God never promised life without heartache.

Happy December! Wow! Can you believe it is the last month of the year 2019 already?? I swear the year just started! This year has had a whole lot of ups and downs, and I have been through so much already! Here's just a small sample:

• This year, I started my last semester of college! And then I also graduated college!
• I went through the temple for the first time and then upped my temple attendance throughout the rest of the year! I've learned so much from the temple and my testimony of the power of the temple and of my Heavenly Father and my Savior has grown so much over the course of this year! 💜
• I turned 22, bought my second car, entered two posters in BYU's Fulton Conference and had one of them win FIRST PLACE!
• I had to get an appendectomy! That was a rough couple of days. 
• My family and I went to Vernal, Utah for our family vacation! It was amAAAAzing!!
• In July, I went on a trip to New York with my friend! 
• I started my first full-time job post-college and have been living the dream ever since!
• I saw Wicked TWO TIMES this year–once was in New York and it was absolutely phenomenal because we had front row seats!!
• "Even when it has been dark for days, the Son always comes." (Me, 07.23.2019)
• With my family and extended family on my mom's side, we went to the Dinosaur Park in Ogden, Utah for our family reunion! It was a blast!
• In September, my coworkers picked me for teacher of the month! It was such a blessing!!
• I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, who is the sweetest, kindest, most respectful and thoughtful guy ever! I am sure grateful for him in my life!
• I celebrated the one year anniversary of getting my first car (#KingRupertMayHeRestInPeace).
• I made a Facebook page for my blog! (Yes, this blog!)
• Went to Salt Lake City for the October conference Saturday morning session.
• Went to my first BYU Spectacular as an Alumni! Ben Rector and Hilary Weeks were AMAZING!!
• I got to meet KRISTIN CHENOWETH AT A BOOK SIGNING!!! This was definitely one of the highlights of my year!
• I got to go to the temple with my younger brother for our sister's wedding. It was a very special day. The First Three, all in the temple together for a sealing. 
• I got to see Frozen II twice in November! I have always loved Frozen and Frozen II is BETTER! I loved it so much and can't wait to buy it when it comes out on DVD/Blu-Ray!
• Thanksgiving was amazing! Yummy turkeys and pies!
• I have been working on trying to figure out/remember MY JOB. The one that God gave ME. No one else. Me. He has given me everything I need to do it. I just need to get up and do it (once, of course, I know what it is. I have some ideas but nothing certain yet. Gotta keep praying).
• I learned that LOVE is the answer to all things. Love was the common theme this year. And my self-love increased much this year.
• This year, my mental health journey has had some cRaAaAZzyy times! I have had some pretty amazing breakthroughs and beautiful thoughts, though, and I am very proud of the progress that I have made!
• I learned a lot about God's blessings for me, and about His plans, timing, and how everything has its time and season.
• Now it is December! Time for #LightTheWorld, the Christmas story, Christ's birth, finding Christmas presents for my loved ones (without breaking the bank/going overboard), and remembering the reason for the season.

There is so much to be thankful for! I have had such an amazing year! There have been so many ups!!! But there have also been many downs. Because one cannot know joy without knowing sorrow. One cannot know up without knowing down. And God never promised us a life without heartache. There has been (and will always be) some heartache in my life this year. And that will never change. There will always be heartache. But that's okay. I just need to remember to pray for peace and love, and to hope for a better tomorrow. And to keep my chin up, because there are far more happy days than sad days. I just need to remember to focus on the happy days and not let the sad days ruin the rest of the days. 

I cannot wait to see where the rest of this year takes me, and to see what's in store for me in 2020! I have a feeling next year is going to be my best year yet! 

Xoxo

Mattie

As we take time for Him, He makes time for us.

In thinking about all the things that I have had to do the last couple of weeks, and how low-key stressed it has made me, I am surprised I haven't had a meltdown yet. Haha I'm just kidding! But seriously, I am surprised that I have remained relatively as calm as I have. I have realized lately that I am often struggling to balance between all of the things on my to-do list. Trying to find the perfect balance is difficult, and takes a lot of time.

So what can we do? What can be done to help us balance between all of the good things in our lives?

Well, I am going to tell you some of the things that I do that help alleviate some of the stress, and help me balance my week.

First, I write everything down in my planner. I write down what, where, and when. If I need to take anything with me, I write that down, too. Any appointments, any meetings, all of my classes, all of my work shifts–all of it. Under my classes, I write down the homework due for that day, so I can know what I have to do. Sometimes there are specific times the homework is due, so I'll write that down, too.

Second, I determine what is most important. What can I absolutely not get away with skipping this week? What can I delay doing for a short time? Generally, I work on larger or more time-consuming school projects first, and then I work on the leftovers (which is usually just reading assignments). I make notes in my journal about what I am doing first–I actually haven't tried colors, but I just had an idea to try highlighting the most important things. That's a good idea. I'll have to try that.

Third, I have to put away all distractions. This is the hardest one, I feel like. Our world is full of distractions, and it's hard to put them away sometimes. But I have discovered a few cool tricks.

The first one is for my computer. I discovered that Safari has an extension that helps me. It's called "Waste No Time", and you can find more information here. You can either block specific websites forever, or you can block them for certain times of the day. I have done that. I have blocked social media sites from 8-12 and from 1-5 Monday thru Friday. Any time I forget and try to go on Facebook, or Instagram, it directs me back to the Google home page (because that is what I picked for it to go to. You can choose any other website). Honestly it has really blessed my life! I am able to focus more and get more done.

The second one is for my phone. I have an iPhone, and a new iOS update has this new feature, "Screen Time". You are able to choose many different options of monitoring your screen time, according to your needs. It resets every night at midnight. As far as I can tell, there is no actual option to completely block apps, but I have been able to get around that: I would set the specific apps that I wanted to block for the day, and I set the time for one minute. In addition to all of the apps that I really wanted to block for the day, I would pick a random one that I do not use all that often, and then I would mess around on that app for a minute, and afterwards, every other app that I wanted blocked–including the random one–would be blocked for the rest of the day. 

Fourth, I pick a few different fun things to do as part of my breaks/downtime that day. For example, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have classes from 10:30a to 3p, with a short 45 minute break between two of my classes. During that time, I eat lunch and I usually watch an episode of a TV show I am watching. If I am not quite finished with my readings for my last class, I will instead read for class. On Thursdays, I am busy all day, from 7:45a to 8p. Usually during my morning work shift, I am finishing up my homework for my classes that day, so that when 12p comes around, and I'm off work, I can watch something, or read something for fun, before class at 1:35p. Sometimes, I just want to listen to music, though, so some days I'll listen to music all day instead of watch something.

Last but not least, I have personal study time. At some point during the day, I take time to study my scriptures for me, and pray to Heavenly Father. I prefer reading my scriptures in the afternoon/evening, but sometimes in the morning when I am on top of things, I will study while waiting for the bus. Each night, I take time to speak with my Father in Heaven, and ask Him for help with things I have going on the next day or two.

These are just some of the things that I have found to help me. They are not for everyone, and they are adapted each and every day, it seems like. Every day is new, and different, and so each day demands different things of me. Some days, I have a ton of free time, and so I work on my homework for the next couple of days. Some days, I am a little behind, and I don't have as much free time as I'd like, and so I have to really buckle down and make sure that I am getting things done. Even then, as I stated at the beginning of this post, I am still struggling to find a balance between everything I have to do.

But I know that, as I take the time to study my scriptures, and pray to Heavenly Father, He will bless me. As I take time to serve my friends, He will bless me. As I take time that I need to do important things for school or work, and instead use it to strengthen my relationship with Him, and with others, He will bless me, and lengthen my time. Somehow, He makes it so I have enough time for all that I have to do.

Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk eight years ago in the October 2010 General Conference in which he discusses the things that matter most. I highly suggest you read it. Or watch him give it. That's actually a better suggestion.

I know we are all busy, and some days don't go as planned. Some days, we are only able to read one or two scriptures before our eyes droop so bad that we can't read it any more. Some days we plan to actually make food for dinner but end up either grabbing a burger or just making a Nutella and jam sandwich.

I also know that God is with us, and that He helps us through the bad days. I know that He sees us trying. I know that He blesses our efforts. I know that if we try our best, and ask God for help, nothing can get in our way.

I hope everyone has a good week and a safe Halloween!! Please keep track of your littles and be aware of children with allergies.

God loves you very much and has great plans for you!!

Xoxo
Mattie

God loves. So I love.

What a week! It's been really crazy, and yet, overall it's been really great, and so easy. This semester has–for the most part–not been super stressful, which I appreciate greatly. Especially considering next semester might be slightly more crazy, especially if I end up taking as many credits as I have sitting in my cart currently (which is 18, fun fact).

I had the opportunity to go to the temple yesterday with my friend and it was absolutely the best thing!! It was exactly what I needed! I love going to the temple, and I especially love hanging out with my friends! Yesterday was like the best day ever! I got a lot of stuff done and I just felt really, really great! I'm so pumped for this week even though I've got like two tests opening on Thursday.

I have been on a social media fast for the last seven days, and I still have three more to go, but honestly, it has been the BIGGEST BLESSING in my life!!! That kind of shocked me, actually! I am absolutely in love with social media, and in keeping up with my friends and family, but these past seven days have been so wonderful! I've been more focused and on top of things. I also never thought that I would be able to actually do a social media fast, I love it so much. But I did! I'm so proud of myself!!

In the midst of my social media fast, I have filled my time with:

• homework
• scripture study
• listening to the Spirit
• communicating with my friends and family via text or in person
• going to the temple
• focusing on myself
• figuring out some of my goals for the school year
• realizing my potential, my purpose, and what I have to offer the world

Now, I'm not saying that I don't do those things when I am not on a social media fast, but sometimes it is a bit harder to do. I am excited to see where not only the rest of the semester takes me, but the rest of the school year! I have a lot of exciting plans for the next several months and I can't wait to see what happens! After my social media fast is over, I have decided that I still want to implement some aspects of the social media fast. I want to only go on at certain times of the day for a certain amount of time, and only if I do not have any major projects or assignments to do. I honestly spend SO MUCH of my time on social media. It's honestly a problem, and I've always known that, but this social media fast has really opened my eyes to 1) how bad it is, and 2) how I can overcome it.

God knows my heart. He knows how much good I have in me. And He knows what I have needed to help me realize my worth and potential. 

I have been thinking for about a year and a half about going through the temple, but I have had some things in my life that have made it hard for me to feel worthy, even though I have repented. This summer, as most of you know, I had the amazing opportunity to go work at a scout camp up at Bear Lake! Up until this social media fast, it was the biggest blessing in my life (though it honestly still is one of the biggest blessings in my life) because I grew so much this summer!! I absolutely loved being up at Bear Lake, even though work was crazy, I was always tired, and I didn't always feel like I got enough people interaction. 

ANYWAY.

The point of that little segue was this: while at Bear Lake this summer, I tried to focus on myself, and my relationship with God, and forgiving myself. And it worked. By the end of the summer, I finally felt like I could forgive myself, and I felt like I was finally starting to hear God speak to me again! I was elated and couldn't be happier! I felt like it wasn't quite so dark in my life anymore.

I had about three weeks from the time I got home to the time I had to go back to school, and I was SO excited to go back to school! I couldn't wait to get learning and finish up my college career and GRADUATE! Ah! I couldn't stand it. Finally, the semester started! I was still feeling good and thinking about going through the temple, but it wasn't entirely the focus on my mind anymore. I had started seeing this guy and was really excited about getting to know him more. In addition to that, I had many projects to work on for school. 

There came a point in the middle of September when I was starting to question (as I often do) my purpose in this life, and what I am here for. I never understand it, I feel like, but sometimes I question if I even have a purpose.

In the week before General Conference, I had a prompting to send some inspiring messages to some of my friends, and as I pondered messages to send, I couldn't help but hope that I wasn't crazy and that what I sent them was actually what they needed. Turns out, God is all knowing! And somehow I sent them exactly what they needed.

Remember that guy I was seeing? Well, after about a month and a half, the relationship ended. I was devastated, but couldn't wait for conference to start the next morning so I could feel God's love. I was hoping for answers for some things that I was thinking about–including going through the temple. And in the first talk, I received some answers. Eagerly I awaited each talk, and somehow, I found something in every. single. talk. That answered one of my questions. Even questions I hadn't written down.

And as for the questions that I struggle with daily: Am I really needed here on earth? Is there something I can do even though I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life as a career? Is there something I can do to help me not feel useless, and to help me realize my potential? Do I have a purpose right now, and even after now? 

I did have a purpose!! God needs disciples, and I am one of His disciples!! God needs people to minister to His children, and love them, and I am one of His ministers! I am someone who loves His children deeply! 

I give something to this world that no one else does: I give undying, endless love and compassion. No one loves like I do.

By the end of conference, I was feeling so, so loved, and I was feeling so warm and happy, and grateful. I realized that I am worthy enough to start preparing to go through the temple, and I realized that not only do I have a purpose in this life, but I am loved, too. I am loved by so many people. I realized that right now, what I need is to focus on my testimony, and my spiritual preparation and journey to go through God's holy temple. I needed to focus on ministering to those around me, and making sure that they know that they are loved. 

In this last week, I have received many more answers about other questions and goals that I have, and I am feeling good about going forward. 

I have been deeply afraid of a lot of things recently...but one of the lessons I have really learned and come to understand lately is this: God gives peace and comfort. And God knows you. He knows what you need, and He is always trying to help you understand what you need, and what He needs you to do. 

Today in Relief Society we learned about not being troubled, and my roommate gave an extremely profound comment that I loved. She said, "Fear drives us to Christ." I loved that. As we were talking about things that dispel fear, we discovered that the things that help the most to dispel fear come from God. And that our love for Him and His Gospel dispels fear. I do not need to fear anything about life. For one, I have God on my side. And for two, if I fear God more than I fear man (be in awe of His strength and power), and anything about life, I will be blessed to be able to work with God, and use my fear of Him to press forward steadfastly with faith, and bless His children. When I turn to Him, my fears fade away.

I know that God blesses us. I know that He sends us answers not only when we ask for them, but when we need them–even if we didn't know that that was a question we were seeking an answer for. I know that He loves us all–we are His children, and He created us. 

It's so easy to love other people, but it's a lot harder to love yourself. I've been working really hard on that since the summer, and even though I'm not perfect at it, I am in a better place today than I was then. I really do love myself, and I am blessed to be able to see past my imperfections most of the time. I hope to someday just honestly love myself fully for who I am like I do with my friends and family. That is my goal. I know that God is helping me learn to love myself and see past my flaws. I know that I see past my loved ones' flaws, and I see past a few of my own, but I still have a ways to go. 

I hope and pray that you all know that God loves you, blesses you, and wants what is best for you. I hope you know that I love you and pray for you every day, and that I wish only the best for you in life.

Xoxo

Mattie

Life is messy.

Today was our multi-stake conference, and I'm really grateful for the things that I heard today. I definitely needed to hear a lot of the messages today! I'm going to share a few of my favorites. :)

Even though we missed the beginning of Elder Cook's talk, I loved what he said about the Book of Mormon. He said, "There is power in the Book of Mormon." I fully believe it. I am reading the Book of Mormon for my religion class, and it's been a source of peace and comfort, and has given me strength as I've read it.

Sister Franco talked about being of good cheer.
1. Understand that we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who loves us.
2. Understand that we have a Heavenly Father who gave us commandments to help us be happy.
3. Understand the importance of gratitude in our lives.
4. Understand that service brings joy to our lives.

Elder Uceda said that, "Mighty prayers overcome apathy." He said that mighty prayers are prayers from the heart. My favorite thing he said was, "As we search the scriptures, understanding comes to our mind, and doubts go away."

Elder Stevenson talked about humility, obedience, and virtue.
Humility:
Humility is willingness to submit to the Lord. The opposite of humility is pride, which gives honor to ourselves, it's competitive, and causes us to hold grudges or withhold forgiveness. He said that meekness, humility, and forgiveness are all cousins. I thought that was a great way of showing how closely related they are.

Obedience:
Obedience is the first law of heaven, and an act of faith. It's a safety and protection for us. It brings blessings, and those blessings bring happiness.

Virtue:
Virtue originates in our innermost thoughts. It is a prerequisite to receiving the Spirit's guidance. He said that reduced screen time and increased scripture study may increase virtue. I thought that was really interesting! But also true, I'm sure. I know I'm more focused and attentive when I'm spending a lot more time out doing things (though that's hard to do during the school year, especially when all of your math homework is online).

Diligent efforts can lead to Christlike attributes becoming or being second nature. Our journey to achieve Christlike attributes requires discipline.

He also shared this quote from Howard W. Hunter: "Mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again." 

I loved this quote so much! I think sometimes we often forget the beauty and grace that is around us. We forget how awesome it is to lift someone's spirits. We forget how beautiful the earth around us is. We forget who loves us. We forget how blessed we truly are, and we forget that those blessings will always come.

This week was the first week of school for me, and I honestly struggled a bit. The first day was fine, but after the second day, when I was looking to the homework I needed to do, I got overwhelmed at all of the homework I was going to have over the whole semester for all of my classes and I kind of had a panic attack. Friday was a little bit better, but Saturday was a giant mess, because I worked from 8-4 and then the football game was Saturday night and it was a struggle getting into the game. But my friends and I made it, and it was fun watching the game with them.

I realized some things about myself this week, and this weekend, and I really need to work on a couple of things. I'm kind of nervous, just because I hate adding to my pile of things to do, but I'm hoping that I can just work them into my life and not specifically have to worry about them or deal with it. It'll just kind of...be a part of my life, and exist. Except life is messy, so that might not happen.  But! I have God on my side, and He knows where I am going, and what I need to do to get there. So, even though things might not happen the way I plan or want them to, things will happen, and I will grow, and change, and become who I need to be.

I hope you have had a great Sunday and weekend! I hope you've learned some things, and made some goals to improve. There's always room for improvement. I am grateful for my Savior, who is always willing to help me improve and progress. I'm grateful for friends, and family, who are always willing to listen, and always willing to help. I'm grateful for new experiences, difficult times, and trials that help me stretch and grow, and get out of my comfort zone. I've never really said this before, but I'm grateful for emotions, and feelings, and the fact that I get to feel so deeply. Sometimes it's hard, and painful, and messy, and I just want to not feel so intensely, but the painful times are worth all the happy and joyous ones that I experience so often. God is good, and I am blessed.

Xoxo
Mattie