He believes in me.

Camp is over! I am now home! Yesterday was exhausting physically and emotionally. I am so sad to have left all my friends but am so excited to be moving forward with my life. It was a great experience and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I was pondering a question this week. Why do I believe in God? Honestly, I believe in God because He has blessed my life in so many ways. Through the people I have met, and the experiences I've had, I have seen His hand in my life. There have been times I wondered if He was really there, or even listening, but I had faith and hope that He is and was, and somehow that was enough.

I know He is there, and I know He listens. No one knows and loves you better than Him. I believe in God because He believes in me.

I had this thought the other day: Peace comes in many forms. Pain comes in many forms. Sometimes they are one and the same. But no matter what, God will always be there. He will be there to give you peace, and He will be there to help alleviate the pain. It might not always go away, but He will be there to support and lift you.

I honestly don't know how to describe how I know He is there. I just know.

Last week, I had the opportunity to go to the Star Party for the first time all summer, and it was AMAZING!! The sky was so beautiful and the stars were just gorgeous! I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to spend the whole summer at Bear Lake!! It was just such a wonderful experience! Each day was a beautiful adventure! Just look at this view!!

Bear Lake from Camp Hunt - August 11, 2018

I'm so, so, so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I know that He made this summer possible. I know that all of the people that I met this summer were people that I needed in my life. I know that I needed the clarity of mind that comes from being at peace in nature to try and make some goals to help make my life a little better. 

I know that I needed the experience of being accepted COMPLETELY for who I am to give me the confidence that I need to go out into the world and be myself. I know that I was needed by some of the people at camp. I know that everyone needed my (mostly) positive outlook on life, and I know that they all needed the love that I tried to give them. I know that God trusts me, and believes in me. He gave me quite the summer experience in which I did a lot of hard things. He put so many of His children into my life this summer, and He entrusted me with making sure they felt–and feel–loved. I hope I was able to fulfill His expectations of me this summer.

I know that somehow this summer was exactly what I expected, and yet, it was NOTHING like what I expected. And I know that's how God works. We have all these expectations from Him, or from life, and nothing ever goes exactly how we expect it to; except, somehow, having nothing go how we expected it to was exactly what we expected. 

I might not know what this whole next year has in store for me, but I do know this: it's going to be an adventure, and I'm going to have God on my side. 

I hope these last couple weeks before school starts are full of fun for you guys!! I know I'm going to have a lot of fun! 

God loves you, I love you, and YOU MATTER. Don't forget that. You are needed in this world. You give something to this world that no one else can give. 

Xoxo

Mattie

His love heals.

Last week, I made a goal–to be better/consistent in my scripture study and prayers, and to be better about specific personal goals I have. And while I was studying my scriptures Sunday night, I had a couple of thoughts and felt like I needed to write a blog post about this topic–perfection in ourselves–and so, not being one to let a prompting go when I'm reading my scriptures, I decided to listen. And this is the result. DISCLAIMER: I am going to be really honest in this post, and I just want to let you know that no matter what you read, I am fine. :) A little stressed and tired (#thankyoucollege), but I am doing just fine. Love you! :) 

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this post. I never thought that I would need to write this. But last week, I felt like I needed to. So I started it. I've been working on it, on and off, every day this week. It's a little long, and a little scattered, but hopefully I will get my intended message across.

~~~~~~~~~

I think I realized at least an idea for part of an answer as to why I do some of the things I do. Why I bite my nails. Why I bite my lip. Why I stress about sending texts/emails only some of the time and have to type them into a separate document before I send them, and then I still feel insecure about what I sent 80% of the time–whether or not I stressed about sending it. Why I feel the need to constantly be there for everyone in my life all the time, even when I physically can't be in two-plus places at once. Why I feel the need to control so many aspects of my life, even when I know I physically and literally can't. Why I beat myself up over mistakes that I made, things I said but maybe shouldn't have, things that I regret. Etc., etc.

The answer? I feel like I need to be perfect.

I know it's not expected of me, and I don't expect it of others (we're all human), but I just expect it of myself. And I don't know why.

sometimes i will let myself not be perfect. and for that one moment, everything is perfect. and then that moment ends. And I go back–to overthinking, to anxiety. {Sorry about the Tangled quote, there...actually, no, I'm not}

For some bizarre reason, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. And I know that it's a little bit ridiculous.

I'm sure that we've all felt like this at times. Some more than others, but I think almost everyone has felt this desire–this need to be perfect at/in everything all the time–at some point in their life.

For me, this desire brings about anxiety and stress. I honestly so try hard to not let it get to me. But sometimes it's hard. Especially this semester. This semester it has been really hard. I've struggled with several things–from consistent and personal scripture study/prayer, to accepting the fact that people act and react in different ways and just because they don't react the way that I expected/wanted them to doesn't mean that they don't like me/love me/accept me for who I am, to realizing there are some personal things about myself that I thought I had gotten past but really haven't yet.

Honestly I think the biggest reason why this has been so hard for me this semester is because I've struggled with accepting the fact that I don't know where my life is going, and I've struggled a bit with accepting that I am where I'm meant to be. I love where I am, but you know, I've got all these friends in my life who are out there, DOING something–they're on a mission, getting married, traveling across the country, etc.

Not that what I'm doing isn't important–getting an education is very important–I just feel like I don't get recognition for doing what I'm doing (College is HARD. Did you know that? It's SO difficult!). Not that I want it all the time, but just once it would be nice to hear, "You're doing great! I'm proud of you! Keep it up!" (Don't tell me that just because I told you I want to be told that). My top two love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and, if I'm being honest,  I feel like I don't get enough of them. This is possibly another reason as to why I do some of the things I do–I guess I try to make up for it [not getting enough love through my love languages] by giving love to others others–by bringing love and light to the lives of the people who are most important to me, and trying to lift them up and bring them a little bit of happiness, which also explains the need to constantly be there for said people in my life–I don't want them to feel like I do. Plus, I feel a lot better when I am making sure that other people are loved and happy.

Okay, now that I've talked about a few of the things that I'm feeling, and that you have probably felt sometimes, too, I'm going to share some thoughts from a few prophets and leaders of the Lord that address several of the things that I've brought up.

President Russell M. Nelson, then Elder Nelson, said in 1995, "The perfection that the Savior envisions for us is much more than errorless performance. It is the eternal expectation as expressed by the Lord in his great intercessory prayer to his Father—that we might be made perfect and be able to dwell with them in the eternities ahead." And it is not meant to be achieved in this life! He goes on to say that, "That Jesus attained eternal perfection following his resurrection is confirmed in the Book of Mormon... Resurrection is requisite for eternal perfection." God's purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. We are meant to grow and become perfect with His help, but it will take time. So, even though at this time in my life I apparently feel like I need to be perfect right now (when I know that I am not expected to be 100% perfect now), I need to remember it takes time–to forgive, to heal, to repent, and to become perfected.


In 2002, President Monson said, "I have always felt that if we speak in generalities, we rarely have success; but if we speak in specifics, we will rarely have a failure. Therefore, I urge that you exemplify in your lives four tested, specific virtues. They are:

1. 1. An attitude of gratitude,
2. 2. A longing for learning,
3. 3. A devotion to discipline, and
4. 4. A willingness to work."

I absolutely LOVED this! Here is one thing he said for each of the different virtues:

"Be grateful for your mother, for your father, for your family, and for your friends...They love you; they pray for you; they serve you. You are precious in their sight and in the sight of your Heavenly Father. He hears your prayers. He extends to you His peace and His love. Stay close to Him and to His Son, and you will not walk alone."

"We can find truth in the scriptures, the teachings of the prophets, the instructions from our parents, and the inspiration that comes to us as we bend our knees and seek the help of God."

"The battle for self-discipline may leave you a bit bruised and battered but always a better person. Self-discipline is a rigorous process at best; too many of us want it to be effortless and painless. Should temporary setbacks afflict us, a very significant part of our struggle for self-discipline is the determination and the courage to try again."

"President J. Reuben Clark, many years ago a counselor in the First Presidency, said: 'I believe that we are here to work, and I believe there is no escape from it. I think that we cannot get that thought into our souls and into our beings too soon. Work we must, if we shall succeed or if we shall advance. There is no other way.'"

I loved his talk! Focusing on specific goals and things to work on helps me get outside of me and not be so...I don't want to say self-centered because that's not exactly it but that's the only way I can think to say it. Anyway, I've found that having specific goals helps me be more aware of my surroundings and more aware of my Savior.

In a talk by Sister Elaine S. Dalton in 2004, the three topics she addresses are, "Believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided." 

• "Before you came to this earth you were tutored at your Father’s knee. You have been reserved to come to the earth for a special purpose. There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well. You have a destiny to fulfill. Your righteous example as one of the believers will make a difference in the world, so “be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33)."
• "The Lord has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88)." 
• "Everything in the scriptures is applicable to our lives. The scriptures answer our questions, they provide role models and heroes, and they help us understand how to handle challenges and trials. Many times the scriptures you read will be the answer to your prayers."

I loved her talk. :) It was a good one to read. Believe in yourself! Believe in what you can do, in who you are, and in what you are capable of. Believe that you are loved and wanted. I have trouble with this sometimes (just as a whole, not specifically that last sentence). But I am working on it. :)

As I've been working on this post all week, I've been thinking and learning a lot about myself and the Lord. I've been working on my scripture study and prayers this week, and I've been doing really good this week. And because of that, I've felt at peace a lot this week. There are still some things that I didn't get answers to this week, which is okay–I think that the Lord is working on answering them. Sometimes you just have to have faith, and I do. Life is good. I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior, I love my family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school here at BYU, and I'm grateful for the Bishopric and their wives. They are so amazing and wonderful and I love them. I'm also super grateful for my visiting teachers! They're super wonderful and always willing to help me and I'm so thankful for that. :) This has been a helpful week for me as I've been writing this post and finding/figuring some stuff out that I don't know to fix, but I know that Heavenly Father will help me fix them. In 1 John 4:18, it says, "18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I know that the Lord loves us all perfectly and wants to help us become better. And I know that His love makes everything better, and gets rid of the fear–it gets rid of the anxiety. When I remember, and focus on it, His love heals. And for that I am grateful. 

One last thought...here are a few songs that I loved and thought they encompassed what I've been trying to work on, what I've been feeling, and what the Lord does for you:
He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks ( LDS ) with Lyrics - YouTube
Colbie Caillat - Try - YouTube
Sometimes He Lets it Rain - YouTube

I love you and so does your Heavenly Father. Hope you have a lovely week! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Take a leap of faith.

I had the opportunity to go to my friend's farewell today, and he did a great job!! He and his brothers also sang a beautiful a cappella arrangement of "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" and it gave me goosebumps!!

He gave his talk on the importance of the Holy Ghost, and the importance of living worthily to have the Spirit as a companion. He based his talk off of President Henry B. Eyring's talk entitled "The Holy Ghost Is Your Companion". He said that the Holy Ghost gives us the power to discern truth from falsehood, and that the truth that matters most is verified only by revelation from God. The Holy Ghost also gives us hope and comfort; we are able to know of things that we otherwise might not see or feel. We need the Holy Ghost so that he can give us guidance and direction.

I know that this is so true!! Sometimes I've felt like I should say something or send something to a friend and I didn't know why, but I would later find that what I said or sent them was something that they really needed at that time. So grateful for the Holy Ghost and so grateful for the opportunities that I have had to be the answer to someone's prayers. <3

The speaker after my friend was a man in his ward. He based his talk off of Elder James B. Martino's talk entitled "Turn to Him and Answers Will Come". He talked about Lehi's dream. He said something very intriguing. He said that our parents led us to the iron rod. And then he said that missionaries lead the lost and wandering to the rod. I thought that was very cool; I've never thought about that before, but that's what the missionaries are doing.

He said that to continue holding on to the rod, and staying on the right path, we need to:

• be converted to the Gospel (and to Jesus Christ. That's my two cents)
• continue in obedience. We need to follow the commandments. Remember when you've felt the Spirit. He said that a lack of spiritual habits seems to make you forget those times that you've felt the Spirit. He said don't give up. Never give up.
• Trials! I thought this one was interesting. Our trials are a great teacher. They give us experience and are for our good. It's never occurred to me that trials help us stay on the path–so long as you turn to Christ. If you let your trial take over your life, then it can lead you astray. So long as you turn to Christ, and Heavenly Father, your trial will help you grow.

His talk gave me a few insights into Lehi's dream, and staying on the path, that I'd never thought of before.

After my friend's farewell, I went back to my home ward. I pretty much missed Sunday School, but in Relief Society, Sister Nelson talked about adversity!!! I was like, "HEY! I had a trial this week!" It's still a trial, but man, was this lesson a blessing! 

We talked about how everyone has trials, and we always have trials. We are here on earth to have trials. Trials help us grow. When we remember that our Heavenly Father has helped us through our trials, that helps us be positive–we've been through them before, and He has always brought us through them, so He will bring us through this one. The Savior is also with us, and we are never alone. He is always there to help us. You just need to turn to Him and ask. 

We then talked about how the world is becoming more and more dangerous. But we don't have to fear because we have the Gospel, and we have the Savior. He will never leave us. He will come when the time is right. We need to remember that the Lord knows what He is doing. He will always be in front, beside, and behind us. "Doubt not, fear not."

Then we talked about things that can help us not fear the tribulations of the last days:

Faith and hope:

-They can dispel fear.

-Faith and fear cannot exist at the same time.

One of the ways to dispel fear is to stop fearing and just do it. Trust in the Lord. Take a leap of faith, and just step into the darkness. He will not let you fall.

In our trials, there is always a lesson to be learned; you just have to find it. The Lord is watching out for us. Our trials are for our good; they are to make us better. Some things we can only learn through our trials (as I posted yesterday). Our Heavenly Father is molding us for something more–He knows who we can become. 

And because today is Valentine's Day, I want to say something about that. :)

I am single this year (not that that's a significant change from any other year). And this is to all of my other single friends (and also to those who already are in a relationship). You have to love yourself first! You are the person who is going to be with you forever–even when no one is around. You're sort of stuck with yourself. So learn to love yourself. Figure yourself out first. That's what I'm doing right now. I am learning about myself. I've had to take some leaps of faith–I am still a shy person, so it's been difficult sometimes, discovering things about myself, but on the whole it's been fun. :) I'm grateful for my Savior, and my Heavenly Father, who love me unconditionally. I'm grateful for my friends and family–they love me, even on my bad days. They're always there for me, and I know that I can turn to them whenever I need them. This year has been great so far, but hopefully it will be even better than I imagine it will. :)

Singing and blessings.

Hey!! I don't remember if I told you guys that I auditioned to be able to sing the song "Together" at the movie premiere of Once I Was A Beehive and have my version of that song recorded for the soundtrack. ANYWAY, that's what happened. And I got to the top fifty and I was so excited!! So I told everyone to share/vote for me, and they all tried so hard, I'm so grateful for them, but I didn't move on to the top ten. And I never checked back because I felt really, really sad. So, I was on Facebook earlier today, and the Facebook page for the movie shared the video of the person who won. I just have to say that she has a really good voice, but I'm just really sad. Because guess why? The girl who won....is eleven years old. And I was on Facebook a few minutes ago, and this picture popped up and just made me want to cry and cry:

It made me want to cry because this is now the third time that I've auditioned for something and I haven't gotten in/it. The first two times I auditioned for the school's talent show, and I didn't get it. Right before the first one, though (I think it was the first one, anyway), I got the solo in our stake's "Stand In Holy Places" production, and that made me so, so happy! Anyway, so I didn't get into the talent show, and that made me sad. And now I didn't get the movie thing, and I got beat by an eleven-year-old. Is God telling me that I shouldn't go into music with my voice?? I don't know, and it's making me sad and frustrated. (Also, just FYI–I have been crying a bit as I've been writing this. I'm okay, but I just haven't let out my feelings about not moving on in the competition and I feel like I need to do that.)

I know He loves me, but I just feel like all of these things aren't a coincidence, and I don't know what to do. I absolutely LOVE singing, and I don't know what I'll do if I can't do something with it for the rest of my life. I mean, yes, I love playing the violin, but I also love singing, and I have been singing for longer than I have been performing, and I am just so confused. 

I'm going to start praying and studying my scriptures about this; see if I can find an answer. 

OH!!!! I remember where I was going to go with this. I think I didn't get the movie thing because I'm still a little sick, and singing/talking is hard for me because I keep coughing. Blech! :/ 

ANYWAY.

I'm getting off topic (I do that a lot, in case you haven't noticed). The point of this post was not to cry (though I often cry while writing because I am an emotional person, especially lately since I'm going to college in less than three weeks. EEEK!!!); it was to let you know that God has bigger things planned for you. He has greater things in store. I'm so grateful that He can see ahead on my life's path, because sometimes I get so caught up in the now, and in the past, that sometimes I forget that there's so much more out there for me. I'm so much more than who I was, and who I am. I can be a greater person than I am. God knows what He is doing, and He is guiding me to who He needs me to be and who He knows I can be. 

All of these trials are going to make me a better person. I normally know that, but right now I have faith that they will because sometimes I don't know things; sometimes I just have faith. I know that all of these things will make me a better person and help me in the future. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.