes to make changes, and how hard some trials can be. I decided that I need to take things one day at a time...one moment at a time...one choice at a time. And even though some trials of life are more difficult, and longer-lasting, than others, God will be with me no matter the trial. So as long as I keep following His will for me, and doing what He asks of me, I know that He will make a way. 

I know that God loves you very much. I do too! I hope you have a great week!

Xoxo

Mattie

The focus of our lives should be on Jesus Christ.

I’m loving this new year already!

I've been striving really hard this week to study my scriptures every day, and I am proud of my progress. :)

Two of my brothers were ordained to advancing offices in the Aaronic Priesthood and I am so proud of them! My little brothers are growing up so fast and are such sweet and smart little dudes!

This week was a bit of a challenge in some ways, but I am grateful for the lessons that I learned through those challenges. I learned that nothing is worth mental, emotional, or physical agony. I learned that communication is a two-way street, and as much fun as texting is, the important conversations need to be had in person.

In Relief Society, we talked about Elder Holland's October 2019 General Conference talk entitled "The Message, the Meaning, and the Multitude". There are five main points that he explores in his talk that we discussed.

• Surround yourself with spiritually sensitive people.
• I loved this! These 'spiritually sensitive people' don't have to be of your same beliefs or faith. It is possible to be surrounded by spiritually sensitive people of many different beliefs and faiths. As long as they are uplifting and allow you to do and be what you believe you need to do and be, they can be a spiritually sensitive person for you.
• In the commotion, fix our attention on Him.
• In the commotion of life, we need to fix our attention on Him. He is the Light of the World, and He will keep us grounded and sure.
• We must focus on the Savior in the temple.
• The temple is a wonderful and beautiful place. We go there first to make our own covenants, and then to help others make their own covenants and remember our own. We go to focus on the Lord, and to respect Him, and to remember His gospel.
• The real reason for revelatory adjustments is to focus on Christ.
• There have been many adjustments in the Church recently, and they are helping us to remember the heart of the gospel, which is that it is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and this is His Church. We must never forget that. That is why there have been many changes recently. They are helping us to focus on the Savior.
• Learn from the First Vision Jesus' divine identity.
• Heavenly Father said to Joseph, "Joseph, this is my Beloved Son. Hear Him!" Jesus is the Son of God. Elder Holland said it best: "No greater expression of Jesus’s divine identity, His primacy in the plan of salvation, and His standing in the eyes of God could ever exceed that short seven-word declaration."

I am ever so grateful for my fiancé! We went to the temple yesterday and did some sealings and I just love going to the temple with him! Afterwards, he let me take some pictures of him! I am so excited to be marrying him and I get so emotional just thinking about it! I am so, so blessed to have been chosen by him! 💜

This week is going to be fun! I will make it fun! Looking on the bright side of things is something that I used to do when I was younger and I want it to make a comeback in my life.

God is so good, you guys! I love Him, and know that He loves you. This year will be an amazing one! Can't wait to experience it all with my best friend! 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

I can give more because He gave all.

At the start of the New Year, my mind kind of resets my daily schedule and I long for a new daily routine. Trying to keep up with said daily routine becomes difficult because there are so many things that I want to do in my new routine. But I have to start somewhere, so I've been delving into my scriptures this past week. It's been a blessing because I have been stressed about school starting this month but in studying my scriptures, and talking to my Heavenly Father, I have been a little more at peace with the starting of the new semester. I am looking forward to the new semester and I am excited to see where it takes me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week I was able to start studying the new Come, Follow Me manual, and as I was studying, I learned that being a disciple means to give my whole heart and soul to my Heavenly Father and Savior. Progressing in discipleship comes as I identify what I lack, and what I need to change, and how I seek to more fully follow Them. I learned that there is more I can do to turn to my Father in Heaven, and there is more that I can give. I can sacrifice my time for Him because He sacrificed His Son–who sacrificed His life–for me.

Jackson shared a poem in his testimony during fast and testimony meeting that I loved and I wanted to share it.

GETHSEMANE

In golden youth, when seems the earth,
A Summer land for singing mirth,
When souls are glad, and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight.
We do not know it, but there lays
Somewhere, veiled under evening skies,
A garden all must sometimes see,
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Somewhere his own Gethsemane. 

With joyous steps we go our ways,
Love lends a halo to our days,
Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,
We laugh and say how strong we are.
We hurry on, and, hurrying, go
Close to the borderland of woe
That waits for you and waits for me;
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,
Bridged over by our broken dreams,
Behind the misty caps of years,
Close to the great salt fount of tears
The garden lies; strive as you may,

You cannot miss it on your way.
All paths that have been, or shall be
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey soon or late,
Must pass within the garden's gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say:
“Not mine, but thine;” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass;” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.
Gethsemane, Gethsemane,
God help us through Gethsemane.
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

 I thought this was a beautiful poem and really loved the imagery and the peace and Spirit that I felt as Jackson read it, and as I reread it again just a few moments ago. I am so thankful for my Savior, who prayed and prayed and wept with me in mind; He prayed and wept FOR me, and I am so thankful that He was able to give me many more chances to try again. I am so thankful that, in times of loneliness and sorrow, I am able to have a comforting hand, and someone who knows exactly what I am going through.

"God is love." Someone said that in their testimony today. I loved it, especially because 'charity is the pure love of Christ'. So as we are being charitable, we are giving God and His love to those around us. I am so thankful that I have many opportunities each day and each week to bless the lives of those around me, and to show them not only my love for them, but God's love for them as well.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Xoxo
Mattie

I can #LightTheWorld by believing.

This week for Light The World, it's Light Your Faith. As we reach out to give as Jesus gave, we ultimately fan the flame of our own faith. This week, reflect on ways following Jesus Christ has brightened your life and discover a few more ways to light your faith. How can you #LightTheWorld by lighting your faith?

There are lots of different ways that we can light our faith! Here are a few ideas!

1. Attending church services! It's a great way to learn and build your faith. Every time I go to church, I always hear something that I needed to hear. It re-establishes my faith, and makes my testimony grow. It's good to hear other people's comments and testimonies, and that, again, re-establishes my faith, and gives me comfort. 

2. Reading the scriptures, magazines, and other Church-endorsed publications about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. I always learn something new every time I read the scriptures, or when I reread or listen to a conference talk. 

3. Pray! For what? Pray for opportunities to serve, opportunities to understand, opportunities to have faith, opportunities to grow...As we serve, understand, learn to have faith, and grow, our faith increases. I don't know how to explain it, exactly, but I will try:

As I am serving someone, and I realize that my service was something that they needed from me at that time, my faith grows. I realize that my Father in Heaven is using me to bless the lives of those around me because He believes in me, and He trusts me.

As I am beginning to understand more about my Savior's atoning sacrifice, my faith grows. I realize that my Savior died to save me, and He died to give me another chance to live with my Heavenly Father again.

As I am trying specifically to have and express my faith, my faith grows. I realize that sometimes, in order to light my faith, I have to use my faith.

As I am growing as a person, and learning more about how I can become a better person, my faith grows. I realize that God is leading me to be the best version of me I can be, and He is trusting me to bless the lives of His children with my love, service, and time.

4. Go to the temple! God blesses me when I go to the temple. I love to sit in the temple and ponder on different things in my life that I need guidance in. I often receive revelation that I wasn't expecting and I am able to use it to learn and grow. I am SO excited to be able to go through the temple in a couple of weeks! I know that God will bless me as I take this next step in following Him.

There are so many different ways to light your faith! I am grateful for the chances that I have to be able to test and strengthen my faith. I know that I am as stronger woman, and a stronger example to those around me, because of it.

I am grateful for the angels in my life. The thinness of the veil around the holidays is such a wonderful blessing. I know that I have people on both sides of the veil who are rooting for me, and who are blessing my life. This 5-minute fireside by Mercy River on the power of angels is beautiful! (I hope the link works!) Please enjoy!

Merry Christmas!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family! Remember the reason for the season.

I am so thankful for my Savior, and for His love and sacrifice. I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, who was willing to give His Son so that we could all return to live with Him someday. 

Xoxo

Mattie

He gives us peace.

I am so grateful for the week that I've had. Even though I totally did not do super great on my midterms this week, I know that I tried my best, and that's all that matters. I have another midterm this week, and there's some meetings I've got this week for a few different projects, but I think that I will do better on my midterm this week.

I've been reading The Book of Mormon every day this week, and one of my favorite verses in the books of Nephi has always been 1st Nephi 9:6, which says, "But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words." This is one of my favorite scriptures because it's a reminder to me that Heavenly Father has a plan just for me, and He is helping me find it. He's helping me through it. All of the things that I am going through...all of the things that have happened in my life...are leading me to who I need to be, and where I need to be.

Recently, I have decided that it's time that I focus on my testimony, and spiritual self. I am really excited–I have been working on it a for a few weeks and have already seen some blessings in my life.  I have been more in tune with the Spirit lately, and I have been feeling more at peace. This semester has been really amazing–I haven't had a lot of crazy weeks, and I've been on top of my homework like nobody's business. I'm really excited to be graduating at the end of this school year, and I have a few fun ideas for after I graduate.

I have a challenge for you guys. For my Preparation for Marriage class, one of our assignments is to do a bunch of little experiential assignments, and one of the options we had was to write a love letter to ourselves. We could only write positive things, and I learned a lot about myself. I challenge you to write a love letter to yourself. I promise that it will be enlightening about who you are, and I know that you will come to love yourself a little more as you think about your personality traits, attributes, and all of the beautiful parts of who you are.

I am so thankful for my Father in Heaven, who blesses me and loves me. He has inspired me to confront my fears, learn to love my flaws, and bless those around me despite what's going on in my life.

Church was amazing today! I learned a lot of things I need to do to improve myself and my attitude about certain things in my life. I was able to meet my new ministering elders today and they were so sweet and willing to give me a blessing. I am so thankful for the blessing! It was really special and sweet and I know that my Father in Heaven is listening and watching out for me. I know that He cares for me and wants what is best for me. That blessing was an answer to my prayers and I am so blessed and so thankful for the sweet blessing from my Father in Heaven.

I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I love the path that I am on in life right now. I am not perfect, and my life is not perfect, but right now I am doing what I need to be doing, and I am where I need to be.  Even though I don't understand some of the things that I am going through, I am so blessed to have loving Heavenly Parents who are there for me, and who have given me wonderful friends and family to depend on.

Philippians 4:7: "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Xoxo
Mattie

God loves. So I love.

What a week! It's been really crazy, and yet, overall it's been really great, and so easy. This semester has–for the most part–not been super stressful, which I appreciate greatly. Especially considering next semester might be slightly more crazy, especially if I end up taking as many credits as I have sitting in my cart currently (which is 18, fun fact).

I had the opportunity to go to the temple yesterday with my friend and it was absolutely the best thing!! It was exactly what I needed! I love going to the temple, and I especially love hanging out with my friends! Yesterday was like the best day ever! I got a lot of stuff done and I just felt really, really great! I'm so pumped for this week even though I've got like two tests opening on Thursday.

I have been on a social media fast for the last seven days, and I still have three more to go, but honestly, it has been the BIGGEST BLESSING in my life!!! That kind of shocked me, actually! I am absolutely in love with social media, and in keeping up with my friends and family, but these past seven days have been so wonderful! I've been more focused and on top of things. I also never thought that I would be able to actually do a social media fast, I love it so much. But I did! I'm so proud of myself!!

In the midst of my social media fast, I have filled my time with:

• homework
• scripture study
• listening to the Spirit
• communicating with my friends and family via text or in person
• going to the temple
• focusing on myself
• figuring out some of my goals for the school year
• realizing my potential, my purpose, and what I have to offer the world

Now, I'm not saying that I don't do those things when I am not on a social media fast, but sometimes it is a bit harder to do. I am excited to see where not only the rest of the semester takes me, but the rest of the school year! I have a lot of exciting plans for the next several months and I can't wait to see what happens! After my social media fast is over, I have decided that I still want to implement some aspects of the social media fast. I want to only go on at certain times of the day for a certain amount of time, and only if I do not have any major projects or assignments to do. I honestly spend SO MUCH of my time on social media. It's honestly a problem, and I've always known that, but this social media fast has really opened my eyes to 1) how bad it is, and 2) how I can overcome it.

God knows my heart. He knows how much good I have in me. And He knows what I have needed to help me realize my worth and potential. 

I have been thinking for about a year and a half about going through the temple, but I have had some things in my life that have made it hard for me to feel worthy, even though I have repented. This summer, as most of you know, I had the amazing opportunity to go work at a scout camp up at Bear Lake! Up until this social media fast, it was the biggest blessing in my life (though it honestly still is one of the biggest blessings in my life) because I grew so much this summer!! I absolutely loved being up at Bear Lake, even though work was crazy, I was always tired, and I didn't always feel like I got enough people interaction. 

ANYWAY.

The point of that little segue was this: while at Bear Lake this summer, I tried to focus on myself, and my relationship with God, and forgiving myself. And it worked. By the end of the summer, I finally felt like I could forgive myself, and I felt like I was finally starting to hear God speak to me again! I was elated and couldn't be happier! I felt like it wasn't quite so dark in my life anymore.

I had about three weeks from the time I got home to the time I had to go back to school, and I was SO excited to go back to school! I couldn't wait to get learning and finish up my college career and GRADUATE! Ah! I couldn't stand it. Finally, the semester started! I was still feeling good and thinking about going through the temple, but it wasn't entirely the focus on my mind anymore. I had started seeing this guy and was really excited about getting to know him more. In addition to that, I had many projects to work on for school. 

There came a point in the middle of September when I was starting to question (as I often do) my purpose in this life, and what I am here for. I never understand it, I feel like, but sometimes I question if I even have a purpose.

In the week before General Conference, I had a prompting to send some inspiring messages to some of my friends, and as I pondered messages to send, I couldn't help but hope that I wasn't crazy and that what I sent them was actually what they needed. Turns out, God is all knowing! And somehow I sent them exactly what they needed.

Remember that guy I was seeing? Well, after about a month and a half, the relationship ended. I was devastated, but couldn't wait for conference to start the next morning so I could feel God's love. I was hoping for answers for some things that I was thinking about–including going through the temple. And in the first talk, I received some answers. Eagerly I awaited each talk, and somehow, I found something in every. single. talk. That answered one of my questions. Even questions I hadn't written down.

And as for the questions that I struggle with daily: Am I really needed here on earth? Is there something I can do even though I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life as a career? Is there something I can do to help me not feel useless, and to help me realize my potential? Do I have a purpose right now, and even after now? 

I did have a purpose!! God needs disciples, and I am one of His disciples!! God needs people to minister to His children, and love them, and I am one of His ministers! I am someone who loves His children deeply! 

I give something to this world that no one else does: I give undying, endless love and compassion. No one loves like I do.

By the end of conference, I was feeling so, so loved, and I was feeling so warm and happy, and grateful. I realized that I am worthy enough to start preparing to go through the temple, and I realized that not only do I have a purpose in this life, but I am loved, too. I am loved by so many people. I realized that right now, what I need is to focus on my testimony, and my spiritual preparation and journey to go through God's holy temple. I needed to focus on ministering to those around me, and making sure that they know that they are loved. 

In this last week, I have received many more answers about other questions and goals that I have, and I am feeling good about going forward. 

I have been deeply afraid of a lot of things recently...but one of the lessons I have really learned and come to understand lately is this: God gives peace and comfort. And God knows you. He knows what you need, and He is always trying to help you understand what you need, and what He needs you to do. 

Today in Relief Society we learned about not being troubled, and my roommate gave an extremely profound comment that I loved. She said, "Fear drives us to Christ." I loved that. As we were talking about things that dispel fear, we discovered that the things that help the most to dispel fear come from God. And that our love for Him and His Gospel dispels fear. I do not need to fear anything about life. For one, I have God on my side. And for two, if I fear God more than I fear man (be in awe of His strength and power), and anything about life, I will be blessed to be able to work with God, and use my fear of Him to press forward steadfastly with faith, and bless His children. When I turn to Him, my fears fade away.

I know that God blesses us. I know that He sends us answers not only when we ask for them, but when we need them–even if we didn't know that that was a question we were seeking an answer for. I know that He loves us all–we are His children, and He created us. 

It's so easy to love other people, but it's a lot harder to love yourself. I've been working really hard on that since the summer, and even though I'm not perfect at it, I am in a better place today than I was then. I really do love myself, and I am blessed to be able to see past my imperfections most of the time. I hope to someday just honestly love myself fully for who I am like I do with my friends and family. That is my goal. I know that God is helping me learn to love myself and see past my flaws. I know that I see past my loved ones' flaws, and I see past a few of my own, but I still have a ways to go. 

I hope and pray that you all know that God loves you, blesses you, and wants what is best for you. I hope you know that I love you and pray for you every day, and that I wish only the best for you in life.

Xoxo

Mattie

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes.

My first week of my senior year of college is done!! It looks like it's going to be a good semester! Busy, yes, but good! I've been feeling a little under the weather the last couple of days, so that hasn't been fun, but I've been able to rest a lot this weekend, so that has helped a lot.

I've learned a lot this week!! In a lot of different aspects, but especially in the spiritual aspect. I've learned that God blesses you when you are trying to do your best. I have been trying to read my scriptures every day this week, and that made it easier to get through this first week of school, especially with me being under the weather. I have also been able to depend on my friends this week. That has been such a blessing. My roommate was able to give me a ride home from the concert I went to on Friday, and I was able to get a ride to and from my friend's reception yesterday from my friends who went to it as well. I was able to have some bonding time with my roommate this weekend, and that was fun. I have some adventures to look forward to this semester, and that makes me really excited! :)

This week has made me excited for the rest of the semester, but also a little nervous! Haha but I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay ahead of the game and that I'll be able to do my best. I am hoping that I won't need to do any homework on Sundays this year since I don't have classes on Fridays, and I can just work on my homework while I'm at work (#blessthecomputerlab), and then I can finish anything I don't get done on Saturdays. I know that God is looking out for me because I just felt like I needed more hours for homework last winter and so I tried to make sure that I would get more hours for homework this semester and it has worked really well so far! I finished all of Monday's homework and half of Tuesday's homework yesterday! So I'm going to try really hard to keep up with homework  this semester. And I'm going to make time for studying my scriptures each day.

I got a blessing earlier this week and in the blessing, I was told that Heavenly Father loves me so much, and as I turn to Him, He will help me with any trials I have. And as I try to be healthy, I will feel better and be healthier. I have seen that a little bit already, and I am excited to see it throughout the rest of the semester.

I'm really, really grateful for the things I've been through this week. They've helped me realize that God is looking out for me. I am so excited to see what this semester (and year!) will bring me!!

Life is meant for learning who you are.

This week I'm home for the Fourth of July!! I am so excited!! I'm grateful to have an opportunity to rest and relax, and spend time with my family! And I was able to see a bunch of friends from my ward at Cinnamon Tree this weekend and it was SO good to see them!! I really miss them!!

I'm so thankful for the opportunity I have to be working at Bear Lake this summer! It has been a real blast so far!! Difficult, yes. Trying, yes. But...it's super fun–the other staffers are great, and we have a lot of amazing times together. :)

I am so thankful for my Savior, and all that He has done for me. Since I've been at camp, some of my struggles have gone down a lot. They're still there, of course, but since I'm busy every day (and tired every day lol), and I've got a lot of things to do when I'm not working (reading, listening to music, writing, eating, watching movies or shows, talking with my friends up at camp, etc.), I am able to march through, and I'm able to stay strong.

I love the peace that I find at Bear Lake, and I love the spirit that I feel–there's an amazing feeling that I just can't describe. Reading the scriptures in the morning while the sun rises has been such a wonderful experience. There are several answers that I am hoping to receive this summer, and I am so thankful that I get to be out in nature, feeling peace, and the Spirit, and trying to figure things out–who I am, where I'm going, what I want to do with my life, why I am where I am when I am.

Humans desire and crave connections with other people. But we also crave a more spiritual connection–with the world, with God–with whatever you believe in. I am so thankful to be able to have the opportunity to spend time in nature this summer, and to feel my testimony grow, and to become more comfortable in who I am. That's what life is about, right? Learning to find and be comfortable with yourself.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this week, and I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer. I've already learned a lot about myself and I am excited to see what else I am going to be learning about myself, and about life in general.

An awesome God, wonderful adventures, fantastic family, and loving friends are all beautiful additions to–nay, are the reason for this amazing life that I call mine. I hope you all have a wonderful week!! <3

Xoxo
Mattie

Daily scripture study changes lives.

Man, what a week!! We had our first group of scouts, and it was crazy! But we did it!! We had a lot of challenges, as is expected with teen boys, but we learned and grew as a staff. Next week will bring more challenges and lessons but it will be worth it!

I have really been blessed this week as I've studied my scriptures each night. I'm able to get more out of my experiences here at camp, and I am able to be more in tune with the Spirit, as well as be more determined and capable of working hard. This week I've been reading in First Nephi Chapters 1 and 2. There are a couple of things that stood out to me that I thought were profound and wanted to share. 

One thing I noticed was that in chapter one, Nephi makes a statement that he is first going to be making an abridgement of his father's record, and then he will make his record. How awesome is that? Nephi was doing family history before it was cool. I recently finished a book series by Richard Paul Evans, entitled The Walk. And there is a part in one of the books where the main character's father writes the history of his family at least three generations back. And I just thought, "how cool is that?" Family history is becoming a worldwide thing. And Nephi did it before it was cool. 

In chapter two, Nephi says that the Lord "did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father". Which means that Nephi, at one point, did not fully believe. However, unlike Laman and Lemuel, he did not harden his heart, so he was able to be converted, and believe his father's words.

I know that daily scripture study changes lives. I've seen the impact that it has on not only my life, but my friends' lives. I've seen the wonderful changes in them that it has had. I'm grateful to have so many wonderful examples of how important daily scripture study is. And I'm grateful to be blessed with so many amazing people to love and look up to. I know they love me, too, even when we're miles and miles apart.

I'm really grateful for the scriptures. I'm grateful for Joseph Smith's sacrifices to translate the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for Mormon, and his dedication to abridging the book and making sure everything we would need is in there. I'm grateful for the pieces of truth that they hold, and for the ones that I've learned this week as I've studied them. I'm grateful for the light that they bring to my life. I'm grateful for the beauty of Bear Lake, and for my wonderful co-workers. I'm blessed each and every day by their examples, humor, service, and love. It's been a hard week but we've gotten through it together, and we all build each other up as often as we can. It's been an amazing experience and I can't believe we're going to be on week three this week!!

I'm grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for the love that He shows me each and every day. I'm grateful for the beauty of the world around me, and for the chance I have this summer to be surrounded. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for His sacrifice and love. Since it's Father's Day, I can't forget my own dad. I love him so much! I'm grateful for all that he does for me. I'm grateful for all the father figures in my life—my uncles, grandpas, and the other men in my life that I look up to. You are all wonderful examples of what real men are supposed to be like. Thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to treat the women in his life. Thank you for being willing to serve. And thank you for being willing to be soft and emotional, even when the world tells you you need to be tough and stoic.

I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Don't forget to wear sunscreen and drink water!! And remember who you are, and whose you are. God loves you very much and has many blessings in store for you. Be patient and remember that everything will work out in the end. Love you!! 💜

Xoxo
Mattie

That's all we can do.

Well my first week at camp is over!!! Man has it been a CRAZY week!! There's been a lot of things happening, but it's been really fun overall! I'm so tired and sore but I'm sure that it will get better in the upcoming week(s) as I get used to all the physical activity that my body is going through. 

There are a lot of things that I learned this week already! Here's a few of them:

1) It's difficult to cook for a ton of teenage boys!! They really like to eat!

2) All boys have the same sense of humor. They think they're so funny but after the first few times, my response is just a groan of annoyance. 

3) Every little thing will be all right. Somehow you'll make it through the day. 

4) Sometimes you have to take a day because you're not feeling well, and that's okay. It's better to rest and build up your strength than to run yourself weary. 

I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon from the very top this week. And I wanted to include the introduction, the testimonies, and the brief explanation of the Book of Mormon. And I discovered something I'd never noticed before. In the brief introduction, it states that, "The original title page, immediately preceding the contents pages, is taken from the plates and is part of the sacred text. Introductions in a non-italic typeface, such as in 1 Nephi...are also part of the sacred text." I had always known that the chapter headings were an addition to the book to let the reader know what's going on. I had little to no idea (AKA either absolutely no idea, or I hadn't consciously made the connection) that the title page and non-italic headings were actually part of the gold plates. I think that's so cool.

I was reading in Joseph Smith's testimony the other day and one thing that I noticed that I have never noticed before was the fact that Joseph actually saw Moroni go up into heaven! I think that that's so amazing! One thing that I really admire about Joseph is just how much he tried to obey God, and how hard he tried to learn from his mistakes. He wasn't perfect, but he really tried to do his best. And that's all that we can do. 

Don't give up. Just because you've made a miatake—big or small—doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. It's just a stumbling block...a learning curve/experience that will help you become a better person. Pick yourself up—or ask for someone to help you up—and try again. Because that's all we can do. Try again. We're not perfect, and we're going to make mistakes. Sometimes we'll make the same mistakes over and over again. Just remember: You are loved. God wants you to prevail. He loves you and trusts you, and wants you to come home to Him. And He is going to do all He can to make sure that you can come home if you want to. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Summer is always a great opportunity to try something new and to have a lot of fun! I'm grateful for the experiences that I've already had this week and I'm looking forward to having many more this summer! I hope you guys do something fun this week!! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

He can't answer us if we don't listen.

So, for the rest of the summer, until I'm back home from Bear Lake, my blog schedule and posting will be slightly different. I don't have wifi at camp, but we go to Garden City on Sunday for sacrament meeting, where there is wifi. I'm going to work on my blog posts on Saturday now, and post them on Sunday right after church, instead of working on them Sunday afternoons. I will still try to incorporate things I've learned in previous Sunday lessons, but mainly it will probably be a lot of just personal thoughts that I've had during the week as I've studied my scriptures and hung out with the scouts and staff. I don't entirely know, though, so we'll see what happens. :)

This week was CRAZY!! Not only was I still packing to prep for camp (which I left for on Friday), but it was the last week of school for my siblings, I volunteered to help at my brothers' school for field day, and my brother graduated from high school!! It was a fun week though! Lots of family time. :)

Today, I want to talk about understanding and recognizing the Spirit. In my Book of Mormon, I have a little note that I wrote awhile back. It says, "Have faith and try again". When I wrote it, I think I intended for it to be about my goal to be reading the scriptures and praying daily. While I still will apply it to that, it can be applied to almost anything. Are you struggling to be kind to someone who is always mean to you? Have faith and try again. Are you struggling to understand how to be patient? Have faith and try again. Anything you are struggling with–have faith and try again. With God, you can do anything you put your mind to.

As I was studying my scriptures last night, I wrote a few notes and wanted to share a couple of them. 

I was reading in Moroni 10:32, which says, "Yea, come into Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." And I was thinking to myself, Heavenly Father wants me to succeed. He wants all of us to succeed. He has given us all specifically what we need to succeed. But we have to go to Him. We have to do our part. He can't help us if we don't listen. 

Again, Moroni 10, but verses 4-5, which says, "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." And I thought to myself, You need faith and an open mind to be able to hear the Spirit and receive revelation and answers.

He can't answer us if we don't listen. And He can't answer us if we don't have faith. Having faith requires letting go of what you want and believe, and trusting that Heavenly Father will give us an answer. Sometimes it won't be the answer we wanted, but it will be the answer we need to succeed. Because that's all He wants for us. He wants us to succeed, and return to live with Him again. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! It's June! And summertime! And time-for-adventure time! Remember to be safe, and wear sunscreen when you're going outside. And remember that God loves you, and that I love you. Life is better when you have friends that you love and live for. 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

When we act, we are blessed.

What a crazy week it has been! Working on some last-minute homework, final projects, and prepping for the musical fireside tonight...it's been busy. But I've made it. I just have to finish up with the fireside and then start prepping for finals! I'm super nervous!! But I think it will be fine...I just have to stay focused and motivated.
There's a lot of things I'm going through/have been going through lately that have been really difficult, but as I've turned to my Savior, things have been better...I still have tons to work on...I have a lot to change to do better...and sometimes I still feel like I'm failing, and just taking steps backwards...but I know that as I am diligent in my personal scripture studies, life will go a lot smoother.

Church today was really insightful. I learned a lot...and I realized a lot...and I know what I need to work on in my life.

I wrote this thing down in my notebook during sacrament meeting that I originally wasn't going to share...but I feel the need to.

I am a human.I have flaws.
I have weaknesses.
I have strengths.
I have times that I win my battles.
I have times that I lose them.
Overcoming temptation is hard and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes it seems like I will never fully be able to overcome. I wish I could just QUIT but it's not that easy...it's taking me more time than I would really like.
During class later, I was thinking about something. One of my favorite things that I learned in conference was to trust God's timing. I don't know why this is something that I have been struggling with for a long time...and I am not going to lie, sometimes I feel helpless. Sometimes I feel like I am too far gone and that I will never be able to get back on the right path. Sometimes I feel like I will never get over it and that I will never get to be where I want to be, and where I know God wants me to and knows that I can be.But I hope and pray that as I am diligent in my scripture study, I will be able to have the help and hand of the Lord in my life.
I know that Heavenly Father loves me and forgives me when I repent...He has such faith in me. I am so grateful for that...I love Him so much and I wish that I could be the girl He sees. I wish that I could be the daughter that He deserves. I'm trying so hard, but sometimes I feel like I will never be that girl. 

I had a lot of personal realizations today. And it was hard. But...I've come so far. Even with my setbacks...and my steps backwards...I have come so far. It's hard to see sometimes...especially when I make mistakes...but luckily God gave me the best roommates. They see me for who I am, and they help me remember who I am, and whose I am. They love me so much and I don't know what I would do without them. They are exactly who I needed and I can't imagine my life without them. They remind me of my worth, my attributes, my strengths, my blessings. I am a completely different person today than I was before I met them. They have honestly changed my life, and I am forever grateful to them for that.

There is no one who is without problems. Some are more visible than others. And some are more personal than others. But no matter what–God will always, always, always, always love you. He will always be there for you. And He will make sure you have the opportunities you need to learn, and grow, and change, and become who He knows you can become.

I'm not sure what lies in store for me in the future...and it sometimes frightens me. I wish I knew what I am supposed to be learning through this extended trial. But I do know this: that no matter what, I can always turn to my Heavenly Father...and I can always turn to the people in my life. When I need them...they will be there.

I've set some new goals for this upcoming week, and I am hopeful that things will go well! One day at a time...I can do hard things. I don't know what's ahead...but I am stepping into the darkness with faith that, in time, I will know.

I just need to let Him in, and act. When we act, we are blessed. That is my plan this week. I am going to act. And I am going to stay strong. And I am going to do what He has asked me to do. And I am going to remember that I AM NOT MY MISTAKES. My mistakes do not define my worth. My worth just is–there is no changing it.

I am brave. I am bruised. I am capable. I am loved. I am a daughter of God. I am WORTH IT.

Xoxo
Mattie

Here in mortality, perfection is still pending.

I have been studying the scriptures with a friend for the past couple of days and it has been such a blessing! I am learning so much more than I usually do by myself as we talk and discuss the scriptures together. I am so thankful for her insights and love–we had a really awesome study session last night and I learned several new things that I am excited to incorporate into my life. One thing I am hoping to work on is not only being humble enough to trust Heavenly Father, but I also want to work on trusting Him enough to be humble.

We were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 67 last night, and in verse 3 it says, "there were fears in your hearts, and verily this is the reason that ye did not receive." I loved that because I thought it explained so much! Sometimes we don't trust Him enough, and we are more afraid...and that is why we don't get answers. Because fear comes from Satan, not God, and when we are afraid, we are essentially not trusting Him, so why would He give us an answer if we don't trust Him? Lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that I think I do not trust Him enough...which really makes me sad, but probably makes Him even more devastated. And even though I have been trying to work on it, I don't think that I have really been focused on it all that much. So that is one of my goals for this next week/the next couple of weeks. I know that with His help, I can do it. 

In sacrament meeting today, Aunica talked about four types of members, and specifically about the fourth type. She talked about how we need to give up our will, and be willing to do whatever God asks of us. We need to take the steps necessary to do His will. One thing that she briefly mentioned that I absolutely loved was the fact that it [meaning, for instance, our Sabbath day worship, our daily worship, etc.] only becomes for us when we let it be for Him. 

Brother Thompson talked about how we don't need to be perfect right now, we just need to strive to be perfect. He said, "Here in mortality, perfection is still pending." We have an opportunity to improve, and that's the goal–line upon line, precept on precept. 

I feel like a lot of the lessons I learned in church today complemented a lot of the messages that Haley and I studied last night, and I am so grateful for that. I am so thankful for the scriptures, and for the fact that she and I study the most amazing and perfect things for me when I need them, and I hope and pray that they help her when she needs them, too.

It's hard to accept the fact that sometimes, you don't know what is going on in your life. It's hard to accept that you don't know what is going to happen. It's hard to accept that sometimes, God trusts you to make decisions. My roommates and I were talking this morning about that, and Carrie said that sometimes, when you don't really feel prompted one way or another, that just means that the decision you're trying to make doesn't really make a difference one way or another. And it means that God trusts you. And I said, "Well, He trusts me more than I trust myself." And she said that maybe that means that I need to learn to trust myself more, and trust Him more. And she's right. I have been struggling recently with a lot of different things, and realized that I need to learn to accept His trust, and help, and I need to learn to be humble. I've been struggling to focus on lots of different things in my life right now so I am only going to focus on one thing right now, and that is my humility. I feel like, as I learn more about humility, and being humble, and as I become more humble, I will eventually also be able to trust Him more, so really it's like hitting two birds with one stone, just slowly. 

I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned this weekend. I am grateful for supportive and loving friends, and family. I am grateful for the resources that I have access to. I am grateful for the fact that I am here on Earth. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to learn and grow. I am grateful that I am able to go to school. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve those around me. I am grateful for the people in my life who help me remember who I am, and how strong I am, and how brave, and kind, and intelligent, and loved. I am grateful for those who do not let me degrade myself, and for those who lift me up when I am feeling down, and when I cannot lift myself up. I am grateful for those who remind me of Jesus Christ, and of what He would do. I am grateful for those who stand as witnesses of God, at all times, and for those who stand with me. I am grateful for those who not only love me, but let me love them. 

I can't believe that March is coming to a close soon! The semester is going by so fast! I hope that you have a wonderful week! Heavenly Father loves you!! 

Xoxo

Mattie

He is patiently waiting.

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to go home for Thanksgiving Break. It was much needed!! And even though I'm 100% not ready for the next 3 and a half weeks of school (and I'm super nervous about finals), I am 100% well-rested for the next 3 and a half weeks of school. So! That should carry me through the rest of this week. ;) But honestly it's been a fantastic weekend and it has been so relaxing to spend time with my family, and to not worry about school every minute of every day. :)

Life is tough. And decisions are hard. Mistakes are made ALL the time. And sometimes it feels like there is no turning back. But there is. God is there, patiently waiting (and I mean honestly, 100% patiently. No inward groans of "Why is she taking so long?" or "Who let him make that mistake again?" He honestly is just patiently waiting) for you to admit you made a mistake, or come to terms with your mistake and move on through the stages of repentance with His help.

Some of the ways that we can make less mistakes/sin less were talked about in a couple of meetings today, and I wanted to discuss a few of them. Also I had some answered prayers in Sunday School and Relief Society today, so that was absolutely wonderful!!

First thing we can do to help us make less mistakes to serve others. There are so many opportunities to serve all around us. We just need to pray for eyes to see, and opportunities to be there, and then we need to look and watch. They will be there. As we serve others, we won't be worried or focused on ourselves, and thus we won't make as many mistakes or sin as much.

Second thing we can do is to follow the prophet, and listen to our Heavenly Father, and obey His commandments as much as we can.

Third thing we can do is to read the scriptures. Specifically the Book of Mormon. Every day. Yep. I said every day. Or try to read it as many days in a week as you can. It's okay if you accidentally miss a few days. God understands. You should just be patient with yourself. You can't always have a perfect scripture studying record because you're human and you make mistakes. You forget things. It's okay. We've all been there. By reading the Book of Mormon daily (or mostly daily) you will be blessed with the ability to make better decisions. You will be immunized against the evils of today, and against harmful addictions like pornography. You will receive answers to your prayers. And you will receive hope. All these blessings were found in President Nelson's October 2017 Saturday Afternoon Session of General Conference talk entitled "The Book of Mormon: What Would Your Life Be Like without It?" It's an amazing talk and I need to go over it again because it is such a great talk! I'm so glad we talked about it in Relief Society today!

Fourth thing we can do (and the last one I am going to talk about today) is we can put on the whole armor of God. To do that, we need to:
1) Have our loins girt about with TRUTH. God's truth. By knowing His truths, we'll be able to run/go further in the gospel.
2) Have on the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS. One way to do that is to keep your covenants. This helps keep us on the right path to God. Truth and righteousness give us a solid base and keeps us where we need to be. Remember that sometimes, though, we will lose battles, but also remember that we haven't lost the war yet!
3) Have our feet shod with the Preparation of the GOSPEL OF PEACE. The gospel of peace is like the spirit/attitude of being a peacemaker. We need to prepare for all different kinds of trials and hard times that we might go through. Spiritually and physically.
4) Take up the shield of FAITH which helps us quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. Faith helps protect us from our doubts. Unlike a real shield in war, the shield of faith gets STRONGER the more you use it! So, use it often! The focus of our faith should be centered in Christ.
5) Put on the helmet of SALVATION. Salvation is an individual matter, and the Plan of Salvation is focused in Christ. He can help keep us safe.
6) Take up the sword of the SPIRIT. And the Word of God. The best way that we can fight Satan, and the darkness, is with the Spirit and the Word of God.

I am so thankful for the Book of Mormon! I've been having to read it for my religion class and it has blessed my life! I've seen amazing miracles happen in my life and I know it's because I've been studying the Book of Mormon. I know that God patiently waits for us to take steps in the right direction, and He will always wait for us to come back. I love this cartoon because I think it shows us who Jesus is. He really does love us and is ready and waiting for us as soon as we turn back to Him.

I had a really wonderful Sunday and am so grateful for the time I spent with my family. I am ready to finish this semester (hopefully!) and I am ready to go out with a bang!

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you have a wonderful week this week!

Xoxo
Mattie

Turn to Him.

Why?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we procrastinate important things in our lives?
Why do we struggle with change?
Why do we struggle with decisions?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Or say?
Or do?
Why do we stress and worry about things we literally can't control?
Why do we worry about the future instead of focusing on the here and now?

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these feelings. I'm sure you probably have, to some degree. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. And I realized some of the answers a little bit. Because we're concerned with the world. Or we're concerned with the future (which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but sometimes we take it too far). Or we think we're not good enough, we're not as good as so and so. Or sometimes we just care about other people, and their opinions are important to us, and so we care about their opinions of us. As a society, we care a lot about appearances. We care a lot about making the right decisions for our future now. Or we have a lot of things due (or to do) on the same day and we can't figure out which ones to focus on and we struggle with focusing on them and getting them done. And that can be stressful. Life is stressful. Friendships, relationships, dating, school–it's all stressful. But I was thinking about something in sacrament meeting today that kind of helped me relax and calm down a little.

It's been a crazy busy week, but somehow I made it through. Grateful for my Savior, who has blessed me, I know. Grateful for the chances I've had to study my scriptures almost every day this week. Grateful for all of the homework I've been able to finish. I was really stressed this week and wanted to just not do anything because I had so much to do but I needed to do my homework. I also didn't think I had time to study my scriptures because I've had papers to write, and assignments to read. But I paused, and took the time to study, and ponder, and pray, and I am so glad I did. That is the reason I was able to get through this week. Because I took the time to speak to, and listen for my Heavenly Father. And because I did that, He blessed me. I've struggled trying to focus this week because I've had so many papers to work on, but the last couple of days I've been able to focus more, and get a little bit more done. It's hard to focus on one paper when you have multiple papers all due on the same day, but, a President Monson has said, and that I have found to be true this week, "Life is hard by the yard. By the inch, it's a cinch!" I know that as we slow down, and take things one project or paper at a time, we will be able to focus, and progress, and get things done in a timely manner. I also know that as we take time to study our scriptures, we will find time to do all the things we have to do.

Taking time for the spiritual things might seem like a waste of time sometimes, but once you do, you will realize that you will have the ability, focus, and time to do all of the things you want to and need to do. You will be blessed with strength and will be able to concentrate on your tasks at hand.

Sister Maughan said some awesome things in her talk in sacrament meeting today! I just wanted to share a couple of things that we can do to come to Christ:
-We need to be all in.
-We need to stand up on the inside.
-Pray daily. Develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven and His Son.
-Learn to love the scriptures and study them.
-Heavenly Father is watching over us. Sometimes we need to experience things for ourselves. We are more capable than we know.

Bishop had some amazing things to say, too! He talked about prayers and answers, and also about trials and how to deal with them. He said that we increase our faith by fasting for a purpose and having meaningful prayers. He also said that faith is an important ingredient in prayer. Sometimes we just need to move forward in life though. Every individual is responsible for their own happiness, he said. Cultivate a spirit of happiness, and don't belittle or blame yourself. Believe in yourself, and your capacity to do things. Sometimes we just don't receive answers to prayers, but we need to keep moving forward.

Megan said something great in her lesson today. She said something to the effect of, "God is always there for us. Just because we can't see him sometimes doesn't mean He's not there. It's up to us to find Him in our lives. Every time we take the time to look for Him, we'll find Him."

I've been trying to take some time for me lately. I have kind of been feeling...not lost, exactly...but like I'm wandering, floating in the vast space of 'being' (which, I mean, I guess is true, since we're all floating in space, but that's not the way that I meant it). I feel like I'm struggling to fit in. And I mean, I have friends, and it's great fun, but I just feel a little bit out of place, and like I'm just not socializing enough. Anyway, I've decided that I need to find myself (Again. I keep forgetting, and losing myself, apparently. Or I just need to be a different me every school year. Either that, or I just have not really found myself). And I need to focus. I have been struggling with focusing lately. I don't know why that is, but I do know that it has been better when I've been studying my scriptures, and praying, and getting sleep. When all of my papers were just kind of dropped on me like a bomb, it was bad. I was worrying, and worrying, and I was jumping from paper to paper because I couldn't focus on any of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, or how I wanted to talk about it (for being someone who loves writing and talking, sometimes I sure don't know what to say). But about midway through the week, something happened, and I just felt a whole lot better. I don't know what it was, but after Wednesday/Thursday morning, I've been able to focus just a little better. I'm grateful for the peace that I've had this weekend. It's been a little stressful, too, but mostly I've been feeling a lot better about my papers, and my schoolwork. Life is so hard, and can be so difficult and stressful, but I know that when we turn to God, and read His words, and listen to His Spirit, we're blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie

He will stand by your side.

I am so grateful for my bishop and his wife. They spoke in sacrament meeting today and I heard a great deal that I needed to hear. I love them so much! 
Sister Anderson talked about priorities, and gave a list of eight things to help you keep your life balanced (from a talk by Elder Ballard, found here). I loved a few of them more than others so I'm going to share those few:

• Set attainable goals. Set short-term goals that you can do.
• Build relationships. Stay close to family and friends. They can help keep you grounded.
• Study the scriptures. She also mentioned an article in the New Era by President Monson where he said, "if you will study the scriptures diligently, your power to avoid temptation and to receive direction of the Holy Ghost in all you do will be increased."

When going through these things to help keep your life balanced, remember to turn to your Heavenly Father. He will help you and be there for you when things get hard, and when you fail the first seven times to study your scriptures every day. 

This past week and a half or so has been insanely crazy. I had many things to do, there were many things forgotten...all at once. It wasn't a super great time. The last few days have been better–less full of things to do–but still not 100% great. Even so, I got through it. I am grateful for my Savior, who stood by my side through all the tears and frustrations of the week. I'm grateful that everything turned out all right. I've never had such a horrible week start out the way it did, and then everything ended up turning out all right. I spaced some important things that I was able to make up, and I was able to get a lot of my homework done, even when I felt like I didn't fully understand what was going on. I'm grateful for this three-day weekend, and for all the time I have to catch up on some things. I'm grateful the messages shared in church today that I needed. I'm grateful for all of my plans that are falling into place–a sure sign that I'm doing the right things and have the help, love, and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure where He is taking me, but I trust Him with all of my heart. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Heavenly Father is mindful of us.

Today during the sacrament I was just thinking about one line of the sacrament hymn we sung today: "Life evermore we'll know through Thee, our Friend." Sometimes I think we focus so much on how Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer that we forget that He is also our friend. He will listen to our struggles and listen to our heartaches. He will be there to lift us up. First and foremost, He will love us always, no matter what. He's not just our Savior, He's our Elder Brother and Friend. He loves us and wants us to be able to live with our Father in Heaven.

A couple of thoughts that stood out to me as the speakers were speaking today were:

The first speaker talked about agency, and used Elder Christofferson's talk in conference entitled "Fathers".

-God loves us so much, but He doesn't make us follow Him. No one ever makes us do anything. 

-A quote from Elder Christofferson he used was this: "Challenges are at times an indication of the Lord’s trust in you. He can help you, directly and through others, to deal with what you face." I loved that. The Lord has given us agency, and challenges, because He trusts us. And if we falter, or fail, He will send us help.

After the first speaker a couple of my friends performed a beautiful musical number of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" and it was so special; it was so great to hear them sing and bear testimony of our Savior.

The last speaker said, "Even as we have trials, Heavenly Father is mindful of us, and He knows our potential." I loved that.

Gospel Doctrine was great. We talked about how the Lord works, and how He calls us. The Lord works in many ways, some of which include helping us find a different way, letting us struggle first, preparing the way, and offering support. Someone said, "Heavenly Father is a God of miracles", and I loved that because it is so true. He can do mighty miracles, with and through us. Sometimes when the Lord calls us, we don't always know that He is calling us, or we don't exactly want to respond because we like being comfortable, or we're afraid that what He is asking us is difficult, or we don't recognize that it is Him. In order to be more receptive of when He calls us, we can ask Him! We can pray to understand and recognize how He calls us. We should also be doing the right things, and be in the right places. Our hearts need to be prepared to hear the word of God, and to hear Him when He calls us. Blessings will come when we do what the Lord has asked us to, and blessings will come when we work on our hearts. Someone shared this quote, which I thought was great: "There's no growth in the comfort zone, and there's no comfort in the growth zone." We can't grow if we don't take a leap of faith and step outside of our comfort zone. We will be blessed for it.

In Relief Society we talked about scripture study, and I loved what a couple of the sisters said: "We need to try and get something out of our study" (next to it I put #qualitystudy instead of quantity study). And the last thing that someone said was, "Sometimes we get distracted by what's going on around us and we forget to focus on the Savior and rely on Him." Scripture study is great, and you can learn so many things from it, but you have to be willing to put in the time and effort. Someone said that we live in a world where we want answers now, and the Lord doesn't always give us the answers right away. We need to be willing to work with Him to find the answers, and we need to be patient. He'll give us the answers when He knows that we're ready.

I'm so grateful for my Savior. I know that He is my friend, and I know that He listens to me when I am hurting and just want someone to listen. I know that He is also there to help me pick up the pieces and put them back together again. I know that He loves me, and I know that He forgives me, and I know that He was just waiting for me to forgive myself so that I can move on with Him beside me. I'm so grateful that He has been with me, and I am so grateful that He will always be with me. I know that I am blessed to be able to have Him beside me, and I am blessed to have so many friends and great examples in my life that He has sent to me. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love and guidance. I know that He is always watching me, and I hope that He is proud of the woman that I am becoming because I have been trying so hard to be good, and do good, and change the world around me by changing myself, and I hope that He is proud of me. 

Last but not least, I'm so grateful for my dad, my grandpas, my uncles, and all of the great men in my life that I look up to. They are all great examples to me of how a man should treat his wife and children and I love them. Happy Father's Day!