God blessed the broken road.

I am feeling so grateful and blessed! It has been quite a week! What with feeling pumped from conference, getting a bunch of calls from places that I applied to, getting 1st place at the BYU Fulton Conference in the college of Family Life, to getting A JOB FOR AFTER GRADUATION! I am so excited for it! I can't believe my dreams are coming true! I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father! I know that He has been blessing me lately, even when I couldn't always see it. I am thankful for the confirmation from Him that this is what He wants me to do.

Yesterday I went to the temple and I ran into two friends and it was so nice to see them! I also was able to really just feel the Spirit, and feel confirmation and peace about the things that I have planned for the future.

I absolutely LOVED the talks in sacrament meeting today! Sarah talked a lot about personal revelation, spiritual experiences, and gaining a testimony. My favorite thing that she talked about was how mental health, spirituality, and revelation go hand-in-hand. Sometimes your body can't receive revelation and you think that God isn't talking to you but that's not true. He is always there and He is always speaking to you. I really loved it because I've felt like God isn't speaking to me, and looking back, it's been in the past few years...which is when my mental health took a decline. So my body wasn't capable of receiving revelation...because my mind was sick. Once Sarah put that thought into words, things made a lot more sense.

In Relief Society today we talked about what we loved about conference. I loved what someone said she got from conference...She said, "Don't judge...just help each other and do your best." I love this because I got a similar message from conference. I got a message of love, service, and just trying your best.

Someone said, "Everything makes sense with the gospel because everything is because of the gospel." I loved that. Life is made easier with the gospel–with Christ–because everything is because of the gospel, and because of Christ. When my life is centered in Christ, and in the gospel, everything makes sense. I might not always understand what's going on, but I know that, no matter what, He is with me, and He loves me.

One of the last things we were talking about was how we should step forward and trust the Lord. Take His promptings for you and show Him that you trust Him. I really feel like I have been trying to do this lately. I have been trying to show Him that I trust Him. I realized that I needed to choose. I needed to make a decision about where I wanted to go. I had been asking and asking Heavenly Father to help guide me to making the decision...but I wasn't getting an answer. I felt like He was silent...but looking back, His silence was the answer. He left the decision up to me. So when I finally made a decision...I told Him if He didn't approve of my decision, He'd have to be very obvious in letting me know that He had a different idea for me. And He paved the way for me to get the job, so I knew that He approved of my choice.

I am very blessed and grateful for so many things that I have been blessed with...the blessing of music, the blessing of family, the blessing of love, the blessing of revelation, and the blessing of peace. I am so grateful for loving friends who are always willing to lend a helping hand and a listening ear.

I know that things happen for a reason, and I know that God has led me to today, and to this job. I am so grateful for the chance I have to be a part of something that I love and something that inspires me. I am so excited for the future and for the next adventures of my life! I am grateful that my Heavenly Father is so loving and kind. I am grateful that He is always there for me and that He supports me in all of my endeavors and dreams.

Xoxo
Mattie

Worries, the future, and how Heavenly Father can help me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not ever going to go anywhere. I feel like it's not going to work out. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish what I want to accomplish and what I want to do. I feel like it's just not going to work--I'm never going to be famous, or well-known, and I'm never going to get married. Like, I have two friends who recently got married and my cousin is getting married next Saturday, and my other cousin got married several months ago. And I just can't see how it's going to work out for me, and that scares me. It's scary.

Thinking about the future is not always my favorite thing because it scares me. I just...who would ever want to be with me forever? I just...I can't see it. And I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone, and I'm scared that what I want for my future--a music career, and a family--I'm scared it's never going to happen. I'm scared I'm going to fall back. I'm scared that I won't ever find someone who'll love me when I tell him what I did. Because I have to. I am going to have to tell him what I did. I haven't told very many people about it--less than five, myself included. But I am going to have to tell my future husband, and I am going to tell him before we decide to be married because I feel like that is right. But I'm afraid that it will scare him away.

I know that Heavenly Father can help me. I need to talk to Him today. But I'm just so afraid. I know that He knows what is best for me, and I know that He knows all about me, and I know that He knows all about my future husband, and I know that He loves me. But I'm still scared. I'm still afraid. I love Him and honor Him and know that He will help me make it through life, but right now I can't see it. I'm blind to my future. We all are. When we can't see what's ahead of us, sometimes we shut down. We feel like we can't do it, and it won't happen. I know He loves me, and I know He's helping me. I need to turn to Him–I'll admit that it's been a few days.

I'm going to miss high school. I was walking through the halls today, and I just thought, "Man, I'm going to miss this." But then I was walking up the steps home, and I thought, "I'm not going to miss high school." My mind is so torn. I am going to miss my teachers (mostly my orchestra teacher. I love her so much and I have learned so much from her and I'm so glad that I have gotten to know her these past three years.) and my friends. But I'm also ready to move on. I'm just so ready to be done. But I'm scared about the future. I'm frightened that I won't be able to do what I really love. I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone to love me for me. I want to be married in the temple, and I'm worried that I'm not worthy and that I'll never find someone who'll love me–bruises, mistakes, scars, and all.

I've been told I worry too much, and it's true. But I can't help it. I don't know what else to do! I think that's part of the reason why I'm always happy and bubbly and bouncy–because it keeps my mind off the worries. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I worry the most. And that's not always a good thing. But that is why we have a Savior. He is there to help me, and take away that burden. Sometimes I forget. But He did not just suffer and die for my sins and mistakes. He suffered and died for my heartaches. For my miseries. For my sufferings. For all of the worries I've had. For all of the deaths that have affected my life. For all of it. He suffered and died so that He could help. He suffered and died so that I would not be alone.  So that I would have someone to turn to who knew exactly what I've been through. So that I would not be afraid.

I'm grateful for Him. I love Him. I know He loves me, even when I've made mistakes. Even when I've turned away, or fallen, or forgotten. Even when I doubted, He still loved me. And I want a relationship like that. I want my future husband to love me, even when I make mistakes. Even when I might close up to him. Even when I feel afraid. Even when I feel left out. Even when I feel alone. I want him to still love me. I want him to still care. I want him to still be there for me. My daddy and my Savior have set the bar very high, and I will not take less than what they have shown me. I'm a princess, and I deserve a prince. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, because I sure don't know what I'm doing!

I can do hard things.

So, I just have to say that I got into BYU!!!! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life, but first, I have to finish the current one. Bleh, haha...High school is hard–third term especially. But I know I can do it. I can do hard things. God is on my side, and He will not let me fail as long as I do my part. I'm so excited and glad that I got into the school I wanted to. I know that I will learn and grow there in ways that I never could elsewhere, and I also know that I will meet people that will help me in my life–for better or for worse, they will have an impact on me–and I on them. I will need to "be strong and of good courage" (1) and "stand in holy places" (2) because no one will be there to tell me what to do. But I can do it, and I can be an example for those around me. I know that God knows what He is doing and I know that I can be a good example and do good things at BYU. Wish me luck! :)

1-Joshua 1:9
2-D&C 87:8

Babysitting.

Okay, so I was just thinking about babysitting because I babysat tonight. I love babysitting with all of my heart because it's a whole different experience. It's a chance for me to get to be familiar with dealing with different types of children. Some children are easy-going and listen well. Some children are very creative and listen (mostly). Some children bring out the tears when they aren't getting what they want and twist your heart into giving in. And that's just a drop in the barrel. Anyway. I don't know what types of children my kids are going to be. I don't know if I'll have kids. I don't know if I'll have kids of my own. I don't know if I'll get married. Whatever my future holds in store for me, me being able to deal with lots of different kids is important to me. There are those random children in stores that need cheering up. There are those random kids at the park who you help swing and slide because her mama can't climb after her. I want to have the experience to be able to deal with each child differently. I need that experience. I just don't feel like there's a better place to be besides with children. Their sweet natures are so innocent and careless, and their rollercoaster attitudes make me feel right at home. Babysitting gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of being. I love being the guardian and caretaker for those kids while their parents are out. I love getting to know the kids, and how they click. I love how they come to love and trust me easily, and I love and care for them with all of my heart. I see the world differently through their eyes. I love being their role model and their idol. I love being with them. There will always be children in the world, and I will ALWAYS look after them, no matter what.