Worries, the future, and how Heavenly Father can help me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not ever going to go anywhere. I feel like it's not going to work out. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish what I want to accomplish and what I want to do. I feel like it's just not going to work--I'm never going to be famous, or well-known, and I'm never going to get married. Like, I have two friends who recently got married and my cousin is getting married next Saturday, and my other cousin got married several months ago. And I just can't see how it's going to work out for me, and that scares me. It's scary.

Thinking about the future is not always my favorite thing because it scares me. I just...who would ever want to be with me forever? I just...I can't see it. And I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone, and I'm scared that what I want for my future--a music career, and a family--I'm scared it's never going to happen. I'm scared I'm going to fall back. I'm scared that I won't ever find someone who'll love me when I tell him what I did. Because I have to. I am going to have to tell him what I did. I haven't told very many people about it--less than five, myself included. But I am going to have to tell my future husband, and I am going to tell him before we decide to be married because I feel like that is right. But I'm afraid that it will scare him away.

I know that Heavenly Father can help me. I need to talk to Him today. But I'm just so afraid. I know that He knows what is best for me, and I know that He knows all about me, and I know that He knows all about my future husband, and I know that He loves me. But I'm still scared. I'm still afraid. I love Him and honor Him and know that He will help me make it through life, but right now I can't see it. I'm blind to my future. We all are. When we can't see what's ahead of us, sometimes we shut down. We feel like we can't do it, and it won't happen. I know He loves me, and I know He's helping me. I need to turn to Him–I'll admit that it's been a few days.

I'm going to miss high school. I was walking through the halls today, and I just thought, "Man, I'm going to miss this." But then I was walking up the steps home, and I thought, "I'm not going to miss high school." My mind is so torn. I am going to miss my teachers (mostly my orchestra teacher. I love her so much and I have learned so much from her and I'm so glad that I have gotten to know her these past three years.) and my friends. But I'm also ready to move on. I'm just so ready to be done. But I'm scared about the future. I'm frightened that I won't be able to do what I really love. I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone to love me for me. I want to be married in the temple, and I'm worried that I'm not worthy and that I'll never find someone who'll love me–bruises, mistakes, scars, and all.

I've been told I worry too much, and it's true. But I can't help it. I don't know what else to do! I think that's part of the reason why I'm always happy and bubbly and bouncy–because it keeps my mind off the worries. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I worry the most. And that's not always a good thing. But that is why we have a Savior. He is there to help me, and take away that burden. Sometimes I forget. But He did not just suffer and die for my sins and mistakes. He suffered and died for my heartaches. For my miseries. For my sufferings. For all of the worries I've had. For all of the deaths that have affected my life. For all of it. He suffered and died so that He could help. He suffered and died so that I would not be alone.  So that I would have someone to turn to who knew exactly what I've been through. So that I would not be afraid.

I'm grateful for Him. I love Him. I know He loves me, even when I've made mistakes. Even when I've turned away, or fallen, or forgotten. Even when I doubted, He still loved me. And I want a relationship like that. I want my future husband to love me, even when I make mistakes. Even when I might close up to him. Even when I feel afraid. Even when I feel left out. Even when I feel alone. I want him to still love me. I want him to still care. I want him to still be there for me. My daddy and my Savior have set the bar very high, and I will not take less than what they have shown me. I'm a princess, and I deserve a prince. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, because I sure don't know what I'm doing!

He is with me and He loves me no matter what.

So, I'm naturally a musical person. I love to sing and I love to play the violin. And I love musical movies. You know, like Tangled, Frozen, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc. And I love to sing along with the movies and recite my favorite lines. Well, my brothers find it annoying that I do that. Well guess what brothers? I don't care—I'll do it anyway, whether or not they like it because it's not harming anyone. But when I say something—that either took me a little while to get or understand, or I didn't think and just said it—my brother always implies that I'm stupid. And I don't like that. I hate it, actually, because he does it to everyone and it's annoying and rude. I'm not stupid—neither are any of my other siblings—but he always implies that we are. And that's just so rude. We're a family and we are supposed to be kind to each other. Sometimes I have a hard time with remembering to be patient and kind, but I know when not to cross the line into "Uh-oh, this is the mean, rude, I'm-going-to-hurt-someone" territory. But my little brothers sometimes don't. And so I'm trying to help teach them to be kind. 

So, I'm also naturally an optimistic and happy person—this annoys some of my siblings; again, I don't care—and I am trying to be the peacemaker between my siblings. Sometimes it doesn't work. But I try it anyway. I am trying to teach Tyler (and sometimes Conner)—because they forget—that the little boys are only little and they do not understand that the little boys are still growing and learning!

This next school year is going to be my senior year of high school and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I'm excited to be going to school and I'm excited to be finished. I'm also sad—I don't want summer to end and I don't want my last year to be over. I'm excited for the future, but also scared. I'm also scared for summer to end and for school to start. Really, my emotions can be boiled down to two: excited and scared. But guess what??

Did you guess? Okay, here's the real answer:

No matter what I'm going through in life—family matters, school matters, friendship matters—I can always count on my Savior and I can always turn to Him. I can always depend on His gospel to help me answer my questions and get through life. I am so grateful for His Atonement and I am so grateful that He listens to me and helps me when I need it. I have learned that He knows and loves me and He sends blessings my way when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. He will always love me—no matter what—and He will always send me help. He is always right beside me and knows the path ahead of me even though I can't see it. He is always with me. And I am so grateful that He will never leave me alone because I don't know what I would do without His hand in my life.