Humility in trials.

People go through many trials and challenges in life, each unique and personal. Some people lose their parents. Some people lose their children. Some people go through divorce. Some people experience natural disasters like earthquakes, fires, and hurricanes. Some people have health issues. 

I don't typically post too many details about it, but infertility has been a really challenging trial for me. While it is deeply personal and hard to talk about, especially in the Church, I appreciate the friends and family who've felt comfortable discussing their own infertility challenges with me while I'm going through my own; it's helped me not to feel alone.

Infertility treatments are expensive and not guaranteed. I hate that so much--recently, we spent a lot of money on the next procedure, not to mention all of the medications I needed to take, and it didn't work. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I can't do anything about it, but we were devastated when we found out it didn't work.

Moving forward is hard because I desperately want to try again, but the possibility that it won't work again looms over every thought. We're not made of money, and the procedures and medications are expensive and not covered by insurance. It's hard to make that decision, but we are trying to listen to the Holy Ghost to discern when it is time for us to make the next move forward.

I've been searching the Church's website for talks and scriptures to help me understand why trials occur and how to get through them when it feels like all hope is gone. In Mosiah 21: 5-14, the Nephites learn to humble themselves and turn to God:

5 And now the afflictions of the Nephites were great, and there was no way that they could deliver themselves out of their hands, for the Lamanites had surrounded them on every side.

6 And it came to pass that the people began to murmur with the king because of their afflictions; and they began to be desirous to go against them to battle. And they did afflict the king sorely with their complaints; therefore he granted unto them that they should do according to their desires.

7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

13 And they did humble themselves even to the dust, subjecting themselves to the yoke of bondage, submitting themselves to be smitten, and to be driven to and fro, and burdened, according to the desires of their enemies.

14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

The purpose of trials is to help us humble ourselves and turn to God. But what happens when we feel like we have already humbled ourselves and turned to Him, but we still have not received answers or are still feeling lost?

I asked my brother, who is serving his mission, this question, and he shared Ether 12:27 with me, and I was really drawn to Ether 12:28, as well.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

He shows us our weaknesses, but He also shows us that faith, hope, and charity bring us closer to Him, as well as to righteousness. 

In Elder Renlund's talk "The Powerful, Virtuous Cycle of the Doctrine of Christ" from the past April 2024 General Conference, he says the following:

"Spiritual momentum is created “over a lifetime as we repeatedly embrace the doctrine of Christ.” Doing so, President Russell M. Nelson taught, produces a “powerful virtuous cycle.” Indeed, the elements of the doctrine of Christ—such as faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, entering a covenant relationship with the Lord through baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end—are not intended to be experienced as one-time, check-the-box events. In particular, “enduring to the end” is not really a separate step in the doctrine of Christ—as though we complete the first four elements and then hunker down, grit our teeth, and wait to die. No, enduring to the end is repeatedly and iteratively applying the other elements of the doctrine of Christ, creating the “powerful virtuous cycle” that President Nelson described."

We are not meant to know all things in this life--the purpose of this life is to learn and grow and have faith in Jesus Christ. 

Life is HARD, and while I don't understand the purpose of this trial in my life, and I struggle with it daily, feeling very lost and alone at times, I know I can turn to my Savior for peace. 

Ricky and I went to the Payson Temple yesterday to do sealings, and even though I didn't receive a specific answer (and even left with more questions), I still felt peace. I spent a lot of time after our time in the temple thinking about how, right now, just sitting in the temple is often more precious to me than doing ordinances. While I love doing the ordinances, lately, it seems all I can hear is "and mother" in all of the ordinances, which is a little painful and hard for me to not think about. I often think about Jesse, how grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation, and for the blessings of eternal families. 

I am grateful for my sweetheart and the sweet opportunity we had last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Year five has started off great and I can't wait to see where it takes us.

I hope this Sunday has been a peaceful Sunday for you and yours. I know that God loves us always, and that He cares for us more than we will ever know.

Xoxo

Mattie

It takes time.

Today was a really beautiful day–a little chilly, but the sun is shining, and the sky is so blue. ❤️

So my thoughts during the sacrament today were mostly about what I have and can do because of and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

I am a daughter of God, who is a King of the most high. I have a divine nature and destiny. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I am able to be forgiven and start again. Through the Atonement, I am able to live with my family forever. Through the Atonement, I have the Lord on and by my side. Through the Atonement, I can know my worth. Through the Atonement, I can feel peace. Through the Atonement, I can find joy and happiness. Through the Atonement, I have found the love of my Savior, and that love has brought me strength in the hard times.

The topic of sacrament meeting today was how trials and tribulations can help us change and become who we were meant to become. Parker said that we didn't come here to earth to be comfortable; we came here to grow. I think each speaker mentioned weaknesses at some point, and how we can make them strengths with the Lord's help. Ether 12:27 was mentioned a lot today as a whole, and I know that it was for me. I'm working hard on some things but I can work a little bit harder. Sam said that trials allow us to choose–to give up, and give in to weakness, or to be humble, and have faith in the Lord. If we put our faith in God, there is no trial we can't get through. Brother Durfey spoke a few words at the end of the meeting before the closing song and said, "If it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't change us," and I loved that. ❤️

We talked about the priesthood in Gospel Doctrine today, and my eyes were opened to the fact that the Aaronic Priesthood is more of the physical things–baptism, blessing and passing of the sacrament, home teaching–and the Melchizedek Priesthood is more of the spiritual things–gift of the Holy Ghost, temple ordinances, blessings of comfort and counsel, etc. I thought that was so cool! We also talked about the Law of Moses and that time period, and Rosie mentioned that when they lost the Melchizedek Priesthood, all of their temple ordinances were more on the physical side of things, because they only had the Aaronic Priesthood. It was a really great lesson and I learned a lot.

Relief Society today was great! As it always is. ❤️ It was based on Elder Bednar's talk entitled "Always Retain a Remission of Your Sins," and I highly recommend it. There were a lot of great things that we talked about, but a few of the most important ones to me today were that 1) Remission takes time; 2) it's okay to fall down...just do what you can; and 3) it's never too late. Changing who you are takes time, but it's never too late. There is a song by Hilary Weeks that talks about this, and I have probably shared it before, but it's a good song. It's called, Even When, and around 3:28 is when it takes about taking time, but the whole song is about how God loves us still, even when we make mistakes. Even when we fall. He will always love us.

I am so grateful for everything that was talked about today. I realized today that I'm still a little broken and I'm still healing, but I also realized that that is okay. Even though it does take time (apparently more than I thought), I don't have to do it by myself. I am so grateful to have my Savior to depend on, and to have my Heavenly Father to turn to. I know He loves me, and I know He loves you. I know that you can always depend on Him. And you can always depend on me. I am here for you whenever. I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. Remember that you are a son or daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, who knows what you need to become the best you that you can become. Your trials may not make sense to you at all–and you may not know why the same one just never goes away–but God knows what He's doing. Trust Him, because I do. I trust Him with all of my heart. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Xoxo
Mattie

Repentance is a choice, and repentance is change.

Today I had the privilege of going to two of my friends' missionary farewells. They gave such great talks!! I'm so excited for them! They are going to be amazing missionaries and I can't wait to see how much they've grown and changed when they come back in a year and a half. 

One of my friends talked about repentance, and I just found this really good quote about repentance and God's love for us:

"Though we disregard His counsel, break His commandments, and reject Him, when we recognize our mistakes and desire to repent, He wants us to seek Him out and He will accept us" (God's Love for Us Transcends Our Transgressions, Ronald E. Poelman, April 1982 General Conference). 

Sometimes I think we think that's it's so crazy that God can still love us, even after all the sins we've done and mistakes we've made. That reminds me of this scripture in 2nd Nephi:

20 And now, my brethren, I have spoken plainly that ye cannot err. And as the Lord God liveth that brought Israel up out of the land of Egypt, and gave unto Moses power that he should heal the nations after they had been bitten by the poisonous serpents, if they would cast their eyes unto the serpent which he did raise up before them, and also gave him power that he should smite the rock and the water should come forth; yea, behold I say unto you, that as these things are true, and as the Lord God liveth, there is none other name given under heaven save it be this Jesus Christ, of which I have spoken, whereby man can be saved. (2 Nephi 25:20)

I know that repentance isn't that easy, but it does take effort–just like the effort the nations needed to take. All they had to do to be healed was to look on the serpent that Moses "did raise up before them". Heavenly Father wants us to turn to Him, and to trust in Him. All we have to do is to turn to Him. Repentance is a choice that we have to consciously make. Elder Neil L. Andersen said that, "When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God" (Repent... That I May Heal You, October 2009 General Conference). Repentance is "re-turning" to God. Yes, repentance isn't easy, and it takes effort, but I know that it is more than worth it. It has brought me feelings of love, acceptance, peace, and understanding beyond anything I ever could have imagined. It has changed my life when I needed help to change, and it has helped me to heal when I so desperately needed healing. I am so grateful for my Savior and for His sacrifice for me. I would not be who I am today without Him and without His Atonement.