Worries, the future, and how Heavenly Father can help me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not ever going to go anywhere. I feel like it's not going to work out. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish what I want to accomplish and what I want to do. I feel like it's just not going to work--I'm never going to be famous, or well-known, and I'm never going to get married. Like, I have two friends who recently got married and my cousin is getting married next Saturday, and my other cousin got married several months ago. And I just can't see how it's going to work out for me, and that scares me. It's scary.

Thinking about the future is not always my favorite thing because it scares me. I just...who would ever want to be with me forever? I just...I can't see it. And I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone, and I'm scared that what I want for my future--a music career, and a family--I'm scared it's never going to happen. I'm scared I'm going to fall back. I'm scared that I won't ever find someone who'll love me when I tell him what I did. Because I have to. I am going to have to tell him what I did. I haven't told very many people about it--less than five, myself included. But I am going to have to tell my future husband, and I am going to tell him before we decide to be married because I feel like that is right. But I'm afraid that it will scare him away.

I know that Heavenly Father can help me. I need to talk to Him today. But I'm just so afraid. I know that He knows what is best for me, and I know that He knows all about me, and I know that He knows all about my future husband, and I know that He loves me. But I'm still scared. I'm still afraid. I love Him and honor Him and know that He will help me make it through life, but right now I can't see it. I'm blind to my future. We all are. When we can't see what's ahead of us, sometimes we shut down. We feel like we can't do it, and it won't happen. I know He loves me, and I know He's helping me. I need to turn to Him–I'll admit that it's been a few days.

I'm going to miss high school. I was walking through the halls today, and I just thought, "Man, I'm going to miss this." But then I was walking up the steps home, and I thought, "I'm not going to miss high school." My mind is so torn. I am going to miss my teachers (mostly my orchestra teacher. I love her so much and I have learned so much from her and I'm so glad that I have gotten to know her these past three years.) and my friends. But I'm also ready to move on. I'm just so ready to be done. But I'm scared about the future. I'm frightened that I won't be able to do what I really love. I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone to love me for me. I want to be married in the temple, and I'm worried that I'm not worthy and that I'll never find someone who'll love me–bruises, mistakes, scars, and all.

I've been told I worry too much, and it's true. But I can't help it. I don't know what else to do! I think that's part of the reason why I'm always happy and bubbly and bouncy–because it keeps my mind off the worries. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I worry the most. And that's not always a good thing. But that is why we have a Savior. He is there to help me, and take away that burden. Sometimes I forget. But He did not just suffer and die for my sins and mistakes. He suffered and died for my heartaches. For my miseries. For my sufferings. For all of the worries I've had. For all of the deaths that have affected my life. For all of it. He suffered and died so that He could help. He suffered and died so that I would not be alone.  So that I would have someone to turn to who knew exactly what I've been through. So that I would not be afraid.

I'm grateful for Him. I love Him. I know He loves me, even when I've made mistakes. Even when I've turned away, or fallen, or forgotten. Even when I doubted, He still loved me. And I want a relationship like that. I want my future husband to love me, even when I make mistakes. Even when I might close up to him. Even when I feel afraid. Even when I feel left out. Even when I feel alone. I want him to still love me. I want him to still care. I want him to still be there for me. My daddy and my Savior have set the bar very high, and I will not take less than what they have shown me. I'm a princess, and I deserve a prince. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, because I sure don't know what I'm doing!

Christ and His Atonement are always there for us.

Today we learned about the Atonement. I'm so, so grateful for the Atonement. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without the Atonement. It's helped me in so many ways...when I've done something wrong, when I've felt alone, when I've felt lost, when I get hurt, when I've felt sad...Christ (and His Atonement) has always been there for me, and I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that He didn't just suffer for my sins, He suffered for my pains, my afflictions, when I've had to deal with death—He suffered for all of that. He's the only one who knows EXACTLY how I feel. I mean, sure, people who have been through similar situations can kind of sympathize. Also those who have gone through the deaths that I have have felt as sad as I did, surely, but we all went through it differently, and He is the only one who knows exactly how we dealt with it, and I'm grateful that I'm not the only one who knows what I go through in life. There are times when I am extremely disappointed in myself and I feel really bad but I know that He is right there, waiting for me to make things right. Even when I don't deserve it. Even when I was so, so stupid and I did something so, so wrong and I definitely didn't deserve to be forgiven, He was (and is) right there—waiting for me to forgive myself so I can move on with my life. I know there are times when we don't feel worthy, but we need to repent. We need to change—change our heart, and our actions, and our circumstances. We sometimes try to, but we can't do it alone, which is why Heavenly Father gave us His Son, Jesus Christ. So we don't have to do it alone. We never have to do it alone. It's so hard to do it alone, so please turn to Him. He loves you so much.