The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.

It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

Just what I needed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days, and today during the sacrament this was something that I really thought I should share:

Sometimes letting go is hard. But I know that sometimes it is better than holding on. It's like that analogy of holding on or clinging to the rope. It is more painful than letting go. And I know the struggle–I know it is SO HARD to let go. But sometimes holding on is just too painful, and you have to let go, otherwise you're going to be miserable and unhappy forever. And eventually, you will find something better to replace what you've lost. I ask God every day to help me let go of things that are hurting me, and to guide me to something better. I have faith that He will, and that He is. 

I saw this picture on Facebook last night that I loved:

And I shared it with this thought (that, to be honest, was sort of the inspiration for my thoughts today during the sacrament): "Sometimes it's hard to have charity. Being patient is hard. Being kind can be hard. What's also hard is realizing that you can have charity towards those who have done you wrong, but that doesn't mean that you condone their actions or that you let them keep hurting you. Sometimes forgiving them and letting them go is the hardest part, but it will be better for you in the long run." 

The choir sang in sacrament today! It went pretty well, considering we were sorely lacking in women's voices. Hopefully as people move in, we will get a few more ladies.

The topic for sacrament meeting today was the power of prayer. There were a couple of things that were said that either I loved, or brought a cool new insight to prayer that I thought I'd share:
-Real intent means that you have to be willing to work for what you asked God for. 
-Power in our life comes from the relationship we have with God.
-We can overcome (anything) with the power of prayer.
-You can't have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father without prayer.

Sunday School was awesome today and just what I needed! Which will be odd once you know what the topic of the lesson was on: marriage. I know, I know–what a weird lesson for a single Mattie to have needed. But Clarissa used a lot of quotes from President Hinckley, and focused on the fact that we are just as needed, and important to our Heavenly Father. Being single is just a word. We're still people. We're not less because we're single. Everyone–everyone–is different. But! We're all striving to become someone. And we are all needed. There are so many people who need us. Don't think for a moment that you aren't needed, because that is not true at all. Your point of view is needed in this world.

Relief Society was also fabulous and just what I needed! We talked about learning and education! Which I have honestly been struggling with a little bit, but just hearing that we as women are told specifically that we, too, should get an education, was great. Someone also said today that, "We have more capacity [to learn] than we realize." I loved that. Sometimes we all falter and struggle because we think that we can only learn so much, or go so far, but that's not true! We can do SO MUCH more than we could possibly imagine!

I'm grateful for the lessons today. They were just what I needed to hear! I'm grateful to my Father in Heaven who hears my prayers and answers them. I'm grateful for friends who listen to the Spirit and prepare what God needs them to.

Xoxo
Mattie