Every day, I just have to remember.

It is good to be home! New York was really fun but I am grateful to be home.

I learned a lot about myself while I was in New York, and today in church I learned a lot about God, personal revelation, and trials.

I saw this post on Facebook the other week that I absolutely loved.

In Psalm 23:5 it says, "thou anointest my head with oil". The post on Facebook said

“Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply! His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always! There is peace in the valley! May our good, good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings! God is good and He is faithful!!” ~Author Unknown

I loved this post! How this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'anointing'. It is a protection against things that can harm us. We use oil to anoint the heads of those that are sick in order to bless them, but it is still a protection. It is used to give a blessing, and is used for protection against further illness, injury, etc.

I really love the idea that we are the Lord's sheep. He is our Shepherd–which means He anoints us to protect us. If we are lost, He will leave those who are not lost to find us. He wants us to be safe, and knows that we are safe in numbers. Which is why He has given us families. Neighborhoods. Wards. Stakes. He has given us places and groups of people where we can be loved, cared for, and safe. We are His flock, and He has made sure that we are surrounded with people who love and care for us.

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Today in Sunday School we were reading in Acts 10, and in verse 15, it says, "What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." I loved this!! Because I have been cleansed. I am not common. I am a child of God. He has blessed me and forgiven me and given me what I need to do to bless His children. It is not my job to judge others–or even myself. That is His job. If He says I am clean, then I am clean.

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I was talking with a friend about life things, and she shared with me a story that I loved and I wanted to share it with you:

'There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. 

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO 

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."'

I really loved this story. The Lord has asked me to push–He has asked me to be obedient. He has asked me to keep my covenants. He has asked me to sacrifice and serve. He has asked me to trust in Him. That is what I am to do. He will move the rock. 

My friend also said something else that I loved. She reminded me that not only did I make a covenant with the Lord, but HE MADE A COVENANT WITH ME. He covenanted that He will be with me, no matter what. Even when I cannot perceive Him–for whatever reason–He is still there. He is still with me. He is still right beside me. 

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Right now, I cannot see what's ahead of me. A lot of the time, this really frustrates me. Especially when I am trying to ask God for help, and I cannot seem to hear His reply. But my task is to push. My task is to trust. My task is to have faith. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems as if I am not getting an answer. Even when I cannot seem to see or hear Him. Because His task is to make it move. He made a covenant with me that He will be there. I made a covenant that I will be there for other people, and that I will remember Him. He made a covenant that He will be there. 

All of this is easier said than done sometimes.

I feel like I know all this...but applying it is difficult.

My anxiety doesn't help. My depression doesn't help. Not receiving an answer makes me feel lost and alone. Even when it's a close friend. Logically I know that there is a reason for their lack of–or late–response. Logically I know that God is there but He might have something for me to learn. But my depression whispers, "You aren't worthy of their love. You aren't worth their time. They don't really want to be there for you." My anxiety whispers, "Are you sure they are your friend? Is this how friends act?"

It is a constant battle. My faith is trying to remind me that God keeps His promises, but my anxiety and depression are trying to tell me that He keeps His promises to everyone else. But that is not true. He keeps His promises to me. 

This is my trial. I have anxiety and depression, and this can lead to trust issues. This can lead to me not hearing God. This can lead to me questioning the direction I am going. This can lead to me questioning if I am really loved. This can lead to me wanting to just stop existing, and to just end all of the turmoil and pain. This can lead to me believing and thinking that I am alone. 

But this is my blessing. I have been led to people who love me–despite my issues (that are, in all honesty, not as terrible as my brain leads me to believe). I have been led to people who listen to my problems when I am struggling. I have been led to people who know that sometimes all I need is reassurance that I am loved, and that I am doing okay. I have been led to people who were exactly what I needed when I met them–and who are exactly what I need when I turn to them. 

Life is hard. Especially when a lot of your problems stem from your own brain. Every day I am trying to remind myself that I am loved, that God is there, and that I am doing okay. Some days, I'm ecstatic to go to work, to see all the kids, and to teach them and learn from them! Some days, it is all I can do to get out of bed. 

Every day is a new adventure...and sometimes it's not a good adventure. But every day...I am pushing. Sometimes I am pushing with all my might, and sometimes my might isn't as much as it was the other day. That is okay. Pushing gets tiring. As long as I am doing my best, it's good enough. Because all God asks of me is to push. Push ahead. Push through. Push past. Push with all my might. He never asked me to move the rock. Because that is His job. He wants me to obey. So even when I don't understand, I push. Even when I don't understand, I do His will. Because someday it will all make sense. At least, that is what He tells me. And–despite my brain's insistence that I can't trust Him–I do. I trust Him with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. Every day, I just have to remember.

Xoxo

Mattie

Learning life lessons.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He has blessed my life in many ways this year, and I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does it because He loves me!

I can't believe the end of the year is here! It's been quite a year! I've learned a lot! I think that one of the main things that I have learned this year–though I still am struggling to understand it at times–is that there is a reason for all things. Things happen for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to. It's hard to remember that, though, and it's hard to have patience sometimes. But I know that when you take a step back, and try not to focus on some of the things that you want, that 1) time will fly by as you're waiting; and 2) sometimes something better will come along and you'll realize that what you wanted was a good thing, but this new thing is better for you.

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is looking back on the year, and being amazed at all the things that have happened this year. I look back at things that happened in March and April, and I go, "Was that really this year?" And it amazes me how time seems to fly by when you least expect it. I could have sworn that I have been taking my medication for a long time, but I just started taking it this year; I could have sworn that the summer went on forEVER, but then it was over; I could have sworn Fall semester just started, but now it's over; and I could have sworn I just turned 21 and had the greatest surprise party of my life, but I'm now a month out from being 22 and I can't believe it!!

I've grown and learned so much this year!! I am so thankful for all of the new friends that I have made, and for all of the love and support that I have received this year. I am grateful for all the adventures that I have had this year! I have learned many, many things about God's plan for me, and about who I am. 

I learned that God is always watching out for me. I learned that, in spite of my mistakes, He still loves me. I learned that, despite the fact that I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time, He never gave up on me. He still believed in me, and He had still forgiven me. I learned that He sends the best people in my life to come at times when I need them, even if I don't know that I need them. I learned that I have so many people who love me, and that God wants to make sure that I know that I am not alone, and that I am not unloved. I learned that it's important to have at least a few strong and sweet friendships with people that you can always count on–people besides the Savior. 

I learned this year that I am wonderful. I am funny. I am kind. I am loving. I am gracious. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am hard-working. I am talented. I am creative. I am determined. I learned that I am all of these things but I am NOT my anxiety. I am NOT my depression. I have anxiety, and I have depression. But they do not define me. They are not a part of who I am. They are just mental health illnesses that I have. It has taken me a while to figure that out, but I think I am finally beginning to understand the difference. 

I learned that I struggle with school, which was kind of a surprise, but I learned that I love the learning part of school. I learned that I really love being organized and making lists–it doesn't always happen haha but it makes my life much easier. I learned that my life is my life and that it's not anyone else's, and that I have things to learn and go through that others do not. I learned that I can do a lot more with my life if I set my mind to things. I learned that my worth is not defined by others. I learned that who I am is who I am, and that nobody can take that away from me. I learned that it is okay to say no. I learned that it is okay to ask for help–and it is okay to keep asking for help until you get it. I learned that it is okay to want something at one time, and end up not wanting it later. I learned that it is okay to change your mind. I learned that sometimes I accidentally hurt people, and that I want to do all that I can to take away the hurt, but sometimes I can't do that. I learned that sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and forgive, let go, and move on–even if it hurts. And I learned that other people can feel and do these things too! So I also learned that I am not alone.

These are just a few of the things that I have learned this past year. Wow! I can't believe I have learned so much! What have you learned this past year? What has been the biggest thing that shaped your life this year? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear what you guys learned this year!

I am excited for the New Year, and for all the lessons that I will be able to learn next year. I am excited for all of the adventures that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months as I am finishing up school! And I am excited for all the unexpected adventures that are coming my way in this new year! Life might not always go exactly as I want it to, but somehow whatever happens always works out in the best way! God is great, and I am so thankful for Him! 💜💕

Xoxo

Mattie

Kindness begins with me.

I can't believe I'm starting school this week!! This is my last year of college!!! I'm so excited and so NERVOUS!! But I think it'll be a fantastic year!! :)

I thank God every day for the fact that I have made it as far as I have. In school, in life...I am so, so thankful for the happiness that I feel, and the love, and the peace. I have been a little stressed about this school year, but also I have just been able to accept it. I'm so thankful for the last couple of weeks I've had before school and after working at Bear Lake to rest and relax and get ready for the school year. It's been a blessing to have this time for myself with hardly any responsibilities (don't get me wrong–I had plenty of things to do).

I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned not only in all my time at college, but especially in the past year. I have learned and grown a LOT! And I can't wait to see where this next school year takes me!! I have high hopes that this year will be the best one by far!!

Today I subbed for Porter's class in Primary. I was super nervous, considering the fact that I don't think I've ever taught in Primary–actually, I don't think I've even ever taught a lesson period. Wait...maybe one time. But it was a long time ago and I was 12. It's been awhile.

Anyway.

The lesson that I taught today was on loving one another. In John 13: 34-35, it says, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." We talked about how commandments are laws that Heavenly Father gives us to bless us and help us return to Him. I am so thankful for the example of our Savior, Jesus Christ, on how to love one another. We talked about when Jesus healed the 10 Lepers, when He fed the 5000, and when He stayed with the Nephites, and blessed and healed them. Jesus did all of these things because He loved the people. Just as Jesus did, we, too, can serve, bless, and love those around us. We need to bless and serve those around us and let them know we love them because everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to know that they are loved. We need to do the best we can to be like Jesus and obey Him and our Heavenly Father. We are here to learn and grow, and by obeying the commandments, we can learn and grow.

I've learned a lot this summer, and this past year, and one thing that stands out to me as I look back over the year is this: everyone deserves to be treated with respect and loved. Even if you don't agree, even if you have had issues in the past...everyone deserves to be treated with respect and loved. There are a lot of things that have happened this past year that have been hard for me to deal with. Sometimes they were my fault, and sometimes they weren't. Sometimes I dealt with them, and sometimes I didn't. But I have learned how to deal with things. I have learned how to choose to be happy, and I have learned how to accept and let go of people and experiences.

Life is hard. You can't make people do anything. You have to deal with their choices and they have to deal with yours. But you can always be the bigger person. You can always show them love and kindness, no matter what they do. Even if they don't show you the same courtesy. You will never regret being kind or loving.

I wrote a poem this summer that I wanted to share with you. :)

I Can Fly, by Mattie Radke

I can fly over the garden wall, past the sea, beyond the wind, and far away from the depths of depression in my mind. 

I can fly over the parts of me that yearn to change for you. 

I can fly past the parts of me that want to be exactly like you. 

I can fly beyond the visions of me, wishing I was as funny as you. 

I can fly far away from the depths of depression that lead me to believe I'm not as amazing as you. 

The lesson I've learned throughout my summer is be yourself–not because everyone else is taken, but because the world has need of you!

I wrote this poem when I was kind of feeling a little bit down. I was trying hard to try to fly, like I was talking about in the poem, but as I'm reading it now, I realize that when I wrote it, I was only hoping and wishing that I could fly. I wasn't really flying. But now, I think I have been able to fly. I've been working on my relationship with my Savior, and that has really helped. I'm not perfect at it [flying], and sometimes I still struggle, but not only since I wrote the poem have I changed, but the past couple weeks have been amazing, and I've realized that I don't need to change for anyone–I am who I am, and that's fantastic! I am amazing and funny and beautiful and I give a lot to this world. And if I have the right people in my life, they will (and do) love me for who I am.

You give so much to this world! You are special, and unique, and amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful, inside and out. And I love you. And God loves you. There is no one on Earth who can do what you do, or give to this world what you give. I am thankful for you!! I am thankful that you are here. I am thankful that you are you. I am so happy that you have a passion–whatever it is–and that you follow it. I hope you know how much you are loved and how much you are admired by those around you. And I hope that you will tell those around you how much you love and admire them. Everyone needs to be told that they are appreciated and loved.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!! Happy September!! :)

Xoxo
Mattie

The answers will come in time.

Finals week is finally here and I could not do it without my Savior. This week has been really difficult mentally and I am so grateful I am not alone. I got my first two finals DONE! And although I am nervous for the remaining three, I feel like I will be able to focus and study more this week.
I am so thankful for friends willing to talk and listen. It has been so helpful this week. Finals week is always hard, but for some reason this semester's finals have seemed to be so impossible. I think it might be because of a lot of things, but I am slowly working through it with the help of my Savior. He has made this insanely difficult semester bearable, and He has blessed me with amazing roommates and friends that I can talk to. I can never thank Him–or them–enough for being willing to be there, and for being there for me on my darkest, most lonely, most depressing, most unmotivated days. There are some things, I've come to realize, I have to live with, and some of those things I can't deal with alone. So I am beyond blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His Son to die for me so that I don't have to go through it alone. I can always turn to Him and He will always be there for me. 

I had a wonderful day today, and I did a lot of thinking. I've done a lot of thinking these past few weeks.

College is so difficult.

Dating is so difficult.

Life is hard. You have to deal with lots and lots of people with many different personalities. You have to figure out how to deal with their emotions, and how to treat them properly. You have to go to work, and go to school.

It's hard to maintain an eternal perspective in life sometimes.  But God will bless you with people. He will bless you with experiences. He will bless you with exactly what you need to remind you of your divine potential. He will bless with you with exactly what you need to keep an eternal perspective.

You have to keep your head up.

You might be going through some crazy tough times, and it might have been happening for a long time, or for a short period of time. You might not understand WHY these things are happening to you. You might not be able to see HOW these trials will help you in the future.

But I promise you...the answers WILL come in time. God will not leave you alone, without answers or peace. He will bless you. He loves you and wants what is best for you.

Xoxo
Mattie