His love heals.

Last week, I made a goal–to be better/consistent in my scripture study and prayers, and to be better about specific personal goals I have. And while I was studying my scriptures Sunday night, I had a couple of thoughts and felt like I needed to write a blog post about this topic–perfection in ourselves–and so, not being one to let a prompting go when I'm reading my scriptures, I decided to listen. And this is the result. DISCLAIMER: I am going to be really honest in this post, and I just want to let you know that no matter what you read, I am fine. :) A little stressed and tired (#thankyoucollege), but I am doing just fine. Love you! :) 

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this post. I never thought that I would need to write this. But last week, I felt like I needed to. So I started it. I've been working on it, on and off, every day this week. It's a little long, and a little scattered, but hopefully I will get my intended message across.

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I think I realized at least an idea for part of an answer as to why I do some of the things I do. Why I bite my nails. Why I bite my lip. Why I stress about sending texts/emails only some of the time and have to type them into a separate document before I send them, and then I still feel insecure about what I sent 80% of the time–whether or not I stressed about sending it. Why I feel the need to constantly be there for everyone in my life all the time, even when I physically can't be in two-plus places at once. Why I feel the need to control so many aspects of my life, even when I know I physically and literally can't. Why I beat myself up over mistakes that I made, things I said but maybe shouldn't have, things that I regret. Etc., etc.

The answer? I feel like I need to be perfect.

I know it's not expected of me, and I don't expect it of others (we're all human), but I just expect it of myself. And I don't know why.

sometimes i will let myself not be perfect. and for that one moment, everything is perfect. and then that moment ends. And I go back–to overthinking, to anxiety. {Sorry about the Tangled quote, there...actually, no, I'm not}

For some bizarre reason, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. And I know that it's a little bit ridiculous.

I'm sure that we've all felt like this at times. Some more than others, but I think almost everyone has felt this desire–this need to be perfect at/in everything all the time–at some point in their life.

For me, this desire brings about anxiety and stress. I honestly so try hard to not let it get to me. But sometimes it's hard. Especially this semester. This semester it has been really hard. I've struggled with several things–from consistent and personal scripture study/prayer, to accepting the fact that people act and react in different ways and just because they don't react the way that I expected/wanted them to doesn't mean that they don't like me/love me/accept me for who I am, to realizing there are some personal things about myself that I thought I had gotten past but really haven't yet.

Honestly I think the biggest reason why this has been so hard for me this semester is because I've struggled with accepting the fact that I don't know where my life is going, and I've struggled a bit with accepting that I am where I'm meant to be. I love where I am, but you know, I've got all these friends in my life who are out there, DOING something–they're on a mission, getting married, traveling across the country, etc.

Not that what I'm doing isn't important–getting an education is very important–I just feel like I don't get recognition for doing what I'm doing (College is HARD. Did you know that? It's SO difficult!). Not that I want it all the time, but just once it would be nice to hear, "You're doing great! I'm proud of you! Keep it up!" (Don't tell me that just because I told you I want to be told that). My top two love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and, if I'm being honest,  I feel like I don't get enough of them. This is possibly another reason as to why I do some of the things I do–I guess I try to make up for it [not getting enough love through my love languages] by giving love to others others–by bringing love and light to the lives of the people who are most important to me, and trying to lift them up and bring them a little bit of happiness, which also explains the need to constantly be there for said people in my life–I don't want them to feel like I do. Plus, I feel a lot better when I am making sure that other people are loved and happy.

Okay, now that I've talked about a few of the things that I'm feeling, and that you have probably felt sometimes, too, I'm going to share some thoughts from a few prophets and leaders of the Lord that address several of the things that I've brought up.

President Russell M. Nelson, then Elder Nelson, said in 1995, "The perfection that the Savior envisions for us is much more than errorless performance. It is the eternal expectation as expressed by the Lord in his great intercessory prayer to his Father—that we might be made perfect and be able to dwell with them in the eternities ahead." And it is not meant to be achieved in this life! He goes on to say that, "That Jesus attained eternal perfection following his resurrection is confirmed in the Book of Mormon... Resurrection is requisite for eternal perfection." God's purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. We are meant to grow and become perfect with His help, but it will take time. So, even though at this time in my life I apparently feel like I need to be perfect right now (when I know that I am not expected to be 100% perfect now), I need to remember it takes time–to forgive, to heal, to repent, and to become perfected.


In 2002, President Monson said, "I have always felt that if we speak in generalities, we rarely have success; but if we speak in specifics, we will rarely have a failure. Therefore, I urge that you exemplify in your lives four tested, specific virtues. They are:

1. 1. An attitude of gratitude,
2. 2. A longing for learning,
3. 3. A devotion to discipline, and
4. 4. A willingness to work."

I absolutely LOVED this! Here is one thing he said for each of the different virtues:

"Be grateful for your mother, for your father, for your family, and for your friends...They love you; they pray for you; they serve you. You are precious in their sight and in the sight of your Heavenly Father. He hears your prayers. He extends to you His peace and His love. Stay close to Him and to His Son, and you will not walk alone."

"We can find truth in the scriptures, the teachings of the prophets, the instructions from our parents, and the inspiration that comes to us as we bend our knees and seek the help of God."

"The battle for self-discipline may leave you a bit bruised and battered but always a better person. Self-discipline is a rigorous process at best; too many of us want it to be effortless and painless. Should temporary setbacks afflict us, a very significant part of our struggle for self-discipline is the determination and the courage to try again."

"President J. Reuben Clark, many years ago a counselor in the First Presidency, said: 'I believe that we are here to work, and I believe there is no escape from it. I think that we cannot get that thought into our souls and into our beings too soon. Work we must, if we shall succeed or if we shall advance. There is no other way.'"

I loved his talk! Focusing on specific goals and things to work on helps me get outside of me and not be so...I don't want to say self-centered because that's not exactly it but that's the only way I can think to say it. Anyway, I've found that having specific goals helps me be more aware of my surroundings and more aware of my Savior.

In a talk by Sister Elaine S. Dalton in 2004, the three topics she addresses are, "Believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided." 

• "Before you came to this earth you were tutored at your Father’s knee. You have been reserved to come to the earth for a special purpose. There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well. You have a destiny to fulfill. Your righteous example as one of the believers will make a difference in the world, so “be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33)."
• "The Lord has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88)." 
• "Everything in the scriptures is applicable to our lives. The scriptures answer our questions, they provide role models and heroes, and they help us understand how to handle challenges and trials. Many times the scriptures you read will be the answer to your prayers."

I loved her talk. :) It was a good one to read. Believe in yourself! Believe in what you can do, in who you are, and in what you are capable of. Believe that you are loved and wanted. I have trouble with this sometimes (just as a whole, not specifically that last sentence). But I am working on it. :)

As I've been working on this post all week, I've been thinking and learning a lot about myself and the Lord. I've been working on my scripture study and prayers this week, and I've been doing really good this week. And because of that, I've felt at peace a lot this week. There are still some things that I didn't get answers to this week, which is okay–I think that the Lord is working on answering them. Sometimes you just have to have faith, and I do. Life is good. I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior, I love my family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school here at BYU, and I'm grateful for the Bishopric and their wives. They are so amazing and wonderful and I love them. I'm also super grateful for my visiting teachers! They're super wonderful and always willing to help me and I'm so thankful for that. :) This has been a helpful week for me as I've been writing this post and finding/figuring some stuff out that I don't know to fix, but I know that Heavenly Father will help me fix them. In 1 John 4:18, it says, "18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I know that the Lord loves us all perfectly and wants to help us become better. And I know that His love makes everything better, and gets rid of the fear–it gets rid of the anxiety. When I remember, and focus on it, His love heals. And for that I am grateful. 

One last thought...here are a few songs that I loved and thought they encompassed what I've been trying to work on, what I've been feeling, and what the Lord does for you:
He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks ( LDS ) with Lyrics - YouTube
Colbie Caillat - Try - YouTube
Sometimes He Lets it Rain - YouTube

I love you and so does your Heavenly Father. Hope you have a lovely week! 

Xoxo
Mattie

It takes time.

Today was a really beautiful day–a little chilly, but the sun is shining, and the sky is so blue. ❤️

So my thoughts during the sacrament today were mostly about what I have and can do because of and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

I am a daughter of God, who is a King of the most high. I have a divine nature and destiny. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I am able to be forgiven and start again. Through the Atonement, I am able to live with my family forever. Through the Atonement, I have the Lord on and by my side. Through the Atonement, I can know my worth. Through the Atonement, I can feel peace. Through the Atonement, I can find joy and happiness. Through the Atonement, I have found the love of my Savior, and that love has brought me strength in the hard times.

The topic of sacrament meeting today was how trials and tribulations can help us change and become who we were meant to become. Parker said that we didn't come here to earth to be comfortable; we came here to grow. I think each speaker mentioned weaknesses at some point, and how we can make them strengths with the Lord's help. Ether 12:27 was mentioned a lot today as a whole, and I know that it was for me. I'm working hard on some things but I can work a little bit harder. Sam said that trials allow us to choose–to give up, and give in to weakness, or to be humble, and have faith in the Lord. If we put our faith in God, there is no trial we can't get through. Brother Durfey spoke a few words at the end of the meeting before the closing song and said, "If it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't change us," and I loved that. ❤️

We talked about the priesthood in Gospel Doctrine today, and my eyes were opened to the fact that the Aaronic Priesthood is more of the physical things–baptism, blessing and passing of the sacrament, home teaching–and the Melchizedek Priesthood is more of the spiritual things–gift of the Holy Ghost, temple ordinances, blessings of comfort and counsel, etc. I thought that was so cool! We also talked about the Law of Moses and that time period, and Rosie mentioned that when they lost the Melchizedek Priesthood, all of their temple ordinances were more on the physical side of things, because they only had the Aaronic Priesthood. It was a really great lesson and I learned a lot.

Relief Society today was great! As it always is. ❤️ It was based on Elder Bednar's talk entitled "Always Retain a Remission of Your Sins," and I highly recommend it. There were a lot of great things that we talked about, but a few of the most important ones to me today were that 1) Remission takes time; 2) it's okay to fall down...just do what you can; and 3) it's never too late. Changing who you are takes time, but it's never too late. There is a song by Hilary Weeks that talks about this, and I have probably shared it before, but it's a good song. It's called, Even When, and around 3:28 is when it takes about taking time, but the whole song is about how God loves us still, even when we make mistakes. Even when we fall. He will always love us.

I am so grateful for everything that was talked about today. I realized today that I'm still a little broken and I'm still healing, but I also realized that that is okay. Even though it does take time (apparently more than I thought), I don't have to do it by myself. I am so grateful to have my Savior to depend on, and to have my Heavenly Father to turn to. I know He loves me, and I know He loves you. I know that you can always depend on Him. And you can always depend on me. I am here for you whenever. I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. Remember that you are a son or daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, who knows what you need to become the best you that you can become. Your trials may not make sense to you at all–and you may not know why the same one just never goes away–but God knows what He's doing. Trust Him, because I do. I trust Him with all of my heart. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Xoxo
Mattie

General Conference weekend. :)

It's General Conference weekend!!!!! I have absolutely LOVED this weekend!!!! We got three new apostles, and we miss President Boyd K. Packer, Elder L. Tom Perry, and Elder Richard G. Scott, but we welcome Elders Ronald A. Rasband, Gary E. Stevenson, and Dale G. Renlund. There have been so many great messages this weekend that I needed to hear!! 

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes:

"Exaltation is our goal. Discipleship is our journey." ~~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Direction is ever more important than our speed." ~~Elder Larry R. Lawrence

"Self-control is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets." ~~Elder Quentin L. Cook

"Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are." ~~Elder Jeffrery R. Holland

"None of us marry perfection. We marry potential." ~~Elder Rober D. Hales

"There is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light." ~~Elder Vern P. Stanfill

"Christ was sent to heal the broken hearted." ~~Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"Only when we see through Heavenly Father's eyes can we be filled with the pure love of Christ." ~~Elder Dale G. Renlund

"No choice, sin, or mistake will change His love." ~~Elder Ronald A. Rasband

"God's ultimate purpose is our progress." "Repentance is individual. But fellowship...is in the church." (I paraphrased that last quote there) ~~Elder D. Todd Christofferson

"Small efforts sustained over time can produce significant results." ~~Brother Devin G. Durrant

"Don't be too critical of the barrier. It's the only thing keeping you from being devoured." ~~Elder Von G. Keetch

"Trust God. Trust Jesus. Trust the whisperings of the Spirit. Trust the counsel of living prophets." ~~Sister Carole M. Stephens

"Repentance is real, and it works." ~~Elder Allen D. Haynie

I have loved all of the messages given this weekend!! I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to watch conference and to listen to and learn from our Latter-day prophets. It is always a blessing to hear their words, especially when their words are desperately needed by me. I am so grateful to be a member of this church!!!  

Xoxo

Mattie

Be positive about who you are.

"I am a unique, amazing, superhero kind of person. There will never be another me. I am the one who will decide how I will feel about myself. I am my goodness, my character, my talents and my kindness. This is who I am. What other people think of me doesn't matter. If they say mean things about me, it doesn't change my value. I am still the same me. I can ignore mean comments because I am a good and important person, and nothing will ever charge that. I know who I am. My value comes from the fact that I am unique. I don't waste time comparing myself to other people. I am the perfect me and they are the perfect them. Our differences make us both amazing. My life is a classroom and I am here to learn and grow. Every experience I have teaches me something. I am right on track in my process of leaning. I am doing great. If I make a mistake, I apologize and work to do better in the future. I am still a good person. It was just a lesson. No one is better or worse than anyone else. We all have the same value. I choose to see every person as the same as me. I never gossip, criticize or judge other people. We are all doing the best we can with what we know. We are all learning and growing. I can forgive others. I am here to help other people. I am always looking for people who need help or friendship. I am a friend to all. I have the power to treat people with love and kindness, even when they don't deserve it. I do this because I am a kind person. I choose my attitude in each situation. I can choose to feel bad about myself and scared. Or I can choose to feel like a superhero--strong, safe and loving. I choose a positive attitude every time. I believe in myself. I have everything I need to succeed in life. I am the amazing me."

I was going back through my Facebook posts, and I found this one. This is from a piece of paper that I assume I got in Young Women's, but I don't remember. Anyway! I love this!!! It's very uplifting and inspirational. You are who you are meant to be, and you are so amazing! "There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" (Dr. Seuss). God loves you and He made you just how He wants you to be. Be positive and happy about who you are. Attitude is everything.