My expectation is not always His execution.

Even though it is difficult to talk about at times, I am grateful to be able to share my experience with infertility. I have been able to connect with those of my friends who have experienced the same or similar situations, and it has been helpful for me to be able to discuss my feelings with someone who knows what I am going through. 

It has been hard, at times, to keep my chin up. Knowing that we are doing all we can, and just waiting on the Lord's timing, can be quite frustrating, especially when I look around and see so many people who are expecting–or have just had–a baby. It's just another reminder of what I desire, and what I am unable to have at this time. It is dispiriting to not know why it isn't happening for us right now. 

However, I have been able to find comfort in the scriptures, and in messages from prophets, apostles, and other general authorities of the Church. I am so grateful for the experiences of the Lord's people in the scriptures, for the comfort and peace that I can receive as I study and learn from their lives.

Knowing that I share the same challenges as Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, and Elkanah and Hannah, to name a few, is comforting. To know that God included these stories in the scriptures for me to learn from and understand, is heartening. To know that these faithful women were still faithful throughout their trials as they waited upon the Lord, is inspiring. To know that, as I continue to be faithful, and continue to find joy in my life, as these women did in theirs, that I will be at peace as I wait upon the Lord, is uplifting.

While there are moments, periods of time, days, even, that are more difficult than others, I remember the promise of the Lord. I remember that, as I am faithful, and continue to do as He has asked me, I will be blessed. Whether in this life or the next. As hard as it is to understand why it's not happening now, the assurance that He will provide me with the blessings He has promised keeps me going.

Last week, I was watching a video that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints produced in a video series they call "Hope Works". This video, entitled "Embrace the Hit: My Darkest Hour", really resonated with me. Something she said struck home with me: 

"This collision was beyond a forcible wave that crashes over you. It felt like I was paddling in the deepest ocean, and I was slowly drowning. And during those weeks, I felt the impact of how much hope can hurt. It can be exhausting to want something good and not know why it can't be what you know or what you thought it should be right now.  ...the more demanding the trial, the larger your capacity grows in the opposite direction for joy."

I had yet to find a description of how I have been feeling about our journey with infertility and how hard it is to hold out hope every month. Then, during this video, she said exactly what I have been feeling, and I couldn't help but be grateful for my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. This video message was just what I needed to remind me that I am not alone in my trials, and I am not forgotten.

Right now, this is my darkest hour. Each time where I have been hopeful, only for that test to be negative, has been excruciatingly painful. But the most painful one by far was when the test was positive, but the following test a few days later was negative. That was heart-wrenching; I felt like my body was failing me. It has taken time for me to understand that it is not failing me in the sense that I thought it was. 

What gives me hope is that I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He has communicated with me about the expansion of our family, and I am doing my best to follow Him. I am coming to understand that, while He has communicated with me about our family, my expectation is not always His execution. However, knowing that He is walking with me every step of the way, and guiding me through it, is reassuring. As I am following His light, and studying His words, I am healing–slowly but surely.

What gives me hope is that we are learning more about my personal journey and experience with PCOS, and that that is part of what God is wanting me to learn at this time. I am coming to understand that this is part of His plan for me. While much of life is uncertain, one thing I know is that I am not alone. Not only is God with me, I have a loving support system of family and friends who are there for me, too.

Xoxo

Mattie

I am learning.

First things first: I had the opportunity to go to the BYU Spectacular with some friends last night and it was AMAZING!!! Kristin Chenoweth is fantastic, and Gentri and Vocal Point were awesome! So thankful that I had the opportunity to see it with them, and I'm glad they had fun!!

Second: I missed posting last week because it was General Conference and I had a lot of stuff going on. But! I have a lot of things that I learned in this past week, and am still learning, that I wanted to share:

I am learning that I can do hard things.

I am learning that I am more capable than I realize.

I am learning that I am not alone.

I am learning that I am strong.

I am learning that I can be happy, even when I'm going through tough things.

I am learning that God loves me so much, He's saving me from a lot of pain.

I am learning that I am loved.

I am learning that patience is a virtue.

I am learning that emotions are sometimes REALLY HARD to deal with!

I am learning that I have the roommates that I need in my life right now.

I am learning that I can't always fix things.

I am learning that stress doesn't fix anything.

I am learning that you can't always see the other side.

I am learning that you can't let the past define you.

I am learning that you can't let the past get ahead of you and keep you from your future.

I am learning that God's plan for me isn't the same as mine, and that our timelines probably aren't even close to being similar, but I'm also learning that that's okay.

I am learning that peace comes from the Book of Mormon, especially when I'm stressed.

I am learning that life is hard, but I am so tough, and I have God on my side.

Some of these things I've already previously learned, but had forgotten. Some of them are new.  Either way, they're all still worth knowing and learning. It's been a crazy week, and I've had a lot going on, and I've been through a lot. I've had a lot of talks with my roommates, and I've learned way too many things about myself in one week than is probably healthy haha but it has been helpful. My roommate gave me a few goals to work on in the next couple of weeks, and I think that they will help me in one aspect specifically, but I've learned that generally they all blend together, so it will probably help me in more than one.

I am grateful for my roommates. They show so much strength in times of hardship and sorrow. I'm so grateful that they are all kind, loving, and have such wonderful testimonies. I am learning lots from them every single day, and I am so grateful for that.

Xoxo
Mattie

Worries, the future, and how Heavenly Father can help me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not ever going to go anywhere. I feel like it's not going to work out. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish what I want to accomplish and what I want to do. I feel like it's just not going to work--I'm never going to be famous, or well-known, and I'm never going to get married. Like, I have two friends who recently got married and my cousin is getting married next Saturday, and my other cousin got married several months ago. And I just can't see how it's going to work out for me, and that scares me. It's scary.

Thinking about the future is not always my favorite thing because it scares me. I just...who would ever want to be with me forever? I just...I can't see it. And I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone, and I'm scared that what I want for my future--a music career, and a family--I'm scared it's never going to happen. I'm scared I'm going to fall back. I'm scared that I won't ever find someone who'll love me when I tell him what I did. Because I have to. I am going to have to tell him what I did. I haven't told very many people about it--less than five, myself included. But I am going to have to tell my future husband, and I am going to tell him before we decide to be married because I feel like that is right. But I'm afraid that it will scare him away.

I know that Heavenly Father can help me. I need to talk to Him today. But I'm just so afraid. I know that He knows what is best for me, and I know that He knows all about me, and I know that He knows all about my future husband, and I know that He loves me. But I'm still scared. I'm still afraid. I love Him and honor Him and know that He will help me make it through life, but right now I can't see it. I'm blind to my future. We all are. When we can't see what's ahead of us, sometimes we shut down. We feel like we can't do it, and it won't happen. I know He loves me, and I know He's helping me. I need to turn to Him–I'll admit that it's been a few days.

I'm going to miss high school. I was walking through the halls today, and I just thought, "Man, I'm going to miss this." But then I was walking up the steps home, and I thought, "I'm not going to miss high school." My mind is so torn. I am going to miss my teachers (mostly my orchestra teacher. I love her so much and I have learned so much from her and I'm so glad that I have gotten to know her these past three years.) and my friends. But I'm also ready to move on. I'm just so ready to be done. But I'm scared about the future. I'm frightened that I won't be able to do what I really love. I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone to love me for me. I want to be married in the temple, and I'm worried that I'm not worthy and that I'll never find someone who'll love me–bruises, mistakes, scars, and all.

I've been told I worry too much, and it's true. But I can't help it. I don't know what else to do! I think that's part of the reason why I'm always happy and bubbly and bouncy–because it keeps my mind off the worries. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I worry the most. And that's not always a good thing. But that is why we have a Savior. He is there to help me, and take away that burden. Sometimes I forget. But He did not just suffer and die for my sins and mistakes. He suffered and died for my heartaches. For my miseries. For my sufferings. For all of the worries I've had. For all of the deaths that have affected my life. For all of it. He suffered and died so that He could help. He suffered and died so that I would not be alone.  So that I would have someone to turn to who knew exactly what I've been through. So that I would not be afraid.

I'm grateful for Him. I love Him. I know He loves me, even when I've made mistakes. Even when I've turned away, or fallen, or forgotten. Even when I doubted, He still loved me. And I want a relationship like that. I want my future husband to love me, even when I make mistakes. Even when I might close up to him. Even when I feel afraid. Even when I feel left out. Even when I feel alone. I want him to still love me. I want him to still care. I want him to still be there for me. My daddy and my Savior have set the bar very high, and I will not take less than what they have shown me. I'm a princess, and I deserve a prince. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, because I sure don't know what I'm doing!