Your value does not change when you fail.

Today I was thinking a lot. Mainly because I really had a horrible, horrible headache and couldn't really focus on the lessons today (I did listen and learned a little but mainly I tried to stop the pummeling in my head). But also because I have had a lot to think about. Let's start with what I was thinking about in sacrament meeting:

Patiently waiting is hard. Especially when you're waiting for blessings, answers, peace, or your birthday, and they're just not getting here fast enough. Finding ways to keep yourself busy in the meantime is hard. Because all you want is to know what to do, or to just feel like the decision you already made was the right one. But it feels like you can't hear anything. So you think, "Maybe I'm not doing enough." So you try to read your scriptures more deeply, and pray more fervently, and be there for your friends, and...nothing. The only place you feel it, and hear it, is the temple. But you can't always be at the temple. So you don't know what to do except doing what you're doing and hope that you'll hear it soon. You have faith that He is there, even when you can't hear Him, because you have felt it before. You're not sure why it even stopped, but you just keep hoping. And it's not like you haven't felt it; you have. Just not when you have wanted and deeded it desperately. But you keep going, and lean on the testimonies of your friends and family until you're back on your feet and can hear it and feel it again.

~I think it's because I can hardly hear anything over my depression. And even though I want to be and try to be, I'm not really happy. Luckily I am not alone in this time of my life: I have family, friends, my therapist, and my Savior. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I am hoping to be able to find an answer, or be closer to finding an answer.  

One theme of today that I noticed was God's love. It was kind of just all encompassing today, and I'm not going to lie–I really needed it.

One of my favorite things that was said in sacrament meeting today was that we can't forget to have charity towards ourself. I'd never thought of that before–having charity towards yourself. But when you think about it, it makes sense. We're told to love our neighbors and ourselves, and we're told to have charity towards our neighbors. So if we're supposed to love our neighbors and also have charity towards them, and also love ourselves, it stands to reason that we should have charity towards ourselves, too.

Gospel doctrine was just what I needed today. We talked about successfully failing. And how we need to learn to be...maybe not happy about failing...but positive about it. Note that we tried! And learn from it. Recognize the progress you've made. And–most importantly, in my opinion–understand that YOUR VALUE DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN YOU FAIL. 

We don't really learn a lot from succeeding the first time. We really learn the most when we fail. We learn to take a step back and look at things from a new angle. No matter how many times we fail, we are still the same value as we were before.

Another thing that we talked bout that I absolutely LOVED was that it's not very Christlike to not forgive yourself. I've never thought about that before but it is so true! Christ forgives EVERYONE, every time. So, if we want to be more Christlike, we need to forgive ourselves, too.

And nothing is embarrassing to Him. We can tell Him anything, and ask for forgiveness for the littlest and most dumbest things in our mind, but it's important to Him because it's important to us.

Heavenly Father's view of us doesn't change, even if our view of ourself does. 

He will always love us, and we will always be important to him. And we will always be valued.

Take the New Year and make yourself into someone better than you've ever been.

Happy New Year's Eve! Can you believe it's the end of the year?! What a crazy year it has been! It's been a really stressful year that has stretched me in ways I couldn't even imagine being stretched in. But it's been a good year for me. I've grown and learned a lot. I've learned a lot about me and things that I want, and things that I need, and I have grown closer to my Savior in so many wonderful and beautiful ways. I am looking forward to continue to grow closer to Him, and to hopefully grow stronger and become more confident in several additional aspects of my life. I am hoping to change a lot of things this year, with the help of my Savior. I am not going to be able to do all the things I am planning to do without Him, so it is a good thing I can turn to Him. I am excited for this New Year and can't wait to see where it takes me!

This year has been really full of a lot of changes, and distressing times, and a lot of decisions that I needed to make, but I realized that:
1) I need to finish school. Whatever happens, I need to get a degree. Last semester was the worst one yet, and I really wanted to quit, but I need to finish. I am literally so close.
2) I am going to be okay by myself.
3) I am who I am, and that is okay. But sometimes I need to take a breather and slow down, and calm down.
4) Sometimes I will not know what I am doing. Sometimes I will not know where I am going. Sometimes I will just not know. And that is completely fine.

Because of the things I've learned this year, I have several ideas for my New Year's Resolutions:
-To be confident and patient/to have confidence and patience (in myself, in friendships, in dating, etc.)
-To be stronger (in my testimony, in my determination to do what's right)
-To be less me (focus more on others)
-To be more studious (in school, in scripture study. I also want to study The Living Christ this year)
-To be more grateful (I want to focus more on what I have)
-To go to the temple more (I want to make a goal to go to the temple for baptisms/confirmations at least once a month, but to go to the temple grounds at least two times a month)

When making New Year's Resolutions, here are some things to keep in mind:
-Start now
-Keep an eternal perspective
-Find what works for YOU
-Accept that you will fail (maybe not all the time, but you will fail)
-Remember that no matter how many times you fail, Heavenly Father is proud of you for trying and will always love you!

Last year, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to focus on my Savior every week. I am not going to lie, I don't think I 100% followed that resolution. But I think it was because I was looking at it the wrong way. I think that because of what I've learned in the last year, and the resolutions I have this year, that I will be able to focus more on my Savior this year.
I think what I should have done last year was what I did this year: make more mini-goals to add up to my big goal(s). Another thing that I should have done was keep a special journal to track my progress in my goals. I also just saw an idea that I loved that I want to adapt and try: the idea was to, at the end of the week, write something good that happened that week and put it in a mason jar. I want to try and write at the end of the day something good that happened that day. And if I can't think of something, I'll write something about the day that I'm grateful for. I think that this will help me be more positive, and be able to focus on things, and ground myself when I'm having tough or dark days. If I can just find one bright thing about my day, even when it's been horrible, I know that I will be able to get through it.

It's been a good year! Long, and full of many adventures, misadventures, and learning, but it was a good year. I hope that I can take this New Year and make not only it and my life into something good, but I hope that I can take it and make me into someone better than I've ever been before. I hope that you can work on your resolutions throughout the whole year. Don't be discouraged if you fail a time or two--if you never fail, you never succeed.

Xoxo
Mattie