You have to try, or nothing will change.

Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. He gave His LIFE for me–how can I repay Him? Honestly, I can't. All I can do is try every day to be better, and to do better. Sometimes, I fail. But I get up and try again. My friend told me recently, "It’s okay to lose sometimes! You are still amazing and faith-filled and dedicated and full of worth! Every day is an opportunity for a new victory." I loved that and thought it was beautiful. I am human, and I am imperfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I lose. It's a great reminder that my worth is not dependent upon anything. My worth is as constant as the sea–as constant as the changing of the moon and tides. It is always there and it is a reminder of the love of my Father in Heaven.

God loves me. I can ask Him, and He will tell me. He blesses me constantly–even when I can't see it. He is aware of me, and of my struggles. I can do hard things. I have done hard things, and I will continue to do hard things. Life is always throwing curveballs at me, and I am always going to be trying to hit them out of the park. Sometimes I will fail. But as I talk with Him, and tell Him how I am feeling, I can better be aware of His light and guidance in helping me through my struggles.

Sometimes I can't do things.
But because of (and with) Him, I can.

Jesus Christ is the only one who truly understands all that I am going through. He can help me overcome the feelings and experiences that are making me feel sad, anxious, depressed, and anything in between. Those feelings might not go away completely, but He can help me fill my life and change my focus so that the ache is not as constant.

Someone said in their testimony today that if we are constantly watering a plant, we are going to drown it. The same is with God. God is always aware of me, and He will water me (give me spiritual guidance/experiences) when I need it, and He will always give me enough.

I know that life is always going to be rough. There are always going to be challenges. There are always going to be "trips to the hospital for things that turn out to be appendicitis" in life–sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. But you have to keep moving forward. You have to TRY. Or nothing will change. There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone. I am trying every day to be better. I know that I am not in the comfort zone because every day is hard.

I am trying to learn as I am growing but sometimes it is hard to see what I can learn from these experiences. I am trying to be patient and focus on taking things one day at a time but sometimes it is hard. Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried about the future. Sometimes my depression makes me think that there is no future, so why should I worry about what's going on in my life right now? Together, they make trusting my Heavenly Father probably the most difficult thing in the world for me right now. But I know that as I turn to Him, and put my trust in Him every day...even if I don't understand...that little by little, this puzzle that is my life will start to piece together. Because just like a puzzle, it takes time for all the pieces of my life to come together.

"I am glad that the pieces of the puzzle of my life are in God's hands. He knows exactly where and when to put them and make it complete." ~ Caroline Naoroji

Xoxo

Mattie

With Him, I can do it all.

Today was a great day at church. There were several messages that were received today but one of the main ones that I noticed was about trusting God. And my thoughts during the sacrament, I think, helped shape how I viewed the rest of the meetings.

My relationship with my Savior is wholly dependent upon me and my efforts. He will always be there for me, but I must do the work to create or keep our relationship up. Some days/weeks are better than others, but there is always room for improvement. It's been a crazy couple of weeks/months for me and one of my roommates said something the other day. She said maybe what I'm supposed to be learning from these experiences is to trust my Heavenly Father. Like, blindly trust. I trust Him, and I love Him, but these past few weeks have been really hard, and stressful, and maybe I just need to let go, and let Him. It's hard because I hate feeling helpless, and I hate not being able to do something, but that is the real question: do I trust Him enough to let go? I am trying to let go because I hope so. But there really isn't anything I can do about it right now, other than wait, so I'm hoping, and trying, and trusting in Him. 

Trusting someone is a lot harder than you'd think. Telling them things about yourself, thoughts you've had, that no one else knows...is hard.
Turning to God, and letting go of things you're struggling with–decisions you're still trying to understand, things you're trying to let go of–is hard.
Trusting is HARD. But it's worth it. It's worth not going through it alone. It's worth having an outside point of view. For so long, you've been doing it alone, and you've had only your view on it. Letting someone else in, and trusting someone else with a part of you, is worth it. It's hard, and can be stressful, and terrifying, but it's worth it.

Maybe another one of the things I'm supposed to be learning is that I need to get out of my head. I mean, I think I already knew that, but lately, since I've started seeing a therapist, and have been working on my anxiety and depression, I've noticed that I'm better only when I'm out of my head. Having the opportunity to be inside my head makes things worse. I think that these actually go hand-in-hand. I need to trust that the things I think people are thinking about me aren't actually happening. I need to trust that when people say they love me or like me as a person, they mean it. I need to trust that these people–who I'm 1000% sure were placed in my life because of my Heavenly Father–really do love me. They really do care about me. And they don't think about me in the way that I am worried that they do.

I know that Heavenly Father is guiding me. I know He is taking me to a place where I need to be, when I need to be there...but trying to get me to let go of these problems that I am going through is really hard. I am trying, and I'm making progress, but it's really hard. I'm grateful that He is merciful, and patient, and always willing to work with me, because I don't know what I'd do without Him. I can do hard things. I can work through these problems and experiences. I can trust Him. I can let go. It will take time, and it is taking time, but I can do it. I can do it with Him.

Xoxo
Mattie

Trust in Him and enjoy the present.

I know it's Thursday, but I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of days about a couple of things and I just need to get them out.

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be a mom. There's never really been anything else I've really wanted to do. I've just always wanted to be a mom.

The other day, though, I was just thinking...all of my friends know what they're doing with their lives. I've got a ton of friends on missions, going on missions, or they know what they want to do with their life/major in–be a teacher, a journalist, or whatever.

But me??

All I've ever wanted to be is a mom, and seeing how that's not going to happen for awhile, I was kind of feeling discouraged and disappointed yesterday because I'm still not exactly sure what I want to major in yet–I've been thinking about a couple of options but none of them are really like, "Ding ding ding!!! This is it!!" and so that's just been hard. When I was growing up, I'd never really thought that there would be a time where I wouldn't be a wife/mom, and I'd need to be something else; it never crossed my mind (not sure why, especially in these last couple of years....my brain was just on a break, I guess). And so I've just been feeling kind of like I don't have a purpose...almost empty, in a way. I'm just kind of cruising along the path of life, not exactly sure where I'm headed or why.

And I've still been struggling a little bit with forgiving myself, and so that's also been a little hard. And so my brain has just been on overload mode, because of all these things on top of finals week...and of course I can't not think about these things because I'm me.

But then I saw this picture on Facebook yesterday, and it stood out to me because I really needed it.

I need to remember to trust Him, and trust His timing. And I also need to believe and trust in His grace. Things will happen when they happen, when they're supposed to happen, when I'm ready for them to happen. But not before. They'll happen when I need and am ready for them to happen. This year, I had some growing up to do, and I still have a little bit to do, but next year will be even better, and I'll be more prepared, and I'll be more aware. But right now? Right now I just need to trust in my Savior, and believe in His grace. Things will work out–they always do. I just need to be patient and enjoy the present. It's hard, but I know that I can do it. <3 <3

Provo City Center Temple Dedication

So, today was the Provo City Center Temple Dedication!! It's such a beautiful temple, and I'm so excited that it is now dedicated! I hope to be able to do baptisms for the dead in it sometime soon!

I was able to watch the final dedicatory session in the Marriott Center with my friends. It was so special! I could really feel the spirit and I heard several things that I needed to hear. I'm going to share some of my favorite things that were said (some of them...actually, most of them are paraphrased).

-We are empowered when we come to the temple.
-The Savior will never give up on us.
-This temple is a reminder of the Atonement of Christ.
-There is always hope.
-Even when we fall, though the Atonement, the hands of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are extended towards us still.
-No matter the problem or difficulty we face, as we press forward, beautiful things will come through.
-We are His masterpieces. 
-He is so very patient with us.
-We do not overcome our weaknesses at once. Sometimes it takes years. 
-Faith and patience are keys to becoming and overcoming.
-From ashes to beauty.
-Every member is precious.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the dedication!! I was reminded that overcoming weaknesses takes time, and I have to have faith in the Lord (and in myself), and I have to be patient. That is sometimes a struggle for me, but I am working on it. I was also reminded that my Savior won't ever give up on me. Even if I give up on myself, He won't give up on me. I am so grateful for this new temple, and for the wonderful symbolism in its story–from ashes to beauty. This is so true for some of the trials that we have to go through. I know that it is definitely true for my biggest trial, and I am still being reworked into the person that God needs me to be. But I know that He knows what He is doing, and so I am putting my trust in Him.

Oh! I almost forgot that I wrote down some of my thoughts as we were waiting for the dedication to start:
"We're waiting for the dedication to start. I'm so excited!! Friday and Saturday were kinda rough days, for multiple reasons, but sitting here, in the Marriott Center, which is an extension of the temple [right now], and listening to the prelude music, I am feeling love, peace, and gratitude. I feel better than I have all weekend. I don't feel rushed or worried. Just peace and love."

It was so special. I'm so glad I got to go. <3