"Live by faith, not by fear."

"Live by faith and not by fear." I saw this quote earlier this week on Facebook, and it was a beautiful tender mercy and reminder for me. 

To be completely frank with you, this week has been really stressful for me. I have been finalizing my prep for next week, when I start teaching the preschool!! I am very excited but also very nervous. I have been really stressed about other things in my life, too, but they are more personal and I am not ready to get into that right now. However, what I want to say is this: I have not entirely been okay. Am I excited and happy that I won’t be bouncing around the classrooms at work quite as much? Yeah! I’m happy that my schedule will be a little more consistent. I am excited to get to decorate my own classroom every couple of weeks. I am excited to get to teach the kiddos all about foods and flavors in the next two weeks, and then all of the other themes after that. Yeah, I am excited for all of that! 

But I’m also nervous. I’m scared. I have a curriculum to follow but I’m worried I’m going to do it wrong. I’m worried that I’m not going to do things right. I’m worried that I am going to mess up. I’m worried that it’s not going to be fun for the kids. I’m worried that I’m going to forget all of my training for this job. I’m worried that I’m going to forget to breathe. I am worried that I am going to forget to live my life.

As soon as I found out I was going to be teaching the preschool, my life was changed in an instant. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been really stressed and worried. I fear I haven’t been the greatest friend lately, and I fear that I haven’t been the greatest disciple of Christ, either. I have complained far too much and I have been unnecessarily moody and impatient. So I wanted to apologize to all who have been impacted by my complaints, moodiness, and impatience. I am really sorry. I am trying to be better, but there is a lot going on in my head/life at the moment, and I am not doing too great of a job. Please hold on a little longer–I will get there, I promise. It’s just taking me awhile. In the meantime, just know that I appreciate you for listening and putting up with my complaints. I really do. And I will listen just as hard when you need someone to listen. And if you need help fixing something, I’ll do my best. But if you just need someone to vent to, I’m your girl. Because hey–we all need someone to listen, I really like listening, and it’s the least I can do.

I know that Satan wants me to be really upset with myself and focus on all the things that I am getting wrong. Lately, I think that he has been getting into my head a little bit. I am going to make more of an effort this week to not let him get to me. I think that I have been letting my mind and my problems run my life lately, and it has made me stressed, sad, and afraid.

I can be doing better. I should be doing better. This week I'm going to start over and try again. I'm going to try to let go of all my stresses, worries, fears, and anxieties, and turn them over to my Heavenly Father. Then I'm going to try to remember that He loves me and wants what is best for me, and I am going to focus on my relationship with Him, and my relationship with myself.

This week is going to be my first week teaching my own class and I'm really excited! I am also nervous but as long as I focus on one day at a time, I think that I will be fine.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and wants me to learn and grow. I'm grateful for all the chances that He gives me to repent and try again. I'm grateful for the love and support of my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful that They do not give up on me, even when I am not doing all that I should be doing all the time.

I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and care for me no matter what. I am grateful for where I am in my life right now and I am excited for the next couple of months in my life as I begin to teach. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life the last few months especially, but also in the last four years while I was going to school and trying to figure out what to do with my life next. Now that I am done with school and working full-time, I am looking forward to having more time to focus on myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to live by faith. I need to trust Him.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Wish me luck with my first week of teaching! I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Xoxo
Mattie

What's the point? Love.

There are times when I feel very lost, scared, and alone. There are times when I feel insecure, unloved, and broken. There are times when I feel like I made a terrible mistake, and that I should have known better. But when I look back...I might have been lost and scared, yes, but I wasn't alone. I might have been insecure and broken, but I wasn't unloved. I might have made a terrible mistake, and I probably should have known better, yes, but mistakes are meant to be learned from.

I think that negative feelings are meant to be learned from, too, because all of these times were times that I learned something. I learned that God is always with me, and I don't have to be scared because I'm not alone. I learned that God takes my brokenness and uses it to build me up again because He loves me so much. I learned that sometimes I'm human, and I make mistakes because I'm human...but that doesn't mean that God doesn't love me still.

When I learn from my mistakes, and I don't make them again...I'm taking a step forward. Sometimes I repeat the mistake again...and that's okay. I'm not perfect, and sometimes it takes awhile for things to sink in. But no matter what...God still loves me. He is with me every step of the way, and He is supporting me through all of my mistakes and decisions...every. single. time.

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What's the point? What's the point of being here? I think that the point is to love. We do this by 1) gaining a relationship with our Father in Heaven (Love God); 2) gaining a relationship with ourself (love yourself); 3) gaining a relationship with our neighbors (love your neighbor); and 4) spreading love and kindness. This is the Gospel according to Mattie, so it's not doctrine, but I think it's a pretty solid foundation to at least start with. Because this is really what Jesus did...Jesus loved everyone, and aren't we trying to be like Jesus?

I think it's really important to love others. I really do. I think it's important for everyone to feel loved, listened to, and to feel like they matter, because they are loved, and they do matter. It's important for everyone to have someone who supports them in their trials, and it's important for everyone to have someone in their life that they can count on to be there, through the good times and the bad times.

I know that when I am focused on serving other people...my struggles and trials seem to slip my mind...and they become less important, and less of a worry. And everything seems to work out. The things I am worried about not only fade into the background, but somehow work themselves out.

When I am focused on my relationship with my Father in Heaven, I find that I have more time for things. Not only do I have more time to do my homework, but I also have more motivation to do my homework. I have more time to study my scriptures, and go to the temple.

God is so loving, you guys. He really is. He has made it possible for us to be able to return to Him through the atoning sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ loves us so much that He was willing to take upon Him all the pains, afflictions, sins, and temptations of the world...as well as many, many more things. He knows all that you have gone through, and He knows how to help you through it. You just have to turn to Him. He will bless you and be with you the whole time. There is nothing you have experienced that He hasn't also experienced. He knows how it felt when you broke you arm falling out of the tree that you climbed to impress your friends; He knows how it felt when your best friend moved out of state; He knows how it felt when your dad passed away...He knows all of these things and more. Any heartache you've experienced, He has, too. Any mistakes you've made...He knows how to help you through them.

I highly recommend you listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7aXoDGSKos It's an amazing cover and it's so, so, SO beautiful! I am so happy that I was able to find this song because it's such a special song that bears testimony of the love that God has for us no matter what.

I hope you know that I love you. I really do. I want you to be happy. And I know that God loves you too. He loves to hear from you–He loves to hear about your day, and He loves to hear about the things that you are going through. He loves when we pray to Him and ask Him to bless those around us. He loves when we pray and ask to feel His Spirit, and when we ask for help in blessing those around us.

I hope you have a wonderful week! I hope you are able to see the hand of God in your life this week–even if it is just once this week. I hope you are able to understand and recognize His love for you this week.

Xoxo
Mattie